Probably the most pathetic post ever

Ok, yeah, so I am glum tonight. It's weird, when I get glum, I decide to babble here. Seriously, I am not spending all my days sitting around and moping, but it just works out that I am here when I do feel a little sorry for myself. Maybe because it was 4 weeks ago tonight that we lost mom. That's a month. A lunar cycle (I dunno if it is, but it's gotta be close). Whatever the reason, I am feeling blue. First, earlier in the week ,I was second-guessing everything still about not demanding that we hook her to every machine and do whatever we could. And I still think we should have in hindsight, just to hopefully get her coherent to state her wishes. But, too late for regret now, I guess. But it's something that I will take to the grave because no matter what family and doctors and you people and everyone else say, I know in my heart I should have refused and demanded they do something. I know it in my heart. And don't try to rationalize it to me because I knew it at the time, but I didn't say anything because I was just too tired to deal. But anyway, dealing with that.
Tonight we finally had daughter #2's family birthday party. Her 5th birthday was in July, but because it happened when mom got sick, her family party didn't happen. Poor thing - she told my mother in law a couple weeks ago that "my birthday cake is still in the freezer, you know!". So we had everyone here and had snacks and cake and coffee and she got enough Hannah Montana shit to choke a fucking horse. Good times. It was also glaringly apparent that my mother wasn't here, so it was hard to deal. When I was in the tub, I asked the birthday girl if she had fun and she said yes, but "it's sad that grandma couldn't come" and again sadness and regret. And I don't mean to be a downer. I am just free-form writing what I feel right now. Because tonight is difficult. I don't know why, but it is. And I feel the compulsive urge to write a summary of every day of her illness, because I don't want to forget any of it. I don't know why. Is that sick?
And weirdly, I had these creepy things happen. First, I last night, at 3:30 am we were woken up by somebody's panic alarm in a car going off. We were sure it was our car ,but by the time we got out of bed and found our keys it stopped. Which is what our car does, the horn goes for one minute or something and it stops. Not 100 percent sure it was ours, but sounded like it. Weird thing is, our keys were in the kitchen drawer, so there was no reason for the alarm to go off. Then tonight, I was showing my brother in law some stuff in the garage and he's like "is your van door locking?" because we could here in the driveway the beep of our door lock thing going off. So then I got creeped out thinking it's mom trying to freak me out or tell me something or whatever. So I am creeped out.
Anyway, enough of all that, I vented and it's all good.
Kathy Griffin's new season sort of, well, sucks. I hate to say it.
I can't finish a book since mom died. I don't know what the fuck that's all about. Like I'll leave the last 2 pages and move on to something else. I am fucking nuts I think. LOLOL I have so many books on the go - a new Richard Preston in hardcover, two books about vaccines and polio vaccine in particular, I still haven't finished the Sedaris, some other book recommended to me by the fine folks at Amazon that I can't think of the name, Ira Levin's Sliver, and a couple others.
OMG, I just reread this and I am so boring right now.
I am craving perogies right now. I don't know why, but I want perogies. I wish I had the patience, but I have no desire to learn how to make them. Fuck all that dough-working bullshit, I say. I will make borsht tomorrow and that should be enough to get me through my Ukrainian longings.
I have sweet bugger all to say. I think I might as well call it a night so I can get an early start on tomorrow. And the melancholy will pass - it' just nice to puke it up every once in a while, so bear with me.
xo