9 out of 10 readers think I'm nuts

I am sitting here watching Happy Days. It's a corker of an episode. Joanie is SMOKING! You know, I totally forgot how annoyingly hokey this show became after the first or second season. It was a little more authentic in the first season, back when they had the older brother Chunk on, and their house was all different, but then it got all stupid. Fonzie is just so stupid, too. Like, if you think that's cool, I got a bridge to sell you. Anyway, I wish Maude was on right now. Tonight is the episode where Walter has a drinking problem. Now THAT'S good tv. Hey, what the hell is up with that gay looking mirror thingy in Fonzie's apartment? You know, it's sort of like a bench and he combs his hair in it? Next to the door? Yeah, that's a chick magnet.
Another pet peeve is bothering me today. Why oh why do all of those wonderful product making people think that we need scent/flavor overload? Case in point - I am trying to buy some gum today, and did you know that the market is overtaken with a mixture of flavors that don't necessarily belong together? They have that Trident Squirt gum stuff, and it's stupid shit like strawberry kiwi, and the new one, lemon blackberry. Like, who the hell WANTS these things together? Why can't we just have lemon OR blackbery? WHo wants them together? Not this fellow. And then there is bubblemint. Who wants bubble gum flavor with mint? And there is the whole Bubbliscious thing now, which is all combinations too. Then there is the whole range of Juicy Fruit now, and you don't know what the flavor is, other than "green" or "purple" and it all tastes the same. I want some company to have the balls to market "Grape" or "Spearmint" or whatever so you know what you are getting. I bought some Excel gum last week, and I swear I had no clue what I was getting. It was all called shitty names like "Excaliber" and "Midnight Rush" and "Cool Refreshment" and I just didn't know what in the hell I was getting. Of course, it was the typical "polar ice" flavor, which again is something you don't know what that means - in other words, that cool mint flavor. It was like buying condoms - I don't suppose any of you have bought condoms lately, but let me tell you, those fuckers are like gum - you have no idea what in the hell you are getting. In the old days, you at least knew what the hell they were - ribbed, unlubed, lubed, bumpy, whatever - it explained. Now, it's all "pleasure dots" and "stealth" and all these names, and you really don't know what in the hell it means. I accidently bought these ones once called "Tingle" and to be honest I didn't know if she was supposed to tingle or if I was, or what the hell. Turns out they were spearmint scented, so it smelled like you were rolling around in a pack of Trident - well, back when Trident called itself spearmint, and there isn't anything more distracting to your lovemaking than having your penis feel icy fresh. I am going to boycott all that shit. And at the same time, make a plea for Trident to bring back their fruit flavored gum.
And what in the hell is with the fine folks at Downy? I don't know if I have told you my secret passion - the scent of lavender. You know that rotting fall leaves are my favorite scent, followed by the smell of snow, and the smell of rain. Next up is lavender. But fucking Downy mustn't think it's good enough to stand on its own, so they team it up with vanilla. Who the fuck wants duelling scents of lavendar and vanilla? It just gives you a headache and smells like some vanilla bean shit in your lavendar bush. Fucking wankers. Then there is the other new ones, some lilac and whatever smell. Give me fucking lavender and screw the vanilla. Stupid pissers. And coinkydinkilly, in the states, they used to sell Downy Advanced, which was clear and I kid you not, had a residual smell like rotting leaves, so it was a wet dream, but the wankers discontinued it - probably to make room for the upcoming "lilac lavendar vanilla orange blossom scent."
Then there is Dr. Pepper, with it's Berries and Cream flavors. Like we need berries and cream added to cherry and cola flavors. Fuck me, Dorothy. Some overloads work, like All-Dressed chips. Others should be shot like a two legged dog.
Ok, now that I got that off my chest, I don't know what else I have to say. Made a wicked ceasar salad tonight - the Victorian Epicure kind, and now all I can taste is garlic. Sweet misery.
Tomorrow would be my sister's wedding anniversary. She was widowed 10 years ago this month. She was married 27 years ago, and man, I remember it so well. It was such a big deal, and big wedding, and I remember the night before (27 years ago tonight) I lost it and bawled for ages and I was mortified. I remember there was a houseful of people, like tons of people, and I was sitting on our deep freezer in our kitchen and I said something like I was scared of losing her so she came and hugged me and I started crying and couldn't stop and bawled for literally hours. I ended up walking around and doing shit, but just sobbing all the while. It was fucked up. Then the next night, after the wedding, I was all stressed again and I was sleeping on a cot in my sister's room, and I was shaking so bad she was yelling at me to stop moving because I was shaking the cot. Hmmmm, looking back on that episode, is it any wonder I ended up with anxiety issues?
Anyway, it was traumatic to "lose" my sister, because I don't want to say she was my favorite sister, because that's not true, but we had a real bond and we would do stuff together all the time. She was the one who also took me to church in my born again period, and she'd take me on dates with her, and listen to me and sleep with me when I needed someone, and reassure me when my parents would fight, and so when she got married, it was a big thing. Damn, now I am all melancholy now, thinking about the past. It makes me want to listen to some Christopher Cross. Right before her wedding, one Friday night when she was having a wedding shower, my dad and I went to Woolworths, and I talked him into buying me Christopher Cross' self-titled album, because I loved "Sailing" and "Ride Like the Wind", but especially "Sailing." Everytime I hear those songs, I think of that season, and the wedding, and I feel just.... melancholy and wistful. I think I know where that cd is.. I should grab it.
You know how precocious I was back then? I drank freely at her wedding. Part of the excitement of the wedding for me was that I got my mom to promise that Susan and I could have a rum and coke. Now I know it sounds horrible, but I always drank a bit as a kid - wine at birthdays, from age 8 or so on, I always got some Lonesome Charlie or Baby Duck or whatever on birthdays, or a liquer once in a while or something. Nowadays, you'd be shot for giving your kids wine or booze, but back then, it really wasn't a big deal. So at the wedding ,I had the wine at dinner, and then some, and then my rum and coke, and then I drank Sue's, and then I had some beer someone gave me. How stupid is that? I caught the garter at my sister's wedding too, and I had no idea what the hell it was or why anyone would want it. I wonder where it went.... There is also pictures of me twisting like a mofo at the wedding. Oh man, I really don't want to be going down memory lane tonight. As Joni sings in one of my all-time favorite songs "Lesson in Survival" (a song Devo would fucking love so much I should find it and send it to her), "when you dig down deep you lose good sleep." Ain't that the fucking truth..... As an aside, if I do find it, Dev, you got to pay attention to the first line, considering your upbringing and your religious family: "Lesson in survival/Spinning out on turns/that get you tough/ Guru books, the Bible/Only a reminder/ that you're just not good enough."
Anyway, that says it all, doesnt it?
I am melancholy and want to find my methhead friend and drag her ass off the street, take her to the corner store for some candy, and then go down to the slough and smoke a pack of Craven M with her, just talking about nothing.
LOLLLLLLL, I mention my sister's anniversary and look what it conjures up. But seriously, if I had an excess of money, I'd be there on the next train, grabbing her fucking methy cracked out ass off the street and slapping some sense into her.... anyway.....
I can't find Lesson in Survival online - maybe I can find the cd tomorrow and send it out. You will be moved. But in the meantime, I will send you "Down to You", another one of my alltime favorites from Court and Spark. I've talked of this song before. Anyway, the lyrics are so good, and so melancholy.... and the first line is genius, pure and simple.
Anyway, I think I'm going to bed now. Remember, stay away from that multi-flavored gum... and meth.... both suck.
xo