PLUCK ME, PLUCK ME! PLUCK ME REAL GOOD

This has to be short, because I have to pee like a fucking racehorse. Why don't I get up and go pee and then come back and blog in a leisurely fashion you ask? Well, that would be too damn easy, wouldn't it? Y'all know I'm complicated, don't ya? Oooh, Shari Belefonte Harper or whatever the hell her name is now is on some menopause commercial. You know when your big time bad self is washed up when you do shit like that, just like when Brenda Vaccaro did those tampon commercials. Remember those, Brenda with that gruff lesbian sounding voice, telling us all how she loves those damn tampons? And by the way, has Shari Belefonte done anything since "Hotel"? Am I the only one who remembers that stupid show? Does it matter?
So Rock Star has me all confused tonight. I have been saying for a while that Dilana was just getting too cocky, and Rachel was echoing my sentiments like some character on "227", amen-ing what I said. So tonight, she's all pissy about Ryan, who is now one of my favorites, and just acts like a damn idiot. Last night, I was all wrapped up into how she said she didn't talk to her mom for years, and I felt all bad for her and wondred why she didn't and if they would make up, and now, tonight's show kinda makes you realize that mama probably can't be blamed. But then my conspiracy theory self started thinking that they are sabotaging her because she is a woman and they really don't want a woman in their band. I mean, I read the Motley Crue book (you ALL have to read it, I mean it, your eyes will pop out and you will grow hair on your chest. Trust me, read it), and I mean, if Dilana being a bitch is the worst she can do, well, she's doing pretty good. And I mean, what is with all these middle aged rockers acting all pollyanna? Bollocks, I say! So I dunno what that was all about - maybe trying to get rid of her as a frontrunner. But I may just be paranoid. But now I like Toby and Ryan. And, I thought old Rocket Rabbit face sucked ass, and I didn't even recognize the song for 2 minutes, and they loved it, so I don't know what the fuck is happening.
So I went and got my haircut at the freaky discount hair white trash place that I blogged about before, yesterday. Uff-da, what a fucking crazy place. This time, boss lady is on the phone the entire time, sort of crying to head office about someone she was firing or something, and this fired woman I guess yelled she had a doctor's note, and they were changing the locks and then she was running around looking to make sure the fired woman took all her stuff, and then some creepy scum suckers come in and she knows them, but she's too shook up to make small talk, and the guy is saying "last time I came here the girl left patches on my head" and his woman yelled "it was like they put a bowl on his head!" so I thought it was kind of funny, and then this woman was all happy, telling the hair cutting lady she "got her rugrats back" which I am sure means foster care, and she's having another one in November, and I feel so sorry for that poor unborn baby. So it was just depressing. But it's cheap and close to work, so I go there......
Had a good laugh today with Sharon but I think you have to know us and know the people we are talking about to think it's funny. For some reason, we know way too much about the sex lives of a few of our old coworkers, don't ask. But this one woman we worked with, who is 50, but doesn't look it, and who is all prim and proper and such, was having lunch with Sharon and someone else, I don't remember who, last year, and I dunno what they were talking about, but this woman, let's call her Faith, was saying how after so many years of marriage, you try everything and Sharon I guess looked puzzled and she said "Oh Sharon, Ringo must suprise you with a feather or something sometimes" and so she told me this and we laughed about it for weeks. So anyway, she was talking about Faith today and I made a joke about the feather and she didn't remember, so I told her the story and said "you should go home and whip out a feather and suprise Ringo!" and she said, without missing a beat, "yeah, I'll shove it in my ass and run around saying "pluck me, pluck me!" It was so funny, but as I said, I think you had to be there and know Faith, who went to Bible school for 4 years and is a girl guide leader.
So tonight I got all weepy reading to the kids. We have this book, "The Kissing Hand", which is about this racoon who is scared to go to school, so his mother kisses his hand and tells him whenever he is scared or lonely to put the hand to his face and remember she loves him, and it will always make him happy, and then when they get there, he gives his mother a kissing hand so she won't miss him. Well, I am fucking bawling, like I always am, when I read that book. I am so a basket case about kindergarten. I don't want to talk about it anymore..... and Kelly is so excited that she has her new backpack and supplies, and even showed our neighbors. oh fuck, I am getting all teared up talking about it, let's just end it here.
Anyway, that's the day that was. I gotta get to bed, it's midnight.
Have a good day y'all.
JT

Had the weirdest dream last night. I was in Shopper's Drug Mart and ran into Sharon's husband Ringo and their son, J.R. Well, J.R. was morphed into this huge, surly teenager, and for some reason we were trying to embarass him, so Ringo and I start talking loud and being stupid. Well, on the shelf was this new product, called something like "soup on a stick". It was like this hi-liter, with a Campbell's label on it, and when you took the cap off, it was this soup stick and you just put it in a cup of water, and voila, instant soup. So, we were making a big deal about it, and got into this heated discussion about if you should make tomato soup with milk or water. It was really stupid. I should sell the idea to Campbell's.
Today I went to another goodbye lunch for someone else I used to work with. I finally feel disconnect from that place. I sort of felt like an intruder, but I can't really say why. It was also a putrid lunch. Absolutely putrid. We had the buffet, and this is what it consisted of: "salad", which was nothing more that romaine lettuce, some cole slaw looking stuff, and this weird pasta salad thing. It also had these chunks of cheddar, but not bite sized - like, they were CHUNKS. Then for food, it was rice, some weird mashed potato thing, this sort of pepper steak thing without peppers (don't ask), and this big pasta thing which was penne noodles, baked with cheese, and this yellow sauce. So, I load up on it because i thought it was safe to eat, and just cheese sauce. Well, turns out it was curry. So Sharon and I are sitting next to Lucy, who is sort of this hippy but sort of a foodie, or so we have always thought since she served us mangoes in rum sauce from her camping cookstove. So I exclaim "oh, curry!" and Sharon goes "yeah, it is, isn't it?" and it's good for like a spoon or two, and then it just gets gross. So when it's dessert time I tell Lucy I will get her some dessert because she didn't have the buffet, and she says she wants chocolate, and all they have is this rice crispy thing covered in chocolate. Oh, and this place we were at is sort of hoity toity, which is really a fucking crock.
So I sit through this lunch and get all pissy, because I am thinking "they didn't make this big a fuss when I left" and "I didn't get that nice of a picture" and all that stupid shit. So then at about 3:30 I am jonesing for something to eat and realize then I hated my lunch so i call Sharon and say "hey, did you think lunch was gross?" and she's all "hell yeah, disgusting!" and then we mimicked ourselves saying "oh, curry!" and I am all "I wanted a piece of cheese, not a brick!" and, well, God love our bitching..... we do it well. And then during the goodbye speech by the person who was leaving, she got all weepy and was just bawling, and so one or two others got all teary looking and Sharon looks at me, and I look at her and she starts tugging at her armpit a bit and mouths "remind me later" and we are both sort of giggly, and just stupid to not be touched by the crying, but instead wanting to laugh. So I ask her later, and she tells me Garfunkel, this annoying piece of work we used to work with, who is pregnant, was scratching and rubbing her pregnant belly during all of this, and crying too, but she was rubbing so low it looked like she was playing with herself, and then I guess Lucy had "headlights" and that was throwing Sharon and the person next to her off. So, yet again, a Seinfeld lunch. But I am really detatching from them, a year later. It's about damn time.
Canadian Idol is so damn terrible. You gotta see if you can watch old performances just to see how creepy this Newfie "boy" is - ugh.
My oldest starts kindergarten next week - i don't want to talk about it, because i'll get all weepy, so don't say anything when i am all freaky next week - i'll have to work it out in my own way. I hate to send my sweet, innocent little sweetie out into that cruel work... sigh... but as i said, i don't want to talk about it.
anyway, i gotta get my arse to bed, because i am so frigging tired this week. i have no energy. i have no energy to even capitalize my sentences on here, which is a bad sign, and something that usually annoys the piss out of me.
Have a good day peeps.
xo

I am just saying hey before sleepytime. It's after midnight and I have nothing to say. Went to the lake yesterday, just got back tonight, watched Big Brother and Curb Your Enthusiasm, and here I am. I am trying to make a Jackson Browne CD at the moment too, but I just don't have the energy. Let me say that the lake was wonderful, but the trees are all yellow leaved. I am not lying, it's pretty much fall out in the country. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
Second, let me comment on Big Brother and say that tonight's episode has me so confused, and was so action packed that I am not going to comment today. It was interesting.
So anyway, I am going to run now and reread another snippet from my book - I am rereading one of my favorites of last year, which I can't remember the name of (it's across the room). I think it's called "Never Forget: An Oral History of 9/11" from people who were in the building, or from cops or firepersons. Well, firemen, as I don't know if there ARE fire women in NY. Anyway, I loved the book. I am rereading it again. Did anyone else read the whatever the hell it was called, the 9/11 Commission book? That was a page turner too. But anyway, I have this weird obsession with the Towers and can't get enough of reading about them. And now that the anniversary is coming around, I'm into it again. I will never, ever forget that day or that fear. I actually could have been in Boston for a free trip the Labour Day weekend, which weirds me out. But anyway.... I remember Margo calling me at my office when all the shit was going down, right after they announced that plane was missing, the one that crashed into the field, and she sounded all freaky and she says "I have no canned food. I have no canned food" because she thought there was going to basically be the end of times that night, and I calmed her down and then thought 'fuck, I've got no canned goods either!" And since Kelly was just like 4 months old that day, it completely made me mental and I remember just bawling on my couch like some nelly little baby, but you know how it is when you think of bringing your kids into all this bullshit in the world.... it was such a horrible feeling.
I remember my sister was the one who woke me up that morning at 8, calling and yelling about the trade center being gone, just gone, a plane in it and it's gone, and I didn't know what in the hell she was talking about so she made me turn on cnn and i just couldn't figure it out. She's always calling when disaster strikes, so I call her Typhoid Mary.
ANyway, I am rambling and I need to get to sleep. Talk tomorrow I hope.
xo
JT

Goodbye Zadyra, we hardly knew ye (or could spell your name)

Just need to get Rockstar Supernova off my chest. I cannot, repeat, cannot believe they got rid of Zaydra. It's absolute bollocks. Bollocks I say. Let me say, she has no chance in hell of winning, but she should still have the chance. She at least made it interesting. Patrice is just gross. It gets on my everlasting nerves to watch her because she can't rock out, and she's gross. So for that greasy little fucker Dave Navarro to say "you have potential with the band", well, that's bollocks. She does not. We all know it. So, that speech was stupid. And then when they asked Dilana to perform with them, it was so awful, because it was just a studio dub, was it not? There was sweet piss all that was live about the performance, or did I mistake that? It made them all look like a bunch of wankers. I am still cheering for her, but she's too cocky. But that performance made the whole band look as cool as fucking pogs. anyone remember pogs?
Anyway, that's all I have to say about that. Just watching the finale for the You Think You Can Dance thing, and they just had Fergie on. Did I ever mention that she just annoys the everloving piss out of me? Really, I don't know why, but she does. She always has. I do admit I secretly know most of the words to "My Humps" and I think that new "London Bridge" solo thing of hers is catchy as all hell, but she just annoys the fuck out of me. I just can't stand her. Just thought it was time to share that and get it off my chest.
You know who also annoyed the everloving hell out of me? Shoshona Longstein - was that her name? The child Seinfeld dated for those years, with the tits the size of watermelons. Is that her name? It was Shoshona, anyway. WTF? I mean, first off, it's gross that this 40-something year old comic dates an 18 year old. It just made him look so sick and gross, like a young version of the Anna Nicole hubby. But then it's even sicker that she was all into the old guy, and that her parents were all for it. I am sorry, but I don't care, if Kelly came home at 18 and said she was dating Tim Allen or something, I'd lock her in a broom closet full of rats. That's just sick. So that whole thing annoyed me.
Finally, let me just say I feel so sickened about this JonBenet thing since I always thought the parents were guilty. Fuck, the mom is barely cold in the ground and they make an arrest. It's so sad. So sad, what the press put them through. I will never condone the sexualization of children like in the pagent crowd, but it was so wrong the way they were treated now that this arrest happened. But I am sure I was on the bandwagon at the time like I always am, forming some loud opinion.
Oh, and let me also say that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is knocked up with Lloyd Eisler's baby, after they met on Skating with the Stars and he left his knocked up wife for Kristy. That annoys me. He'll probably be fucking Tori Spelling next.....
And let me say, I always sort of liked Tori, but after she stole Mary Jo Eustace's man, well, fuck old styrofoam tits. I loved Mary Jo on "What's for Dinner?" That was some classic tv.
Oh, and I went for lunch yesterday with the old work crew, since they had a goodbye lunch for two people who were leaving. Well, it was fun, although this one bitch I can't stand annoyed me all over again, and of course, get me and Sharon and our buddy Lisa together and it's a Seinfeld episode. Case in point, we are sitting there and they are across the table from me at BP's, and "Carole", this older Cree woman was telling me about her trip and said she wanted to show me pictures and then went on to explain how a digital camera works and how you can save pictures to disk, and those two found it hysterical I was stuck in this conversation and how funny it was, so Lisa turns to Sharon to say something so they could laugh and I hear her go "umm.. did I tell you we bought a computer last night? And a fucking printer!" and Sharon looks all puzzled and goes "And a fucking printer"? and it was so funny. But you had to be there.
Anyway, I have nothing to say, so Big Daddy is going to call it a night.
xo, you crazy mofos!

bunch of whing and shit

So this will really be short since I am watching Rock Star Supernova now and then I am watching Big Brother after it. I just wanted to fill you in on the shitty-ass week continuing still. Remember last week, with Kristen not sleeping well, and I was all melancholy about the world ending and such shit? So, Thursday night, Kristen has a terrible night, and I am dragging my ass all Friday. So at 10:30, we decide to go to bed and get a good sleep, because my dad wanted me to meet him at the farmer's market at 7:30 Saturday morning, remember? So we go to bed, and the minute I get in bed, I realize I am so cold, and shivering, and then whammo, I am burning - BURNING - with a fucking fever hotter than Saddam's ass. Well, I shiver all night, then sweat and soak the bed, and then shiver again... And I am up until 2 or so, and then awake every hour. SO at 7 I drag my ass out of bed, and somehow make it to the farmer's market to see my senile father, because supposedly he was so excited to meet down there and then go for coffee. So I am dizzy and lightheaded and don't know how I will form two sentences, but I go. Well then, I make it there and Dad is waiting for me, and then my dad asks what I want, and we go to like 3 stalls, and he's ready to go, and then he LEAVES. No coffee or nothing. I was too tired to care. So all weekend I was fevered and sick and my throat got sore and tonsils swollen, and it was so stupid.
So then as Saturday progresses, Rachel gets all achy and sore, and she still is on Sunday, and then I get achy and my shoulders and neck completely spaz out and I am in intense pain until today with that. AND THEN... I am not sure if I mentioned that Rachel's sister's kids were sick, and supposedly had mono. Well, we are doubtful that they actually did have it. But anyway, their baby broke out with a rash last week, and yesterday, so did Brianne. And then so did my wife.... so we cart ourselves to the doctor and yada yada, they have a virus - we all are viral. But when we are leaving, he says "lemme look at the other two to make sure they are ok" and he checks Kelly's throat, and goes "um, she has strep throat." LOLOL, so let me recap:
I was fevered, chilled, tonsils as big as testicles in my throat, and a horribly painful spastic neck and back.
Rachel was achy and now is going out of her mind with this itchy rash all over her. She will have a long night ahead of her.
Kelly has strep throat.
Kristen is on the mend, but doesn't still isn't sleeping the best.
Brianne is COVERED in a rash, and a little cranky, but not really itchy.

All I have to say is what the fuck..... but it could be worse, so whatever.
So, I don't want to whine, but that's why I haven't been posting. Can't wait for the fucking weekend....
Anyway, I am going to run to watch BB, which I am sure will piss me off to no end. I am so mad at the show.
xo
JT

Relase of melancholy and negativity posted below

I am feeling very melancholy today, so if you are looking for a quick ha-ha, this probably isn't the place to be. Not like I am all depressed or anything, but just blah. I am attributing it to the full moon still. Seriously, believe me, I've worked through enough full moons to know that the public really does go bonkers during the 2 or 3 days around the full moon. Woke up this morning to the whole airport terrorist plot thing, and that is sort of sitting in my craw. While you all know flying is the last stage of my panic disorder that I have to yet overcome, I've never been afraid of crashing or terrorists - just clausterphobia - wait, that's not how you spell it, but I am too lazy for spell check. But now, well, I rightly don't want to overcome that fear, because it's just too scary. But that's not what's really freaking me out - it's just a symptom. I keep thinking so often lately that we are at the end of times. I am really starting to be freaked out by this. Usually when people say that I mock them and say the sky is falling, but you know, it's all just a little too freaky right now. First off, I am ashamed to say I have no clue what the hell is going on in the middle east. I have no idea what in the hell Hezbullah is, or what it means. No fucking clue. I just saw all these Canadians getting the hell out of Lebanon, but up until now, Lebanon in my mind has been a place with concrete buildings that are always blowing up, and that's about it. What Hezbullah is, I don't know. Hells bells, I am ashamed I have no idea why everyone is always on Isreal's ass, or what is going on there. But since so much news is devoted to this war, it makes me really nervous. And, since 9/11, we know that we are not ever really safe. Then there is the talk of the threat of China, and Iran having nukes, and the fucking crazy North Koreans and their nukes, and I mean, they all hate the west. So, all this holy war stuff is freaking me out. And we are causing problems in Iraq and that isn't going to end, and on and on. So all of this terrorism and nukes and all of that, are really getting to me. And then there are the outbreaks, and yes I know, there are always outbreaks of stuff, and look at history and all of that, but you know, Bird Flu could kill way worse than plague and influenza, and then there was SARS, and everything else. It doesn't help that if I could live my life over again, I'd follow a career in medicine, epidemiology, or community health, so I read every book I can get on disease and viruses. But yeah, that scares me, and I keep thinking of the Book of Revelation and plagues. And the global warming and it's consequences remind me of earthquakes and natural disasters and plagues of bugs and all hell breaking loose.
And when I want to get good and freaked out, I always think of this sermon I heard when I was a kid at this pentacostal church I was at, where they talked about the end of times and the mark of the beast, and said that there will be a time where we get this mark tatooed on us, on our hands or heads or something and we would have to have it to survive but it would damn us to hell, and it always was something I snickered at, but then I see people getting computer chips implanted in their wrists so they can just swipe it for keys and money, and it gives me the willies.
So, every once in a while I get pessimestic. Tonight is one of those times. It shall pass, don't worry, it's just the full moon thing and my overreacting to the news. But sometimes I just worry for the planet and for all of us on it. And I ache thinking of how to explain war and violence and hatred to my kids, since they don't really have a concept of that yet. Ahhhh.... parenting ain't easy.....
So that is my bitching for the night. I didn't get much sleep last night because Kristen had a bad night again. She's got a rash on her body so I think she's got the mono her cousin had, because it was the same rash, but everything I've looked up says it's less noticable in young kids, so that's good. Let's hope it's over quickly. She has no fever or swollen glands though, so that's good. I took Kelly to work for a while this afternoon, which was fun. But then tonight I spanked her because she was being horrid, and I feel guilty, because we don't really spank the kids, just rarely, and on paper, I am opposed to spanking, and it seems wrong, but I dunno. It just doesn't sit right with me, the whole spanking thing, so I dunno.
Watched BB tonight and you know, I am not sad Kayser is gone, just mad that Julie threw all this shit at him like James was the world's biggest Mata Hari. I mean, James turned on them because Janelle turned on their plans, but they don't show that, do they? It really annoyed me, and I was ready to fire an angry email or something at them for that manipulation. But again, it's probably just the full moon.
And finally, after watching the news tonight, I feel like I have no right in complaining about the mundane shit I always whine about. I have a roof over my head. Food in my belly. Clean water. A job. So when I whine that shit is stressful and whatever, I look at people in these war-torn places and it just seems so sick that I bitch and moan. And then I saw my dad today and he said we should meet at the market garden on Saturday morning at 7 a.m. and go for coffee - "we've never done that!" and I mean, since he's so old and not well, I thought I can't refuse him, so then I was all bemoaning how unfair it was that my parents are getting frail and shit, and then I was thinking "they are in their fucking 70s - be thankful". And I thought of my friend Lolita, who lost her mother when she was 19 - her mom just turned 46. Then I look at people who lose parents in wars, accidents, etc. I need to just shut the hell up and be thankful. We all do.
Ok, I am off my high horse, and tomorrow is another day. But I just had to get rid of that blahness by venting on here.
OH! A funny story to close with - well, not funny, but eerie for me, anyway. Long story that I won't get into here, but I've been following the blogs of a few people in town that I stumbled upon (long story). I always read this husband and wife, who each blog. They are born again Christians (all of these bloggers are that I found) and younger than me, and while I really don't have anything substantially in common with them, they are interesting to read. Well, they post pics sometimes of them and/or their kids, and a couple weeks ago, we were in the park at this children's festival watching Fred Penner (my kids were as bored as I was, methinks) and I look up, and suddenly who do I see? THE BLOGGERS. I got all excited and wanted to yell "hey you two - I read you!" but I just let them pass. But it was surreal to see them. Maybe I don't get out much..... So that was my excitement for the week.
Oh, and we Killexed our front yard, and that shit is da bomb. It really works! Our lawn was overthrown by dandilions and the evil clover, but already the clover looks dead. Of course, hence the lawn looks dead in patches, but it will fill in. And since it's been the hottest and driest summer in years, lawns all look dead as soon as you cut them anyway, so bully bully for me.
Anyway, I gotta get to bed, in case it's another one of those nights.
Have a great day y'all, thanks for reading my venting, if you made it thus far.
JT

Well, I am just watching Rock Star Supernova right now, so I might as well give my television show update right now. First off, Jill is in the bottom three, and all I have to say is no fucking DUH.... She did this strange performance of "Respect" tonight and it was so awful. She was spinning around like a whirling dervish, but not really, because whirling dervishes are usually graceful and in sync, and while I get a giggle out of them, they have rhythm. Not so our dear little Carmella from Long Island. Oy vey, she was doing this oddball thing flipping her hair all over the place and it was so uncomfortable. So I hope she's gone tonight. Well, I can't stand that bluesy guy in the bottom three either, so whatever. But nothing really impressed me last night. Of course, old Bubble Boy, Lukas, got the encore, and great fuck almighty, he really does look like some sort of freaky rocket boy. I just can't stand him. Tommy Lee, if you are reading this: Dude, you'll never get laid on the road again if you are touring around with old scrunchy-faced Lukas. His exhaust pack will be a turn-off for the chicks. He also looks sort of midgety in some sort of way, I can't quite figure out how.
But you know, who the fuck is Dave Navarro anyway? I said it before: He looks like a Latino Prince wannabe. So that's all I have to say about the whole thing.
Now, for Big Brother - I went to that Dingo's Hamster Watch again, and I need to say that it ruins the whole experience of watching the show, but you know, it's great to watch after the fact. So, I will only go there on Wednesday nights and read up for the week. I also don't like hearing that anything is scripted, so it bugs me to read that. But anyway, in terms of the game, I am cheering for Danielle now, but I fear she will be gone. I hope James is still there tomorrow night. But it got me to thinking, if I was in the house, who would I align with. Now, I wish I could say I would walk in there and be the alpha male and hang out with Jase and Chill Town. But, well, I can't even lie about that. In all honestly, we all know I'd make a beeline for Danielle, because I'd feel most comfortable pairing up with the Black woman. LOL, Margo, isn't that the fucking truth? You know how I glom onto ethnicity and women, so I'd be up her ass like a well-lubed suppository. Ok, that was a gross analogy, but you know what I mean - I'd be kissing her ass for an alliance. So, you'd think I'd be trying to have an alliance with Marcellis since he's Black and a double minority figure being gay and all, but you know, it wouldn't fly. He'd hate me - I can't relate to that bitchy gay attitude he has. I know a couple people like that, and it wouldn't work. Rachel's uncle and his husband have some friends that are the gay-bitchy prototype, and I always feel like the second I step out the room, they'll be rolling their eyes. So for Marci, I'm too fat and awkward to be a friend of his. He'd be all mean and hate me. So, while I'd try, that alliance wouldn't work. I'd probably try to make nice with Janelle, and it would work or it wouldn't - I can't decide. It's always nice to have a "pretty girl" on your side, so I'd use her for leverage. Margo, it's kinda like when we hung out with "Lolita", you know, my grad date. She was slutty and sorta pretty and was good to be seen with, and Janelle would be the same way. Not that I didn't love Lolita for the person she was, but you know what I mean. She coulda been popular again if she wanted to be. So, I'd probably try to befriend her, but I think she'd be a tough one to crack. She'd be a snotty rude bitch at first since I am no Grant Goodeve, but I dunno, I maybe would be able to endear myself to her and then we'd have each other's backs. But I dunno, she could want to knock me off from the get-go. And you know, she isn't pretty when you look at her - she's blonde and has fake tits, and her nose is all weird. I'd befriend George, because he's old and fat and crazy, and I think I'd get along with him in the end. We'd also have kids to talk about. Chilltown would feel like highschool and I'd feel intimidated and not say a word to them. It would be horrible. Erika would be someone I'd befriend. She looks like a horse and all that, and is probably boring as hell, but we'd be friends in there. James would hate me like he hated George. Kaysar would be someone I'd try to befriend, because of the ethnic thing - lol, I'd be all "look how cool I am, I have an Iraqi friend, Mom!" and I'd be screaming "fight the occupation!" and going on like Natalie Maines but he wouldn't probably buy it. Howie would be cool. I'd have also hung out with Nakomis too - she'd probably be the one next to Danielle I would have bonded with, but bitch was sent packing.
SO that's how I'd fit into the house. It was so creepy to see the jack shack on the web. I honestly cannot believe they go into it. Margo, in case you didn't look it up, it's like a blanket box, or something, that they climb into to, well, you know.... visit Hanna and her four sisters, as they say. It was like watching Shields and Yarnell or some such freakish shit as Howie shoved Boogie into the box for his 7 minutes of pleasure. And Howie kept talking about last year's box... I wonder who all uses it? But like Chunks, I do admit that I have always wondered about that and how they went all that time without any activity. The cameras are on the showers and they used to be on the shitters, and you can watch them all night in bed, so I never quite figured out how they made it all that time. But fuck, ain't no motherfucking way would I crawl into a fucking BOX on t.v. to spank the monkey. I am sorry, but I would rather go without and walk around with a fucking pail of slop in front of me all day and pop pills for the ache than have my fucking mother and neighbors and the whole world watch me go into the box with a box of kleenex and a smile. So gross... and like, it's such a cramped space, that you would undoubtedly be laying in someone else's mess... ugh, so frigging sick. Hells bells, I wouldn't be able to wipe my ass with the cameras on me, let alone do anything else. Shit, I have trouble peeing with someone in the room. So, yeah, I wouldn't be able to be on the show.
Well, enough of that stupidity. It was a full moon today. It felt like it. Tomorrow will be gross too probably, but the full moon will be done soon. Usually it takes 2 days for things to get back to normal. So, let me give you an update on Brianne. Dr. phones today and leaves me a msg saying "hey JT, just calling about Brianne's test results (he's a friend so at that point i just thought he was going to say they were fine and called just because it's us). You probably already know about the shigella, but just in case, here is my cell #". Remember, he was on holidays last week and the fucking dr. at emergency is the one who ordered the tests, so she should have called us last week. But anyway, I call him back and tell him, no, we didn't know, and he got mad too because we didn't know and said she had a rare strain of shigella and yada yada and he'd call back after talking to some other doctors, and long and short of it is she got this rare strain from drinking lake water. Frigging unreal. She's fine and is on the drugs as a precaution.
So my nephew has mono and has been in contact with my kids, and now Kristen is all weird, so I am wondering about her. Really tired and sucky. Last night after work, we went to Emma Lake, which is like 25 minutes away, for a swim. Kristen napped on the way there and didn't want to swim because the water was cold. So after that, we drove 10 minutes from there to Christopher Lake, which was warmer, and she ended up swimming a bit but was really sucky and slept on the ride home. Then she woke up calling for me at 12:45 and I went into bed with her. Then she woke up at two crying, and went back to sleep, then woke up at 3 to pee, then at 4 she told me she was hungry, then at 6 she woke up crying to wash her hands because she had a booger on them, then at 6:30 the cat, who was sleeping on us, woke us up because she was coughing up a lung or a fur ball or was choking on something, so I had to chase her away, and that was my night. Let's hope it's a better night.
Kelly was all weird today too, so I am chalking everything up to the full moon. And it is so fucking hot and humid right now, you could grow rice on my fucking body, I shit you not.
So other than being globetrotters by going lake to lake, getting a much delayed perscription for my poor baby, and trying to look for signs of mono in the kids, that's my week.
And I want to say a thank you to Cynthia for pointing out that nobody is making a big deal about Mel Gibson being drunk while driving. I think it's absolutely reprehensible for what he said (and don't ask me why, but I have this strange feeling that my relatives may have indeed been Jews in the old country a couple centuries ago, and then converted - don't ask why I think that), but I want someone to also say look, fuckface could have killed someone, and I want MADD and SADD and hell, even fucking GLADD to speak up and have someone talk about losing their parent or child or spouse to a drunk driver. You know, we used to drive all over the place in the old days no matter how drunk the driver was, and that just makes me shudder now - it's just so senseless. So I want someone to make a stink about that. But I do have a couple funny stories from back in the day about a friend driving while drunk, but I won't tell them.
Ok, off my high horse now.
I better get to bed now. Let's hope the full moon is done doing it's havoc.
Have a great day peeps.
xo
JT

Happy Birthday, Mrs. Margo......

No time to post tonight. I am watching "Let's Scare Jessica to Death" which I haven't seen since I was a kid, and while it isn't scaring me to death, it's creeping me out a little because I don't remember what happens. But I just wanted to say a big happy birthday to Margo Montana, who has a birthday on Sunday. Yup, bitch is 36 now - can you believe it? So, happy birthday, you exquisite beast. I hope you have a great day and a great year. Rochelle, take her out for some extra crispy fries and gravy, topped off with an ice cold Blue (to remind you of the old days). Hell, if you want it to be authentic like the old days, let her crumple the bill up in her purse and pay for a coffee!
We've been friends going on 21 years now. How fucking creepy is that? We've been friends longer that Lindsey Lohan has been on this earth (or, as we like to call it, the good old days!). We were friends when the top ten television shows for that 1985-86 season looked like this:


1.The Cosby Show
2.Family Ties
3.Murder, She Wrote
4.60 MinutesCheers
5.Dallas(tie)
Dynasty(tie)
7.The Golden Girls
8.Miami Vice
9.Who's the Boss?
10.Night Court
Ah, the Cosby Show, which we both loved. I had such a crush on Denise Huxtable, and maybe now Margo will tell us she did too....And Family Ties - we both bawled at the series finale, even with Meridith Baxter Birney's overdramatics on that one, with her "Start Spreadin' the news" speech. Since we were together on Friday nights, we had given up Dallas at this point, and I didn't even know Dynasty was still on then.
Oooh, this movie is fucking creeping me out right now...We've had the Golden Girls discussion on here too many times to mention, but let's just say that we watched Who's the Boss, and I still think Angela looked good in the big glasses and scoop necked turtlenecks, but we both have always agreed that little Jonathan was so obviously gay, even as an annoying 4 year old. Oh man, what an annoying child, and they would try to make him all straight, and it was so painful to watch. And then Night Court, well, that was so frigging stupid, but I liked that Selma chick, the one who died. I am suprised they haven't dragged Marsha whatever her name was, the big black woman who replaced her, to audition for The View.
And back during the same year, in the top ten movies, there are only two that we saw together, so I am not typing out the whole list: Stand by Me, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I remember we even got promo pins of Ferris, and I think we went to it two nights in a row. Stand By Me we loved too, but the puke scene always made us freak out.
So as you can see, a lot has changed since then, but one thing remains the same - even though we are miles apart, she'll always be close to my heart. As Joni Mitchell and Michael McDonald sing in the song "Good Friends", coincidentally from that same year of 1985-86, we are "syncronized like magic, good friends you and me."
Have a good day!
Happy Big Brother watching y'all.
JT

A WHole Bunch of Nothing all Thrown Together

OMG, I just was watching Dingo's Hamster Watch, which is like cheating on Big Brother, and now I know who wins the veto, and who will be put up this week. It was so cool, but i have to stop looking at the site so it won't ruin the experience of watching the show. DO NOT LET ME GO TO THIS SITE AGAIN. PLEASE! I look forward to the 3 nights it's on, so I can't keep looking and ruining it.
Ok, I am so rattled, I can't comment on the show until after Sunday, since I don't want to reveal anything I saw.
So, I just have one thing to comment on and then I have to run - I'll post more tomorrow. Has anyone seen the Coldplay video for "The Hardest Part?" OMG, you have to see it. Please, for me, go to youtube.com and look it up. I swear, we thought we were on drugs or something. We get this channel from Newfoundland, NTV, and for some reason, in the evenings, they play music videos instead of commercials, and they played this one tonight, and it is the stupidest/funniest/most absurd thing ever. It's the band playing on this wharf or something and then these 90 year old acrobat-type couple comes on and does all this creepy acrobat shit with each other, and you are just waiting for this old lady in the body suit to break a hip or something, and the old guy is wearing a body suit that includes a fucking THONG up his old arse, and then it pans every once in a while to this crowd with Felicia Gallant/Linda Dano sitting there all dolled up in 80's hair clapping like a simpleton. We were both like "umm, what IS this" and then we just laughed so hard we couldn't stop. You gotta see it and tell me what you think. The old people reminded me of the commerical that I always see for Polident or something, and it really disturbs me too. This old couple, and by old, I mean older than the Golden Girls, are in bed kissing away passionately, and then the guy excuses himself to go to the john (did I just say "john"? I've never used that term before - I mean the shitter) and anyway, old Rico Sauve is in the bathroom, and the feeling is that he is going in there to slip on a rubber or something discreetly, which completely grosses me out. I dunno, I can't figure out if he is in there freshening up after a passionate night of grinding with Blanche, or if he is just getting ready to get busy with ole Bessie. But I digress. So he's in her shitter and wants to borrow a Polident and she yells something to the effect that she only uses it once a week, and then the old bugger makes this face like he just sucked the living shit out of a lemon and goes "YUCK!" and then of course you are wondering if he's thinking "should I shower since she's not so fresh, in case she gave me 'the dose' (or whatever they would have called it back in the 20's)" or if he's trying to find a way to pretend that he mistook his Sominex for his Viagra so he can make a quick getaway. In any event, the whole commercial creeps me out. And this video, while it isn't creepy, it's just absurd ,and the whole Linda Dano thing is so damn funny. Really, you gotta see it.
We spent the day at the fair again, taking the kids on their yearly share of rides, and I just have this to say: You sure do end up seeing a whole butt-load of ugly people at the fair. Now, I freely admit that I am no Willie Ames - indeed, I will admit that I am not even an Adam Rich. Hell, let's face it, I am nothing but Jason Bateman with an extra 60 lbs. or so. But great fuck almighty, there sure are some ugly people. And I sound so mean, don't I? But I was sitting there, watching them all, and as I was watching this one with the greasiest hair putting her kid on a ride, I came to a realization that since they have kids, people fuck these ugly people. It was just so absurd to think about, because as you know I ain't nothing to look at, so the thought that I have someone who regularly does it with me is absurd in itself, but to think of these freaky people getting it on just blows me out of the stratosphere. So I just kept staring at all the strange people, and noticing how many people weart-shirts with stupid sayings on them, and how fat people here are. Really, I do believe we are the fattest people around, because everyone was big. I felt so comfortable, and indeed, small compared to most. It was a mindblowing day, I'll tell ya.
You do realize I am not as shallow as I sound here - but since I noticed how truly hideous so many people were today, and how fat, well, they must be really bad.
It is pouring down rain here right now, which is nice. It's supposed to be rainy tomorrow so we won't be at the lake most likely. We are probably either going to take the kids to Melfort to the wave pool, or spend the day cleaning up and I may cook up a big old cauldron of borsht. I make the world's best borsht, I really do.
Oh, Cynthia asked what Ukrainian food was - it's things like borst, cabbage rolls, perogies.... mmmmmm, the food of my people.....
So anyway, I don't have anything interesting to say tonight so I will cut it short. I can't give a Big Brother review because I am too rattled from seeing the actual happenings for Sunday's show on this Hamster site, so I can't weigh in until after Sunday.
So anyway, I better get my ass to bed. Hope everyone has a great weekend - for those in Canada, a great LONG weekend - whoo hoo! And KB, check in with one of us, ok?
xo,
JT

Big Brother AllStars, RockStar Supernova and Yoko Ono: These are a few of my favorite things

Let's get to Big Brother All-Stars first: GAME ON, BITCH-FACE!
Ok, you know I love Janelle and wanted her to win. Indeed, she was the houseguest I wanted in there the most. But after tonight, well, game on bitch-face! And you know that I've had this love hate relationship with James. Last season I found him sneaky and whiny but admired how he hung in there. This year, since he is with my girl Danielle, I've liked him a bit (she's my next favorite one) and tonight, I was cheering, because Janelle was such a liar. Like, save the fucking Michael Jackson nosed ALBINO Wil and pimp-ass Boogie who is so frigging ugly Helen Keller wouldn't throw him a bang? HELLO. Wil lies. You all know that's how he won the game last time. Boogie is a gross jerk. We all know that too. But then try to play with them and go against everyone else? I hope James, Danielle, Marcellis, and the other floater unite and kick out everyone. I like Howie though, but he's so, well, dumb, he doesn't stand a chance. Oh, and Kaysar, who is Mr. Master player, SUPPOSEDLY, just remains quiet and then doesn't have the balls to go after Chill town? Can you say PUSSY? If you didn't hear me, let me say it again: PU-UU-SS-Y. I want Julie to get me in the house for 15 minutes so I can tell them all how absolutely retarded they are, and to ensure a deal is made with the floaters. And how does everyone know that they are floaters? Once they get HOH, they will rock the world.
So, my fake titted Janelle - stupid-ass move tonight. You are going home asap and sadly we'll never hear from you again. Oh well, at least we don't have Ivette again this year rambling on about her beautiful girlfriend, who probably kicked her stupid ass to the curb for playing the game for stupid Cappy last season. I actually loved Ivette, but the whole Cappy thing just was so stupid.
Ok, I think I have that off my chest. But honest to God... Wil is still there? Didn't they learn from Survivor allstars when they voted Tina off first thing? No, they didn't. They need to have that slop shoved up their stupid asses like barium and then have xrays taken to see where the fuck their motherfucking GUTS are.
Ok, rant over - sorry for those who don't watch Big Brother.
Then there is Rock Star. Could there be any better talent on the air than that show? It's just so exciting! I have this thing for Dilana and I love her accent. I am an accent man and I especially have this thing for Dutch accents. She would be, I am guessing, South African, because she sounds sort of Dutch but harsher, like South Africans sound. So like, I was enthralled when she was watching Magni's video of his son walking and she said "Is he walking? Oh my God" and the way she said it sounded so cool. I seriously would listen to her talk on a spoken word cd. But I'm weird so what do I know. As for her performance tonight, it was good, but the song didn't do anything because it was just a stupid bar band song. And I do not believe i am saying this, but Zaryda or whatever her name is, the slutty Latino woman, well, she's just so fucking retarded that I look forward to her performances. So I want her around another week. The other chick who reminds me of Donatella Versace or that Gotti chick, you know.... Jill, that it... Jill, well, sucked the big one tonight. It was terrible, and she takes it so personally that she's probably still on the phone to everyone in Long Island, everyone from Amittyvitte to Puggsaggit (I made that last one up) talking about it. The last chick, the young one, well, I just don't care for her and her "HELL YEAHS!" Storm absolutely wowed me tonight again, two weeks in a row. She is like a porno version of Diana Krall on crack. She's just so good, and tonight she was so clear and calm and, well, lovely. Magni was good, but why is he from Iceland and doesn't have an accent? He sounds like your average American Joe Blow. Then there is Bjork who dresses like a swan and throws nickels in the oven and sings in broken English about it. Why is she so broken Englishy and Magni all not? OH, and Lukas. Poor, ugly, asshole Lukas. I was looking forward to whoever was doing "Celebrity Skin" because it really is one of my alltime favorite songs, and as I said, one of my alltime favorite albums. Make all the fun you want, but Courtney got it right with that one, God love that Vicodin popping, vomit smelling blow up doll with the voice of nails on a chalkboard in a blender. So when I saw it was Lukas I was mad, and then, if anyone knows the song, the classic opening line is "OH MAKE ME OVER/I'M ALL I WANT TO BE/A WALKING STUDY/ IN DEMONOLOGY." and then the fucker just takes off. So I am waiting and Lukas totally sings something different so I am all wtf. Then he proceeds to change ALL of the lyrics and nothing makes sense so I am thinking he was trying to be cool, but then he said he choked so he made it all up. I gotta listen again and compare the lyrics. It's a 2 minute song, so how do you screw it up?
So, I want the little electrical pixie to go home. Go back to your planet, magical pixie, back to your planet of camel toads and hopscotch.
Ok, that's my programs discussed in a nutshell.
I picked up a book at Value Village the other night "Remembering John Lennon" or something like that. It's really cool, all of these famous people writing about him. So while I am on a soap box, let me just say this: Yoko Ono is the cat's ass. You rock, Yoko baby! Those people who say Yoko broke up the Beatles just piss me off, because what, is she some sort of sorceress who threw some magic spell on him and got him to give it all up? Let me get this straight - people think a licey-looking, unwashed Japanese conceptual artist has enough power to break up the Beatles? No my friends. Yoko maybe opened his mind, maybe showed him that he had enough of that and inspired him to make some weird music, then some great music, and sit in bed for peace. But she didn't break up the group. And it is so touching he was a stay at home dad while Yoko worked. And you know, Yoko was odd and some of the stuff from then was laughable, but you know what? I really do think she was a genius. And I absolutely love some of her music. Walking on Thin Ice is a fucking classic tune in my book. When people ask which Beatle they'd most like to meet, I would say Yoko all the way. And she still lives in the Dakota, which I have this huge obsession with, which I will post about later (I have a long piece about it that I need to work on that is forthcoming). So, rock on Yoko, I think you are the bomb, girlfriend.
Anyway, it's way past bedtime so I will leave you all now.
As Paul Harvey says, "and that's the REST of the story."
Rock on, Paul Harvey.
xo
JT

It's bedtime, no time to blog, just two minutes to say a few random point form things - I will blog lots later in the week, I promise. Sick kid last week, teething kid this week, and tired as all hell, but taking a day or two later in the week off, so I'll get my writing pants on then.
Anyway:
First, welcome back CC! I wondered what the hell happened you ya! Good to see you still check in here.
Second, Margo, I read you faithfully, but I haven't had time to comment. I don't like commenting at work, and I haven't had time to from home. But I did a few tonight, and will do more later. Same for you Chunks. No time to comment. But I will.
Third, MamaMonster, I am thinking of you, and you can pull through it, and out of it, and you've come so far, so damnit, you will get through this. Keep thinking of Eddie. And by the way, that's a bad name for the kid - call him Ritchie or something. But anyway, you will get through all this, and I am sorry, your post in the depths of your misery, when you see the clown, made me almost piss my tight pants.
Yes, tight pants. I have been eating and gaining weight. I have to stop myself but don't know how. But whatever, I'll deal with the food again soon, I promise. As soon as the chips are all gone in the house.
Forth, Canadian Idol is getting bad, and the creepy gay kid from Newfoundland who is so odd he's interesting to watch creeped us out tonight singing Wind Beneath my Wings. He dyed his hair and it looks like Jann Arden's or something and it's cut all stupid and as Rachel said it best "now he just looks like a lesbian". He's like 17 and so odd... so odd.
Someone is going to do Celebrity Skin on Rock Star tomorrow night. That is one of my favorite songs of all time, and that album is in my top 10 desert island picks. I really do love Hole, so I can't wait.
Tomorrow is also Big Brother, and I will save comments for that until later.
What else - yes, has a sick, sick baby with a bad stomach bug on the weekend, and now she's better but still really grouchy and wants to be held or nurse non-stop and we think she's teething really badly, so life isn't in a manageable state this week. But damn, I don't know what we did before we had kids. Seriously, I want to just keep having them.
Next, Mel Gibson - is it horrible to say I was sort of glad about all of this? I find him awful.
Next, Chunks has this thing for Johnny Depp. She will kill me but, well, dude looks like he always needs a good bath, some sun, a good meal, and the salvation of Jesus. I would add fucking ugly, but she'd never talk to me again. I am sorry Chunks, just razzing you. But let me say if you ladies think he's the cat's ass, there is still hope for me in Hollywood.
Also, next thing is, why does the next View woman have to be Black? It's all Mo'nique and Brandy and these sisters and why? It will make it too forced if they put a fat black woman there like Mo'nique. Rachel saw her guesting this week and said she shot herself in her foot because she was going on about how she married her best friend, and its ok if he cheats, because he was her best friend, and all this stuff and I guess Barbara shook her head like she was crazy. Rachel said "she married her best friend, that is creepy, like if you and Margo got married". LOL, yeah, that would be interesting - I'd cook, she'd build, and that would be about it.
And speaking of Monique, I have an honest-to-goodness question: why is it so big in the Black community to have "De" and "sh'" and such in front of names? I am being serious? Where does it originate? I remember these twins on Jenny Jones or something, where they were looking for the baby daddy's paternity test, and their middle names were Dequintis and Dequantis. What does it mean? De-fucking-quintis, I shit you not. On "A Different World" there was JeLissa too - what IS the de and sh and Le?
And did you ever notice all the kids now named Tenielle? I don't mind it, but it is a last name.
Also, how much thought do you all put into dinner plans? When do you decide what will be for supper? And Chunks, your hubby might have picked a fight when you served pork chops because they are indeed vile.
It's the fair in town right now so we will be taking the kids and forking over billions of dollars, and the one highlight for me is the Ukrainian group in town always have a food booth but I got sick last weekend at the lake after eating Ukrainian food at the restaurant, and so that ruined it for me.
Finally Margo, someone said Lance Bass came out of the closet and he really reminds me of our old friend who we used to call "Poof with the olive green eyes" which was later changed to "poof driving her dead sister's car". Remember her? Lance Bass has olives in his eyes just like her.
nighty night folks