Wednesday, October 09, 2013

Frommers ain't got nothin on me...

Wowza! You can finally use blogger on an iPad? We are no longer in Kansas anymore, Dorothy... or Toto... Or whatever (The Wizard of Oz has always creeped me out, what with those tin men and talking scarecrows and little people and those fucked up shoes, not to mention that the fucking movie was longer than mother-fucking ROOTS - forgive me if I don't know the proper reference).
Anyway, I've got two posts I really want to do, one describing last weekend, which is comical, and one introspective, that might turn out to be a big bore, but tonight I am just posting to give advice to HeartinHand, otherwise known as Rox or Chunks or whatever the hell she's going by at the moment - bitch changes names more than Prince. ANYWAY, the lil gal is heading off to Disneyland tomorrow, and so I said I would email her some tips, but since she's always kvetching about my lack of blog posts, I said I'd just post my tips here - giving the people what they want. So, I apologize - if you aren't planning an immediate trip to the Walt's Holy Land, you may wanna skip this.
Also, lil Roxette is feeling a tad anxious about flying, so I'm hoping she pulls this page up before take-off and focuses on it during the flight. As usual, I gave her shit for not getting some tranquilizers beforehand, but you know these stubborn self-help people- never believe that sometimes a good doping is ok and not a symbol of cosmic failure, but nobody ever listens to me, so I'm here to talk her off the ledge.
Now breathe, lil friend. You are fine on the plane. You got your big daddy next to you, and if you feel panicky? Just run to the shitter. It's all good. To keep busy, make notes about all your flight mates and let us know how weird they are.
Ok, did that keep you busy for the 3 hours or whatever? Have you landed yet? Good. So let's begin.
That happiest place on earth can be a real hell-hole without a plan, which you refuse to entertain. God bless you, lil buddy. First thing you need to do is to make sure that you arrive at the main frigging entrance. We stayed on-sight, at the Disneyland Hotel, thinking it would be so much easier. Fuck that shit. We arrived at dusk, and got up the next morning thinking we'd just throw the doors open and be romping with life sized mice and princesses and have bubbles blown up our asses. Well.  Little did we know that we'd have to trek through this frigging maze called Downtown Disney for a good 20 minutes before we reached the fucking gates. We were walking by stores and bars and shit and I kept thinking "I don't remember this as a kid" until we finally reached the entrance. Turns out that while we paid the big bucks to be on sight, half of the hotels on Katella were just a quick jaunt to the gates, without the stress of dragging kids through this damned Downtown Disney maze. So make sure you go to the entrance and not get sucked into Downtown when you arrive.
Once you get inside, people are all freaky and want you to take their pics. Just do it. Then, you need a plan of how you will attack this place. They key is to be there when the gates open. Do all you can first thing. People fucking race. We missed that damned Nemo submarine every day because it was always an hour wait, even shortly after it opened. You snooze, you lose. Next, figure out Fast Pass. It's a way of jumping in line on certain rides. You hate rides? Me too, but some you gotta do, or what the fuck is the point of the whole thing? You guys will love it or hate it. With four kids, we drank the Kool Aid. Without kids? I don't fucking know what you will think.
Rides you gotta do: haunted house, Pirates, splash mountain, the Matterhorn - these are all in Disneyland. Over in California Adventure, you gotta do a Bugs Life - really cool. And Soaring Over California. Just trust me.
Food sorta sucks, but I hear the restaurant at the Grand Californian is the be all and end all of haute cuisine.
As I warned you, Anaheim is sorta a shithole. If you have time, get to downtown LA and go to the Farmers a Market or Olivera Street or Hollywood. Your closest beach, where you can almost avoid all freeway is Huntington Beach. There's the Bolsa Chica State Park beach first, which is really nice and quieter. Hang there, and then drive a few miles to HB main beach by the peer. Full of surfers and buskers and a farmers market on Friday and just really cool. If you go north you are in Long Beach and can see the Queen Mary. South is Newport Beach and Laguna Beach, but they seemed more stuck up.
Be prepared to get the runs driving on the freeway, especially the I 5 from Anaheim to SD. Fucking hell. Fucking hell.
Disney outlet in nearby Fullerton, and one in Vegas, and you can save a pile on gifts.
Finally, keep an eye and nose out for night blooming jasmine. If you smell this overpowering perfume in the air, that's it. It's my obsession. I need to get a plant back here. Google it. It's supposed to bloom until Oct so I hope you smell it. I will save my tips on LA to Vegas until later - this is enough to keep you going. Text if you have questions. Have fun and get your head outta the vacation and just have a blast!
Nite peeps,