Friday, February 24, 2006

Well, I feel completely gross at the moment. My dear 4 year old said tonight "Dad, let's get KFC!" and I said "how do you know what KFC is" since we never eat there, and then she went on and on and told this story about how we got it one night and she fell asleep on the way home, and what she ate and on and on, and she was so damn cute I went to pick it up. Well, I've had a gut ache ever since, but not sure if it's from the KFC or unrelated. Holy shit, do a lot of people ever eat KFC - I didn't realize. I stood in line for fucking ages to place my order. So anyway, I feel slightly gross, but whatever. Serves me right for falling off the wagon tonight.
This week has been tiring - I've had trouble sleeping, and I don't know why. I am not a person who sleeps easily, and it's been worse than normal. So, I am tired, and my poor little Kim has been sick still. She FINALLY got over the stomach flu on Tuesday - she had the runs for 10 days - but she was so frigging crabby still, and up 1000 times a night, and on Wednesday we noticed her neck was swollen and lo and behold, Rachel took her to the walk in clinic where they told her that she had an ear infection and her ear drum was bulging. Well, this walk in dr., one of the South African contingent I blogged about a while ago, said he didn't treat ear infections because research shows antibiotics aren't needed a lot of the time, and to take her back on Friday if it was still bad. Well, yesterday her neck was huge so I was so fucking pissed off I took her to my Dr. at noon and he looked at her ear and said it was cruel for them not to treat it. So, of course, I was all pissed off at those walk-in quacks who don't give a fucking rat's ass about anyone.
Ok, so bitch fest over for now. Gotta get to bed soon because we have swimming lessons tomorrow. I still can't believe I have my fat ass in the water.

So, ya wanna know some weird random things about me? I might was well do some free form babbling. Here goes:

-- My most hated food is mustard. I would eat worms before I ate mustard. Seriously. The smell makes me heave.
-- I have neurotic fears about many things - dentists, flying, being in a submarine, breaking a limb, being homeless, big dogs, vomiting, and fainting.
-- I am addicted to old tv shows - The Facts of Life, One Day at a Time, etc. If it's from the 70s, I love it.
-- I used to pretend Stevie Nicks was singing "Silver Springs" about me. I admit it. She'll follow me down til the sound of her voice will haunt me.
-- I left an anonymous note on my wife's car to express my interest in her, one drunken night. It said "thinking of you, guess who, love?" We still have it somewhere.
-- I hate boxer shorts. They offer no support and that little opening is just dangerous and stupid.
-- I do not know how to skate. Yes, a Canadian male. Can't skate. No desire ever to learn. None.
-- My favorite running shoe is New Balance.
-- I am addicted to Diet Dr. Pepper, and drink tea all day at work - Chai, green, and Earl Grey. I also force myself to drink at least a litre of water a day at work. I piss a lot. A LOT.
-- I hate the smell of glue.
-- I love the smell of gas.
-- My favorite smells are the smell of decaying leaves - that autumn, October smell in the woods, you know what I mean.
-- I have never been east of Moosomin Saskatchewan.
-- My favorite place on earth is Chilliwack, B.C. I'd move back in 1 second if I could afford it.
-- I love rain. I love storms.
-- I have this thing for the smell of Tide with Bleach.
-- I find Kirstie Alley manly.
-- I think the Pam Anderson show "Stacked" is kind of funny.
-- I wish I was rich and famous.
-- I'd like to have two more children.
-- I have a shopping problem, particularly clothes.
-- I have a fear of going grey - my beard is getting all this blond in it, which scares me it's a precursor to grey. I think I will shave it off in the summer just to be safe.
-- I don't own a pair of boots.I couldn't tell you where a pair of mitts for me are. I am not a winter dresser.
-- I shop at Value Village regularly.
-- I drink an extra large coffee with milk from Tim Hortons.
-- I try to avoid Starbucks now because I am fat/calorie aware now and it seems too gay to order the non-fat, artificial sweetener/no whipped cream versions of my favorite drinks. I'd be a good friend for Britney...
-- I think those young Hollywood bitches like Nicole Ritchie are hideous.
-- I have this horrible thing of imagining gross couples doing it - ugly people or weird ones or whatever. Sharon and I would see some freakshows and then at the same time would say "can you imagine THEM doing it?" It's stupid yes.... but I am immature, so whatever.
-- When I was a kid, I thought "doing it" and "Screwing" were somehow two different things. And I thought the boy just placed his thing in the woman's thing, like a hot dog in a bun, and you just laid there for a bit. The books weren't quite specific enough.
-- I always vote NDP provincially, and while I sometimes have a sign in my yard for the NDP federally, this was the first time in the past two elections that I voted NDP federally. I think I really am a federal Liberal at heart.
-- I do not know how to dive.
-- I owned "Coles Notes" for all 17 Shakespeare plays I took in my Shakespeare class. I read the plays, but only after getting the gist from the Coles notes. I feel like a phony for doing this.
-- As I have said before, I've got this weird obsession for attics. It's really strange.
-- I shower in the morning and like to have a hot, hot, hot bath at night, and love to read in the tub.
-- I reread my favorite books over and over... and over again.
-- I subscribe to too many magazines.
-- I am allergic to most deodorants.
-- I am scared of bees and wasps.
-- I wish I could sing. I've got the music in me.... but I sound tone deaf.
-- I have really weird toenails.
-- I have a natural gas BBQ.
-- My goal is to grow blackberries in Saskatchewan.
-- I have no idea how to download a ringtone on my cellphone.
-- I need to go to bed.

So, that's some random thoughts for the night. Enjoy.

public service announcement

You know how much I love children and myself, well, if I was a woman, I could never have an abortion, and I do have issue with abotions after the first trimester, BUT - it is criminal to take away a woman's reproductive rights, and read on - if it was my daughters or wife or loved ones, and they wouldn't even be protected in terms of rape.... thanks so much, conservative voters of the Americas. This is what agendas of hate and ignorancebring, supposedly in the name of God :

PIERRE, S.D. - South Dakota lawmakers approved a ban on nearly all abortions Friday, setting up a deliberate frontal assault on Roe v. Wade at a time when some activists see the U.S. Supreme Court as more willing than ever to overturn the 33-year-old decision.
Republican Gov. Mike Rounds said he was inclined to sign the bill, which would make it a crime for doctors to perform an abortion unless it was necessary to save the woman’s life. The measure would make no exception in cases of rape or incest.
Many opponents and supporters of abortion rights believe the U.S. Supreme Court is more likely to overturn its 1973 Roe v. Wade decision legalizing abortion now that conservatives John Roberts and Samuel Alito are on the bench. Lawmakers said growing support among South Dakotans for abortion restrictions added momentum to the bill.

God Help us.
Ok, off the soap box.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Ancient Chinese Secret, HUH: Commercials and So-On

Just watching Survivor but being the A.D.D. lunatic I fear I am, I thought I should just give a few more point form thoughts as I sit here.
-- First, for those Canadians who may read this, what the hell is the deal with these strange Josie -- oh how the hell do you spell her last name - you know, the French chick who always used to fall - I have no idea how you spell it, but it's pronounced Shweenard - lol, I am such a retard. Anyway, it freaks me out because she is just this skater, and she does these commercials, and it's like there she is, and she's asking the Designer Guys "tell me, what do you think about Coffee Mate" in her little accent, and they are all exclaiming about how fucking good Coffee Mate is, and there is just so much wrong with the whole thing: First, why has someone hired her to talk about such things, and second, there is no way in hell the Designer Guys would touch Coffee Mate with a 10 foot pole. These are shi-shi poo poo urban gay men who are famous designers - Coffee Mate would be a punchline for them, and they are so not convincing. So that whole scenario freaked me out. THEN, what do I see later - Haley Wicken-whatever, that female hockey player from Melfort or whatever, being interviewed by Josee again, with that strong French accent saying "Zell me azbout Hamburgaire Helphor (Hamburger Helper)" and then this butch looking hockey lady basically says it makes her family so damn happy and it's so easy and nutritious and it's all smiles when she cooks it, and I mean, why would you pick these people to sell this stuff?
So what other commericals bother me... well, the KY Warming lube couple annoy me, because they are trying to sell the shit to urbanites (notice he's always reading the Urban section of the paper and then throws it down when she breaks out the lube). God, those are the last fucking two people you want to imagine in the midst of passion.
Oh, and I must admit - I have no bloody clue what that Madonna cellphone commercial means, where all these freaking looking dirty people are in the phone booth in the desert and then they all cram in and Little Richard looks like he pops by and then Madonna says something at the end - am I missing something or does it not make any sense?
So other than those annoyances, I have nothing to say - I just wanted to pop in here and ramble. Did I ever post how I mispronounced crockpot? It was after the party we had and Rachel said "holy, we have lots of potatoes left. How come?" and I replied "well, Lee (her sister) made two crock pots!" and I pronounced it "Crock POTS" like I was Jamaican. I used to work with this Jamaican woman who would say "BREAK-FAST" for breakfast (pronounced it as two words) and Sharon and I still call it that, so of course I had to call her and tell her what I said. Yes, doesn't take much to amuse me.
So it's been hectic this week because Kim has had stomach flu this week, and now she is finally feeling better today and now Rachel is sicker than a dog (well, sicker than a sick dog I guess, since most dogs aren't sick), and of course I am terrified that Keryn will get it. I live in fear of my family having stomach flu. Keryn's third birthday was spent in the hospital because she puked 26 times in 12 hours, and it always hits her hard, so of course, being the germophobic I am, I have spent the past couple days bleaching every surface in my spare time. It's like a hobby. It's a good thing I'm not single because if I ever had to do a personal it would something like "I like long walks on the beach, and my other hobbies include bleaching every available kitchen and bathroom surface and toilet seat to ward off rotoviruses." Yes, I am mental. I could make a spoof of Yentl, called Mentl, with me as the Streisand character, dressed in disguise as a peasant cleaner woman, just so I can learn the secrets of disinfection.
Oh, and one last nugget to share before I go - a couple weeks ago, we came home from somewhere and I opened the door in the garage and we were unloading groceries or something, and when I was done, I closed the van doors and went in. Then at midnight, I was getting ready for bed, and asked Rachel if the cat was in the house, and she said "OMG, she's in the van! I forgot to tell you". So, I let her out and went on my merry way to bed. Then, the next day, Rach was taking the kids to gymnastics and the thing stunk to high heaven of cat piss - the little darling peed on a blanket in the back of the van. So THEN, we couldn't get the fucking stink out no matter what. I used Febreze which I now believe smells worse than cat piss, and that didnt do sweet piss all, so then I bought this other stuff that was supposed to remove the stink, but no dice... SO then I went to Petland where they were all "Oh, THIS is the liquid gold that will get rid of the smell" so I coated the frigging van in this stuff that smelled like a stronger version of Nilodor, which always makes me gag. It just made the van stink of cat piss AND Nilodor. It was so hideous. Then, icing on the cake - last Friday, we are on our way to Arby's for the kids and the van stalls (long story, it needs this thingy repaired but just been too lazy to make the appointment) and we had to sit for 20 awful minutes in this cat piss/nilodor stank until the fucking thing started again. So, we ended up shampooing the van on the weekend and found the piss spot in the trunk part and just cut the fucking rug out like a cancer. The smell was gone instantly, but alas, it took forever to get the piss remover smell out. So, word to your mother: pussy in a van is a bad thing (I can hear KB's snappy comeback already).
I still have to tell my stalker story, but it will have to wait because it takes too long and with all the drama around here, I just don't have time now - must remain in a state of cat-like readiness for the next round of disinfeciton, you know?
Valley Girl is on Showcase Diva in 20 minutes - it was my favorite movie from my teen years, and in my top 5 still - completely for nostalgic reasons, and it has a kick-ass soundtrack, and you all should watch it.
Oh, and my dearest friend, let's call her "Fargo" is having a shitty-ass week, and she has to do this situation at work that is very stressful and may induce panic or at least a bad case of the shits. I told her to just cut to the chase and get some damn ativan, because like me, she has suffered from the old panic demon, but she's never been medicated. So, all you other neurotics out there, reassure her that it will take the edge off, and she should get her ass to the walk-in clinic this weekend and get herself some dope. "Fargo", just do it. It doesn't make you all stoned if you take the right dose (except this other woman I used to work with who must have been on huge doses because she couldnt focus her eyes), and it just sort of takes the edge off. They make my legs ache though, I don't know why.
I am one to talk though, since I have never told my family doctor about my panic issues - I got ativan from my old doctor in Saskatoon and then from the family doctor for my dental phobia. But I am rambling.... every time I say that I want to sing "Ramble On" at the top of my lungs. You may not believe it, but I am a huge Led Zep fan. Strange, hey?
Anyhoooo, I should cart my arse off to bed in case my poor wife needs me in the night - man I hope she feels better tomorrow.
Have yourself a wonderful day, folks.
Oh, and one thing: Chunks posted a list of songs and the memories they brought her, and I am going to list the songs here and tell my memories, hopefully on the weekend, but I am going to pick a random song here and there and tell the memory, and feel free to pipe up with your memories. Let's see, how about "Cold as Ice" by Foreigner? It always reminds me of grade 1, winter time, in B.C., really cold, rainy and dark night, sitting on my sister's bed, listening to the song on 14CFUN, and her cranking it up. That opening ALWAYS takes me back there. I love that song. Nights on Broadway by the Bee Gees is the same memory, from the same night. Oh man, I always yearn for the past, achingly so, and I don't know why - it;s so strange....
ANyway, getting my flat arse to bed.
TGIF kiddos,

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Nothing Warms a House More than a Simmering Pot of Chicken Fricasse just BURSTING with Carrots!

Ok, the title is from a magazine I was reading that had this recipe insert in it and this woman was going on about the recipe, and I just liked the sentence. I dunno, I thought it was funny - I have a strange sense of humor. But whatever. Anyway, just watching the Grammys after American Idol, and I have no idea what in the hell Bono is talking about right now. I am just too old for the Grammys now, honest to God, I mean, whatever, it means sweet piss all to me now. I remember living for these things 20 years ago, but now, whatever. I just hope Mariah wins something because as I have admitted on here before, I am a secret fan. But damn, bitch gained some weight, didn't she? The emancipation of Mimi indeed......
You know, I am sort of bummed that I don't care about these awards because you know what a freakish music nut I am. There just isn't anything out there that excites me that is really current. As I've quoted before from the lovely Courtney Love from America's Sweetheart, "When they say that rock is dead, they're probably right...."
So anyway, I am ready for bed, so I will have to give a point form summary of the week that was. Let's start with the kids being sick. It's funny, because we didn't even really realize they were sick. I used to be the biggest hypochondriac around, always on the lookout for the latest disease or illness to strike. I lived in fear of lyme disease, even though we are too north for ticks, of kidney failure, my liver shutting down, skin cancer, stroke, you name it. However, ever since we had kids, that all went out the window (well, except I thought my kidney were shutting down today for a minute because my legs were really red and itchy and I heard somewhere that this was a sign of kidney failure - whatever, I'm a loser). Of course, I now just worry about my kids being sick, and I am always running to the walk-in clinic with them to check each sniffle.
Anyway, sorry for the interuption - so Keryn woke up last Tuesday in the middle of the night with a fever, but it was better in the morning so we didn't think much of it. Then the next day, coincidinkily, she was set for her check-up. We changed doctors for the kids, so they now go to my doctor, since I've known him for years and used to be their nanny and everything - did I ever post that I was their nanny when I was in university for their 5 kids? Anyhoo, we took Keryn for her first check up and I offhandedly said that she had a little virus or something and he looks in her mouth and said she had horrible strep throat. I felt so bad I didn't even know. Then I went "that's why Kim had such bad breath today!" so now they are both still on penicillin and recovering. So the week has been filled with that.
Then, the weekend was busy with throwing Rachel's dad a surprise party at our house for his retirement. We cooked a turkey and all that jazz, and so the week was full of that stuff.
Oh, I had a moral bancruptcy moment. Someone sent me this email and I opened it, and it was a picture and I read the caption first. It said "does this haircut make me look retarded" and then the picture was this retarded woman getting her haircut. So, I busted out laughing and then felt so horrible for the rest of the day. I just felt like such a shit, and so that killed the day for me.
What else, what else.... this blog is becoming so boring because I am so scattered.
Oh, We also did a stake-out trying to get the plates of the neighborhood stalker, of which we were successful. I don't know how to tell this story in 200 words or less, so I will post on it tomorrow, just because it's too long - and it's funny as all hell, but I have to tell it right, which I am not capable of doing right now.
Oh, and Rachel's uncle Peter and his partner Daniel got married!!!! They have been together 14 years, and since Harper and his agenda of hate are in power, they did the deed while they it was still legal. Their friends were going to get married in May, but of course with Mr. Harper they decided to do it Friday, so our boys said why not and they had a double wedding. SO they came up for the party on Saturday and told us - it was so exciting and I am so happy for them and so happy that they can actually have the opportunity to GET married. So that was nice news.
Oh, and remember when I wanted to go to NYC to the Joni Mitchell tribute? Well, I am glad I didn't beg, steal and borrow to go because our Joan didn't show up - her cat was ailing, they said. Whatever. But I sort of wish I did go because at the VIP reception, everyone met the performers, like Suzanne Vega, Lou Reed, Laurie Anderson, Shawn Colvin, Ritchie Havens, Judy Collins, etc. They all said Suzanne Vega was a bitch or on drugs or both.
Ok, Rachel wants me to ask the blog this - My new Men's Fitness had this article "How to Get her in Bed" and she looked at it and was offended as all hell, and I just went "oh" so she wants me to ask blogland what you all think. She said "as the father of three girls, aren't you offended by this" and yeah, I guess i should be, but I dunno, what do you think?
OOH, Mimi's on... now just shut the fuck up, but I think she's the cat's ass. I used to make fun of her, but bitch can sing, and I've been a fan ever since she sampled Tom Tom Club's "Genius of Love" on "Fantasy." I love Genius of Love - it's just the most coolest opening line in music:"What you gonna do when you get out of jail? I'm gonna have some fun!"
Anyway, I should get my ass off of here and whatever. Again, sorry for the blah post again, I promise to kick it up a notch.
Anyhoo, I gotta get to bed because I am rereading the Andy Warhol DIaries, which is about 900 pages, and it is one of my favorite books - if anyone else is a celebrity whore and likes the inside scoop on the 70s and 80s scene, this is the book for you - he dishes everyone and everything. You gotta read it - Chunks, it's right up your alley.
Ok, let me leave you with a question about songs - Sharon and I used to spend much time at work trying to figure these out. First, in the horrible Burton Cummings song "Break it to them Gently", when he sings "Roll it to my Grandma, gotta roll the old lady", what in the hell does that MEAN? Like, what the fuck is he saying? What do you do to roll it to the old lady? Roll what? It makes no sense. The other one is more of a mondegreen - I we used to think Gino Vanelli's "The Wheels of Life" was "The Wheel's Alive". Sharon and I had another song we couldn't figure out, but I can't remember what it is right now - I'll have to think on it. Oh, remind me to post tomorrow about the time we played Marianne Faithful's "Why did you do it" in front of her mom - if you don't know the song, it's filthy, with such lines as "why'd you do it, she said, why'd you let that trash get a hold of your cock and get stoned on my hash" - anyway, I'll talk about that later.
Anyway, I gotta get my arse to bed - we took the kids swimming tonight and I am pooped out.
Smell y'all later all.