Will Sleep with Bea Arthur, Abe Vigoda, and one of those Rankin Sisters for Fleetwood Mac tickets

Shitting my pants here - almost literally (came down with a nasty flu today). Anyway, the Eagles added a 3rd Saskatoon show and I was toying with trying to get tickets and I discovered that FLEETWOOD MAC IS COMING TO CALGARY AND EDMONTON IN MAY. The seats left are shitty, BUT you can buy these platinum ones in Edmonton, SECOND row, for 500 dollars each (I think you have to buy two).
So, I am calling on my wealthy silent millionaire readers to pony up the two tickets posthaste. Seriously, I know you are reading this, Oprah and Gail and Dr. Angelou. I don't care which one of you provides the tickets, but now is the time to make yourself known. C'mon, they are so old, this will never happen again. I need to see Stevie up close before we all die of old age. COME ON. YOU WON'T MISS THE MONEY. Really, there has to be some rich reader out there who is housebound and wants to see me happy. Because, as you know, it's been a hard year to be happy in - with these tickets, I won't be complaining for the rest of the year. Hell, I'll write posts about whatever topics you want. Just pony the money the fuck up, ok?
Thanks - you can contact me about how to Fed Ex the tickets. I love you!