Listening to Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" isn't the smartest thing to do when you are on the verge of breaking down all night.... keep that in mind. You know you do the same thing - you know you shouldn't listen to a song because of what it is going to do to you but it goes through your head over and over and then you break down and listen to it, and you wail your pain out and sob into your hands and none of it really makes you feel any better like you think it will if you let it out, so it's just useless. So remember that next time you get the urge to rub salt in the wound, or razorblades in the eyes or whatever cliche you want to use. Just sayin' is all.
Yeah, I'm not ok tonight. And that's actually ok, I guess. It's been a really hard weekend, almost harder than all the rest so far in this nightmare. Yesterday and today we had a yard sale and sold my parents' stuff, since Dad is in a retirement home. Now everything is gone, the unsold stuff carted off to Value Village. And I'm empty. It's really the end of all of it. Usually when a parent dies, the other one keeps living in the same place, or at least keeps the stuff. But for us, boom, everything is gone, the phone number you've known for 25 years is soon to be cut off, you'll never call there again, or see those walls again, or sit at that table again, or drink coffee out of their cups again, or whatever. And I get so fucking annoyed when people give you the whole "it's just stuff, it's not them" but it IS part of them. AND her stuff mattered to her. She was proud of her stuff. And her clothes... it was so hard as I hung them up and I could smell her so clearly as I hung up her coats. And that's all gone now. So I just am having trouble dealing tonight. I'd say I get through fine most days. Probably 70% of the time, I'm ok. But then there are the nights. I dread evening. And that's not ok. I dunno, maybe I just need to be sad and weepy tonight and get it out and maybe this sale and shit will be closure in a way. I hate that word closure. There never is closure for anything, be it a death, or a lost friendship, or a breakup, or whatever. You always have regrets and hurts and good memories and all of that. Closure is just a bullshit word for annoying social workers.
And I am annoyed at myself that the only thing that got me out of weepsville tonight was my anger at two people in my family. Focusing on that got me out of the dumps for a while. I hate that I am like that. And I will fill you in on all of that later - it's too late tonight to get into it because it takes forever to explain.
And my 3 oldest kids are having restless sleeps - in the past 1.5 hours, all three of them have been up. I can't relax.
Ok, there, maybe I'll feel a bit better now. Sometimes I just need to let it out and this seems to be the place to do it. And I am not walking around all mopey all the time, which this might seem like. But tonight is really fucking hard. And I am so sad, and angry and mental. But tomorrow is another day, where I will get to hang out with my kids and do some fun stuff and enjoy myself too. And it's so weird to walk in both worlds, you know? And I think I am also freaked out so bad too because my friend, a former coworker who I still see all the time, went through the same thing this week, in much the same way. So it's all a little too close to home right now.
On a totally different note, I bought that Valerie Bertinelli book last night on impulse. I was actually embarassed to buy it because of the stupid Jenny Craig type title, but I can't put it down. She's so damn real and down to earth. I recommend it.
Anyway, believe it or not, I feel better. Wow, I am not used to writing my misery. But now I will be ok tonight, I think. Whoa, gonna go to bed while the goin's good.
Take care of yourselves, peoples.... talk soon.