love me, flautuance and all

Well, so I am sitting here tonight in a classroom, thinking it would be a stress-free evening. You see, I am supervising an exam for someone who couldn't be here to invigilate her midterm. So, I think, how bad can it be? I'll sit here and blog or something and relax. Well, as usual, I get here and nothing ever goes smoothly. First, the room was locked, which seems to be the usual for me when I do stuff like this. Then, the damn security guy, once I find him, can't find his key to the room, so I start to sweat like Frank on Trading Spaces, and flag down a janitor and beg her to come up and let me in, and then security dude finally finds his key, so we get in the room 90 seconds before the exam is to begin.
So then I try to connect to the internet, but the wireless signal for the network isn't usable in this room, because this room is in this oddball alcove above a gym, where down below some sort of Volleyball extraveganza is going on. So then I try the freenet connection thingy, which the government has lovingly provided to all post secondary institutions and city centres in the province. It connects just fine, so I immediately go to my email. I see I have a message on facebook from an old school chum from B.C. I asked an old neighbor about her, since I've always thought of this girl and she was one of the few people I actually wanted to talk to, and the neighbor said she was on old facebook with such and such a name. I sent her a message and didn't hear anything, so I thought well, I guess she doesn't remember me, but then on Friday I got a message saying hi, sorry for the late reply, my dad died, funeral is tomorrow, I'll write more later. So I send my apologies and then now I see she indeed must have written more. So, I go to read it but the motherfucking network blocks me, because of parental controls. So, I think the kids must have set parental controls on here, because they are all addicted to PBS kids now, but after clicking around, I see that it's this network that has the restrictions on it. I mean, I know that one shouldn't download illegial music or look at pornography or gamble or what have you when you are on a government network, but fucking facebook? What the hell is with that?
So, I am instead writing this on Wordpad and will paste it in later, although it never pastes right. But that's how I roll.
Anyway, long time no blog, but I've been busy and shit. So, I guess we haven't debriefed about any topic news items lately. Shall we begin?
First off, let's talk about Ellen. Ok, I know you are all going to think me heartless, but I was so annoyed at that fucking bawling she did. Ok, I am on her side and think those stupid fuckers should put the dog back, because really, most of these damn rescue groups are just going to have to nuke the dogs in a fucking canine gas chamber. So I am glad she explained the whole story and loved how she put them on the spot with the "please give it back to these kids" thing. But I mean, she was weeping so hard I thought her mom must have kicked the bucket or something. I just found it a little too unglued and thought she was veering towards the mental. So yeah, call me a rat bastard, but it annoyed me. Buck the fuck up, Ellen, allright?
Fuck, for a moment I thought she was going to start speaking Celestia and channel her ex Anne Heche.
Hey, have we ever talked Anne Heche? Lets. First off, bitch is a loony tune, allright? We all know that. But it bothers me that she gets to be the famous one and I don't. I remember her back in the day from Another World when she was Marly and Sharly or whatever, the twin. Vicki, that's it. Anyway, I remember her from back then, and she was a mental patient then, and a complete utter bitch. It didn't take much to realize that. She had bitch written all over her face.
So then she starts showing up in Hollywood and dates Steve Martin. Suddenly, all the cred I gave to Steve vanished, because if you hook up with a bitch, well, you must be a bitch by association. As the old saying goes, the bitch doesn't fall far from the bitch. Then, she pulls that running off with Ellen thing, which I know many sisters wanted to believe - you know, the whole "I've never been attracted to a woman before but the second I saw Ellen I was on fire and had to have her". Lesbians, PLEASE, that shit wasn't believable for a second. Sure, she hugged and kissed Ellen everywhere she went, but only because it was serving her well and Ellen was all over the news, so of course it worked. We all know the bitch was craving the old cock-a-doodle-oo like the desert craves the motherfucking rain. Then, to prove she's even more crazy, she dumps Ellen for a fellow named Coley Lafoon? WTF? I don't care if you did spend 5 years sleeping with a woman whose gender secretly repulsed you - you choose to break the dry spell with someone named Coley Lafoon? Bitch, you ARE whacked, aren't you?
Then, to rationalize the whole mispent lesbian years, because you realize that you aren't getting any lead woman sexy roles, you decide to say you were crazy, believed you came from another planet and invented your own language. AH! OF COURSE! We get it! We forgive you! Happens to all of us now and again!
And then, Coley Lafoon tries suing you for custody of your child? Well, bitch, if I was a judge, I'd give the kid to Coley too, retarded name and all. Maybe Coley should fall in love with K-Fed and come to Canada and marry him and they could raise all their little offspring together, because really, they'll need the press soon enough. Hear that K-Fed? Marry Coley and you'll still be in the limelight once Britney gets the kids back.
So right there, we have Anne Heche, Coley Lafoon, K-Fed, and Celestia, all firmly entrenched in our lexicon. So why can't I have a piece of the fame pie? I don't want scandal, no - just a little fame. Like, just a little more than David Faustino. Well, maybe that's a bad example. How about like that sort of fattish guy from Swingers, the one who played the millionaire boyfriend on Friends. Whatshisname... anyway, I just want some money and a few fan letters and maybe some free shit, like a gift basket for presenting at the Daytime Emmys or something. Is it too much to ask?
ANyway, that was a tangent and a half. So.... how about that kookie Marie Osmond? I'm sorry, but bitch didn't forget to breathe - bitch forgot how many fucking oxy-contin she took. Did you frigging see her jumping around and shit? Bitch was higher than a kite. Prove me wrong kids. Prove me wrong.
Anyone else watching Project Runway Canada? I am secure enough in my manhood to proclaim that I watch it. My wife is like hooked on the fucking Project Runway shows, and she rules the remote. She really does. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, you know what I mean? So she watched this fucking marathon one Sunday and by episode 8 or so, I was hooked too. Anyway, the Canadian one is really cool and is hosted by Iman, who I used to love so much but who is a little freaky now. Like, I used to think she was hot like 20 years ago, and loved it when she was on Rosie with her "Listen to Iman" thing, and she's funny now because she's so crabby on that show, but her neck is getting bigger. I am really convinced she is wearing those African lady neck ring things to stretch that thing.
So last night I was all excited because the Fiddle and the Drum was on Bravo, which is the show the Alberta Ballet put together set to Joni's music. So I kept saying "I can't wait to see the Ballet tonight", trying to sound cultured. Well, it probably would be really cool to see live, but it was all of Joni's depressing "the world is a war-ridden, polluted hell" songs so it was a downer for the most part.
I've been thinking of Joni lately and how I just know, if exposed to the right things, Devo and Chunks would have an "a-ha" moment and feel the genius from the heart. For instance, Devo has the new one, which isn't really up to par, and Chunks has CLouds, which isn't either. But I think if they got Court and Spark it would be a start. And Dog Eat Dog, which many Joni fans hate, because it's from 1985 and was her synth and drum machines album, is one I think could attract Chunks. It's the beginning of Joni's commentary of world events and things, and I love it. So I must find the cds in my mess of stuff and start yousending it.
Finally, in other news, I bought a Waterpik. You see, as a child, in my "I have nothing and want to be like the rich kids" rants, I wanted a Waterpik. I'd see them in the Consumers Distributing catalogue and think "if only I had an Atari and a Waterpik - life would be good". Well. I saw one the other day and impulsively cashed in my Shopper's Drug Mart points (I always hit the 20x point days so I had like 300 bucks I could have used) and bought a new ear thermometer and the waterpik. Well, first off, I love it, I have to say that. But. But.
But... well.... it's louder than a fucking jet plane engine and of course i didn't read the directions the first few times, so I was getting water all over the frigging bathroom and mirror and my chest and it was so messy that I even said to Rachel "I think I'll have to do this over the tub." Well, turns out all I had to do was to shut my mouth and voila, the damn thing didn't spray. What a concept!
Then, I have this temporary filling on the tooth that was bugging me, which the dentist said he thinks needs a root canal but is waiting for me to say yes, it hurts. Well, it only hurts when I floss it in this one spot, so, stupid me, I think "oh, really fast pulsing water will feel good on that tender spot where it feels like the nerve is exposed." So I douse the bitch with water and pretty much almost blacked out from the pain. Yes, I'm smart that way, arent I?
So today my obsession has been that i have something seriously wrong with my gut, like Celiac's Disease or something. I figure it's karma for all the fun I've made of Celiac's disease in the past. Well, I've never made fun of it, just someone who is really annoying who was talking endlessly about it one time. Anyway, the thing is, and here is where you can quit reading if you think I am offering too much of myself - don't say I didn't warn you.
The thing is, I've been plague for a couple years by, I suppose, more gas than the normal person. I've attributed it to my on and off again bouts of fibre loading, where I try to get back on a high fibre diet and it takes adjustment. But there are certain things that affect me no matter what - my favorite cereal from Costco, for instance - the Weight Watcher's honey almond crunnch with blueberries - best thing you'll ever eat, but it gasses me up. Anyway, the past few days have been really bloaty and farty and I went Sunday night to get some help for it. I bought Beano, which hasn't done anything yet, and I wanted to badly to buy this stuff that was Life brand, but instead of having a normal name, it was called.... you guessed it... "Life Brand Anti-Flatuance pills. Extra Strength." I shit you not. SO how am I supposed to take that to the till? I would rather have bought a douche, or extra small condoms, or had my face made up by the make up lady than have to go to the check out with "anti-flatuance" pills. Something about "I am fartly uncontrollably" pills just screams "loser". So, instead I bought Gas-X which sort of works a bit I guess. I should go to my doctor, I know, because I don't want to give up fibre, because I believe low fibre diets are what is causing all of this colon cancer shit in the world today, but fuck, what can the doctor do? And then that got me thinking "holy fuck, it's celiac's disease or lactose intolerance" or some hideous, diet-altering lifestyle change. My memoir would be called "A Mighty Wind: My Brave Battle with Celiac's Disease touched with a hint of lactose Intollerance." Yes, just plain stupid, it is. Just pray that there is an end to the Saskatchewan Clipper in my gut - and keep me the fuck out of California until the rains begin....
Well, that's all the news that fits. I will have to paste this in later, as I am sure the filters that block facebook will block this shit.
xo