Saturday, November 28, 2009

death and birth and death and birth and death and birth

Has it really been over a month since I've been here? Sorry about that. Life gets in the way. Anyway, I should be in bed, but I need to wind down after the day. Today was one of those hard days you never forget. Today we had the funeral for my beloved Aunt, my Mom's sister, the last remaining member of my mom's immediate family. She passed away somewhat suddenly - somewhat, in that we've had about 3 weeks to prepare for it, but it was a horrible shock. Ever since mom died, we kept telling her "you're it, you're the stand-in for her" and she kept saying "I won't be here forever, you all have to realize that." She said it to us and to her own kids all the time this past year. Since she always bounced back from everything, I sort of did believe she'd be here a lot longer. But I guess God had other plans. So, of course, I am devastated. You know, I was thinking "gee, maybe THIS year my life will feel somewhat more normal, and maybe I won't be swallowed in grief as much" and now this happens. And it's just more than the loss of the person - it's the loss of a link to so much. So much. I don't have the energy to go into the back story of a lot of this, but the loss of my aunt means the loss of any link to my mom and her past, and my grandparents, etc. Any questions I have about any of that will not be answered now. So that freaks me out. And then there are all the people I've known all my life, but really just through her, and the town she lived in, which I used to visit all the time. I was looking at people today and thinking "I'll probably never see you again, and I'll never see you again and I'll never be in here again" and all that shit that just drives you mental. Like in the church hall - I am sitting there and go "this is where my cousins got married 35 years ago, and where my aunt and uncle had their 25th 30 years ago, and where so and so's funeral was" and then thought "I now have no reason to ever come here again. I'll never be in this church again, and never see most of these people again, and never hear about any of these people again" and it just wigged the everloving fuck out of me. And the thing is, my aunt had a great life. The funeral was probably the best I ever attended. I wrote the eulogy and it was all about how she was sort of the focal point of everything and how she made her friends her family and how we all knew everything about her friends because she talked about them and brought them into our lives. So then the minister gets up there after with her thing and talks about the same thing. And my aunt, ever prepared, had written a thing to be read, and it said she had such a great life and no regrets and don't mourn too long and yada yada, and THAT was comforting, but at the same time, I'm mourning the finality of so many other chapters closing. Oh, there's so much I want to say about it all but I won't bore you - but man, that was one powerful funeral.
So I am breaking my diet tonight. I emailed my cousins the other night and said I had all these random memories of their parents and mentioned them, and I mentioned Scotch and said I never tasted it, but I always think of their folks because they loved scotch. So we went back to someone's house after and we all received gifts of my aunts stuff, and they also gave me a bottle of scotch. They said it's hideous. I only have juice to mix it with, and with juice, it is indeed hideous. But I am toasting one to my beloved aunt, who loved happy hour and in the past year loved to toast my mom. So I am toasting you, my dear.
I'm just so sad. I'll be ok. But I'm just mourning stuff we can't change.
Oh, and Kate, if you are reading this, we drove through your town this morning on the way - my aunt lived in..... let's call it... Aboriginal Noggin (think about it and you'll get it) and so I passed through town.
Anyway, I wish you all could have known her - you'd have loved her to pieces. She was one of those one in a million people.
I did, however, get to reconnect with a great aunt and 2 of my mom's cousins. I haven't seen them in 20 plus years. So that's good. And the one funny thing was, I was thinking, when talking to my aunt's sister in law, "I'll never see you again" because she's 85 and lives in the coast, and I literally haven't seen her for probably 20 plus years, and I had to tell her who I was. And you know, it's not like we are close. But, still, it's an odd thought.
One of you brainiacs - just invent a time machine and take me back.
Oh, but there was one person there who was just crazy and my aunt didn't have much love for this person, so I wanted to mention it, but thought it wouldn't be appropriate - but man oh man, I wish my aunt was still here to discuss THAT with.
Ok, I feel so much better that I got that out. I'll try to be a better blogger. I know the 2 of you readers are still out there somewhere.