Thursday, March 29, 2007

He doesnt look a thing like Jesus

I really have no business trying to write anything at the moment. I am really tired and lazy right now. I actually just had one hell of a time trying to spell "business" - I spelled it "B-I-S" first, and then started chuckling, thinking "that's dope, B-I-Z, sort of like the Teena Marie song "Square Biz" and thinking my typo was really something intentional that made me the Daddy Mack, but then I just realized - I can't spell when I am tired, and my odd rationalizations make me seem sort of retarded - or at least sort of dim-witted. So anyway, I don't think I have it in me to even say anything.
It has been an insane week. Forgive my language, but it has been just fucking crazy. Work is hectic. And then last night, my darling baby girl woke up at 12:30, when we were just going to sleep, and we brought her into bed with us and she flipped and flopped and kicked me in the head and all of that fun stuff. So, I was still awake at 1:00, and then I was overtired and my mind was working overtime, and then I had this deep, indepth thinking spell - you know, when you think of these ideas at night and then wake up in the morning and say "WTF?" Well, I started thinking about my doctor, I dont know why, and was just really awestruck at all he sacrifices. I don't know if I've mentioned before, but I've known him since I was about 16. I used to babysit his kids when I was in highschool, back when he had two kids - they eventually had five, and I babysat them all. When I was in my first couple years of college, before I had to move to Saskatoon, I was actually pretty much a full time nanny for them. Well, I'd clean their house one day, babysit a couple others. Anyway, I've known them forever, but the magnitude of what he sacrifices for others didn't hit me fully until last night - I kept thinking of the long 12 hour days, the interruptions in the middle of the night, the calls away from dinner to birth babies or sit with the dying, breaking awful news to people, comforting them, reassuring us worried parents about our fears for our kids, the whole thing. He never rushes you, never gets upset if you call him at home, never makes you feel like you are an imposition. He's the type of man I wish I was, but I am too lazy and selfish to be. So anyway, I was just stuck with this "holy shit, what sacrifices he makes" thought, and so I pondered that in bed, and then wondered what in the hell is my calling. Should I be doing something parallel to help humanity? So that kept me awake.
I somehow fell asleep, and then woke up at 3:30, and I don't know why, but I ended up in Kristen's bed. I think Kelly called me because her stuffed animal fell out of her bunk so I gave it to her, and then baby completely took over my side of the bed, so I went and slept on the bottom bunk. Their room was so bright this morning, however, that Kristen was up at 6:30 - she had her second day of preschool and wanted to get ready early. Yes, she begged to go to preschool, so she is going Tues/Thurs. mornings. It was hard to do it, but she wants it, so we can't deny her, and it will be good for her because she's so shy.
Anyway, so we've had that to deal with this week, and it's been emotional because it's hard to let go. But we don't want her to be so shy like Kelly is at school, so it's all good.
And then tonight, Kristen had ballet, so we get there, late, and see it was a costume day, where they get to dress in their costumes for the big show in May. Well, there were about 4 others who didn't have costumes, and she didn't care, but we felt like assholes for not realizing it was costume week. Oh Margo, remember... oh, what name to give her.... Irma Koala? From high school? You know, she hung out with Irma-Lee? She broke her arm by falling off of your car or whatever? Well, anyway, her kid is in the same class, and Irma was so loud because the costume week wasn't in the newsletter, so she was all loud and complaining "IT WASN'T IN THE F-ING NEWSLETTER" and I just wanted to say "shut the fuck up, Irma, you are too loud and are embarrassing me." So anyway, that was interesting.
Anyway, I am watching the news right now, and I am freaked out about everything - global warming is blamed for the heatwave that killed 35000 in Europe a few years ago, and they say we need to change things drastically, because the prairies will have water shortages, places at sea level will be under water, yada yada. THEN, all the bees in the states are dying of this disease or something, and things aren't being pollunated, and so things may not grow, and it just seems like the Rapture can't be far behind. Scare me Dorothy.
I told you this wouldn't be an up post. Sorry Chunks. Chunks is going through hell right now because she is moving, and I can't say anything other than I know what you all are going through and I am sorry and it will get better. But, dear friend, give extra patience to your oldest, who is annoying you, because she will be leaving her highschool friends, and her boyfriend of a year, the love of her life. So just let her be a psychotic bitch if she needs to be, or a crying, hysterical nutbar, or just a brat - it's a bad time of life for her to be doing this. A year from now, you can say to her 'you sure were an impossible asshole to live with when we moved' but for now, just roll with it. And buy yourself a cat. Come on, for me... get a cat.
Oh, so anyway, this will make you smile. Well, maybe not, but I find it humorous in a warped way. I've been really strangely affected by Joni's mom dying. Maybe because I finally saw my parents this weekend for my birthday - they had us for dinner - and they are really old, and their frailty was sinking in, but anyway, I just thought 'fuck Joni, I haven't gone through it yet, but I somehow know what you are going through on some strange plane." Anyway, my metaphysical moment aside, I keep thinking of them. And I've always had this fascination with Myrtle Anderson, her mom, not only because she documented her so well in song, but also because she has been Joni's greatest supporter. Well, anyway, the funeral was Tuesday, and, coincindentally, I was supposed to be in Regina on Wednesday, so I was going to pass through Saskatoon at exactly the time of the funeral. So I was going to go. I figured it would be huge and I'd just sit in the back, or the basement (last couple ones I've been to, overflow has been in the basement, with it being piped via speakers down there). So I was just going to slip in, pay my respects to Myrtle, and go on my merry way. Long story short, we had a storm warning and then a storm and a couple inches of thick, B.C. style heavy snow, and freezing rain, and I didn't go. And then I read the paper yesterday. 55 PEOPLE WERE THERE. THAT'S IT. Can you fucking imagine? 55 people and I walk in to pay respects? I am sorry, but I howled with laughter, me trying to be inconspicuous, and then sitting there with the frigging family.... or being booted out...... I dunno, I found it funny.... maybe it's just me.
So anyway, the Junos are in Saskatoon this weekend, and it's like the biggest thing around. Tomorrow night, I have to go to the Juno Cup. I have a ticket for work, and I have to go to the VIP thing. I dunno, I hate hockey, so I don't even know what in the hell the big deal is - a bunch of retired NHL players playing hockey against some Canadian musicians - I know hardly any of them. I recognize the dude from Blue Rodeo, Barney Bentall, Sloan, and I've heard of Billy Talent and Sam Roberts, but that's it. Oh, and Brent Butt is there too for some reason. Anyway, I get to go to a meet a greet, so that will be interesting I guess. Anyway, it will be broadcast nationally, so look for me - the fat-ass in the crowd.
Susan Agluark is here tonight, for some Aboriginal Juno show thing. I bet it was a real He-na-na-ho....
Holy mother of pearl, I am sweating like Frank from Trading Spaces right now. It's like my knackers have become ovaries, and they are sending out menopause signals. Holy crap, I'm just so hot.... so hot.... \
Well, I AM 37 now. I had no need for the birthday crisis this year. No need for the "I am getting so old" bullshit. It is what it is, and it is brilliant. I was just another day. I spent it getting groceries and scooping dog shit in the back yard, and sorting through a year of bottles, cans, and juice containers to recycle. It doesn't get any better than that.
And thank you to all of you for the birthday wishes. They warmed my heart. And right now, they are warming every inch of my body..... you could grow rice on me right now.... holy hannah.....
Anyway, I am out of things to say. I'll be more entertaining this weekend. I am just too tired right now. And hot. Did I mention I am hot?
TGIF people - I'll talk to y'all tomorrow.
Margo, let us know that you made it home safely. I worry about you when you do odd things like fly to Vancouver and then drive home throught the mountains back to Cowtown in the same day, during rain and mudslide season, and taking the stupid gross dangerous route home. You are one crazy mofo.
Later gators.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Ode to Myrtle Anderson, Survivor, and the 1985 top 10 - it all fits together somehow, frighteningly

Whoa, it's really late. I didn't realize that. And, I've had some computer mishaps tonight - namely, writing comments and then losing them. And opening web pages, and then they close. All because of my stupid mouse, which is tangled up in the cord, and yada yada, it falls, I lean over, things go missing, I say the F word, then I pause to see if I woke up any children, and on it goes. It's the Circle Game, really.
Just poured myself a glass of Jesus Juice, and I am wondering if it's actually good. You see, it's sort of sparkling and I don't know if it is supposed to be sparkling. My father in law gave me a handful of bottles last night. He makes oodles of wine. Anyway, I don't recall ever having anything sparkling, but this stuff has a kick, in terms of bubbles. I guess you could say it's effervescent - just like me ! Let me tell ya, Martha Rae would have loved to have me in her mouth! HAHAHAHAHA.... Oh, that's so horrible. It's the two sips of Jesus Juice talking, really.

So on a more serious note, Joni Mitchell's mom died, the infamous Myrtle Anderson. She was 95, so it isn't like it was something totally unexpected, but still, I feel sad. Yes, that's me, sad for the death of someone I don't know. Go figure. But I guess it's because Myrtle features so prominently in Joni's songs, that she sort of has been an undercurrent in the music. Also, since one of my favorite Joni songs is "Let the Wind Carry Me", in which Myrtle was really called out.

Papas faith is people
Mama she believes in cleaning
Papas faith is in people
Mama shes always cleaning
Papa brought home the sugar
Mama taught me the deeper meaning

She dont like my kick pleat skirt
She dont like my eyelids painted green
She dont like me staying up late
In my high-heeled shoes
Living for that rocknroll dancing scene
Papa says leave the girl alone, mother
Shes looking like a movie queen

Mama thinks she spoilt me
Papa knows somehow he set me free
Mama thinks she spoilt me rotten
She blames herself
But papa he blesses me
Its a rough road to travel
Mama let go now
Its always called for me

Sometimes I get that feeling
And I want to settleAnd raise a child up with somebody
I get that strong longing
And I want to settleAnd raise a child up with somebody
But it passes like the summer
Im a wild seed again
Let the wind carry me

And it's that honesty of the whole parent/child relationship, warts and all, that I really admire. This song is from like 1972 I think, 72 or 73, I can't remember, but then fast forward 20 years, when Joni is in her FIFTIES, and she documents her relationship with her mother again. Joni left her husband, and took up with this, well, raggamuffin who I can't stand, but that's beside the point, named Don Freed, from Saskatoon. Mama didn't approve and had a hissy one Christmas, which is documented here (Margs, she's singing about the Bessborough here)

I went so numb on Christmas day
I couldn't feel my hands or feet
I shouldn't have come
She made me pay
For gleaming with Donald down her street
She put blame on him
And shame on me
She made it all seem so tawdry and cheap

"Oh, let's be nice, Mama, open up your gifts
You know, happiness is the best facelift"

I mean, after all, she introduced us
Oh, but she regrets that now
Shacked up downtown
Making love without a license
Same old sacred cow
She said, "Did you come home to disgrace us?"
I said, "Why is this joy not allowed?
For God's sake, I'm middle-aged, Mama
And time moves swift
And you know happiness is the best facelift"

Oh, love takes so much courage
Love takes so much shit
He said "You've seen too many movies, Joni"
She said "Snap out of it!"

Oh, the cold winds blew at our room with a view
All helpful and hopeful and candlelit
We kissed the angels and the moon eclipsed
You know, Happiness is the best facelift

We pushed the bed up to the window
To see the Christmas lights
On the east bank across the steaming river
Between the bridges lit up Paris-like
This river has run through both our lives
Between these banks of our continuing delights
Bless us, don't let us lose the drift
You know, Happiness is the best facelift.

So, through the span of her career, Joni writes out her relationship with Myrtle. And as an only child, Joni was so well-supported - she was the cat's ass. The one thing that really touched me was last year, when the Mendel gallery in Saskatoon did an exhibit called the Childhood of Joni Mitchell, where her mom put everything on display - childhood pictures, letters, poems, report cards, her prom dress - you name it, and attached to all of these things were notes written in Myrtle's neat handwriting.
It makes me pause to think of what our children can become when we give them all the support in the world, and let them feel like they really are the jewels in the sky. Joni and Myrtle may have had turbulence, but I know that she was such a proud parent and made her daughter believe that she was good, and could do, and supported her endevours, be it writing poetry, painting a picture, or what have you. So I learn from Myrtle. Mama might have always been cleanin', and disapprovin', but I know there was a part of her that thought "goddamn, go for it Joan!" (Myrtle would never say that, but subconsciously, I know she did).
SO here's to you, Mrs. Anderson, the Joni Mitchell community loves you more that you will know... whoa ooh oh.....

Question: I just posted lyrics to two songs. Did you read them or skip them? Go back and read them. It will take 30 seconds out of your busy lives. So do it and shut up.
But you know, I feel so old now. I turn 37 on Sunday. Fucking old. I feel like I should be calling my mom and saying "For God sake Mama, I'm middle aged and time moves swift, and you know happiness is the best facelift". LOL, I am like middle aged. I look 28 or so, I think, but I am middle aged. It all goes downhill from here.

Anyway, rest in peace, Myrtle dear. And hugs to you, Joan.

Ok, so Survivor. First off, drown all of those fucking men. Drown them. I really hate all that alpha male bullshit. Of course, that dude in the yellow shirt sort of got on my nerves just a little bit. And yeah, he might have been a little standoffish. But I mean, that ROcky bastard has to go. And for keeping HIM over the yellow shirt, well, they deserve a plague of locusts to descend upon them and chew holes in their nut sacks. THEN we'll see who's not getting laid for a year....
And that creepy butch girl on Exile - send her sorry ass home. She's some sort of creepy retarded Sue wanna-be. Send her home. And I can't stand the Chinese guy. Creepy and annoying and he needs to go home. I don't trust him. Face it. I don't like any of them.

For Amazing Race, I haven't watched this week's yet - still have it taped. So glad Romber is gone. Rob is another alpha male who I hate and who creeps me out. He can be so mean and horrible and violence always seems under the surface. he's like the kind who would torture someone. And Amber, well, she's just a non-lesbian Helen Hunt.
And Schmirna and Mirna? I still cheer for Schmirna because she's a midget, but Mirna is just awful and hateful. And instead of yelling at Schmirna, pick her the fuck up, hoist her in the crook of your arm, and run with her. Lazy bitch.

Tonight was such a beautiful night. Warm as hell, clear sky, all that. We were at the inlaws and I had a nice long hot tub with the kids. They live in the most beautiful space. Their backyard backs onto a park, which backs onto the river, so I had a view of the trees by the river, and the light in the west, and the cresent looking moon, and the stars, and this really bright star/planet/satellite or something. And freakishly, as soon as I saw that I started singing "Northern Star" by Hole in my head and it's still in there. Did I ever tell you, close friends, that Hole's Celebrity Skin is, indeed, one of my top 10 favorite albums EVER, of ALL TIME? It is. Believe it or not. It is such a good record. And on there is the song Northern Star, which everyone compared to Stevie Nicks, but I don't see it. Anyway, I never liked the song for years and now I love it. Malibu is probablymy favorite song on that album, which is about Kurt, but Northern Star worked tonight.

It's 11:51 and someone just JOGGED in front of my house. People are stupid.

Ok, just got out my Billboard Hot 100 Charts of the 1980's book, and this was the top 10 21 years ago, for the week ending March 23, 1985.
1.) Can't Fight this Feeling - REO Speedwagon
2. Material Girl - Madonna
3. One More Night - Phil Collins
4. The Heat is On - Glen Frey
5. Too Late for Goodbyes - Julian Lennon
6. Lover Girl - Teena Marie
7. Private Dancer - Tina Turner
8. High on You - Survivor
9. Only the Young - Journey
10. Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

Do you have any particular memories to these you want to share? Here are some of mine:
Can't fight this feeling - think of Margo, because I found a tape of her singing this song acapella. It was hillarious. She was so mad.

Material Girl - think of this guy I went to school with, Jay something or other, can't remember right now, who was with me when I bought the tape from Eaton's. He's an RCMP now and does something with a police dog.

One More Night - no emotinal memory, just physical - I had the album and whenever I hear this song, I picture my old bedroom, my rickety dresser with lime green paint and big white knobs, with my Kenmore stereo on top, playing this song. I remember this song was the last song on side one. I think.....I know Sussudio was the first song on side two, DOn't lose my number was the first song on side one, and Take me home was at the end, or something.

The Heat is On - I hate that song. I dunno, reminds me of Beverly Hills Cop, a movie I wanted to see so bad, and I went with my sister and her friend Cheryl and her sister Lynne, and I didn't get it, didn't find it funny, but I faked laughter like crazy. Literally did these big guffaws.

Too Late for Goodbyes - I loved Julian Lennon's album Valotte. This song reminds me of being at my sister's house, the wartime low-rental, in winter, and listening to it there. I don't know why. It's that house we drank in that one time, Margo, when they were in B.C.

Lover Girl - that song was classic. Reminds me more of summer, hot, sweaty, unbearable summer heat. But it also reminds me how disappointed I was when I bought the album. The thing sucked. I just remember the next song was "Help Youngblood get to the freaky party" - oh, quelle horrible!

Private Dancer - freaky memory - my cousin "Michelle" in my aunt's basement, listening to that song over and over, sometimes with headphones, in Calgary. She was all model looking and dating Stampeders, and was all into this Black thing, much to my American uncle, her stepdad's, chagrin. I knew something was funny. The next year we found out these Black dudes she was with ended up to be pimps, and she was a hooker. Her mom found out when she read about a sting in the Herald. Michelle moved to Montreal, worked the streets there for years, and had kids with this thug homeboy. Moved back to Cowtown last year. She's in her mid 40s now. What a waste. So it always reminds me of her, that song, and her listening to it so intently.

High on You - I don't like this song, but was proud of them since they had a new singer, who wasn't part of the "Eye of the Tiger" bullshit.

Only the Young - from that movie Crazy for you was from - Youngblood? Wasn't it about Matthew Modine losing his virginity to some old broad? Reminds me of grade nine. The movie sucked. The song is cheesy but I can't resist Steve Perry. For some reason, I've known for 21 years that it peaked at number 9. My weird chart thing.

Relax - Loved this song. I always wanted a Frankie say Relax shirt. Linda G., this oddball in Drama class, had a Relax shirt, and I tried to borrow it from her, but I don't think she budged. But the song was banned in England, and I never really got it. Like, I never googled the lyrics, but what in the hell do they mean? "relax, don't do it, when you wanna suck to it?" WTF? And the don't do it, when you wanna cum? Don't do WHAT is what I've always thought. I still don't know. Maybe I should google the lyrics and perhaps I am missing something, but here I am, middle aged, and I've never relaxed, and not did it, when I've wanted to come.... Ah, I think they are crazy. Those damn brits.

Anyway, that's my long rambling post. Now I gotta get to bed.

TGIF peeps.
Yours til the bed spreads,

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

random thoughts by the man who is too lazy to floss his teeth tonight

Random thoughts:
-- I thought Chunks' remark on her blog that her favorite flour was Robin Hood was the cat's ass. It made me laugh out loud and also made me think "damn, I wish I had thought of that."

-- I made a Jamaican banana bread tonight. It has coconut, pecans, lime juice, and rum in it. The cat's ass, baby.

-- The Conservatives are crooks. However, I can't vote for Stefan Dion, because he's creepy and can't speak English and he's sort of retarded. What in the hell is a boy to do? I give up voting NDP federally. I don't know.

-- If you ever fart in your car, be careful, because the smell will linger for hours.

-- I made an appointment to get my crowns done. My one temp has been in 7 years. I need to get something stronger than Ativan. Do they still give out Valium anywhere? Is that stronger? I need something strong. Stay tuned for panic attacks.

-- I have spring fever. I need to be outdoors.

-- Why does the news say it's snowing out. I am looking out of my window, and there is no snow. I think I see the moon. So what's up with that? Bloody wankers.

-- Chunks and Devo had a marathon conversation the other night and Devo said she thought it would be cool for all of us to get together sometime. Chunks doesn't like the idea because "it would ruin the magic". I know what she means. I've only met a few internet people in real life, and that's always a fear. Luckily, that hasn't been the case for me, and it's gone fine for the like 4 people I have met, it's always a fear. And it's freaky how internet friends can come and go. My two really close friends, Kelly in Winnipeg, and Ross in Honalulu, I've lost touch with and don't even know their email addresses anymore. It's sad. But somehow I don't think that can happen with these crazy Canadians, especially since they live so close.
But it got me to thinking - we wouldn't know what to say at first, so we'd have to break out the Jesus Juice and get the edge off, and then I'd fear Chunks would have a panic attack, but that would be good, because then I could kick into gear to talk her down, which I can do really well when people panic. And then there would be tears, and laughter, and food, and wine, and farting, and blog entries throughout.

-- Anyway, Chunks thinks I am effervescent, which would make me all panicked to be bubbly, so I'd be trying to be over the top and jumping around like a retarded jester, and launching into break dancing or something to keep the energy up.

-- Anyhow, I am out of thoughts so I am going to bed to finish my book. I have so many on the go, but can't commit to finishing anything. I can't remember the book I am reading, but the header proclaimed "A perverted David Sedaris" or something so I thought you can't miss. It started really sucky but it's picked up. Essays. The dude in indeed perverted. No David Sedaris, but growing on me. I'll post his name tomorrow if I remember. Also rereading that book about the guy who spent the year studying rats in an alley in NYC. Creeps me out, but I love that sort of thing. I've got this sewer thing. Still have my Complete Poems of Anne Sexton by the bed, but I get so depressed reading her. Small doses. I also have a book written by a former drug addict and prostitute in Calgary on the go, but again, so sad and I need laughter right now.
Hey, am I the only one here who has read the Andy Warhol Diaries? Please, seek it out. Best shit ever.

-- Blog topics for Margo and Roxanne: Margo, tell us about the adjustment to becoming a couple, since you have such space and privacy issues. Did that go out the window? And let's start a list of all the people we remember Liza sleeping with. Rox, you are moving right away - tell us how it really is for all of you. Kate, if you ever read this still, write about your favorite Joni songs. And albums. And how you got into Joan.

Have a good night everyone.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Sisters are doin' it for themselves

Ok, just read Margo's post about coming out, and well done! You exquisite beast! Anyway, here are my comments about her post.
Well, Margo mentioned that her first dalliance was with someone I have rudely called "The Whore" on here before. That's a little harsh. But, well, in essence, that was what she was. I don't know why she was the way she was, but it was a cry for help. But anyway. Background on The Slut. Margo's dad's girlfriend, Freida, had a son named Mike. Mike dated a lovely girl named Sharon. With me so far? Good. Well, Sharon had a little sister named "Liza" (the Whore) and she told stories about Liza, which came to Margo and me third and forth hand, such as she was a slut, and quit school in grade 9, and the one that wasn't true was that she was a drug addict and tried to inject peanut butter and milk on separate occasions to get high. We were like "OMG, FREAK!" and of course she had some weird mythic Courntey Love image in our minds (pre-Courtney Love in those days, so I guess substitute her with Nancy Spungeon).
Anyway, flash forward to New Years Eve, 1987. Margo had forsaken me for New Years with her Mama in Alta, so I was left to my own devices. This meant going to a party with these older, blue collar types who were all studying mechanics at the trade school in town. I was still in high school, so it was cool hanging out with them, but they were old and drank Pil and such, so I couldn't relate. Anyway, I am at this party, about 8 of us, nothing much, and I am of course drunk as a skunk, and in my acid wash and my mullet and such, and skinny, and looked freakishly like Jason Bateman.
Well, at this party was these guys' friend, Heather we'll call her, who was the token girl mechanic student, which was a big deal in those days. She was really nice, but really big - she must have been 6 feet tall, big boned, nice smile and eyes, red hair, and lots of it. Everywhere. So, me being the nice drunk guy that I am, I talk to her and she shared her rollies with me, and then for some reason we were outside at midnight with sparklers and it was time for the New Year's kiss, and she planted one on me and shoved her big tongue down my throat and I was thinking "Lord help me"becuase i had this OTHER older woman after me, who was very large, and who literally tried to rape me in a field one night and straddled me and I couldn't move, but that's another post. So I maneovered myself away from Heather and someone was talking pictures so the kiss was on film and then she mooned the camera..... and I didn't know what to do. Her ass, which wasn't small, was hairy. VERY hairy. Now, I must admit something to you, dear readers. It's an image you don't want. But nevertheless, here it is. I have an extremely hairy ass. It sort of looks like one of the Baldwin brother's backs. But I have testosterone. I am SUPPOSED to have one. She wasn't supposed to. And THEN, she turns around to do up her pants, and her belly was hairy. There wasn't enough beer in me to process the whole thing.
Well, apparently, I gave her my number in my drunken state, because a few nights later, at like 10 at night on a Sunday, she calls and asks if I want to go for coffee with her and her friends, Liza and Dean. I didn't know what to say, so I said ok, and off we went. Well I knew Dean from school - he was a year older than me, and I somehow ended up with him at his friend's house, this guy who was, literally, 350 lbs, and was addicted to pornography, and that was where I saw my first porno movie, but I digress. Anyway, I knew Dean sorta and then when I figured out who Liza was, I almost passed out, because I was like "Is she gonna break out the peanut butter?" But anyway, we end up back at Heather's basement suite, and it had a broken shower that was leaking on the floor and they said it was from Heather and Dean's obese best friend, getting stuck in the shower, after the 4 of them had a Mazola party. Unfortunately, I realized later, this was the truth.
SO anyway, I was still young little Jason Bateman, cavorting with swingers, freaked out but trying to be cool. And I started hanging out with them because I couldn't get away from Heather, who loved me. Margo was getting all pissy about this because I was always with them, but it was complicated. The thing about Liza was that the second time I was with them, she was with this OTHER guy, also named Dean. Then the next time she was with a guy who I went to school with named Melvin Dinkle, and THEY appeared to be dating as well. So I figured out she had three boyfriends, all of them in love with her and not knowing about each other. She also let it slip that her and Heather slept with "Grease", this hideous guy we went to school with. Ick factor.
So you are saying WHORE right now. But she had a way about her that just captivated people. I was smart and always knew her game, but she pulled the same crap with me. She attacked me in Heather's car (I dunno why she had it) one night on a country road, and suddenly she was calling me secretly and we'd meet secretly for coffee and would be making out in the corner of the coffee shop and stealing feels all over the place and it was so sick because in the back of my mind I was thinking "she has at least 3 boyfriends I know about who would kill me if they walked in" but she had her way.
So anyway, I finally got a couple different groups of my friends together one night at Margo's house, and to my suprise, Margo and Liza hit it off really well. And then we all started hanging out, but while the whole thing waned with me, after watching Liza dump those three boyfriends and pick three more and sleep with every available person in the meantime, her and Margo got close. And it was all so normal for us to be amung this crap. I remember she used to sleep with our friend Dirtnut all the time, and our gross friend hillbilly Wayne, who stunk to high heaven, and then, our friend Pee Wee was dating her, and she took his virginity this one night, after she made Margo go with her and Dirtnut to the bush in his truck (pretending they were going for smokes) and they pumped while Margo sat in the front and looked out the window, and then she had relations with Wayne on a trip that night to pick up beer, and then deflowered poor Pee Wee.
But I digress - I am just trying to show you her appeal - ask us about the Kirby man one day .
Anyway, Dirtnut was the first to tell me that Margs and Liza were intimate - he said he walked in on them. I don't know if it was true, but I just thought whatever, she's just playing around, and I mean, I know how Liza works and can make you feel like you are the king of the world, so I just thought she was doing some mind games on Marg.
So, I knew that shit was going on, maybe, and it didn't even make an impression on me. But then fast forward a bunch of years, and Margo is talking to poor sick "Mike" on the internet, who needs a new kidney. "Mike" freaked me out because "he" seemed so in love, and this was in the new days of the internet so this was all so weird for me. Well, Margo goes to California with our friend Shaggy and meets up with "Mike" who picks her up in a limo and all of this shit, and I am freaking out, because Mike could be some killer. THEN, she plans a trip to see Mike in Texas, and she goes, and stays in Mike's guesthouse and all of this, and I am thinking she is going to be chopped up in a box and stowed away under the bed. But she survives and ends the relationship because he was sick and in love and needed more than Margo could give him.
So I tell everyone what Margs did and they are all "she's gonna end up killed" and whatever. But then flash forward a bit. Margo comes to visit. On her last night, she wants to go for coffee, but when we get to the hotel we were gonna have coffee in, she says she wants to go into the lounge and play vlt's. So, being a diehard gambler back then, I jump, and she starts buying us beer, which should have been a sign, since Margo was frugal with beer back then. But she gets me drunk and I am thinking "holy fuck, there's another beer" and so we are sitting at the table and she's all "I have to tell you something" and I am thinking she's got cancer or she's knocked up so I say hold that thought, went to pee, and came back and told her to spring it on me. She does the "I'm Lebanese" thing, and I was thinking holy doodle. My first response was to say "hold that thought' and went to call Rachel, who was expecting me. But I was in the lobby of this hotel with people all around so I am all drunk and going "oh yes, I will be longer than planned. Margo just told me... .she's like Peter." Peter is Rachel's uncle who had just come out too. So she was all "OH! WELL... We'll see you later then!" LOL, it was classic. So we have a nice heart to heart and it was confirmed that the WHore stories had some truth, and then we drove home in her Miata, with Melissa's "Ain't it Heavy" blaring and the line "I been feeling kinda wild since I turned 17' came on and she was all "this is so me.... that bitch ruined me!" and we laughed like banshees. Then we get to my place, and Margo, who isn't a hugger, got out and hugged me and it was just such a touching, fun, drunk moment.
I remember the night she came out to her mama, the night she went to her first gay bar, then she took us the second time she went (we were visiting) and I remember her first lesbian friend, who was an oddball extordinare - you must post about her. I was there through the first gay coworker, the time she was outed to a coworker by accident, and the whole obsession with "Lucy". Margo, you have to post about Lucy, the whole obsession, if Rochelle doesn't mind - wait, maybe not..... but the trip where you had to share the room with her is so funny. I won't say more unless you post about it. But anyway, I was also there when she got the first email from Rochelle and my gut feeling was "this one is normal, go for it!" because the rest were toads in the past and I think I harassed the poor girl until she responded. Thank the Lord for Rochelle - she has made all the difference in Margo's life. It's just so wonderful to see. So here's to you my friend. Thank you for trusting in me and taking me on this wild journey of sistahood - from the bars, the bookstores, the trip, the Seinfeld moments, letting me make a top 10 cunnilingus do's and don't for the amusement of you and your friends, and, finally, to the person who is so good for you and enriches your life. I knew you'd find her - you deserve your happiness. Rock on, sister friend.
And I would never make fun of your for having a purse.
Anyway, that's my response to her post.
Have a good week everyone.


I have nothing to say. I am dried up like a raisin, or a prune, or Joan Rivers' privates. In any case, I have nothing of value to say, which you can tell by the last couple posts. I think I am going to have to be desparate and do what the tv shows do and add a new character. Perhaps Cousin Oliver will come and live in my blog or something.
Of course, here I sit because I don't want to go to bed at 10 o'clock, because that would be just wrong (Superstore, Safeway, and Walmart are just closing - you can't go to bed when retail is still open, for the love of God). So, I am just going to do a random "whatever thought comes into my head" post.
So anyway, I am just sitting here, and my cat has spring fever. She's either trying to tell me about some kids in an abandoned well two towns over, or she's trying to warn us about an earthquake about to hit, or the dog sneezed in her water dish, or she's just plain weird and is into "maniality" (whatever the opposite of bestiality would be) and wants to make sweet love to me, because she's on my neck and head-butting my face, and purring in my ear and the more I shove her away, the more determined she is to come back and roll all over me. And, she's making my eyes itch, so it's gotta be spring coming around the bend.

Puzzler for you: I was in the shower this morning, and, since I always have to be reading something, I was reading the label of my shower gel. It's some Adidas stuff that I really like (I bought my favorite bar soap from the Body Shop last week, their Tea Tree Oil soap, but I don't like using it because it cost $6.66, and, well, that is an indication that it's going to lead to soap in the eye, or a urethral inflamation, or I'll drop it, and smack my head on the spiggot as I pick it up and pass out and then drown - I mean, it's all there in the price). Well, as I was saying, I like this body wash, but then I saw their wonderful advertising feature. On it, in b0ld print, it says "Developed with Athletes." Ok, don't get me wrong. I do respect athletes. Some of them, anyway. Well, curlers, anyway. But tell me this - how is this a selling feature? Ok, I know, athletes sweat and stink as part of their living, but don't tell me an athlete would know how to make the body wash work. Like what, Gretsky is sitting there in the lab, looking like Ashley from Young in the Restless when she's in the lab at Jabot, whipping up her perfume? So Gretsky smells it and says "just another dash or fragrance #4325, and then another 3 particles per cc of hydroxinulium for viscosity, and then maybe try the FDA blue/green 23 for the color." What athletes developed this stuff, and what did they do to it? It's like saying cookies were developed with the Keebler Elves. So anyway, it just doesn't jibe with me, and now it's making me feel itchy, because what do these people know? Until Charles Barkley and Billie Jean King get PH.D's in Chemistry, keep any reference to their professions off of my body wash.
The same goes for those old OB tampon ads where it was all "made by a woman doctor". Ok, I know, I know, you are all going to jump down my throat, but just because a woman doctor developed them doesn't mean they will fit you better. I mean, it's not like Tampax was tested on rabbits. I am sure their women testers said, in the making of their products "ouch, this thing feels like shit" or "oh wow, I can ride a bike now!" So that whole thing doesn't fly with me either.
Anyway, as you can tell, I really have nothing to write about.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Excerpt from the Shiloh Jolie-Pitt autobiography in 2025

I never felt any real love from my mother. It was always a forced thing, much like our smiles on the cover of our Amnesty International Christmas Cards each year, or our United Colors of Benetton ads after Daddy left us for Anthony Michael Hall, when we needed a little more money for blood decantors. No, I never measured up to her and her expectations of what a daughter should be. I was always letting her down. I was always falling behind in my Vietnamese lessons, and could never master chop sticks, I couldn't play the Cambodian National Anthem on the tabla, nor could I master the history of Zaire or be comfortable with rings around my neck. And this was a problem that set me apart, and brought me the loathing of my siblings. Indeed, I was considered ungrateful, and was always catching hell for not feeding Mia Farrow, whom mother kept chained in the basement, lest she adopt more children and take away from her glory. Sometimes, Mother would make dress up in a Hello Kitty dress and pretend I was Soon-Yi, and I had to tell her I was off to fuck Woody, as I placed the Alpo in Mia's bowl. "Oooh, I can't wait to take the glasses off of Woody and make him stammer even more!" I would have to say. It was really quite traumatic for all of us. But you know Mother - no stopping HER in her quest for the mothering award from the mothership.
And I could never do anything right in her eyes. She wanted me to be like her, and I failed miserably. I couldn't stop going to school, and I would spend hours each weekend, hiding in the garden shed, studying for the S.A.T.'s and choosing colleges. I couldn't bring myself to wear vials of blood, or cut myself, or sleep with every man and woman I knew. I couldn't even kiss Maddox. Mother would just shake her head and walk away, scooping up a handful of children and hugging them, the way I wanted her to hug me.
Dad was no help - he was busy with Anthony Michael. I don't even think he's gay - I think he just chose to leave with him because, well, he hasn't made the best love choices in his life, and, well, he needed to take his sabbatoge one step further, especially since Jennifer Anison Suzuki kept taunting him with her humanitarian efforts. So I was alone, alone in my misery. I thought, perhaps, things would pick up, after mother married Frank from Trading Spaces. However, it was not to be. She wanted him only to harvest the salt out of the sweat on Frank's clothes, which she then bartered for children in Nepal. 4 children for a bushel of salt - she couldn't lose..... she just couldn't lose.
This story is one not for the faint of heart. But it does tell of a little girl lost and her quest to find herself. And blood vial or no blood vial, family is forever.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Scooters, Fall, and why Brad and Angelina suck ass

It's been a suck-ass week in shitsville. Seriously. Just fucking shitty. Nothing major really, but you know when shit happens, it all just sort of all happens at once so everything seems amplified and so you are extra touchy? Well, that's me. So, I am trying to relieve myself of the grumpies, and hopefully I can stamp them out (a game I play with the kids - shaking their grumpies out and stamping the grumpies on the floor). Anyhoo, work has been stressful, the kids have been tired, yada yada yada, just the ordinary stuff, but man, I've been way too crabby.

So anyway, I was reading my comments on the last Meme thing, and Devo said she didn't understand all of it. Well, I looked it over, and tried to figure out what didn't make sense. I am guessing the "Are we not men? We are Devo" thing probably was one of them. That's the name of a Devo album from the early 80s or late 70s, I don't remember, and that line is from the song "Jocko Homo" where it goes "Are we not men? We are Devo. Are we not men? D-E-V-O!" So, ever since I've known Devo, whenever I see her name, I sing that song in my head. You must download it because it's just so lame it's hilarious. It will do a body good.

So, I see Brangelina have yet again adopted another child of the world. Whoo hoo, come on ring those bells! I have no idea why this annoys me so much. I know it's a good thing a poor orphan doesn't have to spend it's like down by the river, hauling water on his/her head in a homeade jug, but my initial thought was I feel bad for the poor nannies who have to look after another charge. I guess I just keep thinking about my kids, and comparing. Their baby is 9 months old. The other kids are whatever the hell they are. And now there is a 4th, in under, what, 5 years? So tell me, wouldn't this kid take attention away from the others, who probably don't get enough? Who wants a nanny to look after their kids? I mean, I guess it makes sense from Angelina's point of view, since she's from Mars, and she's the spawn of Jon Voight, who looks like he was fucked years before he was squealing like a pig in Deliverance.
But old fucking Brad is from wherever the hell he is from and presumably had a humdrum childhood in a normal family, so like, if you think about yourself as a 3 year old and Mama keeps bringing home more orphans, well, fucking right you'd end up with some complex. The bitch will never be Mia Farrow, and he ain't no Woody Allen, so give it up. I just wish Jen would get herself knocked up by someone socially superior to them - like, she could get classic revenge if she got knocked up by David Suzuki or Al Gore and had her little baby named Kyoto or something, and then MOVED to Bangladesh and spent a few years giving innoculations or something.
I don't know why Brangelina bother me so much. It's not that she's crazy and has slept with Billy Bob, and it's not that she kept his blood on her at all times, and it's not that she's made sweet love with her freaky brother, you know, the one who looks like Jean Kasem? No, it's not even that. Nor is it the whole cheap tattoo thing. I don't know what it is. And Brad... I can't think of anything I've seen him in that I liked. And I mean, what in the hell is so shit hot about him? If I had a frigging trainer and a dietician, and smoked like a motherfucker, I could have a nice six pack and if I had a good stylist I too could have steaked hair and if I could afford caps, I too could have a dazzling smile. So what are you left with? Oh, yes, a man who leaves his wife for a fucking blood wearing kook who has had Billy Bob Thornton's PENIS inside her, and supposedly LIKED having said penis inside her. How whacked is that? So no, I just don't get it. Pissheads, every one of them. Jen, get yourself to Calcutta and wash the feet of lepers. We'll show them who's morally superior.

Ok, next random topic - why is it that Tim Horton's coffee is so addictive? I am as gullible as any when it comes to urban legends - indeed, I still get a little freaky when I chew Bubblicious because of the spider egg thing, but have you heard people tittering all over that Tim's adds nicotine to the coffee to get people addicted? LOL, it's so funny. But yet, I wonder why it's so addictive? I always have my morning Tim's, but this week, I've been picking up an XL in the afternoon too. It's sinful. It sort of reminds me of my smoking days, because in the last 7 years of smoking, I got addicted to Craven M - you know, your grandma's cigarette. After smoking du Maurier for years, I switched to McDonald Mentol Light, which really were hideous when you think about it, and smelled like dope. But when they were out one day, the guy was all "I have Craven M" so I bought them, and then whammo, I was hooked, and wanted to chain smoke the fuckers. And then, I lent one to my brother in law, who was a social smoker, and he was all "H0ly shit!" and we both would spend hours sitting outside saying "what the hell is in these things?" So I am convinced something more than good old nicotine was in those things.
What else is new.... nothing really. I was in Saskatoon for meeting yesterday, all day, and it was a really good day, but on the ride home, the roads were sort of shitty, so I was freaked out. I made a Chantal Kreviasuk cd for the ride. Did I ever say how much I dig her? She is one of the few who I will seek out the new albums from. I saw her here in town a couple years ago, in a 600 seat theatre (her relatives live here) and it was honestly almost the best concert I've been to. She was here last month again, but I didn't get tickets and I kicking my ass. I love "In This Life". Anyway, I urge all of you to give her a chance. She's so frigging good.
I am so boring yet again, aren't I? I don't feel like going to bed yet. Tomorrow, we have swimming lessons, and we are always running late for them, and then after we usually take the kids for lunch or shopping or something, but my hair always looks so fucked up after swimming, so I kind of look a little retarded. Hey Margo, there is another parent in our class who was younger than us and for some reason, I think there is some connection with you - you and him either had a fight, or you just hated him, or you hooked up with him, or something. Remember the dude nicknamed Beef? It's his cousin. Ring any bells? I don't know why I connect you and him.
I know I promised you all a Prince post, but I don't think it will happen tonight since I rambled on and on. But don't worry, it will come. I was just listening to "Gett Off" tonight in the van, and that song always gets me going - I am especially good at rapping the line "I like em fat, I like em proud/you gotta have a mother for me/so move your big ass 'round this way so I can work on that zipper baby/ tonight, you're a star... and I'm the big dipper...." I remember seeing Rosie do that exact stream of lines on Letterman years ago and it was so funny, and that's what made me realize that she's my sista from another Mista.....
I am just looking at the bottom of the template here, and it says "Labels for this post: scooters, vacation, fall". WTF? Scooters? Yes, file this under scooters..... frigging blogger.
Oh man, this is so boring, I should just cut you loose. Oh, I made a horrible, horrible joke today. Horrible. I went for coffee this morning with some friends. Let's call them... let's see.... Jonsie, Bardot, and Whitaker, and on the radio was Boston's "More than a Feeling" which I love, btw - go Boston! - and I said "The lead singer killed himself last week" which is true, and they were all whatever, and I said "yeah.... I should have known something was up.... I had a feeling.... MORE than a feeling" and it was really funny, but honestly, it was really a horrible thing to say. Sometimes I just really dissapoint myself with the crap that rolls off of my tongue. Do you all ever feel like that?
Margo, I need to apologize for making fun of Brad Paisley - I do own some country besides the marginal country of Mary-Chapin and Rosanne (have I ever said here how Mary-Chapin Carpenter's Come On, Come On is one of my favorite albums of all time? It's true, and I can sing it all). I actually own such things as Tim McGraw's Greatest Hits (I can identify with having a BBQ stain on my white t-shirt and such) and I LOVE "She Said Yes" by Chad Brock. I love that song so much. Anf of course the Dixie Chicks I love, and such. But Faith Hill leaves me dry. Her and Tim are coming to S'toon in June, (hey, I was a poet and I didn't even realize - remember that saying Margs?) and it sold out in 20 minutes today.
Oh for fuck's sake, they are showing the "Brangelina addition" on the news right now. Suck my ass.
LOL, sorry, I know that sounds so crude, but it's a saying from my friends Sharon and Jonesy, and it doesn't sound nearly as gross as when they say it.
Hey, let me tell you a story about Jonesy before I go. I'll try to watch the language. I know that Margo has this thing against a certain word. A word that begins with the letter C. You know where I am going. WELL. I used to work with Jonesy, and we are really tight, and as we were so close, a small group of us, we all know way too much about each other. Well, Jonesy grew up in this unbelievably rough family. Her siblings, for the most part, were on the street, into drugs and prostitution, and I still can't figure out how she was the only one of 11 kids to make it out normally. So she's an enigma. But anyway, because of this, she just wasn't aware of some stuff. For example, since they never had Christmas, she never had a stocking, so after she told us she never understood the concept, Sharon and I, one year, went out and each bought a bunch of stocking stuffers and stuffed one and hung it in her office, which led to tears and such and a Hallmark moment. But anyway, she's really an awesome person and she's married to this white guy and she hangs out with some uppity people and such, and she took up golf one summer. And she used to golf with these women who were sort of her friends, but were really well to do, and I know them all and they were indeed well to do. WELL, for some reason, Jonesy started saying the C word, because she picked it up from her hubby's friends, but didn't realize that it was on a plane worse than the F word, which she uses freely . So, I guess she was golfing with these women and was just throwing the word out there when she had a bad shot. So she tells us one day about this and how the women looked away when she said it, and how she told her hubby and he was all "you can't say that to women" and whatever. So she asked us to back her up and we were all "um, that's a really bad word to many people" because i know Margo was always so offended by it (although she says twat like it's darn). So then Jonesy didn't believe us, so we got Wilma into my office, this hard-talking woman, and asked her "what is the worst word?" and she immediately said the C word, which made Jonesy panic and us collapse in a fit of laughter and THEN Wilma said "you can only say it in the bedroom" and you know, 4 years later, we still don't get it. We were all "I dunno what Wilma does, but I've never felt the need to utter it in the boudoir". I don't know, the story is way funnier if you know us and were there. Typing it out, it sounds really lame..... ah well, I tried. Here I sit, broken hearted, paid a dime and only farted...
Ok, I will put y'all out of your misery and sign off.
I'll talk about Prince and Heart tomorrow, I guess.
Love and other indoor sports,
No, my first name ain't baby.....

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Meme that Was

The Meme.

1. What time did you get up this morning?

-- Woke up at 7:00, was out of bed at about 7:15. That sucks.

2. Diamonds or Pearls?

-- is one of my favorite Prince songs. I really should blog about Prince because of all we've been through. I think it would be an interesting post, actually. Perhaps tomorrow I will do just that. Yes, stay on the lookout for the Prince post.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

-- "At the cinema"? Well la-dee-da, that sounds so cultured, like I should be saying some Pedro Aldomar film or something. Alas, it was Charlotte's Web, which made me cry and which made me bawl even harder when I looked at my three year old wiping away tears because Charlotte died. But then I was so preoccupied through the whole movie because I don't think my kids know that meat comes from animals and I didn't want that conversation, so I was cringing at first.

4. What is your favorite TV show?

-- For current shows, it has to be The Simpsons, hands down. Also into Survivor, Big Brother in the summer, HGTV real estate shows, King of the Hill, Ellen, the View, Kenny Vs. Spenny, finally getting into Corner Gas, the National, Amazing Race, American Idol.... For old shows, Maude, All in the Family, Match Game, Password, Kate and Allie, Family, Family Ties, Brady Bunch, My So-Called Life, Mary Tyler Moore, The Twilight Zone, Facts of Life, One Day at a Time, Good Times, the Jeffersons, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Larry Sanders Show, Arrested Development, and there are many more.

5. What did you have for breakfast?

-- Quaker high fibre berry-flavored oatmeal, vanilla Activia, a Golden Delicious apple, a can of diet Dr. Pepper, and an XL Tim's with milk.

6. What is your middle name?

-- Urkel. Ok, it's William.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?

-- Chinese, Japanese, Ukrainian, Italian.

8. What foods do you dislike?

-- Mustard, olives, wild meat, clamato juice.

9. Your favorite Potato chip?

-- Old Dutch Onion and Garlic, which they brought back after a 10 or 20 year hiatus, and All Dressed. Hate ketchup chips.
But you know, I want to call them crisps like they do in England. A packet of crisps.

10. What cd have you been listening to lately?

-- Nothing really. In the van is U2's 18 Greatest Hits or something, and a Heart Greatest Hits, which is a disappointing, piss-poor compilation. I think I need to blog about Heart too - Stay tuned for Prince and Heart post, together at last! The car has Black Cadaillac by Rosanne Cash in it which I can't listen to anymore because it makes me too sad, and a wrecked homeade cd with doesn't play anything other than "Whenever I Call You Friend" by Kenny Loggins and Stevie Nicks.

11. What car do you drive?

-- Dodge Grand Caravan which has the most trunk space ever. It rocks! I was going to buy one of those Pontiac vans, the ones that replaced the Montana, that look like SUV's from the front, and I was even going to get a new one, but I realized the glove box has more space than the back trunk area. And then, I found the grand caravan, and it is so roomy in the back. It was the cat's ass. I love it. More room than the Honda van too. Love it. My car is an old Ford Focus, which I only bought because it was cheap as borsht and brand new and a good deal. I hate Fords. Really, really can't stand them. But I have to admit, it's the best stereo I've ever heard, and it's been an awesome car, but I have horrible, cheap tires on it and I am scared driving to work some days because the tires are so shitty.

12. Favorite sandwich?

-- Chicken Ceasar Salad Sandwich from Amy's on Second. I usually don't dig Amy's all that much because it's a little shi-shi-poo-poo 'we are in Where to Eat in Canada for 13 years' type of thing, but this sandwich is the cat's ass: They make the best ceasar dressing, and the sandwich is chicken and bacon on foccacia with the awesome dressing, stuffed with ceasar salad. So good. Only on the lunch menu though. Amy's is where I got Joni Mitchell's used wine glass too. Believe it or not, she used to be in my town all the time about 10 years ago when her boyfriend lived here, and she was always at Amy's, and my sister saw her there one night and got her waiter friend to steal me her wineglass. I still have it but the lipstick wore off.

13. What characteristics do you despise?

-- Pomposity, bragging, snooty people. I would love you more if you said "I am having a shitty day and my kids are in jail and my cable got cut off, and I can't stop farting, and my spouse accidently answered the door naked when the priest came by for a bottle drive" than if you said "Oh, I like your house, but I wouldn't live in your hood because, well, not everyone is white there, and, well, you know....." You know what I mean. Those snotty, snobby people can suck my ass.

14. What are your favorite clothes?

-- When I am halfway between fat and normal like I am now, I prefer my brown Old Navy cords, my Roots white shirt, and my black fleece vest.

15. If you would go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?

-- New York, if I was selfish, but with the kids, it would be Hawaii or Disneyland, and I also want to go to B.C. just to go home again.

16. Favorite brand of clothing?

-- I don't really get into brands anymore, believe it or not. But I do like Old Navy and Gap stuff.

17. Where would you want to retire?

-- B.C.

18. Favorite time of day?

-- Used to be after midnight, but now, it varies. Becoming more of a morning person than I thought.

19. Where were you born?

-- Arcola, Saskatchewan.

20. What is your favorite sport to watch?

-- Men's Curling. Well, women too, if Colleen isn't there chewing her cud.

21. Who do you think will not send this back?

-- Devo.

22. Person you expect to send it back first?

-- Ain't Nobody, to quote Chaka Khan.

23. Pepsi or Coke?

-- Coke, baby.

24. Beavers or Ducks?

-- LOL, I won't even make the joke.... beavers..... lol, oh yeah baby, beavers. All jokes aside, scared shitless of birds.

25. Are you a morning person or night owl?

-- To quote my man George Benson, because there's music in the air and lots of lovin' everywhere, so give me the night!

26. Pedicure or Manicure?

-- frightening feet here, so maybe a pedicure could fix them up a bit.

27. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share?

-- Zippo

28. What did you want to be when you were little?

-- librarian.

29. What is your best childhood memory?

-- So many.... one I always remember is the summer before the move, in August, Sunday afternoon, laying in the park next to the Hope Slough where we always went to smoke, laying there with a hickey on my neck that I pretended was a scratch from a blackberry bush, looking up at the trees and the bluest sky I ever saw, by myself, waiting for Sue, Delilah, and Steven to come back with the picnic lunch of tuna sandwiches on white bread and juice, with Matinee cigarettes for dessert, thinking at that moment that I was, for the first time, perfectly happy at that moment and in my life and thinking I was not moving and it couldn't happen since I was so blissed out at this point in my life. Well, I paid for that afternoon of happiness with 3 years of misery, but at least I didn't know what was coming at the time.... anyway, this memory was to be part of the moving post I keep putting off, which I'll do one day when I am ready....

30. Ever been toilet papering?

-- Just vicariously through the main character and the Chinese girl (Tracy Wu I think) in Judy Blume's Blubber, my favorite book as a child.

31. Been in a car accident?

-- Minor rear-ended by a woman named Winona.

32. Favorite restaurant?

-- Don't laugh. Edo.

33. Favorite flower?

-- Lilac

34. Favorite ice cream?

-- Baskin Robbin's Dacquiri Ice and the Banana Fudge that came in the big pail. Haven't seen either for years and years.

35. Favorite fast food restaurant?

-- A&W and Taco Time.

36. How many times did you fail your drivers test?

-- twice.

37. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

-- McNally Robinson, the best bookstore in the world. They have one store in Saskatoon, 5 in Winnipeg, and one in Manhattan. Kicks Chapters' sorry ass. I'd choose Ikea as a runner up too.

38. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?

-- Q: Are we not men? A: We are Devo.

39. Last person you went to dinner with?

-- My wife and beautiful daughters.

40. How many tattoos do you have?

-- I am sorry, but I hate tattoos. Hate them. Sorry, I know you all have them, but I think they are ugly and cheap looking and gross and they remind me of Carnies and people who try to be hip and they are cheap and gross and horrible and hideous and will look fucking stupid when you are 80 years old and have some fucking Chinese letters on your saggy arm or that rose on your tit, or the "Made in Canada" around your belly button. And for Orthodox Jews, I think they are a sin. In any case, they are sinfully ugly. Whew, vitriol at it's finest!

41. How many people are you sending this to?

-- Pilot of the Airwaves, hear my request...

42. What time did you finish this e-mail?

-- Well, THIS time, it's 11:00 p.m.

43. Favorite magazine?

-- Well, since the advent of the internet, I no longer have to go to that store on the wrong side of town to pick up the latest issue of "All Horny Midgets tit-fucking, gang-bang interracial facial Monthly", so I guess it would have to be Time. LOL, ok, seriously, I love Harrowsmith (stop laughing), British Columbia, New York Magazine (not the New Yorker, but New York), EW, and my favorite is one published out of North Carolina called The Sun (not to be confused with The Sun tabloid thing - seek out The Sun - the best mag ever. My North Carolinian friend turned me on to it and I am addicted, but it's hard to find.

44. If you could meet any famous person, who would it be?
Rosie O'Donnell. We're one, but we're not the same.
Well, Joni and Stevie too, of course, but with Rosie, I could get her to find their numbers and we'd call them.

45. If you could choose another first name, what would it be?
-- Fuck if I know. Well, I always have had a thing for the name Jason.

46. If you could change your profession right now, what would you be doing?
-- Epidemiologist, medicine, writer. Health inspector too.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

THAT'S THE KIND OF DAY IT'S BEEN..................

Monday, March 12, 2007

One of these Meme things about music

Name your top 10 most played bands from your music library:

Ok, this will be interesting:
1.) Joni Mitchell
2.) Fleetwood Mac
3.) U2
4.) Stevie Nicks
5.) James Taylor
6.) Rosanne Cash
7.) The Cure
8.) The Eagles
9.) Prince
10.) Carly Simon

What was the first song you ever heard by 6?

It would have been "Seven Year Ache" of course, back in 81 or so, and as an 11 year old I bought the tape even though it was country. I didn't become a fanatic though until I heard "All we Need" back in 90 and "Rules of Travel" in 2003.
What is your favorite album of 2?

Well, it would have to be Rumours for nostalgia followed by Mirage, although Tusk is fast becoming a favorite and the one I listen to most.

What is your favorite lyric that 5 has sung?

"Well the sun is slowly sinking down/and the moon is slowly rising/and this old world must still be spinning around/ and I still love you..." from "You can Close Your Eyes" which is Kristen's song when she was born.

How many times have you seen 4 live?

-- Once, with Fleetwood Mac, without Lindsey, back in... I don't know, 1991? I cried like a pansy.

What is your favourite song by 7?

"All I Want" followed by "Just Like Heaven" and "A Night Like This

"What is a good memory you have involving the music of 10?

-- Sitting in the bathtub when I was 4, while my sister and her friend Jane played "You're So Vain" over and over again.
-- Laying in bed, after midnight, during a warm summer night, with nothing on and that awesome summer breeze smell coming in my bedroom window, listening to "Gimme All Night" with headphones when I was about 17 or 18. Yes, that was better than the first one.

Is there a song of 3 that makes you sad?

-- Well, "One" isn't a tea party, that's for sure.

What is your favorite lyric that 2 has sung?

I'm giving you 4. If you don't like it, kiss my arse.
-- "I've been afraid of changing/because I've built my life around you/but time makes you bolder/children get older/and I'm getting older too." Landslide
-- "Time cast a spell on you, but you won't forget me....I'll follow you down til the sound of my voice will haunt you...." Silver Springs.
-- "And the Songbirds are singing like they know the score/And I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before". Songbird.
-- "I turned around/and the water was closing all around/like a glove/like the love/that had finally, finally found me/ - Crystal

How did you get into 3?
-- Video for "New Years Day". I loved the song and the video when I was like 14.

What was the first song you heard by 1?

-- Would have been "The Circle Game" which we sang in Grade 4 for a concert. We played ukeleles with it. Now that I have kids, I can't listen to the song without bawling.

What is your favorite song by 4?
-- I will only list Stevie solo and not her FM stuff so.... has to be "Stand Back" or "Some Become Strangers"

How many times have you seen 9 live?

-- I actually had tickets in 2003, and we had 4th row! Forth row, in a small theater. The stupid purple motherfucker cancelled that afternoon. Stupid asshole.

What is a good memory you have involving 2?

-- Listening to "You Make Loving Fun" on 14C-FUN on the radio when I was about 8, in my sister's car with her and her friends, at night time, on the way to the high school to watch a Basketball game.

Is there a song of 8 that makes you sad?-- "Wasted Time" - Eagles

What is your favorite album of 5?

-- Hourglass

What is your favorite lyric that 3 has sung?

-- I dunno, I can't isolate it, choose any lyric from "The Unforgettable Fire", "Running to Stand Still" or "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking for" - however, tonight it's Running to Stand Still.

What is your favorite song of 1?

hmmmm.... changes weekly... hmmmmmm.........tonight it's "Amelia" or "Let the Wind Carry Me".... hmmmmmm

What is your favorite song of 10?
-- "Touched By The Sun"

How many times have you seen 8 live?
-- I couldn't afford it when Hell Froze Over.

What is your favorite album of 1?-- Changes all the time.... tonight it's For the Roses and Blue

What is a great memory you have considering 9?

-- Hearing "When Doves Cry" the first time. I am not lying, it was one of those moments that you never forget. It came on the radio and I seriously felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and thinking "what IS this?" I will truly never forget it. It was one of those moments where you realize the importance of music and the way it affects your life.In keeping with the song, I also have a great memory of wanting the tape so bad but not having money and then one pay day my sister took me downtown and first we went to Venice House for lunch where she bought me lasagna, and then she said she'd buy me Prince so I grabbed the 45 and she was all "don't you want the tape?" I was so excited.

What was the first song you heard by 8?

-- Something off of the Greatest Hits 1971-1975 8-Track my PARENTS had. Probably "Take it Easy".

What is your favorite cover by 2?

-- I can only think of one cover that they did, which would be from 1972, so I have to say "For Your Love".

Friday, March 09, 2007

Coinkydinks and more coinkydinks

Well, I am sitting on the couch, watching that show on TLC where they make people buy new clothes, you know which one I mean, with the sound pretty much off. I hate this show, but darling wife is asleep with the remote in her hand, so sucks to be me. I am trying to be very quiet, as we have a baby who went to bed too early tonight and I don't want her to wake up now at 10:30 thinking naptime is over. So, I am having a glass of red wine (might as well finally empty the box in the garage since I don't know how long that shit actually keeps) and have nothing of value to say. We are going to Saskatoon tomorrow for the night. Well, first, Kelly has her swimming lesson and Kristen and I have our parent/child swimming thang, and then we are going to Saskatoon. The kids need pants, we need a Costco trip, and so we decided to just stay the night since the kids have this thing for hotels. They are so excited, it's like we are going to Disneyland. So they'll get to swim and get room service and they want to go to the bookstore, so it will be fun. Spending money we don't have, mind you, but it's both of our birthdays this month, so whatever.
I am sitting here with a smelly bag of garbage right behind me in the kitchen. I smells so bad, and I should really take it out, but my pants are off and it's most likely started to freeze outside and thus my step will be icy, and yada yada, so it's just going to sit here until bedtime, and then it's going in the garage. I'm sure you really care.
Did I ever tell you the weird thing about Margo's house? Well, as you know, Margo lives in Calgary, and when she finally bit the bullet to buy a house, she found a duplex. Now, since both my uncle and my aunt each had duplexes in Calgary when I was a kid, I kept thinking of their places when she talked about her house. We even laughed that I couldn't quite figure out what her house looked like when she described it or sent pictures because I said I kept thinking about my aunt's old duplex. So flash forward a year or two. Somehow Margo and I were talking again about her house and how I couldn't figure out what in the hell she was doing to it since I didn't understand what it really looked like, and I said "sorry, I always just think of my aunt's place on 'such-and-such Street' and she paused. Then she said 'my place is right off of 'such-and-such Street - what does her old place look like?" and so I said it was a blue duplex and it faced north or whatever and had windows in these spots and yada yada and she was all "OMG, it's right across the street from my house." So took a picture, and damned if it wasn't my aunt's old house. Of all the duplexes in Cowtown, she buys the one that is across the street from my aunt. Freaky. Or at least I thought so. It sort of weirds me out, really. This was the same aunt Margo met one time. We gave Margs a ride to Edmonton to see her family when we were going to St. Albert for Thanksgiving, where my aunt was living, and she had to wait at my aunts until her brother picked her up. This is the aunt who reminds me of Sylvia Browne. She lives in Surrey now (my aunt, not Sylvia), but she lived in that duplex for probably 15 years, back when she was a single mom, and even after she remarried. She then sold the duplex in about 1982 or so, when her husband, who was a fancy-dancy car salesman, was doing really well, so they bought a house in the south end of Cowtown, right by that South mall there - the one with the wave pool. This was back when that was the southern limits of Calgary. Seriously, it was like fields beyond the ball. Anyway, they bought this house in Maple-something or other, and spent 40 grand, which was a lot in those days, remodelling the basement with their grande bar, stereo, built in soda fountain, regulation pool table, the 8ooo dollar pool table light, etc. They had a Jag in the late 70's, and they still had it then, with this little tv you hooked up to the lighter. Anyway, right after all of this, some sort of crash hit Cowtown, and real estate went in the shitter and nobody could afford luxury cars, which is what he sold, so they went belly up. And all anyone could say was "Sylvia should have kept that duplex, she had it all paid off".
Don't worry, Sylvia did ok for a while after that - they ended up in St. Albert which was suspiciously like Knot's Landing back then, before St. Albert got all popular, and her hubby was successful at City Ford, but then someone that all went to shit and they ended up back on their feet in Cowtown, but then they didn't like the size of Cowtown anymore or the cold or snow or something weird and ended up in Surrey, which to me is the armpit of B.C., but whatever blows smoke up your knickers, I guess.
Anyway, this long, drawn out story is just to say it's one hell of a coinky-dink that Margo lives across from Sylvia's old duplex, where I would either sleep in the bedroom facing her house, or the livingroom.
Anyway. What other coinkydinks can I think of? Let's see...
Well, one is back when I was in my old job and became friends with "Sharon". We're like brother and sister, and we acknowledge that. In fact, her brother and sister call me their brother from another mother. But anyway, we have a bond in 80s music, and she was saying she loved the song "Melody", a little known Canadian song from about 84 or so by Boy's Brigade (we think), and she was singing it one day, because it sounds sort of funny, and I was all "OMG, I forgot about that one." So then, she came over one afternoon to see one of our babies, and we had MuchMoreMusic on and what comes on? "Melody." Freaked the ever-loving shit out of us. We couldn't even talk about it because it was so weird.
What else.... what else..... Well, the woman who bought our old house, in our conversations during the wheelin' dealin', says that she lived in this small town of 700 that my parents lived in during the 60s, and it turns out her dad was someone my parents know very well.
I now work with a woman who is from my mother's hometown and one of her best friends was my deceased aunt's best friend, the aunt who died in 1966 and who my mother will never talk about (her bizarre nature, God love her - anything painful or unpleasant, never speak about, or acknowledge you HAD A SISTER OR PARENTS WHO ARE DEAD - oops, bitterness is showing, I better try to squeeze another glass outta the box). Anyway, next time I am in Saskatoon for the day for work, we are going to try to get together with this woman. Cool.
Anyway, I can't think of any more and I am not saying anything of any interest, so I am going to go and google people from grade school.
Have a good weekend people,

Monday, March 05, 2007

The Metro

LOLLLLL Berlin was my favorite band in grade 8 - LOL, check out the dancing in this. It looks like a Saturday Night Live skit.... VIVA LA 80S!

I came into your life by choice - the wheel goes round...

Ok, to continue the last post, there's this video documenting the disintegration of Rosanne's marriage to Rodney Crowell, "On the Surface", from Interiors. It's so painful to see them both standing at the mic in this song.
Then check out "The Wheel", from a few years later, about her new husband John Leventhal. It's so beautiful and one of my favorites. Not sure who all these folks are performing with her, but it's awesome and she's positively radiant.
I'm gonna make you love her. Or not. But it's your loss.

AN Open Plea to Rosanne Cash

So now I am watching "What We Really Want" by Rosanne Cash, one of my favorite songs. Don't know why it is, but since the first time I heard it, 15 years ago, it's spoken to me like I too have "thrown the best parts of life away on street talk, strangers, and drugs." It's from her classic album Interiors, which every person should own, if they are emotionally strong enough. Anyway, I really am partial to the studio version and the production of that one, but check out this live version if you wish:
It kicks ass. She's a rare breed of performer - an excellent, intelligent writer, competent player, awesome singer, and beautiful, so why she isn't absolutely huge, I don't know. Oh yes, I do, America doesn't like real music, real women, real beauty, real intelligence in women - just Paris Hilton and blad Britneys. It's up to our daughters to shake the world up, peoples....
Anyway, I am sending out a plea to Rosanne Cash to get her ass to Saskatchewan for a show. For the love of God, just do it!
Ok, I really need to stop the youtubing.

Help me remember the nights, with you

Ok, so now I am watching "Remember the Nights" by the Motels. Anyone else remember this song? I didn't think so.
I bought this album in Regina at the Victoria Square Mall in 1983 or 84, which was pretty much out on the highway, and now is ensconsed in this huge big-box neighborhood. But I digress. I love this song. And I love the Motels.....
I think memory lane will keep me from bed yet again.... sweet sorrow....

running up that hill

I am so tired and quite frankly, feel like a bag of shit, and so I really am going to bed right away. Thus, I have nothing funny or amusing to say. Of course, I am sitting here watching old videos on youtube. Right now, I keep replaying Kate Bush's "Running up that Hill". I forgot how much I loved Kate as a young man. This song still rocks, and it's still one of my favorite videos. It stood the 20 year test of time.
Anyway, I am just checking in, and will post this week, I promise. It just really feels like Monday.