Thursday, March 06, 2008

when the dog hands you turds, make lemonade!

You ever have one of those days where you just feel overwhelmed? Well, join the fucking club, Sunshine, because you got company. And you know, it didn't even start out that way. Well, ok, maybe it did but I didn't realize it.

First off, I had a sort of shitty sleep last night. Well, it wasn't so bad, but my sleep was disturbed a couple of times due to the fucking gallon of water I was compelled to drink before bed. We went to be SO early, for us anyway. Like, at 10:20 I said "let's hit the hay!" because Rachel Darling was nodding off, so we went to bed, and I read until about 11:20, and turned the light out - pretty much a good hour earlier than usual. But, since I drank all that water because I was so thirsty (salty dinner, not diabetes), I pissed twice before I turned the light off, and THEN I woke up at like 1:45 and stumbled to the toilet and holy moly, I swear I peed for like 3 minutes or something. I almost flicked the light on to see if the toilet was filling up. And of course it's the middle of the night and it's so hard to stand and you are afraid to move because what if you move the wrong way and start pissing on the floor, and I get in supreme shit if that ever should have happened, so of course I do that odd thing that I always do, which is bending my knees while I am peeing in the dark, thinking it will somehow steady me and get my closer to the toilet when the stream starts to fade a bit, and the more I pee the more I am waking up, and then finally I am done and get back and nod off and then child #2 comes in and pokes me or something and so then I tell her I will lay with her because I think someone has crawled into the middle of bed (but I don't really remember if one of them did or if it was just a pillow). NO, someone did, that's right. Because right after the peeing thing my wife gets up and goes pee herself, and then comes back to bed, but THEN she's back in the bathroom and turns the light on so immediately I think "FUCK! She's bleeding! Her water broke! Premature labor!" but then she comes back so I am all "What? WHAT!?" and she's all "it's dry in here and my nose was bleeding" and my heart finally calmed down. ANyway, then baby comes to our bed and Rachel is getting all huffy saying my pillow was on her, but it wasn't, but she never believes me. Anyway, so I go to the bed with kid #2 and she has to pee first and I am just getting all pissy and keep hissing "HURRY! HURRY! I am waking up!" and then I feel bad when we get to her bed and she snuggles me with a huge hug and wraps herself around me and goes to sleep.

So, that was last night. So today, I was groggy and not with it at all at first, and then the Mrs. calls and asks me to pick up something for her students at Walmart. Then my secretary comes in and tells me that the woman whose job I replaced is coming in to see me with her kid, so then I think how can I even function because I am so tired, but I need to make sense, but anyway, she tells me they are coming at 11:00, so at 10 I run to Walmart and to pick up a coffee, because I didn't even have time to blow my nose until then.

So I get to Walmart and pick up the books for the mrs. and remember I need some socks - just your ordinary variety white sport socks, because for some reason, all but 2 pairs have disappeared. But when I am picking out the socks, I can't decide between the ones with no ankle and the ones with a little ankle and it's all just beyond me because I can't even open my eyes still, but whatever, I finally decide to grab a pack of each and then I will have socks galore. Well, not really - I'll have 6 new pairs, but whatever. Of course, I remember that while I have a drawer full of gitch, I have a bunch that have worn out elastic waistbands, and nothing is more annoying than walking around and feeling your knickers sagging down the back of your ass almost to your frigging legs, so I decide to pick up a pack of gitch, but while I am trying to focus my eyes to find something I like (because I couldn't remember if it was Hanes I liked or Fruit of the Loom or what the hell - I hated one of them) I see this old Walmart shelve stocker lady next to me. And she's taking inventory of the gitch. And for some reason I got completely weirded out to have her watching me buy underwear. I wanted to rip some packages open to see who had a button fly, and then there was these cool stretchy ones, but she was always right there, and I started to feel all creeped out and dirty, like she was thinking "oooh, he's going to buy some shorts and put them over his naked body - he is trying to figure out what will fit nicely around his dink and assorted junk" and I know it's crazy, but I got the willies and couldn't do it.

So then I went and got a coffee and got back, and I am gone a total of 15 minutes, and my appointment arrives 45 minutes early the second I get there, so I have no caffeine in me at all.

But, it goes ok, and the morning is crazy. But in the afternoon, I have to deal with this Twilight Zone of a thing, and it's so stupid because all I want is someone to confirm something for me and everything can proceed. But it turns into this THING and it gets stranger and stranger and nobody will say "sure, go ahead" and I am thinking "am I the only one who is sane?" and so that makes me mental.

Then I come home and it gets crazy because Rachel is here trying frantically to do something for work, and the kids have two friends over after school and I think "I am going to exercise, but first I will start to clean up". You see, you know we are neatniks, but our basement has been out of control for a couple weeks because the kids have had friends or cousins here almost every day for the past 2 weeks and the playroom never gets picked up or put away and the rumpus room is the same so it was frigging spooky. So I try for like an hour to pick up pieces of the playroom and there are oodles of laundry in the laundryroom and piled outside of it, so you can see it the second you walk in the house and look down the stairs and I filled the cat box too full and she kicked a pile of litter onto the laundry room floor and I have two huge loads of towels to fold and on and on.... so I am working at this and go to do something and i catch dog #1 doing the unthinkable. The grossest thing imaginable - she had her head coming out of the toilet and a fucking TURD in her mouth. I screamed like Ned Flanders and she dropped it, onto the floor, with toilet poop water around it and I am all "OMG... OMG... HELP" but can't really freak because can you imagine the kids' friends going home saying "yeah, their dog ate poop and dropped it on the floor." So I force her to stay in the bathroom, pick up the turd, throw the stupid fucking bitch dog in the garage, then I have to fucking disinfect the fucking floor and try not to yell at the kids for not flushing the fucking toilet because what if it was their friends, and then I have to grab the dog, scrub it's face and teeth and legs and everything and try not to throw up in my mouth....

Then it's getting late and the Mrs. had to run out and so I thought I'd throw supper on but I am trying to clean upstairs, because I gave up on the basement and the exercising, and get that ok, and don't feed the kids until fucking 7:30, and the poor Mrs. comes home exhuasted and sore and with no energy and the kids all decide they need either a bath or a shower and then we are trying to get clothes ready and school books read and they make one fuck of a mess, so it's 9:00 and I am still trying to put out fires, and I take off my pants and throw them in the wash and that's when I realize the vehicles are in the driveway and need to go into the garage and so I have to get dressed again and blah blah blah, the kids get to sleep late, kid #1 was feeling sorry for herself because we couldn't read her books with her until late, and I felt horrible because I yelled down before their one friend left for them to clean up and they went "ahhh" and I yelled "whatever isn't put away in the rumpus room is going straight to the trash - I've had it!" And I mean, it's not just them, it's been two weeks of friends and cousins and everything.... but it's ok, they did sweet piss all, but the looks of it anyway, so I guess I wasn't as scary as I thought.

AND THEN, we still have Big Brother taped from last night, to save for the weekend, but I saw a commercial and I think it told me what's happening, so that sucks shit, and fucking Inside fucking Edition was on tonight in the background, because I couldnt' find the remote to watch my usual 4 hours of the Weather Network and I see a picture of someone from Project Runway so then I think "THAT'S THE PERSON WHO WON!" because it ended in the States last night, but in Canada, we are weeks behind. Thanks for nothing, fucking Yanks. Perhaps you shouldn't be so tight in selling your programs to Canada so we can watch them the same time as you. Piss off, bloody fucking wankers.....

Tomorrow we are going to our friends' for dinner. We are ordering pizza. I don't care, I am eating lots. TGIF people.... Serenity now... serenity now....