Thursday, June 30, 2005

off to lake

Off to the lake for the weekend, but major fucking news that I will report on Sunday night!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Hey, Hey, My, My..... Well, I have no snappy title to go along with this - I just have the song Hey Hey My My by neil young in my head...

Good evening peeps. I am so very tired so I don't know if I am even going to say anything. Really, really tired. Tomorrow will be a long day too - we are having this staff thingy on this ranch, complete with hay rides and all. I am so not game for it, but I will try. I was trying to have a bad attitude about it, but I ended up saying probably the most stupid thing ever. I was talking to Sharon at work, on the phone and bitching about it, and we are always ying and yang, and balance out our crabbiness. So, I call her extension and say "I so don't wanna go to this thing. I hate horses. And I hate hay" and she interupts me and says "you hate HAY?" and then I realized that indeed, I am crazy. So, going to go, and maybe have fun. Fun fun fun. Yee Haw. LOL "I hate hay" - if that isn't the stupidest thing that ever came out of my mouth, I don't know what is.
So I spoke to my friend last night, the one who is in a new relationship, and I must say, she is quite happy - indeed, she exudes happiness. And my once reclusive/guarded friend is so different. So my friend (I won't mention any names, but her's rhymes with a city in North Dakota and a movie that won Frances McDormid an Oscar) is very happy, and I say right on. Life is too short to always be guarded honey. As my dear Joni wrote a few years ago, after coming home to Saskatoon in her 50's with her younger boyfriend (the one who she left her husband for) and being completely rebuffed and insulted by her mother because she did not accept the relationship, "For God's sake Mama, I'm middle-aged and time moves swift, and happiness is the best facelift." Not that my friend "Fargo" is middle aged or anything, but life's too short, and time does move swift, and indeed, happiness is the best facelift. So, you go girl.

Hmmm, my ice maker in my fridge doesn't seem to be working or something. I am starting to panic because I hate to be iceless. LOL, yes, I am crazy, but I stress about dumb little things like that. Oh, wait, it's making noise, maybe I jumped the gun.

I am watching Dateline right now (yup, I've given up my Latino porn on the Latino Channel) and it's about the De Vinci Code and I wanted to read it because it's such a big cult followed thing, but Stone Phillips is confusing me so much I have no idea what in the world he is talking about. Oh sometimes I can't stand how dense I am.

Oh, anyway, so yesterday I am watching my MuchMoreRetro (Canadians, call your local cable provider - commercial free retro!) and they play " Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Starship. Well, I don't think I've ever seen the video or something. Now I know the song was from the movie "Mannequin" but the band also acted out their own version of it, and there is good old Grace Slick playing a mannequin in the video. Let me tell you, did I laugh. It was just so crazy. She's standing there like a mannequin and then poof, she's singing and it's so stupid. You gotta see it. Funny as all hell. Actually, I read good old Grace SLick's autobiography, and it was good. You see, I was always sorta a fan. I loved "Someone to Love" and "White Rabbit" and had to get "Surrealistic Pillow" years ago. But I also liked the radio hits of the Jefferson Starship, like "Jane", "Count on Me", and THE best one "Miracles" - there's something about the way Grace sings "BABY" when she's going "baby - oh baby - oh baby" you know the part - that's so good. But I also liked them into the 80's when they did their album "Nuclear Furniture" which is so hokey now I can't believe it, but I loved the song "No Way Out". So when Starship came out, I couldn't completely dislike them because I mean, Grace was still in the band, so it had to be cool somehow, right? LOL, "We Built this City" - I can only stomach it because it reminds me of grade 10, and whenever I hear it, I just get these vivid image flashbacks - listening to a.m. radio, smoking in Margo's Nova before school, the smell of Aquanet, my favorite green shirt, eating fries and gravy in the cafeteria, living at home... yeah, good times. So I can't dislike it because it brings all that back. And you know, "Sara" does the same thing. What was the other single off that album? SHit, I know there was one. Lemme google it - oh, "Tomorrow Doesn't Matter Tonight" - LOL, I just played the clip of it from Amazon - oh man, I feel like I should be at some bush party or someting.
Anyway, Grace was mortified by the whole Starship thing in her book. Just mortified by it. But as she said, she made some money, so it's all good.
So I never know where this blog is going. It's like free association.
Hey, you know what two bands I loved as a teenager but totally forgot about? SImple Minds and The Fixx. Where are they now?
Well, I guess I should really get to bed. Got a long day at the ranch tomorrow. We are supposed to go until like early evening. Yikes. I ain't getting on a horse, I can tell you that. I am also not getting on any hay - you know how I dislike hay and all.....
If I ever had to do a personal ad, it would read something like this:
I like rainy days, cats, Joni Mitchell, Stevie Nicks, rubbing my feet on the sheets and soft core Latino soap operas. My turn offs include Susan Powter, mimes, and hay.
Have yourself a merry little Wednesday,

Monday, June 27, 2005

thought of the day

No time to blog tonight - just one observation: Why is it that when i go to bed and get ready to fall asleep, I rub my feet against the sheets and the mattress? I know someone else who does it - why is this so soothing? Anyone else do this?
Anyhooo, that's the thought of the day. Now I am heading up to do just that.
Have a great day everyone.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

The Most Scatological Blog on the Internet, Bar None!

I seriously have 10 minutes to blog, because I still have shit to do for tomorrow and it's almost midnight. Just let me say one gross story to kick off your Monday. So yesterday, everyone kept popping over, while we were doing stuff outside. Remember, as I have said, our basement is a disaster - has been for 2 weeks, but we haven't gotten to it. Now, my nephews come over and the kids all go downstairs and I am all "Go outside! It's a disaster!" but no, they stay down there and everyone is "Let them play while it's messy". So, they stay down there a bit and then go outside and then I run down to do some laundry. Well, walking down the stairs I get this overwhelming stench of shit hit me, so I think "Holy fuck, the dog got into the ex-lax". Well, I run down and don't see anything. And then I see this brown stuff from behind the chair. Then I see a pile of shit smeared on the wall, on the floor, done with a kid's broom. Well, I am freaking and yelling "there's shit all over" and Rach runs down and says "it's dogshit" and I am thinking no frigging way, because nothing that big could come out of my dog's ass, as she's the size of a frigging rat - well, not really, but she's horridly skinny. So I spend like 2o minutes cleaning up this shit and bleaching everything to high heaven. You could perform surgery on this damn floor, it's so clean now. Anyway, I get that corner done and open windows and spray lysol. Then I go talk to the kids, and since they aren't my kids, I just say "You never do that. If the dog poops, tell us, don't ever touch it" and whatever. WELL, I go back down there a little later and it smells worse than ever. So I snoop around and see, on a frigging PILLOW, what looks like more shit. Well, I am so pissed off but the parents don't say anything so I just leave it. But I am obsessed with the smell, and scrubbing all over the room, on my hands and knees trying to figure out why it smells on the coffee table when it's clean. Well, long story short, in addition to the shit, there is a sippy cup, from TWO WEEKS AGO, that was sitting there that they also knocked over and did whatever to, which contained chocolate milk, which rotted and stunk like dog shit. Now, you are thinking "what pigs" but seriously, we haven't gone downstairs since then into the family room or the playroom. So, being the clean freak germophobe I am, I am pretty much ready to use fire to cleanse it.
So that get's cleaned and then later Keryn tells me it was her COUSIN who pooped and smeared it, and also pooped on the pillow. Why you ask? I don't know..... So, that was my Saturday.
Anyway, I have no shame for telling that story. But alas, I must run, because it's midnight and I still have to get shit together for tomorrow.
Have a great Monday.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

I ate Radish today and other random warblings

So it has taken me this frigging long to watch this week's Canadian Idol, and I still am not through the entire episode. On what I have seen thus far though - hideous people this week. Last week they were all so good, and this week - well, it's laugh until you vomit time. The Saskatoon dude which the judges were all creaming their jeans over was just hideous. I wanted to slap him (not punch, just slap - he looks slappable, if that makes any sense). And so damn full of himself. I prefered the French chick, but they almost made her cry. And really, Sass Jordan - why is she so critical?? She ain't no Ella Fitzgerald - Hell, she ain't no Rita Coolidge. Hell, she's barely better than Alicia Bridges or whatever her name was - the chick who looked like Susan Powter and sang "I Like the Nightlife". Hey, speaking of Susan Powter, where is she? Man, she was annoying. I remember her wheeling out this huge tub of baked potatoes and saying you could eat 37 baked potatoes or something for all the fat in a bag of chips or something, and I mean, if I wanted to eat 37 baked potatoes, I'd eat 37 baked potatoes, but I just want the frigging chips, so put a sock in it, creepshow. Ah, but she was refreshing. Well, no, she wasn't - I am just trying to stop being mean.
But I gotta say this about Idol - as much as I was so inherently against the Mulroney government when they were in power, and as much as you just don't want to like him, Ben Mulroney is an excellent host, and is so freakin' NICE to the contestants and will say something nice to them no matter what. Seacrest could learn something there. So yes, I like Ben Mulroney. Now let's never speak of this unpleasantness again.
Roxanne wanted me to comment on panic attacks, but I am too tired, so I will save that for this weekend. As horrible as they were (and are, although it rarely happens now, knock wood), I got some funny stories, but I am just too tired tonight, so remind me to post about them this weekend. I will say that when Margo and I both actually blurted out that we had them, it was like so hilarious because then it all just came spilling out: "I can't ride the bus now" - "Oh yeah, I can't go to a movie" - lol, oh nevermind, I'll explain it later.
I was going to post the picture we got from the ultrasound, but alas, my fucking printer/scanner isn't working - it keeps saying it isn't recognizing something or something like that. i dunno, I'll have to find the software for the damn thing. Baby looks like me though.. LOL. Oh man, we will have 3 kids soon... I can't believe it.
ANyway, TGIF tomorrow like you wouldn't believe. Oh, just tried to post to Rosie, and the fucking thing is closed again after 59 posts. WTF... hmmmmph, I guess I won't comment on the Divine/blow Up doll picture after all! By the way, I gotta say this: i thought she was hot in Exit to Eden... LOL, thank God she's never come here, but damn, baby had it goin' on!
p.s. - one more dumb thing I said today - I ate a radish out of our garden and told Rachel after, out of the blue "I ate a radish today." She paused, said "oh yeah" and went about her business. Then a few mins. later I said "well, they came up fast" and she was all "oh, didn't know what the hell you were talking about - I didn't really care if you had a radish today." LOL, we are such a cute couple, ain't we?
Anyway, gotta get to bed I guess. Just finished Rereading Running with Scissors. i need something good to read, damnit.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Kid Fears (no, not the Indigo Girls song)

Hey kiddies, how the heck are y'all? I am pooped out. It was hotter than heck today, like 30 degrees and then the humidex made it feel like 37 or some such temperature, so it's just brutal. Of course, it's worse down south, where I saw humidex's in the 40s. So, we are roasting. Right now, the temperature in the house is something like 82 degrees (my thermostat is in farenheit) but we put our window air conditioner in tonight, so at least the bedroom will be cool. Tomorrow it is cooling right off, and will be only like 20 or something. Strange summer again - hardly any heat thus far. i wonder if it will be as bad as last year. But anyway, talking about the weather for so long makes me sound older than I am so I'll stop.
Anyway, been a busy past couple days, and I am tired as usual. And the house is a frigging disaster still, but I have no energy to do anything about it. Nice suprise today - my parents GAVE me their van. GAVE it to me. Just called me up at lunch yesterday and said "are you still looking for a van?" and I said "yeah, just something cheap for around town" and they said "want ours?" and I said "how much" and they said "um, $1?" and told me they have given my other sister old vehicles before and helped my other sister out and blah blah blah and gave us the van. It's old, like 1991 or something, but my parents are old, so it's in great shape, and so there, we have a van to get around in with the kids, AND they told us to keep their plates on it until it expires in October. So, that was a bright thing. Keryn is so excited. Man, it's so awesome to see things through the eyes of a child.
Well, I hate to talk about other people's blogs, but I just have to. Roxanne made me almost vomit with laughter (LOL, vomiting with laughter - good book title, isn't it?) about the stupid thing parents tell you as a child. In her case, the grownups told her that some old crazy lady lived upstairs at grandmas to keep them off the stairs. WELL, I have no story that crazy, but isn't it funny how you get spooked by things as kids and don't know why? Well, for some fucking reason (this is going to show just how mental I am), I was scared of this plate thing at my parents' friends house. You see, we used to go to this lake every summer where lots of my parent's friends had cabins. Well, their one friend had this cabin and in the kitchen it had this decorative plate, that was just this black guy in a chef's hat holding a spoon. Now, when I think of it, it's probably some of that racist memorabilia shit that you see on antiques roadshow, although I can't really pinpoint why it's racist. But anyway, it was this harmless plate. However, since I was little I was scared of that thing. it totally freaked the fucking shit out of me. So we'd go visiting there and it was all I could do not to stare at the damn thing. Then, we'd stay there sometimes when they weren't there, you know, borrow the cabin. WELL, I used to make my mom take the frigging thing down the second we got there. Now, the stupid thing is, the last time we stayed there, I was like 13. We walk in, I see the fucking plate, and I made a bee-line for the thing, grab it, shoved it under one of the beds, and that, my friends, was that. Now, thinking back, it's pretty pathetic that I was scared of this thing, but something about it just freaked me out.
I was also scared of the cover of "The Ghost of Flight 401" and had to hide that book. I was also scared of knocking lamps over, because I had it in my head that the house would burn down if the lamps fell over. We think mom must have told us that because we all sorta have memories of that, and they all say I was quite freaked out about it. If someone was wrestling or something I'd like scream that the lamp would fall and the house would burn down and I was just in a snit. I am so frigging twisted, aren't I?
Margo and I had the convo once about kid fears and she said she was always scared of quicksand, and you know, me too. I was always thinking I was going to end up in a big batch of quicksand somehow, like on Gilligan's Island, and sink to my death. I was also scared of Saskquatches, fish bones, and killer bees. It was always the damn killer bees were going to come from texas - they move 300 miles north each year! the playground pundits would say.
Now, so my parents didn't exactly make up too much shit, but in their own way, they were funny enough. Like one time, when we still lived in B.C., we were in Regina on holidays and we were going to visit friends of my parents who had a severely retarded son. So we are on our way there and my dad is all "ok, now JT, Darryl is retarded so don't say anything or ask anything about him" and I mean, what the hell did he think, that I had never seen a retarded person before or that I was going to point and taunt or ask the parents "why do you think he's retarded? Did something happen during your pregnancy?" Like, come on. So that just made me freaked out, thinking he was going to be drooling and rocking back and forth and freaking out. We got there and he was already in bed, but I was so worked up, it's no wonder I have panic attacks now.
I also remember having to go to the sex ed thing with him at school. it was so lame and i didn't want to go, because I knew everything and was like probably already doing some of it, but my sister made me go, probably more for dad than anything, so I went and it was so lame. We had to play floor hockey while the dad's watched the video, and then we watched the video with the dads and then went home. Well, the fucking video was something out of 1968 and even though this would been 80 or 81, it was soooo bad. And really all it was was some dudes prancing around in striped slacks with big hair and meeting these girls for like milkshakes and then like a shot of them shaving and treating their oily, oatmealy faces, and then standing shirtless while the voice over dude was like talking about how they have to use deodorent because they have hairy armpits now, and I remember thinking "this is an evening out of my life to tell me THIS bullshit?" and then it got into the sex stuff, but it was just a 30 second voiceover and made no sense. So, the dad's got a pamphlet to give us, and he wouldn't give it to me on the way home, but just sorta put it in his pocket, and then I find it 2 weeks later buried in my desk drawer. And that, my friends, was my formal sex ed talk.
Ok, I gotta get to bed before I melt.
Keep Your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars,

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Seedtape - Cool Invention or Cruel Joke?

Ok, this is yet again another 4 sentence quickie, but I am pooped out. I just want to ask gardeners out there this question, as I am still sort of a newbie - when planting vegetables, has anyone tried "seed tape"?? The reason I ask is that I am suspicious about it, meaning that I think it's a big scam and doesn't grow. You see, being the retard I am, I can't seem to like "measure" out seeds. The stupid packages will say something like "sow 1 inch apart and 1/2 an inch deep." Well, I can get the depth but for the life of me, I can't separate seeds with my stubby fingers, so it's always overkill - a steady stream of seeds all crammed together for the whole row. So, when I did my garden boxes this year, for example, I was flying through the seeds like nobody's business. And as I am too fucking dumb to know how to thin out my carrots and beets, I know it's a problem. So, I think I posted before that my sister Libby across the street is going to China this summer and isn't planting her garden so I said we would. So we rototil the fucker and it's hard soil and rocky in parts but still, we clean it up nice, and when I shopped for the seeds, I discovered "Seed tape" - the package said "we take the guesswork out of it for you - never thin again!" and I am thinking it's the cat's ass because it's this long tape looking strip with a seed in it, spaced evenly. So I plant two rows of beets and two rows of onions with the fucking tape, and then at home, I had two planters so I planted one of seed tape radishes and one of onions. Now, the onions didn't grow in the planter, but the planter IS fucked and has no drainage, and with all the rain this year, I understand that it just might have been flooded. But I checked Lib's garden tonight and no frigging beets and no onions. Even the frigging pumpkins came up.... and my radishes in the planter came up, but not the complete row. So what giveS? is seed tape just another thing that will let us down? Is it the new 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner (2 in 1's just don't do it, IMO)? Is it the new toothpaste and mouthwash combo (that doesn't work either)? is it the new Bold 3 laundry detergent (remember, it promised detergent, bleach, and softener all in one - now they don't even sell it)? Is it... oh hell, what I am trying to say is, did I do something wrong or does the shit not work to begin with? Or is her soil too ugly? Let me know. I was hoping on beets coming out of my arsehole - well, not literally, of course, but y'all know what I mean....
So that's the gardening woes. I put a bunch of spearmint seeds in this big ole pot but it got flooded and didn't come either... should I reseed the mint and beets? It's been 2 weeks at least.
Well, I better get up to bed. Oh, father's day - Keryn wanted to buy me a new ring, she kept saying all week, and so she did - a big thick silver band, and she bought herself a matching one. it was so cute, but the ring finger on my other hand is gibbled - my knuckle is gnarled or something and it's a bitch to get anything on it, so it's an effort to take the thing off. Rach bought me a new outfit too. But the best present was this morning. I was sleeping in Keryn's bed (yes, she still wakes up at some point in the night and I go in there and end up falling asleep there until morning, and Rachel has the same thing with Kim, so I dunno what the hell we'll do when the baby comes - adopt a maid?), and so she's waking up and I am trying to sleep and she pokes me in the back and says Happy Father's Day (no idea how she remembered) and plants a big kiss on my face. That was the sweetest, best gift.
Ok, gonna go finish PIN - anyone ever see this Canadian movie? This brother and sister treat their dr. dad's examination dummy like a brother, and then the brother is like crazy and uses ventriloquism to speak for PIN and it's a creepy-ass show, and it's on now.
Have a good Monday all - I have tomorrow off, so I will be hangin' outside if it's nice!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Life is a Highway Indeed

Well, I am just getting ready for bed, but sorta waiting for the Tom Cochrane concert to end. No, not on tv, but in what feels like my backyard. It's 11:35 p.m., and Tom is doing some free concert here in the park, and it was supposed to be in a park far away from here, but it is storming and raining, so they must have moved it to the grandstand, which is a stone's throw from here. So imagine my suprise trying to get Keryn to bed, late as hell, at 10:30, and then this loudspeaker is blasting something and then "White Hot" starts blaring. I was pissed off, and also mad I didn't go because that song took me back at least 20 years, and suddenly I am a kid again, and he sounds really good. Just heard Lunatic Fringe and Boy Inside the Man, but then it started hailing, so I came inside and closed the window.
The day was spent farting around here, and tomorrow will be much of the same, trying to get everything done. Keryn had her cousins here all day and night, so the basement is, well, destroyed, so it will be a couple hours putting it together again tomorrow. But they had fun, so that's the main thing.
I really and truly have nothing to say. Not one thing. So, am going to finish writing a letter to city council (I'll explain that saga tomorrow - it's a long boring story) and get my ass in the tub and finish rereading "Running With Scissors." I am already sad it's almost done, because then I can't reread it for at least a year.
Have a good Sunday!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Scientologists, don't read because you'll just be mad that I equate y'all with Jehovah Witnesses and Moonies

Oh man am I ever fucking tired right now - ooh, sorry, I guess I should say "freakin'" tired like some TBS dubbed show, but well, fuck it....
Anyhooo, TGIF. Today was a quiet day at work. Nobody was there. I mean it - nobody. There were 3 of us on my floor. We get either Friday or Monday off for Aboriginal Day - no I am not making that up - and everyone took today, so I was smart and worked my flat little arse off this morning because nobody was there to disturb. Then this afternoon, I took Keryn to work with me, which she loves. Tonight we took her to her first movie - Madagascar or however you spell it - lol, even graduate school in English couldn't teach me how to spell. Anyhoooo, it was actually a really cute movie when all is said and done. We had to sit in the front though, so my eyes are all bugged out. I kept thinking I was going to get all motion sick at first, being so close. It was Blair Witchy to sit that close.
It's strange weather. Thundering and heavy rain right now - first thunder really this year, which is disappointing, as I love storms... LOVE THEM. Down south, there are severe storms going on, and "tornadic activity" is likely, according the Weather Network. The top story this morning was flooding in Alberta, and storms and tornadoes in Sask. It's supposed to rain tomorrow too, which, although I love rain, I really wanted to hang out outside. Ah well, we gotta clean up because it is a disaster. You know it's bad when you literally don't know what you are stepping on, and I was just in the bathroom, and didn't question why there was a huge Costco sized bag of Cheezits sitting on the counter. I just leaned over them and washed my hands. LOL, it's been a long week. My cat is frigging spastic right now, running all over trying to tell me something, but she has food and water, so I don't know what the hell she wants - I feel like yelling at her "Is Timmy down the old well? Is that what you are trying to tell me?!"
So Roxanne elaborated on poor old Lurline - it seems she dressed all wonky for halloween and looked like she had oatmeal on her face - LOL, the image is, well, startling. Where did you go to school Roxanne? Sardis Elementary?
But anyway, it's so hard being the new kid, so it was sweet that Lurline and her sister befriended the new kid. When we moved to Saskatchewan, I was 12 and it was November, and it was just hideous. It was pure culture shock, because my friends were so different in B.C. and the school I went to in Sask was really blue collar and backward and strange. So, needless to say, I didn't make friends when I first got here, and there wasn't even cable tv. The two stations went off the air at midnight, so I couldn't even turn to tv for comfort. This dude, Quinten, who lived down the street in this group home befriended me and always wanted me to come to the group home, because it was his night for the Atari, but I made excuses like hell to stay away from him. It was nice he made the effort, but I just couldn't do it. LOL, I remember being so freaked out because the kids all called lunch "dinner" and I wondered what time warp I was in. I did hang out with Craig for a little while, this massive kid, who turned into like a 300 plus pound football player, and like 6'5 or so, and then he turned bikerish, and now, apprently, after working in the mines in Yellowknife, is now in Saskatoon, living as Heather, a pre-op (maybe post-op by now) transexual. You just never know, do you?
Speaking of sexuality stuff, I know I've said it before, but who believes Tom Cruise is gay? This whole Katie Holmes thing confirms it, because for someone so private and reclusive to suddenly start blabbing everywhere how in love he is with this little girl, methinks he doth protest too much. The proof is in the pudding, folks - ok, I don't know what that means, but I have always wanted to say it. I think all those scientologists are gay, with maybe the exception of Kirstie. And you know, why does the media just respect it so much? I mean, if Courtney Cox because a Moonie, wouldn't everyone have a field day? And I mean, tell me, how are Scientologists different from any other cult? Not meaning to be judgemental, but give me a break. CULT! Enough said. Oh, and did u see Katie Holmes on Regis and Kelly talking about their relationship? She was so uncomfortable, it was such a crock. But I'll shut up, because what do I really care? I am just typing to type as always.
Hey, I was just channel surfing, and has anyone else noticed that the Latino channel, TLN or whatever it's called, is like soft core porn at night? Man, these people were going at it like rabbits, and the commercials were for phone sex lines and these topless latino ladies squeezing their boobs together and saying stuff. And conversely, Showcase seems to have no more of the soft core late night foreign programming. Interesting.
Ok, one more thing before bed - I was thinking of the comment from that woman who said my swearing made me seem 19 (I was offended, but then, well, fuck it), and then I realized it's been 16 years since I was 19, and then I was trying to think of if I was hip enough to be 19 now, and, well, sadly, I couldn't. When I was 19, I was wearing acid wash jeans, and hypercolor t-shirts, and desert boots, with my mullet that I could also put in a pony tail, and watching City Limits on MuchMusic, trying to keep up my cool quotient, and collecting new wave music. LOL, I have to see if I have any pics of me from that era - it was hideous, so I gotta share. Margo will also remember my infamous perm - LOLLLLLLL oh man... I looked like Mike frigging Brady. And I was terrified of getting it wet for the first couple days. Little did I know that the thing would take like 6 months to grow out. Good times.
Well, I really gotta get to bed. I gotta get up early tomorrow and hit Superstore - cherries are on sale at Sobeys for 2 bucks a lb or something, so I am hoping SS will match them. Yup, pure excitement. I also have to look for a phone. We have gone through another cordless. Bollocks!
OK, have a good Saturday my peeps!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Would Dolly Parton's "Jolene" been as Successful had it been titled "Lurlene"? Discuss

Now, I don't have time to post anything, because I have gotten caught up on the internet tonight, and then my cat is freaking out and fighting with a cat on the other side of the window, and I am about ready to call it a night. However, I must make one comment to a comment I received from Roxanne. You see, coinky-dinkily, it appears Roxanne and I actually lived in the same area at the same time years ago. I lived in Chilliwack, and she lived in Sardis, which is attached to Chilliwack - actually, it is part of Chilliwack, but back then, Sardis and Vedder were like little towns attached to the city (not anymore - they are where everyone lives now, and that's where all the development is - freaked the hell out of me, but nobody else will care, so I will shut up). Anyway, Roxanne says the most crazy thing. She says something like she had two friends, named April and Lurline. Now, I have to say it: LURLINE?? Are you sure it was Sardis you lived in, and not Butcher Holler or something? I mean, Lurline? Who is named Lurline?? I remember the soap Texas when I was a kid, and they had this hillbilly woman on there named Lurline. We actually had a cat for a brief time named Lurline, and the name was because she musta came from hillbillies. It was Xmas season, and it was like 40 below, and in the Walmart parking lot, someone let out this cute orange kitten. So you know me, I save it and take it home thinking it musta jumped out of a car because she was still warm, and I thought I would call the radio stations and the SPCA and whatever and find the owners. Well, this cat stunk to high heaven of this hideous perfume - smelled like something that you buy in a 3 gallon jug from the dollar store. We did all we could, but could never get the smell out of the cat. Anyway, she smelled so hillbilly, we named her Lurline. We had her for a month and she wasn't quite right. She hated my dog and cat, she shit in my plants, and was just a smelly, hillbilly pain in the ass. We ended up giving her to our friend Claire, who had her for a couple years, and I think her boyfriend finally "took it hunting" because it kept pissing in their bed - if that isn't gross enough, it was with them in it.
So, the Lurline thing made me laugh - April and Lurline - classy lassies! God, they woulda been farm girls too I bet, dairy farm girls, because it was so farmish out there then. LOL, ah, doesn't take much to amuse me, does it?
Anyway, gotta run to bed, sorry this was short and boring.
TGIF like you can't fucking believe,

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Pretty Boring Post, if I do say so myself, Sorry.

Well, it's 11 o'clock and I am finally getting to sit down. So I am watching some show about how they make Real Lemon and drinking a cup of decaf. Yup, good times. Now they are talking about how they get the Real Lemon and Real Lime into the little plastic lemons and limes. I guess I've never actually sat down and thought about how they made Real Lemon before. These factory dudes are all excited about Real Lemon. They are rambling on and on about it. Interesting.
So tonight we had my whole family over to celebrate my mother's 70th birthday. It's been a really hectic week, and Rachel is getting one hell of a cold (I told her to quick kissing me last week when I was sick, but you know how irresistable I am - lol, good one, hey?), but the forecast was nice, so we thought we would BBQ hamburgers and everyone would bring a salad and we would just hang out on the deck. Well, it starts raining at noon, so we had to run home and clean up because everyone would be in the house, and blah blah blah. But it was fun. I am sure Rachel was bored out of her tree again, because as she says, we always talk about the same things and tell the same stories. We were talking about how I used to bowl at the old bowling alley in Chilliwack, and then the whole conversation started as to where the old bowling alley was and my nephew blurted out "Oh, here we go. All the talk with you people always goes directional - 'where was this? How did you ge there'? WHO THE HELL CARES?" LOL, but it's true. By the way, if anyone wants to know where the old bowling alley was located in Chilliwack, B.C., I sure as hell can tell you the way there in great detail!
Anyway, as soon as everyone left, the rain stopped and the sun came out. Go figure. I also broke the diet tonight - I ate a burger, tried every salad people brought, and had a huge piece of cake and ice cream - but fuck it, I deserve a little pig out every once in a while. Down 24 lbs as of yesterday, but I won't be suprised if 1 or 2 lbs are back, because of the big meal, no activity, and I didn't do the fucking water today - just wasn't in the mood to piss all fucking day at work.
Hey, anyone else loving the new Coldplay????
Rereading Running with Scissors - I gotta meet Augusten someday. Everyone, please read Augusten. Even SOH's mother in law is reading Augusten and Sedaris, for shit sake. You can too.
Hey, when the hell will Facts of Life and One Day at a Time be on DVD? I need a retro fix ASAP.
OK, Poll time - I work with this woman, who is a nurse, and she is a year younger than me. Well, long story short, it came out one day that she doesn't like french kissing. It grosses her out so very badly, so we always bug her. She says how gross the mouth is and how germy it is, but I mean, who gives a rat's ass - so, your thoughts - french kissing - gross or necessary?
Anyway, this is boring tonight, so I better put y'all out of your misery.
So, I'll talk at ya tomorrow - Rachel has her ultrasound tomorrow, so we will get to see our baby for the first time! Can't wait!

Monday, June 13, 2005

Michael Jackson, those stupid fucking parents, the candy corn saga, and an array of STD'S for your reading pleasure

So Michael Jackson got off, but the only thing I will say is why in the first place would anyone trust their child with him? And don't give me that they bought into the whole children are love bullshit he used to spout. I don't care if fucking Oprah took a shining to my kids - they ain't going to fucking bed with her. Ok, put this into perspective - say me, ordinary Joe Blow, befriends your kids, and I say "hey, I'm going to West Edmonton Mall and gonna take little Johnny. I'll get you guys a room and you can shop and gamble and whatever, and me and Johnny will share a theme room and order pizza and sit in the hot tub all night." Now, how quick would you be to call the cops or kick me in the nuts or banish me from your homes? Pretty quick I suspect. Add to that that I have had some funky face work, a caved in nose, bleached skin, and wore masks and called my child Blanket.... Like, I am sorry, but those parents are just as much to blame, and yes, I know, he wooed them and offered shit, but STILL - there are boundaries. Now me, if some celeb was like wooing me with shit for some reason, I will admit - I could probably turn into a celebrity whore pretty damn fast, and if Zza Zza Gabor or Phyllis Diller wants to feed me "Jesus Juice" and wants to watch me prance around by the pool naked, and in turn they will pay off my student loans and buy me a van, well, ok, they can get their freak on and I'll end up on easy street, and fine and dandy. But when some freak with a caved in face wants to take my kid - gimme a frigging break. So, unlike the poor men on Oprah today, I blame the parents in the MJ thing too. Now the guy on Oprah, he almost made me choked up and listening to him talk to his kids about being molested by the priest and then finding out the priest lives by him now and has kids, fuck.... the world is just so sick. I am so haunted lately too by all the reports of child porn rings that the Toronto police are trying to crack - CBC radio, which I listen to most days, always reports on these cases and it makes me want to throw up. Sometimes Pat Benetar is right, Hell is for Children. Ah, I gotta snap outta this doom and gloom, enough of Michael - and I do feel for him, because someone did something to him, besides Daddy beating him. Anyway, enough.
Gotta get to bed, but one funny story about how married people don't REALLY listen to each other. The other day when we had the garage sale, every relative was here and everyone's kids. Well, that night I was running out somewhere and came home and the kids were out of the tub - they had a bath with their cousins and I look in the tub and see all this crap in there - It looked like someone puked up 40 million cheese slices or something, and Rachel's mom says "oh, the kids had candy corn in the tub" and although I still don't know where they got it or why they had it in the tub, or even knew they even made candy corn still, I just accepted the fact that they somehow had some. So later, Rach is going to shower and I ask if she is going to have her shower in the main bathroom or our bedroom. She says the main one, so I say "oh then you can clean that candy corn" and she said "yeah" and that was that. So I get on the phone and a few minutes later she calls me and says "hey, come here!" and I go and she asks me what the hell is in the tub, so I say "candy corn" and she asks where it came from and I said I dunno, your mom just told me the kids had it. Didn't you wonder when I said something about it? Why did you pretend you knew what I was talking about?" and she said "When you said it I didn't know what the hell you were talking about so I just said yeah".... LOL, so when it comes down to it, we don't know what the hell we are talking about all the time.
OMG, that horrid Canadian show "Check it Out" is on TVLAND right now, and this guy is named "Jeff Pustil" - too close to pustile for me. Also, George Clapp is in it. Gee, after a night with George Clapp, you might end up with ole Jeff Pustil on your nether regions...
Ok, gotta hit the shower and get all the Off off of me.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Girth - the dirty word

Ok, seriously only have 3 sentences in me - went fishing as planned, and my brother in law caught a stugeon that measured 5 ft 2inches, and was 24 inches in girth - unbelievable. Oh man, I can't believe I used the word girth - it sounds like I am talking dirty! I feel like I should be saying "You think THAT girth is impressive, you should check THIS out!" LOL, sorry, I am pure trash.
Anyway, enjoy the pics - I'll post tomorrow - all my online time was taken up by trying to figure out how to use the damn picture posting thing.
Have a good Monday everyone!

Keryn and me Posted by Hello

Kim napping after a nice snack of Doritos Posted by Hello

Dale and I holding the 5 ft 2 inch sturgeon he caught Posted by Hello

Dale Posted by Hello

Sedate Fishing Spot Posted by Hello

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Sales Dismal, the smoking neighbor kidwith the long grass, and my version of channeling Hannibal the cannibal - good times

I should be cleaning up. It's suddenly a fucking disaster in here. But I am not. I came downstairs to throw some laundy in, and decided to check the blogs and stayed. Of course, kids coughing a bit, so again, this could be short. The garage sale was good yesterday, but today, there was hardly anyone out and about. It must be because it is the first weekend without the frigging rain pounding down. So, we just moved everything into the garage and then we are going to do it again on Thursday night and Friday night - these seem to be the big nights for sales now.
So, after that, everything is going to the Sally Anne or something - it's had it's chance and then it will be gone. Meanwhile, we've had EVERYONE here all weekend, and everyone's kids, and it's been crazy, and the place has shit everywhere, and I just don't have it in me to so anything. However, we like to have it all done on the weekend to start the week off because we are too lazy to clean on the weekdays, and my sister babysits here for the first part of the week, and now that I think of it, we are having my whole fucking family here on Wednesday for a BBQ for my mom's 70th birthday, so my ass will have to move sometime or other. LOL, I'd say I would take a day off work, but it feels like I am never there to begin with.
Tomorrow we won't get much done because we are going fishing. I can't wait. Oh course, we are going river fishing, and lord knows you can't eat anything out of this fucking river because of the mercury or lead or whatever it is that kills you, but still, it's fun. We are going to this place where the sturgeon fishing is good, so I am looking forward to it.
Oh, so back to Rosie's blog - you know how she is always like turning her comments off, but then turning them on? Well it drives me crazy, because if I have something to say, I hate it when I can't. It's such an ego thing too. However, I will admit that I can be as judgemental as all the rest. You know how all those people are always going blah blah blah, I love you and you are such an inspiration and all that bullshit? I just hate that fucking shit, I really do. And it annoys me when people go "Oh, I just don't agree with you because blah blah blah" and I was rolling my eyes at the breastfeeding post because this one woman went all crazy because Rosie didn't "support" breastfeeding wholeheartedly or something. WELL, I just caught myself being judgemental watching my neighbors tonight. There is this rental house almost across the street from me, and I know it's a young couple with a baby - never seen the dude until tonight. Well, their grass was so long, it was like past your knees and she was at the garage sale yesterday and told Rachel that she was so embarrassed because of it and they were looking to borrow a lawn mower. Well, I was going to go over there and give them mine, but then thought there was no way in hell mine would make it through that because, well, mine needs something done to it, but because I am not mechanical, I have no fucking idea what. Oil change? spark plugs? A kick in the frigging motor? I don' t know. Anyhoooo, tonight, right before sundown, I hear this lawnmover going, and struggling, and stopping and starting and I look out and see this guy cutting the grass there, and I recognize him - he's the dude who sold me my laptop. Now, he's this chubby little guy, still wearing his Future Shop shirt and name tag and stuggling like all hell, and I am kinda chuckling and was going to take my weed whacker over there, but then he quit for the night, and I was thinking it was nice to know who was in that house since it is a rental, and I know they have a baby, but every time I go to FS, I see him smoking outside the store, and I thought, all aghast - "ARE THEY SMOKING IN THAT HOUSE WITH THAT BABY?" since he doesn't smoke outside, since I woulda figured out who lived there by now. Well then I thought "whoa, who the hell are you, Potsie?" I had to chuckle because I am just as bad. Ah well, my parents smoked like chimneys and then my dad smoked a pipe later, and I can still remember all the trips 4 times a year to Calgary or Saskatchewan when we lived in B.C., and driving through the mountains, windows tightly rolled up, both of them puffing away, and the same for our house. Ah man, it's funny because now if someone is smoking on the street in front of my kids, I am shooing them away.... yup, times have changed, haven't they?
Well, I gotta go jump in the tub because I am covered in OFF - the mosquitos are insane here, and big like fucking free range turkeys. Perhaps I'll stuff one: "I ate it's liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."
Ok, Peeps, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

A p.s. to the week that was

P.S. to the last long, rambly post - amidst all the melancholy and introspection and promise to be a better person after the funeral this week, today Sharon and I were going through the Tim Horton's drive thru and we saw this woman we didn't know the name of, but who used to work by us and who is really nice. Well, I said "there's that woman who's really nice who used to work by us" and she said "yeah, what IS her name?" and then she said "she sure has big teeth" to which i replied "yes, they sure are huge" and then silence for a minute, and then Sharon came back with "hmm... bitch could mow a lawn with those things." And then we laughed for approximately, oh, 3 blocks....
Ah, well... baby steps....

Friday, June 10, 2005

The Week that Was... I'm glad it's over!

Good Eveeeening - sorry, just trying to channel Vincent Price there a bit. I don't know how much blogging time I have, as my daughter keeps coughing in her sleep, and if it's any indication of last night, I might be in there posthaste.
Soooooo kiddies, it's been one of those fucking weeks where you just are exhausted. I don't even know where to begin. Let's start with the present. I still have my cold. Enough said. It's been a week. I am sick of it. I am sick of blowing my nose. I am sick of holding kleenex to my nose when talking to people, trying to gracefully wipe large strings of snot protruding out of my nostrils (which never seem to end, by the way) so that I do not gross people out. I am sick of holding a kleenex in front of me even when I am not wiping away said strings, because I am unsure what is poking out of my nose. I am sick of having to look up my nostrils to see if the "coast is clear". I am fed up with the whole thing. Worse, the kids have been sick. Remember last week when Keryn was sick? Well, she's still coughing. Only at night, mind you, really, but still, last night was something else. She is coughing tonight too but I am dreading putting the vaporizer in her room because it makes it so damn hot in there. However, I believe the vaporizer moment is imminent, as I hear her coughing now... hang on, gonna try and do it without waking her.
Ok back - so far so good. Putting the vaporizer in her room isn't easy, because I have to close her window too, which is a production, because it's fucked up, so I have to take her screen out and grab the window, all because I am too un-handy to know how to fix it, and then close it, and then put the screen back in case I have to open it later because of the heat (the mosquitos are like swarms of birds or something this year), and then close her blind, because, being this is northern Saskatchewan, one of the few perks of this place is that it is 11:30 at night and I can still see slight light in the distance in the north, and then the sun like rises at 3:00 am or starts to anyway. So, it's a production to do these easy tasks.
Kim was the sick kid this week. I missed an afternoon, a full day, and then a morning of work this week because we were both sick, but she was REALLY sick. We took her in yesterday and she has bronchitis, but up until last night, I almost thought it was pneumonia, and I almost took her in at midnight, but then the antibiotics must have kicked in and she slept well. So, it's been just hectic with the sick kiddies. I hope Keryn has a good night. She's coughing up a storm. But anways....
So Rachel and her family had a garage sale here today and tomorrow. It's been absolutely nuts getting ready for this thing, and as Margo can attest, there is junk galore here. I am suprised it went off today, considering we were still pricing shit at 11 last night and going through stuff. So that's been another diversion this week.
So anyway, the week started out with me going to a funeral. One of our security people at work died after being hospitalized a few weeks with heart trouble. It was unexpected, and the funeral just put me in a funk. His son wrote this song and played it, and there was this line about him being lonely, and we all knew he was a lonely man because he was always sort of prying and stuff, and so then I kept thinking "what did you ever do to make his day" and all that stuff, and all the frailty of life thoughts went around in my head, and then I started thinking "someday, that will be you in that box" and wondered what kind of impact or memory or legacy I would leave if any, and if anyone would even really care, and all that fun stuff, and the whole we are all going to die thoughts were bothering me, and then I started to think about my parents dying and how horrid that will be and all that. So it was a downer. Then that night Rach and I had a little petty argument, and I was being pouty (but still sort of justified in my mind) so that put a damper on everything.
So Tuesday rolls around, and this was the height of my sickness, remember. The rain finally stopped pissing down and we were finally to get our damn sod that night. So, I was sick, Kim was sick, and we had to do sod, and were having a million people come to help, so I went home sick to take care of Kim and cook stew for the 19 people coming for supper because it's "Easy". Well, I leave work at 11 and go to Superstore. I am trying to get everything done so I can be home by 12, because I wanted to get the stew on before Rach had to go back to work . Well, I grab almost everything but can't find a couple things so I think I'll just stop at Sobeys on the way home. I also had to buy a big roaster, but the 25 lb roasters were like 23 dollars so I think "go to Walmart". So I run to Walmart, and no big roasters, so I have to run back to Supertore and time is ticking away and I am getting all stressed, and I don't get to Sobeys until 12. Well, by this time I am feeling sweaty and sort of fevery and weak, and then I am wondering if I am sick or having a panic attack or what. I just wanted to get the hell out of there, and the chick is ringing my items in so slow and trying to make small talk, and I was so pale and sweaty (my sister told me that morning - "you look awful" - just what you love to hear!), and all I can think is "if you don't hurry up and bag that shit faster, sister, I am going to throw up all over your stupid smock."
So I make it out of there and get home at 12:20 and run in and Rach says my sister Lois called and asked for me to do something for Dad, because he wasn't feeling good - he was having a stomach attack. This stomach thing seems to me like a gallbladder attack at it's worst, because it happened at Christmas, and he spent Xmas night in the hospital with this pain, and so they checked his heart out, and he's been for tons of heart tests because he's had it again a couple times since, but they think it's a stomach thing, but of course, all tests show nothing, so he is awaiting a specialist. So anyway, it still scares me because I always think it's his heart, and I saw him on Sunday, and he just looked so... I dunno... not himself. So anyway, I guess my sister called and asked Rach if I could do this thing for him because he wasn't feeling good, and my sister Leslie was still here because she babysits for us, and so she calls my mom , who knows nothing of this at this point, so then I guess Leslie gets all mad and tells Rachel my mom is a bitch because he's scared to tell her anything, and on and on, and so I come home, after this shitty morning, to all of this, and I am ready to lose it, so then Rach has to leave and I call mom and find out Dad went to the hospital to get checked out, so then I freak out, especially after the whole funeral thoughts the day before, so I am a wreck, and Kim is sicker than hell and I don't know how I am going to make 25 fucking pounds of stew. So I am trying the best I can, and let me prefice all this by saying that Rachel said the sod people said they needed a 10 foot by 10 foot place to put the pallets of sod down, and since our back fence has a narrow gate, they were going to put them in the driveway. Well, I see this huge sod truck drive by and see Rachel's car in the driveway. Apparently, she took mine to work. Well, that's fine, but I don't have a key to her car, so I start to panic that they won't be able to drop the sod off. Well, I am freaking. Just losing it. And then I see this forklift in the back alley, and I am thinking "what, are they going to drop it behind the fence?" I was so mad and freaked out, but it turns out Rachel called them before I got home and they said they could pile it up against our fence. So I was freaking for nothing.
Anyway, my dad was out emergency by like 1:30 I guess and having coffee at A & W with his retiree people that he goes to every Tuesday by 3:00, so I was panicking for nothing. I also somehow got the stew and salad made by 3:00, and we got the sod in - easy peasy, as Jaime Oliver would say. I'll take pics and post em once I pick up all the shit in the yard.
So then the next day I was home with Kim, and Thursday morning we took her to the Dr. So she's mending, but Keryn's cough is back at night, and I just want everyone to be well for once. Fuck, it seems like we've all been sick on and off for a couple months. Ah well, I should just shut the fuck up, shouldn't I, with all of those kids dying of AIDS in Africa and whatever. LOL, oh man, I still have some of the funeral angst in me, don't I?
Margo got here last night, and came over today for a quick visit and a bowl of chili. She says she will leave tomorrow already. This from the chick who always extends her visits. Methinks there is a woman involved in her decision! She got sort of defensive when I mentioned that, and she did say she had things she wanted to do on Sunday instead of travelling, but the clincher was when I said something about when she came out later in the summer and she said "I don't think I'm coming back." So she isn't coming back, which she does every year to spend time with her dad.... lol, it's because she's dating. But all kidding aside, I am so glad she's so happy - she deserves it. You deserve it, you exquisite beast, you! Ah well, maybe she'll change her mind about coming here in July, who knows. Seeing her for just a little while makes me think about how much I miss having her around. Damn technology - they can put a man on the moon, but they can't make some speed travel machines?
ooh, kid calling, I'll finish this later if I can - let's just say, I am glad the week is over, y'all y'all y'all!

I am alive

Hi all - just a sentence to say I am alive - I will TRY to blog tonight or tomorrow. Margo is sitting next to me eating chili saying "one sentence will not appease the masses. The two liner is not the massive thing we like to read in the morning." LOL, but really, I will try tonight, and fill you in on the week from hell and such.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

What's YOUR Colonic of Choice?

Where the hell does the weekend go? I can't believe it's Monday again. I so can't wait for holidays. So this weekend, we just puttered around the house and stuff, nothing exciting to report. However, I do not ever intend to be gross, but since this is a place to share, well, I'm sharing. So this morning I get up and I am craving this Oat Bran cereal that I love so much. Tastes just like Life cereal, but it's Quaker Oat Bran, in nice bite sized little squares, much like Life. However, there is one strange difference - it goes through me like shit through a goose. Strange thing is, I eat REAL oat bran every day, and it doesn't do sweet piss all to me, but this cereal, yowsah, yowsah, yowsah, as Chic would have said (Y'all remember Chic? Dance, Dance, Dance, Le Freak, Good Times.... damn, they were good). Anyway, I know the cereal will give me gas that would kill a small animal and make me run to the can over and over, but do I ever think about that? No. Instead, time and time again, I reach for the stupid cereal and say "Oh, I'll just have a little bowl" and think maybe my luck will be different this time. Well, that's the stupidest thing. So today, I really DID have a little bowl and man, it about killed me. We were outside in the afternoon and Keryn says really loud "Daddy, did you toot? or did Kim poop?" and the neighbors were outside, so I just pretended to sniff Kim's bum and say "oh, she must need her diaper changed." Another odd food that does it to me, and my friend Sharon at work: Any type of Julius from Orange Julius. I got a big one one day, and like 1/2 an hour later I am running to the can, and damn near almost had to light candles in my office because it was just killing me. Well then, one day Sharon and I were going for coffee and we were in the food court of the mall by our office, and she said something like "Well, I think I'll get an enema", meaning the Julius, and I just yelled "You too!?" So I dunno what the hell they are putting in those damn things, but they really gotta stop. So, sorry for the scatological diversion. I just had to share, because, well, I have no shame.
Ok, this has to be short because I have a couple things to do before bed. But, in response to my own post, the "8 Simple Rules for dating my lesbian best friend", I need to start one something like "Men are so fucking dumb sometimes". I am the first to admit it - our minds just aren't really, well, coherent sometimes. So the other day, Sharon and I are out and about again, going for coffee. It was like 11:00, and she wanted to pick up something for her lunch at the Pita place. So we go in there, and she orders this bruchetta pita pizza. Now, for some reason, I get it in my head that Rachel will LOVE this, so I say "hey, I'll get one too, and bring it to her at lunch." So I get the thing, and take it back to work, and the fucking onions alone stunk up my office so bad people were walking around asking what the smell was. So, I take it home, she takes one bite and is like "I don't like it" and asks why i bought it and I was all "Oh, I thought you'd love it" and then she says three simple sentences to me that just totally sums up how men just don't really process anything. She says "Ok, but, I don't like tomatoes. I don't like onions. I don't like bruchetta." I just started laughing because it's true, we both don't like tomatoes unless they are pulverized into sauce or soup or something, and the same with big hunks of onion. And, we both hate bruchetta. I remember this one time, about 10 years ago almost. We were visiting Margo in Calgary and we went to this restaurant where we got this complimentary bruchetta, a portion for each of us. Now, we both hate the shit, but the kitchen was situation like in the middle of the restuarant and the chef is like watching us from this window, so we are smiling and trying to choke it down and it was oh so painful. It was like being in Mel's diner and not being able to gag down his famous chili. Well, except we didn't have Linda Lavin tap dancing and singing with Mel Torme all over the place, and nobody told us to kiss their grits, and there was no stupid dingy walking around talking about parakeets, and Nancy McKeon's older brother with gigantic teeth wasn't there trying to be all cool... but I digress.
So, in a nutshell, sometimes we are, well.... mental.
Anyway, I really gotta run and feed my cat before she electrocutes us both because she's running back and forth in front of the monitor crying, which means she has no food, and her hair and the electricity from the monitor are making me nervous.
Have a good day everyone.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Ah, YOU think of the damn title for once....

Yo yo yo yo homies. What up? What in the hell is wrong with the internet tonight? Any website I visit, it's hit or miss if it will actually OPEN. I just posted this damn comment to Roxanne but it won't post it, and just says it can't find the server. How stupid is that? So Roxanne, I guess to give you the Coles Notes version, you aren't dying, Def Leppard rock - Pyromania is the album of grade 8, and Hysteria is the album of grade 12 for me. Memories... sweet memories....
So again, this should be short. I am all stuffed up and it was a long frigging day. I went to the cancer walk for a while tonight, but they had to do it indoors because of the rain, so it really sucks. I am not going to that memorial service in Regina tomorrow either. It would just be too long a day.
So anyway, I still feel like driving to Saskatoon tomorrow to go to Costco. It's just a little over an hour, but Rachel doesn't seem all gung-ho. Ah, we'll see. I just feel like doing something. I feel cooped up, and I don't know why. I also want to to Old Navy and go look for some shorts, if fucking summer ever arrives. I mean, we've had more rain than the coast. I've lost 18 lbs thus far, btw. But, don't all whoo hooo it, because it's like taking a glass of water out of the ocean. But just so ya know.
Oh, so anyway, my little Margo seems to be quite happy in this new relationship. I am so excited for her. I had to laugh at the comments to my last post. The thought of Roxanne making pork chops for years and her hubby not saying anything is priceless. I didn't mean let it go on for years, but you know how it is - you don't want to unintentially offend. I remember going out for pizza with Rach when we first started dating. She had told me she was a semi veggie, and it's true, she doesn't really eat much meat. However, when she said she didn't eat meat, I took it to mean that she was some veggie freak, and so we went out for pizza and I ordered this veggie pizza which was so fucking gross, and we were both piling shit up on our plate because we didn't like half the veggies on this thing, and it wasn't until later that I clued in that she wasn't some diehard veggie fanatic.
Roxanne also commented on the naked thing - I'm sorry, but with a 4 year old and a 2 year old around, ain't no way it's gonna happen here spontaneously anymore. I was trying to, well, to put it delicately, poop yesterday, and I had one kid trying to hula hoop in the bathroom with me, and another barging in saying "pooping daddy?" All I wanted to do was finish reading the fucking newspaper. Oh well, remind me of my complaining 10 years from now when they don't want to be seen with me.
Oh, speaking of sex, we heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time today! It always makes me sorta weepy. I just a fucking useless marshmallow. So, 16 weeks down, 24 more to go!
OOh, I hate to cut this short, but Black Christmas is on now, and I love that movie - scares the fucking shit out of me. Gotta see it peoples. Hey, let me leave you with a question: Does it not creep anyone out that Tom Cruise is dating Katie Holmes? He looks like her fucking father. That would be like me and Debbie Reynold's hooking up. Also, I think he is gay. I think all those Scientologists are, and they hook up with these other gay scientologists, or, in the case of Katie Holmes, they cast some spell on these partners and make them pretend the relationship is real. Oh, and since we are on the celeb thing, why would you fuck around on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie - she's one crazy-ass motherfucker. I mean, she carried a vial of Billy Bob's blood around her neck. She was married to that hillbilly. Do you need any more indications that she is crazy? Sorry, just was looking at an US magazine tonight, so that's where all that is coming from (or as my aunt calls it - U.S.)
Ok, I must go watch my scary show.
So, I will talk to y'all tomorrow.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

8 Simple Rules for Dating my Lesbian Best Friend

Ok, again this will be quick. It's 11:30 and I am getting sick. Yes, sick! Keryn's cough seems to be turning into a cold, and Kim is all whiny in her sleep and her nose was running tonight, and all day my throat felt scratchy, and I absentmindedly thought "Oh, I must have smoked too much today" and then realized I haven't fucking smoked for 3 years... and now the throat is sore, and the nose is stuffy, so obviously I haven't been taking my vitamin C, have I? It has been pissing rain all day, since last night, in fact, and tornado watch today. I love rain. LOVE IT. But when you have sod coming and want to get the fucking shit done, rain ISN'T fun. So I dunno what I am doing tomorrow - sod? the cancer walk? Funeral in Regina on Saturday? I don't know.
Anyway, I watched that Hit me Baby One More Time show, and it is so cheesy and stupid, and Mike Reno of Loverboy looks like he is going to explode. Tiffany looks knocked up and freakishly tall... What's up with that? I kept thinking she had a breast reduction, but then saw them suckers and realized it was Punky Brewster who did. Flock of Seagulls did great, but the guy showed his wife and she's straight from the trailer. Arrested Development was awesome. I forgot that I loved them so much back in the day. That one chick sure dances funny, though....
So there you have it, my opinion on that one.
Ok, and like forgive me, but Rosie - shit or get off the fucking pot with the comments. Keep em on or keep em off, but just DO something, damnit.
Oh, saw an old Cure video on Much Retro, for "Love Song" and I had to laugh. I mean, Robert Smith of the Cure was like Elvis to me. Really, I thought he was the cat's ass. However, watching this video, and I thinking "Would it have killed you to smile? EVER?" and like, the lipstick WAS really bad.... So there you go, I am obviously getting old, because the goth thing is becoming lost on me.... and REALLY.... I didn't WANT to be unhappy, and while I still love the Cure, they didn't have to look so damn unhappy all the time.

So Margo has a new love interest in her life, and I asked her the all important questions tonight. Now, since she is rusty at this stuff, I told her I'd give her a couple tips:

1.) You know it's serious when you fart in front of each other. The initial fart is the ice breaker and shows some sort of commitment to stay with someone who farts. It really bonds you. Time it right. If said fart slips out during sex, you have an awkward moment there...

2.) Margo's love interest (let's call her Rochelle) was making her dinner tonight and I had to laugh, since Margo is a notoriously picky eater. Soooo, Margo, you have to eat what they like for the time being. Even if you don't like it. Even if it's liver. Now, let me prefice this by saying that I have no idea what Rochelle cooked or if Margo would like it, but I have cooked for her and know she is picky. But now is not the time to be picky. Just eat and smile and a year from now you can say "you know, I really hate your skanky-ass pork chops" or whatever. Now, just smile, say it's delicious, and spit it into your napkin.

3.) In addition to the fart, stinking up the bathroom is a big event for the first time, or having the love interest in the bathroom while you are, well, for a lack of a better word, taking a dump. That shows commitment as well. Especially if you just ate beans or chili or something. Plan that one accordingly. Under no circumstances are you to say "OMG, what's that??" during the first year... well... EVER... unless you forgot you ate beets or something and need reasurance that you aren't internally bleeding.

4.) Always pretend you like the friends. Even if you don't. Just like them for now. You can ditch them later. Just grin and bear it. Now, Margo hasn't said anything about Rochelle's friends, to set the record straight. Remember, this is just general rules.

5.) Remember, you are more a couple than you think, so remember the consultation - "I am going for drinks tonight with the gang.... ok?" You don't want to alienate, and remember, people are touchy sometimes, so always include the other one, even if you are going to do whatever you damn well want, well, make sure it looks like it was their idea that you are doing it.

6.) They are with you because they LIKE you. Not because they need lasik eye surgery. not because they are on the run from the law. Not because they are crazy/drunk/have some fetish. They are with you because - suprise - they think you are hot. Don't over analyze. Just enjoy!

7.) The first fight - be the bigger person and swallow your pride and do something dazzling - flowers, songs, tears.... woo them back! To quote my Joni, fame and fortune can't hold you tight in the late late hours of the night....

8.) Finally, when you can be naked with someone for an extended period of time and not feel the need to jump their bones, like if you get out of the shower and stroll around, clipping your toe nails or squeezing a zit, or whatever, and you stand there and talk about getting groceries or Oprah or whatever and not feel the need for a quickie - congrats - you are married. (And I mean that in a GOOD way!)

Enjoy the Weekend peoples!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Have You Heard About the Lonesone Loser?

Ok, a quickie tonight. As y'all know, been busy as a motherfucker (I didn't know motherfuckers were busy, but the saying says they are, so who am I to argue?) with everything. First, let's go back to the weekend. Ah, the weekend! The weather was great for the first time this year, so we did a shitload of work outside. We also *almost* bought a van. We need a cheap van - just a used old thing, since we won't be able to fit 3 kids in the cars, and we can't afford brand new, and we found this awesome van for dirt cheap. It was like a thousand years old, but it was a Mazda MPV, or MVP or whatever the hell they are, which is what I wanted. We almost bought it, but it turns out the air conditioning didn't work, and ain't no way I am gonna get that repaired, because in our old car, it cost like 600 bucks. Then the dude pretends he doesn't know it didn't work and made up this stupid thing about how Canadian Tire maybe didn't recharge it well when they changed the timing belt, so of course we asked around and there is no need to disconnect the AC when you change a timing belt apparently, so the little fucker lied to us and lost a sale - I was willing to just say find out what it costs and deduct it and I'll buy it, but whatever. Little lying pants can just piss up a rope.
So we found the van on Saturday and were going to test drive it Sunday. Now, I need to back up. A couple months ago, I was upstairs at work, visiting some people from another department who I really think are cool, and we ended up singing (I can't remember why exactly, so don't pester me for details) "The Night Owls" by Little River Band, and then somehow started talking about how much we actually liked the band back in the day. Of course, I grew up on all that 70s stuff from my older sisters, and being the nostalgia whore that I am, I love it all still. Sooooo, anyhoo, a couple weeks later, I see that LRB were going to Regina's Casino, and told them, and since one of the women who was there that day coincidentally was moving to Regina in April, said we should all come down to this show. Well, little old me thinks it's one of those things people say and then forget about and y'all get on with your life, but turns out she buys tickets for me and this woman we work with. Well, I can't find any reason to get out of it, so I suck it up and just go - remember, Regina is a 3 1/2 hour drive from here. So anyway, Saturday arrives and we have so much to do and Rach is giving me a guilt trip and I am all sad because my time with the kids will be cut into, and the kids always cry when I am gone, so by 3:00, I was all sad. So we leave, me and this woman from work, and drive down there, and meet the other woman and her hubby, and they seem to think we are staying the night, and they bought food and booze and made up their spare rooms, and made dinner plans, while I am sitting there thinking "we can be on the road by 10 and be home at 1:30". So, the show.... let me begin by telling you there is one remaining original member of the LRB - the drummer. So that will set the stage for you. I mean, they were a perfectly fine band, but what the difference was of hearing them play as opposed to any band in a bar, I don't know.... So the show finally ends, and they find out I am forcing us to go home that night and they are all let down I can tell, but I was so homesick for my kids I was almost sick. I called them from the bathroom when we got there, and then I was thinking "it's bedtime, they will be crying for me" (I was right, they did). I was watching the show with Kiss' "Beth" going through my head - "just a few more hours, and I'll be right home to you..." So anyway, we then go to this trendy restaurant owned by my friend's brother in law (not the people I was with, a different friend, but I knew while the food was great, it was slow and a party place for the young and/or trendy at night). So it took fucking forever to get my fucking tandoori chicken and the frigging black bean whatever, and we don't get out of there until just about 12. Well, I know I put a damper on the whole thing, but really, I have no regrets in coming home. We almost hit a billion deer on the way home, but I was never so happy as when I rolled in the house at 3:40 am.... be it ever so fucking humble, peoples.....
So then I felt bad for giving up my Saturday night with the kids, so I took Monday off and had a great time with them. We met Rachel for lunch and then I took them to feed the ducks, and then shopping, and bought them new lawnmowers and we cut the grass and planted more veggies, and had a damn good night. However, Keryn started coughing that night and on Tuesday, Rach had to take the afternoon off to stay with her, and I took today. She coughs until she pukes. i took her to the dr., who of course said it just sounds congested, not infected, but of course to come back in a day or two if it gets worse. So, I bought her some codeine cough syrup for the first time in her life, and it calms the cough a bit, but I think it's making her dream crazy. She's been up twice in the hour she's been asleep, so I dunno, might be a long night. Tonight we planted more garden. My sister Libby across the street is going to China this summer (yes, China, some church thing) and said we could plant her garden, so of course, as soon as we got out there, it started pissing down rain. Supposed to rain for the next two days, which will be interesting, since the sod comes Friday afternoon. I am like triple booked this weekend. I don't know what in the hell to do. I am supposed to have the cancer walk on Friday, 7:00 pm to 7:00 a.m., and I thought I was doing my sod Saturday, so I was going to go until midnight or so. Well, now it seems we will try to do it Friday night. Then, at the same time, I was actually going to go to Regina on Saturday for a memorial service for a family friend at 1:00 p.m. Haven't seen them since I was 16, and as they are all on the coast, I know if I don't go, I will never see these people again in my life and so I sort of want to go - my folks will be there and everything too. Well, I wanted to go to that, and there is this 'do for work on Sat. night I am supposed to be at since I was on the organizing committee, so I could go to that too, but I dunno - that's 4 things to do. Don't know what will happen.
Shit, sorry, this isn't even amusing, just a recap of crap, but I had to write it quick because any second, my coughing daughter could be beckoning.
Oh, so Canadian Idol is on now. This is always more interesting than American Idol.
Well, sweet piss all else to say. i am so behind on everyone's blogs, I am embarassed.... Don't know if Margo is reading this with someone (I hope so! You go girl!), or if Roxanne has pissed out her stone and she can stop carrying around a strainer with her, or if KB is still in the heatwave, or if Brian has reappeared, or what.... hell, haven't even thought about Jann and Rosie....
Anyway, I'll post tomorrow, peeps.... Just had to get this out before y'all started dropping like flies.