off to lake
Off to the lake for the weekend, but major fucking news that I will report on Sunday night!
Off to the lake for the weekend, but major fucking news that I will report on Sunday night!
Good evening peeps. I am so very tired so I don't know if I am even going to say anything. Really, really tired. Tomorrow will be a long day too - we are having this staff thingy on this ranch, complete with hay rides and all. I am so not game for it, but I will try. I was trying to have a bad attitude about it, but I ended up saying probably the most stupid thing ever. I was talking to Sharon at work, on the phone and bitching about it, and we are always ying and yang, and balance out our crabbiness. So, I call her extension and say "I so don't wanna go to this thing. I hate horses. And I hate hay" and she interupts me and says "you hate HAY?" and then I realized that indeed, I am crazy. So, going to go, and maybe have fun. Fun fun fun. Yee Haw. LOL "I hate hay" - if that isn't the stupidest thing that ever came out of my mouth, I don't know what is.
No time to blog tonight - just one observation: Why is it that when i go to bed and get ready to fall asleep, I rub my feet against the sheets and the mattress? I know someone else who does it - why is this so soothing? Anyone else do this?
I seriously have 10 minutes to blog, because I still have shit to do for tomorrow and it's almost midnight. Just let me say one gross story to kick off your Monday. So yesterday, everyone kept popping over, while we were doing stuff outside. Remember, as I have said, our basement is a disaster - has been for 2 weeks, but we haven't gotten to it. Now, my nephews come over and the kids all go downstairs and I am all "Go outside! It's a disaster!" but no, they stay down there and everyone is "Let them play while it's messy". So, they stay down there a bit and then go outside and then I run down to do some laundry. Well, walking down the stairs I get this overwhelming stench of shit hit me, so I think "Holy fuck, the dog got into the ex-lax". Well, I run down and don't see anything. And then I see this brown stuff from behind the chair. Then I see a pile of shit smeared on the wall, on the floor, done with a kid's broom. Well, I am freaking and yelling "there's shit all over" and Rach runs down and says "it's dogshit" and I am thinking no frigging way, because nothing that big could come out of my dog's ass, as she's the size of a frigging rat - well, not really, but she's horridly skinny. So I spend like 2o minutes cleaning up this shit and bleaching everything to high heaven. You could perform surgery on this damn floor, it's so clean now. Anyway, I get that corner done and open windows and spray lysol. Then I go talk to the kids, and since they aren't my kids, I just say "You never do that. If the dog poops, tell us, don't ever touch it" and whatever. WELL, I go back down there a little later and it smells worse than ever. So I snoop around and see, on a frigging PILLOW, what looks like more shit. Well, I am so pissed off but the parents don't say anything so I just leave it. But I am obsessed with the smell, and scrubbing all over the room, on my hands and knees trying to figure out why it smells on the coffee table when it's clean. Well, long story short, in addition to the shit, there is a sippy cup, from TWO WEEKS AGO, that was sitting there that they also knocked over and did whatever to, which contained chocolate milk, which rotted and stunk like dog shit. Now, you are thinking "what pigs" but seriously, we haven't gone downstairs since then into the family room or the playroom. So, being the clean freak germophobe I am, I am pretty much ready to use fire to cleanse it.
So it has taken me this frigging long to watch this week's Canadian Idol, and I still am not through the entire episode. On what I have seen thus far though - hideous people this week. Last week they were all so good, and this week - well, it's laugh until you vomit time. The Saskatoon dude which the judges were all creaming their jeans over was just hideous. I wanted to slap him (not punch, just slap - he looks slappable, if that makes any sense). And so damn full of himself. I prefered the French chick, but they almost made her cry. And really, Sass Jordan - why is she so critical?? She ain't no Ella Fitzgerald - Hell, she ain't no Rita Coolidge. Hell, she's barely better than Alicia Bridges or whatever her name was - the chick who looked like Susan Powter and sang "I Like the Nightlife". Hey, speaking of Susan Powter, where is she? Man, she was annoying. I remember her wheeling out this huge tub of baked potatoes and saying you could eat 37 baked potatoes or something for all the fat in a bag of chips or something, and I mean, if I wanted to eat 37 baked potatoes, I'd eat 37 baked potatoes, but I just want the frigging chips, so put a sock in it, creepshow. Ah, but she was refreshing. Well, no, she wasn't - I am just trying to stop being mean.
Hey kiddies, how the heck are y'all? I am pooped out. It was hotter than heck today, like 30 degrees and then the humidex made it feel like 37 or some such temperature, so it's just brutal. Of course, it's worse down south, where I saw humidex's in the 40s. So, we are roasting. Right now, the temperature in the house is something like 82 degrees (my thermostat is in farenheit) but we put our window air conditioner in tonight, so at least the bedroom will be cool. Tomorrow it is cooling right off, and will be only like 20 or something. Strange summer again - hardly any heat thus far. i wonder if it will be as bad as last year. But anyway, talking about the weather for so long makes me sound older than I am so I'll stop.
Ok, this is yet again another 4 sentence quickie, but I am pooped out. I just want to ask gardeners out there this question, as I am still sort of a newbie - when planting vegetables, has anyone tried "seed tape"?? The reason I ask is that I am suspicious about it, meaning that I think it's a big scam and doesn't grow. You see, being the retard I am, I can't seem to like "measure" out seeds. The stupid packages will say something like "sow 1 inch apart and 1/2 an inch deep." Well, I can get the depth but for the life of me, I can't separate seeds with my stubby fingers, so it's always overkill - a steady stream of seeds all crammed together for the whole row. So, when I did my garden boxes this year, for example, I was flying through the seeds like nobody's business. And as I am too fucking dumb to know how to thin out my carrots and beets, I know it's a problem. So, I think I posted before that my sister Libby across the street is going to China this summer and isn't planting her garden so I said we would. So we rototil the fucker and it's hard soil and rocky in parts but still, we clean it up nice, and when I shopped for the seeds, I discovered "Seed tape" - the package said "we take the guesswork out of it for you - never thin again!" and I am thinking it's the cat's ass because it's this long tape looking strip with a seed in it, spaced evenly. So I plant two rows of beets and two rows of onions with the fucking tape, and then at home, I had two planters so I planted one of seed tape radishes and one of onions. Now, the onions didn't grow in the planter, but the planter IS fucked and has no drainage, and with all the rain this year, I understand that it just might have been flooded. But I checked Lib's garden tonight and no frigging beets and no onions. Even the frigging pumpkins came up.... and my radishes in the planter came up, but not the complete row. So what giveS? is seed tape just another thing that will let us down? Is it the new 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner (2 in 1's just don't do it, IMO)? Is it the new toothpaste and mouthwash combo (that doesn't work either)? is it the new Bold 3 laundry detergent (remember, it promised detergent, bleach, and softener all in one - now they don't even sell it)? Is it... oh hell, what I am trying to say is, did I do something wrong or does the shit not work to begin with? Or is her soil too ugly? Let me know. I was hoping on beets coming out of my arsehole - well, not literally, of course, but y'all know what I mean....
Well, I am just getting ready for bed, but sorta waiting for the Tom Cochrane concert to end. No, not on tv, but in what feels like my backyard. It's 11:35 p.m., and Tom is doing some free concert here in the park, and it was supposed to be in a park far away from here, but it is storming and raining, so they must have moved it to the grandstand, which is a stone's throw from here. So imagine my suprise trying to get Keryn to bed, late as hell, at 10:30, and then this loudspeaker is blasting something and then "White Hot" starts blaring. I was pissed off, and also mad I didn't go because that song took me back at least 20 years, and suddenly I am a kid again, and he sounds really good. Just heard Lunatic Fringe and Boy Inside the Man, but then it started hailing, so I came inside and closed the window.
Oh man am I ever fucking tired right now - ooh, sorry, I guess I should say "freakin'" tired like some TBS dubbed show, but well, fuck it....
Now, I don't have time to post anything, because I have gotten caught up on the internet tonight, and then my cat is freaking out and fighting with a cat on the other side of the window, and I am about ready to call it a night. However, I must make one comment to a comment I received from Roxanne. You see, coinky-dinkily, it appears Roxanne and I actually lived in the same area at the same time years ago. I lived in Chilliwack, and she lived in Sardis, which is attached to Chilliwack - actually, it is part of Chilliwack, but back then, Sardis and Vedder were like little towns attached to the city (not anymore - they are where everyone lives now, and that's where all the development is - freaked the hell out of me, but nobody else will care, so I will shut up). Anyway, Roxanne says the most crazy thing. She says something like she had two friends, named April and Lurline. Now, I have to say it: LURLINE?? Are you sure it was Sardis you lived in, and not Butcher Holler or something? I mean, Lurline? Who is named Lurline?? I remember the soap Texas when I was a kid, and they had this hillbilly woman on there named Lurline. We actually had a cat for a brief time named Lurline, and the name was because she musta came from hillbillies. It was Xmas season, and it was like 40 below, and in the Walmart parking lot, someone let out this cute orange kitten. So you know me, I save it and take it home thinking it musta jumped out of a car because she was still warm, and I thought I would call the radio stations and the SPCA and whatever and find the owners. Well, this cat stunk to high heaven of this hideous perfume - smelled like something that you buy in a 3 gallon jug from the dollar store. We did all we could, but could never get the smell out of the cat. Anyway, she smelled so hillbilly, we named her Lurline. We had her for a month and she wasn't quite right. She hated my dog and cat, she shit in my plants, and was just a smelly, hillbilly pain in the ass. We ended up giving her to our friend Claire, who had her for a couple years, and I think her boyfriend finally "took it hunting" because it kept pissing in their bed - if that isn't gross enough, it was with them in it.
Well, it's 11 o'clock and I am finally getting to sit down. So I am watching some show about how they make Real Lemon and drinking a cup of decaf. Yup, good times. Now they are talking about how they get the Real Lemon and Real Lime into the little plastic lemons and limes. I guess I've never actually sat down and thought about how they made Real Lemon before. These factory dudes are all excited about Real Lemon. They are rambling on and on about it. Interesting.
So Michael Jackson got off, but the only thing I will say is why in the first place would anyone trust their child with him? And don't give me that they bought into the whole children are love bullshit he used to spout. I don't care if fucking Oprah took a shining to my kids - they ain't going to fucking bed with her. Ok, put this into perspective - say me, ordinary Joe Blow, befriends your kids, and I say "hey, I'm going to West Edmonton Mall and gonna take little Johnny. I'll get you guys a room and you can shop and gamble and whatever, and me and Johnny will share a theme room and order pizza and sit in the hot tub all night." Now, how quick would you be to call the cops or kick me in the nuts or banish me from your homes? Pretty quick I suspect. Add to that that I have had some funky face work, a caved in nose, bleached skin, and wore masks and called my child Blanket.... Like, I am sorry, but those parents are just as much to blame, and yes, I know, he wooed them and offered shit, but STILL - there are boundaries. Now me, if some celeb was like wooing me with shit for some reason, I will admit - I could probably turn into a celebrity whore pretty damn fast, and if Zza Zza Gabor or Phyllis Diller wants to feed me "Jesus Juice" and wants to watch me prance around by the pool naked, and in turn they will pay off my student loans and buy me a van, well, ok, they can get their freak on and I'll end up on easy street, and fine and dandy. But when some freak with a caved in face wants to take my kid - gimme a frigging break. So, unlike the poor men on Oprah today, I blame the parents in the MJ thing too. Now the guy on Oprah, he almost made me choked up and listening to him talk to his kids about being molested by the priest and then finding out the priest lives by him now and has kids, fuck.... the world is just so sick. I am so haunted lately too by all the reports of child porn rings that the Toronto police are trying to crack - CBC radio, which I listen to most days, always reports on these cases and it makes me want to throw up. Sometimes Pat Benetar is right, Hell is for Children. Ah, I gotta snap outta this doom and gloom, enough of Michael - and I do feel for him, because someone did something to him, besides Daddy beating him. Anyway, enough.
Ok, seriously only have 3 sentences in me - went fishing as planned, and my brother in law caught a stugeon that measured 5 ft 2inches, and was 24 inches in girth - unbelievable. Oh man, I can't believe I used the word girth - it sounds like I am talking dirty! I feel like I should be saying "You think THAT girth is impressive, you should check THIS out!" LOL, sorry, I am pure trash.
I should be cleaning up. It's suddenly a fucking disaster in here. But I am not. I came downstairs to throw some laundy in, and decided to check the blogs and stayed. Of course, kids coughing a bit, so again, this could be short. The garage sale was good yesterday, but today, there was hardly anyone out and about. It must be because it is the first weekend without the frigging rain pounding down. So, we just moved everything into the garage and then we are going to do it again on Thursday night and Friday night - these seem to be the big nights for sales now.
P.S. to the last long, rambly post - amidst all the melancholy and introspection and promise to be a better person after the funeral this week, today Sharon and I were going through the Tim Horton's drive thru and we saw this woman we didn't know the name of, but who used to work by us and who is really nice. Well, I said "there's that woman who's really nice who used to work by us" and she said "yeah, what IS her name?" and then she said "she sure has big teeth" to which i replied "yes, they sure are huge" and then silence for a minute, and then Sharon came back with "hmm... bitch could mow a lawn with those things." And then we laughed for approximately, oh, 3 blocks....
Good Eveeeening - sorry, just trying to channel Vincent Price there a bit. I don't know how much blogging time I have, as my daughter keeps coughing in her sleep, and if it's any indication of last night, I might be in there posthaste.
Hi all - just a sentence to say I am alive - I will TRY to blog tonight or tomorrow. Margo is sitting next to me eating chili saying "one sentence will not appease the masses. The two liner is not the massive thing we like to read in the morning." LOL, but really, I will try tonight, and fill you in on the week from hell and such.
Where the hell does the weekend go? I can't believe it's Monday again. I so can't wait for holidays. So this weekend, we just puttered around the house and stuff, nothing exciting to report. However, I do not ever intend to be gross, but since this is a place to share, well, I'm sharing. So this morning I get up and I am craving this Oat Bran cereal that I love so much. Tastes just like Life cereal, but it's Quaker Oat Bran, in nice bite sized little squares, much like Life. However, there is one strange difference - it goes through me like shit through a goose. Strange thing is, I eat REAL oat bran every day, and it doesn't do sweet piss all to me, but this cereal, yowsah, yowsah, yowsah, as Chic would have said (Y'all remember Chic? Dance, Dance, Dance, Le Freak, Good Times.... damn, they were good). Anyway, I know the cereal will give me gas that would kill a small animal and make me run to the can over and over, but do I ever think about that? No. Instead, time and time again, I reach for the stupid cereal and say "Oh, I'll just have a little bowl" and think maybe my luck will be different this time. Well, that's the stupidest thing. So today, I really DID have a little bowl and man, it about killed me. We were outside in the afternoon and Keryn says really loud "Daddy, did you toot? or did Kim poop?" and the neighbors were outside, so I just pretended to sniff Kim's bum and say "oh, she must need her diaper changed." Another odd food that does it to me, and my friend Sharon at work: Any type of Julius from Orange Julius. I got a big one one day, and like 1/2 an hour later I am running to the can, and damn near almost had to light candles in my office because it was just killing me. Well then, one day Sharon and I were going for coffee and we were in the food court of the mall by our office, and she said something like "Well, I think I'll get an enema", meaning the Julius, and I just yelled "You too!?" So I dunno what the hell they are putting in those damn things, but they really gotta stop. So, sorry for the scatological diversion. I just had to share, because, well, I have no shame.
Yo yo yo yo homies. What up? What in the hell is wrong with the internet tonight? Any website I visit, it's hit or miss if it will actually OPEN. I just posted this damn comment to Roxanne but it won't post it, and just says it can't find the server. How stupid is that? So Roxanne, I guess to give you the Coles Notes version, you aren't dying, Def Leppard rock - Pyromania is the album of grade 8, and Hysteria is the album of grade 12 for me. Memories... sweet memories....
Ok, again this will be quick. It's 11:30 and I am getting sick. Yes, sick! Keryn's cough seems to be turning into a cold, and Kim is all whiny in her sleep and her nose was running tonight, and all day my throat felt scratchy, and I absentmindedly thought "Oh, I must have smoked too much today" and then realized I haven't fucking smoked for 3 years... and now the throat is sore, and the nose is stuffy, so obviously I haven't been taking my vitamin C, have I? It has been pissing rain all day, since last night, in fact, and tornado watch today. I love rain. LOVE IT. But when you have sod coming and want to get the fucking shit done, rain ISN'T fun. So I dunno what I am doing tomorrow - sod? the cancer walk? Funeral in Regina on Saturday? I don't know.
Ok, a quickie tonight. As y'all know, been busy as a motherfucker (I didn't know motherfuckers were busy, but the saying says they are, so who am I to argue?) with everything. First, let's go back to the weekend. Ah, the weekend! The weather was great for the first time this year, so we did a shitload of work outside. We also *almost* bought a van. We need a cheap van - just a used old thing, since we won't be able to fit 3 kids in the cars, and we can't afford brand new, and we found this awesome van for dirt cheap. It was like a thousand years old, but it was a Mazda MPV, or MVP or whatever the hell they are, which is what I wanted. We almost bought it, but it turns out the air conditioning didn't work, and ain't no way I am gonna get that repaired, because in our old car, it cost like 600 bucks. Then the dude pretends he doesn't know it didn't work and made up this stupid thing about how Canadian Tire maybe didn't recharge it well when they changed the timing belt, so of course we asked around and there is no need to disconnect the AC when you change a timing belt apparently, so the little fucker lied to us and lost a sale - I was willing to just say find out what it costs and deduct it and I'll buy it, but whatever. Little lying pants can just piss up a rope.