Monday, July 07, 2008

what ever happened to carob, and other mindless questions from the tea collector

You know what the hell I hate? I hate the creepy ad I see on facebook lately. Whenever I log onto the frigging thing, as I am trying to avoid the oh so annoying messages of "forward this on and see who is searching you" or "here's a video of a cat singing!" or "if you are ever held hostage by robbers and they force you to take money out of the atm, enter your pin backward and it will alert police", my eye catches the spot that formerly told me, ad nauseum, that the Cure and Heart were each touring Canada, but now shows a picture of these abs and bitch tits of steel and the heading "38 and overweight". I am guessing it is some ad for some weight loss shit so that I magically can get this 6 pack and firm bitch tits by taking it. Now, I know it's an ad, but how do they know I am 38 and how do they know I am fat? I am reaaaaly sensitive to fatness right now. Like, extremely. In fact, I am extremely sensitive to everything lately. LOLOL, oh if I could only have had time to blog recently, it would have seemed like I was Sybil... or Cybil Sheppard.... I don't know which one would be worse, quite frankly. But anyway, it's been ultra hectic at work, and there are things around the house that need doing that we haven't been able to finish so that has been frustrating and my parents are getting older and frailer and blah blah blah, but anyway, last week, I had a few hideously cranky hours. And then you know how when people piss you off and you never call them on it, because it isn't worth it, but when you are at the end of your rope, well, you are ready to punch them in the uvula and then bash your fist up their sinuses from there? Well, that's what it was like. You see, my long story short is that my dad is getting more and more senile and it is what it is - you can't do anything for it, so you roll with it. And then talking to my mother, Cleopatra, one day, and she actually acknowledged how horrible it was for her (which the queen of denial would never do, so it really freaked me out) and then running into my dad's best friend one day and comparing notes, and THEN having the fucking receptionist of my dentist's office ask about him (because coinkydinkily we go to the same dentist), and having to fucking TALK to people about it (which I just don't want to do, so shut the hell up Chunks, because that's not how I roll in this situation, yet) - well, all of this happened in a matter of days. So as I am processing all of this, because it's just horrifying to go through, as much as I try to avoid it, and on top of that having hideous nightmares about my parents and all this shit that week, someone in my life who I am related to, who loves to push my buttons, and who knows that my dad ain't gonna get any better, made a point of asking "well, how IS your dad, anyway?" when he knows damn well what he's like, and then is all "it must take it's toll on your mom" which is again not rocket science to figure out, and then has to go into this big long story about some old bitch who I don't know, who is the mother of these dysfunctional to the max people that I know of, and how she has the senility now and how last time they saw her she was repeating this and whatever and I am sitting there thinking "and is this supposed to make me feel better? No. So why are you asking all of this and sharing all of this? Oh, to get under my skin. Right." Well, being the arsehole that I am, I wanted to blurt out "how's your dad's alcoholism coming along, that your family never acknowledges?" But of course I didn't because that would be mean and hurtful, and maybe he really didn't mean to be like that, but I don't know.... But anyway, that was the icing on the cake that day and if I had time to blog it would have been quite the scene.
Anyway, back to the fatness. I am eating like a certain search and rescue leader from 'the Pass, and need to get back in control, but fuck me Dorothy, I think it's just that life has been so hectic and that's how I roll. So I need to get it together again. I mean, I'm not like Jared from Subway or anything. I'm not washing myself with a rag on a stick. But i haven't jogged for like 2 months, so tomorrow I am back at it. If I am coherent (more on that in a minute).
And then I have been having these little pity parties about all sorts of things, but you know, I realized how good I have it, so I won't bore you with the particulars and the Oprah moment that made it all better. But anyway, it's been a nutty few weeks.
Ok, and tell me, back to the facebook thing about typing your PIN in backwards to alert the cops.... Hello, but if you have ever tried to call the cops in this town for anything that falls slightly under murder, well, you ain't gonna be seeing Tim Horton's clear out at all. Like Chunks, if you called the cops here like your neighbor did in GP, and said "there's an Indian on my trampoline", they'd say "We've got 50 calls of Indians on trampolines, what do you want me to do about it?" (If you people don't remember that situation, rest assured I am not being racist - it's a true call quoted verbatim to Chunks from her neighbor at 4:00 am. one Grande Prairie morning). SO, if I enter my PIN in backwards, I dont think the Fuzz will be flocking to the ATM to save me. And you know, if someone wants the 72 cents I have in the bank, have fucking at'er, Ponyboy, because you couldn't buy a fucking pencil with that. So the jokes on you.
Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist for the completion of my second crown. WHOOOO HOOOOO. This is the one I had my first root canal on. I've been wearing the temporary crown for 8 years. I am actually following through. One more to finish and this bitch will be smiling like the fucking Mona Lisa. Wait... that bitch ain't smiling. hmmm.... well, how about Vanna White? That bitch smiles through everything. Even the coffee enemas her ex husband used to force on her - that's how he got his freak on. Don't ask me how I know that. I am full of useless information.
Speaking of ugly smiles and fake celeb teeth, I gotta say I quite like the fact that Madonna's smile is still sort of real looking. Like, her teeth are what they are, you know? It's refreshing. So anyway, I'll be all pilled up for the appointment, so maybe running is out tomorrow.
And speaking of teeth, does anyone remember 'Just Like Mom', this hideous Canadian game show for kids from the early 80s? It was hosted by this married couple and he was creepy and part of the show was the kids made this gross recipe and the moms had to taste it? Anyway, the host's wife was someone I thought was hot when I was like 12. So the reruns are on some Gametv or some such channel, and we watched one today and I said to the Mrs that I thought she was hot when I was a kid. Then the bitch opened her mouth, and help me sweet Jesus, her teeth looked like fucking sugar cane, or corn on the cob, or like those before shots of dentures from a smoker before they are soaked in the magic that is polident. Fuck me up the arse with a chainsaw, those were some fucking hideously ugly chompers on that one. Only in fucking Canada....
Tonight we watched "The Facts of Life Go to Paris". We have this PIX on demand channel, and it's full of made for tv movies from the 80s. Tomorrow I hope to catch "The Facts of Life Down Under".
LOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL..... I just googled "what ever happened to the hosts of just like mom" and it brought up "what ever happened to carob?" and the little summary thing said "I think that so many people just didn't like the taste of it." LOLOLOL no shit Sherlock.
When I was a weee laddie, I used to frequent this healthfood store back in my old hometown, run by this sort of sleazy looking woman. It was called Grass Roots. They sold the usual selection of vitamins, minerals, herbs, Celestial Seasonings teas, and licorice roots. We would always buy carob chips, banana chips, licorice roots, which were fucking STICKS that you'd suck on and then gag because you'd realize you were eating a fucking TREE, and I'd also pick up Celestial Seasonings Mandrin Spice tea or Red Zinger. You see, I used to collect tea as a child. I am not making this up. I share too much, don't I? Oh, I admit it, I was freak ok? I was a wannabe hippy at nine. And I had a tea collection. And I am man enough to admit it. So goonie fucking goo goo, bitch, as Eddie Murphy so eloquently put it. But anyway, Grass Roots... good times. We'd stop there on Saturdays after the movies while we killed 2 hours waiting for our ride home from Susan's mom (she worked until 6, and it was torture to sit for 2 hours in the beauty parlour she owned waiting for her to be done). So we'd hit the health food store. And the used book store (we sneak the dirty magazines). And the hobby store where I would buy stamps because I wanted to collect them, but just didn't understand the point or what was a good stamp, or why anyone would like them.... didn't stop me from buying them, but fuck if I know what for because they'd sit in a drawer, loose.
Another random thing of note - did you know that Cheerios used to be called Cheerioats? I ain't shitting you. Tell someone you love. Another random fact I found on the internet.
Ok, I guess I'll wrap this randomness up for the evening. Go eat some carob and think of me.