Friday, July 20, 2007

9 years.....

I am doing something really fruity right now. Really fruity. Fruity as in paste some fried eggs to my chest and I'd be Joe on BB. No, I'm not waxing my back or anything. I'm drinking gin and soda with a handful of marashino cherries in it. You see, when I was a wee lad, knee-high to a grasshopper, my parents and their friends next door, my friend Sue's parents, would relax with gin and soda or gin and tonic, with cherries or lemons for garnish. I'd always get to dig for the cherries. Anyway, since the heat wave hit, I've been salivating for gin and soda, do not ask me why, but I just needed it. So, yesterday, off I went to the liquor store and bought me a big honkin' bottle of gin. Rocky will now be afraid I am an alcoholic. Anyway, it is so refreshing I can't even tell you how great it is. Not just because of nostalgia, either. Because Sue's dad would drink his gin constantly, and even going for groceries or something, he'd have his big-ass tumbler of gin and soda in the car, so we'd always have ample opportunity to drink it, so you may think it's reminding me of an easier time. But no. Well, it does, but the shit sure refreshes when you are sweating like a pig. I spent hours outside tonight. As soon as I came home, I went into the garden next door and did weeding for hours, then I did my front lawn and weed whacked too, and then did the back yard. I think I may have gotten a little burn, as I seem to be addicted to wearing wife beaters now, God help me.
Anyway, today was my last day of work for 2.5 weeks. Yee Haw. Tomorrow evening, we will head up to the lake for a while, since the temps are supposed to be in the 30s all week. Of course, I had a mini panic attack today. Remember me saying I was in dental hell? Well, I finally had my appointment today, and I took my pill late, so that was stressful because it wasn't kicking in, and as soon as I walk in, I knew it was going to be hell, because these two severely retarded people were in there and the one kept doing this Tourette's type of retching noise every 30 seconds or so - I Swear, I thought he was puking up all his lungs. So I am trying to calm myself by reading about Brangelina, and I mean, who gives a fuck about them, so I was getting more freaked out, and then I see this sign saying "no footwear beyond this point" and I am suddenly panicked that they don't want shoes in the exam rooms because, to be honest, I remembered how last time I was there the panic was worse because the air conditioning wasnt working, so I thought I would be smart and took a wife beater to work and changed when I left, and when I walked in I thought "wait a minute, do I have deodorant on?" and got panicky, and then I see the sign, realize I am in my Dawgs (cheaper version of Crocs) and think that if I have to take them off, I will stink these poor people to high heaven. Long story short, if you are sockless, you get to keep the shoes on. So, anyway, I was completely panicky, and it turns out that I have a broken filling, will need a temporary filling with medicine in it, and then they'll see if they can fill it or if they need to root canal it. Sucks to be me. We have to take baby to the doctor late tomorrow, so I am going to ask him for valium or something stronger than ativan.
What else.... oh! Yesterday was our 9th anniversary. We didn't do anything special, other than making time for some sweet romance, because everyday with Rachel is special. Seriously, she's way above my league. I still don't quite get how it happened that I scored her. God love her....
Anyway, we have been married 9 years and I can't believe how much has changed in 9 years - freaky:

-- 9 years ago, we got possession of the first house we bought on July 1st and were still getting settled when we got married.

-- 9 years ago, we were still 2 weeks shy of buying Daisy, our first dog.

-- 9 years ago, we didn't have Molly the cat yet - didn't get her until Novemeber.

-- 9 years ago, it was the first time my dad's 2 brothers and one sister and him had been together all at once, in over 14 years, due to a stupid fued that they all regret now. It was us that brought them together. MY DAD was bouncing off the walls on our wedding day talking about it, and saying "I know it's your wedding, but isn't it great that they are all here?" It still is one of the most precious memories I have. I love my dad so much.

-- 9 years ago my Uncle John was still alive. He was deep into it with the Alzheimers, but was pretty whip sharp at the wedding. He died in 2004.

-- 9 years ago, my cousin Barry was still married to his wife. She was horribly controlling and they had some sort of fight at the wedding because she was jealous of everything. They split up 5 years ago and still arent divorced. I never thought they would split. But he's model good-looking to the nth degree and has a wandering cock, so it's not just her fault, don't let me fool ya.

-- My dad had all his wits about him. he's fading fast I have a gut feeling, but then, he was great, and it was around then that we started having an awesome relationship after having a turbulent past. Wasted time all that bullshit was......

-- My parents close friends, Albert and Bird, who came to our wedding from a small town far away, were alive. they are dead now.

-- I was 45 lbs smaller.

-- I had no goatee or beard or anything. Face was smooth like a baby's arse.

-- I was still in school.

-- Rachel only had one week off work, as she started her job 2 months earlier. She's still there.

-- I still smoked 9 years ago. Quit 5 years ago next week. I smoked Craven M back then. Loved those minty death sticks.

-- Sue, my friend who is the drug addict/thief who looks like she'll be in jail this summer, came to the wedding. She was healthy, had 2 of her 3 kids then, and we had an awesome time. I can't quite believe she lost everything in 9 years. She stayed with us the week before the wedding.

-- My friend Claire hadn't had kidney failure yet, so she was drinking at the wedding. Since then, she had a transplant from her brother, only to reject it a year later from a virus. Ran into her last week at Christopher Lake, where she goes after dialysis on Fridays. Back then, she was healthy.

-- Margo was single, hadn't met the love of her life yet. I was worried about her, if she'd end up being lonely, or end up with some bitch. She's hooked up well. God bless you Rochelle. I had so much fun with Margo at my wedding. Her and Sue, my girlz...... if someone wins a lotto, please send me a couple thousand so I can go out there and find Sue and talk to her before she self destructs..... I need to give her my own intervention.

-- My sister "Libby", who was widowed less than a year before our wedding, did the most awesome toast to us. She now lives across the street from us, still single. And that's just fine.

-- My sister "Leslie" didn't know the whereabouts of her birth daughter. That was a hole in all our hearts.

-- I was still saying I didn't care if I had kids (a far cry from my "ah, who cares if we get pregnant' cries when I try to get out of condom usage.

-- I hadn't broke our washing machine for good because I hadn't washed the buckwheat pillow in it yet.

-- I was just hired for this seasonal, 9 hour a week gig at my current workplace. Now, I am the one running the program. Beyond my dreams.

Anyway, there is a lot more I can say, but this is just a sampling of how things actually change in 9 years. So look at your own lives and marvel in how things change in a given set of years. It will freak you out when you actually think about it. And I know everyone is all on the positive thinking bandwagon, and I want you all to extend prayers to my former coworker Trina, who is going through some rough times with her daughter's illness. I am not sure why I feel so compelled to reach out to her, but I do. So send up a quick prayer, will you? And for Tammy Faye - if we could get her a miracle.... well, let's.
No, none of this is the gin talking......
I'll bring the laptop to the lake, so I can blog and publish when I get home on MOn. or Tues.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

foul-mouthed banter about sweet bugger all

Well, as usual, I am so tired, because it was a busy weekend. We were at a wedding yesterday and didn't get home until 12:30 in the morning, with all 3 kids still awake, and then today was the gift opening, and tired kids, a dad who wasn't drunk last night but nevertheless felt hungover from lack of sleep, and humid weather makes for one tired family.
Anyway, I just needed to debrief after Big Brother 8 tonight - not debrief as in taking off my drawers, because that would make things weird, blogging with my "privacies" (as daughter #2 calls them) flapping in the wind, but to give my take on the whole thing since my post last week.
OK, so, much has changed. Remember how I hated the guys? The alpha males? Well, I guess I lied, because I like them now, even the stupid one with the ugly tattoo who is the football drop-out - I gotta admit I like how he just stuck it to that Jen bitch when she lied. Anyway, I don't mind them. I like Dustin too. I still hate Joe. Vote his sorry ass out people. Really get a kick out of the America's choice dude. Starting to like Evil as well. I still can't stand Kail. I still like Daniele, even though her obvious eating disorder freaks me out. I get glimpses of Karen Carpenter when I see her. Eat a fucking slop sandwich dearie. The sister is still a dud, and that gross blonde girl, not Carole but her enemy - she's got to go.
But that fucking Jen - I would love to throw a hairdryer into her bathtub. Or just take some ugly pictures of her and post them all over the house and drive her insane. I hope Evil and his baby girl get off the block somehow.
So anyway, that's my thoughts. I wish you people watched Canadian Idol too, so I could dis all that bullshit, but no, you all must have lives. And no Rock Star? Fuck me gently man, I really wanted to see it this year, although that fucking Brooke was a mega bitch. Stupid networks for not renewing that show, but yet still torturing us with Carolyn Rhea or however the fuck you spell her name, doing the Biggest Loser over and over. I think that show is wrong on so many levels. Good on the fat people for wanting to lose weight. I can say that because I've got a belly that would give a chubby chaser nasty dreams for a month of Sundays, but fuck me Dorothy, nobody can lose 27 lbs a week, so they must be pumping these poor fatties with large doses of Ex-Lax and water pills. Make them lose the weight in a good way and go from there. And who the hell does Carolyn think she is? She's no fucking Nicole Eating Disorder Ritchie, that's for damn sure. Bitch likes her pies and cakes if you ask me, just by looking at her. Why shouldn't she be standing there in a tank top, making us all uncomfortable by looking at her, standing on the scale, being judged? It's a crock of shit. Suck my ass, NBC.
And speaking of Nicole Ritchie, I saw on some mag in the check-out at Shopper's, whilst I was buying chips to take to the beach, that the bitch says she's knocked up. Well, fuck me again Dorothy, but can you imagine a more piss-poor mother than she will be, besides Tori Spelling? Ok, low blow on the Tori thing, because I actually liked the big eyed, fake titted fawn until she stole Mary-Jo Eustace's husband - I'm a big Mary-Jo fan, and I caught the Tori garage sale show and he's just a sleezy cocksucker - you hear that Tori Spelling? Your husband is a sleezy cocksucker who deserves some skanky bitch like Mitsou or something. But anyway, if you were too dumb for a prenup, well, I pity the fool.....
And yes, I hope he googles his sorry, narcissistic self and sees his ugly ass isn't welcome back into Canada. Vive la Mary-Jo! And if you never have, catch the reruns of her on What's for Dinner. Bitch is funny.
So anyway, Nicole will be a mother - but then again, how good can we expect her to be, when her own upbringing is so sketchy. I bet you all dollars to donuts she's Lionel's biological daughter, who he raised after being "stuck on you" with some white trailer trash chambermaid from Des Moines who left the kid on his doorstep after he paid for her new dentures. We all know that she kept you up all night long Lionel, running with the night, doing things that made you feel like you were dancing on the ceiling..... and of course, who WOULDN'T want to do you, especially after that Oscar worthy performance in the "Hello" video, with the blind chick sculpting that big-ass ugly bust of a ceramic head for you? Youch, I am a bitch tonight, aren't I?
OH! Funny story about the wedding - I will have to keep this vague in case this blog ever gets discovered - LOL, I hate the degree of censure I always have to apply. But anyway. Rachel's uncle "Peter" and his husband "Goliath" were given the job of taking pictures and videoing the wedding. WELL. I don't even know the whole sodid story of the bride's family, but there is discord with her mother I think, and the woman had this dress that just wasn't..... not flattering..... but... well... it was sort of... .revealing... like lingerie-like.... So anyway, good old Peter, who is known for his sharp tongue, especially when under the influence of the drink, was saying things about this woman's dress, AND about her ex's personality, whom he knew back in the day: "he was an asshole then, and he's still one now!" was one of the nuggets, and about the dress - "it looks like fucking lingerie and she's gonna fall out of it". Ok, so anyway, Gol was videotaping all the time and suddenly Pete comes and is all "that thing picks up sound all over the room and we have to figure out how to edit because I said this and that" and it was so hillarious, so he was running to his bro in law, the groom's dad saying this... LOL, it was so funny. But THEN, they he tries to make ammends by being nicey-nice, so Golie is taping the first dance or something and I hear him say "OH! The bride... SO BEAUTIFUL!" really loud, and of course I almost piss myself at him being so smarmy, and then I hear him say "The Bride's mother's dress.... LOVE it!" in this sing song voice and we just fucking howled..... good times. I miss that funny bastard (he doesn't live here).
What else... oh, MARGO, you know who was there? Do you remember..... what can I call her.... in grade 10 she was a friend of Russel's and Wendy's, and she was pregnant and didn't tell anyody until she had the baby almost, and her first name is the same as your friend from Leduc who was chubby and slutty? And her last name had something to do with a rental car business? Anyway, she was there, because she is Rachel's uncle's half-sister. She lives in the lower mainland, and apparently is a nurse, so she must have got it together somewhat, but she still looks scary. I made a comment saying she looks good and all night Rachel was all "you think that looks good?" because she had a tattoo on her arm and shoulder the size of Carolyn Rhea's gut, and one on her leg and was wearing these red satin looking 3 inch heels that were too trashy for a hooker. But anyway, she was there with her hubby and little girl, but she still sort of scared me a bit. The looking good comment really just meant that she looks good because I thought she would be on crack instead of a member of society. You know, sometimes I think i am way too judgemental, because I am even though I say I'm not. Really, I am. I need to work on it. Because the moment I saw that big fucking tattoo, I thought "carnie" instead of "nurse".
Anyway, it was a good wedding.
We have fuck all in our house for food. Baby kept asking for 'apple' today, which means juice, and we are out of juice. We've never been out of juice. Just realized we have no catfood either. The bitch is following me, meowing, trying to suck up so I'll feed her, and I got nothing. We have no tuna either. I took tomorrow off because my sister is on holidays so we have no sitter, so maybe I'll take the kids shopping. It's so hot and humid, I can't believe it. The humidity is fucking crazy. It was only like 26 or so today, but the humidy? Bitch, you could grow rice on my body....
Oh man, I have nothing to say. I read so many blogs of substance, and here I am, rambling with nothing to say.
Oh, it was a terrible couple of days on Thursday and Friday, but they worked out so I didn't have to blog about them. Long story short, my aunt was mad at me because I didn't call her back like I said I was going to because they wanted one of us kids to drive my parents to Cowtown. My aunt from BC is in Cowtown until next week and she wanted them to see her since my dad is losing it, and since their other brother is there and he's 79 and none of us could drive them there but long story short, daddy flew there on Saturday and is having the time of his life and comes home on Wednesday. Mom is here and whatever, that's fine ,they need to be apart. Anyway, my sister helped dad board the plane which was good, and even though he forgot to pick up his luggage, it was still there when they went back, and he's jsut having so much fun I guess. So I am so happy for him and them, and it all worked out. But the other night, it was fucking drama because I didn't find a way for him to get there. Well, fuck it all, I say. What else.... I don't think he'll remember that little lord fauntleroy is living there (that is a private reference about my nephew that only me, Chunks, and Margo know about, so ignore this everyone else), so that's good, because I don't want him hitting my dad up for money - I would tear him a new arsehole from my yelling if I found out he hit them up for $$ again..... but I refuse to talk about him because he's none of my business. But anyway.... what else.... I can't remember what else made last week so shitty, but it fucking was hellish. Rachel, my sexy wife with the new bathing suit, and I took Friday afternoon off and went to Christopher Lake, which is only 20 minutes from our house, and we spent the afternoon baking and swimming with the kids. We ran into our friends and neighbors, Sebastian and Lisa, who are house-sitting there for a few weeks, so we spent the day at the beach with them and then went to their place for dinner and then to the best frigging restaurant ever, the Yellow Fender, for ice cream, where i had bood orange sorbet that made me want to yell in orgasmic glee, it was so good.
So anyway, that's the week that was.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Big Brother : Could there BE a bigger bunch of crappy-ass contestants? I think not!

I really don't have a whole lot of anything to say. I am in a .... I don't know... pensive mood, tonight. I just feel a tad blah right now. Tonight all the sisters came over and we were planning the little thing we are doing in a couple of weeks for my parent's 50th, and this involved going through boxes of pictures and such, and I don't know, but ever since then, I've just felt a little out of sorts. Probably because my dad is deteriorating and my mother isn't handling it, and there is sweet fuck all you can do about it, and, well, there are aspects of life that just suck, pure and simple. And then my eldest daughter has been so weepy the past few days. My inlaw's dog had puppies last week, and one died, and she's been bawling about "Angel" ever since, and asking 4 million heaven questions, and crying and it's heartbreaking. And again, it's one of those points where life just sucks trying to make little kids comprehend all the shit.
And then there is that 12 year old who killed her family in Medicine Hat and only is going to serve 6 years in jail. I don't care if she's 12 - I have no sympathy. Call me cruel. But the little monster needs to be thrown on an island with Karla Holmolka and left to be eaten by tseste flies infected with whatever the hell it is they are infected with - I don't remember.

LOL, and this post was only going to be a Big Brother 8 reflection. Well, I can sum it up in one sentence: Boring fucking people.
Ok, I have no strong likes yet, but the ones who annoy me are as follows:
First, Kail - oh, I can't stand the bitch, even before her gay lifestyle comment. She just seems like a stuck up bitch, and the whole "the whole town works for me" made me want to pop her in her big, ugly nose. She may have money, but she'll always be dog bait. Ok, that's mean. But her personality is dog bait. And she aligns with the alpha males, and those are the ones I always hate, so she's suspect. Go back to the Dairy Queen you own or whatever, where you are a star, and get the fuck off of my tv.
Then there is Joe. Oh, you creepy little drama queen, go back to booking appointments for the Dakota Fannings of the world. You suck. And you are ugly. And you are so annoying that I really hope that your ex DID give you the clap - in fact, I wish it was oral gonnereah because then maybe your throat would be sore and you would have to shut up. Because, my friend, you ain't no Doogie Hauser.

And then there is what's her name - Titty McBoobjugs, you know who I mean. I am sorry, but obviously, you are mental. I guess I would be crying if that was me in that picture too, because yes, it was pretty fucking ugly, but you know what? So are rubber boobs. I love me some boobies, but to be honest, the thought of fake ones sort of grosses me out to the nth degree, and I think they'd be a buzz-kill. And you, my dear, look like you are full of rubber and shit. And all the silicone in the world ain't gonna make you pretty. If you become pretty on the inside, then you wouldn't need those boobs. And honey, you ain't never gonna get a date outside the house now, because if you cry at an ugly picture of yourself, what will you do when your man accidently farts during sex? You are too much work.

I can't comment on the guys, because, to be honest, they all just sort of combine into one alpha male, you know, the type that I never trust and the ones that always make me slightly nervous, like they are gonna sucker punch you - it must be leftover high school issues or something. In any event, you all suck too - And dude, if you are a former NFL star, and you are what, 20, then you must suck, because fucking Doug Flutie is old enough to be your daddy and he could kick your ass on the field, so, well, I feel sorry for you.

I sort of like the secret house guy or whatever he's called, but he was sort of annoying when he was wrapping his gangly arms all over the place.

I was soft on that blonde girl, but her father, Tommy Lee, is so creepy that I can't figure out what the hell is going on there.

I usually cheer for the sista, but Jamal-ita or whatever her name is, looks annoying. So I dunno, I might not be down with the homies after all this time.

Oh, and that bitch with the squeeky voice, the nemesis of Carol? If I could drop kick you over the gates of CBS, I so would. No offense.

I am not going to watch the Hamster watch this year, so the show won't lose interest in it.

Anyway, that's all I have to say tonight. I'll save my analysis of Canadian Idol for another night - and why no Rockstar this year? That totally sucks....

Anyway, this is Julie Chen, saying goodnight from the Big Brother House.