Relase of melancholy and negativity posted below

I am feeling very melancholy today, so if you are looking for a quick ha-ha, this probably isn't the place to be. Not like I am all depressed or anything, but just blah. I am attributing it to the full moon still. Seriously, believe me, I've worked through enough full moons to know that the public really does go bonkers during the 2 or 3 days around the full moon. Woke up this morning to the whole airport terrorist plot thing, and that is sort of sitting in my craw. While you all know flying is the last stage of my panic disorder that I have to yet overcome, I've never been afraid of crashing or terrorists - just clausterphobia - wait, that's not how you spell it, but I am too lazy for spell check. But now, well, I rightly don't want to overcome that fear, because it's just too scary. But that's not what's really freaking me out - it's just a symptom. I keep thinking so often lately that we are at the end of times. I am really starting to be freaked out by this. Usually when people say that I mock them and say the sky is falling, but you know, it's all just a little too freaky right now. First off, I am ashamed to say I have no clue what the hell is going on in the middle east. I have no idea what in the hell Hezbullah is, or what it means. No fucking clue. I just saw all these Canadians getting the hell out of Lebanon, but up until now, Lebanon in my mind has been a place with concrete buildings that are always blowing up, and that's about it. What Hezbullah is, I don't know. Hells bells, I am ashamed I have no idea why everyone is always on Isreal's ass, or what is going on there. But since so much news is devoted to this war, it makes me really nervous. And, since 9/11, we know that we are not ever really safe. Then there is the talk of the threat of China, and Iran having nukes, and the fucking crazy North Koreans and their nukes, and I mean, they all hate the west. So, all this holy war stuff is freaking me out. And we are causing problems in Iraq and that isn't going to end, and on and on. So all of this terrorism and nukes and all of that, are really getting to me. And then there are the outbreaks, and yes I know, there are always outbreaks of stuff, and look at history and all of that, but you know, Bird Flu could kill way worse than plague and influenza, and then there was SARS, and everything else. It doesn't help that if I could live my life over again, I'd follow a career in medicine, epidemiology, or community health, so I read every book I can get on disease and viruses. But yeah, that scares me, and I keep thinking of the Book of Revelation and plagues. And the global warming and it's consequences remind me of earthquakes and natural disasters and plagues of bugs and all hell breaking loose.
And when I want to get good and freaked out, I always think of this sermon I heard when I was a kid at this pentacostal church I was at, where they talked about the end of times and the mark of the beast, and said that there will be a time where we get this mark tatooed on us, on our hands or heads or something and we would have to have it to survive but it would damn us to hell, and it always was something I snickered at, but then I see people getting computer chips implanted in their wrists so they can just swipe it for keys and money, and it gives me the willies.
So, every once in a while I get pessimestic. Tonight is one of those times. It shall pass, don't worry, it's just the full moon thing and my overreacting to the news. But sometimes I just worry for the planet and for all of us on it. And I ache thinking of how to explain war and violence and hatred to my kids, since they don't really have a concept of that yet. Ahhhh.... parenting ain't easy.....
So that is my bitching for the night. I didn't get much sleep last night because Kristen had a bad night again. She's got a rash on her body so I think she's got the mono her cousin had, because it was the same rash, but everything I've looked up says it's less noticable in young kids, so that's good. Let's hope it's over quickly. She has no fever or swollen glands though, so that's good. I took Kelly to work for a while this afternoon, which was fun. But then tonight I spanked her because she was being horrid, and I feel guilty, because we don't really spank the kids, just rarely, and on paper, I am opposed to spanking, and it seems wrong, but I dunno. It just doesn't sit right with me, the whole spanking thing, so I dunno.
Watched BB tonight and you know, I am not sad Kayser is gone, just mad that Julie threw all this shit at him like James was the world's biggest Mata Hari. I mean, James turned on them because Janelle turned on their plans, but they don't show that, do they? It really annoyed me, and I was ready to fire an angry email or something at them for that manipulation. But again, it's probably just the full moon.
And finally, after watching the news tonight, I feel like I have no right in complaining about the mundane shit I always whine about. I have a roof over my head. Food in my belly. Clean water. A job. So when I whine that shit is stressful and whatever, I look at people in these war-torn places and it just seems so sick that I bitch and moan. And then I saw my dad today and he said we should meet at the market garden on Saturday morning at 7 a.m. and go for coffee - "we've never done that!" and I mean, since he's so old and not well, I thought I can't refuse him, so then I was all bemoaning how unfair it was that my parents are getting frail and shit, and then I was thinking "they are in their fucking 70s - be thankful". And I thought of my friend Lolita, who lost her mother when she was 19 - her mom just turned 46. Then I look at people who lose parents in wars, accidents, etc. I need to just shut the hell up and be thankful. We all do.
Ok, I am off my high horse, and tomorrow is another day. But I just had to get rid of that blahness by venting on here.
OH! A funny story to close with - well, not funny, but eerie for me, anyway. Long story that I won't get into here, but I've been following the blogs of a few people in town that I stumbled upon (long story). I always read this husband and wife, who each blog. They are born again Christians (all of these bloggers are that I found) and younger than me, and while I really don't have anything substantially in common with them, they are interesting to read. Well, they post pics sometimes of them and/or their kids, and a couple weeks ago, we were in the park at this children's festival watching Fred Penner (my kids were as bored as I was, methinks) and I look up, and suddenly who do I see? THE BLOGGERS. I got all excited and wanted to yell "hey you two - I read you!" but I just let them pass. But it was surreal to see them. Maybe I don't get out much..... So that was my excitement for the week.
Oh, and we Killexed our front yard, and that shit is da bomb. It really works! Our lawn was overthrown by dandilions and the evil clover, but already the clover looks dead. Of course, hence the lawn looks dead in patches, but it will fill in. And since it's been the hottest and driest summer in years, lawns all look dead as soon as you cut them anyway, so bully bully for me.
Anyway, I gotta get to bed, in case it's another one of those nights.
Have a great day y'all, thanks for reading my venting, if you made it thus far.
JT