Yes, I am still alive. I am surviving. Just like Reba fucking McIntyre. Except I don't have red hair and money. But anyway, I am surviving. I don't even remember what I last wrote. I know I updated you all on my Mom dying the day after or so, and I may or may not have said that I was planning on going away right after that to take the kids to Edmonton. Well, that is exactly what we did. Mom died on Friday night, and we decided to leave the funeral for 2 weeks - why, I have no idea anymore - I think we were just exhausted and shell-shocked. But anyway, my mom kept saying that she hoped we were going on our trip as planned (before she became so criticially ill of course) and since we had it booked, we did it. I went into work Monday morning after she died for a couple hours, and then I packed up the van and off we left that afternoon. And it was hard. I felt guilty that I was escaping the flowers and the phone calls and the hugs, as the news got out. The calls I had to take on the weekend were bad enough, and I couldn't answer a call without busting out into tears. So yeah, it was a good way to avoid it all for a bit, and I felt guilty for it. But I also felt guilty that all the stuff we promised the kids all summer didnt happen, because they were in limbo while we travelled to Saskatoon over and over when mom was in the hospital there. So, we packed up and off we went. As I said, it was hard. It was the hottest day of the summer, in the mid-30s, at least, and WINDY. We drove to North Battleford, which is 2 hours away, and I started to feel panicky. Then we drove to Lloyd, which is an hour beyond there, and I felt REEAALLY panicky, and of course, it was still less than 72 hours since she'd died, so I kept breaking into tears. But you know, after that, the farther away I got, the better I was feeling ,and I kept looking at my excited kids, and knew it would be ok.
And I also feel guilty that I had a blast. A fucking BLAST. We stayed right in the mall, and usually, when we've stayed there in the past, our rooms have been hit or miss. Well, this thing was beautiful and slept EVERYONE. When you have 4 kids, you will need 2 rooms, we've learned. Well, this one had 2 queen beds with feather tops, PLUS bunkbeds, so EVERYONE slept well. Plus the room was HUGE, and the tub was deep as a jacuzzi, and blah blah blah, so it was wonderful. And Margo, when she called me on Sunday, said we should go on the trip because shopping in Edmonton is always good therapy for Rachel and me. Well, bitch, you were exactly right. Each dollar I spent released happiness, I tell you. We went frigging crazy, buying the kids back to school clothes with abandon, and stacks of books, and then I got into the act too. At one point, we went into lululemon because I always love to mock that place, and lo and behold, I walk out with a fucking 100 dollar hoodie. I am such a loser, I know. Anyway, we shopped until we dropped for 12 hours a day, and did the galaxyland thing and then did the waterpark for 6 hours one day, and then on the last day I was dreading going home and sad that we didn't go to Jasper like we were supposed to so my lovely wife called the front desk, found out our room was available for another night, and booked it, and the next morning we took off to Jasper for the day. And so in Jasper we did the little shopping stroll and then went to that canyon - Maligne? I dont know how to spell it - and did the trails there and that was nice and the kids were actually impressed and then we went to good old lakes Edith and Annette and it was so beautiful that I got my swimsuit on and then the kids did, even though it was a cool day, and we swam and had a blast, and then since nobody was around, I went skinny dipping and Rachel got a delightful ass shot of me that I was going to put on here as a banner until I got a look of it, and realized that my ass is hideous. And then we went to the hotsprings which was the kids' favorite thing of the entire trip. And since the hotsprings are on the road past Pocahontas where Chunks and Devo are going soon, I kept wishing we could crash the trip. Anyway , we rolled back into Edmonton after midnight and shopped all the next day and then got home here after midnight.
Then it was back to reality and we had to plan the funeral which involved me writing the obit and the eulogy and I chose the song "Life is Eternal" by Carly Simon for the slideshow of pics, which was wonderful. And we had to deal with a visiting aunt and a lot of family tenseness because you know what work a funeral is, and some of us feel we got stuck doing stuff, but it doesn't matter in the end and it was very beautiful. It was last Friday. Remember too, this is the busiest time at work for me, so I haven't had any down time at all.
But anyway, that's my life right now. And I am ok most of the time, all things considered. But not all the time. Tonight is one of those not so wonderful nights. I think the hardest thing right now is the realization of what a void the loss of a parent leaves. And every day, there are things I think that I have to tell mom about, and then I remember. In Edmonton, I bought the first Chelsea Handler book, My Horizontal Life, which is the funniest thing ever, and was the best therapy. Anyway, there was this one essay in there where she thinks she has slept with a midget, and I was almost pissing myself, and thought "I gotta show this to mom" and then the realization that I won't be doing that. And then in Jasper there were B.C. blackberries, which I haven't had for 25 years, but which my mom and i would always talk about each summer, without fail. Well, I almost bought a flat of them, and thought "I'll split them with mom" and then remembered.... so I didn't get a flat after all.
Then we went to my dad's hometown of Mundare, where they have the world's best kubasa, and I was going to get mom some....
And there was my gravy that needed something tonight so I was going to call her and ask her advice...
And the stories I heard from her friend at the funeral that I kept thinking "I can't wait to tell mom about this" and then remembering that I wasn't going to share any of that with her again.
So it's that what is really bugging me. I dread the holidays this year. I already have dropped many hints that I'd like to take the kids back to Jasper or something for Thanksgiving, but I'm not made of money. But I'd appreciate it if I could avoid at least that one. Xmas, well, I don't want ot think of it.
But i didn't start smoking again, on the plus side. Craved it many times, but wouldn't go there. So that's a plus.....
Anyway, I'm not usually as down as I sound, but I figured I'd fill y'all in on the happenings. I got a letter last week from the hospital about a service they do each month for people who have had loved ones die there, and i know it's morbid and not at all personal, but I think I might be compelled to go. It's tomorrow. I am also wondering if it is rubbing salt in the wound to go. So I dunno. I guess I am undecided at this point.
Oh, and my big Oprah aha moment now is that I finally understand everyone who has lost parents. It's like you join a special club, because suddenly I thought "I finally get it" - all those people you know and think "I'm glad it happened to them and not me" - you know you think it because I did - or those who you think should just get over the grief - or whatever: I get it now. I didn't want to join the club, but I get it. It's like we're those of us without parents and those with.
Oh, and I am not sure if Jenny reads here regularly, but if not, Chunks, could you pass this on for me? Jenny, I am so sorry to hear about your dad - I read your description of his illness and last days I understood so much - we too were thinking, because we were going to a REAL hospital in the city we were going to get answers and great care, and, well, that was pretty much a pile of bullshit, much like you sort of got at VGH. Anyway, I so feel for you right now, and I know what you are going through, and hang in there kiddo, and if you ever want to compare notes, drop me a note on here or snag me through facebook. And thanks for your words.
And thank you all for your words. The sympathy was hard for me because I am not an open book and like to keep it all crammed down inside for my chronic overeating and anxiety to deal with (hahahahahaha!), but you know, the heart-felt words just made me weep because the fact that people actually hurt for you is beautiful in it's own way. And so CHunks, got your card yesterday and thanks, and thanks to you and Dev for your comments, and Margo, I know it was hard for you to call me because we aren't touchy feely with each other, and you knew just what to say. And then I got a call from someone who I used to be close with and am not so much anymore and he sounded so heart-broken for me that I kept thinking why can't we appreciate friendship in the good times?
Margo, our friend with the bum kidneys came to the funeral and hugged me until I thought I was going to burst, and Bridget and my old coworkers.... Ruby couldn't come - she was too freaked out.
Anyhooo, I didn't mean to be a downer - I don't spend all my time blubbering and being low - I just thought I better post what's been happening since then. Don't worry, I'll get back to my bathroom jokes and such soon enough!
Well, I gotta get to bed. Hopefully I'll get to post on the weekend. Stay in touch, all of you, ok?
xo
JT