the weight (no, not the Band/Laura Nyro song)

Wow, nice comments today - I feel like the Pope or Oprah or something. Because as we all know, if Oprah ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. What did that last line mean? I have no idea - I just like to say it, because she's always saying "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". Oh well, anyway, I'm rambling on. Hey, if you do start the Alberta fan club, I am available for parades and ribbon cuttings.... LOLLLL oh, I am tired....
So nothing new to report on. Just finished Fat Actress - watched two episodes tonight. Man, I love that show. Also watched the two Simpsons episodes, and one of them was Bart getting fat, so I thought it must be fate that I finally talk about weight. The other day, one of Margo's friends posted something on her blog about weight, and it sort of bugged me and I'll explain why in a minute - let me get their first.
Ok, so I'm fat. I've always sort of been up and down in my adult years. Well hell, I thought I was a butterball as a kid, but when I look at pictures, I see I really wasn't. I've always been bigger, or husky or something, and always thought I was big, but I really wasn't - I just had a penchant for tight clothes. But then in my early 20's, I got really fucking fat. It just came on like crazy, and I can't even look at pictures of myself from then. I went on a diet or two, and lost the weight one summer, and gained it back and more that fall. Then, when Oprah was doing all that touchy feely Bob Greene bullshit in 97, I coincidentally started another diet, and ended up losing 50 lbs. So of course I tapped into the whole Oprah thing and was this big Bob Greene disiple, and was even journaling my eating and was all "you gotta get to the root of your emotions" and it was just sickening. And I kept the weight off for 3 years. Then, the same old pattern... gained 50, lost 30, gained it back, lost 30 the next year, and here I am. I can lose the weight easy - I can drop 30 lbs in 2 months... it's just sticking to it after that 2 months. I am gearing up for another diet now, but it's hard to get into it. So anyway, Margo was wondering why I was all huffy when her friend was all "you gotta do the Oprah thing and find out why you eat" and blah blah blah, and that's why - I've been there, and it annoys me to know in the back of my mind that I eat because I am happy, sad, mad, glad, bored, tired, and hyper.
Then, her friend posted about how fat women should be proud to go swimming and not ashamed to be in a bathing suit and it's more embarrassing to be sitting there eating a Big Mac than it is to be exercising. Well, yes, I agree with that, and think it holds true for men too, and it is common sense, but I still had a shock. This all boils down to that startling moment when you realize that you are indeed fat. It happened before Christmas. I was starting another diet, and I was out of town on business. It was around supper time, and I was so tempted to just go strap on the feedbag at some restaurant, so I thought "fuck it, I am going swimming". So, I called around, found the Y had lane swimming, and away I went. Now, I was not the slightest bit embarrassed about my shape, and I am always pretty damn good about thigs like that. So I am swimming and feeling damn good that I resisted food, and while I can't swim that well, I managed to do ok. So then I am done swimming, and I get out and am I in the change room and I see there is a steam room, so in I go, and just feel so relaxed and good, and then I get out and right outside the stream room is a row of sinks with mirrors. Well, I glance up and all I see in the mirrors is my big ole naked self reflected in the mirrors, hilighted by this big fucking stomach and I am all "wtf is that" and then it sinks in - that's me. So, needless to say, I fucking ran to get the hell out of there. Up until then, I never realized that the little me that I used to know was just so damn big.
So that is also why Margo's friend's post rankled me.
Ok, but there are a couple of funny fat incidences that make me laugh when I think of them. First, there was the time that I went to the Big and Tall store, and just couldn't do it. The guy asked if I was xmas shopping, so I invented this fat brother. I said he needed a sweater for Christmas and he was my size, maybe a little bigger, and then acted like I wasn't sure of my selection and asked for a gift box and gift receipt and asked when they took returns. So that was a good one.
Then there was the time that I was ordering food at the drive thru and ordered an extra drink so it looked like the food was for two, or the time I ordered from room service the entree plus the meal sized salad, and closed the bathroom door when the dude knocked to bring the food and pretended there was two of us in the room....
Now, to pull a Roseanne Cash, I am going to recommend a book - Good in Bed, by Jennifer Weiner. It's about this woman who's fat, and her ex boyfriend writes this magazine column called "loving a larger woman" and it is just so funny - I emailed her and told her how much I loved it, and she actually emailed me back. So please, go read this book, because it's hillarious.
Ok, so that's all I have to say about weight, and I won't mention it again. Time for bed. Gotta go get ready, and eat a tube of toothpaste - just kidding!
Have a great day everyone.
xo
JT