Saturday, February 26, 2011

blah blah blah

Ok, so I watched Survivor tonight, and I still don't quite understand Chaka Khan's comment about how I will understand how Survivor will all piece together. As far as I can see, Russell is outed, but that... well, I want to call him a cunt, but people hate that word, so I'll call him a dick.... Rob.... still seems in control of everything, and since I think he's the devil, I am still not impressed. GO THE HELL HOME, ASSHOLE!
There, had to get that off my chest.
I have to admit I always sort of liked Russell, but at the same time, he's so awful. I am happy that guy found the idol, but really, would it have killed you to shave your shoulders before you arrived on the island? Because that shit is way too distracting.
In a totally non-related stream of consciousness, I am just realizing my cat will be THIRTEEN this fall. How can she be 13?!? OMG I am living in fear of her dying. If any of you know me in real life, you will remember that back in like 2002, when she was a mere 4 years old, she developed a case of "hemo-bartinella" (which I didn't spell correctly, but whatever - it's sort of like cat leukemia, in that her white blood cells were destroyed. The vet thought she was a goner, and we bawled soooo much. Then she somehow pulled through). Then she got outside (she was a complete indoor cat) and took off for 3 weeks in minus 30 weather. I put everything away and Rachel almost bought me a new kitten, I was so distraught (but it wasn't that horrid as it was the same time we discovered she was knocked up with kid # 2).. But then one morning, 24 days later, she showed up on our doorstep, skinny and gross. It was a miracle.
So now I dread the day. I dunno if it will be tomorrow or 5 years from now. All I know is that she's special. And it's gonna be hard.
LOLOLOL, GEEZ, I am really positive tonight, aren't I? Anne Murray is singing "Amazing Grace" right now on some commercial about poor African kids. Geez, thanks Anne.
Anyway, I better get to bed. Hopefully, Boston Rob will get the boot next week and all will be well with the world. And is it cold as a witch's' tit where you are? Because it's brutal here!
Peace Out.

Friday, February 25, 2011

An Open Letter to Mark Burnette and Jeff Probst, regarding the train-wreck that is Survivor: Redemption Island.

Please keep in mind that I have yet to watch last night's episode - so all of this is based on the first episode of Survivor: It's-Getting-Tired-tu, or whatever it's called.
Look, I know that after so many seasons, it's not like anything is going to be earth-shattering, and a lot of it will seem tired and contrived. I get that. WE, the collective Survivor watchers, get that. We know it's predictable now, with the majority of the people in their 20s, most of them good-looking in the sense that they aren't UGLY, and there will usually be someone gay, someone black, perhaps an Asian or a one-legged girl, a hillbilly, the spunky old woman who won't win because she's secretly either dying of lung cancer or she's just too crazy to be there, the slutty girl who will flirt to get her way, a couple pretty-boys who will sculpt their beards but for some reason will not have a single hair on the chests, backs, or armpits the entire time, etc. Gone are the days of the Outback, or Africa, where the contestants were literally starving and had their eyes sunk into their heads like African foster kids, and the women had hairy legs, and everyone had nits. I seriously wonder about what kind of toiletries they have now. Let me tell you, when it's a holiday week and I don't shower for a few days, my hair turns into some sort of Pee-Wee Herman kind of deal, and this never occurs in a rain forest. How is it that they don't have shit in their teeth and their hair isn't looking like an oil slick? I can brush my teeth 3 times a day, but if I eat a peanut, my teeth will be full of chunks and shit - so how can these people eat 14 coconuts a day and still smile with pearly whites? Someone is slipping them toothbrushes and razors and shampoo. Whatever - it takes some of the adventure out of the whole thing, but whatever - nothing else is on Wednesdays, I guess.
However, I *AM* insulted by this season. I am all for twists, and redemption Island will be interesting. But, I am completely INSULTED that they had to include Russell and Boston Rob.
What a fucking crock of shit! Excuse my swearing, but REALLY. They have those two on there like they are some sort of Survivor experts. Sorry, but if they were EXPERTS, they'd have won the fucking thing by now - they have been given enough chances. I mean, seriously, HOW many times can we see Rob on there? And he's just horrible. From the second I first saw him, I knew his number. Let me tell you, this was Boston Rob: he was a schoolyard bully, calling the weak kids faggot. He most likely roughed up some girlfriend or other, because he was stronger, and made her feel like a stripper. But then he went to Mass and it was all OK. I get that M.O. We all know it. And, Mark Burnett, how fucking FAIR is it to keep having his dick on the show? Ok, so you think it's all a ratings game, but I would rather see Tina or Jerri or someone who WORKED for it, to be a repeat offender. Boston Rob has never won HOW many times? And he lost the Amazing Race... so WHY are you rewarding him again? If that is the American way, I demand Al Gore be elected president for two terms too - he didn't win either!
Fuck me gently.... obviously, Boston Rob couldn't win a beauty contest if all the contestants were disfigured pygmies, so why try to make us believe that he's so superior and Mr. Survivor? Same with Russell. I don't mind him that much, but let's call a spade a spade. Russell spends many lunches in stripper bars, shoving $20 bills up the skanky vaginas of girls named Britney and Rainbow, and he also has a little fetish for demeaning women. But whatever - he will never win because he's ultimately a little crazy. Anyway, I, as a Survivor viewer, am insulted that these two losers were brought back.
And then it seems like Redemption Island was created for them - like "if someone dummies up and votes these psychopaths out, we'll find a way to bring you back." Really? WTF? Basically, you are saying, "We want to give $1,000,000 to Rob or Rupert, come hell or high water, and these other archetypes we brought in are just the pawns to get them there." Well, it's your dime, but I am not sure if I even want to finish this season. Very disappointed in you, Burnett, et al. Because it's like "Oh, we'll put them on an island in case one of these new people vote them out." And then you throw the crazy in there. That Black woman and the older woman had it figured out - get rid of Rob. But you made sure you threw that crazy in there to screw it up. Nobody stepped in when Tina got voted out of All-Stars the first tribal council, but oh, you will do anything to keep these retards in, even if it means bringing in the mentally unstable, which is just bad taste on you.
So I really hope Burnett and Probst can sleep at night - it's like you are covered in sleaze.
Peace Out.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Goood morning Vietnam!

Gooood morning Vietnam!!
Ok, I admit - I've never seen that movie. All I know is Robin Williams yelling that phrase. It has something to do with Vietnam. And possibly a radio.
I am just not into those war movies. Maybe it's because I don't think I was really alive in the time of Vietnam, but I just don't get the significance, and then I feel bad because I don't get it. Sure, I get the draft and fighting the senseless war and stuff, but the only things I know about war and the army are 12 seasons of MASH. So, when I see some war thing, I always try to equate it to people living in huts and drinking martinis and big, thick-armed nurses, and little guys like Radar with stubby fingers, and hairy cross-dressers. Hell, I guess the only thing I learned from Mash was that Grape Ne-Hi was pop. so anyway, since I know nothing of the military, these movies never make sense to me. I think I remember being forced to watch that one movie where Michael J. Fox was a soldier, back when he was trying to be a serious actor, but fuck if I could keep my mind on what was going on.
And I will admit this here - even through all my years of schooling, where I went to freakin' graduate school to study English, and even though I somehow defied ALL odds and developed a love of British Modernism and by the end could say I actually think i UNDERSTOOD and APPRECIATED Virginia Woolf, Joyce, et al, I have never understood the big fucking hoo-ha of Conrad's Heart of Darkness. For those who were never forced to read it, oh, 5 years in a row, it's the book that Apocalypse Now was based on. Again, that fucking thing didn't ever hold my attention. Maybe something is just wrong with me. I remember a few years ago trying my damndest to get this student registered in a Military History class, and I just wanted to grab him by his shoulders and scream "WHY IS THIS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU?"
Anyway, that was an unplanned tangent from out of nowhere. So good morning Vietnam, anyways, people.
Speaking of my short attention span, we took the kids to Gnomio and Juliet today, and when the credits were rolling at the end, everyone was all "wow, the little deer/fawn was voiced by Ozzy Osborne", and I was all "WHAT little dear/fawn?" Seriously, I missed that thing completely. It was an ok movie for kids, but once my mind wanders, screw it. I remember being dragged to Alienation by Margo (who I don't believe knows that I still blog) and I have never had a nicer sleep. I DO remember this one scene, where we learned that the aliens' genitals were in their armpits, and they were rubbing all over these poles, and it was really funny, but otherwise? I got nudged for snoring.
I do want to see the Aniston/Sandler movie, whatever the hell it's called. Of course, we don't go to adult movies, and we don't rent movies, so it aint gonna happen. I'm pretty sure it won't win an Oscar anyway.
Thank Sweet Jesus for this big honkin' imac. I don't remember if I kvetched (I think my family tree goes back to Jewish roots, so I am practicing my Yiddish) about Project Runway 8, but we didn't know it was on until someone told us - after we missed 3 episodes. Long story short, I've just been picking up this baby and plugging her in, and putting her on top of the entertainment centre, and we've been watching the missed ones online. God bless Steve Jobs.
I hate when I go to blog and I have sweet bugger all to say. I was on itunes last night, and I had like a 40 dollar credit, and I couldn't think of anything to d/l. I did end up d/l ing one of my favourite songs, "That's Allright" by Fleetwood Mac. Y'all probably won't think it's that wonderful, but I love that song, and have since the moment I heard it almost 30 years ago - I still remember the first time I heard it. Anyway, the cd it's from, Mirage, seriously needs to be remastered, as the sound is so terrible and the levels low, so I was hoping an electronic version would be better and downloaded the song. It sorta IS better.
I also downloaded Device's "Hangin' on a Heart Attack" and the Divinyls' "Pleasure and Pain". Two sort of obscure songs that I always have loved. LOL I almost downloaded "White Horse" by Laid Back, but I couldn't find the 6 minute album version. I need help.
Oh, and in a fit of weakness, I downloaded the Fixx's "Reach the Beach" because I had this odd desire to hear "Sign of Fire" and "Saved by Zero". I freakin' looooved The Fixx.
Anyway - the kicker? After I spent the money, I realized I OWNED their fucking greatest hits, with all the songs I wanted to hear. Idiot much?
OH! I've been listening to the new Stevie single a lot lately. I am falling in love with it. At first it sounded like a castoff from "Trouble in Shangri-la, but I've had it on my ipod the last few times we've gone to the track, and I really dig the rhyme scheme, etc. It's really good, when you get into it. You know, I would rather have dinner with her THan with Joni. Please don't tell my Joni peeps. Or Joni. God knows she's full of herself. lololol oh I talk too much - again I''m too open and free.... LOL..
Anyway, I have nothing to even say with this post so I'll say Goodnight Saigon to y'all!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Oprah, my hypocritical friend, and other terms of endearment.

You know how I'm such a freakish MAC person now? Well, I'm still.... retarded... or whatever word you want to use... in terms of how to use the frigging thing. Case in point: I just went through another SD card to upload my pics of Bryce Canyon to FB, so that I can perhaps convince a certain someone to cancel a trip to Vegas and instead rendezvous in Utah with all the Mormons. However, fuck if I remember an easy way to import photos from iphotos to FB. It's the little things that get lost. I guess I should look for a MAC for Dummies book or something.
Anyway, it's been quite the fucking day, but I can't even get into it because it involves my sister and since i never finished the backfill of that long story, I cannot begin to go into it tonight. Let's just say that it's completely fucked up. Maybe on the weekend I'll try to explain. It will take a box of wine and a good 2 hours though - just warning you.
Anyway, something just happened and my photo album for Utah went kaput. I tell ya, it's nothing but trouble trying to teach an old dog new tricks.
Oh, so back to the wonders of the internet. The other night, I was wondering why it is that cocaine is so expensive, yet crack is cheap, so I googled it, and got complicated answers that I am not sure I really understand, but still..... it's got something to do with melting the coke and throwing in some baking soda or something. But before the internet? You'd have to search through every old Time magazine at the doctor's office before you'd find an answer to that one.
I really have nothing at all to say. I should be in bed, but I am just trying to sit here and forget the stressful day - the sister drama day.
What can I talk about.... I've already spewed my hatred regarding the Pinkett/Smith family on FB, so i won't go there now, I guess. But I know I was going to go all postal on Oprah again in a previous post that I didn't get around to writing.
I guess it's just that it's Oprah's final year, and I find none of it interesting. It's like Oprah is just going through the motions, and not convincingly either. Every time I look at my Guide, it's "All New!" with the exclamation points, and then it's something lame like "the ladies of the View talk about having that not so fresh feeling" or whatever. Total Lame. And you just know that she is having these people on just because Kitty Kelley wrote that book that said Oprah hated Whoopi, so now the Whoopster has been on 14 times this season just to make it look good.
I am puzzled, however, that she is having Carrie Fisher on tomorrow (or maybe it was today), since Carrie basically outed Travolta last month. As we all know, Oprah is best friends with him. And that, my friends, is the rub. You see, Oprah spends so much fucking time telling all of the world that we aren't living our full potential, and that we need to seek our real truth. And she has done all those shows about men on the down low, but yet, someone like Travolta, who apparently is quite gay, and who Carrie Fisher has said "we all know he's gay and we don't care", is someone Oprah would never say that to. My coworker, Frenchie, was in Mexico before Xmas, and she said that they went on this tour thing, and the tour guide pointed to the rich houses and the one that travolta owns, and said "he was just here last week with his boyfriend", and it was all news to her. But if that's the case, WHY doesn't oprah have him on and do a James Frey on him and berate him for not being true to himself? Because she is also a fucking hypocrite. She gets stars in her eyes just like us, and so she won't call him out for sucking dick, but yet some poor slob in Peoria, Illinois, will take a beating because he isn't living his "best life" by being some closet case.
And then there is the the whole Scientology thing - we all know that shit is a cult, pure and simple. Yet, the Opster doesn't have enough balls to call anyone out because of it. Let me just throw this out to the universe - someone give me enough money to retire on, and I'll go on TV and just disturb the shit: Scientologists? I'll call them a cult. Travolta and Cruise? I'll call them gay. Donatella Versace? I'll call you ugggllllyy. Bob Greene? I'll call you a failure - if you don't have her in shape after 16 years, what the fuck hope do the rest of us have??
Ah well, enough about Oprah. I guess I am just annoyed that she looks so bored and so big and so uncomfortable. AND, here in Canada, or "Canadia" as this stupid bitch called it at the Eddy Bauer in St. George, Utah, they are replacing "Viva" with the Oprah channel. I don't WANT a fucking Oprah channel. Fuck that shit.
Anyway, I really have nothing else to say, so I better get a runnin'. I'll yak at y'all soon.
BTW - Rocky, i've posted like 3 times since YOUR last post - something is rotten in the state of Denmark, honey,,,,

Sunday, February 13, 2011

You can Go Your Own Way

So I was just on the Facebook because I have absolutely nothing to do, and it was so bad I was even clicking on people I really have no connection with to see what the hell they were up to, and I discovered something. I clicked on this one person and her recent activity was in regards to someone's status, and she said "Oh, I love it". And I thought, "hey, I am FB friends with this other person. How come I didn't see this status" and I realized I had been dumped. It wasn't anyone I particularly like, or anything. It was someone who was a student at one time where I work. She is, I think, bipolar or something, but she's a good student, and when she's up, she's UP. I actually didn't answer her friend request for like a month or two, but then thought maybe I should, since she had so many friends of MINE on there. But somehow, she's dumped me. She has 301 friends. I am not sure why I would have been cut, as I don't think we've had more than 2 conversations in the past year, and that's when we've bumped into each other. So I am not mad, but just... well, puzzled at why she'd seek me out and add me, and then dump me. Oh, who the hell cares. She's a fucking loon. But the FB dump is a hard one. I was dumped by a friend from high school a year or two ago, and now I hate him. It doesn't matter that we have nothing in common now that he has discovered his Indian roots and spends his time on the powwow trail and with his drum group. The point is, I was dumped. I never dump anyone, because I don't want to offend.
LOL, of course, I refused to add someone who was one of my best friends during my teen years. Instead, I have done this passive/aggressive thing, where her old best friend and I pretend we are ultra close and spend holidays together, and pretend we run in the same circles, just because it makes her jealous. Childish? Yes. But OMG, it is so much fun. Pay attention to my FB comments and posts, and you will figure out who i am talking about. LOLOL. It's evil what we do.
So yeah, dump me on FB?? Fuuuuuuck you!
Anyway, I should be in bed, but I'm too stupid to actually do it. I don't know why I am a night owl. Think how productive I would be in the day if I actually didn't yawn and bitch and need a pot of coffee to function...
Ok, so today? My neighbour "Lane" came over. I dunno if I ever mentioned them, but two doors down (and a laughing and a drinkin' and having a party... LOL or however that song goes), my daughters' friend, "Jim" moved in about a year and a half ago. Long story short, at Xmas, we noticed something was up, and Jim's mama moved out with her three kids. Today was the first time we saw Lane, and he filled us in on everything. Let me say this to you all: If you are in a reasonably happy relationship, go right now and hug your significant other, because others know heartache by the numbers, and it's not pretty. Seriously. Hug them and tell them how much they enhance your lives. Throw in some sexual favours to show your sincerity. Whatever it takes. Ever since meeting Lane, I have admired him. His wife, Lola, has 2 kids from former relationships. The oldest is 14, and the next one is 7, and then there is the child she has with Lane, who is 4. Since 2 of our kids are the same age, they played together all the time., and their oldest was actually our babysitter all Autumn 2 days a week. Lane is simply one of those guys you hope your daughter will bring home: he's maybe a little redneck (he's from a little town and a little bit country) but he's honest, a hard worker, and responsible. Anyway, he wouldn't exactly "dish" (that sounds too... gay), but I take it that she found a new baby daddy before she left. Anyway, when we found out, right after Xmas, that they were splitting up, we were so sad, it ruined our weekend. And now that we finally talked to him, we are sad all over again. All the single ladies? Call me, and I'll set you up.
And the kicker is, even though the older two kids AREN'T his biologically, he still wants to be their dad. Life isn't fair..... If any single lady wants to relocate to my fine province, I got a fella who will make your Daddy happy
What else... I dunno.... I have self diagnosed my "problems" as a prostate infection. I think it was bugging me BEFORE the neutering, so I can't blame it on that. Let me just say that until you are a man and have experienced the bizarre pain that I have, you can't explain it. But all the websites I visited noted that the infection of the prostate usually occurs in my age range - 30 to 50 - and some of the "tests" sound like buggers, so here is hoping that the antibiotics will cure it before it comes to that. Let me just say that, when women always act superior and say something about passing a watermelon through their hoo-hoo's, it's a totally different story when you are a man and think "I am pretty sure there is a watermelon attached by a cord to both hips, and they are bearing down at the same time towards my sweet penis." And then there are the drugs I'm on for the next two weeks - I could sell them to anorexic teens... enough said.
Anyway, I had a whole Oprah rant in my mind, but it will wait until next time. I didn't realize the time.
just beware - FB dump me, and you'll face my wrath.... hahahahaahhahaahhah!

Friday, February 11, 2011

dis n dat

Ok, so I really don't know what the fuck is happening in Egypt. They are all freaking out and rioting and making all the foreigners flee - I get that part. It's got something to do with the President, or El Presidente, or whatever, but still, I don't know why shaking down foreigners would be a good ploy. But I do know someone personally who has a sister in law, named Go-Go (true story) who was working in Egypt and had to flee and fly to Germany or France or something, and had to pay a mitt-full of money to get out.
And now, since I have no news, I hear through the grapevine, that this tyrant who ran the country, is gone. I dunno why they wanted him out, or what he ever did to them, but the Facebook is full of all this positive Egypt shit, so let me just say "VIVA LA EGYPT LIBERATIONE!" I know they aren't Spanish, but I can't find Egyptian characters on my keyboard. Save that shit for Susanna Huffs, of Hoffs, or whatever it is - she made enough money off of the Egyptians to choke a horse. Or did she? Who did write that putrid song?
Oh who the hell cares....
It's odd I am not googling or wikipedia'ing that tidbit. Lord knows that's all I've been doing lately. Remember back in the day when if you wanted to know something you went to the library and looked shit up in the old World Book? Well, nowadays, you just go to Wikipedia. I literally have BAGS under my eyes that are horridly visible, because I have stayed up too late this week reading odd Wikipedia entries. It's just so bizarre how you can have a Cliff/Coles Notes version of stuff at your fingertips. For example, the past two summers, as we drove through the California desert, we passed the freaky-ass town of Baker, California, which is in the middle of nowhere, parallel to Route 66, and there are all these signs for.... I think it's "Xyxzzyzz Road" or something like that. Me being me, I was transfixed by this. I Wikipedia'ed it the other night and found a picture of the sign I passed the past two years (I was even MORE paranoid than usual and just wanted to get the fuck out of the desert so a family of homeless desert hobos didn't come and kill us the second our van died).
Anyway, I have been googling or Wikipedia-ing a whole host of crap, like the Bands ABC, the Fixx, Diana Ross, Severed Heads, etc. Why? Because I can.
So yeah, odd stuff is at my fingertips. Lately, I've been obsessed with some of my favourite albums, like Mellancamps's Lonesome Jubilee, and Lindsey Buckingham's "Go Insane", so i've dl'ed them from itunes but wiki'ed the particulars.
What else.....
OH! Stevie has a new single!!!!! I am not making this up. She is 60 fucking THREE this May, and she released her new single, produced by Dave Stewart, this week. If you REALLY know me, you'd know that I must own all things Stevie, and all things Eurythmic. At first, I admit I was all "WTF is this?" about the single, but then I can almost HEAR Annie Lennox singing it, and I get it. Please, download the damn song in itunes and give Stevie a retirement fund. I know she spent millions on cocaine, but we all would have if we could have, right?
So anyway, it's been a traumatic, freaky-assed week. Let me summarize.
So does anyone remember me posting last year about my son.... I can't remember if I gave him a name on here...... let's call him Cass. Anyway, "Cass" fell down the stairs when he was 1 year old and chippped his front tooth on the top and knocked the next two teeth sort of senseless. We took him to the dentist and the dr. and they both said to wait and see - the chipped tooth might turn black or it might be ok. We hoped it was ok. Long story short, before Xmas, the front tooth began to turn black. The others looked a little..... rotten... sorta.
So then we took him back to the dentist, who said, since he was under 3 and couldn't actively open his mouth for work, she'd refer him to "the City" for an appointment. She said it would take a year. We took him for this checkup 3 weeks ago. Monday morning, Rachel, who usually has Mondays off, gets a call from the pedeatric dentist in the City to know if she can come in by 11, if baby boy hasn't eaten yet. Anyway, Rachel calls her dad, who says he will go with her, and her mom will take care of the other three kids, and off they go, since this clinic has had two cancellations.
I hear NOTHING from them all afternoon. I am convinced that my sweet baby boy, who is the light of my life, has somehow died from anestesia. Why, I dunno.... But I was convinced he went into cardiac arrest, and they were waiting to send someone to me to tell me. I was sitting at work, pacing my tiny office, almost PUKING in my garbage can.
I the get a call from Rachel.
They told her, after the fact, that they pulled the lil' guy's 3 front top teeth. She tells me this and I YELL.
She then tells me she fainted, dead on the ground, when they told her this, and that my "he'll look like a freak" comment helps nobody.
They pulled the three teeth he damaged, and put a metal crown on an eye tooth.
Rachel cried for days and blamed herself.
I had to remind her that this was normal.
The kid got 3 top teeth pulled.
All were loose last year, so it SHOULDN'T be a shock. But it is, nevertheless.
And then there is my painful sorrow.
Remember how I bitched about getting fixed? Well, my shit is FUCKED the fuck up.
Last week, it was all going good. My junk seemed to be working. I ensured that my wife allowed me to try it out, and I had no complaints. But then on Wednesday, I had this backache and front-ache, and shit, and anyway I decided today to go see my doctor Chip. After listening to my symptoms, he said "SOMETHING is going on down there - either a bladder infection or a prostate infection". Either way, I am on antibiotics for TWO frigging weeks. But OMG, all fo my pipes are fucking ACHING.
Holy. there is this special on 20/20 right now about these people being lost on this logging road or something. I still remember driving from Bryce Canyon, UT, to Cedar City, UT...... Never have I driven such horrible roads....
Anyway, goodnight all. Love ya!