Saturday, January 30, 2010

-- Ok, so tell me this: If you have had a McDonald's drink in the past year or so, there is always something weird written on the cup. It will be a picture of someone, usually a woman, and say "Rosa Smith, Medicine Hat, Alberta, Global Casting Star" or something like that. What exactly is that all about, anyway? Am I just daft? Am I missing some big promotion? Or is it like they are putting their employees on the cups and calling them casting stars? Like Walmart used to do with their employees. You know, like a dude sitting on a step ladder in Fruit of the Looms with his wheelchair next to him and the caption "Adam, Customer Service Rep., Mississauga"?

-- So the Olympics start soon, and there is no snow. Well boo hoo. Perhaps they should change venues and hold some events here, or in places where there actually IS snow. You know, I'd love to see "Speed Skating on Lake Winnipeg" or whatever. And I mean, I am sure Calgary is still paying off the shit from their Olympics, so maybe they should use that again. I bet there is snow there. But no, let's just truck in snow in double digit temperatures, and have all the tourists stay in converted flop houses while the crack ho's are trucked out of town and left to sleep in warehouses throughout the lower mainland. You laugh, but it's true. They're hiding Vancouver's dirty little secret.

-- SNL is on right now, and fuck me Dorothy, this shit isn't the slightest bit funny. It's really painful to watch. They even had Michael Buble in a sketch, if that tells you how low they have sunk. They just did that huggy/kissy thing at the end, and I recognized nobody. Bring back Ellen Cleghorne, damnit!

-- I had the worst sleep last night. It was a real letdown, because I was so pumped to sleep in, but I tossed throughout the night and had horrible dreams. It's unusual for me to have bad dreams, but man oh man, last night made up for it. I kept dreaming of my mom and she was really sick and pretending she wasn't and I was just a wreck and at one point I woke up and felt this wave of relief, thinking "oh, it's a dream, I've already gone THROUGH her being sick" but then I dreamed it again and I felt so unsettled. I think this whole thing with Rachel's mom being in the hospital stirred up stuff for me, and that's why I had those dreams. But anyway, I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep and then we sort of hit the ground running because we were out of everything so we got a sitter and ran to Superstore and spent like almost 400 dollars and then went to Co-op and spent more money, and then we had to go home and try to put it all away. Then my 6 year old wanted to go for a walk with me, because she keeps saying the two of us are going on a diet together, so we went walking on the trail by our house and before you knew it, we walked 2.5 miles.

-- Oh, so then tonight, I ran into Walmart right before supper to pick up these Xmas tree storage things. They are just glorified Rubbermaid containers, but whatever. The box to our Xmas tree broke this year, and when I say broke, I mean that fucker flattened itself out like Ally McBeal's chest and there was no hope in trying to tape it together. The xmas tree pieces are shoved in a corner of the garage, so it was imperative I get a thing to put them in. So anyway, I run in there trying to be fast, grab the containers, and realize they are so big that they are horribly hard to lug around the store. However, I lurch to the cashier - not the stupid express labrynth, but a real one, and the people ahead of me are having some sort of trouble paying. I dunno what's going on, but the guy finally goes to the woman "just call for an overrride" and I should have known it was the cashier from hell. So then they get straightened out, and there is one guy in front of me, and this chick is so frigging slow and then I get a good look at her, and I sort of fall into a trance. You see, she is one of those bun-headed long-haired denim skirt and running shoes wearing women who belong to some sect or other. True, the hair wasn't in a bun nor was it exactly in a pony tail. However, it was done up with a lot of bobby pins - enough so that you can tell she belongs to something. She was wearing a black skirt and not a denim one, but still - you knew. She so wasn't enthused either. So it's my turn and I am wondering who gave her the permission to get a job, because these types usually don't work. I thought her husband or father or minister would have put the kybosh on it, but I guess not. Unless she was being naughty. Anyway, so she is slow and I am beyond grouchy and then I realize that my stupid bank card is sitting in the van so I thankfully have my wallet and pay with Visa. Well, she stares at my card like there is pornographic images coming out of the hologram, and then she gets me to sign on this piece of cupboard the size of a stamp, and then she compares the fucking signatures like she's working for the fucking Franklin MINT and she's making sure the fucking Minnie Pearl commemerative plate she is shipping out is authentic. ANYWAY, then she says in her odd accent "Oh you signed a little differently, do you have some ID" and so instead of being nice like usual, I mutter a band word and wave my licence in her face. But as I walked away, I wondered if she was a Hutterite or something who left the colony. I felt bad I wasn't a model customer but I just wasn't in the mood.

I also feel bad that my former employer is front page news again, and I am taking such glee in it. It's really all hitting the fan right now and I love it. I'm a horrible person.

OMG, there is another TimeLife infomercial on tonight, and tonight it's the guy from REO Speedwagon, and it seems to be a compilation of 80s shit. So far they've shown Journey, Heart, and, of course, REO. Holy moly, is this REO dude OLD. He's all grey and looks like a grandpa. A sort of fruity grandpa, at that. Actually, he looks like Martin Short doing a spoof of a fruity grandpa who used to be in REO Speedwagon. OH MAN, "Feels Like the First Time" - I have such good, nostalgic memories of that one, from like grade two. OH MAN, PETER FRAMPTON! LOL, I better not watch, or I'll order it.
My friend, let's call her... FARGO... once recorded herself singing along to "I Can't Fight This Feeling" and accidently played it in front of me. Oh man, that still cheers me up on a bad day.

OMG, Against All Odds.... seriously, is there a better song than that?

You know, it's unfortunate that Steve Perry had such a hideous nose. People probably hid the coke when he come in the room, because you could suck up the entire population of Peru with that thing. And I mean, he couldn't pick up a groupie and at least PRETEND she was there because of his looks, rather than his fame, and the hopes of him writing another "Oh SHerrie" for her. I suppose that nose would come in handy in an odd way in the bedroom, but still....

You know what I think I will do someday when I get some free time? Write the sequel to "Sister Christian" - 25 years later. You know, tell the whole story of her dropping out of junior college in Hoboken because she was knocked up, and all about her messy marriage and divorce and now her menopausal issues. Motoring indeed, honey.

You know what I'd love? To see reruns of American Bandstand. Fuck those kids sure loved to dance funny.

Oooh, Mr. Mister! Ohh, "You Belong to the City"! Ok, seriously, I gotta change the channel.

You know who I am really into lately? Linda Rondstadt. I don't know why, but I listen to her so much now.

I know, I know, I am just typing to type, but I just don't feel like going to bed. Maybe this nostalgia music is getting to me.

Well, I can't think of anything else to say, so i guess I might as well sign off now. To Golden Globes are now over, y'all, y'all, y'all!

Friday, January 29, 2010

TGIF... TGIF like you wouldn't believe. In fact, good-freakin'-bye January - I won't miss you. After a warm month, we got hit with the storm last weekend, and then the bitter cold. We didn't even get hit that bad - apparently, we got 16 cms, while most other places got an entire foot or more. Still, roads are still bad, and since we had 2 days of rain before the snow, it's icy. Work has been crazy, life has been crazy, Rachel's mother was finally released from the hospital last night, so that's great, but up until then, it was still a gong-show roller-coaster of things at the hospital that I am too tired to explain. Let's just say it was the usual - you think things are going right, and then they aren't. But anyway, all is good now. But it was still a stressful week with that, and then in the midst of it, I broke the dryer. Now, I don't know if I whined on here about how one of the reasons I hate January is because I am always broke. I get paid once a month, and we get paid for January well before Xmas, and so by Jan. 1st, I'm already whizzing through my money because of Xmas and post-Xmas stuff. So anyway, the other night, I break the fucking dryer. Or it broke on me. Or something. Rachel was at the hospital, and I was trying to get the house together and do some laundry. Well, I am just about to throw her work uniform (she has to wear a uniform) in the wash, but first I am throwing some clothes from God knows when which I washed twice before going to dry them, into the dryer. I notice that they don't smell like fabric softener, and since it was 30 below, I think they'll get all violently static-y. Then I remember I have one of those new Bounce bars that you put in the dryer on the shelf. So, I go to slide the refill into the thingy in the dryer, and I turn the drum, and it makes this horrible noise. You guessed it. It was instantly buggered up. The damn thing wouldn't tumble. Luckily, I noticed it right away, before the dryer overheated and caught on fire. So then I panic, thinking I need a new dryer and blah blah blah, but long story short, the repair guy came and he told us it was an 11 dollar part, but labor was 90 because he had to come twice, and I was so happy to be getting off with 100 bucks, I didn't care. He also had to clean the whole thing out because the vent wasn't attached to the fan or something, and the entire thing was full of lint - I am talking an entire garbage can of lint. So, really, this probably stopped us from a fire. He vaccuumed it out too, so anyway, it's all good.
But yeah, it's been a crazy, stupid month. And I didn't sleep well last night so I was dozey today and drank waaaay too much coffee and ate too little food, and was jittery as Tiger Woods in divorce court, and ended up at the grocery store at 4:30, sweating and shaking with a double combo of low blood sugar and too much caffeine. Let's just say it was a gong show.
And it's a full moon.
There - the bitching is done. Seriously, I am just glad we made it through the month. And it's light earlier in the morning and later in the evening, so this cold weather isn't even that horrible.
I really should go to bed, but it feels good to just sit. I don't have anything really to say, so I am just going to type and see what happens.
Did anyone watch Idol this week? Man, that Katy Perry sure was an old bitch, wasn't she? I mean, really, if she hadn't of kissed a girl, she wouldn't be jack shit. And Avril? Good LORD. What a creepy little freak she is - I didn't realize she was that odd looking, or that weird. Doogie Howser was great though. Again, I hate to admit it, but I don't even notice that Paula is gone. Stupid bitch. She should have taken what they offered her - it's not like she has anything to fall back on.
My sister brought a whole stack of Star magazines for the older girls - apparently, they told her they like the pictures or something. WELL. I just realized I am even more out of it than I thought. Like, I will finally admit here that I have no idea who this Kardashian woman is. No clue. But apparently, she must be some sort of big deal because she's in all of them. I think she's some reality star, but I don't know. I'd google her, but I really don't care.
And again, I saw Madonna and her plastic surgery. It makes me sad that she did it, because she's so odd in other ways, I didn't think she'd do something like that. I figured it would go against the Kabbalah, or she'd just tie a red string around her crow's feet or something, but I guess not.
And then, whilst taking a rare evening poop tonight, I saw this picture of Sarah Jessica, and she looked.... whats the word.... like some sort of elf or hobbit or sea urchin or something. Really, it was unsettling. Now, I know I am no Willie Aimes, but still......
It's sort of unsettling when your bowel movements fall outside of their regular pattern, hey? An evening poop is just so odd.... kind of like someone flying a kite at night. Odd and unsettling.
So everyone in this entire town seems to be going to Mexico this week. At work, there are 3 people gone right now, and I think a grand total of 5 more going this weekend. So of course I was bitching and whining about wanting to go and yada yada, but that would mean I couldn't do jack shit in the summer, so I should just shut up. And I mean, you all know what would happen if we went. First, I would have a royal panic attack in the plane and they'd have to emergency land in some horrible place to make sure I wasn't croaking, and then we'd get there, and my room would be full of bedbugs and lizzards, and I would get the shits and start puking the second we landed and one or two of the kids would follow suit, and we'd all be wearing diapers and trying to buy saltines on the blackmarket. Then, on day 4, when we'd all be better, someone would get an awful sunburn and blister and someone would knock a tooth out on a waterslide, and I'd go to the pharmacy to buy some black-market drugs and I'd get sucked into trying Viagra and would get that painful 4 hour erection they talk about and have to have emergency prostate surgery in a dirty Mexican clinic, and then rebels would storm the hotel right before a hurricane hit. So I should just be happy to be here.
Oh, I was watching House Hunters International tonight, and Suzanne Whang WASN'T the host! It was some other woman, and the people didn't even BUY a property. It was just so wrong on so many levels.
I guess I should get to bed. I am rereading one of Augusten's books for something to do. You know, as much as I like him, I really, REALLY get sick of hearing about his fucking dogs. He spends way too much time writing about them. I'd rather hear about midgets.
Anyway, happy Sat. peeps. Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars......

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Chinese food: Never as good as you think it will be

-- So today, as I was firing up the laptop in the kitchen, getting ready for my weekly fix of American Top 40: the 80s on 101.5 The River from Toledo (it airs tomorrow at noonish on kruzFM from Peterborough), they were playing that song by Dido before the countdown began. I don't know the name of it - the one that goes "I won't go down with this ship...." - and they had a picture of the album cover. I realized then that I had never seen Dido before. It was odd, because she didn't look like i thought she'd look. You know how you can hear a song and immediately picture the person singing it? I mean, you don't have to have ever laid eyes on Meatloaf to know what he looks like. Same with Stevie Nicks. Or Aretha. However, Dido was a young girl, pretty, nothing especially distinguishing. And this isn't what I pictured. No, the second I heard her for the first time, I KNEW she would look British. Not with bad teeth, or too many teeth, or with greasy hair, but with white blond hair, not fat, or even exactly chubby, but just a little big boned and hippy (not flower-power, but big hipped). I actually thought of Alison Moyet but skinnier, but this isn't exactly right. Dido was a little full-figured, blonde, a little awkward, overly kind, dressed in Levis and jean jackets, smelled of Pears soap, wore hoop earrings, straight, thin, but long hair, shy smile, excessively kind, had more than one cat, a space between her teeth, maybe a delicate version of Christine McVie, but not exactly. Accentuates herself with a scarf, likes patchouli, works as a nursery school teacher or a nurse in an old folks home, or perhaps a man's job like mechanic, but not a lesbian, although she's a little oafish and rough around the edges enough to be thought of as a sister by sisters who want to sleep with her. She sometimes would indulge in too much beer or wine and likes fish and chips and may even smoke Silk Cut once in a while, and chews spearmint gum, and always falls for the wrong guys, the ones who use her and sleep with her and then go home to their girlfriends, and she cries in her tea, but she doesn't get hard-hearted. A real salt of the earth gem of a person.
And Dido wasn' that at all. So I just don't know what to make of it.
It's sort of like how, back in the day, in late 1983/early 1984, when Madonna first came on the scene with her first single "Holiday" and Shannon came out with "Let the Music Play" - these two songs came out at the same time, and I effing LOVED the everloving shit of their entire being. I know I get all drama-queen about all this music shit all the time, but seriously, in defining musical influence moments, those two songs were in the top five, maybe even top 3, of musical influences/epiphanies/etc. This is what cemented my love for 80s dance/disco/funk music. Anyway, I somehow pictured this Madonna to be a black woman with those Bo Derek braids - a lady Stevie Wonder - and Shannon to be a blonde chain-smoking woman. And neither was true - SHannon was black with the braids, and Madonna was chubby and white and sort of sleazy. I remember seeing the video for "Burning Up" on "New York Hot Tracks" and going "she's white!?!" I didn't even see that one coming. What does any of this have to do with anything? Nothing. But whatever.
So anyway, back to the countdown. This week they are airing the broadcast from this week in 1983. And freakishly, I fucking remember hearing the countdown on the radio 26 years ago - just like last week's. I shit you not. How do I know this, you ask? Well, they had the listener-write-in trivia question, which was "what act has had the most top 40 sings and never had a #1 hit"? and i yelled out "ELO!" because I remember learning this, well, 26 years ago. I have even told Rachel this trivial fact before, when ELO was on the radio, and she looked at me like "holy shit Batman, how did I get myself into this one?" LOL, I remember we were travelling back from my dearly departed aunt's place, which was 4 hours away, and listening to this broadcast in the back of our looooong Buick LeSabre. Anyway, if you are interested, check it all out on the KRUZ tomorrow. It airs at 1:00 PM Ontario time, so that's like 12:00 SK time, etc.
Today it snowed like CRAZY. We slept late, and then got up, and baby boy is still sick, so he was sucky and we didn't get much done at first, and then we started cleaning our upstairs and then I finally threw some clothes on and went out and shoveled our driveway and our neighbors, and then ran to Walmart and Sobeys and then came home and Rachel ran to the hospital and I cleaned like a motherfucking Alice on 'roids, and put away 5 heaping baskets of clothes, and then Rachel said she'd stay at the hospital for supper, so I convinced the kids to let me order Chinese, which they hate, and I ordered a shitload of food, and it wasn't even good, so now I feel gypped of 40 bucks, and I have oodles of leftovers nobody will eat. Anyway, it must have snowed a good 10 cms since I shoveled and it's still coming down, and now the wind is gusting like a mofo, and I admit I love winter storms when I have nowhere to go. Call me weird. But whatever.
Oh man, I've gained so much weight. All the weight I lost I put back on right after my aunt died. Emotional eating. I've got bitch tits now. I think I've reached the disgust point now though, so I think I am ready to diet next week - I refuse to be 40 and fat. This 4o thing is really sobering to me. It's like the fun and games are over - it's time to be serious.
Golden Girls reruns are on right now. I can't believe Bea is gone. She sure got slim for Golden Girls - Maude had some meat on her bones.
I guess I should get to bed - the Advil will be wearing off soon on my son, and we'll have to drug him again to get through the night. I hate kid fevers - scary as all fucking hell.
LOL, by the way, last night, at 3:00 am, Rachel wakes me and goes "Feel baby's head - is he really hot?" (he was in bed with us), and then she goes "go get an advil for him" and I go "oh, a pouch" and she goes "no, a PILL" and I go, "yes, I know, a POUCH" and I just wasn't waking up right, and it was a funny Gong-Show.
Oh, and I am doing my yearly Augusten Burroughs re-read. He's sort of full of himself, hey?

Anyway, that's all I got to say. If all y'all want some Chinese food, please feel free to stop by tomorrow for lunch.
Holy moly, the wind is blowing and I can feel the breeze rush across my feet from my backdoor. Either the dogs have scratched off the weather-stripping again, or the rapture in imminent.
Peace out, dudes.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Celebs for Haiti: The REAL Story

-- First off, let me vent that on my Blackberry, I cannot comment on certain blogs (*ahem* Chunks). I write these long-winded things, hit send, and get an error. So, Chunks, I had a whole bunch of constructive things to say yesterday about the parent'hood, but fuck if I remember what the hell they were now when I'm NOT on the BB. Anyway, I tried.

-- So, the "Celebrities look serious for Haiti" special is on now - on pretty much every channel. I missed the first hour and then some, but am catching some now that it's ending. Now, let me say this: I am nauseated and sort of panicked about Haiti, more so than I even am about most natural disasters. It makes so much of what I bitch about seem so trivial and I feel like I am horrible for these "problems" I whine about. Every time I sigh about something this week, I think "gee, you sure are downtrodden, being a 40 year old orphan with a wife and 4 healthy kids and a well-paying job with a roof over your head and food in the fridge". So, believe me, I am not living in a bubble.

-- However, I just a a few things to say about this telethon. Yes, George Clooney is a wonderful man - I mean, that's what they all they tell us. And I applaud him for throwing this together, because i don't think I could even pull off a chili lunch for Haiti at this point. No, it's a great idea. But I just am wondering a few things. You know how i always come down hard on my celebs because they think they are so special. In particular, the Brangelinas, Julia Roberts, etc. Well, Julia Roberts still annoys the everloving fuck out of me, and tonight was no different. She was sitting there, in some vaguely odd-looking drab sweater thing, talking to Mabel from Mobile on the phone, and it was all too much. But of course, I also was thinking "gee JT, maybe you are jaded because it's Julia." But, then everyone started singing. And it was just so.... weird. It was like that 9/11 telethon. Really serious. And yes, Haiti is serious. But I keep thinking of the telethons when I was a kid, where it was 20 hours of celebs and local yokels performing and having to talk to the audience and answer phones and ad-lib and entertain. I really believe the entertaining part is key. Tonight, it was so serious. No smiles, no applause, no nothing. Just celebs wearing black or dark colors, and trying to be serious. No banter - just sing your song and you are gone. The first telethon I ever gave to was this one I used to watch at New Years when I was a kid. Celebs were on it of all kinds, and it would be full of mis-cues, and flubs and banters, and entertaining. I can't remember what the telethon was for, but me and my next door neighbor called in and pledged a dollar each. Tonight, my kids would have been bored stiff and wouldn't have offered a dime because it was so scripted and had no audience or life of any kind. I would have loved to see it go on for 24 hours. In Saskatchewan, one of the coolest things is Telemiracle, the Kinsmen telethon each year. It's 20 hours long, it's hokey as all fucking hell, but the 4th rate celebs are there and give it their all, and every club in the province shows up giving a donation, and you know, it's unique and special and it makes a HELL of a lot of money. SO if they would have let their hair down, rocked out, spent the night, entertained a crowd, well.....
But whatever. I'm just saying a big Jerry Lewis telethon might have been cool.
So now that it's over and the money is in, let me critique a few celebs. First, Madonna. Rocky, you were right - she did have a facelift. I was sad to see that. I think she'd have been cool to watch grow old. Anyway, she was singing "Like a Prayer" but it had no umph. She sounded sort of odd, and she didn't have a fucking clue what to do with her arms. She was trying to be all gangsta-stance, but it wasn't working, and when the choir was singing, she was clapping with the mic and it was strange. It sort of worked, but was sort of weird.
And then there was Justin Timberlake. Well fuck, you know I hate to admit it, but I fucking own his two albums. Yes, I know, I know. But I do. I'd never blurt that out at a car show or anything, but FUCK, that damn bastard can sing, and that high voiced dance shit he does on the first album is good. And "Sexyback" - well, I admit, I know every word - go ahead, be gone with it. ANYWAY. I wasn't in the room at the time, but I heard strains of "Hallelujah". I have this love/hate relationship with that song. A love relationship because, simply put, I really LOVE that fucking song. A hate relationship because every damn singer trying to be serious or "deep" sings the song. Or people who try to be pretentious and pretend they are so deep will talk about how that is their favorite song. I am secure enough in my intellect to proclaim that I don't get the big deal about Leonard Cohen. We have friends who pretty much orgasm at the mention of his name, but, if I am keeping the sexual analogy, I can't even get hard with that shit. I don't know what the hell he's singing about, nor do I care. Joni Mitchell's "Rainy Night House" is supposedly written for him, as they were playing hide the sausage back in the day, and I love that frigging song, but anything of his, well... meh. But I love Hallelujah. And Timberlake did it really well. But holy shit Batman, that dude was taking himself so seriously I wanted to burst out laughing. It was just too much. And then Jennifer Hudson came on singing "Let It Be", but I can't say anything about that, because whatever she sings, she commands complete respect. She has no pretention at all.

-- Ok, and what in the FUCK is on Brad Pitt's face? Seriously?? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I don't know what he's trying to state with that fucking thing, but it's like a fucking Armenian armpit hanging off his chin. Those ZZ Top dudes would be rolling over in their graves if they were dead. What does that mean? I should google it - does a long goatee mean he's Rastafarian or something? It must have some "SYMBOLIC" meaning. I think I saw Aniston on the phones next to Stevie Wonder. Honey, you dodged a fucking bullet with that one. Thank your lucky stars you are single and 40. Hell, even Sandra Bullock's trailer trash/jailbird looking husband looks better than that shit. Let him have his blood-wearing/brother-fucking 'ho - your daddy is on Days of Our Lives, and ain't nobody can take that shit away from you.

-- Lady Gaga is on 20/20 right now. Seriously, they call her the next Madonna?? Honey, your 5 minutes are almost up - bask in the flaming piano glow now. Rah-rah-ga-ga-ga indeed, bitch.

-- Did you notice that it looked like Jay-Z had his finger up his nose tonight? And what's the big deal with him anyway?? This will sound racist or something, but I can't tell any of this rap shit apart, unless it's Eminem bitching about his trailer-trashy mother- my favorite line of his is "I just settled all my lawsuits/fuck you Debby!" in regards to his ever-suing mother in the trailer. Anyway, I love that Jay-Z/Alicia Keys song, "Empire State of Mind" or whatever it's called, but it's really for her chorus and not his rapping. Anyone could rap, and I wouldn't know the difference. Is my almost 40 years showing?

-- Ok, I will say one nice thing - you know how I always complain about Beyonce? Well, as time goes on, the more I realize I sort of enjoy her. My kids love that "Single Ladies" shit, and I still think "If I were a Boy" is shocking. It just hits you in the gut. So.... maybe I sort of will cut her some slack.

-- Oh, and as for Idol last night - I loved the "heartfelt" stories - the daddy with the autistic kid (although I might have cheered for him because he was fat like me) and that jailbird dude, but that girl with the droopy face? Not so much. I found her sort of annoying.

-- Oh man, I am so glad it's the weekend. It's been one HELL of a fucking week (hence the liberal use of the "f" word). My mother in law is still in the hospital, and she is slowly recovering from her surgery. She's been laid up since Dec. 15th, and has been back in the hospital for almost 2 weeks now. Anyway, she was in horrible, horrible pain on Tuesday and Wednesday and its a long story, but it was quite frightening, so Rachel has been at the hospital a lot, and was there until 2:30 am on Wednesday, so we are REALLY tired and such. Good news is that we think she's on the mend now. But let me say this - I would, in a second, vote for two-tiered health care, because from what I've seen here the past month, the Canadian system isn't working. Bullshit is what it is.

-- So, my wife has been really worried and preoccupied with her mom this month, and we've missed so many of the kids' activities, and have had no sleep and have just been so stressed. THEN, to make matters worse, on Monday, baby boy fell down our tile stairs, got a huge bump on the head, a bleeding nose, and broke his front tooth on the top. He chipped half of it off. So, that has been stressful. We took him to the Dr. and dentist and are just sort of waiting to see what will happen. I hate to think he may lose the tooth or have a black, dead tooth, or a half-missing tooth, but she said to wait a few weeks until it gets stronger and we'll see. So, that's stressful. Then, he ended up fevered yesterday and today, really high, and we took him to the doc today and he said his throat is red but didn't seem infected, but tonight he got all pale and pooped a lot, so I wonder if he's got the flu. I've had the shits myself tonight, if you care. So, that's icing on the cake. Anyway, life has been beyond stessful this month. Seriously - you have no idea how stessful it's been. The poor kids. Anyway, I could be in Haiti, so I'll shut up.

-- I keep dreaming my cat is dying. I dunno what that means, but it disturbs me.

-- We are getting our first winter storm of the year. We have had hardly any snow - in fact, I have been able to see the leaves on my lawn all winter, and my kids didn't have enough snow to make a snowman this winter, but that will change this weekend. Supposed to get 10-15 cms in this big storm. OH, but I am pissed at the Weather Channel, because I turned it on today to see the forecast, since it's been freezing rain for 24 fucking hours, and people are talking of this storm. Well, their "Top Story" is "Storm Watch", and they are talking of the same storm, but only about WHEN IT HITS ONTARIO. I am not making this up. It's all "on Monday, Northern Ontario will get wind and rain, and then......" and I am thinking "excuse me, but WE are getting a foot of snow in parts of the prairie (WInnipeg will get it especially bad) but no mention of that. Well, fuck you and your Eastern focus. Maybe we SHOULD separate from all y'all.
I might be a little defensive right now because the other night, when Rachel was at the hospital until 2:30, I watched fucking C-PAC waiting for her, and it was some McLean's magazine special about "The West is In: Now What" or something - about the growing west. And it was so condescending. And today in the Dr.'s office, there was an article in McLeans about the West and this dude was refuting western growth, and I just want to punch all those smug Ontarians in the nose, since they think they are the center of the universe. I was ready to say that the four western provinces and the territories should just tell the East to take the Queen and fuck themselves. Sorry, I am especially cantakerous this week.

-- On a totally different note, I completely feel for Elizabeth Edwards. Note to politicians - if you let your dick lead you around, get that shit clipped first.

-- And I will leave you with that. I hope all y'all have a good weekend, and I'll blab at y'all later.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

A Whole lotta nothin', 4 u.

-- Well, there was an article on Joni in the Vancouver Sun, where she is interviewed about the Ballet and during the interview, she mentions this disease or syndrome she has where she states she is very ill and is fighting for her life. Morgellons it's called. She might not even be well enough to attend the Vancouver opening or the Olympic bullshit. So of course, the Joni peeps are freaking out. I mean, FREAKING out. And while I am concerned too, and my ipod freakishly played a trillion Joni songs on shuffle today, I just don't know. This syndrome seems to be poo-pooed as something valid by the medical establishment, and I am wondering if it's post polio or shingles or something, but you know, leave it to Joan to get something odd. She did look fragile last year when we saw her. But everyone is acting like she's almost dead. I just refuse to believe it. Maybe it's denial. But I do want to say to her to QUIT THE FUCKING SMOKING. Like seriously.

I don't have a whole lot to say. I think I perhaps removed the spyware and virus off the computer! Well, there is still something weird with the desktop and it's sort of slower, but it's working. So that's progress.

I thought I had so much to say, but now that I sit here, I can't really think of anything. I ate something that is bugging my gut. It feels like I swallowed glass and it's slowly working through 45 feet of intestine at the moment.

So I tuned into the AT40: The 80s replay, like I do faithfully every weekend, and it was probably the best one ever. I seriously remember listening to it the first time it aired, 25 years ago this week. I remember because my sister and i were listening together and Stevie's "Nightbird" and VH's "Jump" both debuted in the top 40, at 35 and 34, and we made a 2 dollar bet which one would chart higher. Of course, I lost that one. But anyway, my wife thinks my AT40 obsession is just the weirdest thing ever, but whatever - it's cheaper than Bingo. I will listen again tomorrow on this Peterborough station at 11 or 12.

Holy, I have sweet tweet to say. I thought I had so much to report. I am watching some strange TimeLife special on some weird old music, and they just had the Singing Nun. Like, how did she get permission to sing like that? Usually Mother Superior would rap them on the knuckles and tell them to submit. How did she get to sing?

Oh, they just showed a clip of Elvis and Priscilla's wedding, and I am sorry, but she was what, 14 when they met? ummm... that's just perverted and gross. And look at her now - her face all distorted and gross like Michael Jackson's. Did you know he wouldn't hump her after she had the baby? It's true.

Oh, did I tell you about the dentist fiasco the other day? Well, it wasn't a fiasco, but it was a waste of pills. I thought I was going for a cleaning and impressions and some work on an abandoned root canal - the last one to finish. So, I pill up at noon - take two - get there, and they kick in actually, and I am all ready, and the hygenist goes "just a cleaning - we discovered we have your top impressions - we will do bottom ones next time (why, I don't know) and then we'll work on that tooth and file it down and order the crown (or something - I was sort of high at the time)". And so she starts cleaning and in a second it's over and she's all "that was great, I just got rid of a stain on the bottom" and it was done in like 10 minutes. And I wanted to yell "I only have very few ativan, and I just wasted TWO!" So then I had to go back to work and of course I had to perform duties that usually are easy, but took me twice as long because I was a little loopy. It wasn't like that time I was lurching all over Safeway with my Starbucks, but I was just tired. So of course, I think since I got through this easy, I wanted to finish the whole thing while success was so fresh in the mind, but my dentist is off golfing in the Carolina's for the month of Feb., so I can't get this done until March. And I wanted to bleach again, but they had no bleach and THEN they go "your trays probably won't fit since you had two crowns since then" so it will cost 250 bucks to get new ones. FUCK ME. I dunno, maybe yellow teeth are my destiny. I have no plaque, but I drink so much coffee and tea, I look like I'm fucking BRITISH or something.

I am jonesing to hear "Baby Jane" by Rod Stewart right now. Am I the only one who likes that song?

OMG, this TimeLife shit is so fucked up - it's like Bobby Vinton and Dionne Warwick and all this weird ass shit. Ok, I have a confession to make - do you know what song always chokes me up? "Moon River". I know, I know..... but it is what it is.

Anyway, did I tell you I am a member of the Carole King fan club? I probably didn't because what almost 40 year old belongs to a fan club. Anyway, she's touring with JT!!!!! This summer - it's a Troubadour reunion thing. I could get pre-sale tickets, but the closest place is St. Paul, Mn. That concert would be a wet dream, but sadly, I'm not at the point to leave my kids for a weekend. We'd miss them so much. I just don't get these people who take off to Mexico or Vegas or whatever when their kids are young. I think it's selfish and indulgent. Sorry, but I do. We'll have plenty of time for travel without them when they are older.

OMG, this collection has "Wichita Lineman" (I spelled that wrong). I love that song. My mom used to have a Glen Campbell record.

Hey, what's the deal with Little Richard? Is he trying to be some sort of transvestite or something? I don't get the whole looking like LaToya Jackson thing. Richard are you queer?

I need to change the channel or I am going to order this shit.

I ate a piece of watermelon an hour or two ago, and I am burping at the rate of 45 rpms..... I love watermelon and cucumbers, and I burp them up for hours after. But you know, it's worth it.

OMG, they just showed Bobby Vinton - holy, he looks like Frankenstein.

Well, I still have nothing to say. I thought if I started typing, I'd come up with something wonderful to say, but instead I feel old and rode hard and put to bed wet, just like Jay Leno.

Like seriously, WHY would you go back to the Tonight Show? Seriously Jay - it's like having your mommy go "You better be nice to my JayJay, or I'll kick your ass". And Conan - take your 30 million and go home. Start writing for the Simpsons again and make it relevant again.

Ok, so my wife watches "The Bachelor" and while I think it's disgusting, it was interesting the other night when this total bitch, who got the fucking rose early or something suddenly gets summoned and booted off because she's blowing a producer. Well, it was funny because she was a nasty bitch, but seriously, this dude is off kissing and humping 50 women at once, so why can't she scratch HER itch in like he is? It's discrimination. I demand MS Magazine to get that, posthaste. It's startling what tv has become, hey?

Anyway, that's enough of this bs. I'll catch ya on the flipside.

Friday, January 15, 2010

On Pineapple Juice, Mormons, and Haiti: Or, What Happened to Connie Chung to make her stay married to Maury?

-- I don't get something - what is the deal with pineapple juice? I just went to pour myself some, and realized yet again that when the carton is full and unopened, the "shake well" warning means nothing - it might as well say "bend over and shove your tongue up your ass until you taste liver" because it's something you just can't do. Seriously, the carton is always so full that nothing will "shake" and you go to pour it, and it's clear like urine, instead of cloudy and juicy. So then that means that the next person who shakes and pours will get a double dose of the pineapple. Why don't they put pineapple juice in 1.5 litre cartons, and just put a litre of juice in? That way, it may there will be room for the juice to move. So now I am drinking pineapple flavored water, really. It's making the fattening wine in my fridge sound all the more tempting. And believe me, with the past few weeks I've had, fattening wine really should be on the menu.

-- First, you know how horrible it ALWAYS is for me to get back into work after Xmas. I bitch about it every year. However, it was so NICE to have downtime for one in my life. Seriously, we NEVER, EVER just BE like we did this year. I didn't get changed out of my Xmas sleep pants for days, I grew a beard, I read books, I played Mario, I watched tv. I didn't spend much time cleaning or planning or doing constructive stuff. So after getting a taste of the life, it was a pain to go back to real life. And work is always horrid this time of year. And so I was running ragged, and I still feel like I can't keep up and in some cases I don't know what the hell I am doing, and so that's been crazy. THEN, daughter #2 has been having the same school anxiety that daughter one had in the same grade, and it began at the same time as her's did. So each morning, it's tears to get her to school. She's fine once she gets in the door, but getting there is, well... hell. So that's been tough. However, we kept thinking that if she found some real friends in her grade 1 class, she'd feel better, so this little boy in her class moved in 2 doors down. It's exciting, because we don't have that many kids on our street. SO we said to her "one day, we'll have him over" and then said "if we clean the playroom this week, you can ask him over" and then last night they cleaned the playroom and today she said "can we have him over?" so I said "go see if he wants to come" and he came over and they had their little play date and he said when he walked in "I'm sorta nervous!" and by the end he said "you're my best friend!" And as soon as I saw them walking to our house, I got so excited I went and baked 6 dozen cookies so they could have a good snack. LOL, I'm such a softie.

On top of all of that, my MIL finally got out of the hospital on New Year's Eve, and wasn't getting any better and Rachel was so stressed and she finally went back in the other night and last night had semi-emergency surgery and NOW she's recovering, but it was a MONTH today she had surgery originally which they sent her home after 6 hours. I can't believe it. Anyway, it's been a week of stress and worry and tears for my wife, and the kids have picked up on it, and so it's just been tough. And the original crackpot surgeon she had that fucked her up used to be a WOMAN! We almost fell over, but he's a voluptuous fellow, so it all makes sense why he's all curves and ass. But fuck, she/he is a dickhead.

And one of the kids got a virus on our computer - it looks like the same virus that we had to wipe out our other one because of (holy poor grammar in that sentence). So, I tried to be He-man tonight and tried to fix it, and at one point I thought I may have, and it's sort of fixed in a way, but it's still there - but the computer seems to be working (I'm on the laptop). I just don't want to lose my picture or my itunes. No, I back nothing up. I'm a loser. But this thing is serious.

I feel like a scmuck even complaining because I look at Haiti and I can't comprehend. You know, I go on and on about being orphaned at 38 and about poor me having trouble dealing with it, and all this other shit, and look at Haiti. And then I think "so why am I where i am? Shouldn't I be doing something to make a difference in the world?" I just don't know. It just boggles the mind about what's happening there.

What else..... hmmmm. I gotta tell you, I wish they would have hired Victoria Beckham instead of Ellen on Idol - I really, really liked that Spice Girl. I don't know if she was Sporty or Posh or Dirty or Dopey or Sneezy, but I like her on Idol. Mary J Blige though? Yet again, wtf is so great about her? I don't get it. And that fucking arm tattoo makes her look like some kind of woman convict. And I am sad to say, but I don't even realize Paula isn't there.

OH! And remember 4.5 years ago, when I got my new job? Well, it is FINALLY PERMANENT! It's been term since 2005, and they finally made it permanent, and I signed the letter and sent it back yesterday. So there is good news in 2010.

I had a nice visit with the Mormons last Saturday. I am scared they are coming back soon. You see, they came one day and Rachel said she didn't have time to talk. So last Saturday, I saw them across the street and said "there's some Mormons" and she was all "I didn't do my hair, you get it" and sure enough, they came to the door. So we got to talking and I asked them about their mission and how they ended up here and where they were from and of course, since I loved Utah so much, I wanted to talk about that, so we had a nice visit and then I asked how many Mormons there were here in Stinktown because they were sort of shocked about how indifferent people here were to religion and I talked about my own Catholic and Pentecostal experiences and they want to come back and show us some book and they will just pop in sometime, I know it, but I can't be rude to Mormons like I can to Jehovahs because they are here to serve. They were like "we're on a mission and do you have anything you want us to do?" and if I had leaves to rake, I would have got them out there, so I told them my neighbor had a stroke so if it snowed ever to shovel his walk and then we talked about a coworker of mine who is a Mormon. I FORGOT TO TELL YOU!!!! I found out right before Xmas my neighbor and coworker, let's call her Beatrice, is a MORMON. AND I'VE TALKED ABOUT MORMONS IN FRONT OF HER MANY TIMES! I JOKED ABOUT HER BEING A MORMON TO HER FACE! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!
Beatrice is really nice and always go to our staff room at the same time I do. Well, she doesn't drink coffee. And doesn't drink Coke. And one day I said "Gee Bea, when'd you become a Mormon!" and we had this awkward laugh and I thought "she can't be one.... right?" WELL, SHE FUCKING IS......... So, I ask the Mormons about her, saying "Bea down the road is one, but I don't know how active she is" thinking maybe she isn't really into it, and Elder Whatever goes "Oh, Bea, she's REALLY active. Sweet woman!" and I throw up a little in my mouth because I feel so horrible for making the Mormon joke and for talking about all the Mormons in Utah, and whatever, and for saying my big line "THOSE MORMONS ARE ONTO SOMETHING BECAUSE UTAH IS PARADISE!" It could only happen to me.

-- Anyway, I am sure I'll see the Mormons again this weekend because I couldn't just say "don't come back." And then Rachel had me panicked because the entire time I was talking to them, I am standing in the doorway, wearing my slovenly Xmas sleep pants THAT HAVE NO FUCKING BUTTON IN THEM and she said "you were probably hanging out the entire time" and so now God only knows... if that was the case.... oh man, I can't even think about it.

-- Oh, and OK, but Leno - obviously, you shoudl retire. You have 400 TRILLION DOLLARS. GO HOME AND FUCK MAVIS ON A MOTORCYCLE. Nobody is crying to have you on TV. Conan, well, I like Conan, but he's an aquired taste. But you gave him the gig fair and square, and it ain't like you are in the typing pool union and have to bump him because of seniority rights. YOU ARE LOADED. GO HOME. I think Letterman and Kimmel rule late night anyway.
OH, Conan had Rosanne Cash on the other night! It was FUCKING HEAVEN! Rachel got all mad at me because she was stressed and doing some stuff for work, so I taped it and then rewound the performance 5 times until she yelled "for fuck's sake, we've heard that shit 4 times!" But man, it was an AWESOME performance. Rosanne Cash really is the best thing since Joni. The more I think of it, the more my dream evening would be to have dinner with Rosanne and her husband John Levanthal. But yeah, that ain't gonna happen.

And that is my sad existence. I guess I should get to bed and read or something. I just wanted to say I am still here and tell you about the month of January. If all y'all can't sleep, you should google Belinda Metz's "Take me as I am" - I saw that video the other day and completely forgot about it. And then tonight I saw Luba's "Innocent (With and Explanation)" and rewound it 4 times. I love Luba too, although she ain't no Rosanne Cash.

Anyway, have a good weekend all y'all. I'll try to post tomorrow - I really want to write a review of the Giffels book, because it's so damn good.

Peace out.