And I'll Never Have that Recipe Again.... (but, curiously, nobody left the cake out in the rain)
Oh Fucking extreme makeover - it's on in the background right now, and this dude looks younger than me, and he was diagnosed with cancer as a teen in his senior year, and beat it like 3 times, and then now needs a heart transplant or something now - and they are going to give him and his fiance a dream wedding, so I don't want to watch because you know what a fucking blubbery crybaby I can be. Well, to be honest, weddings bore the hell out of me, but since he's so sick, I am going to get sucked into this one...
So, the diet - I will never talk about it again, like Oprah. It's still on, don't get me wrong, but I am freaking out already at the trouble there will be. As I said, going out for lunch tomorrow, and it will be at a Greek/Italian place. Then, I have this feeling we will be invited out for Chinese tomorrow night - long story, but I think we will. So, tomorrow will be a trying day. And ok, fatties out there - do you remember like 10 years ago when Oprah's cook Rosie came out with that damn cookbook? Well, every fat person from here to Rejkavik went out and bought the damned thing, thinking we'll get all these great recipes to just cut all the fat out of our diets. I always thought "If I had a frigging chef like Oprah, it would be so easy." So we all spend our 20 bucks or whatever on the stupid book, and get it home, and I wonder how many people had the same reaction I did: "Oh, eggplant and gingered papaya sauce - hmmm, might skip that one. Oh, fresh kale and shallot salad with rice wine vinegar... hmmm, never seen fresh kale in Saskatchewan... Oh, here is one for chicken - hmmm, I don't really have the time to make homeade chicken broth, and I don't own a pressure cooker, so maybe I can just use roasted breasts and THEN dump them into the avocado/wasabi coating before we throw them into the convection oven for exactly 32 minutes."
Ok, so I made up the recipes, but you get the picture - completely useless recipes. The shit is either impossible to get when you live in the sticks, or it's just plain gross. I want someone to tell me how to make a fucking low fat meatloaf, not how to roast a fucking pigeon (sorry, SQUAB or whatever it is) in a raisin sauce. Like, give me normal comfort foods that I can feed my kids.... The only thing that sounded good in that book was sweet potato pie, which I've never had, but really, I hate sweet potatoes.. HATE them. And I mean, why even bother with sweet potatoes when you got pumpkin in a can, and if it ain't broke, don't fix it.....
So what brought this diatribe on? Well last night, I was looking for something to read, and was in my book room and my eye caught on this cookbook that I didn't recognize (oh, before I forget, I saw on the same shelf one of those anonymous books - Her or Us or something... I should include snippets on here - I know y'all want the blog to be more erotic and all.... ). So anyhooo, I pick up the "Low-Fat Living Cookbook" and take it to bed - where I proceeded to make sweet love to it over and over, until the sun came up, and the words were rubbed off the page - JUST KIDDING - Just trying to erotify the blog! Ok, so I take the book to bed, where I read it, and I just got madder, and madder, and madder.... Like, who the fuck either has this shit at their disposal, AND, who the hell likes this crap? I mean, I live in Saskatchewan, but still, I think this would be true for the majority of people who don't have a Whole Foods at their disposal. I open the cookbook (by the way, I love cooking, so a cookbook really does excite me), and I see the following: Steamed Mussels in Broth, Cashew-Crusted Shrimp with Mango Sauce, Mediterranian Fish Stew.... Like can you imagine? "Kids, supper's on - come get your piping hot bowl of daddy's fish stew! Daddy put in the extra teaspoon of crushed saffron threads, just like you like it!" I mean, if they eat a fucking potato and a meatball, I consider dinner a resounding success. Ah, I shouldn't be so hard on this book - after all, nothing compliments a good meal like a hearty "Bibb lettuce with apple-mint dressing" salad, especially if it's heavy on the horseradish and cranberries. And no, I am not making these recipes up, nor the ingredients. And everything had olives in it... People who like olives are just whacked....
Ok, freak out over. And no, I am not a complete food Philistine, but I mean, I want real stuff. Is it too much to ask? And not those damned weight watcher recipes, where those culty people get their rocks off about how they can make brownies with no fat (yes, I've had them... no, they are not particularly edible, unless you've been on a diet for 14 months, or if you have been living in Poland during Marshal Law. They also get so damned happy with salsa - ever notice that? "Oh, salsa, just put salsa on it!"). I really shouldn't rag on the weight watcher people, because it is really sensible, but when anyone get's all freaky about diet stuff, well, I can't help but mock.
Anyway, this Extreme Makeover sucks.... ain't gonna be no man-blubbering here.
Well, I best get to bed... I am so tired right now. Too tired to even brush my teeth. Don't tell my dentist.
xo
JT
posted by JT @ 11:03 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
My hubby is trying a new thing by eating bigger lunches and smaller dinners. So far, the only thing that is happening is I wake up in the middle of the night hungry. He will probably lose weight and I will gain it! Keep up with the sensible eating and blog it all! You are totally right about the cookbooks...the only ones I have ever really found useful are the cookbooks from the Legion Ladies Auxilliary! Of course, the most common ingredients in those books are lard and peanut butter!
Reward yourself on good days and throw in a walk on days when you feel like you've gone too far. Most importantly, don't look at bad days as failures, just bad days, everyone has one once in awhile. Good luck!
Is all the sweet green icing flowing down?
Soh
Ok. Back up the train buddy. I like olives, green olives only, they are good. Whats wrong with that?
I agree that most of the recipes in the healthy cookbooks are too funky for my kitchen. I would have to spend 50 bucks to make one recipe cause I don't have any that type of fancy food. Just the staples meat and tators.
JT,
Once again, you made me laugh! I love your posts. I can COMPLETELY relate to your post about diet cookbooks! I have purchased many in the last few years. I just look at them and think...why the fuck would I even want to make "Pan Fried Petrale Sole with Lemon, Butter and Caper Sauce"! In a weaker moment in life, I purchased the book "Eat, Cheat and Melt the Fat Away" by Suzanne Somers. Don't ask me why, because I hate that bitch with such a passion. So, I can't even explain my decision to buy it. I guess I was in one of those weight funks and saw her botoxed ass on the Home Shopping Network or something. I most definitely had a buzz going at the time of purchase! Anyway, the entire book ws filled with dishes that I had not only never heard of, but would never in a million years be able to cook.
Interesting that you asked if Keith had read my posts. I have been debating about whether to tell him about them or not. He doesn't know that I have a blog. He knows that I was intending on doing it, however, I haven't told him that it actually came to pass. So, I really want him to read it, but it is sort of embarrassing to me. Does that make sense? I am more comfortable with people I have never met to read it than him. Strange, huh?
Well, best wishes on the diet. Trust me, I feel your pain. I know exactly what you are going through. Finding that motivation is really damn hard. I live in the fatest city in the entire US of A. I know all about it!
Take Care,
Brian
By the way, I love your title of the post. I had a very, VERY strange and eccentric college literature professor. MacArthur's Park was apparently a poem before it was made into a popular song. Everyday in class we would have to recite the poem. He would stand in front of the class and direct us like he was Leonard Berstein or someting. He even brought in Donna Summer's recording of the song and made us sing along to it. I almost pissed myself every time we had to do it. Ahhh...good times!
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