Sunday, September 28, 2008

We are looking at a house on Monday. One we can't exactly afford, really. And it's the one we looked at in the spring, which I think I may have posted here, and you all said we'd be crazy because it needed too much work. But to reiterate, we love our house, but we have always said the only reason we'd ever move is if we could get a house on one certain street, which is a street right behind us. OR if we found a house with 4 bedrooms up. This is both on that certain street where nothing opens up, and has 4 bedrooms up. The main floor has 600 more square feet than we have now. That means no kids will have to eventually move to the basement. And we'd be facing the river, which is beautiful. But where we are now is perfect. It needs no work. We are spoiled. The house is like 6 years old that we are in. Completely finished except for the basement bathroom. Hardwood and ceramic tile upstairs. Maple cupboards. Big Pantry. Heated garage. Basement with heated tile floor. 3 bedrooms up, two down, 3 bathrooms. A yard we made beautiful.
But we are next door to a 500 square foot rental. We can see the river from the back windows, but that's still not the real deal as looking out on it. The street this other house is on is prime real estate. If someone had say 50 grand, it would increase in value like you wouldn't believe, if it just could be fixed up. This other house has a backyard that I swear is at least an acre of land. But we don't want to be house poor. We love our next door neighbors. My sister lives across the street. Our close friends are directly behind us. On the other hand, we'd still be in walking distance, down the riverbank path, to here. The kids wouldn't change schools. It would be quiet. The house next door to that one is probably a 600,000 dollar affair, so there is no danger of riff-raff. But can we live in a work in progress for years when now we need nothing? I doubt we could afford this place. But it is sticking in our craws. We thought it sold. So when we saw it in the paper with an open house the other day, we both got excited. Then we realized after a few hours that we were looking at LAST night's paper, and the open house was missed. My wife said "call the realtor", which is something she would never say. We can't stop thinking about it. Not to go all Pat Boone on you, but I am leaving it to God - if we are meant to be in this house, we will be, plain and simple, and he'll make it happen and lead us in the right direction. I believe all that hokiness I just typed. Because our last two houses fell in our laps. So if this is meant to be, it will to. And if not, we'll know it. And since the Mrs. is on Mat. leave, I don't know if they'd approve us for a new mortgage anyway. So we'll leave it with God.
I am also really distracted and upset this weekend. I've mentioned my Dr. here before and how I used to babysit his kids and how we've had this relationship with his family for 20 years. Well, there was a horrible crash on the highway the other day - two of his nephews perished in it, and it was a horrible crash, and they are such a close-knit family, it breaks my heart for them. I remember those boys when they were young. So when I heard on Friday afternoon, I was in shock, and then at work I sort of got a lump in my throat I couldn't swallow away because how do you bury two of your sons? They are a close family, an ultra-religious evangelical family, and I don't know how this tests someone's faith. And then I keep thinking that I am so angry that my 73 year old mother died, and then feel guilty and selfish because now they will bury their 2 young sons..... Anyway, shout out a prayer for all of them if you are the praying sort.
And my sister came over tonight and told me of a dream she had about mom. They were on the phone and mom said "I have three things to say to you - Bye bye, take care of Dad, and thank you for the baby" (which she took to mean MY baby). And as this is my sister who is a devout Christian who normally wouldn't share a dream like that, it sort of shook me today. Did I tell you about when we were deciding what song to put the funeral picture slideshow to? Well, nobody had any idea, so I said there were two I wanted for mine. I suggested "In My Life", the Beatles song, but the Judy Collins version. My sibs listened and liked it but I said there was also "Life is Eternal" by Carly Simon which I also wanted. So my sister came over and I put it on, and maybe one minute in the song, my stereo's volume shot up to full blast, like almost blowing the speakers. The remote was in the kitchen drawer and none of us were by the dial. We never all debriefed about it. I just said "weird, mom likes that one!" but now that I think about it, it gives me the willies in a way.
Anyway. I think this must be the most boring post. So I guess I'll go to bed.
Just finished Survivor. I loved me that old annoying lady. Ah well, they are all so stupid. The Japanese guy is such a dork. The gay guy who is in love with the doctor is so retarded. I dunno, it's a real strange bunch they have this time.
Anyway, holla.

Friday, September 26, 2008


Thursday, September 25, 2008

Ok, so don't mention Survivor. We got through 20 minutes and the Mrs. fell asleep so we will have to finish it tomorrow night. But from what I saw, I admit that I would totally be hanging out with the annoying old lady. True, I wouldn't be eating the fucking elephant dung like she suggested, but that's just the type I'd click with. Yeah, she's annoying as all hell, but you know, so am I. I liked Sugar's pendant. That bald dude looks completley annoying. The gay guy is so obnoxious I think they should throw him under a rock.
Speaking of annoying gay people, G'Aiken came out. Tell me, is there anyone uglier or creepier than Clay Aiken? Come on peoples, that's just hideous. And you know, how WONDERFUL he is now a father! I am so happy he was able to adopt. Because there is SUCH a surplus of healthy newborns kicking around. WHy, I don't know of anyone who could possibly take one!
Argh, that annoys me. Somehow ugly creepy sex-scandal plagued AIken is able to adopt while hardworking two-parent homes without sex scandals, plastic surgeries, or an unnatural fondness for doll houses, tulle, covergirl cover up, and decorating bunt cakes cannot adopt, or are placed on waiting lists for years. Where is the justice? And I mean, I don't care if Baby Mama was some 14 year old back-water hillbilly with three teeth and an IQ of 60 - you don't get your baby bought by Clay fucking AIKEN. I'd love to shove the crack pipe up her arse and strangle the nuts of off baby daddy with his wife beater. And I mean, I know that many celebs get their babies dubiously. But this isn't like Michael Jackson, who actually MARRIED his baby mama - I mean, it is the same old story with him. Rich, white-looking Black man saunters into the Dentist's office in Studio City, all 84 lbs of swagger and masculine virility. Hygenist takes one look at his putty nose beneath the mask, and glances at his sequined socks, and tells him later, while they are smoking a cigarette and sipping Jesus Juice in bed, with a New Kids on the Block Calendar, a tube of Vaseline, and a turkey baster on the nighttable, "you had me at hello".
Nope, G'Aiken ain't nothin' like that.
What else.... what else...... HEY, am I just retarded or what? It wasn't until Kid Rock's annoyingly catchy "All Summer Long" that I realized that "Werewolves of London" and "Sweet Home Alabama" are like the same riff or whatever. Damned if I ever noticed it before.
HEY! I posted a whole bunch of Stevie shit the other night, from a PBS performance this year. She is outstanding and in top form at 60. Anyway, she performed "How Still My Love" from Bella Donna, which came out in 81, and which I said I got right when we moved, and it was the album that was sort of my best friend for 2 years. Well, I just found her RECORDING the song in 81 if you care.
Wow, just found this recent one with Stevie and Lindsey - I wonder how his wife handles the chemistry between them. You sort of want to cry for them when you watch this:
Fuck me gently with Nell Carter, it's 12:30 - I gotta get to bed.
TGIF! Holla at cha Boyz.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Ok, I lied, this is fucking MAGIC. I am in grade 8 again, when I was obsessed with this album...
60 years old and in top form. I am not scared of aging anymore.

Last post - this was the best surprise - I fucking LOVE DMB and this song.... best yet!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

edge of 17
If you have 10 minutes... the best fucking version ever.... goddamn, 60 years old and still rocking.... look what kicking coke can do.

How still my love 2008
I got this album for Xmas in 1981, when I was 11, 6 weeks after I moved here. A really horrid time in my life. The worst time ever. And then I got Bella Donna. And I know every word and note on it, and all the liner notes, down to the backup singers and photographers. And it got me through that time.
And this is one of my favorite moments on that record. And it sounds even better with Stevie at 60 years old, 27 years later.... Enjoy

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Just saw Sandra Bernhardt on Project Runway. Man, bitch is botoxed up. It's like someone took an iron to her face. And they had to do a plug for her, saying she will be touring with her one-woman show "Without You I'm Nothing." Uh... hello... hasn't she been doing that since 1987? I used to think she was so funny - I loved her on Letterman. Then she sarting hanging with Madonna and pretended that they were knocking boots, which I am pretty sure didn't happen, according to her brother, who said Sandy was a real downer and a negative bitch. Anyway, she got too full of herself then. Anyway, she was so full of herself, it is laughable. What next, resurrecting Grace Jones? I can't imagine what she'd look like now.
As you can tell, I am not exactly down tonight. Go figure. I think I am too exhausted for that. Although I've had this Michael Pagliaro song in my head for the past two days, not sure what it's called, the one that goes "Rain, rain, rain, shower...." Seriously, I can't get rid of it and I think it is what made me extra melancholy yesterday, because for some reason, the three songs I know of his make me sad.
Anyway, someone is awake, so I'll run. Happy Monday.

Listening to Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" isn't the smartest thing to do when you are on the verge of breaking down all night.... keep that in mind. You know you do the same thing - you know you shouldn't listen to a song because of what it is going to do to you but it goes through your head over and over and then you break down and listen to it, and you wail your pain out and sob into your hands and none of it really makes you feel any better like you think it will if you let it out, so it's just useless. So remember that next time you get the urge to rub salt in the wound, or razorblades in the eyes or whatever cliche you want to use. Just sayin' is all.
Yeah, I'm not ok tonight. And that's actually ok, I guess. It's been a really hard weekend, almost harder than all the rest so far in this nightmare. Yesterday and today we had a yard sale and sold my parents' stuff, since Dad is in a retirement home. Now everything is gone, the unsold stuff carted off to Value Village. And I'm empty. It's really the end of all of it. Usually when a parent dies, the other one keeps living in the same place, or at least keeps the stuff. But for us, boom, everything is gone, the phone number you've known for 25 years is soon to be cut off, you'll never call there again, or see those walls again, or sit at that table again, or drink coffee out of their cups again, or whatever. And I get so fucking annoyed when people give you the whole "it's just stuff, it's not them" but it IS part of them. AND her stuff mattered to her. She was proud of her stuff. And her clothes... it was so hard as I hung them up and I could smell her so clearly as I hung up her coats. And that's all gone now. So I just am having trouble dealing tonight. I'd say I get through fine most days. Probably 70% of the time, I'm ok. But then there are the nights. I dread evening. And that's not ok. I dunno, maybe I just need to be sad and weepy tonight and get it out and maybe this sale and shit will be closure in a way. I hate that word closure. There never is closure for anything, be it a death, or a lost friendship, or a breakup, or whatever. You always have regrets and hurts and good memories and all of that. Closure is just a bullshit word for annoying social workers.
And I am annoyed at myself that the only thing that got me out of weepsville tonight was my anger at two people in my family. Focusing on that got me out of the dumps for a while. I hate that I am like that. And I will fill you in on all of that later - it's too late tonight to get into it because it takes forever to explain.
And my 3 oldest kids are having restless sleeps - in the past 1.5 hours, all three of them have been up. I can't relax.
Ok, there, maybe I'll feel a bit better now. Sometimes I just need to let it out and this seems to be the place to do it. And I am not walking around all mopey all the time, which this might seem like. But tonight is really fucking hard. And I am so sad, and angry and mental. But tomorrow is another day, where I will get to hang out with my kids and do some fun stuff and enjoy myself too. And it's so weird to walk in both worlds, you know? And I think I am also freaked out so bad too because my friend, a former coworker who I still see all the time, went through the same thing this week, in much the same way. So it's all a little too close to home right now.
On a totally different note, I bought that Valerie Bertinelli book last night on impulse. I was actually embarassed to buy it because of the stupid Jenny Craig type title, but I can't put it down. She's so damn real and down to earth. I recommend it.
Anyway, believe it or not, I feel better. Wow, I am not used to writing my misery. But now I will be ok tonight, I think. Whoa, gonna go to bed while the goin's good.
Take care of yourselves, peoples.... talk soon.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Probably the most pathetic post ever

Ok, yeah, so I am glum tonight. It's weird, when I get glum, I decide to babble here. Seriously, I am not spending all my days sitting around and moping, but it just works out that I am here when I do feel a little sorry for myself. Maybe because it was 4 weeks ago tonight that we lost mom. That's a month. A lunar cycle (I dunno if it is, but it's gotta be close). Whatever the reason, I am feeling blue. First, earlier in the week ,I was second-guessing everything still about not demanding that we hook her to every machine and do whatever we could. And I still think we should have in hindsight, just to hopefully get her coherent to state her wishes. But, too late for regret now, I guess. But it's something that I will take to the grave because no matter what family and doctors and you people and everyone else say, I know in my heart I should have refused and demanded they do something. I know it in my heart. And don't try to rationalize it to me because I knew it at the time, but I didn't say anything because I was just too tired to deal. But anyway, dealing with that.
Tonight we finally had daughter #2's family birthday party. Her 5th birthday was in July, but because it happened when mom got sick, her family party didn't happen. Poor thing - she told my mother in law a couple weeks ago that "my birthday cake is still in the freezer, you know!". So we had everyone here and had snacks and cake and coffee and she got enough Hannah Montana shit to choke a fucking horse. Good times. It was also glaringly apparent that my mother wasn't here, so it was hard to deal. When I was in the tub, I asked the birthday girl if she had fun and she said yes, but "it's sad that grandma couldn't come" and again sadness and regret. And I don't mean to be a downer. I am just free-form writing what I feel right now. Because tonight is difficult. I don't know why, but it is. And I feel the compulsive urge to write a summary of every day of her illness, because I don't want to forget any of it. I don't know why. Is that sick?
And weirdly, I had these creepy things happen. First, I last night, at 3:30 am we were woken up by somebody's panic alarm in a car going off. We were sure it was our car ,but by the time we got out of bed and found our keys it stopped. Which is what our car does, the horn goes for one minute or something and it stops. Not 100 percent sure it was ours, but sounded like it. Weird thing is, our keys were in the kitchen drawer, so there was no reason for the alarm to go off. Then tonight, I was showing my brother in law some stuff in the garage and he's like "is your van door locking?" because we could here in the driveway the beep of our door lock thing going off. So then I got creeped out thinking it's mom trying to freak me out or tell me something or whatever. So I am creeped out.
Anyway, enough of all that, I vented and it's all good.
Kathy Griffin's new season sort of, well, sucks. I hate to say it.
I can't finish a book since mom died. I don't know what the fuck that's all about. Like I'll leave the last 2 pages and move on to something else. I am fucking nuts I think. LOLOL I have so many books on the go - a new Richard Preston in hardcover, two books about vaccines and polio vaccine in particular, I still haven't finished the Sedaris, some other book recommended to me by the fine folks at Amazon that I can't think of the name, Ira Levin's Sliver, and a couple others.
OMG, I just reread this and I am so boring right now.
I am craving perogies right now. I don't know why, but I want perogies. I wish I had the patience, but I have no desire to learn how to make them. Fuck all that dough-working bullshit, I say. I will make borsht tomorrow and that should be enough to get me through my Ukrainian longings.
I have sweet bugger all to say. I think I might as well call it a night so I can get an early start on tomorrow. And the melancholy will pass - it' just nice to puke it up every once in a while, so bear with me.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Blah Blah Blah, whatever

-- Point form because I am tired and melancholy right now.

-- Melancholy because we started the process of cleaning out my parents' things in their apartment and taking stuff, and that's no picnic. I am also saddened that there isn't all that much that I can find that has a sentimental attachment. I dunno, she must have chucked everything old or something. I don't know..... But I did sneak a photo album of their going-away party when we moved from B.C. And I looked at it tonight and that is what made me melancholy. My dad's Detachment, since he was the boss, put together this huge book of pics of our house and the town and the lakes and the mountains and parades my dad led, and parties and his staff and ball teams and their yearly formal Balls, and then their going away party plus cards from people, and it was just too much. And you know how I always am stuck on "the move" and how traumatic that was and stuff? Well, it brought back so much sadness and I wondered how it affected my mom to leave her kids (well, except me) two provinces behind, and go to a city I know she hated to go to.... And then I thought "I am more self involved than the characters on Dawson's Creek, except I don't have cool background music." LOLOL, but yeah, it's the shitty memories and hurts that keep us up at night.

-- I am also melancholy than I know secretly that the pastor that I spoke of before is leaving town. He's the one my wife, who is pretty much an agnostic, told me to talk to - if that isnt a sign, I don't know what is - anyway, I hear they are leaving. And so I'll use that as an excuse not to further my spiritual path. Ok, so I am cynical right now... anyway, whatever.

-- I cooked the fucking best meatloaves tonight. God bless that fucking Kraft magazine thingy - it was those ones you do in muffin tins, and the kids asked for seconds.

-- I keep wondering when my sadness will annoy people.

-- I still have half my mom's dentures in my closet. I can't throw them out. Does that make me crazy?

-- I wonder why I am so hot at night all the time. I sweat like Dom fucking DeLouise at night. Am I going through some sort of andropause? Am I fevered at night? Do I have Dengue Fever?

-- Can I purchase Maple Leaf bacon? I'd like to cook my family an artery clogging breaky tomorrow - I'm willing to risk it for bacon.

-- I've changed my underwear preference after a decade. I seem to be going from boxer-briefs back to briefs. I don't know why, but I am at peace with my decision.

-- You know how I vote provincially for the NDP but federally for the Liberals because I don't want to throw my vote away on the federal NDP? Well, this time, I will vote for the NDP federally because Dion is just a plain old fucking retard. Really, he is. And I don't want to sound like a xenophobe, but learn to speak better English, you dork. And I still have issues with my mother who voted for Harper last time. Well, this time, I will be giving Layton my vote. I have so many conservatives in my life, and I've learned you just have to love them for the misinformed fools that they are.....

-- I am gonna make a big honkin' cauldrin of borsht tomorrow. Did y'all know I make the world's best borsht? Well, I do.

-- I want to go to bed but I need the washer to finish. Did you know our washer takes 48minutes for a normal load to complete? With that amount of time, you'd think Hop-Sing was crouched in my laundry room ironing my shirts or something.

-- Jacqueline Smith's facelift doesn't look creepy, really, but I wonder what it looks like without make-up on (she was just on tv)

-- My darling wife taped the View for me yesterday because Chelsea Handler was on, and now everything is scripted. Like, there was no spontinaety - I can't spell that word - anyway, it was all scripted. And Whoopi has a big honkin' neck tatoo thingy, and you all know how I think tattoos look like cheap trailer trash markings. Well, if you thought she was hideous before the tattoo, you ain't in Kansas anymore, Dorothy.

-- I wish I could just sit back and listen to Jackson Browne all evening.... nothing like some jackson to make your melancholy even more melancholic.

-- The washer has stopped, so I better get to bed. Sorry for the boring posts. Maybe October will bring more exciting posts.

Saturday, September 06, 2008
Easier than trying to think what to youtube. Right now I am watching You Can Do Magic by America. Of course, it's making me melancholy because it reminds me of being like 13 and travelling to my aunts in the south and of course that was a time I had two healthy parents and was protected by them, but whatever, I am smiling at the memories nevertheless.... LOLOL, oh man, I'm gonna be a bit of a downer for a while yet, won't I?
Now I am going to put on Alison Moyet's Is it love? Let's see if I like it still....
LOLOLO0L, well if THAT doesnt cheer me up, nothing will. I had this taped on Beta and used to watch it all the time, why I don't know. I was thinking I had a thing for her, but looking at it now, I find it hard to believe I was a British maybe-lesbian chubby-chaser, but who the hell knows.... LOLOLOL, hmmmmm........ what the fuck?
OMG, now I watching IOU by Freez - I still treadmill to this song, but I never saw a video - the BMX bikes and the fucking WHITE guys make it seem gay. I always pictured hip black people singing this song..... hmmmm... I wish I never went beyond this green door.....
OMG, now I am watching "Love Changes Everything" by Climie Fisher, which I fucking LOVED in grade 12. I think the singer is dead now, but still, it's an awesome song... I feel all melancholy. But these people are all fucking hideous.
OMG, is there a better summer song than Paul Carrack's "Don't Shed a Tear"? - Cab fare to nowhere is what you are - I wish I would have thought of that one myself!
OK, and right now I am watching "Can You Feel the Beat" by Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam with Full Force. I have to admit that I listened to this song, as well as their "I Wonder if I Take You Home" compulsively in grade 10 and 11. I thought this was the fucking SHIT, man. This was back when I wanted to be a wanna-be homey, and fantasized about moving to New York, with my Bill Cosby sweaters and plastic bracelets and big fucking medallion of Africa, hanging out with the break dancers and the Hispanics - me and Lisa Lisa against the world..... fuck I was a moron, hey? Again, I share too much.
Ok, I am going to finish the night with "Blue Jean" by Bowie. He fucking rocks. I should be hanging with him and Iman.
No, wait, I'm gonna end it with "Gypsy", one of my favorite videos of all time... Thank sweet Jesus for the healing powers of Stevie Nicks and crew...goddamn they don't make em like that anymore.
Happy weekend,

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Yes, I am still alive. I am surviving. Just like Reba fucking McIntyre. Except I don't have red hair and money. But anyway, I am surviving. I don't even remember what I last wrote. I know I updated you all on my Mom dying the day after or so, and I may or may not have said that I was planning on going away right after that to take the kids to Edmonton. Well, that is exactly what we did. Mom died on Friday night, and we decided to leave the funeral for 2 weeks - why, I have no idea anymore - I think we were just exhausted and shell-shocked. But anyway, my mom kept saying that she hoped we were going on our trip as planned (before she became so criticially ill of course) and since we had it booked, we did it. I went into work Monday morning after she died for a couple hours, and then I packed up the van and off we left that afternoon. And it was hard. I felt guilty that I was escaping the flowers and the phone calls and the hugs, as the news got out. The calls I had to take on the weekend were bad enough, and I couldn't answer a call without busting out into tears. So yeah, it was a good way to avoid it all for a bit, and I felt guilty for it. But I also felt guilty that all the stuff we promised the kids all summer didnt happen, because they were in limbo while we travelled to Saskatoon over and over when mom was in the hospital there. So, we packed up and off we went. As I said, it was hard. It was the hottest day of the summer, in the mid-30s, at least, and WINDY. We drove to North Battleford, which is 2 hours away, and I started to feel panicky. Then we drove to Lloyd, which is an hour beyond there, and I felt REEAALLY panicky, and of course, it was still less than 72 hours since she'd died, so I kept breaking into tears. But you know, after that, the farther away I got, the better I was feeling ,and I kept looking at my excited kids, and knew it would be ok.
And I also feel guilty that I had a blast. A fucking BLAST. We stayed right in the mall, and usually, when we've stayed there in the past, our rooms have been hit or miss. Well, this thing was beautiful and slept EVERYONE. When you have 4 kids, you will need 2 rooms, we've learned. Well, this one had 2 queen beds with feather tops, PLUS bunkbeds, so EVERYONE slept well. Plus the room was HUGE, and the tub was deep as a jacuzzi, and blah blah blah, so it was wonderful. And Margo, when she called me on Sunday, said we should go on the trip because shopping in Edmonton is always good therapy for Rachel and me. Well, bitch, you were exactly right. Each dollar I spent released happiness, I tell you. We went frigging crazy, buying the kids back to school clothes with abandon, and stacks of books, and then I got into the act too. At one point, we went into lululemon because I always love to mock that place, and lo and behold, I walk out with a fucking 100 dollar hoodie. I am such a loser, I know. Anyway, we shopped until we dropped for 12 hours a day, and did the galaxyland thing and then did the waterpark for 6 hours one day, and then on the last day I was dreading going home and sad that we didn't go to Jasper like we were supposed to so my lovely wife called the front desk, found out our room was available for another night, and booked it, and the next morning we took off to Jasper for the day. And so in Jasper we did the little shopping stroll and then went to that canyon - Maligne? I dont know how to spell it - and did the trails there and that was nice and the kids were actually impressed and then we went to good old lakes Edith and Annette and it was so beautiful that I got my swimsuit on and then the kids did, even though it was a cool day, and we swam and had a blast, and then since nobody was around, I went skinny dipping and Rachel got a delightful ass shot of me that I was going to put on here as a banner until I got a look of it, and realized that my ass is hideous. And then we went to the hotsprings which was the kids' favorite thing of the entire trip. And since the hotsprings are on the road past Pocahontas where Chunks and Devo are going soon, I kept wishing we could crash the trip. Anyway , we rolled back into Edmonton after midnight and shopped all the next day and then got home here after midnight.
Then it was back to reality and we had to plan the funeral which involved me writing the obit and the eulogy and I chose the song "Life is Eternal" by Carly Simon for the slideshow of pics, which was wonderful. And we had to deal with a visiting aunt and a lot of family tenseness because you know what work a funeral is, and some of us feel we got stuck doing stuff, but it doesn't matter in the end and it was very beautiful. It was last Friday. Remember too, this is the busiest time at work for me, so I haven't had any down time at all.
But anyway, that's my life right now. And I am ok most of the time, all things considered. But not all the time. Tonight is one of those not so wonderful nights. I think the hardest thing right now is the realization of what a void the loss of a parent leaves. And every day, there are things I think that I have to tell mom about, and then I remember. In Edmonton, I bought the first Chelsea Handler book, My Horizontal Life, which is the funniest thing ever, and was the best therapy. Anyway, there was this one essay in there where she thinks she has slept with a midget, and I was almost pissing myself, and thought "I gotta show this to mom" and then the realization that I won't be doing that. And then in Jasper there were B.C. blackberries, which I haven't had for 25 years, but which my mom and i would always talk about each summer, without fail. Well, I almost bought a flat of them, and thought "I'll split them with mom" and then remembered.... so I didn't get a flat after all.
Then we went to my dad's hometown of Mundare, where they have the world's best kubasa, and I was going to get mom some....
And there was my gravy that needed something tonight so I was going to call her and ask her advice...
And the stories I heard from her friend at the funeral that I kept thinking "I can't wait to tell mom about this" and then remembering that I wasn't going to share any of that with her again.
So it's that what is really bugging me. I dread the holidays this year. I already have dropped many hints that I'd like to take the kids back to Jasper or something for Thanksgiving, but I'm not made of money. But I'd appreciate it if I could avoid at least that one. Xmas, well, I don't want ot think of it.
But i didn't start smoking again, on the plus side. Craved it many times, but wouldn't go there. So that's a plus.....
Anyway, I'm not usually as down as I sound, but I figured I'd fill y'all in on the happenings. I got a letter last week from the hospital about a service they do each month for people who have had loved ones die there, and i know it's morbid and not at all personal, but I think I might be compelled to go. It's tomorrow. I am also wondering if it is rubbing salt in the wound to go. So I dunno. I guess I am undecided at this point.
Oh, and my big Oprah aha moment now is that I finally understand everyone who has lost parents. It's like you join a special club, because suddenly I thought "I finally get it" - all those people you know and think "I'm glad it happened to them and not me" - you know you think it because I did - or those who you think should just get over the grief - or whatever: I get it now. I didn't want to join the club, but I get it. It's like we're those of us without parents and those with.
Oh, and I am not sure if Jenny reads here regularly, but if not, Chunks, could you pass this on for me? Jenny, I am so sorry to hear about your dad - I read your description of his illness and last days I understood so much - we too were thinking, because we were going to a REAL hospital in the city we were going to get answers and great care, and, well, that was pretty much a pile of bullshit, much like you sort of got at VGH. Anyway, I so feel for you right now, and I know what you are going through, and hang in there kiddo, and if you ever want to compare notes, drop me a note on here or snag me through facebook. And thanks for your words.
And thank you all for your words. The sympathy was hard for me because I am not an open book and like to keep it all crammed down inside for my chronic overeating and anxiety to deal with (hahahahahaha!), but you know, the heart-felt words just made me weep because the fact that people actually hurt for you is beautiful in it's own way. And so CHunks, got your card yesterday and thanks, and thanks to you and Dev for your comments, and Margo, I know it was hard for you to call me because we aren't touchy feely with each other, and you knew just what to say. And then I got a call from someone who I used to be close with and am not so much anymore and he sounded so heart-broken for me that I kept thinking why can't we appreciate friendship in the good times?
Margo, our friend with the bum kidneys came to the funeral and hugged me until I thought I was going to burst, and Bridget and my old coworkers.... Ruby couldn't come - she was too freaked out.
Anyhooo, I didn't mean to be a downer - I don't spend all my time blubbering and being low - I just thought I better post what's been happening since then. Don't worry, I'll get back to my bathroom jokes and such soon enough!
Well, I gotta get to bed. Hopefully I'll get to post on the weekend. Stay in touch, all of you, ok?