An Open Letter to Mark Burnette and Jeff Probst, regarding the train-wreck that is Survivor: Redemption Island.

Please keep in mind that I have yet to watch last night's episode - so all of this is based on the first episode of Survivor: It's-Getting-Tired-tu, or whatever it's called.

Look, I know that after so many seasons, it's not like anything is going to be earth-shattering, and a lot of it will seem tired and contrived. I get that. WE, the collective Survivor watchers, get that. We know it's predictable now, with the majority of the people in their 20s, most of them good-looking in the sense that they aren't UGLY, and there will usually be someone gay, someone black, perhaps an Asian or a one-legged girl, a hillbilly, the spunky old woman who won't win because she's secretly either dying of lung cancer or she's just too crazy to be there, the slutty girl who will flirt to get her way, a couple pretty-boys who will sculpt their beards but for some reason will not have a single hair on the chests, backs, or armpits the entire time, etc. Gone are the days of the Outback, or Africa, where the contestants were literally starving and had their eyes sunk into their heads like African foster kids, and the women had hairy legs, and everyone had nits. I seriously wonder about what kind of toiletries they have now. Let me tell you, when it's a holiday week and I don't shower for a few days, my hair turns into some sort of Pee-Wee Herman kind of deal, and this never occurs in a rain forest. How is it that they don't have shit in their teeth and their hair isn't looking like an oil slick? I can brush my teeth 3 times a day, but if I eat a peanut, my teeth will be full of chunks and shit - so how can these people eat 14 coconuts a day and still smile with pearly whites? Someone is slipping them toothbrushes and razors and shampoo. Whatever - it takes some of the adventure out of the whole thing, but whatever - nothing else is on Wednesdays, I guess.

However, I *AM* insulted by this season. I am all for twists, and redemption Island will be interesting. But, I am completely INSULTED that they had to include Russell and Boston Rob.

What a fucking crock of shit! Excuse my swearing, but REALLY. They have those two on there like they are some sort of Survivor experts. Sorry, but if they were EXPERTS, they'd have won the fucking thing by now - they have been given enough chances. I mean, seriously, HOW many times can we see Rob on there? And he's just horrible. From the second I first saw him, I knew his number. Let me tell you, this was Boston Rob: he was a schoolyard bully, calling the weak kids faggot. He most likely roughed up some girlfriend or other, because he was stronger, and made her feel like a stripper. But then he went to Mass and it was all OK. I get that M.O. We all know it. And, Mark Burnett, how fucking FAIR is it to keep having his dick on the show? Ok, so you think it's all a ratings game, but I would rather see Tina or Jerri or someone who WORKED for it, to be a repeat offender. Boston Rob has never won HOW many times? And he lost the Amazing Race... so WHY are you rewarding him again? If that is the American way, I demand Al Gore be elected president for two terms too - he didn't win either!

Fuck me gently.... obviously, Boston Rob couldn't win a beauty contest if all the contestants were disfigured pygmies, so why try to make us believe that he's so superior and Mr. Survivor? Same with Russell. I don't mind him that much, but let's call a spade a spade. Russell spends many lunches in stripper bars, shoving $20 bills up the skanky vaginas of girls named Britney and Rainbow, and he also has a little fetish for demeaning women. But whatever - he will never win because he's ultimately a little crazy. Anyway, I, as a Survivor viewer, am insulted that these two losers were brought back.

And then it seems like Redemption Island was created for them - like "if someone dummies up and votes these psychopaths out, we'll find a way to bring you back." Really? WTF? Basically, you are saying, "We want to give $1,000,000 to Rob or Rupert, come hell or high water, and these other archetypes we brought in are just the pawns to get them there." Well, it's your dime, but I am not sure if I even want to finish this season. Very disappointed in you, Burnett, et al. Because it's like "Oh, we'll put them on an island in case one of these new people vote them out." And then you throw the crazy in there. That Black woman and the older woman had it figured out - get rid of Rob. But you made sure you threw that crazy in there to screw it up. Nobody stepped in when Tina got voted out of All-Stars the first tribal council, but oh, you will do anything to keep these retards in, even if it means bringing in the mentally unstable, which is just bad taste on you.

So I really hope Burnett and Probst can sleep at night - it's like you are covered in sleaze.

Peace Out.