Wednesday, January 31, 2007

One of them there Meme things about music that took months to finish

Name your top 10 most played bands from your music library:

Ok, this will be interesting:
1.) Joni Mitchell
2.) Fleetwood Mac
3.) U2
4.) Stevie Nicks
5.) James Taylor
6.) Rosanne Cash
7.) The Cure
8.) The Eagles
9.) Prince
10.) Carly Simon

What was the first song you ever heard by 6?
It would have been "Seven Year Ache" of course, back in 81 or so, and as an 11 year old I bought the tape even though it was country. I didn't become a fanatic though until I heard "All we Need" back in 90 and "Rules of Travel" in 2003.

What is your favorite album of 2?
Well, it would have to be Rumours for nostalgia followed by Mirage, although Tusk is fast becoming a favorite and the one I listen to most.

What is your favorite lyric that 5 has sung?
"Well the sun is slowly sinking down/and the moon is slowly rising/and this old world must still be spinning around/ and I still love you..." from "You can Close Your Eyes" which is Kristen's song when she was born.

How many times have you seen 4 live?
-- Once, with Fleetwood Mac, without Lindsey, back in... I don't know, 1991? I cried like a pansy.

What is your favourite song by 7?

"All I Want" followed by "Just Like Heaven" and "A Night Like This"

What is a good memory you have involving the music of 10?

-- Sitting in the bathtub when I was 4, while my sister and her friend Jane played "You're So Vain" over and over again.
-- Laying in bed, after midnight, during a warm summer night, with nothing on and that awesome summer breeze smell coming in my bedroom window, listening to "Gimme All Night" with headphones when I was about 17 or 18. Yes, that was better than the first one.

Is there a song of 3 that makes you sad?
-- Well, "One" isn't a tea party, that's for sure.

What is your favorite lyric that 2 has sung?
I'm giving you 4. If you don't like it, kiss my arse.

-- "I've been afraid of changing/because I've built my life around you/but time makes you bolder/children get older/and I'm getting older too." Landslide
-- "Time cast a spell on you, but you won't forget me....I'll follow you down til the sound of my voice will haunt you...." Silver Springs.
-- "And the Songbirds are singing like they know the score/And I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before". Songbird.
-- "I turned around/and the water was closing all around/like a glove/like the love/that had finally, finally found me/ - Crystal

How did you get into 3?
-- Video for "New Years Day". I loved the song and the video when I was like 14.

What was the first song you heard by 1?
-- Would have been "The Circle Game" which we sang in Grade 4 for a concert. We played ukeleles with it. Now that I have kids, I can't listen to the song without bawling.

What is your favorite song by 4?
-- I will only list Stevie solo and not her FM stuff so.... has to be "Stand Back" or "Some Become Strangers"

How many times have you seen 9 live?
-- I actually had tickets in 2003, and we had 4th row! Forth row, in a small theater. The stupid purple motherfucker cancelled that afternoon. Stupid asshole.

What is a good memory you have involving 2?
-- Listening to "You Make Loving Fun" on 14C-FUN on the radio when I was about 8, in my sister's car with her and her friends, at night time, on the way to the high school to watch a Basketball game.

Is there a song of 8 that makes you sad?
-- "Wasted Time" - Eagles

What is your favorite album of 5?
-- Hourglass

What is your favorite lyric that 3 has sung?
-- I dunno, I can't isolate it, choose any lyric from "The Unforgettable Fire", "Running to Stand Still" or "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking for" - however, tonight it's Running to Stand Still.

What is your favorite song of 1?
hmmmm.... changes weekly... hmmmmmm.........
tonight it's "Amelia" or "Let the Wind Carry Me".... hmmmmmm

What is your favorite song of 10?
-- "Touched By The Sun"

How many times have you seen 8 live?
-- I couldn't afford it when Hell Froze Over.

What is your favorite album of 1?
-- Changes all the time.... tonight it's For the Roses and Blue

What is a great memory you have considering 9?
-- Hearing "When Doves Cry" the first time. I am not lying, it was one of those moments that you never forget. It came on the radio and I seriously felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and thinking "what IS this?" I will truly never forget it. It was one of those moments where you realize the importance of music and the way it affects your life.
In keeping with the song, I also have a great memory of wanting the tape so bad but not having money and then one pay day my sister took me downtown and first we went to Venice House for lunch where she bought me lasagna, and then she said she'd buy me Prince so I grabbed the 45 and she was all "don't you want the tape?" I was so excited.

What was the first song you heard by 8?
-- Something off of the Greatest Hits 1971-1975 8-Track my PARENTS had. Probably "Take it Easy".

What is your favorite cover by 2?
-- I can only think of one cover that they did, which would be from 1972, so I have to say "For Your Love".

Earth to Michael Buble - you're on a one way track back to Bubbleville, Mikey

So tell me my peeps. What in the HELL is up Michael Buble's ass? It sure isn't his brain, because he obviously flushed that thing down the toilet a while back. If you don't know what I am talking about, google what he said about boycotting the grammies, because HIS category is done the day before and because he "won't win anyway". Then he got all pissy and said that of course it will go to Tony Bennett or one of them there old buggers, and then he got all shitty and said he played on that album that was going to win. Oh, he was just horrible. Well I got news for you, Michael baby - you are another year or two to becoming little Mikey Bubble again like you probably used to be before you lucked out with a hit and got clouded with delusions of grandeur like you were Harry Connick Jr. or something. Earth to Bubble Boy - you ain't Harry, and with an attitude like that, you'll be lucky to get a gig on a cruise ship full of norovirus. Just enjoy the fucking ride, my friend, and be gracious. Oh, these young little pissheads never learn. Hells bells, give me some talent and a little bit of luck like him, and I'd gladly attend all the awards ceremonies, and if the mayor of Butcher Holler wanted to give me the keys to the 'Holler in a ceremony, I'd be there dishing up the possum at the 4th of July celebrations. Oh I don't know, he's crazy.
The only other thing I need to comment on is those poor sextuplets in Vancouver - I guess 2 died and the province got an injunction so two of them could have blood transfusions - the parents are Jehovah's. I am so fucking mad at those parents. They aren't ordering you to have abortions or something - it's a procedure to save their lives. And yeah, you can say all the faith stuff you want, but isn't this whole blood thing based on some obscure Biblical reference that is indeed open to interpretation? Suck it up and enjoy your children. I know, I know, I have no room to talk because at least they are secure in their faith, but at the same time I believe their "faith" is a cult, pure and simple. If I have any closet Jehovah readers, sorry, but to me it's a cult. And whatever, follow your bliss, but don't kill your kids in the process.
I am off the soap box now.
This is the peppiest I've been today. Do you know the phrase "Awash with sadness?" Well, that's sort of what I felt all day, and I don't know why. Just down and bummed out and tired and all of that. This lingering cold that hasn't exactly become full-blown but just waiting in the wings hasn't helped, and since Kristen has it too, and baby is cutting TWO molars and her gums are the size of jawbreakers, it wasn't the best night last night, and tonight doesn't look much better. I dunno what my problem was, but boy, I felt blah. I have to go to Saskatoon tomorrow afternoon and overnight for a work thing, and it's blowing so bad i am freaked out about the roads, so that's even more stressful. But whatever, I'll deal.
And I feel ok now, so the pity party is over. But I hate those days when you just feel so blah. And man, nobody could say a thing to me because I was so defensive.... thank the Lord it's passed, I think.
You want to know this really stupid thing I noticed I've been doing? I haven't been finishing books. It's like they are good and don't want them to end so I just sort of pick something up right before it's finished. I did that with the Anne Sexton biography, and with the Dakota book, and the U2 book is almost done but I haven't picked it up for a couple weeks. I'm a freak, I know. I also bought this really cool Marie Antoinette biography that I started on the weekend, and only read a few pages, but it looks awesome. Apparently they did a movie too. I have to admit something though - I really have no idea who she is. I just heard something on cbc radio one day (I think it might have been a review of this book actually) and it sounded so fascinating, so maybe I'll learn something. I have no idea about European history, but hopefully I'll figure it all out. You see, I have no idea about rulers or wars or territories or revolutions or any of that, but tell me about where they went to the bathroom, how they brushed their teeth, how they cured things like ear infections, and how awful they smelled, and I'm hooked. Sadly, it's hard to find too many books on what I like - who the fuck cares who Peter the Great is, but did his family fling their nightly pee out the window into the road?
Anyway, I really have nothing to say so I think I'll get ready for bed.
Oh and to answer Chunks' question about if I had a picture of the ugly shirt, well, I don't think so, but it looked like something Theo Huxtable would wear. You get the picture.
Oh and did I mention I am dieting again, and started exercising again, except this tired/cold feeling put the kybosh on it the past couple days. Anyway, stay tuned for food drama, because I want nothing more than to right now march into the pantry and eat the whole 1 kg bag of chocolate chips that I know is in there. Sigh...
Anyway, since I'll be gone, I'll babble to y'all on the weekend.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Jennifer Hudson, you AIN'T goin.....

One more quick post tonight - am I the only one who is delighting in the fact that Jennifer Hudson won the Golden Globe and is nominated for an Oscar, whilst Beyonce is nominated for diddly-squat? Am I mean spirited? I think Jennifer should be singing "To the left, to the left, your whiny Destiny's Child albums are in a box to the left......"
hmmmm, if nobody knows the Beyonce song, then y'all won't get this... ah well, fuck it, as the vulgar British would say.

What does 100 dollars by ya? Dish racks or shirts, take your pick

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, it's been a while. Sue me. I shouldn't even be here tonight because if you are looking for anything cohesive and funny, well, you've come to the wrong place baby. I am just pooped out and can't really think of anything to focus on, so basically, this will be a point form list of anything new I can think of.

-- Anyway, life's just been busy. Mrs. JT is still on the picket line, which zaps all of her energy. However, I have a feeling she'll be back at work by the middle of the week. We'll see if I am right or not.

-- Margo emailed me today and told me she was selling all of this stuff of hers on this used stuff website. So, I went and looked at her wares, and she is apparently selling a dish rack for 80 dollars. EIGHTY DOLLARS. I am not making this up. So if that is what she is selling it used, God only knows what it was new. Now, call me cheap, but isn't a dish rack just a dish rack? So, I must admit that I had some good old fashioned ribbing set for her, sort of like my sister who always says "oh, it must be nice to..." blah blah blah (and to which I always think in my head "oh, it must be nice to spend your money on cigarettes instead of buying what you want", but that's a whole other story). However, I got to thinking that I cannot talk, because, you know, there are just odd things we all spend money on that make others shake their heads. I'll share some of these with you, and so you too can think "motherfucker is crazy" about me, just as I did with darling Margo today.
The first thing that came to mind was this god-awful fucking shirt I bought one Boxing Day. It wasn't even nice. This was back about 10 years ago, when I was a starving student and really could have used the money for other things, but no - I'm not that simple. So, anyway, I was in Dockside, and they had this "Sale" on these shirts. I think they were Nautica or something, and they were sort of, I don't know, fleece-like, and were yellow, blue, and red - a panel of each color in a vertical stripe, with a blue color, and Nautica or whatever written bolding on the back. I don't know why I thought I had to have it, but on the shelf it was all cool. It was originally priced at something like 140 smackeroos for some reason, and was marked down to 80-something I think, and with tax it was basically 100 dollars. And I bought it. And wore it like 4 times. They sure as hell didn't scrimp on the fleece thickness, and I would sweat like a motherfucker in it. After a few hours of wearing it, I resembled someone who was training for a tri-athalon and decided it would be a lark to wear street clothes whilst working out, after finishing a healthy dose of curry. Of course, you didn't have to worry about your deodorant failing you, because the fleece was so thick, it felt like I was sewn into that hairshirt more snugly than a pair of shorts on Richard Simmons.
I finally parted with the thing last year - I kept saying "I have to keep it, it cost 100 dollars" and my rational wife would reply "it's not in style now, and it wasn't back then, so......"
Conversely, a wiser purchase for me was my "Billboard Hot 100 Charts of the 80s" book, which is what it says it is - it shows every Billboard weekly Hot 1oo chart for the entire decade exactly as it appeared. And that's it. I have always been obsessed with the charts of the 70s and 80s, which is something I don't admit to, because it's one of my quirks that makes me sound weird, but damn baby, I can still, 20 some years later, recite you peak chart positions for many songs, tell you many big movers, tell you songs that took a long time to catch on, and answer loads of chart trivia. This book was out of print for a long time, and whenever it was on ebay would be jacked up way high. But, lucky me, they reprinted it, and it came out again last winter. I think all told the book was 100 dollars, including tax and shipping. Crazy?? Well, I have it right beside me at the moment. It makes for great toilet reading, and bedtime reading, and I love it. I read it all the time, and it was well worth the money. So, it may seem crazy to you, but it was worth every cent, and way smarter than that damn fleece heatbox with all the yellow.....
I've also spent money on cds in the past that would freak people out. I've dished out chunks of money for boxed sets, like Elton John, Rod Stewart, Carly Simon, the Motown Compilations, Fleetwood Mac, Led Zep, Stevie Nicks, Clapton, etc. I also remember everyone gasping about 20 years ago, when I was in the states and paid 30 dollars USD for Fleetwood Mac Live (which wasn't in Canada then). I loved that album because it contained Fireflies, which I love (download it, you'll love it too, really, just do it), and so it was worth it.
I have also spent 300 dollars on teeth whitening from my dentist, as a present to myself for quitting smoking. It was well worth it, although I need to start again as they are yellowing again from all the coffee and tea I drink. Frivolous money? Yes. But well worth it. And think of the waste of money smoking was. "Hey, let's give the government and big tobacco 12 dollars each day or two so I can contribute to my own death from an illness that will probably be completely hellish and will put my loved ones in caregiver situations and leave them alone and traumatize them!" AWESOME! Money well spent indeed.

Anyway, there are a couple more I am thinking of, but I really have to get to bed. I'll give you them later.

Remind me to fill you all in on the funny Liquidation World purchases we made - including the Pepsodent from Chile!

Talk soon,

Friday, January 19, 2007

Time cast a spell on you, my good peoples

Just watching Fleetwood Mac videos again on youtube and of course I had to watch "Silver Springs" from The Dance again, and motherfucker, if that ending, where Stevie starts belting it out and screaming "never get away" at Lindsey doesn't electrify you and raise the hairs on the back of your neck, well, I feel sorry for you.
TGIF my good peoples - it's been a long week from hell, hasn't it?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Edge of 37

Ok, I didn't go to bed like I said but I am instead watching old tv performances by Stevie Nicks on youtube. I realized I am going to be 37 in two months, and I supposed I need to come to terms with the fact that I will never meet Stevie Nicks in my life. It's painful to think that since she's been such an integral part of me since I was 8 years old. But nevertheless, it's true - I ain't gonna be meeting her. It's ok, you can tell me that I won't be meeting her. I'll be ok with it. Really, I will. As long as I never think about it.

It is what it is.... and it is BRILLIANT!

I have so much to say and just no motivation to say it right now. It's been quiet on the old JT front simply because I think I have a case of the January sleepies - you know, the syndrome that hits you during the longest month of the year where all you want to do is sleep? So, I still have to write about the blizzard and the cold snap, and my anger at three institutions: McLean's Magazine, the CBC National News, and the Weather Network. However, those are each different posts, so they will most likely have to wait until the weekend. I am just dropping a short hey before I head to bed. The rest of my family appears sleeping, and I think I'll join them soon.
I watched American Idol last night and tonight. Let me just say that my main displeasure with the show was seeing Jewel of all people as a guest judge for the first episode. Jewel? WTF? And you know what? She's a bitch. I mean, it's not like we never knew that before, but still, she's a bigger bitch than Charles Nelson Riley. So first up was this poor girl who is a make-up artist at the Mall of America, and you just know that the poor thing is going to be a train wreck. And she was such sweet girl, too. But anyway, Jewel is her favorite singer, for some fucked up reason obviously - too much Max Factor has gone to her brain and rendered her hearing dyslexic or something - and whammo, Jewel is a judge. So she goes in there and sings that stupid fucking Jewel song, you know, the one where she's rambling on and on about making the eggs and the pancakes and the frigging maple syrup - that one. So, she sucks, and they tell her, and the poor thing cries like a baby, and the fitting thing would be for Jewel to get off her fat ass and go give the poor girl a hug. You know, spend 30 seconds of your life on this girl who probably has spent good make up money on Jewel's cds and that hideous book of "poetry". Sadly, bitchface can't get off her criticizing ass to give the poor girl a hug and tell her to keep dreaming, and to thank her for being such a fan that she is singing her songs. No, that Alaskan myth-maker just sits there. Oh, I was so mad. I mean, she ain't no Xtina or whoever the kids like nowadays. She's probably one step away from living in her fucking van again, and she's probably going to have to sell this new album out of the back of said truck, because honey, ain't nobody gives a shit anymore. So you would think she'd like to keep the fan happy. Well, you thought wrong. Stupid bloody wanker.
Oh, and then, there are like 2 or 3 really good contestants, and everyone is all "yeah, that's good dawg" and whatever, and Jewel would say "you were pitchy in the middle" or "I didn't like the change in register" or whatever. Again, WTF? Since when is Jewel Maria Callas? Good lord, my frigging cat can make that "hoooh hoooooh" whining sound she does in that song about the breakfast, you know, when it's the chorus. News for you Jewel - you sound like my cat when the door to the cat box is shut. So here she is dispensing advice when really, she should just sit down, shut up, and concur with everyone else. Good Lord, Paula could sing better than her, and isn't Paula's voice all machine amplified and such? So that pissed me off. And I don't know, do we even buy all that crap about living in her van?
I have to admit a secret shame. It's very shameful. If you would go into my basement and search in the cd cabinet thingy, you would find..... a Jewel CD. In my defense, it probably hasn't been listened to. It was obtained, see, after watching a particularly moving episode of Party of Five, when... oh, I don't remember their names..... the guy who never shaves and the girl who was either a psychologist or a manic-depressive, I don't remember, had a premie baby, and they played "Hands" and I was all into that episode, so when like that week I received from Columbia House "Spirit" by Jewel, because I unfortunately didn't send the reply card back saying I didn't want the selection of the month, well, I kept it. As my infatuation for Party of Five was short lived, the cd has sat there, for a good 7 years or so. But I needed to be upfront with y'all in case you were ever here and saw it and the jig was up.
So that is my venting for the evening.
Oh, and my sweet 5 year old has a loose tooth. How does that happen so fast that she's getting that big? I got sort of choked up. I think I am overtired.
OH, and one more thing. CARLY was on Oprah yesterday, WITH BEN AND SALLY! Do you people know how much I love Carly Simon???? I LOVE HER. And her son Ben sounds so much like his daddy it freaks me out. I had a bunch of his stuff downloaded before. He is so good. And damn, he was funny on the show. And I've never actually heard Sally sing, but she's striking. But here's the kicker. Do you remember me saying here over and over that each of our kids' has at least one song and it's what we would sing to them when they were little and it would mean something? Well, Kristen's middle name is Taylor, after James Taylor, and her song was "You Can Close Your Eyes", a gem of a song. Well, I admit I am partial to the live duet of Joni and James singing it in the early 70s in London that is kicking around on the internet, but the album version is awesome, and what does Carly and her kids sing???? THAT SONG. So I was happy as a pig in the proverbial shit.
Anyway, Carly and her kids are the shit. When I was young, I used to fantasize about hanging out with James and Carly on the Vineyard. I was really a strange kid, wasn't I?
Anyway, I guess I better run now. I'll save my other posts for the weekend. Of course, we are going out on Friday night to our neighbors, but Saturday I should be here with bells on.
P.S. You have to go to youtube and watch Paula Abdul drunk or high on this Seattle morning show. It's the funniest damn thing - my favorite nonsensical line of hers is "it is what it is... and it is brilliant!" Trust me, you have to watch it;.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Here's a Song, Instead of a Kiss

Ok, I don't want to admit that I actually really dig some of Corey Hart's stuff, but ok, I love "Eurasian Eyes". That one and a song called "Wait for Me" from Boy in the Box. There is something just so achingly romantic about those for me, and when I hear them, I get that sort of rapid heart romantic thing happening, you know what i mean? Sort of nostalgic. They remind me of warm winter chinooky nights. However, I must admit I can't remember what Wait for Me sounds like because it's been so long. But those songs I put in the same class as, say, Sade's "The Sweetest Taboo", which as I've mentioned ad nauseum here, is one fine sexy-ass song. It doesn't get any better than that one, with the drums that sound like an accelerated heart beat, and the rain sounds, and oh, that sexy "will you keep on lovin' me!?!" MMMMM mmmmmm, damn baby. Sade's "Your Love is King" is also one that I think is the cat's ass in terms of that warm romantic sexy feeling, but TST is the king. Another song I'd throw in that category and lump with the rest is "Slave to Love" by Bryan Ferry. Fuck me Dorothy, that's one nice song, isn't it? I remember it was included in the movie 9 1/2 Weeks, but I loved it before then. Ah, good times. Now I want to make a cd of all of those goodies.
Of course, Chris Issac's "Wicked Game" is probably the sexiest damn thing on wheels, too. Kim Mitchell's "All We Are" is lumped in with all of these songs that I love, but that one is depressing. But, somehow, it fits in there for me.
But back to duck lips Corey. I really love his song "Take My Heart" too. Damn Corey, what happened? We should still be listening to you and Luba, and 54-40 should have been huge and not ended up a glorified bar band.
Do you Canadians remember all the Canadian Content crappola we were forced to listen to in the 80s on the radio? I say crappola, because it really was, but it was good crappola. I really like lots of it, but probably for sentimental reasons.
But do you all remember Alfie Zappacosta? He sang "We Should be Lovers", and 'You're just a Phase I'm Going Through" among others?
And what about Boys Brigade and "Melody" and Tokyo Rose? What about Paul Janz and all that schlocky bullshit, like "Believe in Me" and "Every Little Tear you Cry" and so on? Gotta love Cat's Can Fly's "Flippin' to the A Side", and One to One's "I've got an Angel in my pocket", "Hold Me Now" and whatever else it was they sang? Or the Partland Brother's "Soul City"? The Terri Crawford Band's remake of .38 Special's "One Time for Old Times"? Prototype's "Video Kids"? Marilu Zahalen's "Just One Turn of the Wheel"? Sherry Kean's "I Want You Back?" Lisa Dalbello's fucking creepy "I Wanna Close to You?" Men Without Hat's minor hits like "Where do the boy's go" and "I got the message"? Andrew Cash's "What am I gonna do with these hands"? Tim Fehan's "Where's the Fire? (a damn good song, please tell me you remember it), Grapes of Wrath's "Misunderstanding" and "Peace of Mind", Chalk Circle's "April Fool" and "This Mourning", Barney Bentall's "Crime Against Love" and Something to Live for, the Jitter's "The Last of the Red Hot Fools" and that slow song they sang, what was it.... The Bridge is Burning, wasn't that them? Or the Razorback's "So Much Fun", Candi's Dancing Under a Latin Moon", "Under your Spell", and "Love Makes No Promises", those ugly girls in Tu, those pretty girls in Lava Hay, "Turn Your Face Away" from the Waterwalk, "Call it Love" from Images in Vogue, all the Spoons classics like "Nova Heart", "Old Emotions", "Tell Know Lies", and "Romantic Traffic", Toronto's great ones like "Start Tellin' the Truth", "Your Daddy Don't Know", "Even the Score", "Girls Night Out", "Enough is Enough", "All I Need", "Ready to Make up", and I am sure there are more. Or how about the Headpin's classic "Don't it Make Ya Feel", "Celebration", "Breakin' Down", "Winnin", and "Turn it Loud!" We also must mention Helix's "Rock You", "Deep Cuts the Knife", "The Kids are all Shakin'"...... Good times.
I was never big on Jane Siberry as an album artist, but I loved her singles, like "Mimi on the Beach", "One More Color" and "Bound By the Beauty". Of course, probably one of the best radio singles EVER recorded in ANY country is Martha and the Muffin's "Echo Beach". It doesn't get any better than that one, and I love the off-shoot, M + M's "Black Stations/White Station" and "Cooling the Medium". There was drivel in those days, like New Seduction's "Love in Motion", but there was genius, like Dan Hill's "Love in the Shadows". My favorite Anne Murray songs were from the 80s, "That's Not the way it's S'posed to Be" and "Now and Forever". And how about Bruce Cockburn's 80's stuff like 'The Trouble with Normal", "Lovers in a Dangerous Time", and "Tokyo"?
Anyway, these are a few of the highlights of those years. I didn't even include Platinum Blonde or Blue Rodeo..... How many of those do you remember? Do you have anything to add? Take me back to your A.M. Radio days.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

All I want to know from you sexy beasts out there is what in the hell Corey Hart is singing in Sunglasses at Night. It's been 20 some years, and I still have no idea what comes after "She's got control of me/I turn to her and say....". It is at this point he starts singing gibberish.
And why is it that he has to make those duck lips and ennunciate everything so strangely? Not only in that song, but in all the other songs of his as well. I mean, his Rudolph the Red Nose "RAYEN-DEAHER" pronunciation says it all, doesn't it?
I wonder where he lives and what he does now.

Friday, January 05, 2007

A hodge podge of boring shite

You ever wonder what you are going to write about? I still am not sure what to write about tonight - I only know that I am in the mood to be writing. I was going to write a post a la Chunk's post last night about being an enigma. Then I checked her blog tonight and saw her stress about moving and wanted to finally get to beginning my depressing, traumatic moving story, but I don't know if I have enough energy to go into it right now, and since tonight was a shitty experience where I definitely would not win any parent of the year award, I feel spent. So I do not yet know what I will write about.
I don't think I am up to writing about the whole move experience tonight - it's really just self pity bullshit, but I think it would be theraputic to get it out, yet I just don't feel like it tonight. Also, the whole move has been on my mind, conjured up from Chunk's move, and I don't want her to think that I am not supportive of her move by going on and on, so I think I'll leave it for tonight.
As for the horrid parenting award that I would win today, I'll give a brief run-down. It's no secret that Kelly is painfully shy, but she does fine at ballet. However, tonight when we got there, she wanted me to carry her in, and she started crying, and then we got in and she was getting ready and she was crying saying she had a tummy ache and yada yada, we got mad at her because we thought she was just being nervous and shy for some reason, and we ended up leaving and giving her hell in the car, and thought she just wanted to go to grandma's like the other kids, which is why she pulled this stuff, and then I yelled we were picking up the other kids and she wasn't going into grandmas because she didn't go to dance and it was just stupid and she was screaming she would go to dance then, and it was awful. But she really did have gas, and finally had a poop, and didn't want to eat, so I felt like a shit. I apologized and got teary-eyed so much, the second last time I said I was sorry for being so grouchy, she said "you've told me 15 times already" and then when I was reading to them in bed, I said "last time kiddo, sorry for being a grouch" and she laughed and sighed and said "it's OK, DAD!" I feel like such a supreme shit tonight. It's just that I know what it's like to be painfully shy and feel out of place and I don't want her to feel that way.
Did I tell you we took the kids to Charlotte's Web last weekend, and my 3 year old cried? It was so sweet - I didn't think she'd even follow the story, and was more worried about Kelly, but when Charlotte was dying, I lost it, and was busy trying not to let the kid's see me weepy and making sure Kelly was ok, so I didn't even look at Kristen. Well, I guess she wiped her eyes a few times, and after Rachel asked her if she cried, and she said yes, when Charlotte died. Well, that made me blubber that my little lookalike is as soft-hearted as me. Anyway, we are now reading CW at bedtime every night. I still don't know if they get that meat comes from animals. I hope they don't clue in, because then there goes a whole food group out the window.
You know, I am so overtired this week, I don't have the energy to post the whole ying/yang enigma thing. I think I am just going to do another random factoids about me thing, with no rhyme or reason.Here goes:

-- Unlike Margo and Chunks, I own no real tools. Oh sure, we've got the basics, like hammers and screw drivers and pliers and some wrenches and shit, but I can't use any of them. I can't rightly screw in a screw, or hammer a nail, and you know, I don't frigging care that I can't. I used to have this big complex that I was incompetent in that area, but you know, I am starting to accept the fact. And it's ok. When, at Kelly's Bring your family to dance day, the teacher said "ok girls, does your dad have a tool belt" and my sister next to me started to laugh I came back with "no, but I have an apron".

-- For example, I've wanted a clothes line for years. For the 5 years I lived in my old house, and for the 3 I've been in this one. However, I don't know how to get one. Who do you call to buy a pole? Who will do it? It's beyond me.

-- That being said, I cook almost all of the meals in our house. I love cooking. Love it. I also have a weird laundry obsession.

-- As I have said before, I am a foot swoosher on the sheets, that helps me fall asleep. I also sleep with a pillow over my head. It's the only way I can sleep. I have an ancient feather pillow that my wife is terrified of because of the dust mites she believes are in there there, that I use over my head. It all started when I was a kid and was blocking out my parents fighting about something and it stuck. I also need to hug a pillow when I sleep. I also need compete darkness when I sleep, and can't sleep if I can hear tv or radio or people, but I like the sound of an air conditioner or fan in the room.

-- Even though my biggest fear is the dentist, where I have the worst panic attacks, and it is indeed the one place where I fear a reoccurance of panic, I nevertheless don't floss every day. In fact, if I am being honest, I can't think of the last time I flossed all my teeth. One of my resolutions is to floss every day again. Starting tomorrow.

-- I also can't bring myself to shave every day. I often must look like a hillbilly, but I hate the 2 minutes it takes.

-- I love the smell of my cat. She smells like my cat that I had as a kid, and you know me, it's all about the past. So, when she walks all over my neck, like she is doing right now, I always inadvertently sniff.

-- I don't get why so many guys think the thought of two women getting it on is so hot. Does sweet bugger all for me. I mean, there is two girls having a grand old time, and obviously they don't need you - soooo.... tell me again why this is so hot?

-- I have never, in my entire life, been on an airplane.

-- I secretly watch Match Game reruns almost every night.

-- Ever since having kids, I cry all the time. Everything makes me cry. Watching Kristen at ballet made me cry yesterday. I don't think I shed a tear before I had kids since I was a kid myself. Odd how kids have made me some nelly weepy-pants.

-- I own a Justin Timberlake cd as well as a Backstreet Boys cd. I also think Hole was pretty much the best band of the 90s, beating out Nirvana. Timberlake and Hole just don't seem to mix, but I'm an enigma too, baby.

-- In grade two I cried until my mom let me stay home from school because it was Participaction time, and I couldn't do the flexed arm hang and was scared everyone would laugh at me.

-- I have two rows of beets frozen in my garden that I was too lazy to harvest in the fall. I'm never going to hear the end of it.

-- I get woozy when I have to get blood taken, and each year for my check up blood tests, I request to lie down.

-- I always pretend I am awake when answering the phone that woke me from a deep sleep: "Huh? No, I'm awake! I've been shucking clams for hours now!" That's an example of something stupid I would say. I really should say "yeah, you woke me, go to hell fuckface, I was having that dream about Maude again"

-- I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking of Maude in an erotic way. Ain't no way I'd get her a salad of seduction.....

-- I am creeped out by women who wear ties. This includes you, Diane Keaton.

-- I used to think my excuse of "my filling fell out" was the ultimate reason to report to school when skipping out.

-- I eat my eggs sunny side up, not over easy like everyone else. It's how I roll, baby.

Anyway, I couldn't think of anything to say tonight. This was a boring, sucky-ass post. Sorry, I just didn't have the creative juices flowing. As my girl Stevie sang, sometimes it's a bitch, sometimes it's a breeze.....


Thursday, January 04, 2007

an open letter to the fast food service workers and other rantings by a guy who is long in the tooth

It's one of those nights. I am overtired from sitting up until 1 a.m. reading my U2 book, and from the busy time at work, and the kids are overtired and grouchy and I was an absolute grouch tonight. But instead of going to bed, I am sitting here about to complain and sound like some old curmundgeon. But suck it up, it's how I roll.
Anyway, I know there are starving children and war and global warming and bullshit extrordinaire occuring every second of the day, so it sounds horrible for the trite bullshit I am going to complain about, but well, as I said, that's how I roll, so suck it up, buttercup.
I am thinking I must make this another one of my infamous open letters. Hey, Margo, just like an infamous Swan hottub party, hey? I can't use the word infamous because it reminds me of this friend Margo and I had, this sort of weird girl who was sort of a shut in, really, but every once in a while she'd come out and play, as it were, and entertain us in her parent's house, this big rambling place. They had a round jacuzzi tub which to hillbillies like us in the 80's was a hot tub, so whenever we'd be there drunk, we'd inevitably end up with 5 of us in our underwear in the tub. When my wife met this shut in, she made a reference to the "infamous Swan hot tub parties!" and as I said, when I explained what that was, it was really just 5 drunk people sitting in a bathtub and it sounded so hillbilly. Oh man, I remember when we'd get out, we'd sit in towels until our underwear dried in the dryer, and I think Margo has a picture of me doing some sexy towel pose on the shut-in's bed. Am I imagining this Margo? I also remember one time getting home and realizing Marcus and I got our underwear mixed up and I was wearing his, and to even remember that makes me want to go and soak my knackers in a vat of Javex. Let's just think happy thoughts, ok? So anyway, when I use the word "infamous" it's in jest, my pretties....
So, as I said, this will be an open letter, this time to the fast food industry workers.
Dear Workers,
I understand you may be in highschool, or just out of highschool, or crazy or ugly or troubled or what have you, and you are taking this job in the industry as a stepping stone to whatever the fuck it is you are meant to do. And that's fine, kudos to you, buddy and buddy-ettes. Rock on. I realize there may be a labor shortage for these sort of jobs right now and you all have the service industry by the knackers. Again, rock on my friends. But I need to tell you about some really annoying things that I've noticed in the past two weeks. We have had fast food three times in two weeks. Yes, three times. However, it's Christmas season, and I have three kids 5 and under, and I am tired, and my wife is tired, and my kids can whine, so it's none of your fucking business if I am shoving my face with trans fat from Breakfast Barney to the sign-off prayer (obscure Joni Mitchell reference for you).
So let me tell you about the first experience. It was 2 weeks ago, at Arby's. It's about 7 p.m., and I pull up with my kids, ready to shove their faces with curly fries. Arby's is never terribly busy and indeed, we are the only ones in the drive thru. So, tell me, why is it that you people forced me to move up to the end of the drive thru, by the back door of the restaurant? Nobody ever came from behind me. Is it because there is a timer and you will get in trouble for having the customer wait a bit? Well honey, I will personally write to your manager a permission letter asking that I don't have to move up and park by the dumpster, until you run my food out the back door like some sort of illicit drug deal. So that got me riled.
Imagine my anger when I got home and was ready to feed my poor starving kids, only to discover that my chicken strip adventure meal was missing, and thus my 3 year old had no food. So, I had to get in the car, drive all the way back, and tell the older woman I never got the meal, yada yada. THEN, she's really nice and gives me a regular meal, the three piece meal with a giant sized fries. That's really nice, but it was originally the kid's Adventure Meal - for my THREE YEAR OLD. She can't eat a large fry or three chicken strips. I certainly don't need it - have you seen me naked lately? So, really, instead of an adult meal, I just want quality control. None of this would have happened if I could have checked my meal in the drive thru light, rather than receiving my food by the dumpster and the oil recycling bin.
So, on to the next culprit. The other night, my darling sweet wife was really jonesing for a Wendy's salad. Wendy's is quite far from my house, on the other end of town, and the roads were a little icy from the melting and freezing going on with this damned global warming, but I must admit, I was feeling quite randy and was hoping my efforts in picking up the craved salad would produce results later in the evening in the boudoir, so I went to your fine establishment. I pulled into the parking lot and saw I was the only car in the drive thru and indeed, the only car in the parking lot. This led me to comment to myself something like "stupid buggers should never have built up here" because the logical place to build would have been by Arby's, in my part of town, but no, the owners thought they would catch all of the people driving to the lake on the main road, which may be true in summer, but in winter, well, joke's on you. So, I place the order, and read the screen, and pay, but I drive away and instinctively press the brake to check the bags. Well, you got it Sunshine, my dipping sauces for my kid's meals were missing, even though you specifically asked me what kind I wanted. Well, I dunno if you have ever seen a kid who doesn't get their dipping sauce, but it sure as hell ain't pretty, Peanut. So I am forced to go in, and flag down the attention of Gum-Chewing Girl to get my sauces. Fine. SO I get home and am ready to enjoy my large beverage, which I wanted so bad that I was forced to say "can you Biggie size that" which was just humiliation for me to say something so fucking stupid, and what happens? No straws. There were straws in the kids' meals, but not for me and the mrs. It totally took the fun out of drinking the drink. To top it off, the Mrs. was ovulating like a mofo that night, so in the event there was a birth control malfunction of any sort, I am holding you responsible since you sold me the salad of seduction, so I'll expect a garnishment of your wage for child support - no more Hubba-Bubba for you, my Pet!
Finally, the last incident was tonight. It was after Ballet, about 7 p.m. again. We again had no dinner planned, so we polled the kids, and they wanted McDonalds. I don't like McDonalds. I keep seeing that Supersize Me dude puking in the parking lot when I think about it. I wanted a sub, but got McDonalds just to be easy - easy like Sunday morning. WELL. We are served by you, Mary fucking Sunshine. I'm sorry, but you must have had us mistaken with the people who stole your dog and killed your grandma and forced you to get a job in the service industry when you really are more suited for working at, I dunno, swallowing pharmacuticals and spitting on the sidewalk. But you know, we made it through the experience and moved on to the window where you collect the food. It was right fast and I was glad. So we get home, and I am in a pissy mood, and discover, again, that my supersized filet of fish meal and my wife's whatever it was she ate, came with no straws. Neither did the Happy Meals. Well, Happy Meals my fucking arse, my friend, since I again have to suck back pop out of a cup, and the kids are spilling pop all over creation and back again. Strawless orders may be the way you all roll in nuggetville, but it's not how I roll, Dingus.
So please, dummy the fuck up, all of you. That's all I'm asking. Give me straws, give me dipping sauce, give me hitch-free salads for getting busy. It's all I want. Maybe I should try Burger King - they say they have it my way.
So that's the rant. Horrible person I am, aren't I, for complaining about something so trite? I am completely weirded out at the moment because I just saw a commercial for Nutri-system, with some dude who lost 77 lbs, and he said during the whole course of the thing that he was 38 and never felt better. Honey, I'm 37 in two months, and if 38 looks as old as this poor bugger, well, get me to the fucking botox clinic. Really, I can't wrap my head around this pushing 40 business - I so don't look it, so I guess it really freaks me out that these other people who actually look their age are looking so damn ancient. This dude and his wife were frollicking since he lost his weight and were implying that they were randy as rabbits (I bet even without a Salad to whet the carnal appetite!) since he's lost weight and it was like an image of your parent's doing it. Freaky-ass bullshit, this aging business, isn't it?
My other rant tonight was that I asked someone finally how to get a ringtone for my phone and they said just go to Much Music (I think it was Margo who told me, but I dunno, I'm too old to remember), so I did, but I really wanted Vertigo by U2 and they don't have it. SO what the fuck good is it - I don't want my phone ringing to Nelly Furtado or whatever. I'm pushing 37, I'm a little long in the tooth for that.
Anyway, that's the rant for tonight. I wish you all champaign dreams and cavier wishes.

Monday, January 01, 2007

All is Quiet on New Years Day

5 second post - I am heading to bed. Spent a quiet NY Eve at home with the family, and rang in the new year whilst watching "Family". We are on the third episode and I think I got my wife hooked on it. I didn't realize it was an Aaron Spelling show. Anyway, I'm loving it. I just realized that Season Hubley was on the episode I watched, and I can't quite remember who she is or why I know her. I somehow think she was married to Kurt... Kurt who is shacked up with Goldie Hawn... Russel, that's it, and the mother of his son Boston. But maybe I am just pulling that from my arse. I think she was also that pitiful blind waif who used to be on Young and Restless when I was in university. I dunno, she had some soap connection.
As I said, I am going to bed now, so this will be short. I just wanted to say happy new year, and reflect on two noticible New Years Eve's past - NYE 1989, when my now-wife and I hooked up - who knew we'd be together with a gaggle of kids and pets 17 years later. I love ya more than ever, baby!
I also had a memory of 20 years ago tonight, when me, someone else named Barbara Ann, and Margo ended up at Margo's house - we were supposed to go to a hot party at this mortician's daughter's house, but I can't figure out why we didn't. Anyway, we ended up at Margo's, where she called the radio station at midnight to request "Auld lang Sine" and she was slurring "play old ling sing" and then "play duran duran" and Barbara Ann was on the other phone yelling "Duran Duran are fags, Margo!" Good times.....
The year before that, 1985, I had an awesome time, being the only drunk one, but nevertheless I wasn't self conscious about it, at this chick's house named Peg, with Jerry, Shauna, and Lynne, to be joined later by Tam and Dawn. I was pissed out of my mind on a 26 of rum that I crammed into two big gulps, and as Peg's folks were strict and religious, I was playing with fire. But we had so much fun, and Jerry was 6 foot 5 and Indian but pretended he was black, so we put on Jungle Love by the Time and danced like motherfuckers, over and over to that song. Then at about 2, my dad drove my friends home and I remember listening to Tarzan Boy by Baltimora on the drive. Good times. And my dad was nice to give everyone rides.
I also remember 19 years ago tonight, at a party in an apartment with Jay, Lynne, Doug, John, and Holly. They were all a few years older than me, and I was pissed as usual, and at midnight, out in the parking lot with sparklers, Holly kissed me happy new years, but with lots of tongue, and I was 17 and she was like 20 something, and I was so uncomfortable and then she mooned us and her ass was hairier than mine almost, and I must admit my ass is quite freaky to look at so you can image that on a woman. Anyway, this is the hairy Holly who used to shave that I mentioned before, and it was because of our chance meeting that she hunted me down and introduced me to her friend, who I dubbed "the Whore" on here before, and it was said Whore who Margo got mixed up with, along with 400 other people I know, and so I guess i am responsible for lots of subsequent debauchery, including my friend Marcus losing his virginity to "The Whore" one fateful night, which I would love to post about but I am too embarassed to even admit that we didn't bat an eye about the goings on that evening - I'll save that story for another time.
Finally, one last New years - about 10 years ago, we stayed home, rented movies, and they sucked shit, so we just phoned Margo in Calgary over and over becuase she was home and bored too, so we spent the whole thing on the phone. Good times.
Anyway, happy new year, and I'll blab at u later - gotta go read my U2 book.