Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Well yeah, nobody else reads this but Chunks anymore but I don't really care, because I love myself and so if nobody else does, then that's their friggin' problem, isn't it? You don't know what you are missing, people out in blogland! I am the walrus, baby!
Anyway, I am spending my evening supervising an exam, but I do not mind. It's a good group of kids and the exam looks so easy and they are completely freaked out by it, so I just want to give them a big hug, pour them a glass of warm milk, and tell them everything will be allright.... LOL, ok, not really, but I wish them well.
What else.... I have no desire to write anything lately. I have a stack of good books, so late evening has been reading time. Maybe it's the winter doldrums that have moved into spring fever, I don't know, but I am too restless to write. And as it is, I can't keep up with my hectic television schedule. I am always days behind on everything. It takes a lot out of a guy.
So anyway, I had almost a week off last week. Monday was a holiday, I took Tues. off and we took the kids to Saskatoon because i had a meeting Wed. morning, so we hit the big kids sale at Old Navy, where we got them decked out in some good duds, and then hit the Children's Place and the Gap and the Body Shop (my kids are starting early!) and then waterslided for a good 4 hours, and then cleaned Costco out and went home. Oh, we hit the bookstore too, where we bought a huge stack of books for the kids and I grabbed a couple too. But back to Costco. You know, I love me some Costco, you know I do, but I get so fucking mad there because of the stupid way they do things. What I am talking about is how they get you hooked on something and then once you are hooked, they pull the rug out and baby has no bottle. For example, for ages they carried the big honkin' bottles of Johnny's Jamaica Mistake salad dressing. Now, in the regular supermarket, a small tiny bottle costs 5 bucks. But at Costco, the huge bottle that must be 4 times as big as the supermarket bottle costs a mere 7 dollars. Well, we've become addicted to it, eating it easily a couple times a week on salad, brushing it on chicken, you name it. But suddenly, WHAMMO, they no longer sell it. Instead, they introduce this Johnny's dill dressing and peddle that shit for a while and I mean, it's ok, but nothing that I would blog about, you know what i mean? But whatever, I figure they are just diversifying. And then they start peddling this Johnny's Jamaica 'Me Hot and Crazy dressing, which is hideous on a salad but is the cat's ass on chicken (if you like spice), and so that's another thing I am addicted to. But lets fast forward a year or so - now there is still no Jamaica Mistake, and no more Hot and Crazy. How frigging stupid is that? They are still peddling that dill ranch shit, and I mean, who cares? Don't get me all hooked on this stuff and then take it away. I mean, at least I can buy the small Jamaica Mistake bottles from Safeway, but the Hot and Crazy is nowhere to be found. SO now what do I do? I feel like some sort of teenaged girl who is waiting for the prom king to call, and he doesn't. Why do you do this to us Costco??
They did the same thing a few years back with these Waffles they used to sell - they were thick and coated in some sort of sweet maple shit, and were so damned good and boom, they don't have them anymore. I live in fear that they will stop carrying Hampton House chicken because that's the main staple of my diet. And then sometimes they have those Talking Rain drinks and sometimes they don't. I also am scared they will stop carrying that blueberry oat something or other cereal that used to be made by Weight Watchers but is called something else now. I mean, why get us to try this stuff if it will go away? It's such a mindgame. I just want to say Ruby, don't take your love to town.
What else..... oh, I came home today and was so pissy when I turned the tv on. Rick Springfield was singing "Love Somebody" on some show and it was so cool to hear that again, but then they zoom in and its all these uppity middle aged ladies clapping away and then they zoom on Oprah, singing and clapping and dancing and you know, nothing annoys me more than seeing her flailing around all pigeon toed and clunky, and pretending she knows the words to songs and acting all goddess like. I was just complaining about her today, in fact, because this woman at work was saying she watched A Raisin in the Sun last night and how absolutely horrible it was, but she wanted to watch it because Oprah said to. So then I went off on my Oprah rant, because I think I shocked her with my "fucking Oprah" comment. I said that the bitch has been dieting for 20 years, and I've bought right into it. I bought the stupid fucking Cooking with Rosie book, which would be fine if I could get my hands on fresh elderberries, organic cous cous, kale juice, authentic saffron, and water ionizer. Otherwise, I can't make half of that shit. Actually, I never wanted to make any of it. It all sounded hideous and the only thing that sounded any good was the sweet potato pie, but again, is there anything different from that and pumpkin pie? I bloody well don't think so!
So, bitch has a cook, but the weight stays on. Then her and Bob get with the program and I follow it and lose weight too, and I follow everything they say and drink so much water my urine has no color for months and I make sure I eat nothing after dinner, not even a grape, just like Queen Oprah tells me to. Then we both get fat again and look at her now - big and ropey and still with the cook and still with Bob and still saying "this is the year we take it off!" and I mean, it's been 20 fucking years Oprah - how much money do I have to give you to get the fucking thing right? You get all pissy when people say you have a cook and a trainer, saying "they aren't the ones stepping on that treadmill" but honey, you can make the time. You don't have kids demanding attention. When I want to get on the treadmill, it's after work, after straightening up, after cooking supper, dishes, playing, bedtime routines, homework, reading to kids, getting kids to sleep, talking to spouse, hopefully taking a shit or something, and THEN maybe getting 30 minutes if I am lucky. On the other hand, there is you. You have fucking DOGS. Throw the fuckers out in the motherfucking yard, and boom, you have no distraction. I can't do that. And I mean, I'd love to have someone come over and say "ok, we are going to run now, you can do it!" That don't happen. And when you are trying to feed a family of picky eaters, it's not like I can just say "tonight we are having 1/3 cup of brown rice, some fresh purple cabbage, and a piece of lean turkey the size of a deck of cards." So you know, the chef makes it a lot easier. So don't give me this song and dance. Anyway, it's been 20 years and you are in the same spot, so you know, I'll go it alone, Ops.
Anyway, that's my rant so I guess I better run - hope y'all have a good evening.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Ah, the Dream Academy... God Love 'Em

Holy moly, it's been a while, hasn't it? Well, as my old coworker Lorie would say, suck my ass, I've been busy. That was her favorite expression. It sort of grows on you after a bit, doesn't it?
Anyway, I have nothing to say, and still don't feel like writing, but I thought I better, or I'd lose the two readers I do have. What HAVE I been doing, you ask? Well, I don't rightly know. You see, I was awol for January, which isn't out of the ordinary, because I always get the... well, not exactly the doldrums, but something like the mini-doldrums in Janaury. I don't know if it's the post Christmas thing, or the frustration of being stuck in cold, dark weather, because January is when it seems to be the darkest and the coldest and the bleakest. Or I don't know if it's SAD and lack of daylight and vitamin D or if it's just because I am tired, but it's a really hard month for me to get through. Always has been. I always have this dread in the back of my mind for January. This year, it wasn't that bad, suprisingly, even though it is the coldest winter in almost 20 years (or at least I think that anyway). But really, I was just tired this year and wanted nothing more than to sleep when I could. And I've been reading again. Lots. I know I mentioned my true crime blitz, with my once every decade reading of Helter Skelter, which takes forever and which scares the bejesus out of me. But I've been reading a whole shitload of everything. It's nice.
I am also dieting again. And don't give me that song and dance about not dieting. Just leave me alone because I feel good. I was getting really big again, and so one day I just hopped on the scale on impulse because I usually avoid it, and said "fuck me dorothy" and then boom, I started exercising again, and I am down about 15 lbs maybe. It's like taking a glass of water out of the ocean, I know, but at this point I can start to tell I've lost some, so it's motivation, and since I over-ate each meal today (we had friends for lunch), I ran for 35 minutes tonight and feel a lot better. Also, we are going to Saskatoon tomorrow and staying overnight so that means I'll be eating junk like fucking Dom Delouise at the buffet table on a Carnival Cruise.
Anyway, it was Family Day today, so we had it off. The kids are off this week for winter break or whatever the hell they call it. I don't really understand why they have the week off, but it coincides with the Winter Festival here. Anyway, I took tomorrow off, and then I have this 2 hour training thing for work on Wed. morning in Saskatoon, and then I took the rest of the week off, and so did the wife, so we are taking the kids tomorrow to the city to shop and swim and such and they are so excited. It's so much fun to do stuff with them. And we deserve a break because we were all sick last week. I started it, with the flu - aches, the shits, cramps.... then the younger two got it. And since daughter #1 was performing in this huge talent show with her dance class from last year on Friday night, we tried to keep her away from all of us, but alas, she got it on Thursday. So it was touch and go getting her on stage, but she made it and of course I was the proud daddy and bawled through her performance again, and we were able to breathe a sigh of relief on Saturday. So, we spent Saturday spring cleaning - it warmed up freakishly to above zero so we opened all the windows and scrubbed every surface in the house and worked for 9 hours straight, and today we cleaned the garage and had friends for lunch and now I am beat, but it's been a good weekend all in all.
Just skimmed blogs tonight because I don't want anyone to reveal BB9 - I finally saw the first two, but am one behind, so I can't read anything until I see it.
What else.... well, I can't think of anything really. I just thought I'd weigh in while I had some energy. I'll try to update later in the week. Anyway, I need to make a new playlist for my MP3 - I am jonesing for Life in a Northern Town and Alive and Kicking right now, so I want to explore the best of 85 (I think it was 85). Of course, I will add The Sweetest Taboo (fuck, if there is a sexier song out there, I won't believe it), and Tender Love by the Force MDs and maybe Oh Sheila, and possibly Smalltown by Mellancamp, and Smalltown Boy by Bronski Beat, and I Can't Wait by Stevie, and Who's Zoomin' Who (Chunks hates that song, but she's just crazy or something), and Listen Like Thieves, and You Spin Me Round, and She Sells Sanctuary, and Jungleboy (what's it called, by Baltimora - I think Jungleboy), and Pop Life, and oh, the list will grow. but I want to actually see what else was out in that year, so I must bid you adieu right now. Catch ya on the flip side (if you're Flippin to the A Side, that is!).

Saturday, February 02, 2008

p.s. the liquidation world purchase

.... was a new couch and chair. The Mrs. was dying for it. A huge fucking sectional, with a lounger, and a chair, for the basement. I'll post pictures. Fucking Liquidation World anyway.

Friday, February 01, 2008

you might think i'm foolish

My ass is so extremely itchy and irritated right now. I'm just saying, is all. If you dont' want to hear about it, well, it's my blog, so goony goo goo, bitch. It's hard being a man, is all I have to say, what with chafing issues and such.
So anyway, it looks like I may have a few minutes to blog - MAYBE. My two oldest are having a sleepover with their cousins at grandma and grandpa's house. I am just awaiting the call saying they want us. I miss them and wouldn't be sad to see one come or both come home, but at the same time, i know they'd feel sad they had to come home, so I hope they stay. Ahhh... I love my babies..... and when people are all "oh, nice, get rid of the kids for the night" I think "I don't WANT to be away from them, they will be time enough for them to get away from us before we know it because they grow up so fast." That was a blatant comma slice. Deal with it.
LOL, I sound so snippy, don't I? I am sassier than Flo tonight, I am. Sorry. I have been sort of fighting this little bit of sadness in the back of my mind over someone I don't even know. Someone out in blogland, who I don't even read regularly (because I barely fucking floss regularly, let alone keep up with anyone anymore), but who I check out periodically because I think she's the biggest sweetheart this side of Green Gables. Anyway, this person has been trying to have a baby for a while, and finally conceived, and now perhaps has lost the baby, and when I heard that today, I wanted to bawl my eyes out. It really bothered me, because when you just know that someone would be an awesome parent, and nature isn't cooperating, well, it's the shits. No other way to put it. So if you are the praying sort of person, send out a silent prayer for her, and if you aren't, send a hug in your heart to them.
I have seen so many people who have reproduction issues, and it breaks my heart for so many reasons. A former coworker of mine, who must be almost 40, has had at least one, perhaps two, miscarriages that I secretly know about (she doesn't know anyone knows - long story how I found out) and she is someone who REALLY needs to have a baby because she needs to get the focus of her life off of work and negativity and being in control. Because I know she doesn't like how she is, deep down, because she really is a good person deep down, but has so many shields up. I hope nature comes through for her.
And our close friends and neighbors.... i can never remember what I call them on here - Sebastian and Lisa? Something like that? Anyway, it took them a long time to conceive - they had an appointment to start taking....LOL... what the hell do you call them.... reproduction drugs... LOLOL I am too tired... anyway, they had the appointment, and got pregnant in the meantime. I think the problem was him, but he rides a fucking bike everywhere, so you know me, I point blank said "you gotta stop riding that stupid bike to work" because he was the one who told me the angle of my bike seat was killing my prostate, but still rode his bike miles a day, but nobody ever listens to me. Anyway, they have a daughter now who is almost two, and they want another kid so bad, but so far nothing. And the thing is, they are so devoted. They have given up every extra-curricular activity now that they are parents. Before this, they were involved in dinner theatre and the arts community, but now, rightly so, their focus is their daughter. I so want them to get pregnant again.
And then another colleague/friend I know who is a year older than me had two miscarriages before having their daughter a couple years ago, and now they are trying again, and nothing so far.....
I think of these people, the woman in blogland, the friends who live behind us, the two coworkers..... and then I think about the stupid bastards who left the baby in Toronto yesterday, in the parking garage. The cutest frigging kid.... deserted in a cold stairwell in a parking garage on the coldest day of the year in Toronto. And I just want to find the parents and rip the mom's ovaries out, and chop the dad's dick off and shove it in his ear, and throw them in jail for 200 years. Google the story and you will see the beautiful baby. It just makes me want to bawl.
And I think about that fucking retard bitch (I always feel bad using the term retard, but I am too tired to think of another one) who gives birth in our Walmart bathroom and leaves her baby to drown and die in a fucking shitty filthy toilet, and why the hell do these morons get to have babies? Where is the fucking sense in anything? So I am sort of sad and angry that our blogland friend is going through this. It's not fair. And I feel relieved, but also sort of guilty, that Rachel and I just have to look at each other and bang, she's pregnant. Seriously, we just say "wanna have a baby?" and then she'll say "I'm ovulating", we'll hump, and two weeks later a line appears on the stick. It's been that easy. Number one was conceived the first time we didn't use birth control. Number two was the longest stretch - took three months, and let me tell you, when you HAVE to have sex, according to an ovulation test thingy, the romance is certainly not there. Number three was conceived during the first week we tried. Ditto number 4. I am so thankful, but also feel guilty and worried, because blogland lady seems much more deserving. Does that make any sense? I always feel guilty for everything.
Anyway, send out a prayer for a miracle for them, ok? And hugs.
So that was a fucking downer, wasn't it? I refuse to even comment on the frozen babies on Yellow Quill. I cant even go there.
And Roxanne said in an email this week she was thinking so much of Britney. Me too. Which is why the bitch is my doppelganger (Rox, not Britney - well, maybe Britney too, since I seem to spend so much time wondering about her). I admit, she's good joke fodder, and I laughed my arse off at the MTV Awards, but I have ALWAYS felt sorry for her and felt affinity for her. Maybe it's her love of fast food and Starbucks, I don't know, but I mean, of course she's nuttier than a fucking Payday Bar - imagine every move you made was scrutinized by the tabloids. HELLS BELLS. I used to try to hide the regularity we brought home take out food from our old neighbors - imagine that being published in the papers every day: "JT Enjoys a Big Mac!" "JT has a Venti Frappachino with not one, but THREE ginger cookies!" "JT orders pizza twice in one week!" "Local Doctor declares JT's Health in danger from fast food addiction". Admit it, you've been there. Imagine if you were Britney? You couldn't take a shit without someone trying to steal it and put it on the internet, a la the movie... LOL... fuck.. .which movie was it... Mama Mia... or The Adventures of Priscillia, Queen of the Desert?" Anyway, I feel for her. AND tell me - what sort of parent let's their kid, at 16, dress up in school girl garb, act all sex-kittenish, and sing "Hit Me Baby"? Suck my fucking ass, Mr. and Mrs. Spears, but you two ain't fucking no Ozzy and Harriet. I mean, no wonder she married K-Fed - you didn't allow her to grow up naturally. SO she makes bad decisions, has babies by the most fertile gross creep this side of fucking Pa Kettle (or me, I suppose), and then goes bonkers. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that this was coming. You dropped the fucking ball, Mr. and Mrs. Spears, and now poor Brit has to suffer.
And while I am never one to blame teen pregnancy on parents, because I really do understand that when kids hump, you can't always stop them, BUT FUCK me Dorothy, when you send your SECOND child out to bring home the bacon for your lazy asses, and she gets knocked up at 16, well, what in the fuck is wrong with this picture? My kids love Zoey 101 - how do I tell them that it will be cancelled because the little girl got herself knocked up and is having a baby so she can get press? It's all wrong, I tell you. I admit, I give my kids such guilt trips, it's horrid, but when you fuck up with one when you make her a star, stop the fucking pattern, you retards.
And I will admit this - "Gimme More" by Britney fucking ROCKS man. I LOVE that song. And that other Freakshow one too. Viva la fucking Britney. Britney and Lady Di - my two soul sisters. She'd be alive right now if I could have counselled her on Dodie....
So anyway, send out a happy thought for Brit. And her poor kids. Because as that Black girl can probably attest to, K-Fed ain't no daddy of the year. Shar - whatever...
What else.... OH! I think the only one I told this to was Chunks. My dogs humped the other day. Under the table. While we were eating. It was so hideous. They weren't stuck for long, and I hope the little shit was shooting blanks. He got fixed today. Lady is all pissy with him. She misses his knackers. Well, it's all over now, baby blue. Get used to a life of chastity. And, by the way, you are next, bitch! Say goodbye to the ovaries!
So that's that. I realize I haven't tackled anything I said in my outline of stuff I wanted to blog about.
I am still rereading Helter Skelter. I reread that stupid book every decade or so. And, as always, it scares the everloving fuck out of me. I throw it under the bed every night when I turn out the light, and lay there all freaked out. I have no idea why it bothers me so much, but it does. Anyway, it's so scary, but I will declare it right here - I should have no fear of it, because it's just a book and the Manson family were loony tunes.... but damn, it's creepy. Read it, so you can be freaked out with me. And it's 600 pages, so it will take you awhile.
I am craving a ciggie right now. I just had a glass of wine, so I guess that makes sense. Fuck man, I wish I never ever had tried smoking. Smokers, give up the evil weed. You can do it. That's all I'll say. I was thinking today about Carol Burnett's daughter Carrie, who died of lung cancer in her late 30s. It can happen, we are not invincible. I nag because I love you all. It's why I am going to lose 50 lbs. I refuse to die of colon cancer from a bad diet and a sedentary life style, because I don't want to be on my deathbed thinking "if only I ate bananas instead of Mars bars, my cells would have remained true". So take that as notice that JT is gonna be healthy and sexy for the summer.
Anyway, I forgot to tell you all I bought a webcam, but I don't want to do public VLOG ever, because I don't want anyone finding out I am JT, so if I ever do a VLOG, I'll tell ya, and you can request it from me - I dunno how to work the settings aka the compression shit - but I'll figure it out.
Anyone ever notice that on HOUSE HUNTERS on HGTV, poor Suzanne Wang never gets to go to where the houses are, but instead she's just taped in studio city or wherever she is? Poor girl.
LOL can you tell House Hunters is on right now?
I wish we had an IKEA here, because I am craving their meatballs right now. Can you tell that I am hungry?
Anyway, I guess I better go, since my dogs need to go to bed - Lady is a little too interested in Brutus' wound - I guess she's still a little randy?
Anyway, have a good weekend - I suppose I'll have to blog my outline from last time NEXT time.
May all your ups and downs be in bed (LOL that's so grade 10 yearbook.. LOL)
Happy weekend all,