Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Merry xmas baby, you sure do treat me nice.....

It's so late, so point form random stuff:

-- Xmas was good. Lowkey with a capital L. Usually, we go to my inlaws on Xmas eve, and then we open presents here in the morning and then go back there for breakfast and then we go back and forth from their house to my sister's house. However, my mother in law ended up in the hospital on the Tuesday before Xmas (she's ok - just recovering from surgery where she was sent home after 6 hours of having it done, and it took a week until the doctors clued in and realized she should have been in the hospital for a week or two BEFORE going home. Anyway, she may be out for New Years. So, Xmas there has been postponed for a few weeks, so it's been a lot more low key, other than trips to the hospital and such. We've been spending time relaxing for once. Our tree is actually still up, believe it or not. Usually, it's gone on the 26th. Anyway, we've been lying around, watching old Amazing Race episodes, which I bought the kids for Xmas, playing the new Mario on Wii, and I have to admit it - I read Twilight. It's so stupid, but addicting. It's not even really well written or anything, but it's ok for fluff. But 500 pages? The first 420 are basically "You shouldn't be with me. I am a vampire and may end up killing you" and the chick saying "I don't care." Fucking stupid. But there is an interesting twist, so whatever. And I wouldnt want my teenage daughter to be all into it - I'm sorry, but vampires are just not right for you, honey. So, I have 20 pages to go, but my son walked away with the book today and fuck if I know where it is. I got the stupid next book, so maybe I will start it. Ah hell, I don't know.

-- I wrote that stuff last night. I said fuck New Moon and started David Giffels' "All the Way Home: Building a Family in a Falling-Down House." I bought it a year and a half ago, the weekend after my mom's funeral. We drove my aunty Pastry to the airport in the city and it was Labour Day and we got a big fucking hotel room and shopped the pain away and I got this book because it was one of those Amazon recommendations that they email you. You know, the "JT, since you bought this, we think you'll like this." I can't think of what would have tweaked the recommend, but I started the book that weekend, but as you know, I bought a billion books right after she died and couldn't finish anything. So, I only read a chapter of it and put it in the night stand. Well, I am finally getting to those books now - an awesome, eclectic bunch - I wish you all lived close so you could borrow them. This one is about this dude, David Giffels, who buys this big, decrepit "(that's spelled wrong but my spellcheck isn't working) mansion that's a brick 3 storey affair, and fixes it up. As you should know from reading me, my dream is to have a big, old, brick 3 storey affair with an attic the size of JLO's fat ass, so this book looks to be a wet dream. In that pile, I also have these two books by the same woman, one called Stiffed, all about odd facts and stuff about death and the death business and rituals, and Bonk, about odd sex research and stuff - I read up to the couple having sex in the MRI to detect something or other. Anyway, they are really good - maybe now I can finish them. Then I have that "Stupid to the Last Drop", with the subtitle about "ALberta is bringing environmental Armagetton (spelled wrong - where is my Prism LP when I need it?) to the rest of Canada and doesn't Care".) Then there is the Tim Horton story, and a Nick Hornsby I havent read, and a whole bunch more. I am hoping that this reading business is a turning point, because I can now read a whole book again.
I got through the holidays ok too, so that's good. True, I did have an ugly cry a week and a half ago, but it was the night they brought my mother in law into the hospital and I was feeling horrible for Rachel, so I started drinking this bottle of SOuth African wine I had (I was going to serve it at this party we had the weekend before and someone said "oh, you are supporting South Africa?" so I put it away - I suddenly had that "I aint gonna play Sun City song going through my head) and after she got home late that night and we knew her mom was going to be ok, I ended up turning it into all about me, in my buzzed state, and how I hate holidays and all this bullshit. Leave it to me. And then I realized I was truly drunk when I somehow said I was jealous of her ex boyfriend from 25 years ago.... LOL. It was one of those nights. Anyway, needless to say, it left my system then and i didn't cry or feel weepy this xmas. I was freaked because without my aunt, I wasn't sure what I would do (did I mention here about my aunt dying?), but it went ok. I wasn't excited at all, and felt.... muted..... and not exactly empty, but just felt nothing, and I guess that is ok. I hope to get the groove back. One of the huge things about not having my mom around, I realized, is Xmas day - the family get together is askew. And I still await her call and her "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" greeting - she loved xmas - and well, that sort of drags me down. But anyway, I didn't sit in a corner weeping into a bottle of sherry, so I guess that's good. But I tell ya, I understand her now so much more, in how she couldn't handle loss. But whatever, all y'all are sick to death of hearing about me rambling on about this.

-- OH! We discovered the best show ever on OLN - Departures - we've seen 4 epidsodes, and the bastards stopped showing it daily. Pricks! Seriously, the best show ever.

-- I should get to bed because it's one in the morning and I am not sure where the night will end up. My son had to get 40 million needles 48 hours ago (well, FOUR), but my wife got her H1N1 shot finally and he got his second dose, and then that night, at 3 am, he woke up gagging and then she was nauseated, and I was up half the night waiting for them to puke, which they didn't, but then today, we took all the kids and our niece to the Chipmunks movie (admission for 2 adults, 4 kids, one toddler, was like 45 bucks, and food cost 35 or 40 or something AND then, we took them to fucking Burger King for like 32 dollars) and as soon as we got home, Rachel said "OMG, I feel sick!" and was all goose-bumped and is now sleeping on the sofa or chesterfield or davenport or divan or couch or whatever the fuck you wanna call it, and I am thinking, since she didn't actually puke or shit, that it is more flu shot reaction. Now, I hate to even mention it, since my two readers, Fric and Frac, in PR and Cowtown, are conspiracy theorists, a la Rush Limbaugh/Oliver North/Michael Moore/etc. and don't "believe" in the H1N1 shot. However, there are side effects, which are fever, aches, and the pukes, for 48 hours or so. Now, I personally know of healthy people on fucking OXYGEN for 5 days with H1N1, so I will NOT diss the shot, but I couldn't get it the other day with them, just because I knew so many who reacted with the shot and I wanted to get sick on work time. LOL, since I'm off right now, I didn't want to be sick. Anyway, I think she's ill because of the shot. And I work with people who will be all "I refuse to put that poison in my body" about the shot but will fucking smoke 40 cigarettes in a day and pop pills and shit, so I don';t take it seriously, but anyway, I am glad I waited. Anyway, I better be prepared in case she DOES have food poisoning from her BK Veggie burger. OH, I got a WHOPPER - that fucking thing was flatter than a pancake. I was waving it around saying "does this LOOK like a WHOPPER?" I am getting old fast.
-- House Hunters marathon either tonight or tomorrow - whooo hooooo!!!!!!!!

-- Anyway, going to bed to read. I hope to post tomorrow - it's Rachel and my 20th anniversary of our first kiss!

Hope all y'all had a good xmas!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Meredith Baxter Birney - lesbian or not? DIscuss

So, I thought I better weigh in on the big news of the day - Meredith Baxter (formerly Birney) is a lesbian. I know, I know, we're all in shock - please, take some time to let it sink in. Somehow, I'm surprised and not at all surprised by the news. I've had this love/hate relationship with Meredith for a couple of decades now. I remember back when I was a kid, and Family was on the air, and she was the older, divorced sister with that kid and they lived above the garage with those barn doors. My 9 year old self took a shine to her - not to Kristy McNichol, who was my age almost and played Buddy, the little sister - but to Meredith. Of course, Kristy was flat chested and looked like a boy, and she herself was a vag girl, so I guess it makes sense in hindsight why I wasn't into her, but there was something about Meri(dith). Anyway, fast forward to Family Ties. I didn't really have a thing for her, but I wanted Elyse Keaton for my mother. Seriously, I felt like I was Steven and Elyse's long lost son. I was always a granola/hippy/left wing/PBS loving wannabe, and so I idolized them. I remember one episode, ELyse was singing, and she sang "IN My Life" by the Beatles and it moved my teenaged hormonal depressed state to tears. So anyway, I loved her.
But then you'd see her on talk shows or specials or something and..... welll...... old Mer wasn't much fun. SHe sort of bordered on... bitch. Or boring..... or something. So, I really appreciated her acting, but as for her own bad self, well..... what the fuck ever.
Anyway, good old Wipipedia tells me she was married in the late 60s, then divorced, then married David Birney in 1974 until 1990, then she married some other dude from 1995 to 2000, and then she took some lesbian cruise and the ENquirer saw her and yada yada she came out today on the Today show. So, first, I am wondering, what is the picture of Meredith worth on a gay cruise? A $75 gift card to Sizzler? Because really, she isn't in the public eye, so who cares?
And second, my main thought, given her oddball flat bitchy demeanor is, is she a REAL lesbian, or the Anne Heche variety? You know what I mean - the "I'm suddenly in love with a woman but I am dry-humping the Latino gardener in the pantry while Rosie is rotating the tires." I mean, Ellen somehow fell for good old Celestia, and then Melissa Etheridge married that boring straight bitch who never really DID like women, so I am just wondering about Meredith - she'll either go all militant and do the crew cut/dykes with tykes/marching on Washington stereotypical thing, OR she'll just be a free agent and ditch this chick and run off with Ted Turner at some point. And I mean, there is nothing wrong with that at all - I think good for you if you can walk in both worlds - but as I said, there is just something....... well...... I just can't tell what kind of sister she is.
And it made me think of why we even care who celebs sleep with. Seriously, when you think of it, do you really think any of them are having better sex than we are? I think not. Imagine yourself, some hot Hollywood stud, and you pick up some starlet - it's not going to be some fucking 9 1/2 weeks bullshit where you roll around in the fridge. First, she won't go near the fridge because she has to stay 105 lbs, and if you do, there won't be any honey in there anyway. She'll have to get up early for the set, and she'll be all into herself, so she won't really even "be there", and once she's got her make-up off and her naked, protruding rib body is next to you, you'll feel sort of pukey. I mean, sure, you can pick up your share of trailer trash and hookers and such, but the celeb pairing isn't going to be anything wonderful.
Look at Brad and Angie - why the HELL does anyone care about them? I can bet you dollars to donuts they ain't having hot sex. HELL NO. First off, maybe she was when she was with Billy Bob and was wearing his BLOOD around her neck - but something tells me sex with Billy Bob would be more like him spilling cracker crumbs all over her while he ate whilst he was making love. And of course, I am sure she had some passionate times with her brother, that vampire thing. But when it comes to Brad? Please. First off, I know I make no bones about not liking him, but come on, look at him. Something about him screams "I have a 4 1/2 inch penis". That fucking thing is probably concave. And his little peeper is the least of his worries, because Angie won't waste time sleeping with him. She's a HUMANITARIAN now. The world needs her - and she can get her babies on the African black market. The ones she births, well, she can tie Brad and his little business around her on her ovulation days, but for the most part? Well, I bet Linda fucking Lavin has more passionate sex than them. With herself.
So why DO we care about the Hollywood sex life? I admit, I've more than once wondered if and how Eva Gabor and Merv Griffin ever consumated their relationship, and I think we've all pictured Rosanne and Tom Arnold coating themselves in Doritos crumbs and going to town, but as for the pretty people? Meh.
ANd I mean, I pity the fool who has to sleep with Robin Williams or Winona Ryder. I mean, he'd leave you covered in fur, and she'd steal your fucking sheets when you went to take a piss. And he's start talking in some Mrs. Doubtfire voice while climaxing, and Winona would probably start talking about all her rockstars she entertained in the sack (all of them who now probably work at Target).
So yeah, Meredith - I don't know what to think. If you really are a sister, rock the fucking casbah, Elyse! If you change your mind like Celestia, well, just don't make up your own language.
And with that I leave you. Keep your feet on the ground and try not to imagine Casey Kasem and his wife Jean covered in baby oil, talking dirty to each other......