Oprah and the death scares she induces

Just a quick update - remember the bitching and moaning from last week? Well, in a nutshell, it all got worse. I woke up Thursday morning with this odd feeling in one of my special spots so I ask Rachel "did you dream of aliens or anything last night because I could swear I was probed." Anyway, after some swift deduction, I realize that I am now in hemmeroid hell. Yes, I have something that feels like it is the size of a brussels sprout in my rectum. So, even though I know it is supposed to go away on it's own, I make a dr. appointment for today. Last night I was thinking of canceling, but then it all comes down to the bitch Oprah who ruined my day. I am getting ready for bed, after soaking my ass-nubbin in the tub, and see Oprah is on at 11:35. Well I flick to it and it's with Dr. Oz and about people who are scared to go to the doctor. Anyway, I see this dude getting a colonoscopy because he lost his brother to colon cancer at 32 and they end up removing polyps and shit. THEN, good old Mamut goes "this is what colon cancer looks like" and we see this lima bean shaped nubbin thing close to the end of someone's colon. Well. My brussels sprout feelin' ass nubbin feels like a lima bean, so then I think "I am fucking dying of colon cancer and it's so bad it's basically coming out of my ass because the whole fucking thing is coated with lima bean tumors" and then I think "OMG, my daughers... how can I leave my daughters.... they can' t handle me gone for the night without lots of tears" so then I get all teared up because if I had just eaten properly for the past 37 years, my colon would be smooth as an albino's bum. So I am a fucking wreck.
Fast forward to today - I avoid my fibre foods because I know I am getting fingered and probed today, sort of like K-Fed and Coley Lafoon on their first date, and God knows, my doctor, who I consider a friend of mine, probably doesn't want me farting when he's down there. So of course I am so nervous in the back of my mind about this I am shitting literally all morning, and then at lunch I go home and shower to make the bulbous ass nugget all shiny and new, and go back to work for an hour before I have to be at the doctor. Well, I know I am feeling mental, so I take an old Ativan, from what year, I don't know - an old one from a bottle Sharon gave me. Probably 5 years old, but motherfucker, it did the trick somewhat, but made me feel sort of unbalanced. Well, at the same time, this woman I work with, who is an old friend of my sister, is seen across the street from my house at noon dropping something in my sister's mailbox. I don't think anything of it until this afternoon. I was walking by her desk and she asked me for some documents and I said I'd bring them back to her and she was all "I'll come with you" and I was all "wtf?" and then she said "I was in your neighborhood today" and I said I saw her and then it hit me - she was dropping a card at my sister's house because it is 10 years ago tonight that my brother in law died -dropped dead. This woman's husband was my brother in law's best friend, and they had spent the day together that he died. My brother in law went with this this woman's husband to Saskatoon to buy a new mountain bike, and then when they got home he took his youngest son to Tae Kwan Do and my sister went to Bible study and when Tae Kwan Do was done, they went home and he told the boys he was going out. He went to the hospital because he was having chest pains we found out later, and when my sister walked in the door, the hospital was calling saying it looked like he had a stroke or heart attack in the lobby of the hospital and then they went down there and they said they couldn't stableize him and they were sending him to Saskatoon, so my sister and her boys ran home to get a bag, and when she walked in the door of her house, the phone was ringing and they told her to come back, and he was dead when they got there.
This woman I work with had her own tragedy the year before. Her almost 2 year old daughter died the October before from cancer, and my sister and brother in law were there when she died and they did her eulogy, the whole bit. So now her hubby lost his daughter and best friend in the course of one year. ANYWAY. So this woman was talking about all of this and asks how my sis does on this day and how her kids do and if we do anything because you can't forget the day since it's so close to Halloween, there is no way of missing it, and then she said she wondered what he went through those last minutes, if he felt alone because I guess he collapsed in the waiting area of the hospital, and since I was all pilled up, I was feeling all choked up and then in the back of my mind I am thinking of that horrible time and of my ass tumor that would kill me and leave my wife and children all alone, and then I realize it's like 2 minutes to my appt, so I had to rush and was all befuddled.
But anyway, I was just holding my breath when he was looking at my ass, waiting for him to suck in his breath and say "we better book you for a scope". Instead he said "it's really irritated and it will go away in 10 days and blah blah blah". Really, I was so relieved I could have kissed him. So then I asked about the gut thing and he wants me to try these new acid pills for a week, then if nothing gives, give up coffee for a week, then dairy, and then grains. Motherfucker, I can't NOT have coffee. And if I have Celiac's disease, well, fuck that shit. Remember, I make fun of it, so I ain't having it. You hear that you fucking pansy-assed pussy gutted Celiac crybabies? You ain't claiming this gut. No sireeee.... fuck right off, cuntbag.
Ok, anyway... back to my brother in law story. My brother in law was the healthiest person I knew. Seriously. He was a body builder, so he had an entire rumpus room full of weights, and he was a mountain biker and would think nothing of riding 100 kms to a lake or something. Honestly, fittest person. So that night, I was on my computer chatting to my friend Elouise from 40plus. She was in Nova Scotia and we were talking Halloween shit. Since it was the days where I just bought a computer, we were on dial-up and nobody could get ahold of me. They tried from like 11 until 1. But at 1, Rachel was sleeping on the couch and we had candles lit. Well, suddenly our votive holder exploded on the coffee table, shooting glass and smoke all over the place. Freaked us out and woke Rachel and I cleaned it up and told Elouise what was going on and then boom, a knock at the door. So we walk slowly to the door and hear my sister "Leslie" say "it's me, let me in". SO I open the door and she said "You have to come to 'Libby's', her husband died tonight". So I am convinced the exploding candle was my brother in law trying to get me off the computer and trying to prepare us of the bad news.
He was such a cool guy. I've known him since I was 8 years old. He used to have this Toyota truck that he would take me 4 wheelin' in. We would go into the bush and just drive like maniacs. I would also stay over at his place too as a kid, and since my sister and I were so close, I was on many dates with them. He was the one who got my sister born again, and so they got me born again, and anyway, we were all exceptionally close. I really needed them, because while I loved my parents more than anything, I was always caught in their shit. They would drink and then I'd be almost vomiting worried about if they'd fight, and then my sister was pregnant and I was all about harmony in the house, so I really needed them to look after me and help me unload and to just be there.
So anyway, it was a shock when he died. Their sons were 14 and 15 and it breaks my heart to even think of all of that again.
OH! But after I find out I am going to live, I come home and call my mom to see if they wanted to go together for flowers for my sister, but of course my mom is on her river denial right now because I started the convo with "did you send libby flowers today" and she was all "why?" and then she was all "Well no, we don't usually and was it 10 years already? Gee, it was my sister's birthday today. So why did you go to the doctor? Are you bringing the kids by for Halloween?" so I just gave up and called my sister and said "I tried to get together with everyone for flowers but you know what everyone is like, so the thought is there". Honest to fucking goodness.
So just generically, I was thinking how much has changed in 10 years. I've moved twice since that night, and have owned 2 houses, my wife has changed jobs once, I've changed jobs twice, and indeed have gotten a "real" job, I've gotten married, had 3 kids, bought my first dog, buried my first dog, bought two others, bought a cat who is now a senior, gone through a few vehicles, our closest "couple" friends divorced and now we are close to neither of them, but have a new, radically different couple we hang with, I've gained weight, lost weight, gained... more times than I want to remember, I grew a goatee for shits and giggles and now never will probably part with, I made some close internet friends who I never hear from now, I lived through Y2K, I now live across the street from the widowed sister and can see her in her kitchen getting ready for bed as I type this, I still have both parents but not sure for how long, I still have the same best friend and I have met other friends I am very close with as well, I have new internet friends I hope never ditch me, and I am an entirely different person in so many ways than I was at that point. Remind me to do another update in 10 more years from tonight and see what I have to say then.
So that's it. Sorry for the death downer, but I have to mark it somehow. Dude, wherever you are, I love you and thank you for everything and I miss your laugh more than anything else. We'll meet up later, but hopefully not for a really long time. But I'll think of you whenever I see Mount Cheam, cherry whiskey, Gold's Gym, or listen to U2 and REM. Rock on my brother.

And I hope all of you have a delightful Halloween - Margs, it is 18 years ago now that I was Tammy Faye for Halloween. I never did find my fucking wig.......