Saturday, March 25, 2006


I forgot to mention that my lovely wife took me out for dinner tonight and then to the casino. It was the first time I was in the casino for about a year and a half and gambling has no appeal to me anymore at all. AT ALL. And, you can still smoke there, so we stunk so bad when we left. Anyway, maybe it's because I have no disposable money now that we have three kids, but I have no urge, and it sort of sucked just being there - never thought I'd say that. Or maybe because I have a friend who has a really bad addiction and was/is at least 30 grand in debt from gambling and whose entire paycheck goes to moneymart. She hasn't gambled for a couple months and has come clean to her family, so I think she might be on the mend, but it was scary to watch her. I have another friend who I am pretty sure is in the midst of the addiction, but who doesn't talk about it really, but I know from the friend with the bad habit that she has seen the other friend in the casino quite a bit when she was there, so I dunno.... But whatever, I don't miss it.
Anyway, props to my wonderful Rachel for the nice dinner and night out - not that she ever reads this thing anymore, but well, if she ever does, thanks babe, love ya.
Well, I really am going to bed this time.


It's my birthday tomorrow and if you are still stuck on what to get me, I want this:
If you all want to go in together on this house, feel free. It's a steal, really. It was a bed and breakfast for a couple years, and was sold in the summer, and now these folks are selling it. The B and B people were asking 255,000 and now it is down to this, so it's a good deal. Margo, it is just down the road from my parents' old house, same street, 3 blocks down. Not the best neighborhood by any means now, but I'd suck it up to live there... so, talk amongst yourselves and figure out who will get it for us - we'll act suprises, I promise!
Lest I sound ungrateful and such, I am so thankful for my beautiful house that I have, and I really couldn't ask for anything more - but damn, you know how I'd love a big character home to fill with more babies! And it has an attic......
Ah, well, I guess I should get out of la-la land. It's fun to dream though, isn't it? If I win the lotto tomorrow night, I'll put in the offer on Sunday...
So, I am not going to get all sappy and blah because it's my birthday. I have a Joni lyric going through my head right now, a song about aging called Nothing Can Be Done, which she recorded when she was in her late 40's. The chorus goes "I am not old, I'm told/ but I am not young/ and nothing can be done" and it is so melancholy "must I surrender the things I loved when I was younger/sweet embrace.... what do i do here with this hunger..." Because I am not old, but I am not young.... oh fuck it, I'm getting retarded. Nevermind.
I am so pissy right now because my laptop came with norton antivirus, and then it expired, so I bought it again and it is telling me it's expired now, but the frigging thing ISN'T, damnit. I could throw the thing out the motherfucking window. Yes, I am swearing needlessly. I am sorry. I sound so crass and stuff lately on this blog - none of my sweet, saintly innocence shines through...
So Chunks has no idea who Paul Davis is - y'all gotta remember "Cool Night" from the early 80s - "It's gonna be a cool night, just let me hold you by the fire light, if it don't feel right you can go..... come on over tonight... come on ooooover..." just download it. So, are my 6 readers left on this blog downloaders or am I offending you all when I suggest it?
Chunks, one more thing - you said Superstore didn't have Minute Rice - they NEVER have minute rice! My nephew used to work there, and it's so retarded because they will actually have stock in the back, but they aren't allowed to put it out - they hold back on different things each day, and he never knew why. It's so twisted. Oh, and we don't buy meat there because he has some horror stories about their meat at our local store.
Well, I better go to bed and rest up for swimming tomorrow. Have a great weekend all, and remember, I don't care what color bow you wrap around the house.....

Thursday, March 23, 2006


Ho-Hum... I am so exhausted right now, as usual, so why the hell am I sitting here when I have sweet bugger all to say? Ah, ancient Chinese secret, I suppose.
Nothing much to report - fighting this stupid cold, which is taking the wind out of my sails. Ah, I must be getting old if I am using expressions like that. Indeed, I am in fact getting old. It's my 36th birthday on Saturday, and it sort of freaks me out to be that old. I really do feel like I am still some pre-teen, waiting to be tucked into bed at night. Will I ever feel like a grown up? Why don't I? I still can't fathom that I am not a kid, and that more and more years go by between my actual childhood and my memories. It's so strange, this getting older business. I still look really young, so that's a good thing, I guess. I was told by this woman who cut my hair last week that I didn't look 30 yet, but then the bitch says right after "Oh yeah, you got the gray hair coming." I still remember making fun of Ann Romano on One Day at a Time when she threw a hissy fit because she was 36 and in between the "Damnit Julie" interludes she'd always yell, she was thrashing around and laughing and weeping that she was 36. "Shut the fuck up" I'd yell that that drama queen in my head, but maybe the bitch was right - how the hell did I to 36 so fast? Ah, I need to stop bellyaching, don't I? Someone give me a swift kick in the arse, won't you?
So anyway, not a whole hell of a lot to say, as I said already. Funny thing yesterday, which shows how horrible of a person I am. I was in Sobeys looking for a nice steak to BBQ, and who do I run into but this woman I've known forever, who is crazier than me even, named, oh, let's call her Judy. Well, "Judy" and I always seem to run into each other grocery shopping and we always blurt out these stupid things - case in point. Like 20 years ago, Margo and I were having coffee and in walks Judy and her friend, and they sat sort of next to us, but I didn't know they were there. Then, suddenly, I hear this gruff voice yell, "Hey prettyboy, wanna fuck?" Well, maybe you had to be there, but it was damn funny. Well, anyway, we still do stupid stuff like that, and so she says to me when she sees me yesterday "HEYYY, When did you get out of rehab?!?" which is one we've done before. We've pretended to be divorced people fighting over jewelry before too... ah, it just shows we are nuts. Anyway, I pointed out that I wanted to buy this particular T-Bone, but the damn thing was priced $6.66, and of course, I didn't want any satanic meat on my table, so it was a big debate if I should buy it or not. Well, she says "hey, check out how much my roasts cost" and she had this club pack of three beef roasts in her cart and the price said "$.09" - yes, that is correct - nine fucking cents. Well, I thought this was so funny and told her she had to try to get away with it. So she emails me at work today and says she got it through the till, and just had her hand on the keypad to pay by debit, and the frigging bagger lady yells "these roasts cost nine cents!?!" and the bagger woman is sort of slow and gruff, so then they had to hold the whole line up to price check it, and then the gruff lady carried her groceries out and Judy had to pretend she didn't notice it was priced wrong. I thought the whole story was hilarious, but does it make me a bad person to wish she could have gotten away with the roasts? I mean, the store drives me crazy because they never have sweet fuck all that I want on the shelves, so it would be fun to stick it to them, and I only go there because it's basically next door to my work. Ah, I dunno, maybe I am just a bad person. But it was damn funny.
So Margo asked her coworkers and her lover (LOL, sorry, the term lover is just so hillarious and dramatic - let's all try to slip it into a conversation today) - anyway, she asked Rochelle and her coworkers about the commercial of the old man with the big dick, and they all thought the same thing, that the old fucker was saying he was hung. I am telling you, it is very disturbing. Pretty much as gross as the other commercial that is icky - I've blogged about it before - about the couple reading the paper and then breaking out the KY. I am also quite sick of the whole cheese commercial thing with the people eating and then that old nutso bitch yelling "want your kids to leave home? stop cooking with cheese!!" Like, what dipshit came up with that one? Honest to God, I don't get what they pay these people for. "Oh, I've got one - let's have a grandfather with a stallion's cock sharing a moment with his grandson. Or how about a kooky old raisin trying to get the kids out of the house by not cooking with cheese - it will be the new "Where's the beef" - "don't cook with cheese!" Honestly, it's no suprise these two are Canadian commercials.
So, speaking of Canadian stuff, I forgot to mention that on Chunk's blog a while back, she mentioned the song "Big Hard Sun" by Indio, and it totally brought me back. I LOVED that song, from I dunno, 1989 or so. I just downloaded it tonight. Thanks for the reminder! I am also looking for an obscure Anne Murray song (shut up). Yes, Anne Murray, but there are two Anne songs I fucking love - One is Now and Forever, which I have, but I can't find the other one: "That's Not the way it's s'posed to Be". It's such an awesome song, from about 1984 or so, but I can't find the frigging thing anywhere. Does anyone remember it? I am listening to "All We Are" by Kim Mitchell right now, which I've mentioned before that I love, but well, I am mentioning it again. I think I might have Method of Modern Love out of my head finally, but I can't stop singing a song from the 70s that nobody but me seems to know: "I Go Crazy" by Paul Davis. It is going through my head over and over. Two 80s songs I love are Paul Davis' "Cool Night" and "Boys of Autumn" by.. I dunno, some Canadian. They remind me of each other, those two, and I love them so much. Anyone else like these? Oh God, I can't get rid of "I Go Crazy", which is such a sllllooooow song, and I only know the line "I go crazy, when I look in your eyes... I go crazy...." so it's just that, over and over. At least Method of Modern Love spelled something out.
Hey, and one more song - one of my all-time favorites, the Doobie Brother's "What a Fool Believes". Does ANYONE have ANY idea what in the hell the words are? I realized that I've had the album since I was NINE, and I still make up all the words, mumbo jumbo: "What a fool believes, to be, the ha ba pa of powdah.. to reason the wooord.. keep tellin him some where back in her long ago..." Honest to God, let's piece it together without googling the lyrics.
Well, I guess I should go to bed now since this is a really boring post. I'll jabber at y'all this weekend.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Barry Manilow, Liza Minelli, and one Hung Grandfather!

Yes, my friends, China Lily Soya Sauce is back on the market in Canada. It was quite the crisis in my family. Rachel has sworn by China Lily since I've known her. Myself, well, I didn't know jack shit about soya sauce. Let me tell you, though, my girl was right. China Lily is da man! So anyway, last fall we kept noticing that it was always gone when we went to buy some, and then one day I mentioned it to my mother, who said "oh yes, it's off the market for a while, there was a death in the maker's family and people are selling it on ebay." Now, I didn't know what was freakier - that China Lily was off the market, or the very fact that my mother used the term ebay where it actually made sense and sounded like she knew what she was talking about, because I know for a fact that she really has no idea what ebay is and probably doesn't really understand the internet still - at least she didn't say "they are selling it on the ebay". Anyhoo, she had heard this whole thing on the radio (we all listen to talk radio all day, and I guess I missed the day that the China Lily thing was on the phone in). So, I panicked and spread the word, and there was a definite void in our lives for a while there. We tried Kikkoman, because Rachel had it somewhere and liked it, but I thought it was revolting. It was like malt liquor or something. As Simon Cowell would say, utterly revolting. So we got a big fucking jug of the shit sitting in my fridge if you want it. Well anyhoo, everyone knew we were hurting for a fix because in January my brother in law called and said "I'm in the store and there is China Lily" and I screamed "GET US ONE!" Then, of course, I realized shortly after it is out all over again, so all is well. I must admit, I also like the kind that comes with Chinese food, Wings or whatever it is. My wife is the expert though, and says there is no comparison.
So, Cutie, I know what you went through with the missing China Lily. I always get panicky when I can't find something I like because as you all read, everything I like gets taken off the market (I forgot to mention Lipton's Turkey noodle soup - the round noodle one, and Excel dish soap), and every time I am in Liquidation World, I scan the shelves for products taken off the market. Yes, I am mental.
So you know what commerical completely freaks the living hell out of me? It's the one with the grandpa and the teenage boy in the kitchen - it's some sort of ClubHouse product, a spice or something, I don't remember. Anyway, the grandfather is rambling on and tells the kid to pay attention to his cooking because girls like guys who cook, and the kid says "is that why grandma fell in love with you?" and the old man looks at him and says "no" and the kid goes "well, why did....OH" and they share this knowing smirk, and that's it. Well, I thought it was just me, so last year I quizzed Rachel, Sharon, and someone else at work what they thought the commerical meant, and we all thought the same thing: the old guy is implying he is hung like a horse, which is why grandma married him. Well, could this be any more disturbing? This kid is finding out a) his grandfather has a cock like a stallion b) his grandmother digs said big cock c) the kid obviously would have gotten a mental picture of the grandparents getting it on, and does not appear the slightest bit traumatized. Is it just me, or is this commerical morally wrong? It just grosses me out to no end - I'm as hip as the next guy, but if my grandparents, God rest their souls, were talking about such things to me, I would have had to turn asexual. Hell, my dad used to say "brasierre" and the only time I heard him mention private parts was when they were having this party and they were talking about some woman they knew who had some operation, and my dad said "Louise (that's the pseudonym I'll give my mom), what operation did Stella have? Was it on her hole?" and I was hiding in the kitchen thinking "HOLE"?? If he ever would have implied "Well, you know, your grandfather was quite endowed, and you know your Baba (his parents were Ukrainian) quite liked that thing", I would have had to leave home then and there. So, I dunno, maybe the commerical doesn't imply that, but if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, honey, I think it's a damn duck.....
It's funny, because my father was always so clammy talking about sex. I of course, knew everything, or thought I knew everything as a kid, and I remember we got this letter from the school about this father/son night. It was the sex talk night. I am having deja vu telling this story, so maybe I blogged this once before? Anyway, I didn't want to go, but I think my sister guilted me into going and so we had to sit in the gym while the dads watched the movie, and then we all watched it together. It was so stupid, from like 1965 or something, with these guys with big afros playing basketball and somehow it segued into this puberty thing and about the only thing they really said was that you'd get hairy and have wet dreams, but they didn't elaborate what that exactly was. I rolled my eyes in my typical fashion (if you know me, you know the look) and they also had a little booklet called "what every boy should know" and on the walk home I kept trying to grab it from him, but he wouldn't give it to me. So, a couple weeks later I found it stashed in my desk drawer. And that, my friends, was my sex talk. So, the thought of discussing the size of my grandfather's penis in the kitchen just doesn't ring true for this boy. Anyway, enough of that.
So I was at Shoppers tonight (or "HOOPERS" as my cute little 2 year old pronounces it because she can't say her "s'es") and I bought some more Method floor cleaner. Shoppers (or Hoopers) carries Method products, which are the cat's ass. But anyway, it got me thinking of the song "Method of Modern Love" by Hall and Oates and I realized something - I have no fucking idea what the hell the song is about or what it is saying. I owned the album back in 85, and I have their greatest hits (did I ever blog that I am a HUGE Hall and Oates fan? Well, I am - and I ain't ashamed, neither!). Anyway, that song - what the hell does it mean? What IS the method of modern love? and why must you spell the word "method" in the song? And I always liked the end of the song when Daryl would sing "I got a way with words, I got a way with rhyme...." but now that I sit here, I have no idea what comes after that - I always have made up the words, but when you think of them, you can't make it out - it is something like "I got the way with words, I got the way with rhyme, but you believe that I am blind, the method the fethod, the not behind, I got the message baby and it's right on time" - it's something insane like that. What the hell does that all mean? And you know, I get so damn defensive of Oates all the time, but really, what does he do besides play guitar or bass or whatever? He's no Andrew Ridgely - he's more like a Garfunkel without the voice. What the hell am I talking about, you ask? Well, I don't rightly know anymore.....
So let's just say Method of Modern Love was the square kid's version of "New Moon on Monday" - you will remember my post months ago about reading the REAL lyrics to that song, and the whole "Lizard Mixture" lyric.
So today my daughter had her first filling, and it was such a good experience, I could have cried. She has cavities, probably because she had a bottle until she was 3, and also probably because my teeth are so week - my dentist called them "Chalky" when I was a kid - gave me a complex. Anyway, her front top tooth had a huge cavity and it freaked us out so much because we were so scared she would be teased when school started. So, she went for the filling, and it was nothing. I swear, it was like 2 minutes total, no freezing. Just this strange blue light laser looking thing and voila! Needless to say we were so happy we hit Walmart right after and bought the kids a new Barbie. Oh man, I feel so relieved and she is so proud of herself, and shows off her tooth now - all evening. I will stop talking about it, or I will get weepy.
So Barry Manilow is on Idol tonight as some sort of coach. He's like Liza Minelli with a penis and without all the drugs and eyelashes, really he is. I have this feeling Doug Wilson from Trading Spaces could be his love child.
Well, it's midnight, so I better get my sorry self to bed. Tomorrow is going to be one of those days at work, I have this feeling.
Chunks wanted to know the drama, but I don't wanna get into the whole thing right now, lol, so maybe this weekend... LOL, yeah, the weekend!

Thursday, March 16, 2006


I am so frigging tired, but I am sitting here watching American Inventor, and since I won't be going to bed for a while, I thought I'd check in. The past three weeks have been frigging - no, frigging isn't strong enough of a word - fucking - crazy. And, of course, I am too exhausted tonight to even get into anything. I'll get into the whole saga with my father some other time, maybe this weekend. I just don't have the energy, but we had quite the scare which completely freaked the everloving shit out of me. But anyway, not tonight, I don't want to relive the whole damn thing.
Work has been busy as all heck too. My job is so complicated - remember I was on a one year term? Well, they had to post it again, and I of course got it, and since I am on a leave from my other job, I have to let them know in the next week or something if I am coming back. Well, I am not. Of course, it is still hard for me to actually cut the ties - you know me, sentimental, scared, and codependent as per usual. Anyway, I am keeping the new job - don't tell anyone. Holy God, this sure is a blah, boring post. LOL, I am just so tired - work has been so damn busy this week and my kids came down with this cough last night and coughed all night long - I was up for a couple hours last night. The diet has sort of been shot to hell too in the last month, and I've only exercised once a week or so, so maybe that's why I am especially tired too. Anyhow, that's my whining for the week, and I'll get into the whole past three weeks this weekend.
Oh, the one thing I will report on - we bought a new van. I almost shit myself that we actually did it. Seriously, I thought I was going to soil myself by signing on for a car payment again. But we needed it and yada yada yada, so there ya go - its a 2005 Caravan, with a DVD, so the kids want to sit in there constantly and watch Brady Bunch. They watch hours of Brady Bunch a day - it's such an addiction for them.
Oh man, this is so damn boring, and since I post so sporadically, I am sure the only person reading this is Roxanne, and that's out of pity.... lol, when I have some sleep, I'll be my perky little self.
So I was doing laundry this evening and got to thinking about shit they always discontinue, and I realize that so many products I like have been discontinued. The thought crossed my mind when I saw the 1/2 ounce of Downy Advanced we had left. It was never sold in Canada, but we'd buy a shitload when we would go to the states. The smell was awesome and it didn't gunk the fuck out of our washer. Of course, it's discontinued now. Same with the original Oxydol detergent. It was the only shit that worked good, and smelled awesome - like Tide with Bleach but stronger. Of course, it's long gone now. Then they took Kraft Meat Pizza Mixes off the market, the ones in the green box. Those things were the bomb, and now they are gone too. Same with Kraft spaghetti sauce with the blue label. Then there was Mr. Pibb (like Dr. Pepper but stronger), Tab, and Aspen (the apple flavored one) pop, spearmint Bubble Yum, Boo Berry and Frankenberry cereal, Catalina with Bacon salad dressing, and creamy Italian salad dressing. Does anyone remember Treasure chocolate bars? They were pieces of different filled chocolate all joined together? I always had a hard on for Orange Aeros, but they have come back from time to time. I also mourned the loss of onion and garlic chips, but they brought them back too. I also miss cinnamon dental floss (not sold in Canada anymore), Gillette Menthol shaving cream, Old spice gel deodorant, Body on Tap shampoo (remember with the beer) and Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific. They also got rid of Orville Reddenbacher BBQ popcorn, which I was addicted to, and I haven't seen boysenberry yoghourt for years.
There's just so much I miss - I am sure there is more.
So anyway, anyone else have any discontinued stuff they pine for?
Well, this post is so going nowhere but I can't stop typing. I bought one of those new Fusion razors, because the commericals made it seem like the fucking thing would just make my face smooth as a baby's arse in such a gentle way, I wouldn't even notice it was yanking out my hair. Well, the review is in, and sadly, the fucking thing does indeed make your face smooth, but damn, the thing hurt my face every frigging second of the way. I don't know, Gilette really doesn't make a razor that I like. I am more of a Shick man. This new razor is just so rough. I mean, how the hell long have razors been on the market? Why are they still trying to up the ante? I mean, this thing says it has like 6 blades, and do we need 6 blades? What next? A razor with 18 blades, the size of a washboard? I just don't get it. So, anyway, the long and the short of it, the Fusion does a really good job, but hurts like a son of a bitch.
So yeah, I get sucked into the whole new product thing all the time. Remember when Axe came on the market? I bought that shit up like it was going out of style, and smelled like a 14 year old boy with my cheap man-perfume all over me. I've also been sucked into buying toothbrush sanitizor in the past, as well as stupid things like microwave cleaner.
Hey, another lost product - does anyone remember McIntosh Apple Juice by Sunripe? It has probably been off the market since the 70s, but it was in a pink container, and it was really sorta tart and cloudy. It was so good. I think it was Mac Apple juice. I should email them and ask what the hell it was. It was sort of similar to Apple Lime juice by Sunripe, which I also loved, and which also is off the market now, damn them..... damn them all to hell, I say!! I will stand on top of the rooftops and damn them all! Kiss my flat ass, Sunripe! LOL, I am so overtired, I have no idea what is going to come out of my mouth.
So let me just mention Survivor and Idol before I go - first off, Ciree or whatever the hell her name is happens to be who I am cheering for. I hate hate hate those men on the other team and hope they all go down.
On Idol, Mandisa is the bomb - the bald dude is good, and I hate to admit I think Ace is good, but Mandisa - damn baby. But tell me this: it's theme week, and of course it's Stevie Wonder week, and they always sing fucking Stevie Wonder every other week anyway, but I mean, how frigging boring. As soon as I heard it was him this week, I said "baldy will sing Superstition or Higher Ground and nerd boy will sing I just called to say I love you or Part Time lover (I am trying to get out of my anal nature from my English degree background by not capitalizing or placing the song titles in quotation marks, and it's killing me), and sure enough, they did. Now make no mistake - I fucking LOVE Stevie Wonder, I admit it. I think he's a frigging genius - it sounds so lame, but I just think he's the cat's ass, but FUCK, pick better songs to sing. Now, "Love Light in Flight" is one of my favorites, and that ugly down syndrome looking guy could have pulled it off, but no, he does some lame shit. Stevie has a fucking catalogue of how many hundreds of songs, and they come up with that? Oh man, they all deserve to go home after this week. And Pickler... oh, sweet hillbilly.... I have cheered for her because of her sad story, but honest to God, I want to slap her with a fucking dead flounder because she acts like such a frigging retard. The whole Lurleen Lumpkin/Luanne thing has to go. And the songs are all horrible that she does. But then I think of her sad story and I am all "you go Pickler honey!" Oh, and Bucky.... oh, sweet, ugly, ugly Bucky. I have no words for you.
Let's just say Idol can take the money they give to that Black woman who coaches their singing and give it to me to pick out the songs for them. And Paula is drugged again. Drugged and horny. I don't mean to be vulgar, but again, she flails those arms around when the cutsey boys sing and she has that drunk/drugged up look in her eyes and you just know she is thinking "why did I fuck that ugly thug and get caught, because I'd rather be doing you". I always say "oh, she's getting wet again" but that's so crass I can't believe I actually say it out loud.
Ah, but she aiiight, don't get me wrong. Bitch is cool. It's all good.
So anyway, that's my ramble for tonight. I'll post more regularly, I really will. Just gimme a good night's sleep.
oh, I have yet to win on Tim Horton's roll up the rim this year.. bastards... the RAV4 should be mine!