Kicking the Hobbit Chapter Two

Chapter Two Hobbit Review All Y'allz

Well, in today's exciting episode of Kicking the Hobbit, it was such a whirlwind of action I hardly know where to start!  I guess the important episodes that occurred are as follows:  First, those little dwarves left a big-ass mess in Baggins' hole, and the poor fucker had to clean like motherfucking Alice to get it spic and span again.  He was so damned tired he almost fell asleep before eating second breakfast (I couldn't make this shit up), but then that Gandolf thing waltzed in and told him the little folks left him a note in the dust on his mantle and he had to meet them in 10 minutes.  Well, we all know what 10 minutes gives someone.  Usually, I'd have to brush my teeth and check my hair and try and poop, but the poor hobbit couldn't do any of that, so he forgot his hanky and his money and pipe and his food.  He meets the little rhyming named dudes and they ride ponies and have no food and it rains and they camp out under a tree, I think.  But Baggins goes ahead to check out something that night, but I am not sure why.  It turns out hobbits are really quiet and sneaky so he finds this group of.... hmmm... trolls I think?  They were eating meat with their hands and were all grunty and mean and the little dude gets caught by them and they misunderstand what he says he is, and they call him something weird... I want to say turdburglar, but it's more like something with hobbit in it.  Then all the little dwarves end up there and get trapped, and the trolls or whatever are going to boil them but long story short, that Gandalf thing pops out of nowhere like a motherfucking genie, and confuses them by some voice trickery, and then, get this:  the sun rises and the trolls turn to stone.  I think.  Anyway, it turns out that trolls turn to stone in daylight.  Yes, really.  I have to say, upon reading this, I was like "bitch, please" because that just seems so lazy to concoct.  It is just like every damned story I wrote in grades one to three.  I would never know how to end them, so it was always, "We didn't know what else to do so we went to sleep.  In the morning, it turns out the whole thing was a dream."  Yes, I am sure Dallas stole that narrative device from me.  Or in another story I once wrote, which the assignment called for us to write a story called "the Genie in the Thermos Cup", I blathered on about the genie and I travelling around to the Thousand Islands, and then I couldn't think of what else to say so then I ended it with "One day my genie got sick and died."  Boom! That's the end of that nonsense!  Well, this is just what it felt like when these things turned to stone.  Anyway, I think that was about all that happened.  I still have no idea why people throw their panties on Tolkien's stage, but maybe it'll come around.  Not bloody likely, but who the hell knows... I wish my dead genie was still alive to just tell me what happens in this damned book.