Monday, November 24, 2008

fucking kate bush knows how to drag you down

Well I finally had to do it - I've avoided listening to this song for the past 3 months, but tonight I just couldn't keep the sadness down and had to listen to this. When my mom was dying, this song went through my head over and over until I thought I was going to scream. Tonight I finally got the balls to listen to it, cried hard, and as horrible as it was, it's theraputic. Watch it if you want to bum yourself out.

Monday, November 03, 2008

40 things about Chunks

Well, in honour of our dear Chunks turning 40 today, I couldn't let the day pass without doing my yearly tribute to her. Although I am pressed for time, I'll try and do this justice. If you don't know what something refers to, by all means, ask her, and you'll get quite the story!
So, besides being 40 herself, here are other reasons why the number 40 is so significant to her:

40 - the number of bowel movements Chunks had this year.
40 - is also the number of periods she has this year.
40 - the number of PMS weeks she's had this year - happy period my ass, Always people! (Remember, at 40, she's dropping ova the size of ostrich eggs).
40 - the number of lbs. gained in the face of a certain search and rescue hero from 'the Pass.
40 - the number of times she had relations with Derwood this year (which is actually pretty amazing considering that she has about 12 un-menstrating days.....
40 - number of time she had naughty thoughts about John Mayer in the Borat swimsuit.
40 - number of time she retched watching Derwood actually running through the house in the Borat swimsut.
40 - the number of times she peed whilst on the phone with Devo and tried to hide it by layering the bowl with lots of paper first and then doing a weird swirling dance on the seat to hit the sides of the bowl.
40 - the number of times she ended up peeing on the floor like a geriatric patient whist talking to Dev on the phone.
40 - the number of times Dev knew she was peeing whilst talking to her.
40 - the number of times Dev was doing the same thing.
40 - the number of sandwiches made and thrown out, all in the name of teenage love.
40 - the number cats living in Kay's ex-boyfriend's double-wide.
40 - the number of times she exclaimed she hated Stinky this year.
40 - the number of times I had to reread the words "I hope Em and Stinkster get back together"
40 - dollars, the probable fine for defacing property of a National Park (remember, I have pictures).
40 - number of imaginary ativan taken during the "shitfield relocation" of '08.
40 - the number of times I warned people to under no circumstances eat her gooseberry jam until the lab tests from the shitfield relocation proved her land wasn't teeming with e-coli.
40 - number of dollars spent this year secretly tipping servers who waited on tight-assed Murphy.
40 - number of times this year she's been to Field's to listen to Stellar's voice.
40 - number of emails sent to JT and Margo on any given day.
40 - number of times she says fuck before noon.
40 - number of blood vessels popped in her eye from excess straining during the constipation of Oct. 08 (see #1)
40 - number of ribs she counts on the Tanorexic's body each holiday meal.
40 - the number of suspicious moles on the Tanorexic's arse.
40 - the number of teeth in Horseface's mouth.
40 - glasses of wine before she can talk to her mother.
40 - demonic looing angels made for Xmas this year.
40 - texts a day sent to her daughter "in the city"
40 - Baker's Boys cinnamon twists eaten this week, likely bunging her up in the first place.
40 - elementary school friends on her Facebook.
40 - imaginary illnesses she's been afraid she has had this year, from sickle cell anemia to the diabetes.
40 - the number of times she cooled her tits by the air conditioner in the truck.
40 - number of time she has had to explain the name of her muslim cat.
40 - the number times she's written imaginary hate mail to Julie "there is a stick up my ass that's holding my bobble-head in place" Chen.

This is two or three under 40, but at her age, she'll never know anyway....
Hope you had a great day Chunkserooni - don't say I didn't give ya anything!