Monday, May 25, 2009

You ever been too lazy to go to bed? Me too. I will kick my arse tomorrow, but right now, the prospect of putting the dogs away, closing the windows, turning lights out, checking kids, pissing, getting into bed (I am not even going to pretend I am brushing my teeth tonight or anything, because I am not - nothing) is just too tiring. I have a crock pot of soup that has to go in the garage fridge. Fuck that - I do believe the soup will just cook all night.
So yeah. That's all I got to say.
Thanks for the encouragement - I was having a moment on Friday. Well, the whole day was a moment, but it's ok now, I think.
So much to do before we go. I don't know what I was thinking when I planned this because the kids have their dance recital on Wed. night. SO Tuesday is dress rehearsal - all THREE are performing. The older two are in THREE numbers. So it's stessful because they have to have make up done and hair curled and put up and I get nervous for them because there is always like 600 people at the thing. Anyway, whatever, it will be nice to just go.
Oh man, some show is on right now about some abandoned dog that is sick. It makes you want to save the world.
I heard "Disarm" by Smashing Pumpkins today and i haven't heard that for years. ANyway, it just was socking me in the gut, the line "I used to be a little boy". It was one of those aha moments. It reminded me of a couple months ago, we had to go downtown to the downtown mall, to get something at the dollar store there - i dunno what or why. But the kids were there getting whatever the hell it was, and I was waiting impatiently in the mall. The mall, let me tell you, is this fucking shithole. Just a fucking shithole of creeps. It's right in the downtown and full of scum. Well, I was watching some young teen guy, maybe 13 or 14, trying to be all gangster with his friends and bumming a smoke and he was ugly as sin and probably FAS and obviously was close to jail oneday soon, and I was rolling my eyes thinking that I hope the kids didn't see him, and then... I dunno... now shut up Chunks, quit laughing... but I was thinking of how I want to protect my kids from everything and then through my mind the phrase "God's little angels" went through my head and I thought "what makes you or your kids any better?" and I was haunted with the realization that we are all equal in the eyes of God, and there but for the grace of God were we not born into what this kid was born into. And trying to fully understand that is something I still and trying to do. So anyway. I have no idea why I am telling that story.
But back to my manbitch ways - this stupid animal show is now getting annoying - you know what, Bob Barker? My dog ain't fixed. I bought her at a pet store. For lots of money. Same with my cat. My other dog was a product of my inlaws unfixed dog's night of hot and heavy humping with a scuzzy horndog who never called the next day. And my next cat will be bought too, just for shits and giggles.
ANyway, time for bed. can't put it off.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I'm not exactly in a good mood right now. In fact, I shouldn't be blogging because I am so not in a good mood, and I am listening to a children's choir sing "Landslide" and it's all too much. Maybe I'm overtired, maybe I'm just down, but I just feel.... well, I'd say weepy without being weepy. And crabby. It's just a culmination of things, I guess. It's the constant mourning that never seems to abate and that seems to gnaw at me with more gusto than before, and that both annoys me and freaks me out and what the fuck ever. And we are leaving next week for our trip to Disneyland and that sort of freaks me out because it's a long frigging way and so part of me worries about that undertaking, and the whole what if something happens to the van/the kids get sick/we get robbed/ you name it, I've thought about it. It's just stupid, but I think it. And then I freak out because it's a lot of frigging money we are spending when there are things that need doing around here, and Rachel is taking the summer off of work, and blah blah blah.... that weighs on me. And I am fat as a fucking flabby manbitch. Remember at Xmas when I lost all that weight? Well, I've gained 20 lbs back and everything is tight or doesn't fit me, and I am so not comfortable in my own skin right now and I don't feel good physically when I am overweight, and boo fucking hoo. And I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that this is all because i eat compulsively at night, or drink wine, because I am grieving and it's what I do to comfort myself. So that is freaking me out because I just feel out of control. Then Chunks is dealing with mother stuff too, and so now I feel like I am all pushy trying to get her to make this relationship with her, when if it was me, I'd hate the advice because I have come to realize that I can dish it out but I can't take it. I love to tell people what to do, but say something to me, and I'll resent you forever. Anyway, I don't even know her mother, Saffron, but the thought that she might be going through this, well, it's all freaking me out too. So I don't know, it's just a bleak night. I am still trying to plan this trip and all the obsessive compulsice routes I planned are going out the window but I am freaked out not to have stuff booked, and I don't know. I can' t make a decision to save my life. Little stupid things like "should we stay at this national park or not" are turning into grand obsessions that I can't wrap my head around. It's all part of my control freak nature, I know.
And this will reveal how weird I am - the dishwasher smelled like, well, smoked meat, tonight, and I realized that it was because there was a wooden spoon that fell on the drying element thing. And it was all burned. And then I didn't want to throw it away because I realized it was one of my mom's wooden spoons. How fucked up is that? LOL, seriously, that exemplifies why I hoarde things and have connections to songs and old stuff and whatever. I swear, when I die, I will come back and haunt every damn thing I ever touched. LOL, look out Sally-Ann people who get my old gitch - I'll be kicking you in the nuts, imporing you to get the fuck out of my drawers.
Holy moly, am I whining.
On an amusing note, I met a woman today named Belinda, and her middle name was Belle. I thought that was sort of funny.
Seriously, Huey Lewis? Why was he ever famous? I remember my sister bought me "Sports" for my 14th birthday and I was all "wtf?" Kinda like when my friend bought me Quiet Riot for Xmas that year. I was all "wtf will I do with this shit?" LOL I bought myself Lionel Ritchie's "Can't Slow Down" that same xmas, and I was all "WTF" right after. It was like I was high or something.
Holy, some fat fuck is on George Stambolopoulopolopoloupolis tonight. I pray to sweet Jesus that I am not as fat as him. John Pinette. Whoever the hell that is. He's not funny, that's for damn sure.
Odd thing - as I get older, the hair in my nose is getting freakishly longer, and it's turning gray. How fucking creepy is that? Too much info? Well, go read somebody else, sunshine.
You fucking people have to buy the new Stevie Nicks concert DVD. Seriously, don't be so motherfucking cheap - just go buy it. My kids are addicted. They LOVE Stand BACK and If Anyone Falls.
I wish all y'all knew the people I knew in real life, because I have such interesting, stupid stories, but you have to know these people to appreciate it all.
My neighbor and old school friend, let's call her Bardot, has this cat that had kittens last night. Gray ones, like mine. If someone would take my dogs, I'd get one. Anyone want two awesome dogs? They need homes where they will be appreciated more. Here, well, they are more pains in the arse. Sad but true. I have never seen dogs who shit so much. Seriously, if I don't scoop poop every two days, it looks like our lawn was just aerated. And most of it is dead because of their acidic piss. Of course, it doesn't kill dandelions. Hell no.
What do you think of George Stobolopoloupolis? I mostly like him, but sometimes he's just too fucking wink wink precious, you know what I mean?
Well, one child, I dunno who, is up in the bathroom, so i better check it out.
whew, i feel so much better. everyone needs to be a pathetic whiner once in a while. whine away - it'll do you good.

Friday, May 08, 2009

survivor notes

Just have to do a quick point form again:

-- what's the deal with JT's sister's teeth? Holy moly, I thought perhaps she had those gummy worm fake teeth thing with a pair of dracula fangs in her mouth. It was completely freaking me out. Then that skinny hairdresser's dad was all "Gummy Joe" too. But the sister - whoa Nelly.

-- Ok, maybe I am missing something, but they must be given soap, no? Because obviously they have razors, so I bet they even have fucking Scope. Anyway, so why does Taj stink so much?

-- Anyway, that's about all I have to say. The teeth were something I just couldnt get over.

Monday, May 04, 2009

ain't nothing wrong with point form, mofos.

point form shite:

-- still don't know what to do re: the trip. They are closing a shitload of schools in California this week for precaution. I dunno. If I had a crapload of money, I would just do it, but if I am sacrificing money that I could use for other things on a trip that may be veiled in illness, well, I need to think it through. Readers, send money asap.

-- Have to poop but just sort of ignoring it. Weird when a night poop comes. Of course, tomorrow I'll be bunged up and cranky.

-- Sweating like fucking Star Jones in a bakery. Combo of the little bit of sun I got today (not used to temps in the 20s) and the glass of wine I just poured. It was a crazy day, so I deserve vino.

-- The whole family was wickedly crabby today. Baby boy woke up before 7, crying and wailing, and was hideously unhappy until almost 10. Second day in a row for that. Pretty sure it's the teething. Top two are coming in and he's got rash on his chin and diaper rash so bad he was bleeding on the bum last night, profusely. Horrible. Poor guy. Anyway, the housework hasn't been caught up for a month because we've had dance festivals and sick kids and such, and so since we are so compulsive and weird, it has stressed us out, and Rachel and I were bitchy with each other and the kids, and the kids are overtired and catching colds and they were on edge and there was yelling and drama and whatever, but now I think we are all ok. I hate when we have days like that. Of course, it was so beautiful out, and I kept singing in my head the words to my favorite Cheryl Wheeler song "Driving Home" - "Slow down, what's the hurry/ there's no rush today/ there won't be too many days like today" - Cheryl Wheeler is da bomb! But don't buy her albums (sorry Cheryl) online - Please, humor me, and order (from somewhere, I dunno where) her concert video... .I can't remember what it's called, but ask me and I'll think... anyway, she opens with that song, and it's so beautiful - her cds are too..... polished. Anyway, she's like the American Jann Arden - a hillariously funny singer, a lesbian (I actually don't even think Jann is one anymore, but whatever), and she's just wonderful. GET THAT VIDEO. It makes me laugh and cry.

-- Another man I know used the word luscious today, and I found it so funny, because that's such a feminine word.

-- I'm really grieving again. I hate mentioning it again, because I know all y'all are thinking "for fuck's sake, it's been 9 months" or whatever, but I am really, really sad lately, thinking about my mom. I have regrets. People with parents, call them or hug them or something. Just fucking do it, ok?

-- Drama with my dad's old folks home - long story. My sister kept calling me to tell me the updates. It's so hard to know what's truth when my dad is so Alzheimer-ey.

-- Really wish I wouldn't have held back the poop - I'll pay for it tomorrow.

-- Itchy as fucking hell because I shaved tonight - haven't shaved since like last Tuesday and looked like Don Johnson, and apparently some whiskers ended up falling onto my neck or something. Anyway, feels like I have neck crabs or something.

-- I am sad the black girls are gone on Amazing Race, but let me just say this: Sister, you should have just pissed yourself. I would have. Fuck, I mean, it's not like pooping - peeing isn't as shameful. I would have just pissed my pants and sailed onto the million.
Margie and Luke annoyed me tonight, for the first time. I don't know why. Tammy and Victor are really growing on me, but I think it was unfair that they got to speak Chinese.... But yeah, I like them. My daughter came home the other day and said the "Chinese/Japanese/look at these" thing - her cousin taught her. I didn't know what the hell to say. I'm really dreading the menstruating years, because the moods and the loss of innocence and such will be such a downer. That's why I want to do Disney now, when it's still magical. I'm sure all those migrants will be swabbing the rides down each day with frigging Purell, right?

-- My neighbor mentioned yesterday, as I was weeding my fucking flowerbed that runs the length of my house (and is full of perrenials and bushes) that our cat looks old. My cat loves him to pieces and visits him in an almost obsessive way - she'll see him and jump on his shoulder immediately, or will run into their house and hang out for the afternoon - anyway, we were chatting and I mentioned "Sally" and he said "she's looking old this year, JT-ey" and I was sort of struck dumb because she IS - and she's 11 this year. And she loves me more than life itself. Every night, I fight her off repeatedly because she wants to sleep on me, and all night she on me, purring loudly. This morning, she was so excited to see me, she bit my elbow as I reached down to pet her - it's a freaky kind of love. I dunno if she's even in the house right now. ANyway, I am now mourning her already because it just sunk in how old she is. Fuck, if some motherfucking TURTLES, who fucking ooze salmonella, can live 300 years, why cant a cat live a good 60 or 70? SOn of a fucking bitch! Anyway, we almost lost her when she was 4, because she had a freak disease and almost died - spent a week in the cat hospital - and let me tell you, I had to call in sick for DAYS because I cried like a fucking mental patient. Fuck, I cried like some bitch who said "luscious" over and over.

-- I keep thinking of my Aunt Kay, who died about 30 years ago. Kay was almost my dad's only cousin. He had 3 cousins - Kay, her brother Sam, or something, and MARY. Mary lived in Canada, an immigrant from "the old country", who spoke broken English all her life, and had no kids, and was married to John, who was from Poland, but who spoke better English. He had some sort of prostate cancer or something, so they didn't have kids and didn't have relations (separate bedrooms even). Both had stifling BO. Mary was so sweet, and had a little beard, and loved to drink. They'd go to bed at 8 at night and rise at 5, so when we'd stay with them in Kelowna, it was always a long night. I'd be on the couch, and at 5, she'd be up cooking breakfast ( or "breaky" as my mom would say) and she'd be taking swings of rye from the fridge "for Mary's COUGH" as she'd say, and whatever, but we all loved her dearly. Dad's other cousin (dad's parents were from the old country and i need to tell that story sometime, but he only had 3 cousins is all you need to know now) Kay (her brother Sam I never knew) lived in Pittsburgh and came to visit when I was 8 or 9 - I didn't know her from Adam really. We met her in Calgary that summer, and her hubby Frank was Italian. I was literally obsessed with Italy - one of those stupid JT things, but I was obsessed - and I remember they made us traditional bowtie pasta with sauce and red wine. ANyway, they came to see us in our town in BC and Kay was a cancer survivor. Well, she took us all shopping and said she wanted to buy us something to remember her by. I really wanted Donna Summer's double album "Live and More" and she kept saying "you won't remember me with a record" but I held strong and she bought it, and lo and behold I still think of her when I hear Donna Summer. Kay was wonderful, as was her hubby Frank. Anyway, she sent all of us pictures of her and Frank. And then the next year her cancer came back and she told us to look at the picture and we'd see the lump in her neck. I am still haunted by that, 30 years later. I want to curl up and go back in time and just hug everyone. For those of you who believe in Heaven, do you think that's what it will be like?

-- whew, the cat's in the house, waiting for me to go to bed. Thank goodness she's with me for another day.

-- ANyway, 1 am on a worknight. Not a good way to start the week, especially since I'll be bunged up. ATTENTION, JT - Merde when the opportunity is presented to you!

-- Seacrest out.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

To Pineapple, on her 37th Birthday

Well, I have nothing to say tonight, but I wanted to pop in here and try to cheer a friend up. My friend, Pineapple, is going through a hellish time right now, if she wants to admit it or not. So, I thought, let's just be silly tonight. But of course, since I have no funny story to tell, it may be difficult, so I am just going to talk about things that are near and dear to her heart.
My friend, she loves herself some little people. Not like in a "gee, I wish I was one" sense, because she's sort of borderline zverg in some aspects - barely 5 feet tall - but in the "I am fascinated in how they function sexually" aspect. Like, once she admitted that when she thought of zvergs doing it, she sort of pictured the zverg being "spun around" and then said "I am a horrible person." Of course, now every time I see Fantasy Island or whatever (not the Roloffs, though, because that fiesty mama Roloff ain't letting anyone spin her around), I just picture someone spinning the top zverg around like a top. So, dear friend, thanks for the debachery. And now every time i hear Flo-Rida's You spin me round remake, I'll be thinking of the spinning top zverg move. It's so wrong, but baby, it's so right.
Pineapple also shared on her blog once about this riddiculous thing she blurted out during orgasm. Trust me, it was almost as weird as that Seinfeld episode where Jerry tries to talk dirty in bed and asks if his partner's mother picked out her panties. ANYWAY, I had to admit to Pineapple once that I blurted out something that made my wife stop and start laughing and said "that reminds me of Pineapple" because it was equally stupid. So anyway, I've got another one that would make her laugh - but I did it intentionally. We have these friends, who have a daughter who is 3, and since the father is bilingual, he has taught his daughter French as well, so he's always speaking to her in a mixture of languages. That's great, but it's always funny, because he'll go "attention, Nora!" (pronounced ah-ten-see-own). So anyway, we always say that as a joke, so one night, whilst Rachel and I are having relations, I yell out "Ah-ten-see-own, Rachel!) and then, of course, we had to stop and laugh. Yeah, good times. I thought she'd appreciate that.
What else is funny that will make her happy.... oh, well, Pineapple has this relation who supposedly has the second sight. Well, if that's so, why the fuck can't she tell Pineapple things in advance so she is prepared for them? Like, Pineapple had a little car wreck in the winter - wouldn't she have picked that up and called her to tell her to stop driving? I don't get it - UNLESS..... Unless she WANTED Pineapple to fly off the bridge, into the raging waters of the Chatahootchie. Hmmmm....... that's very interesting... Hmmmmmmm.....
Another interesting thing about Pineapple is that she used to use real names on her own blog... that is, until she made a comment about this fat fuck she went to high school with, and he turned out to google his name, and found out. So, now this fat ass made her feel bad and she's had to apologize to him - much the same way I had to apologize to an entire discussion list with a readership in the hundreds, after I mistakenly sent a mocking email to the entire list, instead of to the person I meant to send it to privately. But you know, the bitch was pretentous as fucking hell, so really, I should have just said "yeah, that's right, you have a stick up your ass". Ah, well.
Anyway, I can't think of anything else to say right now, so I'll call it a night. So, I hope this took your mind off of things, Pineapple - take my advice from the other day, and tomorrow, go on a shopping spree at Fields. You deserve it!
Seacrest out.