Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Our (old) house, is a very, very, very fine house

It's late and I either have time to blog or time to comment on others, so I will just comment here to them and recap the interesting (to me) thing I did tonight.
First off - Devo: I so agree with you about the royalties in oil country. I would rather have 400 ass nubbins before I'd vote for a conservative, but good on Stalmach for having the balls to give it to the big oil companies with the royalty thing. All these people are whining they will have to leave to make a living? Well, fucking leave then. You can come here. There is such a labor shortage in Saskatchewan, and since 1/2 of the damn trades people are working in Fort Mac but living here. The can just come home full time. Crybabies. Honest to God, Sask. is booming. Do you know my house is worth at least 100,000 dollars more than it was 2 years ago? That's unheard of for these parts. Of course, the election is next week and the writing is on the wall. The Sask. Party, another name for crazy conservatives, will sweep into power. The NDP has been in power for 16 years here, and people want a change. It will be another 1982, when the Tories swept into power and now most of them who were in power have served jail time for fraud. But anyway, I feel sad about the inevitibility that it's going to happen that they sweep into power. I've got my good old NDP sign prominently sitting on my lawn, and when my babies get a little older, I think I'll volunteer with the party. I'm getting more political the older I get. But whatever, it's a losing battle. The Sask. Party wants to be a mini-Alberta. God help us all.
I am afraid nuclear energy is on the agenda with the Sask. Party too. Devo, you speak of alternative energy sources so this will be of interest to you. I am going to order this book, that I read a frightening excerpt from, called "Stupid to the Last Drop: How Alberta is Bringing Environmental Armegeddon to Canada (and Doesn't Seem to Care)."
I'll let you know how scary it is.
On to Chunks - Chunks, darling, it's just been sort of one of those off weeks, hasn't it? I am over sensitive this week, accident prone, and just discumbobulated. You sound the same. If it makes you feel any better, my dishwasher sounds like a runaway train for some reason and my toilet handle has a crack in it and I can't type this week because of my fucked up finger nail. Not sure if I posted when I reached for a razor and it somehow attached itself to my fingernail on my middle finger? Well, where it cut is now growing out and half my nail ripped off and I can't apply pressure without pain. Then tonight, I burned my back so bad. After trick or treating, daddy in law and me took the girls into their hottub, and after I showered off because, well, I don't know, I just did... LOL, when they used chlorine I would shower because my skin don't like the chlorine, but now they use bromine, but I like to rinse off anyway. ANYWAY, their shower in their basement has these knobs I can't figure out which is which and when I was getting out, I turned off the cold but couldn't turn off the hot, and it was cascading down my back and the shower door took that moment to stick on its track so I was burning up like a mofo. Fucking retard, I am.
As for Margo, well, she hasn't updated, so I can't comment to her, so I will just shout out a big hello to my sister from anotha mutha.
My diet is fucked this week. I was doing great and was actually on my way to join the gym last week when ass-nubbin popped out, which has sidelined me, and then this is the third day in a row for halloween candy binges, and now I poured some wine tonight because why the fuck not? Tomorrow is another day, but I will say I think the diet will wait until Friday to start again, because we have too much candy here for me not to eat.
Ok, so tonight - let me tell this fast. We went trick or treating all over - went in the hood for a bit, then got in the car and went to my folks, then to my kids' great grandma's senior's home, and then to my sister's house across the street from the senior's home, and then since I was in the hood already (this is the neat thing), I drove by my old house and pulled up and took the kids there. My old house that I grew up in from age 11 1/2 to 20. So we get to the door, me and the two oldest, and when she gives the candy I say "I grew up in your house!" and she asks me a few questions and then invites me in, and then her hubby is there and they lead me on this tour of the main floor and they were so nice and it was so cool because I have always wanted to go into the house again, and always think of it and dream about it and have this strange attachement to it. I realize there is an "E" in attachment that I need to delete but I don't feel like backspacing. ANYWAY. I realize now that this old house was the house where I have lived the longest in my life. And while I go down memory lane all the time to childhood and B.C., I have the same comfort feelings about that house, even though I do believe it is haunted and even though I spent probably 3 of the most miserable years of my life in that place that I probably need therapy to fully get over. But for better or for worse, it housed me and protected me and was home. Weird, isn't it? When people speak of "home" in the deeper sense, I always refer to the mountains and Chilliwack, but this home is equally "home". Anyway, I feel a lot of comfort in my heart when I think of it, especially at night - so going in there tonight was a trip.
You see, the first time I saw the house, I was appalled. Just completely mortified. This house was built in 1929, so it's old. An old two story in a really old, sort of run down but not really neighborhood. It's on a lot and a 1/2, or an acre, or something - I don't remember the particulars, but it's frigging a huge lot which could be subdivided. But I still remember it all so well, because it was like 26 years ago tomorrow, I think, that we arrived in this town for the very first time. I remember that 26 years ago tonight, I was in Lloydminister handing out candy at my cousin's house, on our move from Chilliwack to here. I know I started school here on November 9th, and I know that we spent over a week in a hotel, so we must have arrived here on the 1st or so. ANYWAY.
I remember us going to see the house, which was owned by the RCMP, since we always lived in RCMP houses. My dad was in charge of 1/2 the province, literally, and since our B.C. house was beautiful, I assumed this one would be as well. Well, we couldn't move in because they were putting in new carpet, or something, which is why we had to live in the hotel. ANYWAY. We get to the house and I am hoping for an old house with an attic, because as you know I have my weird hard-on for attics. There's an attic in the house but not one you can make into anything. No staircase or windows - just an insulation filled space. Strike one.
Anyway, the place looked like shit to me. Main floor was a HUGE rectangle shaped living room off the entry-way - it was huge, hey Margo?
Off of that was a nice sized dining room. There was the odd kitchen with a tiny weird breakfast nook, and a porch. Then a creepy basement, which was haunted. Upstairs was 3 bedrooms with fucked up closet space, a crawl space, and a bathroom so small one had to turn sideways to get to the toilet - you had to squeeze between a post and the sink. There was no shower, just a tub with no enamel, and a big window right in front of the toilet, so when you peed, people 2 towns over could see your dink in all it's glory.
The yard apparently was some sort of orchard in the 30s, and all the chopped down trees left the yard infested with ants.
So, I was mortified with the house, as I was used to my nice bi-levels with 5 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms.
But as much as I hated living here, and hated my life, and was bullied in school and had no friends and had all of my siblings 2 provinces over, and wanted to run away back to where I was a normal kid, the fucking place grew on me. I grew to like steam heat, and warming my feet on the radiator, as I read a book, or dried clothes on the radiator, or whatever. I quickly learned to appreciate showers and would go out of my way to have a shower whenever I could find one, even risking death from fungus by using the ones in my junior high. I learned to appreciate insulation, as the butter would freeze solid in our cupboards every winter, and learned that even though it felt like a million eyes were burning holes into your back whenever I went downstairs, the spirits there weren't about hurting you.
Then, in grade 9, we painted and wallpapered the place, and it sort of looked cool. In fact, I think it looked fucking classy. Was it, Margo, or was I just delusional? Give me your take on the house.
At the same time, we got a new tub - a long, deep, fiberglass bitch, with a shower. I almost creamed in my jeans when that fucker was operational. I grew to love that house. When my dad retired, he had the option of buying it, or moving. They chose to move - there was too much to be done - the ants in the yard, the old plumbing, the asbestos in the basement needed "abating", wiring, etc. I didn't think I would forgive them but I couldn't say anything, since I was 20 and needed to get my ass out of there anyway and on my own. But it was like selling Southfork. It was home and I loved it. The funny thing is that in my later teens, in grade 9, we had the option of moving out of the town that caused me such heartache and stress and tears. We could have moved to headquarters in Regina and lived on the base. I fought that. We could have moved to Saskatoon and lived next to the university. I fought that. You see, I suddenly came out of it and made a million friends and loved my life finally. So when in grade 12, my dad had the option of going back to Chilliwack, back to the town I mourned for 3 years, I said "go, but I am not coming." They stayed.
Anyway, as you can see, the house meant a lot to me. So tonight, going in there, it was such a relief to see the integrity was still there. The immediate thing that struck me was that the wallpaper in the living room was still up. Remember that sort of salmon colored stuff Margo, with etched flowers or something - a real subtle thing? It's still there. The kitchen cupboards, which I would have assumed would be turfed, were still there. Not repainted, either. The breakfast nook is gone, with a wall knocked out, so that there is just a little bar table and 2 chairs there, which leads to a sitting area with windows, a sunroom, that connects kitchen and dining room, and then, miracle amongst miracles, a BATHROOM off the dining room. Remember where the built in china cabinet was Margo? To the East of it.
Living room was the same, but totally different styles. These people are sort of hippies kinda, and they have a wall of books and tiffany lamps and they ripped all carpets and the whole place is the original hardwood, most in great shape, especially the stairs. The wallpaper going up the stairs is the same, striped, and the pictures on the walls were so familiar going up the stairs I almost said "did we leave those here?". The piece de resistance is the bathroom. They tore out the crawlspace and made the bathroom bigger because this guy is tall and he said he couldn't use the toilet because the ceiling angle thingy was too low. Anyway, there is a window where the crawl space was, and the bathroom is a sink when you walk in, I think the original sink and vanity (which brought to mind a dirty memory which I just can't share with you all right now... LOL, long story), and then right next to it a clawfoot tub, and then the toilet in the same spot, and a shower in the space where the tub was. The spare room is bigger because of no crawspace, and has a window on that side too, and my room is really small when I look at it, and they use it as a craft room where the woman has a loom. Or loomb. How do you spell loom?
Anyway, he said it made their night to show me the house and for me, it made my year. I said my sister really wants to see it too and he said just to call. I wonder if we'll get the balls to actually do it.
So a shout out to Roger and Sheila for showing me your house. I am so thankful. I am glad you love it as much as I did and look after it so well. I know the spirits in the basement bless you.
Anyway, I've had like probably the equivelent of 3 glasses of wine tonight, so while I don't even feel a buzz, I know the wine headache will kick my fat ass in 7 hours, so I am going to go shovel in a handful of candy and finish watching this annoying episode of Buy Me and then dream of my old house. I hope you all had a lovely Halloween, free of Jaime Lee Curtis movie murderers and such.
I also remember that 20 years ago, I was with these people I didn't usually hang out with and smoked a big old doobie with them and got freaked out because Luba's "Break Free" anti-smoking commerical was on the radio, but instead of the 20 second dealie, it was like a full 3 minute song, and someone said 'hey, it's the extended remix" and I found that so funny I was worried I would throw up a lung because I couldn't breathe through the laughter. Good times...

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Oprah and the death scares she induces

Just a quick update - remember the bitching and moaning from last week? Well, in a nutshell, it all got worse. I woke up Thursday morning with this odd feeling in one of my special spots so I ask Rachel "did you dream of aliens or anything last night because I could swear I was probed." Anyway, after some swift deduction, I realize that I am now in hemmeroid hell. Yes, I have something that feels like it is the size of a brussels sprout in my rectum. So, even though I know it is supposed to go away on it's own, I make a dr. appointment for today. Last night I was thinking of canceling, but then it all comes down to the bitch Oprah who ruined my day. I am getting ready for bed, after soaking my ass-nubbin in the tub, and see Oprah is on at 11:35. Well I flick to it and it's with Dr. Oz and about people who are scared to go to the doctor. Anyway, I see this dude getting a colonoscopy because he lost his brother to colon cancer at 32 and they end up removing polyps and shit. THEN, good old Mamut goes "this is what colon cancer looks like" and we see this lima bean shaped nubbin thing close to the end of someone's colon. Well. My brussels sprout feelin' ass nubbin feels like a lima bean, so then I think "I am fucking dying of colon cancer and it's so bad it's basically coming out of my ass because the whole fucking thing is coated with lima bean tumors" and then I think "OMG, my daughers... how can I leave my daughters.... they can' t handle me gone for the night without lots of tears" so then I get all teared up because if I had just eaten properly for the past 37 years, my colon would be smooth as an albino's bum. So I am a fucking wreck.
Fast forward to today - I avoid my fibre foods because I know I am getting fingered and probed today, sort of like K-Fed and Coley Lafoon on their first date, and God knows, my doctor, who I consider a friend of mine, probably doesn't want me farting when he's down there. So of course I am so nervous in the back of my mind about this I am shitting literally all morning, and then at lunch I go home and shower to make the bulbous ass nugget all shiny and new, and go back to work for an hour before I have to be at the doctor. Well, I know I am feeling mental, so I take an old Ativan, from what year, I don't know - an old one from a bottle Sharon gave me. Probably 5 years old, but motherfucker, it did the trick somewhat, but made me feel sort of unbalanced. Well, at the same time, this woman I work with, who is an old friend of my sister, is seen across the street from my house at noon dropping something in my sister's mailbox. I don't think anything of it until this afternoon. I was walking by her desk and she asked me for some documents and I said I'd bring them back to her and she was all "I'll come with you" and I was all "wtf?" and then she said "I was in your neighborhood today" and I said I saw her and then it hit me - she was dropping a card at my sister's house because it is 10 years ago tonight that my brother in law died -dropped dead. This woman's husband was my brother in law's best friend, and they had spent the day together that he died. My brother in law went with this this woman's husband to Saskatoon to buy a new mountain bike, and then when they got home he took his youngest son to Tae Kwan Do and my sister went to Bible study and when Tae Kwan Do was done, they went home and he told the boys he was going out. He went to the hospital because he was having chest pains we found out later, and when my sister walked in the door, the hospital was calling saying it looked like he had a stroke or heart attack in the lobby of the hospital and then they went down there and they said they couldn't stableize him and they were sending him to Saskatoon, so my sister and her boys ran home to get a bag, and when she walked in the door of her house, the phone was ringing and they told her to come back, and he was dead when they got there.
This woman I work with had her own tragedy the year before. Her almost 2 year old daughter died the October before from cancer, and my sister and brother in law were there when she died and they did her eulogy, the whole bit. So now her hubby lost his daughter and best friend in the course of one year. ANYWAY. So this woman was talking about all of this and asks how my sis does on this day and how her kids do and if we do anything because you can't forget the day since it's so close to Halloween, there is no way of missing it, and then she said she wondered what he went through those last minutes, if he felt alone because I guess he collapsed in the waiting area of the hospital, and since I was all pilled up, I was feeling all choked up and then in the back of my mind I am thinking of that horrible time and of my ass tumor that would kill me and leave my wife and children all alone, and then I realize it's like 2 minutes to my appt, so I had to rush and was all befuddled.
But anyway, I was just holding my breath when he was looking at my ass, waiting for him to suck in his breath and say "we better book you for a scope". Instead he said "it's really irritated and it will go away in 10 days and blah blah blah". Really, I was so relieved I could have kissed him. So then I asked about the gut thing and he wants me to try these new acid pills for a week, then if nothing gives, give up coffee for a week, then dairy, and then grains. Motherfucker, I can't NOT have coffee. And if I have Celiac's disease, well, fuck that shit. Remember, I make fun of it, so I ain't having it. You hear that you fucking pansy-assed pussy gutted Celiac crybabies? You ain't claiming this gut. No sireeee.... fuck right off, cuntbag.
Ok, anyway... back to my brother in law story. My brother in law was the healthiest person I knew. Seriously. He was a body builder, so he had an entire rumpus room full of weights, and he was a mountain biker and would think nothing of riding 100 kms to a lake or something. Honestly, fittest person. So that night, I was on my computer chatting to my friend Elouise from 40plus. She was in Nova Scotia and we were talking Halloween shit. Since it was the days where I just bought a computer, we were on dial-up and nobody could get ahold of me. They tried from like 11 until 1. But at 1, Rachel was sleeping on the couch and we had candles lit. Well, suddenly our votive holder exploded on the coffee table, shooting glass and smoke all over the place. Freaked us out and woke Rachel and I cleaned it up and told Elouise what was going on and then boom, a knock at the door. So we walk slowly to the door and hear my sister "Leslie" say "it's me, let me in". SO I open the door and she said "You have to come to 'Libby's', her husband died tonight". So I am convinced the exploding candle was my brother in law trying to get me off the computer and trying to prepare us of the bad news.
He was such a cool guy. I've known him since I was 8 years old. He used to have this Toyota truck that he would take me 4 wheelin' in. We would go into the bush and just drive like maniacs. I would also stay over at his place too as a kid, and since my sister and I were so close, I was on many dates with them. He was the one who got my sister born again, and so they got me born again, and anyway, we were all exceptionally close. I really needed them, because while I loved my parents more than anything, I was always caught in their shit. They would drink and then I'd be almost vomiting worried about if they'd fight, and then my sister was pregnant and I was all about harmony in the house, so I really needed them to look after me and help me unload and to just be there.
So anyway, it was a shock when he died. Their sons were 14 and 15 and it breaks my heart to even think of all of that again.
OH! But after I find out I am going to live, I come home and call my mom to see if they wanted to go together for flowers for my sister, but of course my mom is on her river denial right now because I started the convo with "did you send libby flowers today" and she was all "why?" and then she was all "Well no, we don't usually and was it 10 years already? Gee, it was my sister's birthday today. So why did you go to the doctor? Are you bringing the kids by for Halloween?" so I just gave up and called my sister and said "I tried to get together with everyone for flowers but you know what everyone is like, so the thought is there". Honest to fucking goodness.
So just generically, I was thinking how much has changed in 10 years. I've moved twice since that night, and have owned 2 houses, my wife has changed jobs once, I've changed jobs twice, and indeed have gotten a "real" job, I've gotten married, had 3 kids, bought my first dog, buried my first dog, bought two others, bought a cat who is now a senior, gone through a few vehicles, our closest "couple" friends divorced and now we are close to neither of them, but have a new, radically different couple we hang with, I've gained weight, lost weight, gained... more times than I want to remember, I grew a goatee for shits and giggles and now never will probably part with, I made some close internet friends who I never hear from now, I lived through Y2K, I now live across the street from the widowed sister and can see her in her kitchen getting ready for bed as I type this, I still have both parents but not sure for how long, I still have the same best friend and I have met other friends I am very close with as well, I have new internet friends I hope never ditch me, and I am an entirely different person in so many ways than I was at that point. Remind me to do another update in 10 more years from tonight and see what I have to say then.
So that's it. Sorry for the death downer, but I have to mark it somehow. Dude, wherever you are, I love you and thank you for everything and I miss your laugh more than anything else. We'll meet up later, but hopefully not for a really long time. But I'll think of you whenever I see Mount Cheam, cherry whiskey, Gold's Gym, or listen to U2 and REM. Rock on my brother.

And I hope all of you have a delightful Halloween - Margs, it is 18 years ago now that I was Tammy Faye for Halloween. I never did find my fucking wig.......

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

love me, flautuance and all

Well, so I am sitting here tonight in a classroom, thinking it would be a stress-free evening. You see, I am supervising an exam for someone who couldn't be here to invigilate her midterm. So, I think, how bad can it be? I'll sit here and blog or something and relax. Well, as usual, I get here and nothing ever goes smoothly. First, the room was locked, which seems to be the usual for me when I do stuff like this. Then, the damn security guy, once I find him, can't find his key to the room, so I start to sweat like Frank on Trading Spaces, and flag down a janitor and beg her to come up and let me in, and then security dude finally finds his key, so we get in the room 90 seconds before the exam is to begin.
So then I try to connect to the internet, but the wireless signal for the network isn't usable in this room, because this room is in this oddball alcove above a gym, where down below some sort of Volleyball extraveganza is going on. So then I try the freenet connection thingy, which the government has lovingly provided to all post secondary institutions and city centres in the province. It connects just fine, so I immediately go to my email. I see I have a message on facebook from an old school chum from B.C. I asked an old neighbor about her, since I've always thought of this girl and she was one of the few people I actually wanted to talk to, and the neighbor said she was on old facebook with such and such a name. I sent her a message and didn't hear anything, so I thought well, I guess she doesn't remember me, but then on Friday I got a message saying hi, sorry for the late reply, my dad died, funeral is tomorrow, I'll write more later. So I send my apologies and then now I see she indeed must have written more. So, I go to read it but the motherfucking network blocks me, because of parental controls. So, I think the kids must have set parental controls on here, because they are all addicted to PBS kids now, but after clicking around, I see that it's this network that has the restrictions on it. I mean, I know that one shouldn't download illegial music or look at pornography or gamble or what have you when you are on a government network, but fucking facebook? What the hell is with that?
So, I am instead writing this on Wordpad and will paste it in later, although it never pastes right. But that's how I roll.
Anyway, long time no blog, but I've been busy and shit. So, I guess we haven't debriefed about any topic news items lately. Shall we begin?
First off, let's talk about Ellen. Ok, I know you are all going to think me heartless, but I was so annoyed at that fucking bawling she did. Ok, I am on her side and think those stupid fuckers should put the dog back, because really, most of these damn rescue groups are just going to have to nuke the dogs in a fucking canine gas chamber. So I am glad she explained the whole story and loved how she put them on the spot with the "please give it back to these kids" thing. But I mean, she was weeping so hard I thought her mom must have kicked the bucket or something. I just found it a little too unglued and thought she was veering towards the mental. So yeah, call me a rat bastard, but it annoyed me. Buck the fuck up, Ellen, allright?
Fuck, for a moment I thought she was going to start speaking Celestia and channel her ex Anne Heche.
Hey, have we ever talked Anne Heche? Lets. First off, bitch is a loony tune, allright? We all know that. But it bothers me that she gets to be the famous one and I don't. I remember her back in the day from Another World when she was Marly and Sharly or whatever, the twin. Vicki, that's it. Anyway, I remember her from back then, and she was a mental patient then, and a complete utter bitch. It didn't take much to realize that. She had bitch written all over her face.
So then she starts showing up in Hollywood and dates Steve Martin. Suddenly, all the cred I gave to Steve vanished, because if you hook up with a bitch, well, you must be a bitch by association. As the old saying goes, the bitch doesn't fall far from the bitch. Then, she pulls that running off with Ellen thing, which I know many sisters wanted to believe - you know, the whole "I've never been attracted to a woman before but the second I saw Ellen I was on fire and had to have her". Lesbians, PLEASE, that shit wasn't believable for a second. Sure, she hugged and kissed Ellen everywhere she went, but only because it was serving her well and Ellen was all over the news, so of course it worked. We all know the bitch was craving the old cock-a-doodle-oo like the desert craves the motherfucking rain. Then, to prove she's even more crazy, she dumps Ellen for a fellow named Coley Lafoon? WTF? I don't care if you did spend 5 years sleeping with a woman whose gender secretly repulsed you - you choose to break the dry spell with someone named Coley Lafoon? Bitch, you ARE whacked, aren't you?
Then, to rationalize the whole mispent lesbian years, because you realize that you aren't getting any lead woman sexy roles, you decide to say you were crazy, believed you came from another planet and invented your own language. AH! OF COURSE! We get it! We forgive you! Happens to all of us now and again!
And then, Coley Lafoon tries suing you for custody of your child? Well, bitch, if I was a judge, I'd give the kid to Coley too, retarded name and all. Maybe Coley should fall in love with K-Fed and come to Canada and marry him and they could raise all their little offspring together, because really, they'll need the press soon enough. Hear that K-Fed? Marry Coley and you'll still be in the limelight once Britney gets the kids back.
So right there, we have Anne Heche, Coley Lafoon, K-Fed, and Celestia, all firmly entrenched in our lexicon. So why can't I have a piece of the fame pie? I don't want scandal, no - just a little fame. Like, just a little more than David Faustino. Well, maybe that's a bad example. How about like that sort of fattish guy from Swingers, the one who played the millionaire boyfriend on Friends. Whatshisname... anyway, I just want some money and a few fan letters and maybe some free shit, like a gift basket for presenting at the Daytime Emmys or something. Is it too much to ask?
ANyway, that was a tangent and a half. So.... how about that kookie Marie Osmond? I'm sorry, but bitch didn't forget to breathe - bitch forgot how many fucking oxy-contin she took. Did you frigging see her jumping around and shit? Bitch was higher than a kite. Prove me wrong kids. Prove me wrong.
Anyone else watching Project Runway Canada? I am secure enough in my manhood to proclaim that I watch it. My wife is like hooked on the fucking Project Runway shows, and she rules the remote. She really does. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, you know what I mean? So she watched this fucking marathon one Sunday and by episode 8 or so, I was hooked too. Anyway, the Canadian one is really cool and is hosted by Iman, who I used to love so much but who is a little freaky now. Like, I used to think she was hot like 20 years ago, and loved it when she was on Rosie with her "Listen to Iman" thing, and she's funny now because she's so crabby on that show, but her neck is getting bigger. I am really convinced she is wearing those African lady neck ring things to stretch that thing.
So last night I was all excited because the Fiddle and the Drum was on Bravo, which is the show the Alberta Ballet put together set to Joni's music. So I kept saying "I can't wait to see the Ballet tonight", trying to sound cultured. Well, it probably would be really cool to see live, but it was all of Joni's depressing "the world is a war-ridden, polluted hell" songs so it was a downer for the most part.
I've been thinking of Joni lately and how I just know, if exposed to the right things, Devo and Chunks would have an "a-ha" moment and feel the genius from the heart. For instance, Devo has the new one, which isn't really up to par, and Chunks has CLouds, which isn't either. But I think if they got Court and Spark it would be a start. And Dog Eat Dog, which many Joni fans hate, because it's from 1985 and was her synth and drum machines album, is one I think could attract Chunks. It's the beginning of Joni's commentary of world events and things, and I love it. So I must find the cds in my mess of stuff and start yousending it.
Finally, in other news, I bought a Waterpik. You see, as a child, in my "I have nothing and want to be like the rich kids" rants, I wanted a Waterpik. I'd see them in the Consumers Distributing catalogue and think "if only I had an Atari and a Waterpik - life would be good". Well. I saw one the other day and impulsively cashed in my Shopper's Drug Mart points (I always hit the 20x point days so I had like 300 bucks I could have used) and bought a new ear thermometer and the waterpik. Well, first off, I love it, I have to say that. But. But.
But... well.... it's louder than a fucking jet plane engine and of course i didn't read the directions the first few times, so I was getting water all over the frigging bathroom and mirror and my chest and it was so messy that I even said to Rachel "I think I'll have to do this over the tub." Well, turns out all I had to do was to shut my mouth and voila, the damn thing didn't spray. What a concept!
Then, I have this temporary filling on the tooth that was bugging me, which the dentist said he thinks needs a root canal but is waiting for me to say yes, it hurts. Well, it only hurts when I floss it in this one spot, so, stupid me, I think "oh, really fast pulsing water will feel good on that tender spot where it feels like the nerve is exposed." So I douse the bitch with water and pretty much almost blacked out from the pain. Yes, I'm smart that way, arent I?
So today my obsession has been that i have something seriously wrong with my gut, like Celiac's Disease or something. I figure it's karma for all the fun I've made of Celiac's disease in the past. Well, I've never made fun of it, just someone who is really annoying who was talking endlessly about it one time. Anyway, the thing is, and here is where you can quit reading if you think I am offering too much of myself - don't say I didn't warn you.
The thing is, I've been plague for a couple years by, I suppose, more gas than the normal person. I've attributed it to my on and off again bouts of fibre loading, where I try to get back on a high fibre diet and it takes adjustment. But there are certain things that affect me no matter what - my favorite cereal from Costco, for instance - the Weight Watcher's honey almond crunnch with blueberries - best thing you'll ever eat, but it gasses me up. Anyway, the past few days have been really bloaty and farty and I went Sunday night to get some help for it. I bought Beano, which hasn't done anything yet, and I wanted to badly to buy this stuff that was Life brand, but instead of having a normal name, it was called.... you guessed it... "Life Brand Anti-Flatuance pills. Extra Strength." I shit you not. SO how am I supposed to take that to the till? I would rather have bought a douche, or extra small condoms, or had my face made up by the make up lady than have to go to the check out with "anti-flatuance" pills. Something about "I am fartly uncontrollably" pills just screams "loser". So, instead I bought Gas-X which sort of works a bit I guess. I should go to my doctor, I know, because I don't want to give up fibre, because I believe low fibre diets are what is causing all of this colon cancer shit in the world today, but fuck, what can the doctor do? And then that got me thinking "holy fuck, it's celiac's disease or lactose intolerance" or some hideous, diet-altering lifestyle change. My memoir would be called "A Mighty Wind: My Brave Battle with Celiac's Disease touched with a hint of lactose Intollerance." Yes, just plain stupid, it is. Just pray that there is an end to the Saskatchewan Clipper in my gut - and keep me the fuck out of California until the rains begin....
Well, that's all the news that fits. I will have to paste this in later, as I am sure the filters that block facebook will block this shit.

Saturday, October 13, 2007
LOLLLLLLLLL, just watch, the play the video, but then they dance a la American Bandstand to it, and it's so fucking funny...
But the sad thing is, you damn we know that if we could have, we'd be down there posing our asses off... LOL, me and Margo would be bumping into Chunks and Dev, vying for camera time.....

Friday, October 12, 2007

I have nothing to say. No wisdom to impart. No funny stories. No jokes. I haven't fallen in any grocery stores lately. Nothing. So there is just nothing to say, I guess. Sad, really. But then again, I just got a facebook message from my homeboy Kev about some cool Canadian 80s videos on youtube, so maybe I'll just check that shit out. It's all good.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

9 out of 10 readers think I'm nuts

I am sitting here watching Happy Days. It's a corker of an episode. Joanie is SMOKING! You know, I totally forgot how annoyingly hokey this show became after the first or second season. It was a little more authentic in the first season, back when they had the older brother Chunk on, and their house was all different, but then it got all stupid. Fonzie is just so stupid, too. Like, if you think that's cool, I got a bridge to sell you. Anyway, I wish Maude was on right now. Tonight is the episode where Walter has a drinking problem. Now THAT'S good tv. Hey, what the hell is up with that gay looking mirror thingy in Fonzie's apartment? You know, it's sort of like a bench and he combs his hair in it? Next to the door? Yeah, that's a chick magnet.
Another pet peeve is bothering me today. Why oh why do all of those wonderful product making people think that we need scent/flavor overload? Case in point - I am trying to buy some gum today, and did you know that the market is overtaken with a mixture of flavors that don't necessarily belong together? They have that Trident Squirt gum stuff, and it's stupid shit like strawberry kiwi, and the new one, lemon blackberry. Like, who the hell WANTS these things together? Why can't we just have lemon OR blackbery? WHo wants them together? Not this fellow. And then there is bubblemint. Who wants bubble gum flavor with mint? And there is the whole Bubbliscious thing now, which is all combinations too. Then there is the whole range of Juicy Fruit now, and you don't know what the flavor is, other than "green" or "purple" and it all tastes the same. I want some company to have the balls to market "Grape" or "Spearmint" or whatever so you know what you are getting. I bought some Excel gum last week, and I swear I had no clue what I was getting. It was all called shitty names like "Excaliber" and "Midnight Rush" and "Cool Refreshment" and I just didn't know what in the hell I was getting. Of course, it was the typical "polar ice" flavor, which again is something you don't know what that means - in other words, that cool mint flavor. It was like buying condoms - I don't suppose any of you have bought condoms lately, but let me tell you, those fuckers are like gum - you have no idea what in the hell you are getting. In the old days, you at least knew what the hell they were - ribbed, unlubed, lubed, bumpy, whatever - it explained. Now, it's all "pleasure dots" and "stealth" and all these names, and you really don't know what in the hell it means. I accidently bought these ones once called "Tingle" and to be honest I didn't know if she was supposed to tingle or if I was, or what the hell. Turns out they were spearmint scented, so it smelled like you were rolling around in a pack of Trident - well, back when Trident called itself spearmint, and there isn't anything more distracting to your lovemaking than having your penis feel icy fresh. I am going to boycott all that shit. And at the same time, make a plea for Trident to bring back their fruit flavored gum.
And what in the hell is with the fine folks at Downy? I don't know if I have told you my secret passion - the scent of lavender. You know that rotting fall leaves are my favorite scent, followed by the smell of snow, and the smell of rain. Next up is lavender. But fucking Downy mustn't think it's good enough to stand on its own, so they team it up with vanilla. Who the fuck wants duelling scents of lavendar and vanilla? It just gives you a headache and smells like some vanilla bean shit in your lavendar bush. Fucking wankers. Then there is the other new ones, some lilac and whatever smell. Give me fucking lavender and screw the vanilla. Stupid pissers. And coinkydinkilly, in the states, they used to sell Downy Advanced, which was clear and I kid you not, had a residual smell like rotting leaves, so it was a wet dream, but the wankers discontinued it - probably to make room for the upcoming "lilac lavendar vanilla orange blossom scent."
Then there is Dr. Pepper, with it's Berries and Cream flavors. Like we need berries and cream added to cherry and cola flavors. Fuck me, Dorothy. Some overloads work, like All-Dressed chips. Others should be shot like a two legged dog.
Ok, now that I got that off my chest, I don't know what else I have to say. Made a wicked ceasar salad tonight - the Victorian Epicure kind, and now all I can taste is garlic. Sweet misery.
Tomorrow would be my sister's wedding anniversary. She was widowed 10 years ago this month. She was married 27 years ago, and man, I remember it so well. It was such a big deal, and big wedding, and I remember the night before (27 years ago tonight) I lost it and bawled for ages and I was mortified. I remember there was a houseful of people, like tons of people, and I was sitting on our deep freezer in our kitchen and I said something like I was scared of losing her so she came and hugged me and I started crying and couldn't stop and bawled for literally hours. I ended up walking around and doing shit, but just sobbing all the while. It was fucked up. Then the next night, after the wedding, I was all stressed again and I was sleeping on a cot in my sister's room, and I was shaking so bad she was yelling at me to stop moving because I was shaking the cot. Hmmmm, looking back on that episode, is it any wonder I ended up with anxiety issues?
Anyway, it was traumatic to "lose" my sister, because I don't want to say she was my favorite sister, because that's not true, but we had a real bond and we would do stuff together all the time. She was the one who also took me to church in my born again period, and she'd take me on dates with her, and listen to me and sleep with me when I needed someone, and reassure me when my parents would fight, and so when she got married, it was a big thing. Damn, now I am all melancholy now, thinking about the past. It makes me want to listen to some Christopher Cross. Right before her wedding, one Friday night when she was having a wedding shower, my dad and I went to Woolworths, and I talked him into buying me Christopher Cross' self-titled album, because I loved "Sailing" and "Ride Like the Wind", but especially "Sailing." Everytime I hear those songs, I think of that season, and the wedding, and I feel just.... melancholy and wistful. I think I know where that cd is.. I should grab it.
You know how precocious I was back then? I drank freely at her wedding. Part of the excitement of the wedding for me was that I got my mom to promise that Susan and I could have a rum and coke. Now I know it sounds horrible, but I always drank a bit as a kid - wine at birthdays, from age 8 or so on, I always got some Lonesome Charlie or Baby Duck or whatever on birthdays, or a liquer once in a while or something. Nowadays, you'd be shot for giving your kids wine or booze, but back then, it really wasn't a big deal. So at the wedding ,I had the wine at dinner, and then some, and then my rum and coke, and then I drank Sue's, and then I had some beer someone gave me. How stupid is that? I caught the garter at my sister's wedding too, and I had no idea what the hell it was or why anyone would want it. I wonder where it went.... There is also pictures of me twisting like a mofo at the wedding. Oh man, I really don't want to be going down memory lane tonight. As Joni sings in one of my all-time favorite songs "Lesson in Survival" (a song Devo would fucking love so much I should find it and send it to her), "when you dig down deep you lose good sleep." Ain't that the fucking truth..... As an aside, if I do find it, Dev, you got to pay attention to the first line, considering your upbringing and your religious family: "Lesson in survival/Spinning out on turns/that get you tough/ Guru books, the Bible/Only a reminder/ that you're just not good enough."
Anyway, that says it all, doesnt it?
I am melancholy and want to find my methhead friend and drag her ass off the street, take her to the corner store for some candy, and then go down to the slough and smoke a pack of Craven M with her, just talking about nothing.
LOLLLLLLL, I mention my sister's anniversary and look what it conjures up. But seriously, if I had an excess of money, I'd be there on the next train, grabbing her fucking methy cracked out ass off the street and slapping some sense into her.... anyway.....
I can't find Lesson in Survival online - maybe I can find the cd tomorrow and send it out. You will be moved. But in the meantime, I will send you "Down to You", another one of my alltime favorites from Court and Spark. I've talked of this song before. Anyway, the lyrics are so good, and so melancholy.... and the first line is genius, pure and simple.
Anyway, I think I'm going to bed now. Remember, stay away from that multi-flavored gum... and meth.... both suck.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

A dog pooped in my basement and I just walked past it. Now I feel guilty and need to go pick it up in case someone goes downstairs before I do in the morning.
I am having router or wireless issues. My connection always is low. I don't get it. It's all fucked up. I had to connect with my sister's connection tonight. Fucking bollocks and wankers and gob-stuffed shite..... Anyway, whatever, I'll figure it out somehow, or just have no connection and have to blog from Safeway, which according to the sign, has wireless. True, it's probably Starbucks and not Safeway that the wireless is for, but I am resisting the urge to walk around the store, with my laptop in a cart, blogging about the whole shopping trip: "An old lady with blue hair just bought two tins of catfood and some 1/2 and 1/2. I wonder if she's single and what kind of cat she has, and if she's ever had a threesome" (yeah, that's the way my mind works, sadly).
Just finished watching Fantasy Island. You know, it's always creeped me out, and as I kid I thought it has something to do with Mr. Rourke and Tatoo, but I think it's because I also don't quite understand the thing - like, how does Mr. Rourke pull this shit off? It just gives me the creeps a bit, still. The one storyline was the lamest thing ever, about Marcia Brady trying to be a beauty queen, but she had daddy issues. Anyway, lame-o, but still good for nostagia, which is what I am all about. I am sure some Freudian would have a heyday with me, about my nostagia and trying to get back to my own ancient times, why, I don't know. Probably some signifying thing about trying to get back to the womb or something. I studied so much Psychoanalytical theory in university, I could scream. Most of it is bollocks. Not all, though.
So the nose is running a little clearer today, no headache, no post-nasal drip. Of course, I am still blowing my nose constantly, and it's still funky, but I feel more human that I have in 11 days. The penicillin must be kicking in. So we had our dinner tonight at the inlaws, but I wasn't all that hungry, so we are going tomorrow for leftovers. Look out, I'm strapping on the wooden leg.
I'm disturbed tonight. Found out this morning that this girl was killed in an accident last night. She would have been 18 or 19, and while I have no idea who she is, she is most likely a distant relative of my wife. Anyway, I guess she was in a car accident at 4 in the morning, just about 10 blocks from here - not all that far at all. The other girl is in critical condition. But something about car accidents, especially the young, always rattle me. The speed limit on that stretch would have been 50, and it was a busier road, but a residental area where it occured. My sister called to ask tonight if we knew her because there was this vigil set up where the accident was and kids were all over the place, I guess. Anyway, as I said, car accidents disturb me, especially the young. I keep thinking of her parents who had to get the call in the middle of the night, and the unreality of the situation and how 24 hours ago at this time, she was still alive, living her last 4 hours, and all the hopes and dreams gone, and then when I look at my kids and I think that only 12 years or so ago, she was their size and it breaks my heart and chokes me up, and I don't know if I am crazy or feel too much or am just stupid, but I can't shake my freaked-outness. So please, drive safe all of you. And keep your eyes on your driving kids at all times.
Well that was an up post, wasn't it?
You know, I can't even get mad at the shitting dog because we had them locked in the garage for like 12 hours, because I can't trust them in the house, and so they were only out for a few minutes when we came home tonight.
This morning I went for a walk. My inlaws were having brunch, and my family went at about 10:30, but I was still laying in bed because I was rough from my snot problems at that point, so Rachel said she'd come back and get me. However, I felt so shitty I thought that if I took a walk, maybe I would feel better, since it was so nice out, so I grabbed the mp3 player and off I went. I can't remember if I told you that I live right behind the North Saskatchewan. The street right behind me is River Street and I can see the river from my kitchen window. Two doors down is the access path to the river bank, which is a paved path and park that goes the entire length of the city. My inlaws live like 6 or 8 blocks down on the riverbank so I walked there and it was so beautiful. I love autumn. Did I ever tell you that my alltime favorite smell in the world is that sort of rotting wet leaves smell? Well it is. Probably again some ancient memory of trying to get back to the womb, because I remember that scent from childhood. Anyway, I love the fallen leaves, and I love rainy or cloudy fall days. Today was sunny and that was fine. It was a beautiful walk and was just what I needed. Well, that and a venti house blend from Starbucks. The Tim Horton's boycott is going on it's 4th week. I went through the drive-thru yesterday but that was to feed the family. I still haven't found coffee as good, but I am getting used to other coffee so that's good. I am not a dark roast fan, though, and Starbucks always tastes like dark roast, even when they claim it isn't. This will sound funny, but I got a frigging good cup at Mac's one day, and A&W's coffee rocks. Anyway, I fear that my NC tonight might have made me hyper because I can't stop typing and rambling. I'd love some wine right now, but the last thing I want to do is kill myself by mixing wine with my cold pill and my NC. Fucking bollocks anyway.
I should go to bed, but what to read? I just don't feel like Augusten's brother's book. I should read the Tales of the City series again because he just wrote another one I guess. Chunks, there are 7 TOTC, the Autobus you got had two or three in them. Get the rest, they get really good.
I bought bananas last week from Costco and they didn't turn out right - all blacky. Must have been frozen in the warehouse. Bollocks.
Sure wish I had turkey here. I want a hot turkey sandwich, smothered in gravy with a side of cranberry jelly (not sauce, I like jelly with the can marks on it) and lots of salt and pepper.
Anyway, hope everyone has a good thanksgiving. Eat lots, have some wine, and appreciate the people in your life.

Uh Huh, this my shit

You have NO idea the stuff coming out of my nose today. I've never seen such a plethora of colors and consistencies and such. It's quite horrid. And I felt worse today than I have all 10 days with this thing. I guess the penicillin needs a day or so to kill it. Anyway, just going to make myself some Neo Citreon and go to bed, but of course, I also took a Safeway nighttime cold pill and I am scared of acetaminophen overdose or wrecking the old liver, so I am going to wait it out for a few minutes so there is an hour between doses, because I take double hits of NC - I want to fucking sleep, bitch.
This new digital recording this is too frigging cool. Before bed last night, I just went clickety click and set up weekly taping of Good Times, Facts of Life, Square Pegs, and Who's the Boss, which I watched this morning, and tonight I set up Hart to Hart of Fantasy Island to tape tomorrow. I was certainly disappointed at Square Pegs. I thought I remembered it well and that I loved it, and I could still sing the theme song during the end credits, but man, it was so corny and stupid and full of the most obnoxious laugh track..... maybe it was just a bad episode.
I am listening to "Midnight Wind" by John Stewart right now, a latest obsession. The song is like probably almost 30 years old now and don't know, you probably would think it was no hell, but I just love the shit out of it. You must be familiar with John's song "Gold", with Stevie singing background - you know, "when the lights go down in the California town, people are in for the evenin'" and the chorus is "people out there are turning music into gold."Anyway, "Midnight Wind" was the follow up, also with Stevie on back-up, and I just love it - a classic night-time song, you know, one of those midnight in the summer songs, that make you long for California... Oh man, sometimes I wonder if anyone knows what in the hell I am talking about.....
Another tidbit of useless information that I know - Max from Hart to Hart was married 9 times. Why do I know all this shit? Probably because we always had the Enquirer next to the shitter when I was a kid.
There's a big scandal brewing in this town that is supposed to be exposed this week. If it is as big as they say, I don't doubt it will be on the news all over the place. It's regarding all of these "fine, upstanding businessmen" and drugs and money laundering, and the rumours have been crazy for a month or two, and it's coming to a head this week supposedly. Keep watch, I'll update as it happens.
Listening to Joni's "Down to You" right now - another melancholy one, but so beautiful it almost hurts - the song starts with the line "everything comes and goes/marked by lovers and styles of clothes." How sad is that? Heartbreaking, but indeed, for many people, it's the truth.
Why am I blogging like I am Jann Arden or something? You know, when she gets on one of those rolls where she's all love and peace and whatever, in her books, and you think "yeah, yeah, Jann, whatever, tell me what you got at Costco yesterday."
Oh man, I am so going to find my Court and Spark and send you this album, and Hegira too. You won't listen, but at least I've tried.
Chunksie, this is funny - my nephew from Fernie came to town for the afternoon and for Thanksgiving dinner because he took the bus to Saskatoon to see his girlfriend, who is in law school there. Anyway, she's from GP, so I asked my sister what her last name was, and then turned to Rachel and said "she's from GP, like Chunks" and she looked at me, and then said, "OH! Well... then they must know each other then!"
LOLLLL, God love that spitfire I am married to.
Anyway, I better go make my NC now. Hope y'all have a good turkey day, if that is indeed what y'all do.
As I always say, "uh huh, this my shit...." (read Chunks' last comment if you don't get that one.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

X marks the fucking spot....

Two posts in one night - you are all so lucky! Anyway, I don't know if I ever said here how the band X was one of my alltime favorites when I was a teenager. Well, they were and I still love them. They were the best LA punk band of the 80s. Man, they did the best shit. Anyway, I love this - it's them recording "White Girl" - it doesn't start until like 1:23 or so, but worth it - I love how John Doe (who was married to Exene Cervenka, the woman singing, at the time) lets the cigarette fall out of his mouth when he starts singing. The producer is Ray Manzurek from the Doors. ENJOY!

Friday, October 05, 2007

these are a few of my favorite things

Ok, tell me this: what the fuck is the purpose for all this funwall bullshit? Like really, what the hell? I don't look at it, and I don't really get it. The same with all those other things on Facebook, like the food fights and whatever. Like, how frigging stupid. But whatever blows wind up yer knickers I always say.
Also, I went to the Dr. tonight, after blowing copious amounts of snot out my nose all day and having such a sinus headache that I wanted to rip my teeth out to relieve the pain. I have a sinus infection. Thank you Jesus that I have something I can take meds for instead of letting me suffer with just a cold. Been sick and whining for 9 days. Maybe the tide will turn now......
Anyway, tonight I am trying to figure out yousendit. If it works, Chunks can forward the 4 tunes on to you as I asked her to. This is my Thanksgiving present for you all. Let me explain these selections and why I am sending them to the three of you:

First, I am sending pretty much my favorite Joni song to you guys, but especially to Devo. "Amelia" is from Joni's 1976 album "Hegira", which is probably the fan favorite of all her albums. Well, favorite amongst the rabid Joni fans. The masses and the critics love Blue and Court and Spark, but the fanatics pick this album as a favorite, and this track is probably our favorite as well. Hegira is an album that was written during a trip across America one summer. Joni drove across the country, and it's a melancholy road trip album - I'll leave it at that. The first track, "Coyote", is about a break up with a rancher type dude, rumoured to be Sam Sheppard, and sets the tone for the trip to take off - it opens with "no regrets, coyote, we just come from such different sets of circumstance, I'm up all night in the studio and you are up early on your ranch." It actually shocked me the first time I heard it because of the line "coyote sits in a coffee shop/staring a hole in his scrambled eggs/he picks up my scent on his fingers/while he watches some waitress' legs." Risque for 1976, and I mean, haven't we all been caught doing that? (Kidding... kidding....I'd never eat scrambled eggs while smelling my sexed-out fingers...).
Anyway, The album's title track is really morose, and there are some deep, melancholy songs on there, but Amelia is the classic. It's written to Amelia Erhardt. Anyway, Joan's on a journey, riding across the country, with issues and deep thoughts and melancholy and soul searching, and a broken heart, and it fits perfectly with Devo's recent solo trip. However, it goes deeper than that. I somehow know Devo will feel this song like I feel it, and those of us who love it feel it. I know that after a few listens it will stick to her insides and be a part of her. And I know that while, like me, she may not know exactly what Joan is referring to in lyrics, she'll feel the song, and know it and it will make her wistful and sad and happy and resigned and enlightened and all of that. So because you will get this song, I give it to you my friend.
Now Chunks, the one I am sending you will be a puzzle to you, but for ages this one has made me think of you. I know you are one of the strongest people I know (you don't believe it, but it's true) and you write with bravery and no fear and lay it on the line and I honor that in you so very much because I can never let go and just barf it all up like you. However, whenever I hear this song, I think of you and I could never figure out why. But what it is is that I think there is a part of you that is like Joni in this song: pensive, a little unsure, uncomfortable at the party, people watching with awe and sadness and with a little self doubt - "I'm just living on nerves and feelings" as the song says, and "coming to people's parties feeling deaf, dumb and blind." Maybe I am full of bollocks. But I think I can see that little bit of vulnerability in you which is why I think of you with the song. Maybe this is where our panic attacks come from. On the same album, Joni sings "he makes friends easy/he's not like me/I watch for judgement anxiously" and that is me to a tee. Seriously, that's my theme song. You make friends so readily and are so open and I am envious of that, but I think there is a tad of that uncertainty in you which is why we click so well - we are all worty and worry about it a bit. So this goes to you, my friend.
Margo, the song I wanted is not found tonight online and I can't even begin to go through my mess of cds - I wanted to give you "Good Friends", a duet with Joni and Michael McDonald of the Doobie Brothers, because it is so us. But instead, you get the other song - "You're a Friend of mine" by Clarence Clemons and Jackson Browne. The song is written for two men, but let's overlook that and boom, it's us. There is no other friend I feel so comfortable with and can never run out of things to say. We have been through so much and the fact that we can pick up like there wasn't hundreds of miles between us speaks volumes. I am so glad we never lost touch. So this one is for you, dudette.
Finally, I am sending you "Say You Will" by Fleetwood Mac because it's the best single of the new millenium, and it always puts a smile on my face and the line "it always seems to heal the wounds if i can get you to dance" just makes me smile. Best thing Stevie's done in 20 years. Check this bitch out.
So there it is peeps..... it's Thanksgiving and I am thankful for so much in my life that I take for granted. I have the job I wanted for years, a wonderful wife who loves me in spite of my fat, dysfunctional and weird self, beautiful, open-hearted, sweet children, dogs and a cat that love me, a family that I was born into that is, while sometimes really dysfunctional, still loves me and holds it together somehow, and then, my friends. This post is for my blogging family. As far as I know, it's just the three of you readers left, because I lost my counter password, but you are really important to me. I am thankful for you guys, and think you are the cat's ass and the bee's knees and the shit..... You are all wonderful and I am so thankful that we click so well and that we found each other - God works in mysterious ways - via Mr. Thorimbert and Rosie O'donnell, hey Margs and gang? I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving and hope you realize how special you all are to me.
And if this yousendit shit doesn't work, well, download the fucking songs yourself... LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Eurythmics musings, etc. (boring talk)

I can't believe the pile of albums released last week - the new Joni, the new Annie Lennox, the new Melissa, the new Chaka Khan, entitled "Funk This", the new Herbie Hancock album of Joni songs, entitled "River: The Joni Letters", the new Springsteen.... and I know there were more. I of course had "Shine" on a bootlegged copy from someone a while ago, but I picked up Herbie the day it was out. I haven't bought Melissa's last few because I haven't been entirely impressed with her album work for a while now. I know she's got it in her, but it's always just so politically correct and cliches and such... I don't know, maybe I should try this one. I will get the Annie Lennox too, because I have been a fan since I was 13. When I was a teenager, I bought every album the Eurythmics put out, and their Revenge is still one of my alltime favorites. Nothing makes you want to dance more than "Thorn in my Side". I loved Sweet Dreams, the whole album, especially "Love is a Stranger", which I think is a far superior track than the title track, because I just love those fucking synths.
And then Touch - OMG, is there a better song than "Here Comes the Rain Again?" Or a better video? That song has a special place in my heart. I also love Who's that Girl and Right by Your Side and Paint a Rumour. I even spent big money to buy the "Touch Dance EP", remixes of album cuts from that one.
And then came Be Yourself Tonight - A true classic. I admit that "Would I Lie to You" isn't my favorite. There is something just so beautiful about "There must be an Angel" with Stevie Wonder on harmonica, and of course the Aretha duet is on there, right when she was making her comeback with Who's Zoomin' Who. My favorite on there is "I love you like a Ball and Chain" - Damn that one rocks.
Revenge came out the same time as Madonna's True Blue - I bought them together. I love this album the most, I think - Missionary Man, Thorn in my Side, When Tomorrow Comes, The Last Time, Let's Go, Miracle of Love.... it is all gold.
Then Savage - wow, I was not prepared for the trilogy of Bethoven, I Need a Man, and You Have Placed a Chill in My Heart. Go to youtube, and watch the videos, with I Need a Man, Bethoven, and Chill, in that order.... they go together.... it will take you back.
Then there was... shit, what's it called.... the one with Angel and Don't Ask me Why...... I am too lazy to go downstairs and look. I loved King and Queen of America....
I even bought their greatest hits and live albums, and Peace, the reunion album, and paid big money back in the day for "In the Garden", their first album that wasn't released here.
For her solo stuff, I loved Diva and the next one, the one with all the covers..... what's it called... too lazy to look. Bare depressed me, so I wonder what this is like.
But that was a sidetrack. I am most looking forward to the Chaka album, and not just because she does a Joni cover on it (Ladies Man). Chaka is a Joni freak, and they are friends, but that's not why I want it. I want it because Chaka is the shit... the true shit. Funk it out bitch.
And let me throw this out to the universe - is there a better song than Paul Carrack's "Don't Shed a Tear?" I don't think so.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Blah blah blah, even Devo won't like this one

I feel like I could hurl. Seriously, before supper, I took this bite of leftover meatloaf and it's been stuck in my chest ever since. I still am sick and achy and it was a shitty day, but it ended up ok. When I put the kids to bed and read to them, I fell asleep, so I probably had an hour sleep already. But, it could be from my supposed ativan I took today. I had a dental appointment and I wasn't sure what he was going to do, so I took this powdery old pill from some Sharon gave me years ago, and it sort of worked, took the edge off, but maybe that's why I was so tired and achy. It was funny, because this woman I used to work with had a lot of personal problems so she was an ativan popping fool and was always stoned, and now she works in my building, in a new job, so I went to her office today and said "this might sound odd, but do you have any ativan on you?" LOL. If you all have any, please send me one of your refills. I am not joking either, ok? I prefer 1 mg, but .5 will do.....
So the dentist was fine, just an xray and told to come back in a month. He is convinced I need a root canal but wants to be sure. Then he called me "Chum" - "see you later, Chum" and I suddenly felt like I was back in 1987 all over again. How fucking odd.
I know what I am getting my wife for xmas, just found it on the internet, but I can't tell you because she might read this. Sucks to be you, I guess.
Oh, and my baby is staying in her class. That's a relief.
But fuck, it's just been a shitty week. I need to feel better. I really hope I don't hurl. As you know, I am not good at that sort of stuff. I have been too lazy to read Aug's brother's book, and just have been flipping through Jann's journal again, which is good until she gets to those ramblings about love and peace and light and all that bullshit I can't follow. If I ever start blogging "Love = Peace" and crap like that, you know I'm on 'shrooms or something.......
You know what my dentist does? They make you take off your shoes, and sanitize your hands. I had snot all over my frigging nose and was worried I'd be forced to inhale a Javex nasal bath.
OH, so, it's Walmart Anniversary sale time, and it's always such a good thing, with the same shit always on sale. However, it ends tomorrow, and I usually don't go this late. But I go today to get my 8 boxes of Tide HE, which are on for 5.97, instead of 8.77. I love the scent of Tide HE Powder, because it's really strong and makes my drawers smell like a little bit of heaven. However, I guess at this point of the sale, there ain't no fucking HE Powder left. And no blue downy left. And no fucking Kraft Dinner left, so I didn't even bother to see if the cheap phones were there. Like, supply the shit, ass-lickers! Of course, they had Charmin on sale still, but do you remember last year when I bought all that godforsaken Charmin at the sale and it plugged my toilet every time we'd flush a square bigger than corn pad? We had a whole debate about it in the staffroom last year, and people said Charmin is soft and thus doesn't break down like other paper, thereby making it clog our pipes with it's fluffy filth. So, I didn't buy into the hype this year. I mean, who wants a fucking plunger sitting next to the toilet? Nothing more embarassing than having to plunge everytime you drop a coily, I say.
So, Walmart, tomorrow is the last day of the sale and I will stop by right before I go to work, and if I don't see cases of KD and Tide HE powder, I will march into Zellers and see what they can do for me. Got it, bitch?
What else? I wish it was the weekend, but i better be feeling better better because we have a bd party to go to Sat. afternoon, a TG dinner Sat. night, a dinner Sunday night, and a friend, "Lolita", from Cowtown wants to have coffee this weekend, so, it will be busy.
Tomorrow the phone company is coming to install the personal recording device thingy, like tivo, on our tv, so I'll let you know if it sucks or if it is coolio.
Anyway, I am boring so I will go. Pray I am not up puking into a mixing bowl in a few hours....
Love and Light,

Tuesday, October 02, 2007


I love living in Saskatchewan because of these little things: Where else can you live where you just constantly run into people all over the province that you know? I was in Regina and visited some friends there, and ran into people I knew in the meantime, and then at my meeting was talking to someone from Estevan, 6 hours south of here, right on the border, and we knew like 4 people in common, and THEN we go to Saskatoon on the weekend to shop and I run into "Pooch" in Old Navy, someone I know from Regina in Fuddruckers, who said "didn't I see you in Regina the other day?" and then someone I work with in the same restaurant? This shit just doesnt happen elsewhere. And it's weird, these are both cities of 200,000 people or more, and whammo, we all know each other. Or maybe it's always just a coinkydink....

I mean nothing about the tony comment or the esther rolle comment, but they both sound wrong

I know I owe Margo the mother of all comments, but then she posted tonight, so I had to post relevantly on that one, and now I am too sick and tired to do her big one justice, so maybe tomorrow. Y'all want to know about the LLF story, and it will come, don't worry. I haven't even thought about it today, but I am going to formulate a letter to him and then maybe I'll run it off here first. However, I dont know if I rock the boat now or wait a month, and I'll explain that soon too. Just gimme a few days to get better so I can get this story done rationally and with enough background. When I was done last night, I went to bed and thought "if I tell this story, I will have to give the background on my family and who everyone is, so I'll have to first do a post saying "so and so is my sister born in this year, and then there is so and so...." LOL, where do you begin anything......
So not as crabby today but still sick. Had our parent council meeting tonight and we recruited people and had 11 as opposed to the usual 4. Me and the Mrs. signed on with a position this year, and it was all wonderful, but then we found out Kelly's class will be splitting. 9 will go into a 1-2 split, and we don't want her to go because we have always wanted her to have the teacher she has now, as we've known her for 20 years, and is a family friend, but if they take the smarter kids, we don't want her left with the mental defectives and such either. But she was so nervous and scared last year, and this year she is blossoming and loving it and now we get this thrown at us, so we have to go to the school and talk to the teacher I think, but tomorrow might not be good because I have the dentist so I might be medicated, but I am also worried because I cant breathe and am nauseated from this sinus thing or whatever, so I don't know what the fuck to do. So now I feel nervous about the whole school thing. Quit rolling your eyes Chunks.
In other news, I told you about my Groundhog's Day, but I forgot the icing on the cake. When we were hiking the other day, this dude rides by on a mountain bike in the middle of the fucking bush, and I say "Oh Hi Tony!" thinking it's this dude I know, and he's all 'what?' and I say "HI TONY!!" and he goes "I'm not Tony! That's my brother!" and so I feel like a loser and mumble, "Oh... you all look so much alike!" because I have seen all 4 boys in the family and they are identical, but what if I sounded racist, because Tony is Philipino? Oh, I feel like I am a living episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, except without the Larry David money.
I hear Jane Siberry changed her name to Issa, sold her possessions, and only releases mp3s to save on plastic waste. Let me just say this - fucking nutbag. True, I love "One More Color" and "Bound by the Beauty" but lets call a spade a spade - bitch is fucked up. What kind of humans do you think she knocks boots with? Those with ovaries or those with nuts? I wonder....
I also found out one of my closest friends has been harboring a secret. It seems her 1/2 brother, whom she has only met a few times, and who I met once, is a......... PERFORMANCE ARTIST. OMG, I googled him and almost pissed myself. Email me and I'll send you the link..... fucking priceless.
As for Good Times and Maude, I own seasons of both. Maude is one of my alltime favorites. I love that crazy bitch. Esther Rolle, who played Florida the maid, and Florida the mother, always makes me think of chocolate pudding because her face is so shiny and smooth, like pudding skin. Chunks, what channel you seeing this shit on?
Anyway, sorry for the pissing and moaning last night. I hate wasting away in shittyassville.....
Have a good hump day.

Monday, October 01, 2007

the shitty ass fucking week or so it's been

Fucking Linda Ronstadt or Warren Zevon or whoever wrote Poor Poor Pitiful Me ain't got nothin' on me, babe. I am just in a right pissy fucking mood, and I am getting crankier by the second. It's just been one of those weeks, and then the icing on the cake was this big mega fucking thing with my nephew LLF, who I am going to go postal on, but I promised myself I will not contact him, nor tell the story here, for at least 48 hours, because then the immediate anger and pissiness will subside and I can fuel a rational rage. Don't worry Chunks, I know you always want details, and they are forthcoming, but the story is so long that I don't even have the energy right now to start at the beginning. As I said, two days grace, which I think is a mighty fair thing. But right now, if I was to see him, I'd take a rusty steak knife, chop his pecker off and shove it in his ear to try and fill the obvious holes in his irresponsible, selfish brain. I actually was going to just let him have it tonight, but it's complicated because I don't want to hurt his mom, who is caught in the middle of this, and who I made bawl tonight when I asked her what was happening and anyway, oh, I could fucking scream... but 2 days, and I am sticking to it, so let's see how mad I am then.... something tells me nothing will have changed though........
In stupider news - I am sick. Really sick. Head and chest cold and it's really bad, on and off sorta fever and aches and stuff, but it's almost a relief. Let me backtrack. I can't remember if I said about 10 days ago that I had the shits really bad. Well, I did. Me and middle daughter were shitting up a storm and I was tired and achy, but whatever, it was just a mild tummy bug. So then my shit finally turns a nice solid form, which is always lovely, but I still feel tired. So then on Wednesday, I have to go to Regina for a meeting for work that afternoon, and then on Thursday have a meeting there all day for that committee i am on for a particular corporation. Well, oldest daughter immediately weeps that I am going away. She doesn't remember how in my old job I would travel all the time, so when I go now she weeps. Well, so she weeps on Tuesday, on Wed. when I drop her at school, Wed. night, Thursday, has a horrible sleep and stays home from school - it was traumatic..... quit rolling your eyes Chunks. Anyway, so I am feeling shitty about that but I am also so tired still, and achy and look like shit. So I am sitting in my fancy smanchy hotel room, too tired to do anything but lay in bed, and at one point I look in the mirror and say aloud "holy fuck, what is WRONG with me?" because I can't figure out why I am so tired and achy for so long, and suddenly think I have some terminal disease or something. And then after sleeping a full 8 hours, which I haven't done in 7 years, I still drag my ass around. But then, I realize I have a sore throat, and figure out that "oh, I am just getting a major cold!" and this makes me so happy because I am not dying, I just have bad luck and have two things wrong with me in 2 weeks. I tell ya, I take my thrills where I can get them! Anyway, wifey-poo gets the shits in my absence, so she is battling the stomach thing all weekend, and I am moaning around like someone chopped my frigging knackers off or something, so it's quite the sight. Right now, eldest daughter is coughing and sputtering and the joy keeps on giving. The icing on the cake was that we went for a hike on Sunday in the woods, which we did last week as well. But this week, I am just sick as hell, and we were with my brother and sister in law and their kids, and so we stop on this hill to have a snack, and while everyone sits and eats, I just collapse on a heap on the ground and curl into a ball.... I'm like Paris fucking Hilton or something.
So, I feel like shit, the nephew is just consuming my brain with anger, I am feeling sorry for my sister, and everything is making me want to punch the wall.......
Oh, and my life is like the movie Groundhog's Day (which I hated btw): Remember when I said I fell in Sobey's a few weeks back? Well, I forgot to tell you that it happened again! Last Monday, I think, I was in there to get a steak and some spuds for a BBQ, since it's been so damn hot here the past few weeks. Well, I get my stuff but remember I forgot to get bread or something, so I go marching with purpose and voila, suddenly I feel myself slipping and soon I am doing this slow motion fall, and end up flat on my ass, somehow squishing the T-Bone in my basket, and of course since it was such a sudden, bad fall, I just let rip a big old "FUCK!" and of course, nobody saw again, so I can't even sue the bastards. But there was water all over the floor, or something. Fucking wankers. I hate that stupid ass place. Note to Save-On Foods - get your asses to Saskatchewan asap. So THEN, yesterday, we are at my brother and sister in-laws for supper, after I lounged on their couch after the hike, too lazy to move, and since I was having computer/router issues at home, asked if I could use their computer to pay some bills. So off I go down their stairs, and suddenly whammo, I am falling down the fucking stairs, landing with a fucking thud on their cement floor, swearing through muted words, as I knocked the wind out of me. Now, it's fair to say I slipped on laundry thrown down the stairs, but I was still freaked and went "OMG, I have MS or something!" because who slips twice in two weeks? So then I look in their mirror and see this red rashy bruise type skid mark on my upper back, middle back, lower back, and then the piece de resistance is my arse, which looks like a fucking map of Canada done in red. So you know me, I am in their living room with my pants half down saying "I'm sorry, but you have to see this". Fuck, it still burns.
And what else.... let me think.... Well, I am sure there is more. OH! This is funny: So I am on the phone with my sister after work, discussing the latest about LLF, which my wife said to follow up on because my sister was on the phone with him when she got home and said something was happening, but then I get this whole STORY and she starts crying, so I am trying to shut everyone up here so I can hear, and the doorbell rings in the midst of this and the dogs go apeshit and it's this politician campaining for the supposed upcoming election here and so I check it out while talking to my sister and he's all "so do you think we need a change?" and I throw the phone down and say "actually, NO, we are NDP supporters in this house but good luck" and get rid of him and then I always feel guilty but the Mrs. said I wasnt rude and "I AM a government employee" so I feel vindicated for sending Mr Conservative to the curb. But then my sister is telling me more so I go into the bedroom to listen to what she is saying because the dogs, who we threw into the garage when the doorbell went, are freaking out, and dear Rachel comes in and is saying something to me to tell her but she doesn' t know the whole story now, or that sister is crying, so I am motioning to her to "tell the dogs to shut the fuck up" and apparently she thinks I am telling HER to "shut the fuck up" so she throws the election guy's brochure thingy at me, so after I get off the phone I am all "wtf"? and we realize our misunderstanding....
So really, that's the day it's been.. the week it's been.... the 2 weeks it's been.....
Anyway, I better go deal with coughing child.......
have a good day....