Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Y'all Get the Reference at the End?

Ok, I honestly don't have a blog tonight because it is so crazy here. I promise, tomorrow night! I will have to post about the eventful weekend (boring story but kinda funny - typical JT kinda experience, just enough of the bizarre thrown in to make it funny). Then, we are finally getting sod for our backyard this weekend, so we have been busy until sundown getting the yard ready and packing the fucking dirt every night, and yada yada yada, and now Keryn is sick with the worst cough this side of TB-era Bangladesh, so I can't blog anything because I need to take this time to wash the frigging bug spray and dirt off of me in case she wakes up with another cough-until-she-vomits fit! So that's the story morning glories - I'll post tomorrow hopefully! Oooh, and Canadian Idol is now on, so there is happiness in the land again! Margo, glad to hear you are lovin' it up, Roxanne, hope you piss out that stone in your nether regions, and everyone else, may the good lord bless you and keep you happy.
Be Still.
Be Still.
Be Still.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Why Am I typing about the Brady Bunch at Midnight? because I am crazy, that's why.

No time to blog tonight - it's suddenly midnight and I have no clue where the night went. However, just one random thought: I was watching the Brady Bunch tonight when I put Keryn to bed (she's a chip off the old block, isn't she), and noticed that the entire family went to bed and left Alice sitting there to clean off the table and do the dishes. I'm sorry, but someone needs to break Mr. and Mrs. Brady's legs. How much are they paying her, anyway?? And making her wear that uniform? And he's a fucking architect but he crams 6 kids in two rooms, with one toilet? The whole thing doesn't add up. And while we are on it, I know that in real life, Alice is some born again woman, but still, doesn't she just scream lesbian? Margo and I have discussed this, and she says she's gotta be a sista, and who am I to argue with the gaydar of a sista about another sista? Also, you remember her rice commercials, and she'd suggest cooking it in orange juice? Everything she did was crazy, let me tell you....
Ok, enough of that craziness, gotta get to bed. Keryn had a tummyache and the runs tonight, so I dunno how the night will be.... and there is a frost warning here... supposed to be 30 next week (that's 86 to you Americans), but fuck... frost tonight? it's like almost June. The world is going crazy.....
Ok, gotta get to bed - btw, sorry for sending messages to comments on here, but Cutie, if you read this, you were really born in PA? SK?? Do tell.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Too Tired to think of a Title

Good evening. Well, I was just reading my comments, and I have to comment on two things SOH has said. First, in response to my discussion of good old Sue from Sex with Sue or whatever the hell it's called, Soh had to bring up the unthinkable and said "Imagine Sue giving a blow job". Well, now I need to bleach my eyes. This is the end of the innocence folks. Shock and Awe have a new meaning now. Once that hideous image comes into your mind, you can't go back to your happy place. Of course, Sue would completely kill it with her trying to use all this hip lingo. I can hear her now: "I am going to perform fellatio on you. You know, fellatio. A blow job. Going down. Playing the skin flute. Call it what you will. Let me demonstrate first on these wooden dolls....now this is the nifkin....." OK, sorry, I will never mention Sue again. I could go on and on, but this is blog airs in prime time! (I expect you Jennifer Weiner readers to pick on on that reference - what is called a taint in Canada.... but I digress).
So the other thing SOH commented on is that her dryer blew up. Well, that's a string of bad luck, because her damn 6 month old Kitchen Aid fridge sounds like a piece of shit too, so there ain't no luck there. Now, I have an affinity for appliances. First off, why I am not gay, I do not know, because lemme tell ya, I spent more time shopping around for my appliances than I did when I bought my car. When we bought this house 2 years ago, we got to get all new appliances and as Rachel could care less about that shit (but she is the one who buys all the tools, so we really do defy tradition, don't we), I was in hog heaven. Now, let me say this first off - I love doing laundry, I don't know why. Ever since I was like 3 years old, I've just had this laundry thing. It's a sickness. So, when we had to buy appliances, I wanted to get a front loader washer, and lo and behold, Rachel was ok with it, so we just went out and bought Maytag, since that was the cat's ass, according to any old person you talk to: "Oh, hell, we've had those Maytags since 1964". So, I went to eopinions or some stupid site and sure 'nuff, they were all praising fucking Maytag. So off we go and buy the washer and dryer, and then, after the fact, I stumbled upon this website almost totally devoted to people complaining about Maytag and talking about some class action suit, and I learned that my fancy-schmancy-so-expensive-it's-sinful washer really IS a time bomb waiting to go off. These "Defenders" of the thing said things like "Hey, I had mine 2 years before anything went wrong!" Yeah.... now, let me preface this with saying the thing has worked like a charm, but every time I throw something in, I think "is this the day the laughter will stop?" So, I commiserate with SOH and the fridge, because sometimes you just DON'T get what you pay for.
I better mention buying the stupid stove too, before Margo rats me out. I bought a stove completely on it's looks. An expensive one. With two ovens. It's really cool and useful and we can't imagine not having it, but basically, I bought it because it looked cool, and when I told Margo about it, she just said "that kitchen deserves a stove like that." So I charged this expensive fucking thing and Rachel almost fainted I think, but there we go. All because it looked cool. I am such a loser.
And SOH, my stupid fridge is freezing everything it seems. Went to get mayo the other day - harder than ice cream. Tried to get a pickled beet last night - had to break the ice first. Tried to make a salad today - the cucumber was frozen so hard, it would make a nun moan.
So there you have it - another freakish oddity about me.
The weather is so fucking cold here. I am almost thinking it will freeze tonight. If it does, 200 fucking dollars of flowers will go down the drain, but I am just too lazy to haul them all in the garage tonight.
Hey, I almost told about the blog to my friend from work today, because we both read blogs and wanted to start one, and then I never told her when I started mine because I wasn't sure I wanted anyone to know about it other than Margo, and now I feel it's too late to say anything. Ah, it was tempting though.
Well, I gotta get to bed. Have a good one y'all.
Seacrest Out (oh how I hate that smarmy little motherfucker...)

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Personality Test - Thanks Roxanne, for Revealing my Wussiness

Emo Kid
You are 0% Rational, 28% Extroverted, 0% Brutal, and 42% Arrogant.
You are the Emo Kid, best described as a quiet pussy! You tend to be an intuitive rather than a logical thinker, meaning you rely more on your feelings than your thoughts. Not only that, but you are introverted, gentle, and rather humble. You embody all the traits of the perfect emo kid. You are a push-over, an emotional thinker, gentle to the extent of absurdity, and so humble that it even makes Jesus puke. If you write poetry, you no doubt write angsty, syrupy lines about depression, sadness, and other such redundant states of emo-being. Your personality is defective because you are too gentle, rather underconfident in yourself, decidely lacking in any rational thought, and also a bit too inhibited.
I probably made you cry, didn't I? Fucking Emo Kid.
To put it less negatively:
1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.
2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.
3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.
4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.
Your exact opposite is the Smartass.
Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hippie, the Televangelist, and the Starving Artist.
If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.
The other personality types:
The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 0% on Rationality

You scored higher than 34% on Extroversion

You scored higher than 0% on Brutality

You scored higher than 40% on Arrogance
If you liked my test, send it to your friends!
The Personality Defect Testhttp://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=4741219933576750506

Monday, May 23, 2005

Due to Laziness, tonight's blog won't be posted tonight. Instead, stay tuned for a riveting rerun of The King of Kensington

No time to blog tonight - I had a funny thought, but won't articulate it until I get time to type. Gotta pack the diaper bag, get a snack for the road, get ready for bed, take the dogs out (babysitting inlaws dog), find the cat, throw clothes in dryer, etc. Going out of town for the day tomorrow, to La Ronge. I'll post tomorrow if I can!

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Jann Arden is the Cat's Ass, I'll tell you what....

P.S. - Just caught up on Jann Arden and she was hil-fucking-arious when responding to bad fanmail about her comments on Kalen Porter. OMG, I wanna hang out with her. Read it. Y'all y'all, yall.....

If it was MY Grandmother talking about sex like that, I'd become a neuter

Well, tonight I am watching the Sunday Night Sex Show, and it's annoying me more than the show with the stupid woman and the creepy Asian guy. Sue Johanson was cool like 10 years ago, but now, it's just annoying to see her poking her fingers all over the place and saying all this sex talk, trying to be down with it, but I find it sort of creepy for this 70 year old woman to be giving advice, like what she just gave this one guy - the maneover she just told him was so complicated, I still can't exactly picture it, or figure out how it's done. Oh God, as I speak, she's answering some question about anal sex, and she's saying all this slang - "I don't care if you call it bum sex, backdoor sex, whatever" and then she's pointing her fingers and curving them and then saying that this woman's ass is filthy.... LOL, she just told this woman to buy anal lube. LOL, I so want to be a sex therapist, just so I can tell people off too. This woman is sort of getting huffy... there's gonna be a fight!
Ok, enough of the old lady talking about sex. I was just reading Rosie, and since she has her comments off tonight, I'll mention it here - I too think Desparate Housewives is a piece of shit. My inlaws love it and God forbid they miss it, but I think it's just Melrose Place in suburbia. It coulda been so good, but they fucked it all up. And I can't stand any of those women. They need to bring Knot's Landing out on DVD, that's all I gotta say.
You know who else I can't stand, since I am dissing celebs? Rene Zelwegger - Zeliwiger - I don't know how to spell it. Anyway, she totally grosses me out. Completely. Cameron Diaz does too. Don't know what the hell the big deal about her his, either. LOL, ok, I am still stuck back in Valerie Bertinelli-ville probably.
I am so damned tired right now. Today was frigging busy. We bought more flowers and trees and stuff, and did yardwork forever. It was a beautiful day, so we were out all day. We also dug about 200 dandelions out of the front yard. Lots of fun. The mosquitos are terrible this year, I don't know why. Like fucking birds. So, we are all covered in bites. Our neighbor invited us over for a piece of cake and strawberries. It's so nice to have good neighbors. In our old house, we had "nice" neighbors in that they were friendly enough, but deep down, well, they were just sorta... well, not our cup of tea, let's leave it at that.
Well, I know this is short and boring, but I am going to have a bath and get to bed.
Hope the long weekend is wonderful for everyone. Margo had a date tonight, so I hope that went well - honey, are you reading the blog alone this morning?? LOL, sorry, just teasing - hope it went well!

Friday, May 20, 2005

Rows and Flows of Angel Hair, and a Prince CD with no Swears, and Erika Sleak with Big Hair, I've written my Blog that way....

Good Eeeevening... well, I am sort of recovered from seeing Joni in the flesh. One observation - she didn't curtsey to the queen when she shook her hand. Also, people are sort of in an uproar that Joni's tribute was the climax of this thing that cost 2.6 million dollars to put on, and 3 years to plan, and Joni didn't even say anything - it came out all wrong. I admit, I bitched about it to the Joni list too, but you know, she's Joni, so whatever. I was all weepy just seeing her up close. God, I just want to meet her one more time, just dinner is all I ask - any ideas how to make it happen? I could get the best fucking interview out of her.... ah well. Love my Joan. Pissed off at her, yes, but whatever.
Watching the Daytime Emmys right now, and since I don't know anyone anymore, it's so boring. This fucking pukoid won from Y and R, this young punk for best young actor and he was so fucking cocky and told this stupid little thing, I almost spit. Erika Slezak just won for the upteenth time. I have no idea what show she is on. Yup, can't find the remote again.
So I was listening to Prince today and thought of a funny story. You ever get shafted when you buy something? Well, I did, and it involved Prince. Now, I love the purple dude - I will never, ever forget the first time I heard "When Doves Cry" - one of those moments you never forget - the hair on the back of my neck stood up and I remember thinking "what is this?!?!?!?" Anyway, I was in university and of course was enrolled in Columbia House many times in many different names. Well, I loved the song "Sexy MF" which of course went "You sexy motherfucker!" Well, I ordered the damn disc, and was so excited when it came, but it was some stupid edited version and when I put it on, the song went like this: "You sexy mother - OW!" It was indeed the stupidest thing I ever heard. So, buyer beware of edited versions....
Hey, Bill Bell died - I didn't know that. Is Cricket still on that show of his?
So anyway, another funny moment to recall from last night. Shirley Douglas, Keifer Sutherland's Mama and Tommy Douglas's daughter, was on stage and was doing this thing talking about her dad and shit, and she's all dramatic and booming voiced and I kept thinking "she sounds like Liz Taylor when she was all pilled up at the Golden Globes" and then she pulls a Liz - she starts saying something like "there are 34 people who are still alive who were alive when the province was incorporated" or something, and then she sweeps her hands in this big dramatic gesture, and yells "THEY'RE OVER THERE!" and points across the arena. Well, so everyone turns around and nobody has any idea who she is pointing to, or where she is pointing, and I just lost it.
Hey, has anyone noticed that McDonalds ain't "Fast Food" anymore, in that the service is so fucking slow, you could have cooked a goddamn turkey by the time your food arrives? Tonight we were out buying bedding plants and shit (I don't want to say how much we spent), and Keryn wanted McDonalds so we relented. We went to the one by our house, thinking it would be less busy, and so we get there and the kids and Rachel sit outside and I go in to order... Well, I am in line at LEAST 10 minutes and then get up there, and it takes 10 minutes to get the damn food. So I order the whole wheat chicken mcgrill, and the woman seems not to know what the hell I am talking about, and I instinctively thought "she will fuck this up, get a salad as a backup because you won't want to get in line again if this is wrong". They got Keryn's drink wrong too, and whatever, and I finally get outside and sure enough, it's not the whole wheat thingy, it's this thing on a white bun with all this mayo on it, so I just chucked it out and ate the fucking salad. Oh man, I was so mad.
Hey Margo, just saw Ricky Dean Goldin, remember, he was on Another World - that annoying singer who was with Jenna the virgin... what the hell was his character's name? He was also on Kate and Allie, playing the dude who Jenny dated and slept with. Yes, yet again, Jenny got all the action - the boyfriend, sex.... while my Emma just sat there alone with no storyline. No wonder she quit. Fucking Jenny reminded me too much of Debby Gibson. But anyway, Ricky Paul or Dean or whatever looks like Christian Slater or something. It freaked me out.
OMG, did you all see the OTHER new reality show, the one with all the 80's bands trying out in this competition to revive their careers - NBC, "Hit Me Baby One More Time". It is the stupidest looking thing ever, but of course, you know me and the 80's, I'll be watching, 80's whore that I am. But this "I want to be a Hilton" thing - it really does demonstrate that the world is coming to an end, doesn't it? That mother Hilton - have you seen a bigger bitch?
Oh, and Average Joe will be on again this summer - that offends me almost as much as that stupid show with Carolyn Rhea and the fat people.
Anyway, I am rambling and saying nothing of anything tonight, so I will put y'all out of your misery now. Hope y'all have a great long weekend!
The post is now over y'all y'all y'all - the old people ARE OVER THERE!!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

In da House with Joni, Momentarily anyway

Ok, can't post about the thing in detail because it's midnight, but let me say that it was AWESOME. Only a slight Joni sighting, really, but still, unbelievable. We were 10th row on the floor, aisle seats, and on our way down there, they kept checking our tickets as we went along - 4 times. Finally we figure out it's because the fucking Queen of England will be down by us - the Royal Box is next to our row. So we were 11 seats away from the Queen. When she came in, Libby was too short to see her because we all had to stand, so I picked her up....lol, pure hillbilly. Anyway, the thing was fucking unreal. Just awesome, I am sorry for mocking it. At the end, they all got on stage, all like 100s of people performing, and did this medley of Joni songs, and then the audience starts singing, and then suddenly Joni is standing there and everyone freaks and stands up, and then these mounties move in front of the stage, and suddenly the frigging queen is on stage and her posse and they are shaking hands with Joni, and then work their way down the line, and the thing wraps up, so it was like 10 minutes in the room with her basically, but whatever, it was awesome. But I am watching it right now because it was televised, and there is this hideous shot of me looking like I am picking my nose. I hear we were on here a couple times, so I wanna check it out.
Margo, I gotta admit, Andrea Menard was great - unreal, as much as I didn't want to admit that, either. And there is this sista girl from Saskatoon who you'd dig, some blues-ey guitar woman, I'll check what her name is.
ok, more tomorrow, gotta hit the hay.
p.s. thanks Margo for the pics of us on your blog...LOLLLLLLLLLL

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Hunters and Collectors

Oh God, that show is on again right now, that sex show with the annoying woman and the creepy Asian man. WHY is the tv always on this channel? Creepy Asian fellow is talking about his G spot. I don't need to know this.....
So Margo posted about strange collections and she talked about her business card collection as a kid. She's right, I don't understand it, but who am I to talk? I collected many things. I had a bottle cap collection, which was, well, useless. I mean, you couldn't DO anything with them. But I remember when my Dad took me to his office one day, and we went to the store downstairs, and they had one of those pop coolers where the pop was floating in ice water, and the woman let us take all the bottle caps from the machine. I was in hog heaven, let me tell you.
I've collected so many things, it's stupid. Music was probably the biggest thing I collected. I became obsessed with getting the back catalogue of everyone I liked, and then all the classics, and I would concoct lists of what I would buy and when, and imports.... holy shit, if I could find a Japanese pressing of some 12" single I liked, well, that was ecstasy. I also was obsessed with the music charts too in the 80s and read Billboard faithfully. I hate to admit this, but I could probably tell you chart positions of many of the 80's top 40, and the album charts, and I can even tell you the chart sequence of certain songs. Yes, it was an illness. I still have this thing for the charts, and I own a ton of books of Billboard charts. I never said I wasn't weird.
Oh for fuck's sake, those people on the show are taking turns showing what they are like in the throws of ecstasy - I am embarrassed for them. Canadians, if you are ever up at 11 p.m., turn on Life Network. It's completely hideous.
Anyway, I also collect these hokey religious young reader's books, Danny Orlis books, which are about this dude Danny Orlis and usually involved someone being tempted to sin by going to a movie or a dance or something. They are hilarious, and I've paid big money for them on ebay. Why you ask? I don't know..... I read them as a kid, so it's probably some nostalgic thing, but there must be lke 50 or 60 books in the series and I have most of them. I also collect books by Norma Klein, and other young adult writers from the 70s and 80s. Ah, face it, I am strange.
Well, I better run along now - gotta get my beauty sleep for the thing tomorrow night. LOLOL I am so embarrassed to be going. They had this thing on the news and said these "Celebrities" were casting their hands in plaster for a gala memorial thingy, and they showed the two of them - Leslie Nielson and, I am not lying, Susan Jacks. SUSAN JACKS? LIke, from the fucking Poppy Family or whoever the hell they were?? OMG, I yelled across the street tonight to my sister (she lives across the street from me - isn't that totally bizarre?) and told her and her eyes widened and she said "I am feeling stupider and stupider for going..." LOL, and the damn thing is televised live so I will get Rach to tape it. If I don't get a good Joni sighting, I will be spitting mad, and y'all will hear about it. And my stomach is still weird - I've got more gas than fucking Kuwait.... hell, Bush will be bombing me next.
Ok, gotta run, I am not even going to comment on my Vonzell......

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

The Plane, The Plane, Boss, the Plane

Ok, first off, the funny thing from today. I was reading Margo's blog at work, and I see she has this adorable picture of herself from when she was like 2 years old posted. It's the sweetest picture, and her hair is all dolled up. Actually, I referred to it as Tammy Wynette hair. Well, I get a glimpse of the picture and just see this tiny person in a dress, and this Tammy Wynette hair, and my first thought was "who's the fucking midget?!?" and then I clicked on it and realized it was my dear Margo - sorry to any little people reading this, no disrespect, it's just what I thought, word for word. So that was funny. Hey, speaking of little people, the Simpsons spoofed Tatoo and Fantasy Island once, and had Tattoo saying "Boss, the plane" and Mr. Rourke saying "no, my freakish little friend, that's a crow" or something.... LOL, I have way too many Simpson's lines going through my head.....
Speaking of little people, I have another book to recommend, one of my all-time favorites. I guarantee you, you will not be disappointed. It is called Maybe the Moon, by Armistead Maupin, the dude who wrote all of the Tales of the City books. It's about a "little person" who was an actress that was the person who was inside the suit of this lovable alien (just like ET) and yada yada yada - I just KNOW it is based on a true story, so I am convinced it is the story of some midget who was inside E.T. or something. Anyway, I urge you to buy it, borrow it, and track it down. Please, for the love of God, do it for me - have I steered you wrong yet?
Oh, give me a break - Life Network is on right now, and it's that stupid sex show, the one with the blondish woman who looks like that chick on the View, and that creepy looking Asian guy, and they get a group of guys together and a group of women together and then they like shoot pool and shit, and talk about sex. Anyway, it's always so stupid, because I mean, I so don't believe any of these people are doing what they say they are doing. Tonight it seems that the topic is something to do with whether or not you are more uninhibited when you have sex with a stranger, and so they are all saying blah blah blah, and I don't believe a word of it, because if these people are all getting some, then the strangers they are picking up must be pretty fucking drunk..... The last time I saw it, it was about oral sex, and these dudes were all blah blah blah and you just so know they couldn't find their way out of a fucking paper bag, and these women were trying to be all trashy talking porn star wannabes with their discussion of how they like it done, and how they like to do it, and I mean, all I can think is, you know, what do you do - call your mother and say "hey, I'm gonna be on tv Saturday, talking about how good I am at giving a blow job" or "hi mama, turn to channel 27 at 6:00 - I'm on talking about how I went down on that stripper." Honest to goodness, think of your parents! So why do I watch this, you ask? Because I can't find the remote, that's why. But I do admit to watching Kink on Showcase and the Independent Film Channel, just to see how odd people can be. It's Canadian, and they like follow these people who are into kink. Thus far, my favorites have been Jules, the old guy who has this thing for putting these big... I dunno, pickle jars or something, on his nipples and stomach and then someone does something, heats them up, and they vacuum suction themselves, and so he gets all red and stuff.... it's almost the craziest shit I have ever seen, except for the other couple who like shrink-wrap themselves in these latex body suits, and they can only breathe through a straw, and they float each other in a tub of water... OMG, you gotta see it.... So anyway, enough of that. As Jane's Addiction so aptly put it, Nothing's shocking.
I didn't go see the queen, because I couldn't give a rat's ass, but I did see a bunch of friends on tv at the thing, so that was cool. Oh, to answer your question Margo, I am going to the gala with my sister Libby. It will be so lame - check out the people there. www.centennialgala.com
But, my Joni will be in attendance supposedly, or she better be......
Margo commented on her blog today about being hormonal - she tracked two moods to her "cycle" - that's such a touchy thing. Rachel would always deny she had pms but I always knew - back when she was on the pill, it would happen about every third month, on the Sunday before her "visitor" would arrive. Off the pill, it only happens once in a while, and nothing annoys her more than me saying, when she's bitchy, "what, are you dropping an egg or something?" LOL, I can be such an asshole sometimes, can't I?
I was thinking tonight about the names I gave people in the blog. I gave my wife the name Rachel, but now I am thinking if we have a girl, we might call her that, so then what? ANd the kids... lol, I am sick of using these fake names...... I am almost tempted to start putting pictures on here, but then for sure someone will find me, and then the jig's up!
I didn't eat one lean cuisine today - I ate regular meals, but something is NOT agreeing with me, and, not to be, well, indelicate, but, well... how do I say this politely? How about, I've been farting like a motherfucker? Why am I telling you this? Because I have no shame. Oh, weird neurotic/hypochondriac moment today - I sorta got a migraine - I get them quite often in the spring, but don't usually harp on them because it's not a big deal, except I had a real bad one last week, worst I've ever had, so that one freaked me out, because nothing would make it better, and I couldn't look at light or whatever. So I was freaked out about that one, and then today, BOOM, I am talking to Sharon in her office and suddenly it was like someone flashed a camera in my face, and I couldn't quite make her out even, it was all like.... flashy. So then I am freaking out thinking "You are going blind. You are going blind." I go back to my office, thinking it was the lights in her office, but it was still weird. I then thought I'd go home, so I get in my car and start thinking "what if it keeps happening and I can't see when I'm driving?" so I got all freaked out..... LOL, I am such a dork. Anyway, came home, took some pills, and all is well, but I almost started laughing in the car because I was so freaked out - how will I make it home? I need help....
So what about Idol? I think my Vonzell is going to be gone, but I REALLY want her to win. I am so sick of Bo. We already have a Bo in the world already - he's married to Kate Hudson. Go away Bo.
And Paula. Honest to fucking goodness, is she on crack? Like, "you are so good but more importantly, you are shining on the inside and it's beautiful to see? thank you." WTF? What does any of that ever MEAN? Canadian Idol starts in two weeks, and I can't wait, because last year it was so much better than American Idol. Americans reading this, try and find this show.
Oh, finally, one vignette from the ghetto, today. My office is downtown, right on the main street of town, which I am sure was the hub of activity 80 years ago, but now is just, well, bumtown, and my office has a full-length window on the ground floor, facing the sidewalk. Well, I see drug deals and crazy people all damn day, but today was this old man in a scooter being accosted by this crazy crack head or something with a big old metal front tooth, and she was all skinny and strung out looking and she must have asked him for money, and he held up 50 cents (or fiddy cents, as I like to say), and she mustn't have liked that because she gets all loud and he puts it back and wheels off a bit and she turns around and starts yelling "I want a strawberry banana Orange Julius!" at the top of her lungs at him. It freaked me out, because there are so many freaked out people all over the place downtown, and, as David Byrne would ask "How did they get here?" So, it sorta freaks me out, but you can't help not watch. One day Sharon and I were walking back from coffee and this pimp looking fella was walking fast and this hooker looking lady was following him yelling, so we followed them... lol, we coulda got shanked, but we had to know what the story was.
Ok, gotta run, have a great Wednesday. The post is over, y'all, y'all, y'all!

Monday, May 16, 2005

Rob and Amber for INXS! Vote Now!

Ok, this will be short - it's late. My kids napped today... until we came home from work. Need I say more?
So, it was one HELL of a day. I don't even want to get into it. But, all is good now, so that's good enough for me. I am still recovering from the weekend. We had Keryn's 4th birthday party, and you will never guess in a million years what we did - we bought the kids ANOTHER present, and one I never in a million years thought I'd buy - a trampoline. I always have thought they were accidents waiting to happen, so imagine my suprise when I bought it. It's really cool though, and it has an enclosure attached to it so the kids can't fall out. So, our yard looks extra hillbilly now. We still don't have grass back there yet (ordering sod asap), and we have this huge gravel patch that the trampoline is on, and two garden boxes, and then a sandbox and swingset in the sandbox, and a slide attached to our deck for the sandbox... you get the picture. It's like hillbilly Disneyland.
I am having dental trouble. My molar has been really sensitive to cold - like someone is sticking barbed wire into the nerve. I know enough that this means I am on a one-way train to root canal ville, and I have this dental phobia, where a cleaning makes me panic..... fuck, i should just get dentures or something and save me the grief.......
So Survivor - as much as I hate Tom, he deserved it. And Ian.... can we say FUCKING IDIOT? Man oh man, that dork just fell off the turnip truck...
Oh, Keryn got the American Idol Barbie for her birthday.... the karaoke thing with it only sings one song - the chorus from "Oops I did it Again" by Britney, and it's all we have heard since yesterday. I am starting to channel Britney I think. Hey, her reality show starts on Wednesday. Honest to goodness..... I am just too tired to even quip on that (or that Hilfiger one starting). OMG, and did y'all see the commercial for the new Mark Burnett one - choose the new singer for INXS???? Michael Hutchence must be rolling over in his grave.... hell, Connie Chung would be too, if she were dead (yes, I know, it's not even funny, my Connie Chung thing, but I can't let it go.... I keep thinking if I keep saying it, it will turn funny). So like, how pathetic is that???? Does the world NEED anymore INXS? And I really LOVED INXS back in the day - I remember buying "Original Sin" on 12". LOL, that was solely because I had this thing for Black girls and the chorus was "dream on black girl, dream on white boy....". Oh Margo, I forgot about that stage of my life, the whole ethnic thing.... I remember you wrote in my grade 12 yearbook "well JT, you should have been Black...." Anyway, I really liked INXS. God, now I wanna listen to "Listen Like Thieves" right now. But you know, old Hutchence was married to that freaky woman who was married to Bob Geldof before, and they had all those kids with the funny names. And did he kill himself, or was it that autoerotic strangulation shit that was rumored? Man, I remember Oprah did a show on the strangulation thing years ago, and wouldn't mentioned what the act was, so guys wouldn't try it. I mean, I don't fucking get it at all - I can think of many easier ways to have an orgasm than strangle myself - Like, if you are choking your neck, you got it all ass-backwards.... lol, sorry, bad taste, but whatever. Ah, sometimes I just think that the world has gone completely crazy, I really do. Perhaps Rob and Amber could go in that one too - I am sure they could slip some Drano in the other competetor's tea to destroy their vocal cords.....
So I have the chance to go see the Queen tomorrow - She'll be in Regina and I was invited to go, but her stopover is like 1/2 hour, and we would basically only get a glimpse, and that would mean that I wouldn't get home until 10 pm or so, so I don't think I'll do it. They actually wanted me to hand out flags to the people, but I declined. Besides, the old biddy will be at the "Gala" on Thursday. I can't believe I am going to that stupid thing, all in hopes of seeing Joni. Ah well, whatever. So, I probably won't go see the queen tomorrow - a coworker is begging me to go with her but I just don't wanna give up my night.... lol, selfish bugger, aren't I?
Oh, still on the diet. I've discovered that I am in love with Lean Cuisines - I've been eating them since the weekend. Damn good, although I could fit the whole fucking portion in my mouth at once....
Anyway, I need to post this so I can search for lightbulbs online. I can't remember if I posted that my under counter lights have these stupid bulbs that I can't find anywhere, but I tracked some down in the states, so I am going to see if they ship to Canada.... yes, my life is full of odd curiousities.
Have a great Tuesday,

Friday, May 13, 2005

Candy Everybody Wants

Ok, well, I wasn't going to post tonight, but I just somehow stumbled upon this blog that had this discussion of 1970's candy, and an ode to Bubble Yum - well, slap my ass and call me Judy, because it was just yesterday that we were discussing Bubble Yum. Any other children of the 70's remember when Bubble Yum came out? It's really scary how my generation seemed to grow up on sugar and television, it really is. I remember how much I loved Bubble Yum, and then seeing the commercials on Saturday morning television saying that there was this new grape flavor. Well, keep in mind, I am in Canada, which means we never get all the cool stuff that the states has, so one weekend when we were going across the border to shop (I lived at the border then, and we used to go to the States to buy certain things like cheese and shit - I have no idea why - I should ask my Mama). So, we go across the line, as my Daddio would say, and I almost soil myself because I see grape AND spearmint Bubble Yum. I thought I died and went to gum heaven. Add to that my Hershey bar (you can't get just the plain, brown wrapper bars in Canada, I don't know why), and I was one happy little bugger. So think about how riddiculous that is - I am freaking out for gum. But remember how little things like candy just occupied your time as a kid? Remember Fun Dip? Or Apsen, the apple flavored soda? Or those cinnamon toothpicks? God, I remember it was also such a big deal to go to the states to pick up Boo-Berry cereal, and Frankenberry, and Fruitie Pebbles... Yup, good times....
Hey, anyone remember Farrah Faucett shampoo? Or how about Body on Tap, with the Beer in it, or Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific? I still have like 1/2 a bottle of it somewhere - I had this idea it would be worth something someday on ebay or something. I still remember my sister washing her hair with the "3 step" Vidal Sasson process, and that stuff always had an undercurrent scent of dogshit.
LOL, this post is going nowhere. I was going to post about my last trip to the states, when the fucking border guards hauled me in, but maybe tomorrow.... Hey, one question - anyone remember Sambo's, the restaurant chain in the states? Man, to think there was a chain 25 yrs ago called Sambos.... good lord.
Anyway, I better run. Have a great weekend, y'all.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Why DID Judith Light need those big glasses, anyway?

Shit, I just found some comments on old posts of the blog that I didn't notice - how the hell DO you get it to notify you by email when you have new comments? Shit, I am missing out.
So, the shows - first off, Caryn was soooo risky tonight to air all the scheming on Survivor, but it didn't work. As much as I can't stand Tom, Ian has to go before him, because he is so fucking stupid. And too creepy looking. He's gotta do something with computers. He just has to. As much as I can't stand that stupid bitch, whatshername - I am cheering for her... lol, you know, the one who did that whole trip on Ian. Man, this was just one big bunch of disappointing characters this time around.
Now the Apprentice. I changed my mind and I am cheering for Kendra - Tana was rude and stupid. Enough said.
So I got nothing else to say. One week from tonight, I'll be at that stupid thing, the Saskatchewan Centennial Gala, which has sold NO tickets, in the hopes that Joni will be prolific. She will be there is all I know. Oh man, Joni.... I really should figure out how to use my frigging digital camera before then.
I'm sick of dieting. Sick of it. Right now I am looking longingly at a jar of peanut butter sitting on the counter. You know it's bad when you almost get aroused by the thought of peanut butter...... ah well, not going to whine about food.
Oh man, speaking of diets, Brian mentioned the Suzanne Somers diet. How fucking ridiculous is that?? I mean, who is she? It's laughable. But you know, my friend's mother apparently lost like 80 lbs on it, and she snacked all day long on pork rinds and sour cream or something crazy like that. I think her diet must be Atkins-ish. God, Suzanne Somers is just so frigging gross. All that surgery - she is about two botox treatments away from Joan Rivers-ville. And again, who the hell is she to write some diet book?? It's almost as lame as Marilu Henner writing those child-rearing books. I mean, I am not going to take advice from Elaine fucking Nardo on child-rearing tips. Where the hell is her PH.D from? And, from what I have heard, she's one strict bitch, and her kids have no fun and I so know they will end up writing some book about her when she's dead, but nobody will care, because really, who the hell is she anyway?
Ok, confession time - speaking of tv women, you know who I thought was sorta hot back in the day? Judith Light. Then, when we started getting Who's the Boss reruns, I almost died - those glasses... those turtle necks.. those long capey sweatery things.... Yikes..... But does anyone remember the show "Phenom", that lasted like 1 season? She was the mom to this tennis player, and the theme song was sung by Carly, which is probably why I liked it.
Ok, so I just went to www.thesmokinggun.com because I haven't been there for a while, and holy moly, did I learn a lot. First, I had no idea Elliot Smith was dead. No idea. Well, apparently, he's dead. Then, Fred Durst has a sex tape floating around, which is quite funny. Then, I find out Bo from Idol has been busted twice, drugs both times.... very interesting.
Anyway, that's the rant for today. I better get my sorry ass to bed.
Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars,

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Happy Birthday deeeeaaar Keryn......

Well, damn Rosie turned her comments off again, and I am dying to find out what the hell is with the pic of her kid - there is something all over the floor in the picture, and now we'll never know what it is....
Today is Keryn's 4th birthday. Man, I think I was more excited than she was. I was nervous that something would happen to screw up her birthday. You see, her birthdays thus far have been sort of odd. Her first birthday was spent in Chilliwack, on our way back from Vancouver - I was there for a conference. Well, the maid in the hotel sang happy birthday to her (Violetta I think her name was) and then she had birthday cake from the grocery store... so it wasn't a real exciting thing, and the party we had a couple weeks later when we got home was very short, because it was in the park, and it was freezing cold.
Her second birthday was much anticipated by her, especially since her cousin's birthday is the day before - yes, Rachel and her sister were in the hospital together giving birth 12 hours apart. However, her sister was pregnant again and went into labor on Keryn's second birthday, and so her party was pretty much a bust. Her third birthday was going to be a grand affair, but then she got gastrointeritis or however you spell it, and started throwing up the night before her birthday, proceeded to throw up 26 times by noon on her birthday, and ended up in the hospital later that day, and for the next 3 days. So, as you can imagine, I wanted today to be nice. She is having a party with all the family on Sunday - today she just had us and grandparents and we ordered Pizza Hut (her favorite place) and she opened her presents after supper. We went overboard. I don't care. She got the Barbie Pet Store, the Barbie hair salon, a puzzle, some books, season one of The Brady Bunch (I'm not lying), a bike, a bike helmut, clothes, some Polly Pockets.... just everything. But as I said, I don't care.
I can't believe it's been 4 years since she was born. It somehow feels like yesterday, and somehow feels like I've always known her. I guess the main thing is that I just can't imagine life without my kids. You know, they have taught me so much - it is such a cliche, but I never thought I could love someone with such intensity. It always bothers me when people always blab on about getting away from their kids and stuff - my thought is that there will be time enough for that when they are teenagers and they don't want to be with us. Right now, I'll take every minute possible. The girls have really taught me how to love, and how to cry, and how to remember what is important and what isn't. Most of all, they have taught me that, no matter what I may think, it isn't about me. That self-centeredness really flies out the window.
I remember 4 years ago tonight. I left the hospital at about 1 am or so and came home, emailed some people, snuck a cigarette in my house (I still smoked then - it was still about me at that point), and then I did the hokey shit - put on Elton John's "Your Song" and wept like a baby.
When we brought her home, I put the song on for Rach and we watched her sleep and we both broke down. I used to sing to sleep, playing that song, and Elton's "Levon", and Jamess Taylor's "Only One", as well as a couple Joni songs. God, it's so funny now, because I remember the day we took her home, I was so damn excited to see what the reaction of the dog and cat was going to be - our first "children". The kids have also taught me that the dog and cat are just a dog and a cat... love em to pieces, but I no longer fret if the cat is outside or the dog pukes or whatever... lol, kids bring it into perspective.
So my darling daughter, if you ever read this, happy birthday. I wish the world for you - may you always be true to who you are, and may you always know that you and your sister are the best events that have happened in our lives, and that I want you to always remember how much you are loved. When facing any adversity or pain, always know you are extraordinary.

Monday, May 09, 2005

And I'll Never Have that Recipe Again.... (but, curiously, nobody left the cake out in the rain)

Oh Fucking extreme makeover - it's on in the background right now, and this dude looks younger than me, and he was diagnosed with cancer as a teen in his senior year, and beat it like 3 times, and then now needs a heart transplant or something now - and they are going to give him and his fiance a dream wedding, so I don't want to watch because you know what a fucking blubbery crybaby I can be. Well, to be honest, weddings bore the hell out of me, but since he's so sick, I am going to get sucked into this one...
So, the diet - I will never talk about it again, like Oprah. It's still on, don't get me wrong, but I am freaking out already at the trouble there will be. As I said, going out for lunch tomorrow, and it will be at a Greek/Italian place. Then, I have this feeling we will be invited out for Chinese tomorrow night - long story, but I think we will. So, tomorrow will be a trying day. And ok, fatties out there - do you remember like 10 years ago when Oprah's cook Rosie came out with that damn cookbook? Well, every fat person from here to Rejkavik went out and bought the damned thing, thinking we'll get all these great recipes to just cut all the fat out of our diets. I always thought "If I had a frigging chef like Oprah, it would be so easy." So we all spend our 20 bucks or whatever on the stupid book, and get it home, and I wonder how many people had the same reaction I did: "Oh, eggplant and gingered papaya sauce - hmmm, might skip that one. Oh, fresh kale and shallot salad with rice wine vinegar... hmmm, never seen fresh kale in Saskatchewan... Oh, here is one for chicken - hmmm, I don't really have the time to make homeade chicken broth, and I don't own a pressure cooker, so maybe I can just use roasted breasts and THEN dump them into the avocado/wasabi coating before we throw them into the convection oven for exactly 32 minutes."
Ok, so I made up the recipes, but you get the picture - completely useless recipes. The shit is either impossible to get when you live in the sticks, or it's just plain gross. I want someone to tell me how to make a fucking low fat meatloaf, not how to roast a fucking pigeon (sorry, SQUAB or whatever it is) in a raisin sauce. Like, give me normal comfort foods that I can feed my kids.... The only thing that sounded good in that book was sweet potato pie, which I've never had, but really, I hate sweet potatoes.. HATE them. And I mean, why even bother with sweet potatoes when you got pumpkin in a can, and if it ain't broke, don't fix it.....
So what brought this diatribe on? Well last night, I was looking for something to read, and was in my book room and my eye caught on this cookbook that I didn't recognize (oh, before I forget, I saw on the same shelf one of those anonymous books - Her or Us or something... I should include snippets on here - I know y'all want the blog to be more erotic and all.... ). So anyhooo, I pick up the "Low-Fat Living Cookbook" and take it to bed - where I proceeded to make sweet love to it over and over, until the sun came up, and the words were rubbed off the page - JUST KIDDING - Just trying to erotify the blog! Ok, so I take the book to bed, where I read it, and I just got madder, and madder, and madder.... Like, who the fuck either has this shit at their disposal, AND, who the hell likes this crap? I mean, I live in Saskatchewan, but still, I think this would be true for the majority of people who don't have a Whole Foods at their disposal. I open the cookbook (by the way, I love cooking, so a cookbook really does excite me), and I see the following: Steamed Mussels in Broth, Cashew-Crusted Shrimp with Mango Sauce, Mediterranian Fish Stew.... Like can you imagine? "Kids, supper's on - come get your piping hot bowl of daddy's fish stew! Daddy put in the extra teaspoon of crushed saffron threads, just like you like it!" I mean, if they eat a fucking potato and a meatball, I consider dinner a resounding success. Ah, I shouldn't be so hard on this book - after all, nothing compliments a good meal like a hearty "Bibb lettuce with apple-mint dressing" salad, especially if it's heavy on the horseradish and cranberries. And no, I am not making these recipes up, nor the ingredients. And everything had olives in it... People who like olives are just whacked....
Ok, freak out over. And no, I am not a complete food Philistine, but I mean, I want real stuff. Is it too much to ask? And not those damned weight watcher recipes, where those culty people get their rocks off about how they can make brownies with no fat (yes, I've had them... no, they are not particularly edible, unless you've been on a diet for 14 months, or if you have been living in Poland during Marshal Law. They also get so damned happy with salsa - ever notice that? "Oh, salsa, just put salsa on it!"). I really shouldn't rag on the weight watcher people, because it is really sensible, but when anyone get's all freaky about diet stuff, well, I can't help but mock.
Anyway, this Extreme Makeover sucks.... ain't gonna be no man-blubbering here.
Well, I best get to bed... I am so tired right now. Too tired to even brush my teeth. Don't tell my dentist.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

The Meeting for Gay Witches for Abortion will Now Come to Order!

Ok, I lifted the title from The Simpsons tonight - It was so damn funny, the second episode (taped the first one). Homer thought he predicted the Rapture and he was having this meeting, and Flanders pops in the windows and asked if it was a rapture meeting or something (I dunno exactly what was said, the dishwasher was on), and Homer says "no, this is a meeting of gay witches for abortion". Anyway, I thought it was funny.
Not much to say tonight - I am sick of talking about myself for once. Go figure. Just sitting here watching To Kill a Mockingbird and drinking some hot (really hot) apple cidar. Yup, barrels of fun.
Well, I sort of started a diet the other day. I don't know why I am telling you, because telling always leads to failure... lol. It's true. I am trying not to be obsessive but it's hard. That;s always my problem - if I cheat or something, then I just give up. I really need to learn flexibility. I am going out for this big lunch on Tuesday, and already I am panicked because I don't think this particular restaurant has a whole hell of a lot that is fat-person-dieting friendly. And yeah yeah, I know the whole spiel about how diets don't work, but if I can stick to it for a few months, I can easily ease into normal eating. I kept it off for a few years, but gained it back due to stress and quitting smoking. I think (I think) I have to no smoking chain-eating thing done with - it's been 3 years in July since I quit. And my motivation is my kids this time, not vanity. I am just terrified of dropping dead on them. That's how I quit smoking. But good God, I still want a cigarette in the worst way sometimes, like right now. Blogging would be so much more fun with a smoke in my hand. Ah, as Rachel so matter of factly said to me the other day when I said it was easier to diet when I smoked (I was looking for sympathy), but she just said "yeah, well, you don't do that anymore" and that was that. Put me in my place actually (LOL, I had strains of the Eagles' "Get over it" going through my head.)
OMG - OMG. Funny story. Well, not funny, but funny if you know me. My brother in law, Larry (wait, I know I real-life Larry I don't like - we gotta use a different psuedonym - let's call him Elliot). So my brother in law Elliot is a teacher and his class had a magazine sale, so he got everything half price of the lowest price, so I went all crazy and ordered like 200 dollars of subscriptions (I am a magazine junkie, and some were for Rach and Keryn). Well, they all start coming the past two weeks and I am completely freaking out because I can't keep up. Well, I've always loved adventure stories, like Peter Jenkin's books about walking across America, and that woman who went to the south pole and operated on her cancerous breast, and my latest is this spinsterish woman who built her own cabin and cleared the land in some remote place in BC and has lived there for like 20 years. So, I am looking at the magazine catalogue and see one that had this cover that said something like walking from Mexico to Canada or something and I get all excited. Well, I forgot about that passing fancy, until I get the mail Friday and see my new issue of "Backpacker's World" or something... LOLOL, it's funny if you know me, because one, I live in Saskatchewan, and while I am in the middle of the northern forest and like 2 hours from the Canadian shield, you won't catch me there. I am originally from the mountains, but I never get back there. We spend every weekend at the lake in the summer, but we either sleep in the cabin, or now, we have a used trailer with 2 beds and a toilet and a fridge that we sleep in, outside the cabin. There isn't a well at the cabin, and I hate to use the hauled water to bathe, so my big "roughing it" thing is to go to the lake at midnight to skinnydip and wash my hair. Roughing it is when we run out of propane at the lake. You get the picture? If I could travel around with a trailer, fine. But I just can't sleep on the ground. One time, Margo came in the summer and we were all going to sleep in this tent. Well, we all got our sleeping bags and I proceeded to put on this eye mask I found at Walmart (First and last time I used it - it was a disappointment - I have sleep issues, but I won't bore ya with them), and Margo almost peed her sleeping bag. She said it looked like I should have a lap dog and be eating bon bons. Well anway, she soon fell asleep and snored.... Rachel fell asleep... and I lay awake... then, since in Northern Saskatchewan, the sun will start rising at like 3 a.m. in the summer, I watch the sky turn pink, and listen to the birds chirp.... Finally, at like 5, I went into the cabin and slept on the couch. So.... me in the middle of the woods, after a long day of hiking, just wouldn't happen. I'd be scared of bears, skunks, pitching the tent on a wasp's nest, cutting myself and needing stitches, getting struck by lightening, finding a sasquatch (however you spell it), having a heart attack, an asthma attack (ok, I don't have asthma, but who knows what can happen), spider bites, etc. The lack of reality tv would also be a drag..... oh, and my eternal fear of food poisoning..... no fridge? Forget it..... and, if you think I would voluntarily take a dump in the woods? That's a good one.
So anyway, Backpackers World and me.... that's a good one. Don't let THAT one get out, because we used to make fun of this ex coworker who always had this gut hanging out and talking about Runner's World - lol, and here I am with my Backpacker's World.... in the words of Lauren Hill, karma karma karma come back to you hard....
Ok, bored y'all enough. Gonna change the laundry over, and get my fat ass to bed (actually, my ass isn't fat - sadly, I have NO ass.... no ass whatsoever... it's pretty sad.... Hank Hill has more bubble than I do, and y'all know HIS profile looks like an uncooked lasagna noodle...
Have a great day - I hate fucking Mondays, but hoping it doesn't suck....

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Sausages, Can I Partake?

Allrighty, this will be quick, I promise - It's after midnight and I just got the last child to sleep... I am not kidding. They are both kinda not feeling well. Lil' Kim has got a snotty nose and had a bad night last night, and, bless her 22 month old heart, she had a nap this afternoon, AND a nap at 6:30 tonight, until 7:30. Coininky-dinkily, Keryn for some reason fell asleep at 5:30 and slept until 7:30, so they were NOT tired tonight. So, they are sleeping now, and I am watching "The Shining" right now on IFC. It just started, but already it is scaring the shit out of me. So, I gotta get to bed soon before I get too freaked out. I am also trying not to vomit or something. I started taking Salmon Oil capsules again, but stupid fucking me took two at once and I just feel like I am going to heave up buckets of salmon juice. Yes, I never said this blog was pretty....

First off, it felt like it shoulda been a full moon the past two days. Work was insane. I had my frigging shorts in a knot for 2 days, fighting with everyone about stupid shit.... lol, but I was in no mood to let anything go. Margo will attest to my peacemaking abilities, so you gotta know I was riled up not to just let it all go. But anyway, all that unpleasantness is in the past.

Now, I just have to comment on something Roxanne wrote. She said she just finished Augusten Burrough's Running with Scissors and loved it. Well, that made my night, because I am his new disciple. He's the cat's ass - I loved Running with Scissors - it was so tragic, but he's so funny that I just pissed myself through the whole thing. Dry was almost better than Running with Scissors. I also bought his new one, Magical Thinking, a book of essays, and he's just so twisted, he should be my long lost brother. He's the cat's ass, he really is. If he was a woman, and I wasn't married, I'd marry him. However, as we find out in Magical Thinking, he has this strange fixation with transexuals, so who knows, maybe he WILL be a woman someday.... holy shit, you know what he told a telemarketer? He asked her if she was a post-op transexual, and asked her the depth of her new vagina and if it was self-lubricating, or something like that.... oh, you just have to read it, it's funnier than it sounds (lol, it really isn't as bad taste as that sounds, really). Just start reading Running with Scissors. Trust me. After you read Jennifer Weiner's Good in Bed.
Ok, I don't want to appear really shallow or anything, because as Liz Phair says so well, I am extraordinary, if you ever get to know me (Love that song, love that Liz, that foul mouthed firecracker!), but you know, my life has so many Seinfeld moments that are just... well... wrong. For instance, I am ashamed to even admit this, but today, a coworker was at this other career fair, and so Sharon and I went to visit her for a bit. Well, this thing was huge, and there was this woman there who was just dressed in the most frightening thing - well, the outfit wasn't bad, but she was wearing this miniskirt and these boots that went up to her knees, and they were, I am not lying, gold and lime green. I mean, it was just freaky. It was like being in a room with Elton John or something. So of course we are freaking out going "holy shit, look at that". So we leave ,and head back to the office, and our coworker calls and says she needs us to bring a box of stuff asap, so we get ready to go again, and we run into another coworker (we'll call this one coworker X, to protect the innocent). So we say to X, "OMG, this woman has lime green and gold boots, you gotta see" - by the way, X was just refilling her glass at the water cooler - so she says ok, and takes her water with her and we all jump into the car to drop off the box of stuff and look at the freaky boots.... Like, if that isn't Jerry and Elaine, I don't know what is. Oh, then when we were there, there were these 2 geeky teenage boys, musta been like 16, and looked straight out of the nerd group in Sixteen Candles, and they must have seen sausages or something (I dunno what the hell they were looking at) and they said in this robotic voice "sausages! Can I partake? Sausages, Can I partake" and so you know what Sharon and I said the rest of the day.... LOL so the last time she said it to me, I turned to her and said "are you coming on to me??" Oh, nevermind, you had to be there...
OMG, this show is freaking me out. I haven't seen it in years, and I LOVE these kinds of movies, but not by myself, at night, in the semi dark. The kid is doing that bent-finger talk after he sees those ghost twins.... ugh.... And whats her name, Olive Oyl, the mom in here, is so freakish looking.... they all are freakish looking....
Well, I better get my fat ass to bed. If the kids are ok tomorrow, we might hit garage sales, if the rain lets up.
The golden globes are over, y'all y'all yall! (I am never gonna let that one die, I hope you all know),

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Idol, a Funny Kid-pooping-on-the-floor story, and Judy Blume books, all in one post, for the low price of $19.99

Well slap my ass and call me Judy, Scott is FINALLY gone, but I have to admit I didn't mind him this week. Just watched that ABC thing on Idol, and they must be pissed at Fox for scooping them and beating them by putting on Trading Spouses before Wife Swap, and the same for the Nanny shows.... man, this thing is sleazy. I mean, give me a fucking break. If Paula Abdul was going to take a shine to me and whatever, who cares? As I said, she is so loopy half the time, who is to say one would be wise to listen to her. And I mean, nobody held a gun to his head and told him to take his dick out of his pants, so like cry me a frigging river. But you know, I remember when he did Foolish Heart, because I hated the guy up until then, and I turned to Rachel that night and said "what a genius song to do" - lol, now i know where he got the idea (or idear as Simon would say). But enough of that foolishness.... what happened to Steve Perry, anyway? I'd like to start a magazine and just have extensive interviews with people who have sorta disappeared... Steve Perry, Terri Nunn, the girls from Gimme a Break and Hello Larry...
So tonight was funny in the parent 'hood. We are both dead fucking tired because of the Wiggle's trip last night, but I got up and went to the northern community of La Ronge for a career fair, a 2 hour drive through thick forest, with no towns on the way. I was dodging damn deer all over the highway. It was nerve-wracking. Anyhooo, I got home all tired, and Rachel is all tired from just being pregnant (12 weeks tomorrow - whooo hoooo, 1st trimester over), and so I did my usual quick clean up and bed making when I got home, and started supper, and the kids are just being destructive like heck for some reason. They also have no pants on for some reason, probably because their Wiggles shirts were long like dresses. I make supper (just BBQ'ed some hot dogs and salad and beans) and then Keryn says she doesn't like hot dogs, salad, or beans, and so then Rachel is all stressed so she makes some Itchiban noodles for her, which delays supper. Then neither kid wants to eat anything, and they are crawling all over us, and the dog is whining for scraps, and so Rachel starts laughing about how we can't just ever have a relaxed meal, and then she said "they made us waste 38 cents worth of noodles, after I spent 2 minutes cooking this healthy dinner" and we were just pissing ourselves laughing. Then the neighbor calls and says she is coming over to give us a flier about her craft sale, and of course we have a mess, so we are trying to clean up quickly. Anyway, Kim suddenly goes "Daddy... poop" and then I pick her up and this poop plops out onto the floor. So Rach tries to pick up this poop, and I am trying to wipe her bum, and then anyway, after we are sitting on the couch and Keryn says to me "daddy, is that poop on your leg" and I am all "gee, I don't know honey" and run to the bathroom to discover that Kim got poop on my leg and my shorts, so then I am yelling "bath time... NOW!"
Oh man, you had to be here.... but I wouldn't trade parenthood for all the tea in China. One cool thing tonight was that we finally got the new tv channels, and one is muchmoreretro, which is commercial free retro videos. So I was so excited, but even cooler was the other channel, BPM, which is dance music, but they have this one hour where it is all 80s dance songs, which are my favorite. It was almost like seeing New York Hot Tracks with Carlos deJesus - does ANYONE remember that show, Saturday nights, they'd play dance videos, and broadcast from these clubs in New York and New Jersey? I sometimes think I made the whole show up in my head. So they played "Holiday" which brought me back to grade 8, and "Let the Music Play" and a whole pile of other stuff.
So Margo and Roxanne posted today about Judy Blume and how they loved Forever when they were in grade 7. That stems from my mention about how Judy Blume emailed me a couple years ago - I'll post about that another time, as I should wrap this up soon. Anyway, the Forever thing must be more a girl thing, because it's a good book, but it always made me sad because they broke up. I owned every Judy Blume and Norma Klein book, but the first adult Judy I read was "Wifey" in Grade 8. Whoa! I had that thing bookmarked all over the place. Forever was a good read, but in terms of the sex, which is what I think Margo was alluding to, wasn't really anything much. But Wifey, damn baby, it taught me a lot when I was 13. I also had all my mom's Jackie Collin's stashed away, and I read Hollywood Wives when I was 14, hidden in my basement. I also remember "Chances" was good - that one was bookmarked too... lol, of course we had the Anonymous "Her" "Him" "Us" "Them" "We" books that were good. Thank God my mother loved smut, becuase I woulda never learned a damn thing otherwise. My father had this Playboy with Vanna White in it, but I mean.. Vanna White? Even a 14 year old isn't THAT desparate....
But back to Judy. "Smart Women" is my favorite I think - I really love that book, and read it every year or so. And the same with Summer Sisters. I fucking love that book - it amazes me that she can still somehow catch my generation and be so in tune to everything, pop culture and all. It also takes place in Santa Fe and the Vineyard, the two places I've always dreamed of living. You know, in all those romantic notions I've had since I was 10, hanging out with the artsy fartsy crowd in Santa Fe and then living in a lighthouse or something on the Vineyard, having dinner with Carly Simon one night, James Taylor on another.... lol, yeah, I'm crazy. But SUmmer Sisters, awesome read - so I urge y'all to get Jennifer Weiner's Good in Bed - funniest damn thing.
Well, better get to bed, it's midnight again - middddnight... raining outside... you must be soaking weeeeet..... LOL, sorry, that reminded me of that old Yaz song.
oh, Mr Cabdriver is on right now, gotta go watch.
Seacrest Out.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

"Wow, this really IS an Action-Packed Show" - my night with the Wiggles.

Just got back from the Wiggles, but more of that later. First off, Margo called me before we left this morning, sounding like she swallowed an orange whole or something - "check my blog" she choked out, and I knew - Rosie had posted. Well, had we been born again, I would have described it as a halellulah time. So that was totally cool. It completely tops my email from Judy Blume or Jennifer Weiner or my third-hand discussion with Tuck and Patti. So, that was the excitement for the morning.
We went to Saskatoon today and took Keryn - Kim stayed home with Grandma. It was a fun day - took her to Toys R Us, where I snuck around and bought her birthday presents, and then we let her pick out a toy - she chose the Fairytopia Barbie. We also picked out a Dora bathtub thing for Kim. We took her to Rachel's Uncle Pete and his boyfriend Darwin's, and visited for a while, and then took her to Fuddruckers, and to Old Navy and Costco, and then the Wiggles. We met Rach's sister and her husband there, along with their son, who is 12 hours older than Keryn. She LOVED the Wiggles, and so did we. LOL, it was so funny - you can tell we so don't get out anymore or have any frame of reference for anything since we've had kids, because Rach turned to me and said "This sure is an action-packed show". LOLOL, she just meant that there was a whole bunch more shit happening than we thought, but it sounded so funny, so I said "sure is, Ma Kettle." Anyway, I had a moment too - Keryn was just so excited and of course you know me, I melt when I watch the kids filled with wonder and such, so I got all weepy watching her clapping and dancing.... I am telling you, I need Paxil or whatever the hip stabilizer drug is of the moment. So then I had to buy her a shirt, and Kim a shirt, and a hat, and I am such a frigging pushover when it comes to my kids.... but they are only young once, and damnit, I will spoil them and let them know they are worth all the gold in the world now, and then hopefully they will take that with them when they choose partners and pick someone who is worthy of them. Ok, diatribe over.
So we found this AWESOME trampoline at Costco, but it was almost 800 dollars, and I mean, if I had 800 dollars, I'd be jumping on the fucking thing already. We wanted to get one for the kids, but one with the side thingys so they can't fall off.... ah well, we'll see what we can do, and see if we can find a cheap one.
OMG, Marie Osmond is on TOny Danza right now, and she looks freaky - kinda like a white Janet Jackson with a chubby face again. What the hell she is on here talking about I have no idea...
HEY, whatever happened to.... Jimmy Osmond? Robby Benson? the James at 15/16 dude? The cast of Apple's Way? The ugly kid who played Adrienne Barbeau's son on Maude? The entire family in the Jets?
Hey, remember the Jets? Crush on You, You Got it All, etc.? I used to change the words to "You Got it All" when I was a teenager - I was in love with this person - Veronica. She had this boyfriend who she broke up with 42 times a year and cheated on him constantly, and she had a drinking problem too, but I thought she was the cat's ass... dunno why, and I was always her last-minute, secret person when they broke up, but I was too stupid to realize I was being used. So, her boyfriend was named Glen, and I'd change the HIM in the song to Glen and sing "You got it all over GLEN, honey it's true, there's just you.... you got it all, all over glennnn....." LOL, if that isn't a pathetic admission, I dunno what is.
Hey, Pete and Darwin told us of a Gene Simmons sighting. His woman's mother lives in Saskatoon, so he's always there, and they saw him get out of a pink cadaillac a couple weeks ago. Is Gene selling Mary Kaye??
Oh, one more HEY - I am going to the fucking "Gala" - just in case they do a Joni tribute - I have 10th row floor seats.... LOL, it is so going to suck, but I'll post more about that tomorrow, as it is getting late.
Ok, really gotta get to bed, although I feel longwinded. Oh, Roxanne has the funniest title ever - "If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle" - I have been pissing myself at that since yesterday. I gotta try that one on Sharon. I'll yell it and stomp out of the room.
Ok, have a great day tomorrow - don't mention Idol, as we have it taped and haven't watched it, so we will be behind tomorrow.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Just a Pile of Nothing

Well, thank the good lord that Monday is almost over. It was one frigging long day. I don't know if I mentioned last week that I caught a cold - well, anyway, I had a cold and it went away remarkably fast - I was patting myself on the back for my homeopathy or naturopathy or whatever you call it guru, since I was sucking zinc lozenges and chewing vitamin C and whatever else. Well, I wake up this morning with a scratchy throat, and I am feeling like I am getting a full-blown, achy boned cold now. Lovely. Fuck that natural shit - I shoulda just rubbed Vicks all over me like a stripper with baby oil, called in sick, and watched 12 hours of Maury doing paternity tests. THEN I am sure that would have prevented this THING from coming on. Ah, but then again, everyone at the party I went to was fevered and shit, so that's probably where I picked this delightful shit up from. Oh, and one more illness thingy - I've had this infected index finger for like a week - it's been swollen and sore, I so I knew it was infected somehow, but didn't do anything until today. I was sitting at my desk, contempating the number of perferations on my band-aid, and then I thought "just lance the fucking thing, JT - don't be such a fucking pussy" - so, like some hillbilly, I grabbed a push-pin off my bulletin board, poked the thing, squeezed it, washed it, and bandaged it. Well, then after that I was talking to some coworkers upstairs - who are nurses - and I mentioned what I did, and they freaked out, and said I was going to get blood poisoning and whatnot. LOL, so you know what I did? I came home and took some left-over penicillin from this winter that I never ever did take. Yes, it is because of me that everyone is resistent to antibiotics now. But no, seriously, I never take antibiotics, and I had these ones that I had no real reason to take (overzealous doctor) so I took them now. I'll never do it again. Anyway, it's a bitch to type with this finger tonight.
We both have tomorrow off of work. We are going to see the Wiggles in Saskatoon. If you don't know who the Wiggles are, you don't have young children. They were the richest entertainers down under this year, over Nicole Kidman even. Google them, and you'll know what we are going to. Anyway, we are making a day of it. Kim will stay home with the grandparents, and Keryn will get a whole day with us. I am so looking forward to it, so I hope this stupid cold thing just miraculously disappears. She was so grouchy tonight I was afraid she was getting sick or something, so cross your fingers - she was crying at everything.
So I was thinking of the movie 9 1/2 Weeks today... I remember seeing it when it first came out, and thinking it was just the most erotic thing ever. Margo and I both loved it. Now, I am thinking, wtf.... it was the stupidest thing ever... and you know, when they are getting busy in the fridge and pouring honey and stuff all over each other, all I would think about is who will clean that frigging mess up. Because we all know that nothing would be less appealing following a post-coital moment than saying "wow, that was wonderful baby, now let's grab some sponges and some Comet and scrub that maple syrup off the floor." I dunno, maybe I am just not very adventurous or something.
Anyway, gotta run.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

the weight (no, not the Band/Laura Nyro song)

Wow, nice comments today - I feel like the Pope or Oprah or something. Because as we all know, if Oprah ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. What did that last line mean? I have no idea - I just like to say it, because she's always saying "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". Oh well, anyway, I'm rambling on. Hey, if you do start the Alberta fan club, I am available for parades and ribbon cuttings.... LOLLLL oh, I am tired....
So nothing new to report on. Just finished Fat Actress - watched two episodes tonight. Man, I love that show. Also watched the two Simpsons episodes, and one of them was Bart getting fat, so I thought it must be fate that I finally talk about weight. The other day, one of Margo's friends posted something on her blog about weight, and it sort of bugged me and I'll explain why in a minute - let me get their first.
Ok, so I'm fat. I've always sort of been up and down in my adult years. Well hell, I thought I was a butterball as a kid, but when I look at pictures, I see I really wasn't. I've always been bigger, or husky or something, and always thought I was big, but I really wasn't - I just had a penchant for tight clothes. But then in my early 20's, I got really fucking fat. It just came on like crazy, and I can't even look at pictures of myself from then. I went on a diet or two, and lost the weight one summer, and gained it back and more that fall. Then, when Oprah was doing all that touchy feely Bob Greene bullshit in 97, I coincidentally started another diet, and ended up losing 50 lbs. So of course I tapped into the whole Oprah thing and was this big Bob Greene disiple, and was even journaling my eating and was all "you gotta get to the root of your emotions" and it was just sickening. And I kept the weight off for 3 years. Then, the same old pattern... gained 50, lost 30, gained it back, lost 30 the next year, and here I am. I can lose the weight easy - I can drop 30 lbs in 2 months... it's just sticking to it after that 2 months. I am gearing up for another diet now, but it's hard to get into it. So anyway, Margo was wondering why I was all huffy when her friend was all "you gotta do the Oprah thing and find out why you eat" and blah blah blah, and that's why - I've been there, and it annoys me to know in the back of my mind that I eat because I am happy, sad, mad, glad, bored, tired, and hyper.
Then, her friend posted about how fat women should be proud to go swimming and not ashamed to be in a bathing suit and it's more embarrassing to be sitting there eating a Big Mac than it is to be exercising. Well, yes, I agree with that, and think it holds true for men too, and it is common sense, but I still had a shock. This all boils down to that startling moment when you realize that you are indeed fat. It happened before Christmas. I was starting another diet, and I was out of town on business. It was around supper time, and I was so tempted to just go strap on the feedbag at some restaurant, so I thought "fuck it, I am going swimming". So, I called around, found the Y had lane swimming, and away I went. Now, I was not the slightest bit embarrassed about my shape, and I am always pretty damn good about thigs like that. So I am swimming and feeling damn good that I resisted food, and while I can't swim that well, I managed to do ok. So then I am done swimming, and I get out and am I in the change room and I see there is a steam room, so in I go, and just feel so relaxed and good, and then I get out and right outside the stream room is a row of sinks with mirrors. Well, I glance up and all I see in the mirrors is my big ole naked self reflected in the mirrors, hilighted by this big fucking stomach and I am all "wtf is that" and then it sinks in - that's me. So, needless to say, I fucking ran to get the hell out of there. Up until then, I never realized that the little me that I used to know was just so damn big.
So that is also why Margo's friend's post rankled me.
Ok, but there are a couple of funny fat incidences that make me laugh when I think of them. First, there was the time that I went to the Big and Tall store, and just couldn't do it. The guy asked if I was xmas shopping, so I invented this fat brother. I said he needed a sweater for Christmas and he was my size, maybe a little bigger, and then acted like I wasn't sure of my selection and asked for a gift box and gift receipt and asked when they took returns. So that was a good one.
Then there was the time that I was ordering food at the drive thru and ordered an extra drink so it looked like the food was for two, or the time I ordered from room service the entree plus the meal sized salad, and closed the bathroom door when the dude knocked to bring the food and pretended there was two of us in the room....
Now, to pull a Roseanne Cash, I am going to recommend a book - Good in Bed, by Jennifer Weiner. It's about this woman who's fat, and her ex boyfriend writes this magazine column called "loving a larger woman" and it is just so funny - I emailed her and told her how much I loved it, and she actually emailed me back. So please, go read this book, because it's hillarious.
Ok, so that's all I have to say about weight, and I won't mention it again. Time for bed. Gotta go get ready, and eat a tube of toothpaste - just kidding!
Have a great day everyone.