Saturday, October 02, 2010

To Steal from Gwen Stefani, this shit is bananas....

Good evening peoples. What a week. Let me begin with a product rant, that will end up sounding anti-Walmart. I am sure I posted a number of years ago about my issues with Charmin toilet paper. I know, I know, how dare I? Well, because of Mr. Whipple, I really, really wanted to like it. Indeed, when, 20 years after those damn commercials castigating us not to squeeze the Charmin, it FINALLY because available in Canada, I was quite pumped, thinking I was going to wipe my ass with, I dunno, something akin to a sponge. Alas, it turned out to be just toilet paper. On the roll, it does feel soft and thick, but on my delicate arse, it doesn't feel any better than Royalle. But I digress. My REAL issue with Charmin is that it plugs the fucking shitter EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU FLUSH. Seriously. You could just use a tiny square to blow your nose or to squish a little spider, delicately throw it in your toilet, and flush, and BOOM, it will lodge in your toilet's throat like a chicken bone.
This was a lesson it took me a long while to learn. It all comes down to the annual Walmart "Birthday" or Anniversary or whatever they call it. Each year, they have 2 weeks where they have this frigging "He-Na-Na-Ho-Ho-He-Na" or whatever Susan Agulkark would call it - a big old celebration sale where they ALWAYS have the same things on sale for freakishly cheap prices: Tide products, Downey, Charmin, Folger's Coffee, Mennen Speed Stick, and Cheerios. They have lots more for sale, but these are the things I pay attention to. WELL. For many years, I would go to this sale, fill my cart with all that shit, and come home and spend the next two months plunging my toilet each time someone used more than half a square to wipe their hootchies.
Well, my friends, you would be proud of me. I've finally abandoned the Walmart birthday sale. First, I can't use that bullshit Charmin - I swear, I almost had to break out my fucking toilet snake after the last sale, so that's off the list. Second, the Tide products have evolved from ALL Tide products on sale to just mostly Liquid Tide on sale. As hard as I try, Liquid Tide is only good for my darks. You see, with 4 active kids, our clothes are usually covered in stains like grass, dirt, blood, poop, tomato sauce, chocolate milk, etc., and with Liquid Tide products, that shit does NOT disappear. The only thing that works is powdered Tide with Bleach. Sorry, but it's true. Yes, I know, that shit isn't HE, but it's been 7 years and my washer hasn't died, so whatever. Anyway, since that's what I really need, I gave up running to the sale and buying 6 bottles of Tide liquid that doesn't do sweet buggar all.
As well, I don't really care WHAT kind of coffee I use, as long as it isn't dark roast. As I only have to make coffee on the weekends, because I don't have time in the mornings to make coffee at home on weekdays, I don't really NEED the Folger fix. I buy coffee at work or at Tim's during the week. As for Speedstick, I have but two arms, and if I have to spend an extra dollar on deoderant, well, that ain't gonna break the bank, because what, I buy like 5 or 6 sticks a year? Keep my 6 dollars, Mennen people. Also, Walmart mainly carries anti-persparent, not deodarent, and I can't remember why, but many years ago I boycotted anti-persparent because it causes something - cancer or Alzheimers or birth defects or plugged glands or liver failure or something. I really don't remember, but it had something to do with aluminum. Anyway, because of that, I buy my arm charm from Shopper's mostly anyway. Who needs Walmart!
Finally, I have nowhere to store 14 boxes of Cheerios. It becomes more of a pain in the ass than anything.
But then the other day I ran into Safeway. And they had ALL the frigging Walmart stuff on sale too. True, they had ALL Tide products on sale, so I bought 2 boxes of Tide with Bleach and one of the Coldwater Tide (I don't wash in Cold, but I like the smell of that shit), and 2 boxes of multi-grain cheerios, and then, when I was getting cat food, I spotted Charmin. REALLY cheap. So I bought it.
Fuck me Dorothy.
This was yesterday. I've used the plunger THREE times today. It's like flushing pelts of velvet. NEVER LET ME BE TAKEN IN BY A SALE! NEVER!!!!
I'm amost scared to poop now.
Ok, rant over.
Oh good Lord, do I have a story to tell. The question is, do I have the energy and the skill to tell the whole thing, complete with background info? I always fall apart at the background stuff. Hmmmm...... should I try? Ok, I will. If it doesn't work out, I'll just publish and try to fix it in the mix, as the rapppers say.

Ok, for the background info. You see, Rachel, my darling wife, is one of those magnetic personalities. Oh, she'd deny it, because of her own poor self-esteem, but she's one of those people that people flock to. She's what you would call a "popular" person. While I am one of those people that other people will exclaim about with the words "I never KNEW you were so funny/cool/great" once they get to know me, which basically says "you look like a big dud on the surface until you get to know you", my wife is of the variety that radiates "I want to be your friend/husband/maidservant", even if she is too neurotic to believe it. But she's one of those. She has horrible self esteem, but believe you me, she's one of those people that other's are drawn to. Let me tell you, she's a big ego boost, because I can tell that she's always being checked out, and I have the joy to silently say "Enjoy the looks, Ponyboy, but she's coming home with me!" Anyway, people are drawn to her. She is too self-conscious to realize that, but it's true.
So anyway, it's not really a surprise to me that she is pursued for friendship by other women. Of course, she doesn't really LIKE other women all that much - she's always leary of women at work, because they tend to be slightly catty and bitchy. When I was talking the other day about these two women at my work who were bitching about each other, and said "I'll never understand you women" she said "don't lump me in with them!"
Anyway. I don't know if I've mentioned before someone I'll call..... Patsy. Patsy is the mother of these kids that are the ages of 3 of my 4 kids. Patsy's daugher is in my second daughter's class, and her other daugher just started kindergarten with my third daugher, and her son is like 8 months older than MY son. Patsy also lives about 3 blocks away.
We met Patsy early last spring, when she called to see if my daugher #2 wanted to have playdate with her daugher. We were ecstatic, because our girl was shy and we weren't sure if there were any kids in her class that would be good to be friends with - as I have said before, our neighborhood is of two extremes - the well off, and the dirt poor, and we were looking for kids our kids could play with that we knew weren't going to be kicked out of their rental homes because of nits or whatever. LOL, that sounds horrible, but you know what I mean.
Anyway, daughter #2 became friends with her kid, and since daugher #3 and her other daughter are the same age, they too began playing together. Finally, with young sons, they too began playing. You see, when daughter #2 would have a playdate, the whole fam-damily would show up and hang out for the playdate. Thus, Patsy and clan would be hanging out. It was a little odd, but it was fine, since the kids got time with kids their age, and since they were neighborhood kids, that was a bonus- some neighborhood kids bus to the French Immersion school - Rachel and I are seriously anti-immersion, so finding local kids is a bonus. ANYWAY. Patsy's kids have called and will say "can we come over" and instead of just the kid who called coming over, all THREE will come, with Patsy. We really don't mind, because when we moved into the neighborhood, there were NO real families with kids that we knew of, and now we have a little network, and it's really nice. But Patsy would come, and while she's perfectly nice, we still don't really know her. We can make small talk, but in the past 6 months of knowing her, we know nothing other than that her kids like peanut butter and honey sandwiches, they like to camp at the same lake we go to, and that she belongs to this weekly group hosted by a church in our community called... let's call it "Mother's A.M. Away", which meets once a week, where the mom's have coffee and visit and listen to a speaker or do a craft while the kids are babysat in a nursery. ANYWAY. Patsy really wants Rachel to go to this thing with her, even though Rachel doesn't like the church that hosts this thing, and since Rachel works 3 days a week, the two days she is home, she WANTS to be with her kids and doesn't want to hear some speaker. Since Patsy is a stay at home mom, she doesn't begrudge her this weekly thing, but she just doesn't get that the weekly meeting isn't something she wants to go to. Patsy goes to the gym each morning and the kids go to the gym sitter. Anyway.
Patsy has taken a shining to Rachel. She wants to hang out with her, and Rachel has spent time with her this summer, since the kids are the same age and they are a good family, and yada yada. However, while Patsy is nice, we don't really know much about her or them. We have no idea, say, of what her hobbies are, or what music she likes or what movies she likes or what tv shows she likes, or what her politics are, or her religion,if any, or who her family is, or whatever. She came here once with her hubby, and I couldn't get a read of him either. Anyway, she's nice, but we don't know much about her. Except that she's earnest. Once, she asked Rachel to go to the pool with her and her kids. Rachel said yes, and to call her. Well, Rachel was outside, spraying the kids with sunscreen, when Patsy called to go. Patsy then said "if she isn't going to answer, let's just drive there and see her" and they showed up on the doorstep. Rachel explained why she didn't hear the phone, they all went to the pool, and when Rachel later told the kids to come get sprayed with sunscreen, Patsy was all "I thought you said you sprayed them already" and Rachel had to stumble "yes, but then the phone rang...."
Anyway, it was unnerving. And THEN, let's fast forward to yesterday.
No, let's fastforward to last weekend. It was their son's birthday. His third. They invited us to the party, but when the weekend rolled around, we were busy. So we missed it. So then, the second the party ended, the other kid called and said "why weren't you at Mason's party?" And Rachel was all "we were at the lake, helping my dad take the boat out, and didn't get home in time." Well, her sister and bro in law helped her dad do that ,so we seconded the exuse.
Anyway. We were all "WTF!?" but whatever.
Flash forward to yesterday. Patsy asked Rachel a few weeks ago if we could babysit Mason today. We said yes, and she called yesterday at noon to remind us.
Yesterday at about 4:00, they called. The oldest kid asked if "we can come over". I forgot to mention, whenever they want to play they ALL come over. Not kid #1, but ALL of them. 3 kids, the mom, and one time the dad. It's stressful. So I lied. I said "sorry, kid #2 and kid #3 aren't home." SHe goes "where are they" and I think "FUUUCK" and say "they went with their mom to visit their grandma, but if they come home early enough, they'll call you." Good enough, no?
Well, Rachel gets home, I tell her my lie, and then at about 5:00, the phone rings and it's Rachel's dad, saying "these 2 kids and their mom came to our door for kid #2." You see, they showed up at a garage sale my inlaws had in the spring, and since my inlaws have a playground directly behind their house, they knew where they lived. So Rachel is freaking out and long story short, in order to preserve the lie into truth, she throws all the kids, along with two neighbor kids, into the van, to go to the playground just to say that we indeed did go to grandma's house.
Well, two hours later, she comes home, after visiting with Patsy and Liza, our friend and neighbor, at the playground.
Apparently, Liza and her daugher Angelou, were walking on the river path, and stopped at the playground, and she saw Patsy and her kids there. Liza and Patsy met at our house before, and Liza knew how unconventional the whole situation was, with the whole family coming over. Anyway, Liza later said it felt like she was imposing on Patsy by talking to her. She said Patsy kept glancing back at Rachel's parents' house, and she almost said "that's where Rachel's parents live." Anyway, finally Rachel goes there and walks to the playground and sees these people and I guess Patsy got all happy and said "there's the person we know!" and Rachel played all dumb and was all 'hi! My dad said somebody came to the door - we had some stops to make first" and then they visited, and when Patsy finally left, Rachel told Liza the whole story and she thought it was as weird as we did.
My wife gave me major shit for lying.
We also have to have major excuses really for when Patsy wants to come over when we don't want them to.
Is it just us, or is the whole thing freaky??
I started to text Chunks "the most assinine thing just happened" but I didn't have the energy to explain in 118 characters.... damn texting limits!
Oh good Lord, Home to Go or Stay or whatever it's called is on right now, you know, the show with Peter Fallico. It's an old one, where he has short hair and looks normal. The newer ones, on the other hand, have a shaggy-haired Fellico, and he looks crazy - almost murderous. I can't watch those ones.
Oh, and let me say, it's been quite the week. Remember last week, when I posted that I didn't know why I was so tired? WELL, it was because I was sicker than hell but didn't realize it until Wednesday night. I stayed home from work on Monday, because I had a cold and was so tired, and on Wednesday, I was driving the kids somewhere and thought "OMG, I just wanna pull over and sleep on the side of the road" and was all panicked that something major was wrong with me. WELL. I get home later, glance at my throat, which is really hoarse, and see it is covered in spots. They were everywhere - I could TOUCH them with my fingers without gagging. SO Thursday afternoon, I go to the doctor, where I wait over two hours to get in, and he says "this sure is bad, how long have you been sick" and I said "ummmm, a week ago?" and he looks at me like I'm simple for not coming in sooner. Anyway, I am on pills for that, but I am also on pills for my buggered up heel. I can't remember if I posted about it last week, but let me say I am half-crippled with this thing.
Anyway, I better get to bed. I am trying to finish "Under the Banner of Heaven", but there is this loooong chapter on something that happened almost 200 years ago, and I am having a hard time giving a shit. I wonder if I could just skip the damn chapter.
Anyway, a leftover piece of chipotle chicken pizza is calling my name, so I'll yak at all y'all later.
Peace out.