Saturday, April 30, 2005

It wasn't ME who stunk the john up, but will they believe me?

Well, I wasn't going to post a thing, but just read Margo's frantic "where's your post" comments, so I thought I will give 2 or 3 lines. I am exhausted. Completely exhausted. Went to the party last night - Went to a party last Saturday Night, didn't get laid, got in a fight, uh huh, it ain't no big thing.... LOL anyone remember that song? Anyway, I did indeed go to party last night. Of course I bitched all fucking day about going, because I was cranky yesterday at work and tired and the weather is just crazy - more on that later. Sharon from work didn't want to go either but she said she'd come with us because we thought we better make an appearance. Well, of course, as soon as I get there, I proceed to get drunk, and I had such a good time, and of course I didn't want to leave... but we were home by 11. It's actually a good thing we left because I woulda just kept drinking and being stupid and I am sure I woulda logged onto the blog or something and showed them. Oh I am such a loser. As it was, this woman I work with was in the can right before me, and she took the most horrendous dump, and it was wafting down the hall, and it was all I could do to not tell her to light a candle or something.... LOL, oh yes, it was a good thing we went home.
So we went to the party, and I was a little hung over, but more tired because I didn't sleep. My back was killing me.... scared to go to bed tonight in case it's a repeat of last night. My spine was just throbbing it felt like, so I am a walking zombie, and of course the kids were up early and we cleaned like banshees all day and night. So I am exhausted.
So, the weather. It's been below freezing the past two days and snowing (it melts in the day, but STILL) and feels like November. The kids have frigging suntans from last week, and now we had to find their winter coats.... ah well, whatever.
Just looking on MLS - I don't know what on earth is going on in this town - nothing for sale, and what is for sale is like skyrocketing. Thank God we bought when we did, is all I have to say. I was looking tonight because I see that a B and B down the road from my old house is for sale, and I am dying to know what it's going for, but it's not on the mls, of course.
Oh, I told Margo I was going to blog about weight, but I am too lazy to get into it. I'll do it tomorrow night when I am more rested - or at least I hope I am more rested.
Oh, one final humiliation before I sign off. A month or two ago, this woman calls me at work to ask me about this one thing I am involved in and she asked for a picture of me, for this promo thing they were doing. Well, I just got someone to snap a pic of me and I emailed it. My hair is all standing up for some reason, and I look out of it. Well, I forget about this and this afternoon my nephew phones me and starts quoting something. Turns out this thing I gave my pic to was a bigger deal than I thought, and there is this insert with the frigging newspaper, with my pic in there and my gross picture. So, let's just say it was kinda funny....
Well, gonna wrap this up and go read - haven't been there in a while. I love her... LOVE her... Rules of Travel is the best album thus far this century, trust me.
Have a great weekend all,

Thursday, April 28, 2005

My Day Mall Watching

Well, back at home - snug as a bug in a rug. Ah, whatever. So, ok, Survivor - they all fucking deserve to be voted off for not going against Tom. So fucking stupid. But whatever, it's their own fault. And Caryn - I've cheered for her since day one, but after tonight - bye bye sister. She is so stupid. Ah, they just drive me crazy. And I won't be happy until I see Gregg's sorry ass get booted out of the island.
Now on The Apprentice - who would have thought that Greg and Kendra would actually make it through a task. Boardroom is on right now - looks like my Tana is going to be gone. Shit, she was the one I was cheering for. Alex should be gone. Ah well, whatever, she'll still get to drive her pink Cadaillac (is that how you spell it?) as Mary Kay woman of the year. Hey, forgive me for being asshole-ish sounding, and it may not be true, but why, in the past, did Mary Kay sellers always look so clownish? My cousin used to sell it, but holy shit, she looked like a clownfish - but who am I to say anything about anyone, because I ain't exactly Willie Ames.
So I had a shitty sleep last night, and so I was dead tired today at my meeting. Met a friend for lunch at Tony Roma's, but they buggered up my meal or something. I got the BBQ beef sandwich thing, which is usually swimming in sauce, but this one had nothing on it, and so it was so dry I was having trouble swallowing it, and of course they don't give you a bottle of ketchup on the table but just those little thingys like Red Lobster does, so I couldn't even put anything on it to make it more juicy. And of course since it was Janet's turn to buy, I didn't want to look like I didn't like my lunch but I kept thinking I was going to choke.
So then I was getting ready to leave Regina, and Rach calls me and says she has a craving for Edo and could I pick her up some. Edo for those who don't know is just this Japanese food court place, and we don't have one where we live. So, I can't deny the pregnant love of my life, so I told her I would wait and drive home the long way through Saskatoon and pick it up there. So I drive to Saskatoon and pick up the food and while I am waiting, I fell prey to my usual mall-staring-trying-to-figure-out-people daze. Wait, let me back up. I gotta pee in the mall, so I find a bathroom and it's upstairs down this long hallway - really out of the way. I get in there, and suddenly I felt like I was in a bad movie - this fucking GANG of thugs is sitting there on the sinks, and some are in the stalls and I never, NEVER ever feel unsafe when I am by a group of kids, but this was like a gang. So I am peeing and trying to watch my back, and just got the fuck out of there. Freaked the shit out of me.... I dunno how many there were, and I dunno, they coulda just been waiting for their friend to take a dump or something, but it freaked me out.
So then I am waiting for the food and then just get obsessed with the people in the food court. So this guy and his son are waiting for their food, and the wife comes and says something to them and I swear she is wearing a wig. Her hair was multi-colored and was just too... I don't know... just too.. MUCH or something. I am sure it was a wig. So then I start thinking "why is she wearing a wig? Is it cancer? She looks too healthy for cancer" and on and on... then I see where they are sitting and she's got this daughter with her who would be like 8 at most, with glasses and long blond hair, dressed in pink and just looks so sweet, and I get this lump in my throat thinking "OMG, I hope that's the mom's real hair, she can't have cancer, that poor sweet girl can't lose her mom" and I swear, I am all choked up watching this littler girl eat her fries and thinking of my kids, and how children don't deserve any shit, and I swear, if I was a millionaire, I woulda just walked over to those people and paid their mortgage off or something.... LOL, all this from someone perhaps wearing a wig. So I try to divert myself from these people, because I realize I am insane, and then I see these two girls, maybe 18, sitting with their friend who must be a Muslim or something - she had a babooshka on her head - I don't know what they call that in Islam. So she's got this thing on her head, and then her phone rings, and she can't even take it off to talk on the phone, so then I start wondering what her life is like and what her goals are and that diverted me, and that got me bored, so then I see this guy on his supper break from Jack Fraser or something, and he was injured or something - his nose was squashed, so you just know I wanted to find out what happened to his nose. Oh and the reason the food took so long was because the Edo guys were flirting with these two African girls - I think they were from Sudan - and so the line wasn't moving because the guy wouldnt stop talking to one of them, and her jeans were so tight, I just wondered how one got those things off, because I have never seen such tight jeans, and I then wondered how they got to Canada, and what language they were speaking, and so I was completely lost in my mall madness.
Went to Costco and bought a bunch of strawberries and bread and iced tea and whatever. I am just typing for the sake of typing it looks like. Thank God tomorrow is Friday. We have a party to go to tomorrow night and I really don't feel like going now. Ah, but we have to.... but I am just too tired this week to be social. Anyway, I am going to jump in the shower and get to bed.
Have a good Friday,

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Idol, Kate and Allie, and that's about it

Well, I don't know how far I will get with the blog tonight - my eyes are hurting. Anyway, no post yesterday - bad day, bad mood, down in the dumps, and if a man can be a bitch, then I was a fucking beotch like you wouldn't believe. You ever just have one of those days where you just feel sory for yourself and the world is against you? Well, that was yesterday. So, anyway, another day has sprung forth from the vast universe.... oh hells bells, I was going to wax philosophic as a joke, but I am too lazy.
Actually, I am kind of buzzed. I am in Regina tonight - I have this work thing tomorrow, so I ma in a hotel right now, sucking back beer like a son of a bitch. So unlike me. I got into town reeeeaaallly late, and then went to the bookstore and came here and called Margo, that beast of all things exquisite, and then ordered pizza. Well, the fucking pizza made me so thirsty I ran down to the bar and bought on of those big honkin' cans of beer and just sucked the fucking thing down. So, I am loopy, and working on another one, which I won't finish, because I have shitty sleeps when I drink, and I don't want to drink and then not sleep well. Don't worry, I am not drunk, just warm and fuzzy - I love ya guys! Love ya! LOLLLLLL, oh as Margo can attest, if you get me drunk, I honestly will do that kind of thing.
So just got this fucking laptop hooked up which was rigamorole city, lemme tell ya. The internet is so slow too, I'll be amazed if this thing sends.
So for the drive I bought the new Joni compilation, Songs of a Prairie Girl, which is a compilation of songs about Saskatchewan. Very good... but I am sort of jarred when confronted with the songs outside of the concept of the album they come from. Oh, I also bought the new New Order. Can you say SUCKS!?! Fucking shitty pile of shit. Sorry for the swearing, it's a delayed reaction from yesterday.
So, let's be upfront right now - Paula Abdul is fucking crazy or drunk or something, and she is screwing the male contestants. She CRIED when Constantine left tonight. I mean, he was just David Cassidy, with worse teeth and buggered up hair. Apart for the night he sang Queen, he was just a joke. And I mean, none of them rock my world, except my girl Vonzell - keep it real, Vonzie! That blonde girl is good, but she's so hit and miss lately. And, I must be buzzed, because I will admit that Anthony sounded good last night. Oh, who am I kidding, I am only cheering for him because he is Ukrainian like me, and it was so damn cute watching his daddy crying listening to baby Anthony sing on that ghettoblaster (hey, don't you LOVE how Bjork says it "Jhetto-baster"?). Hey, what of these reports that Paula was pumping the one guy on Idol? Man, that place is dramarama right now.
So anyhooo, I was thinking of Kate and Allie today. I wish that damn show was on DVD. But what I was thinking of was how they tried to make the blond girl, Jenny, the star of the kids, when really ,anybody can see that Emma was the damn star. But noooo, we had to listen to Jenny sing "tomorrow, tomorrow...." and hear her do her big "gig" singing "Goodbye to You" by Scandal, and then let's not forget the whole losing her virginity thing with that guy from Another World. Poor old Emma just sat there at home and faded into the background. It's not fair, damnit, it's just not fair. Then there is Chip, who went on to bare all on Oz - like, nobody needs to see Chip in all his glory. Connie Chung musta been rolling over in her.... oh forget it....
Anyway, I obviously have nothing to say. I am going to go watch Conan.
Have a great day - the Golden Globes are now over, y'all, y'all, y'all!

Monday, April 25, 2005

Songs I Have Sang Wrong and Other Abnormalities of my Social Being

So I've gotten many song lyrics wrong throughout the years, but I am going to admit here my most glaring one. I didn't think it was all that big of a hoo-ha, but i guess it is. For like 28 years, I've enjoyed Hotel California. I've owned it on vinyl as a child, 8-track as a child, cassette as a teenager, and cd as an adult. I listen to it quite often still. Yet, I never realized I had the lyrics wrong until about 2 months ago, whilst driving around at noon. So, here it is, my error:

Hotel California - Instead of "On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair", I have been singing, for almost 30 years, "On a dark desert highway, combing my hair" - you know, pronounced drawn out, "co-wim-ing". Yes, I am a loser.

Sweet Baby James by James Taylor - Love James Taylor. My second daughter was given the middle name Taylor after him, Keryn's favorite song was "only One" as a baby, and I own almost every JT album. That's also where the nickname from the blog comes from. Anyway, the lyric is "deep greens and blues are the colors I choose" and I always sang "BEET GREENS and blues".... yeah, I know, wtf....

"The Weight" by the Band (I think Laura Nyro wrote it, didn't she?) - anyway, the song opens "I pulled into Nazareth, I was feeling about half-past dead" and I thought it was "Pulled into Nazareth, was feelin' 'about half-past ten"....

I also thought Bruce's/Manfred Mann's "Blinded By the Light" said "wrecked up like a douche, you know the roller in the night" instead of "Deuce".

I thought "Lay Down Sally" was "Way Down South" and that Clapton and those women just put some spin on the South and said "way down south-ey"... I was like 9, so that's ok.

I also thought Robbie Dupree's "Hot Rod Hearts" was "Hard Rock Hearts" - man I love that song - brings me back to my childhood.

Also, "Fool's Overture" by Supertramp - we've had that in my house since I was like 8, yet I always thought the ending said "rip it up, shake it up, wash your legs" but it's really "Live it up, Rip it up, why so lazy" - LOL always had the visual of lathered up legs when I heard that one.

Finally, i thought James Taylor's "Mexico" said "I married Carly, she's got the sleepy eye" instead of "Americano" - the "I married Carly works, since he WAS married to Carly, but I was always thinking "she doesn't have sleepy eyes" - I love Carly by the way - damn baby.

My dearest Margo as a child thought "I Shot the Sheriff" was "I shot the sherry", Terrence Trent Darby's "Sign Your Name" was "Silently, You Crossed My Heart", and we had a friend who thought Nazareth's "My White Bicycle" was "My White Seagull". Rachel thought Melissa's "I Wanna Come Over" said "I wanna come over, to help with the concert plans" instead of "to hell with the consequence". Finally, I had a friend whose mother got all worked up when we were listening to Van Halen's "Panama" - she thought Dave was saying "reached down in between my legs, eased the SEED back" instead of "Seat". LOL, now THAT would be a good pick-up line - "hey baby, I wanna hook up and ease the seed back...."

Why am I telling you this? I don't know. I am all out of Connie Chung quips tonight.
Margo, I would like to conduct an experiment, since we had "New Moon on Monday" so wrong - let's pick a Duran song and then just write out what we THINK are the lyrics and post them, and then check and see how wrong we were. You'll have to give me a day or so to find and dust off the Duran cds.
Anyone else have any good song screw ups?
Going up to bed, have a wonderful tuesday
p.s. - you know, wrecked up like a douche is no harder to understand than "deuce"

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Musings on Larry Hagman's Craziness, and Keryn's reaction to the new baby (What does One have to do with the other? Nothing)

I've got a fucking headcold, so this is gonna be quick - two things: First, I bought a stack of old People magazines at Value Village - I love old magazines and newspapers, and I collect them - especially love the 70's and 80's, probably because I tend to live in the past. Anyhooo, one of them was from 1995 or something and had Larry Hagman on the cover, talking about his liver transplant in his own words. Well, I just have to say this - the man is fucking crazy. I don't mean zany, I mean CRAY-ZAY. The thing that annoyed me was he says in one breath that he drank too much, but then he says he was never drunk, and his wife says she has seen him drunk once and that was it. Well, he admits to drinking a bottle of champagne in the morning, and another in the afternoon, and then vodka before dinner, then wine with dinner, and I mean, are they crazy? So then, when he gets his tumor, he blames the radar tower outside his house. I think his wife has it ass-backwards. No, you don't mean you've never seen him drunk, but instead you haven't seen him sober. THEN, in this spread, he's wearing costumes, but they don't say WHY, so there he is, wearing this jestor's costume, smiling like a son of a bitch, and then another shot of him and his assistant, and he's wearing a priest's costume, and I mean, he's just crazy. I remember reading in the Andy Warhol Diaries (MUST READ IT - I read it every 2 years or so) that he ran into Hagman golfing naked or something, and I thought he was just drunk, but obviously, he's just crazy. Man, Connie Chung would be rolling over in her grave if she saw Larry Hagman in the jestor's costume (LOL, sorry, just trying to create a new nonsense buzz-phrase - remember, I love Connie, so no offense to her, and I hope she lives to be 112).

Ok, just had to share that crappola with someone. We told Keryn today about the baby. She was so excited, it was so cute (yeah, I know, that was a comma splice, but I ain't bein' picky about sentence construction here). She keeps hugging Rach's belly and said, when we were going out for brunch and she was going to grandma's "Tell everyone in the restaurant about the baby!" - we were meeting my family (and no we didn't take the kids because they wanted to go to grandma's). At supper she asked if mommy's tummy felt funny when she ate because of the baby, and then she asked if the baby was chewing mommy's food. Before bed she asked if the baby was drinking mama's iced tea. Oh my baby is so damn sweet, and of course Kim copies everything she says, so it was just classic. Ooooh, my lil' Kim isn't going to be the baby anymore - that's sorta sad that she will appear so grown up when the babe comes.
It's my parents 48th anniversary tomorrow (hence the brunch). I was very crabby today and with the full moon tomorrow (think it's the full moon) and shit, I'll be a basket case. Rach's relative (can't really explain how they are related, but let's just say she's her dad's cousin's wife, I think) has cancer and doesn't have long to live. her folks went to see her tonight and I feel melancholy now too, to boot. So, I am going to go jump in the tub and get my flat little arse to bed.
Have a great week everyone and remember, it's not as bad as it seems (LOL, maybe some positive talk will get me outta the full-moon funk - As my father Abe Vagoda used to say - LOL - sorry, I'm tired....

Saturday, April 23, 2005

I am the love child of Abe Vigoda and Bea Arthur, APPARENTLY.

Very Quick tonight - I gotta get to bed. However, I was reminded today of a strange thing that happened to me a couple of years ago. I received this email from someone named Jennifer Grey - I kept thinking "Could this be Baby from Dirty Dancing?" - LOL, anyhooo... This Jennifer says this: "'The Love Child of Bea Arthur and Abe Vigoda' - I love it! Where did you get that from? Contact me... please." And that's it. So of course I am thinking she's on crack or I am on crack, or we're both on the crack pipe, or something. So I reply "HUH"? and she says she found some archive of something where I posted that I looked like the love child of Abe Vigoda and Bea Arthur. Well, first off, I thought it was hilarious, but sadly, I don't think I'm that good to think of something like that. But then again, who knows, because as many can attest, back when I first got a compter I was writing shit everywhere and talking to God knows who, and was like some manic meth head. So, that's an incident I have no idea if I came up with the quip or not, but I still don't get where this Jennifer Gray found it, or who the hell she is, and why she was so intense with her "contact me... please."
Next puzzling thing: When did Maury Povich get so sleazy? I think I posted about this before, but I am still freaked out by watching "Paternity tests to see if she slept with her baby's godfather" as the topic. And all this "who's your baby Mama" bullshit - Connie Chung must be rolling around in her grave - well ok, so she isn't dead, but I couldn't think of a better saying to fit what a sleazoid he is. Somebody told me something about her sister - I dunno, i think somehow someone I know knows someone who somehow slept with her sister? I can't remember the story - it was odd, though. I loved Connie Chung - she's the cat's ass.
Next one - My sister Leslie reminded me of this person, "Toby", who was on Sally a few times in the late 80's, early 90s. Toby was/is a hermaphrodite and only had this little hole to pee out of. Otherwise, you had no idea what she/he was. It had this freaky squeaky voice, and didn't like to be touched, and didn't want to have sex because it would just be symbolic of masturbation for it's partner, because Toby had no sexual pleasure centers, and Toby loved it's dog, and Toby was listed as "O" on it's license, for Other. Does anybody remember Toby? Why am I talking about Toby? I have no fucking idea.
Well, better run.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Be Weary of What You Put in Your Toilet Tanks, People...

Nothing to say. Long frigging day today. I was so glad when 4:30 rolled around. Tired and sorta cranky all day, but tonight was fun. Played outside with the kids until dark, and then came in and started the weekend cleaning jag. However, I am just too tired right now to do any more. I cleaned the bathrooms though, and one word of warning to you - I bought those damn toilet puck things because our toilets get rusty. Well, Rachel, bless her heart, has this thing against the blue ones. I dunno, I always thought blue toilet water looked spiffy, but whatever. So anyway, I bought the white ones, so that the frigging toilets won't get rusty so fast. Well, I plopped them in and forgot about them - by the way, we have three bathrooms, so I made sure each toilet had one. Well, Keryn peed her pants in the bathroom - couldn't make it in time - and so I was in there wiping it up and thought "Man, the smell sure is strong." So then I get closer to the toilet, and it's just hideous. So I am thinking she musta peed earlier or something too, because it smelled like a combination of pee and horseshit. Don't ask me why. So then I go into our bathroom in the bedroom a little later and I am cleaning in there, and get this hideous whiff of the same thing - horsey pissy something or other. Well, it's the frigging toilet puck thingys. What the hell is with that?? So now my bathrooms stink, and I am just waiting for Rach's supersonic pregnancy nose to pick it up, because believe me, she will. At this stage in the game, she can smell a dirty diaper 4 towns over. So that's the trauma for tonight.
Oh, get this - the frigging Queen is coming for the "Gala" now, as long as there isn't an election called. LOL, if only I gave a rat's ass about the old bitch.... OK, that's harsh, but the monarchy makes as much sense to me as Duran Duran lyrics, Carrot Top's sex life, and the popularity of Paris Hilton. Soooo, I just know if I go, Joni will be sitting in a balcony with her parents, maybe giving a wave or something, while I have to endure Colin James, Brent Butt, and Leslie Neilson, and the queen.... but I just might chance it and go - it's not like I've never dumped $100 in the casino or something equally stupid, like blowing $$ at Walmart. Don't ask me why, but I could go into Walmart for like a lightbulb and dog food or something stupid, and I always come out with a cart and 150 dollars spent. And it's always like strange frigging things, like groceries or whatever.
Tomorrow morning I have to go and move that piano - we didn't do it the other night - so I have to take my car and drive an hour into the country. So, I was going to burn a cd, but can't find any songs I have a hankerin' for. I really wanted to hear "Bela Lugosi's Dead" by Bauhaus tonight, but I can't find the damn cd, and I don't wanna download it because I haven't the patience to search for it. I also wanted "Blue Jean" by Bowie, but again, the frigging case is empty, so obviously I can't care for cds anymore.
Anyway, I am heading up now I think.
Have a great weekend,

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Joni's Coming Home, and I Pray I Don't Have Cat Scratch Fever (or any other Ted Nugent-related Malady)

Ok, first thing - BIG fucking dilema - It's the Saskatchewan Centennial this year, and there is this much ado about nothin' "gala" in Saskatoon May 19th - A bunch of odds and ends of Sask. performers, such as Colin James, Leslie Neillson, Buffy Saint Marie, Andrea Menard, and I dunno... whatever.. much ado about nothing I said. So they can't sell the fucking tickets to this stupid thing, but yesterday, they announce Joni will be there, not singing, and conflicting reports of what she'll be doing. At first this afternoon, the website said co host with Brent Butt, and then that was changed, and supposed to be some tribute to her somehow, but it could be she will just be sitting there with her parents. So it's murky. I can get 9th row floor tickets right now, but the corker is they are 125 dollars each - Rachel doesn't want to go, and if I told her how much tickets were, she would throw up. Also, I just bought Wiggles tickets, Jann Arden tickets, and hell, haven't paid the frigging phone bill yet this month, and have to order sod soon, and on and on.... so do I go? Do I just buy two tickets? What if I am never in the same room as Joni again? FUCK, TELL ME WHAT TO DO...... Holy, I swear a little much on here - sorry.
Ok, I guess I'll have to figure it out. Now, for the cat story. Molly was getting shots today. So we took her, and we brought Keryn who was all excited to be at the vet. Well, they know Molly very well because she was very sick a few years back and almost died... it was a miracle she made it through. So they refer to her as the miracle cat, and its sort of a big deal when she comes in because her illness almost shut down her kidneys and her muscle mass deteriorated, and now she's a little chunky, and healthy... SO, we are chatting and all is good, and they give the first shot and she freaks.... we can't get her to calm down for the other shot, so they try to muzzle her... she freaks more... they give me big gloves to put on to hold her... she lunges at me... her eyes start watering... her mouth starts foaming.... so she goes and gets the other vet and tells us to leave, and they try wrapping her in a blanket. So we sit in the waiting room, and the cat is howling, hissing, yowling, a good 5 minutes. People are staring at the door, all freaked out, and I am so embarrassed, and I am sitting there bleeding from my knuckles like a son of a bitch... so they had to put her in a kennel to go home and I just kept saying "but she's really nice... honest". Oh yeah, she also pissed all over the place too, I guess. It was funny - had to be there. I still am choking on cat hair. Next year, she's being sedated first.
So that's the day.
OH, and what, pray tell me, is the deal with Janu???? Fucking people who go on reality tv and then pretend to enlighten themselves. It's about the money, peoples.... and if they are too fucking stupid to vote Tom off, well, they deserve to lose. Oh yeah, that blonde bitch has to go. Greg's girlfriend. Has to go right now....
So that's all, I have nothing in my tonight to be creative. I gotta go shower this cat hair off of me from the trauma of this afternoon......
Talk Tomorrow - tgif like you can't frigging believe....

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Daddy's Day on Wisteria Lane, PLUS a Funny Story

This morning was library storytime hour for Keryn and myself - I tend to call it my "Morning on Wisteria Lane." Now while I love taking Keryn because she loves it so much, I must say that some of the mothers at this thing sort of creep me out. Not all of them, but the big clique. It's sorta like a social microcosm of highschool for mommies. Now, what I mean is, being a Daddy there automatically means I don't fit in with this crowd. As I said, not all the moms seem to know each other, but the majority do. So, the first week when I walked in there with my excited but very shy and nervous daughter, we were already at a disadvantage because the kids all knew each other from doing this before, and the mom's were just waiting to dump the kids in the story room and get the hell out of there. And then there is me, all tense and nervous for my baby. I get a lot of looks, being the only dad, with the daughter who knows none of these kids - all of their kids seems to be in everything - I've heard dance lessons talked about, gymnastics, skating, you name it. So already, these kids are involved in everything. This means the mommies all know each other and have these bragging sessions about their kids. AND, as I have said, being the only dad makes me different - I can tell they are all wondering our story. Is he a single dad? Is the mom gone, and that's why the girl has funny hair this morning? Does he not work? Is mom bringing home the bacon, and he sits at home eating it and taking the girl to library hour? If he does work, why does he wear jeans? I've heard him talk to the girl about a sister - does he have custody of the sister? I know that we are wondered about. I just have the urge to hand out a bio next week and say "hey, I'm married, the sister is at the sitters, yes, I work, but I choose to take Wednesday mornings off to do this with my daughter, mom is happily married to me and she is working right now, and while I am very poor because of very high student loan payments, I probably make more money than your husbands'."
So while I am sure the big clique of Mommies are wonderful people, as a group, they intimidate. There is one who just seems like she'd be a bitch, another one who is show-offy, another one who seems suspicious to have a man there, and so on. And the conversation is all about bragging about the kids and such. It weirds me out a bit. Of course, as I have said, not everyone belongs to the group of Heathers. There's the artsy mom, who I know is married to a minister, who sits back and writes something (don't know what she's doing), and the other mom with the shy kid, who sits back with her baby, and a few more. And then today - another dad! Well, I was so excited, I thought I was going to soil myself. I saw him and I swear, it felt like a long lost friend was there. LOL, I had to resist the urge to holler, "hey, over here, come sit here!" Then I thought "Oh no, what if he's part of the Wisteria Lane ladies - the token male?" He wasn't, thankfully. He just remained in the back, sitting at the table with the arsty mommy, reading magazines, while I sat there reading the New Yorker - of course, I usually only like the cartoons, but whatever. So even though the other Dad and myself didn't speak, we are bonded - bonded against the undercurrents running through the women of Wisteria Lane.....
Of course, they are probably all wonderful women, enjoying their morning out with other moms, and could give a shit about the lone dad sitting there - I'm so full of shit half the time, and always have to read something major into nothing..... but life is more fun that way, so forgive me if I am misinterpreting my Wisteria Lane library clatch.
OK, funny thing happened at work this afternoon. It was a co-worker's birthday, and we were emailing back and forth about something and, long story, we decided to go for coffee to celebrate the birthday. So in the meantime, I was busy doing something before I took my break, and I was out of my office for a minute. Well, Carla, let's call her, tries to call but I wasn't answering, so she sends an email saying "pick up your phone, loser. Terry and I are ready to go." Well, turns out while we were emailing back and forth, she was also emailing back and forth about something with our "boss" (not sure what to call her - more like our leader). So she accidently sends our boss this email meant for me, saying "pick up the phone loser. Terry and I are ready to go." OMG, it was so funny, and she didn't know until "the boss" said "are you playing mind games or something? I wasn't on my phone?" Oh, we laughed and laughed....
So Anwar is gone. You know, I kinda thought he sucked last night. But maybe it's because "September" is one of my fave songs, and I can't picture anyone else doing it. But man, that Scott has got to go. And fucking Paula, and her big, drunk, flapping arms, doing that fucking clapping thing along with her "you're a star, and you rock, and you just are lovely" commentaries.... I'm waiting for her to pull a Liz Taylor "y'all, y'all, y'all" moment.
Oh, and the gay guys are gone now on Amazing Race, and I was only cheering for them or for the old people, and the old people will be next. So if Uchenna and Joyce don't do it, I don't even care to watch the rest of it. Rob and Amber... argh, don't get me started.
Oh, and the Joni picture I posted. Holy shit, I wasn't expecting all the emails and posts. It was quite cool, actually. I will keep the pic up for a couple days, but let me just say that it's not that I like hate myself or anything, but I just look... well.... the picture isn't good. I can objectively look at it and say I look sort of a cross between hilly-billy/retarded. I really don't look like that... LOL, but I can't put other pictures up, because I REALLY don't want anyone I know to find this, because then it will just end up censoring me - lol, like if work people knew, I wouldn't be able to tell Carla's story, and so on....
Well, gonna search the internet for lightbulbs and then read some blogs and go to bed - the lights under my cupboards in the kitchen - well, we can't get replacement bulbs ANYWHERE. Gonna google them - anyone has a lead on halogen bulbs, 120 volt, 25 watts, G8 base, lemme know!
Shit, cat goes to the vet tomorrow too, so I better find her collar, and still have to take the garbage out and throw in some laundry.... I'll be up until fucking 1:00 a.m. again.... ah well.
Have a Great Thursday,

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Me in some ugly shirt with Joni Posted by Hello

Joni Mitchell Never Lies

I've got to stop reading Rosie's blog, because tonight it is influencing what I was going to write. I was going to talk about weight, because that's a thorny issue with me, and I am sorta on a diet again, or trying to start one, but then I accidently clicked on her link and BOOM, she's talking about Joni, which just freaks me out, so I am going to too - You see, as Margo can attest, there has been no singular influence on my life as great as Joni Mitchell has been. You think I am kidding, but I am not. Dead serious. Discovering Joni was one of those moments that completely alters your life. I remember it well. Being from Canada in general, and Saskatchewan specifically, you just sort of learn to hate your own, or at least that's how it was when I was coming up (LOL, had to throw in an Oprah term). Didn't know sweet fuck all about Joni, except that she sang Big Yellow Taxi and a couple other songs. However, she was Canadian, so I lumped her in with Gordon Lightfoot as someone sucky.
In 1987, however, Rolling Stone put out the 100 best albums issue, and as I was desparately trying to get in on everything critically acclaimed, I studied it like the Bible. You see, music was my passion, my life, and while I was preoccupied with New Wave, funk, and folk, I wanted to "know the masters". Well, I saw that Joni was in there twice, with BLUE and COURT AND SPARK. So, keeping that in mind, that December, one Thursday evening, I was downtown at our local library, and I saw Blue on the shelf, so I signed this decrepit old album out. I walked home, threw it on my old Kenmore stereo, and heard the opening dulcimer or whatever it is start playing. Then I heard the following lines: "I am on a lonely road and I am travelling, travelling, travelling, looking for something, what can it be?" and I swear, I am not being dramatic here - I got this huge welling of bliss in my chest, and I was so excited. Nothing had really hit me like that before. Well, listening to that song made me almost jump out of my skin. I called Margo to tell her, but she was watching the Cosby show and didn't want to talk, and I even hauled my mother upstairs into my room to try and listen to this. I just became transfixed with the whole album. It was what I lived and breathed. I ended up snapping up all the Joni I could find, which was very difficult, because at that time, nobody carried her stuff. So when we'd go to Edmonton, I'd be too excited to sleep at the thought of Sam the Record Man. I think I bought Chalkmark in a Rainstorm next, and Court and Spark, which came a close second to BLue at that time - nothing like the lines from Down to You - "Everything comes and goes/Marked by lovers, and styles of clothes". I got 86's Dog Eat Dog, which I still love (most Joniphiles don't, but it rocks my world), and, long and short of it, I got all of her albums and loved each of them in different ways. It's gotten to the point where I don't know what my favorite is anymore. Blue got me hooked, but For the Roses has grabbed me the past few years and I am addicted to it. Hegira was my favorite at one time too, and "Amelia" can't be beat. Hissing of Summer Lawns also holds a soft spot, but I am really enraptured with Don Juan's Reckless Daughter lately, specifically the title track and Off Night Backstreet. But I won't bore you with any more of the album talk.
But back to Joan - i never knew she was from Saskatchewan until after I was under her spell. THEN, freakishly enough, she started dating Don Freed, who was still living in Saskatchewan, and who accepted a postion as a writer in residence in my hometown. WELL - I was living in Saskatoon at that time, but whenever I would go home, I would hear of these Joni sightings - "Joni was at the gas station" or "Joni was at the jigging contest" and "Joni was at the Art's Center" - on and on and on. Well, one night, arond 11, my sister Libby calls me. She makes small talk and then she says "JT... ummm, I just got back from having coffee at Amy's.. you know who was there? Joni" WELL, to steal a line from SOH, I almost soiled myself three times over. I was still smoking then, and I couldn't reach my smokes while on the phone, so I frantically fished around for a butt in the ashtray - this was too hard on m nerves to get through without a smoke. So she says "hey, my friend Lou is a waiter there - lemme call you back" and so 2 minutes later she calls back and says she has Joni's used wineglass for me. WELL, that was the funniest fucking thing ever. We laughed and laughed... LOL, I still have it somewhere I think. But just that gesture from my sister shows how everyone knew how Joni was wrapped up in the fabric of my life.
So flash forward a year or two - we are living in the hometown again, and one day my other sister Lois calls me. Her husband works for a stationary company, and she calls me to tell me Joni was in the store at that moment. Well, I was too conflicted to go down there. I was so excited, but something just told me to respect her privacy... LOL, I wish I woulda just went.. but anyway...
In 98, I joined the Joni discussion group, which was so cool. Met tons of likeminded people, got some really good discussions out of it, and met a bunch of them when they came to Saskatoon in 2000 when Joni did her art opening. I also met Joan then, briefly. My wife and I were walking by the gallery the afternoon before the opening, trying to get a glimpse of her and there she was, having a smoke. Well, i freaked out and just sort of took off, while I watch Rach out of the side of my eyes walking up, in her no-nonsense, calm way and saying "Excuse me, my husband is a huge fan, can I get a picture?" and the next thing you know, she's holding my hand sorta and I am standing there like some big fucking retarded looking whale (I was wearing the worst outfit imaginable). I didn't have the wherewithal to actually say anything really, and then the moment was gone. I wish I would have thanked her for all that her music has done for me, and for being the soundtrack to our lives - "I remember that time you told me love was touching souls, well surely you touched mine".
Anyway, sorry for the boring post, as I wanted to rage about this Pope nonsense, my weight issues, American Idol, and Survivor, but I guess it will have to wait for another night.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Ne Pas Faire Vomir.

I don't have much to say tonight - honest. The day started off at 7:00 - Kim was crying so I went to her, and usually, I get her back to sleep, and we snuggle until 7:30. Not today - she was crying and I just knew she was sick. Sure enough, she threw up a couple times by 8:00, and Rach stayed home with her. Of course I was panicked, because when Keryn had the flu last time, she got so dehydrated, she ended up in the hospital (on her 3rd birthday no less) for two days. So, I was my usual frantic self, but she ended up feeling pretty good by this afternoon, and played in the backyard with Keryn, who was the concerned big sister: "Oh mommy and daddy, I love my baby sister soooo much!" Of course, I had to do my usual "let's buy the sick child a present" routine, but what do you get a 21 month old, so I bought her Dora, Big Sister, on DVD. It just scares the hell out of me when the kids get sick. I just panic, because there is nothing you can do to take it away or make it all better, and it's just so sad - we all go into that liminal space of the otherworld of illess. I am crossing my fingers that Keryn doesn't follow suit and get it. Of course, you know me - already I've done all the laundry that came in contact with her today on the Heavy Stain cycle, which runs for like 85 minutes... LOL, I sound like such a freak admitting that. I also bleached down the counters, bathrooms, etc. like usual when someone gets a stomach bug, but of course, that usually doesn't do fuck all anyway.
I think I am such a nutcase about the kids getting sick because I have ALWAYS hated to throw up. In fact, I might as well admit here that it was a huge fear, bordering on neurosis, as a child. Ok, I was a really nervous child, and carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. You know, looking back, I really WAS a tad bit OCD. I worried about everything, and always had a nervous stomach, and lived in fear of throwing up. Half the time it was nerves, but that really didn't compute to my childish mind. So I would sneak Rolaids and lay on my right side (becasue I read somewhere that it would calm your stomach) and cross my fingers and pray that I wouldn't puke.
The funny thing is, I have never really been a big puker. Usually as a kid, one a year. Then as a teenager and an adult, almost never. In fact, I remember throwing up from the flu when I was 15, and then, besides 3 self-induced vomits due to drinking, which I don't count, because hell, when you are drunk, you do it, feel better, get something to eat, and get on with your life, I didn't throw up again from real illness for 17 years. That one was a corker. It was right after I quit smoking, and the night before we went to bed with a big bowl of popcorn and watched Big brother and Amazing Race. I woke up sicker than hell the next day, and got up to take a shower. I get to the bathroom and just as I am about to get in the shower, I feel that gross bubbly feeling in my throat, so I yell to Rach "get me a bowl, I'm going to get sick!" (why not the toilet, you ask? Well, because I am obviously crazy, apparently). So she comes in almost excited because she keeps saying "I've never known you to puke!" and I yell at her to get out. So then I throw up, and I am standing there, completely naked, puking in my sink (I dunno what I did with the bowl) and seeing myself in the mirror thinking this was the ugliest sight ever, and between heaves I am saying "No more, no more!" in this gravelly voice. Well, Rach is on the phone at this time, so I hear her saying to her sister "he's saying 'no more, no more'" and she's pissing herself laughing, and well, I admit, it was kinda funny. So then I had to call everyone in the world I knew and say "I threw up, can you believe it?" because everyone knows I am like Jerry Seinfeld, who had that 15 year vomit-free stretch... Yup, it's lucky I can't give birth, because if I can't even throw up without telling the world about it, can you imagine pushing a child out of me? I'd be on drugs forever, like Liz Taylor or Courtney Love.
LOL, ok, this was the stupidest, grossest post, but Margo and I were laughing tonight when I was telling her about Kim being sick and she was saying how she hates to throw up, and how hey, that would be a good blog. LOL, now she's got a story, but she can talk about that one when she wants to.
So I've rattled on, haven't I? Sorry to anyone who might read this, but it's finally my own time, alone time, and i just like to type, and to hell with if it makes any sense or is interesting - I admit, it's pretty hit or miss thus far.
Hey, anyone read the Jann Arden journal? i was looking last night, and holy shit, she was so depressed.... She needs to come here and hit the Winners going-out-of-business sales....
Also, any truth to the rumours that Target is moving to Canada?
OK, one more thing - and this is not meant to be offensive at all, but why the big freakout about choosing the Pope? Like, shouldn't there be one waiting just in case, at all times? Like the Pope in waiting, or an understudy or vice Pope or deputy Pope or something? I'm serious, wouldn't that just be wise to do? i don't get the whole white smoke black smoke thing either. I just dunno.
OK, I guess I should wrap this up since it's so frigging stupid tonight. Y'all might get a break from me tomorrow night - I have to go with my father in law somewhere to pick up a piano - I thought he said a town an hour away. I dunno, they are getting this piano or something, so I have to go help him, and then I am going to hot tub there tomorrow night and they have their outdoor shower hooked up now, which is the cat's ass, so this all indicates that spring is finally here!
Ok, have a good Tuesday,

Sunday, April 17, 2005

A Note on U2, Jewel Does Joni, and Connecting Through technology

How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb - U2
I love this album. Love it. Their albums have been hit or miss for me for a while (well, since Zooropa, to be honest), where I haven't pissed myself out of excitement at every track as I've almost done since the release of War, The Unforgettable Fire, The Joshua Tree, Rattle and Hum, and Achtung Baby. But this one, well, if I was a music critic, I would be the first to say it's far from perfect, but as a fan... it works. My friends are flying all the way to Vancouver to see them in a couple weeks. I am so jealous. I need to see U2 someday.... it's my destiny, damnit!

Oh, got the new Rolling Stone, with "the masters" or whatever on the cover, and Joni is there... but the write ups are done by other musicians, and if there is any more proof needed that Jann Werner has a vendetta against my Joan, this seals it: everyone has cool people writing their thing, but Joni's is by.... get this... JEWEL! FUCKING JEWEL!?!? I thought she was back living in that fucking van of hers again or something. I can see the office at RS now: "We better mention Joni... let's give her to Jewel. Remember "A Night Without Armor"" And then gaffaws across the old boys' club....

So I forgot to mention that Rachel found out about the blog! This must have been a week or so ago, but it slipped my mind. It was one night, and I was downstairs playing Pet Store with the girls. Rach was on the computer, doing some banking or something and I kept yelling at her to come into the other room and see how cute the pet store was - Keryn got all her stuffed animals and set them out, and her cash register and made these pretend spiders and snakes. So anyway, I finally came in here to get her and she was reading the blog and was saying "who is this? Is this you!?!?!?" so I just said "yeah, it's my blog" and then she proceeded to say "I don't know if I like this, mentioning me and the kids on the internet" and she was really sorta grouchy about it. So I just said "I'm not posting pictures, I use fake names, what's the big deal?" She said that anybody who knew us, or her family or whatever could figure it out in a second, and my reply was that how would they ever find it, and who cares if they did. And then I was already in this big melodramatic mood anyway (I can't remember why, but I was all poor poor pitiful me all night prior to this), so I just got snippy and then later on she started joking about it, calling herself Rach, so then I couldn't stop laughing.
So, I don't think she's read it since, and she still calls herself Rach on occasion. You know, it's interesting, this blog business. I initially started it because I seem to love the humdrum, and the mundane, and the daily patterns of people's lives. I love connecting. The internet has been invaluable to me. Since I got my first computer in 97, I've connected with such an array of people. The first people I connected with were from a chatroom on IRC. It was the night Princess Diana died, and I went into this room, #40 plus (picked 40plus because although I was only 27, I wanted to find nice people, older people, people who weren't going to ask me a/s/l or if I was horny tonight). So I went in there and met Elouise, this woman from Nova Scotia, who I just connected with. She was a teacher on disability (she has crohn's disease and MS), married to a principal, and she was the sweetest person. So we hit it off, and through her, and I got all weird and obsessed with chatting on the internet. Every night, as soon as Rach would go to sleep, there I would be, sitting up until 3:00 a.m., chain smoking (I still smoked then), drinking pot after pot of tea, listening to music, and talking to these people. They included an agorophobic woman in Pennsilvania, who I helped coach through a move to Florida, a 3 times married woman in Nashville, a libertarian race car driver/actor, an older convenience store manager from Nashville whose cousin was the groundskeeper for Loretta Lynn, my good buddy Tig, who was a male nurse in Hawaii, his sister who was a designer in Seattle, and there were many more. However, the closest one from that era was Keryn, who was from Winnipeg. While we loved chatting on the internet, we were both freaked out to tell people where we lived, and we were actually freaked out to talk to each other, since we lived a mere 9 hours apart. Both our parents gave us the warning : "How do you know who they are that you are talking to? They could be in jail!" LOL, in fact, to be funny, the first time she sent me something in the mail, she put the return address as Stony Moutain Penitentery. She was an X-Ray tech in Winnipeg, married, mother of 2 boys, and was, I dunno, maybe 10 yrs older than me. We've sadly sorta fallen out of contact, as happened with many of my internet people, but she does have one of our puppies - When Daisy had puppies, I sent her pics, and they loved one so much, they paid to have it flown to Winnipeg. That night, when I called to see if it arrived safely, it was so fucking cool to talk to her kids and have them thank us for giving them the puppy... connections that would never have happened without the internet. You know, I miss her. She will be the one person besides Margo that I tell about the blog... LOL, she will think it's insane, but whatever.
I also had my Joni Mitchell friends. I joined the Joni Mitchell discussion list back in 98, and it was heaven to find kindred spirits. I made many friends there, and when Joni did her art showing in Saskatoon in 2000, many flew down. It was there that I met my dear, wonderful friend from Boston, Judy, who I still talk to, and who is like an older sister. Also, I love my friend (what to call him - let's call him.... Rico - he'd get a kick out of that). Rico lives in Florida, and while we have never met, I consider him to be a close friend. So, anyway, this ramble is about the possibility of connection.
Well, I should get ready for bed, and another fucking work week. The weekend was too fast - i feel sad it's over... sigh. Keryn said tonight, when I told her "tomorrow, mommy and daddy have to go to work" she looked all alarmed and said "well... welll... you have one more day and then you stay home again?" and I mean, how do you say "no, FIVE more days honey..." Oh I miss them so much when I am at work.... Oh, I think we've become the type of parents we used to mock....
Ok, on a totally different note, why does my ICQ need upgrading? It won't let me log on without upgrading... stupid thing, I don't talk to anyone on there anymore anyway...
Anyway, better run, sounds like money/marbles/a shoe/the cat/any or all of the above are in my washer at the moment, so I better find out what's making the house shake.
Have a good Monday,

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Who's Margo, she said, and Smiled in her Special Way...(my own take on El Debarge)

My router or my laptop still is buggered up. I am going to break something very soon, because it means I have to sit in the basement instead of the kitchen. But let's not talk about it...

Ok, so I bought Jann Arden tickets today, and I can't figure something out. I went to ticketmaster, and found my seats, and went to buy them, and then registered. However, it kept telling me I already had an account, which I don't remember doing. We just bought tickets for the Wiggles (yup, going to the Wiggles with the kids - Hot Potato, Hot Potato...) but Rachel got those, so maybe it only allows you one email address or house address or something. Then, I went to pay, and it only gave me the option of one card, which was completely strange. LOL, of course, I had to think "what the hell is my limit on that one" because that is what I put my laptop on, and yada yada yada). I thought maybe I had registered before, back when I bought RENT tickets, or Crosby, Stills, Nash tickets, but I am pretty sure that those were before Ticketmaster moved into Saskatchewan - TicketMaster is new here. I got my Annie Lennox ticket from someone else, so I dunno. BUT, ok, I'll get to the final point - I am reading the paper tonight, and see an add for Jann, and it says "Tickets go on sale Monday, 10:00 a.m." WTF?? I just checked my email, and sure enough, there is my confirmation, so I don't know what in the hell is going on. Why would tickets go on sale Monday?? Calgary is already sold out. And if they don't go on sale until Monday, why the fuck am I stuck in row M? Oh it doesn't matter, because Rach will probably be too close to her due date to travel or something, or it will blizzard, or something... And why are tickets on sale 6 months ahead of time? Anyway, stangeness....

So I have really enjoyed reading my friend Margo's blog the past couple days - she's really getting into it. In fact, being the addictive OCD type that we are, it's really no surprise. Since I am always talking about her, let me just tell you a little about our history. I met "Margo" in Sept. 1985, in the beginning of 10th grade, in our good old remedial Algebra class (she is going to be mad at me for mentioning we were in remedial Algebra - "Algebra 10 R" - while every other 10th grade person was walking around with "MATH IS...4" as their text, us remedial math folk would shamefully hide our bright yellow "Basic Algebra" textbooks in bookbags, under coats, in the trunks of cars, and under beds, like it was pornography or something (trust me, it wasn't - I might of been mighty hormonal as a teenager, but sadly, X and trains leaving two stations at the same time just couldn't quite do it for me). Anyway, we signed up for this class, which ran ALL year, and I ended up becoming friends with a couple of Margo's friends the first week of classes. However, Margo I never really talked to her until I got moved in front of her. Well, we started talking a bit, and Margo, myself, and our friends in common decided to go to this dance together. Margo was trying to be all cool because she had this homegrown pot plant (which I mentioned in an earlier post) and rolled this big joint in a cigarette roller, and I supplied a mixture of stolen booze from my folks in a couple of Ragu jars. Well, I am pretty sure this plant of Margo's was probably an air fern or something, and well, a couple half empty Ragu jars shared among 4 people really didn't do a whole lot for us, but we sure pretended we were as blitzed as Liza and Barishnikov at Studio 54 or something. Anyway, Margo and I hit it off somehow around then - never anything physical at all, just really good, comfortable friendship.
So that year, we began eating lunch together with a revolving door of freaks and geeks (literally - we were hard to classify), each day in Margo's old Nova. You see, Margo had moved to Saskatchewan to live with her Dad, who was really cool, and she drove this car all the time, even though she only had a learner's permit. So, we all just told our parents that Margo was a year older than us to explain why she drove, much to her chagrin - she still gets mad that my parents think she failed grade two or something. Anyway, we hung out in the Nova, chain-smoking, listening to Duran Duran (Margo lived and breathed Duran, and wanted to form a band based on them, and she was so in love with Nick Rhodes), or Motley Crue's Theatre of Pain (hated Crue, but it was her car, or, LOL, Corey Hart's Boy in the Box).
So Margo and I spent our all-important high school years constantly together - we were each other's one constant, I guess you would say. We didn't really like the same music, we each had some different friends, but we always connected. We both had a probably unhealthy appetite for booze, and would think nothing of jumping in her old Nova and drive 40 miles into the bush, piss-drunk, looking for a party, and thank the good Lord that we lived to tell.
Margo was always loyal - always. She took a lot of shit at times too. I remember once, being particularly drunk, and one of our friends was just destroying my house - oh man, she was just knocking things over, throwing things around, and Margo was cleaning up after her, but what did I do? I was barging around, yelling "MARGO, you are wrecking my fucking house!" and then stomping off to put our drunk friend to bed. I'll never forget that one. Or another time, I broke a beer bottle in our friend's mother's car, and so we cleaned it up and sprayed 1/2 a can of Glade Rose scented spray. When our friend's mother asked about the smell, we just told her it was Margo's new perfume, and of course Margo was mortified that our friend's mother thought she wore Glade as perfume.... Or the time we were on the highway and I was drinking, and we got stopped, so I threw my beer in Margo's lovely acid-wash denim purse and the cop was all "I smell beer" and I piped up "it's her purse, I spilled on it when we left the party." We got away with it, but her poor purse had to be washed with her next load of jeans. These are just a couple examples. We weathered some hard times too. It was just Margo and her Dad, and I know she was lonesome for the rest of her family at times. In grade 11, her house burned down. I was with her when she got the call, and we ran down to watch her house go up in flames. I remember Crowded House's "Don't Dream It's Over" was on the radio as we went, and I couldn't listen to that song for years afterward. On, the plus side, Margo got to go on a huge spending spree after that when the insurance came in, but in typical Margo fashion, things went sort of wonky when she was forced to buy 30 new tapes at once, drew a blank, and came home with - this is hillarious - Bruce Willis' The Return of Bruno. LOLLLL, even Bruce can't pretend that album was any good.
She also performed the truest act of friendship - one night, whilst drinking, I somehow, and I say SOMEHOW because it happened too fast to notice, I inadvertently drank a 26 oz. bottle of Southern Comort in shots, in probably, I dunno, 20 mins? Don't ask why, because I don't know. Well, after a horribly embarassing time, that lasted an hour, I ended up in her bathroom, sitting on her toilet and puking in a bowl. Margo was holding my hand, and my head, and dumped the bowl into her sink... but there was kleenex in the sink... and it plugged... and she had to reach in and unplug it... If that isn't a true friend, I don't know what is!
So, the long and the short of it is, I have tons of Margo stories. Margo moved to be by her mother and to go to university when we were 20. It was her going away party where she was christened the nickname Margo Montana. I think the Margo came from me - I had this hard-on for Margo Timmons of the Cowboy Junkies, and Margo had this spiral perm that looked like Margo Timmons, so we just started calling her Margo - LOL, at least I think that's the story. On her going away party, we were drinking in a schoolyard after the bar closed, Margo, myself, and a couple others, and since she was reading Hollywood Wives at the time, with the character Montana in it, she named herself Margo Montana. Then we decided we were going to England next summer to "do the Duran Duran thing". I have no idea what that was, but hey, sounded like fun....
Anway, she moved away, and we still kept in touch, and during one visit, in I don't know, 95 or 96, on her last night in town, Margo and I went for coffee. She suggested we go to this lounge, so we could gamble and play VLT's. Well, we get there and she buys me a beer - and another - and another. So, I have this buzz on, and I think we are ready to leave, but she says to me "I have to tell you something...." and I immediately think she is dying or pregnant or something. Then she goes "I'm lebanese", a' la Ellen, and let me say, I was floored. I knew through the grapevine about a relationship she might have had when we were 17 with another woman, but it was all speculation and if it was true, I just thought maybe it was some drunken thing (I am telling you, we really DID drink a lot). But, here she was telling me she was gay. I was so honored that she chose me to be the first person to tell. It also made me relieved about her trip that she went on the past winter, where she went to visit "Mike", her internet "boyfriend" in L.A. I thought she was going to get murdered meeting some strange guy who had tons of money, but it turned out Mike was really Lana, who needed new kidneys and who was harmless. Also, it probably helped make sense of why we never had any romantic spark - we were friends, we were like siblings, but that's it. But it also symbolized how we can share anything with each other. We both, through much embarrassment, found out that we have each suffered panic attacks (don't think either of us has had one for a few years, knock wood, except when I go to the dentist). We have discussed our weight at length (we both yo-yo, and are both currently off the wagon in terms of diet), certain sexual acts (I made her a top 10 do's and don'ts which we still convulse in laughter whenever she finds it), and we both share an incredibly twisted, odd sense of humor, as well as a love for classic tv such as Facts of Life, One Day at a Time, and the Brady Bunch, and a love for John Hughes movies.
So, we still kept in touch with each other, and you know, I can't think of anyone else who I talk to as often as her, be it throw phone, email, or now through blogging. Rachel loves her to death too, and while I bitch and moan about so much trivial shit, I really am lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I am reminded of us, in grade 10, parked outside the donut shop, each drinking a bottle of apricot brandy, listening to "That's What Friends Are For", which was just released, and singing into our bottles. It became an anthem for us. I also think of her and I, having our hug good-bye the night she came out to me, both of us sorta drunk, in front of my house, Melissa's "Ain't it Heavy" playing in her car. Also, while Margo doesn't like Joni, I always think of her when I listen to "Good Friends" from Dog Eat Dog - "no hearts of gold, no nerves of steel, no blame for what we could or could not feel..... syncronized like magic, good friends you and me."
So that's Margo for ya - and Margo honey, don't get all sentimental on me - just thought since you comprise a part of the blog, enquiring minds need to know who the one neurotic sister is!
Well, hope that wasn't too boring, but sometimes you need a cast of characters. I guess I'll catch up on my blogs, and get my sorry ass to bed.
I hope everyone has a great Sunday,

Friday, April 15, 2005

Hmmm, If You Told me I'd Even Be Compelled to Mention Ashford and Simpson in a Post, I Wouldn't Have Believed You...

Ok, before I begin, a pet peeve that is costing me money: Has anyone else ever had a CD OR DVD break because of the stupid packaging? It happened to me once in the 90s - Kate Bush's The Red Shoes snapped like Esther Rolle's fingers after a particularly snarky quip to Jimmy Walker (I loved Ether Rolle - may she rest in peace). I took it back to the store and they repalced it. However, it's happened twice lately, and totally screwed up my life. First, after years of being a tightwad, I shelled out the money for Carly Simon's boxed set Clouds in My Coffee. It's so frigging good, especially cd 1. Well, one day while I was taking out cd 1, it just snapped as I tried to remove it from the case. So that broke, and I've been broken hearted, and of course I just can't afford to shell out another 100 smackeroos for one frigging disk that needs replacing. So then tonight, when I put Keryn to bed, she wanted to watch Flintstones with me, so I grab the DVD (season one, so it's 4 discs), and she tries to take a disc out, and it snaps in two. So, again, I am not going to spend $60 to replace one stupid dvd. Is it just me who distructive, trivial shit happens to?
Pet Peeve Number Two: Haven't been able to log on tonight to post comments. First, SOH had the funniest entry title ever - of course, now I can't remember it - something about soiling yourself. Anyway, I was laughing and laughing and tried to comment, but it wouldn't let me. Then I read Margo, who did a great post, and couldn't log in either. Then I couldn't log in to write here... I was a tad cranky.

Ok, so today was Friday, and it started off a tad rocky. I was up late last night, and Keryn woke up at 1:00 right after I fell asleep. I went to lay with her and she was all squirmy (I bet she was hungry as she didn't really like supper last night) and then I was finally dozing off at about 2:00 when Kim starts crying and crying, and Rach is yelling at me to come, and I guess Kim fell out of bed, but Rach was feeling sick last night, so she was all icky feeling, and I was thinking "OMG, I have a meeting in the morning, and I won't get any sleep..." and yada yada yada. So today the kids sleep in. I am up and ready at 8:00, when they usually wake up, and we usually head out the door by 8:30. Well, I am watching the weather channel, because there was this huge wind warning for the entire province (100 km gusts), and I keep nodding off, and the kids don't wake up until 8:30, so I am rushing them, because really, i should be at work at 8:30. Well Keryn is crying because she just wants to sit and cuddle and I am being all cranky, so then I felt guilty all day.
Work was blah, and then I drank 2 X-large Tim Horton's coffees and got all jumpy. Sharon came to sit in my office this afternoon and somehow I said I wanted to buy Green Day's American Idiot, and she said she did too, so we ran next door to the mall to buy it, but ended up hitting a sale at Randy River of all god-forsaken places, a 3 for $30 thing, so we got diverted by that. Man, we are so much alike, we bought the same hoody sweatshirt, so we can't wear them the same day. We did that once before, but both got too fat to wear those ones...
You know, a friend of mine told me this week something to the effect of "you are just the nicest person" and ever since then I have felt guilty, because I am so not. When I think of me and Margo or me and Sharon, we are really like Jerry and Elaine. For instance, I was reading this thing in Entertainment Weekly about Kelly Osborne, on some club thing in Miami. It goes like this:
3:30 a.m. "A thing, brown-skinned waif takes up dancing - rather oddly - in front of Kelly's table. "I like it that people are having a good time," says Kelly, "but this girl's a really crap dancer."
4:20 a.m. The crap dancer gushes in Kelly's ear momentarily about how big a fan she is, then returns to the dance floor. "I feel like an asshole for making fun of her," says Kelly sullenly. "She was really nice. She can't help it if she dances like a retard."

Ok, so this made me laugh, because I related to it. For instance, Sharon and I have had the conversation of trying to imagine everyone we work with having sex, and yes, it's a funny thing to do, but then in the back of my head I think "who the hell do you think you are? Have you looked at yourself naked in a mirror lately? And while we laugh at so and so's earthy nature or so and so's uptightness, can you imagine the picture they'd get of you?" LOL, that's just one example, but you get the picture. And don't get me started on Margo and myself. We had a friend in high school with hideous fuzzy hair (called her Poof), a friend with horrid teeth (called him Gums), and then, well, there was Hairy Heather, the older woman with the heart of gold who kept trying to sleep with me. When I think of these things now, I dunno - I am always ashamed of myself... but like Jerry and Elaine, you can't help it sometimes.... I don't know, I guess I just wish I was more - hmmmm - not "pure", but more.... genuinely innocent? Oh hell, forget it, I don't know what I am talking about. Leave it to me to read some snippet from Kelly fucking Osborne and get all stupid from it... LOL, maybe it's the caffeine withdrawal. By the way, I used to think Sharon Osborne was sexy - now let's never speak of this again.
So Rach won't let me adopt the 3 legged cat. She is smart, because we don't have room for another animal, and God forbid we end up like Kirstie Alley's house, but still... who the hell else is gonna save the poor thing?!?
I am going to try to get Jann Arden tickets tomorrow. She comes to Saskatoon in October - i hope Rachel won't be too uncomfortable to go - Rach is due in November.
Well, I am going to run and try to read some other blogs before I call it a night. Man, ever since Rosie's comments came back on, I've been finding all of these blogs.... I am already stressing out because I can't keep up to any of them. I had to ask my friend in Regina, who coincidentally reads this one blog that I do, what was happening - "How is their marriage? Did the son ship off for Iraq? Did she lose the weight?" LOLLLLL I so need help.
Ok, I best be out of here - hey, has anyone bought the Jane Fonda book? Is it worth the hardcover price?? Oh, and you will be glad to know that "Moonlight feels Right" is out of my head now, but I've had the line "Your Mama shouldn't have told you babies were made in Heaven" from "Babies" by Ashford and Simpson going through my head. This is the only line I know. It has also been going through my head all day, like some OCD thing... I don't even LIKE the song really..... Good Lord, I must be frigging crazy....give me another song to go into my head, damnit!
Have a Great Saturday,

Thursday, April 14, 2005

So what if Yoko Ono Doesn't Really Make Sense?

No real post tonight - long day, and Rachel is horribly nauseous right now, almost to the point of puking. She's never puked in any of her pregnancies, so I am thinking she is trying not to as a matter of pride.... oh hell, who am I kidding, she's trying not to puke, period. LOL, as she keeps telling me "next time YOU carry the baby for 9 months." She had her check up today, and heard the placental movement. She's 9 weeks today. Played with the girls outside tonight and they are so cute, Keryn kept saying "thanks daddy, this was a good idea." Oh man, I just want to spend every waking moment with them. What the hell will we do when they grow up? Holy shit, I just feel drained right now. Rosie posted about adoption (well, not entirely, but that's what I got out of it) and it brought up so much stuff from the past in my family that never will be resolved. But, anyway, whatever. Sorry this is so frigging boring, but I am serious, I really am not going to write my usual 80 billion words tonight, but instead go upstairs and read my new magazines in the tub before bed.... Oh, but two things: Survivor - anyone who jumps off that fucking thing deserves to go home. Honest to goodness.... and Apprentice: as much as I always want to hate Chris, his crying got to me. OH, and as much as I sorta liked Tania or whatever her name is - can you say "useless"? Well, for this week, I mean. And like, would it kill Caroline to smile?? Good Lord....
Ok, and one more thing - I am listening to Yoko Ono right now - yes I love Yoko Ono. I think she's the cat's ass (that's a positive expression that I lifted from Margo). My goal is to someday get Onobox, which is like a billion dollars. I think she's so cool - If I ever make it big, I'll buy a place in the Dakota and have tea with her on Sunday mornings (I would give my right testicle to even go into the Dakota). So anyway, back to Yoko - I am listening to Walking on Thin Ice right now, which if memory serves me right is the song she was recording the night John was murdered), and I don't really understand what the hell this song is about either, really. Of course, that's probably the point. I always read my students a snippet out of Grapefruit (her book) when I do my introductory poetry lecture in freshman English, and then tell them to analyze it... they look panicked, and then I go "just kidding!". LOL, my classes are a little off the beaten path...
Anyway, better go - have a great Friday.
Tomorrow is the weekend, y'all y'all y'all!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005


P.S. After finishing my blog tonight I checked Rosie, and she read my mind - on Idol Simon said something insinuating that only one of Vonzell or Nadia could stay -- like there couldn't be two Black girls, and it pissed me off so much, and lo and behold, my lil' Ro posted the same thing. It's freaky - we so need to get together and sing the themesong to Maude... Anyway, that was just a P.S. - I'll sign off like the last post, Liz Taylor style - The p.s. is now over, y'all, y'all, y'all!

Liz Taylor is Funny When She's High....

Good eeeevening,
Long freakin' day. It's 11:15 and just really sitting down for the first time now. Didn't go to work this a.m. - took Keryn to library storytime. Of course, at 9:30, she started crying and saying she didn't want to go, so we almost didn't, but then I told her I would ask the lady if I could stay in the room again with them (this was after talking to her for the last 2 weeks about how I will sit on the little chairs outside the story room waiting for her). So, I got her there and we asked the lady if I could stay and she was great about it, and then we went in, and she sat down but didn't want to let go of my hand, and then she did, and I told her I was sitting in the back. She came back and moved me closer to her, and then I kept sliding back more and more, and the story time began, and they sang a song and read a book and she kept looking back at me and waving and smiling, and then when they were doing this finger puppet thingy, she was right into it, and she turned again, I thought to wave at me, and she mouthed "Daddy, you can go sit on the little chairs" so I almost fell over, and left the room. Then of course I got all nervous - what if she has to pee? What if she gets scared? Blah blah blah - lol, I was all nervous and tense. Then the door opened later and they were having this big snack (it was some spring party day) and then we went and picked out books. Well, I was so proud of her for being so brave, since she gets so uncomfortable and scared when she's out of her element, that I got all choked up. You know, the moment we had kids, it just opened the floodgates. Honest to God, I fucking cry all the time. So then I think in my head "that's mighty nelly of you" (nelly is my term of the month), and I mean, it's really bad. Rachel can't quite figure it out. She thinks I am insane half the time - Case in point: Tonight I was telling her about this kid's book I was looking at last night at the library when I was waiting for my fines to be worked out. It was this book called like "Grandma's in the Stars" or something (should be called "Grandma is DEAD" because that's all it was about) and it was these nice pictures and it started with this picture of granny lying in bed saying "I was really sick, so sick I died", and then all these pictures of her hugging everyone who is asleep and saying good-bye. Good-bye son, good-bye cat, good-bye grandchild, good-bye garden, etc. Then it was a "one more time" and a final hug. WELLLL - this fucking thing gave me a huge lump in my throat, and I was telling Rach at supper about it, and I started to tell what I just typed. And then, I get to the "one more time" part and I couldn't speak. So then I was "Ok, ok, wait.. ok... so anyway... " and then i couldn't speak again. And then I started telling it all over again and my voice broke and I was all weepy, and she was reading the paper going "Oh my we go again" and I am laughing and laughing in between, but whenever I tried to tell it, I just couldn't. Then it ended, "hello, stars" and the old lady was in the stars. But I mean it - ever since we had kids, I just cry all the time. I am mush. And it just gets worse, so when this one is born, the nurses better look the fuck out, because it ain't gonna be pretty with my blubbering. Maybe it's having kids, and my parents being elderly now, but holy shit - honest to goodness..... I saw the little girl relative of Nadia crying tonight when she was voted out of Idol, and I felt sad for her... yeah, I know, get a grip.
So, I took Keryn to Petland after the library and she played with all the animals, and I pretended I was interested in rabbits so they would really give us attention. LOLOL, they are so gonna be hip to my jive soon. Then I picked up Arby's for Rach for lunch, because I never want to eat there and she loves it, but of course, after I buy all this food and bring it home, she was grossed out by it. She has her complete examination tomorrow - and she will be 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow. So anyhoooo, we were talking to my nephew Alexander about the cat I really liked at Petland, and it was a grown cat, and then he said at the SPCA there is this 3 legged cat and so I was all "Rach, let's save this cat - nobody else will" and she was all "oh for shit's sake, you can't save the world" but, LOL, I want this 3 legged cat. But I mean, Leslie said it best: "you are having your third baby, you have a dog and a cat, and there is no room left in your bed for a 3 legged cat." LOL, it's true...
So I had meetings ALL afternoon, didn't even make it into my office and check email or messages. Then I had to go back at 6:30 for another meeting, and then at 7:30 was the video conference thing of this speaker about all the happenings at work (long story I ain't going to get into) and it was so fucking boring, and I didn't get home until after 9:30, and the kids were up, but tired, so took forever to get Kim to sleep, and then watched the end of Idol and here I am. The upstairs looks like a hurricane went through it. I mean it - but I can't be bothered tonight, I really can't. And this post is really boring, but that's my day, and I can't be witty or anything tonight because I am sleepy. Had the shittiest sleep last night. I was awake more than I was asleep and I'd bet I got under 5 hours. So, I am going to head up now, because Rach and Kim are sleeping on the couch and when I wake her she will want a snack first (always needs something in her belly at this point), and then she'll have to get ready for bed, and then I will, and the whole process will take forever. So I better get started now.
May y'all have a wonderful day - hey, remember when Liz Taylor was all drugged up or drunk or whatever at the Golden Globes a couple of years ago, and she almost opened the envelope and read the winner before the nominees, and Dick Clark had to step in and save her? Well, at the end, she walked up and said... LOL... it was so damn funny.... "The Golden Globes are now over, y'all, y'all, y'all!!!!" with her arms widespread. OMG, it was so funny because she was so high, and so maybe I'll hijack her saying: "Tonight's post to the blog is over - Y'ALL, Y'ALL, Y'ALL!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Two for the Price of One

Wow, took 24 hours to publish yesterday's post. So, it's two for the price of one tonight. Anyway, short one tonight. Just had to comment on what a loser I am. So, as I mentioned before, I take Keryn to the library on Wednesdays for storytime - well, LOL, I took her once, and then it was cancelled the next week for Easter, and then last week we couldn't go, so tomorrow will be her second time. However I don't know if she'll sit by herself, because apparently, after 3 weeks, the parents aren't allowed in with the kids. Don't get me started, because I was so mad at the library and was going to boycott, but we'll give it one more try - I mustn't enable my baby in her shyness, I know, I know... Anyhooo, I thought I better finally take the books back that we've had out since... hell, I dunno - FALL? Oh, I should back up - I've had a book out for like a year, on my card, a terrible book called Invisible Eden, and it was so damn boring - true crime thing, and boring... just hideous. I read something in Vanity Fair on it and thought it would be good, but good lord, snoozefest. So anyway, my sister Leslie found it here in the fall in the book room (office or whatever you wanna call it, but it's got 4 7-foot shelves of books, so I just say bookroom) and read it, so I was hoping she had it. Well, she says she brought it back here. I couldn't find it tonight, so I just gathered all of Keryn's books, grabbed my library card, Rachel's card, and Keryn's card and went down there and said "just tell me what's not returned and the fines". Well, the poor librarian almost couldn't break the news to me, she was so sad. Get this: I lost the book, which is a $30 replacement fee, so in total, I have.... drumroll please.... $99 in library fines. Rachel has $54. Keryn has none. I was mortified. I felt like some dumb hillbilly who can't return books or something: "Duh, do you mean we take them back? I was fixin' to keep them and put in the fire so as we can be cookin' vittles, yes I was..." So, my immediate thought was "well, Keryn can still take books out, so right on, Rachel can pay her own damn fines, and I must find the boring book somewhere." OMG though, how stupid can we be? Like, we can't ever take library books back? My God, I am so mortified. So, yes, it's official - I am a loser.
Missed Amazing Race yet again. So I missed the two last week, and tonight. I give up, I really do. Maybe OLN will do a marathon or something before the season is up. I'll devote myself to Big Brother this summer though. Watched Idol tonight - That blond girl that Simon has the hard-on for had potential but she screwed the song up - "Love is a Battlefield". I didn't know what the hell lyrics were popping out of her mouth. Oh, and they loved the Ukrainian but I thought he was terrible. And Scott - terrible. But Constantine, as much as I don't want to like him - damn baby, he pulled off Bohemian Rhapsody somehow. But holy moly, Paula is drunk all the time or something strange. I can't figure it out. Hey, Hall and Oates were in the audience!!!!! If anyone reads this, I love Hall and Oates, by the way.
Speaking of music, I have had the annoying chorus from "Moonlight Feels Right" going through my head all day. It is driving me crazy. Especially since those are the only words I know, and then that weird keyboard riff that sounds like some strange xylophone. I bought the Joni Mitchell compilation "Dreamland" today because if I don't own everything she puts out, I feel disloyal. LOL, but it's a strange frigging compilation - I can't figure out why this group of songs is put together. You know, maybe I think to much, because who really cares about half the things that cross my mind?
Anyway, I am going to throw some clothes in the washer and then I am going up to read the Rat book. Have a wonderful day everyone.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Too Tired to Think of a Title, and Nobody Reads this Crap Anyway

Read some of the Jann Arden archives today - I still can't believe she actually bought this turkey in a box from Superstore. Everyone knows you don't buy meat from superstore. But, I am glad the whole turkey worked out for her. JANN HONEY, IF YOU ARE RECEIVING MY TELEPATHIC VIBES, DON'T BUY MEAT FROM SUPERSTORE - YOU'D BE SAFER TO EAT ROADKILL. Ok, my warning is sent, I can rest now. But you know, everyone should read Jann Arden's blog. It's good for the soul.
So Tracey Gold was on Oprah tonight blabbing about her drunk driving arrest. I wish she'd just suck it up and say "yeah, it was stupid, I didn't know I was drunk" and move on, but NOOOO, it was all this "I must warn all people" which, yes, is a good thing, and kudos for her. But, Oprah was all "every second of your life and every thing you do is a lesson meant to happen" and it was just driving me crazy. Sorry Ops baby, I sorta agree but I sorta don't. Anyhooo, it was just a tad too much.
OK, two things that annoy me: People who call McDonald's "Mickey D's!" and people who call Walmart "Wally World." Don't ask me why. It just does.
So, we lost a phone. Not just the handset, but the base as well. Our stupid cordless died like 2 months ago, and so we've been using just an old plug-in phone (or LAND LINE) as Margo would call it (which sounds like it should be some big receiver sticking out of a shoebox that we radio in to use from a ship or something). So anyway, when Rach's parents got back from the states, they bought this fancy-dancy new phone and told us to take their old cordless. Well, do you think we have any idea where we put it? We've pulled apart the cars, the garage, the basement, all in the thoughts that it got put with something else when we brought it in, but we can't find it anywhere. I guess the landline will have to suffice....
Oh how I wish it was the weekend. Oh, get this - watched Fear Factor tonight, and I've been really disturbed at how steroidish Joe Rogan looks now. Freakishly puffed out. Well, at Value Village the other day, I bought a stack of magazines and one of them was an old Men's Fitness with none other than Joe on the cover and inside is all his workout tips or some such thing. Well, he is more flexible than a ferret. Seriously, it's gross. He's doing all these stretching things, and he can like stand there and then bend over and touch his chin to his knees. Totally frigging freakish.
Well, I am going to run up and do the tooth ritual and hit the hay. I got my ebay whitener and it seems just as good as the dentist stuff, but perhaps more runny or something, or foamy or something. My teeth are sensitive as a son of a bitch today, so that must be a good sign.... lol.
Ok, off to bed, I'm am pooped out!

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Soybomb, Gordon Downey, and Tori Amos - Separated at Birth.

Just read Jann Arden's latest, and laughed my ass off, and it is also syncronicity too. You see, I was going to post about the Junos too, specifically about Gordon Downey, but Jann beat me to it. However, unlike our Jann, I thought he was completely insane. I am not talking about the who "my daddy" speech thing, but the performance. Like, what the hell was that? He was all spastic and growling and yelping and I had no idea what in the hell was going on, and did he mean to knock over the microphone? It was kinda like when Soybomb sabbatoged Dylan at the Grammies back in 96 or 97 and started flailing around the stage - I thought he was just part of the act until I found out he was some performance artist who rushed the stage. I remember vividly watching this stupid Dylan performance and then this shirtless guy with Soy Bomb written on his tummy rushing on and dancing and flailing, and just thinking "Oh for the love of God, I don't understand this thing". LOL, because I really don't understand a lot of things, and always wonder if I am the only one who doesn't get it.
Like Tori Amos. I was just transfixed by her back in the 90s when Under the Pink was released so I ran out and bought it, and then read the lyrics. Now, I still love to listen to "Cornflake Girl", but I remember reading the lyrics and wondering what "never was a cornflake girl, thought it was a good solution hanging with the raisin girls, she's gone to the other side, with my encyclopedia...this a this a this is not really happening.. you bet your life it is... just peel, out the watchword, just peel... out the watch word" all meant. I actually sat there thinking "ok, the raisin girls must represent something, and the "watch word" that is peeled, is emblematic of something, and why don't I get it?" Then, 10 years later it came to me - Tori is crazy. The end.
LOLOL, I mean, I don't know why that should have preoccupied me, because I've always been a huge goth and industrial fan, and that all never made a whole hell of a lot of sense lyrically other than everything is doomed, but good ole Tori made me wonder. Oh, and REM - it wasn't until recently that I realized that it's ok for me not to understand most of their songs. It's OK. LOLOLLLLLLL, I remember trying to make sense of the Sugarcubes' "Cold Sweat" and the lines "this is hot meat, this is metallic blood this is hot meeeeeaaaat". ROFL, gotta love the Icelandic translations.
Hey, who was Jann talking about, the Idol guy at the Junos? Kalan or that first one, Ryan Malcolm, or Malcolm Ryan? I can't stand that Malcolm Ryan/Ryan Malcolm dude - he is so full of himself and snotty and shit. Kalan on the other hand, is just, well, too blah and bland. He is performing in Melfort with Theresa from Idol - it doesn't surprise me in the least.
Ok, so that was a good diversion. Wish it was still the weekend. Wish we could just stay home tomorrow and eat bon bons. I am also so pissed off that Winners is closing here - I am sure it is because the workers were going to unionize - if this proves to be the case, I will forever boycott. Of course, since Winners is where all the cheap underwear is, I will never buy underwear again. So please, rally the company so I can have new knickers!
Well, I guess I better go on up to bed. Happy Monday tomorrow... ugh.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

p.s. Rosie and I buy pregnancy tests in bulk - Alert the Enquirer!

Ok, yeah, verbal shits yet again, but I just caught up on Rosie and laughed my ass off about her post on buying pregnancy tests. Each time Rachel gets pregnant, I am never satisfied with one - even though I know you really can't screw up a positive and if it's any bit positive, well, the now proverbial rabbit died. So this time, we decided on Valentine's Day to start trying. Rach was just finishing her period then, and we thought it would be a couple of months. So, to get prepared, and to get more Shoppers Optimum points (I am an addict, and have enough for TWO $75 shopping sprees), I bought two life brand tests (500 bonus points) about a week after V Day. Fast forward 4 weeks. Rachel is due to have her period around Thursday, and on Tuesday morning, she feels sort of period-y in the morning and I see her pack a couple Tampax into her bag. Then that night in the kitchen I hugged her and grabbed her waist and she said "oh, no period" and that made me all wondering maybe.... just maybe.... so the next day, still nothing, so I was shopping with the girls in Walmart and grabbed a 2 pack of "First Repsonse" because they can detect the hormone up to 4 days before you are due to get the old visit from Aunt Flo. So we go home, Rach comes home from work, and she takes a test... and the line starts to form. Well, just to make sure, she takes another one later... lol, and another one in the morning... lol, and later that day she asks if I have anything for her to piss on... LOLOL... I somehow think we took 6 tests. Same with Kim and Keryn - With Keryn, we took like 4 or something in like 12 hours and then went to the doctor the same day. With Kim, I think we took at least 4. LOL, with Kim, there was this REALLY loud, chatty snoopy dude who used to work at Shoppers down by my house, and he had comments for everything. Like the one time, I was buying condoms and apparently they were expensive because I got a couple things and he somehow didn't notice I bought them and then when the price was so high he was all "why is this so expensive?" and he then looked in the bag and went "OH!" and got all stupid and I mean, what the fuck do I care, and I just wanted to blurt out "yup, gonna have sex... 12 times, until they are all gone". But anyway, I get him one night when we are trying to get pregnant the second time, and he looks at the test at the till and says "is this good news?" and I mean, I so wanted to just yell "no... no.... my girlfriend is only 12" or something. So, keep this in mind, because the next month, when Rachel really does get pregnant with Kim, and I go to buy the test, I get him again, and he says "yeah... I just sold one of these tonight to a girl who couldn't be more than 14" and I mean, what the hell do I care, because I am so excited and just want to get home and have Rach pee on the stick. I just went "hmmmm, tsk tsk". I made a mental note not to go there if my hemoroid ever came back, because I'd have to hear about how some old biddy bought it in bulk or something. So anyway, Rosie's post reminded me of that. And the dude at Shoppers? Works at Canadian Tire now - probably telling customers about all the previous customers buying plungers and other such things.

The Weather Network, Sally Jessy, my spastic foot, and an eggy sandwich thrown in for good measure

Ok, well, a tad bit pissy at the moment because I was writing comments like a son of a bitch to Margo's latest post (, and then, like the moron that I am, my big Fred Flintstone foot just taps the switch on my computer so I lost it all. So, I will just address a little of what I lost on my blog. She was saying that her nephew listens to Raffi, and my reply was that Keryn had a Sharon Lois and Bram tape, but her alltime favorite was James Taylor's "That's Why I'm Here" cd, especially "Only One". When we went to B.C. when she was one year old, we had to play it over and over the whole way. We were ready to throw the damn thing out of the window by the time the trip was done, but now it's become a sentimental favorite.
Anyway, what was up today... let's see... Started out with Keryn trying to give me breakfast in bed, but I didn't know, so I got up and she was yelling "Daddy, go to bed!" so I went back and the Rach yells, "OMG Kim pooped on the floor, help!" So I had to go and clean up the poop, and her, and then go back to bed and pretend to sleep so Keryn could bring me my "eggy sandwich". LOL, it was so sweet, even though the thought of eggs in the morning usually makes me want to hurl. Then we tried to clean up this hideous disaster, and when that wasn't working, we took the kids outside and did yardwork - got my front lawn raked and the sandbox cleaned up. Then took the kids to Petland and I pretended I was going to buy this Dashound.... LOL, well, I hate making them take the animals out when they know you won't buy them, so I just pretended like it was my life's ambition to have a dashound to love. So, house hasn't been cleaned yet, but maybe tomorrow. It's supposed to rain, so we will most likely be housebound anyway.
Ok, gripe number one: The Weather Network. So Thursday and Friday had been strangely hot. It was 24 and 26 degrees on these days, and the hot spot in Canada was in Sask. both days. Average temp should be like 7 or something. So, that's news, isn't it? You'd think so, but NO, good old Eastern-Centric-Toronto-is-the-center-of-Canada Weather Channel just says, "oh, it was hot in Sask. the past couple days, but look out, it's cooling off, and look, the south west has a snow warning. BUT OH, Ontario, you will feel the heat soon!" and the dude goes on to say how it will be 15 across the province and give the temps for the next week. And so I am sitting here thinking "he said snowfall warning for the southwest - where - how much? when? Then of course, they give the fucking conditions at Pickle Lake, and I mean, who outside of Pickle Lake gives a shit, or knows where Pickle Lake is???? Oh, don't get me started. I mean, we are amidst extreme weather, but no, let's just find out that the ice will soon go off the Lake in Ontario... ARGH. Of course, they do their western bit by showing the always pointless Oga Nbowski in these long frigging clips, walking in Vancouver and marveling at some weather thing and talking to people on the street. And I mean, it's Vancouver. It either rains, or it doesn't. Nothing extreme, so why are they paying Oga the big bucks to report that "the tulips are blooming in February, just like clockwork - what does the man on the street think?" While we sit here on the prairies and get frozen to death or roast to death in the summer, or have 26 degree heat one day, snow in parts the next day, and nobody gives a shit about it. But oh, someone in Ontario farts, and they measure the velocity for the next two weeks.... LOL, sorry, I am all caffeined up again.
Margo suggested that the Whore would be a good candidate for Maury. I totally agree. She really could go on there and be asked "who your baby Daddy?" Hey, actually, the Sally Jessy Raphael show actually contacted these people I know back in the day and REALLY pressured them to come on. I mean, REALLY pressured them. LOLOL, I guess we should have known it was the beginning of the end for the show when they call up some trailer trash in Sask. and try to get them on the show. Now, I know, I sound all snotty and mean when I say "the whore" and "Trailer trash", but really, 2/3 of the parties in the Sally thing really WERE trailer trash. You see, this couple I knew, Hobbes and Vanna, were really dysfunctional - she got knocked up by him when we were in highschool and married him, and then he was friends with spooky Pam, and Vanna thought they were sleeping together, so Hobbes and Pam called Sally and they wanted the three of them to go on the show and take a lie detector that they never slept together. I didn't believe any of this, but my friend Blaire was still friends with Vanna and Hobbes and swore on a 100 Bibles this was all true. LOLOL OMG, it still freaks me out the people that I knew..... Margo, I know you are sitting there scratching your head wondering who I am talking about, but I didn't change Pam's name, so think of the only freaky Pam you know, and then figure out Blaire, Hobbes, and Vanna - easy peasy.
Well, call me Britney Spears, and not because I have man-boobs (really, I don't - I may be rotund, but thankfully, the chest didn't turn all Simon Cowell-y). Call me Britney because oops, I did it again. I just touched the "off" switch with my foot. So, as soon as I realized I hit it, I quickly held my foot in place and then hit "Save draft". You see, they were playing "High School Confidential" by Rough Trade, and I was tapping my foot, of course.... Now the 12 inch of Howard Jones' "New Song" is on.... I thought he was so cool when I was 13.... LOL, I will so be turning this damned thing off again sometime soon.
I had a dream I was smoking. Man, I hope the feeling will totally go away. But in my dream, it was one of those times when you smoke too much and you are all hoarse and phlegmy and feel gross - like after a night of drinking. Hey, my sister Libby's mother in law calls phlegm "fleg-am". She's just so damn cute!
Hey, the Rat book is awesome! It's a must read. Well, if you are into reading about a guy who studies rats in an alley in New York for a year.... which, of course, I am.....
Ok, I am gonna catch up with Jann Arden or something. Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars,