It's really late. I've drank some wine before bed. I am typing in bed. The combination of these things does not a good post make. However, Roxy lit a fire under my flat feet when she said she a) bought Cheer detergent and b) is mad at stupid Superstore and will ban it because they do not carry sweet fuck all for products, and she'd rather be dead, or red, or in bed, or something like that before she'd buy Superstore brand detergent. Well, honey, let me say I am with you 100%. I actually have notes for a post I will get around to writing someday about this very thing, but I'll give a condensed version right now.
I am a product whore. Yes, you heard me, a product whore. Wave some new product in front of me, and I will be orgasmic. I am also fiercely loyal to some products. It's been this way since my earliest childhood, and I don't rightly know why. As a lil' gaffer, I paid way too much attention to what products where in people's carts, and what products they used in their homes, and I still can recite some oddities that would make you question my sanity. For example, I can tell you the kind of bar soap in my neighbor's bathroom when I was 7 years old (Zest), what kind of deoderant my best friend's dad used (Right Guard in a can), etc. I also remember what brand of cigarettes all of my parents' friends smoked when I was a kid. Why did I process all of this information like it meant anything? I have no clue. But I knew what brands I wanted to use, that's for damn sure. I would spend way too much time imagining how great it would be when I was a grown up and could furnish my house with products of my choosing. I'd proudly saunter through Super Valu (where I was going to shop because it smelled like fresh bread in there) and would greet friends in passing, proudly displaying all of the Ivory and Pears soap, Campbell's Tomato soup, and Oxydol in my cart. I'd be the coolest guy shopping, confident with my hip brands, gleefully pushing my cart in my platform heels and satin jacket (this WAS the 70's).
Perhaps I was this complete mental retard because my parents were bargain hunters. I guess with 4 kids, you had to be, but I was always embarassed by the stuff we bought. Why, I don't know, because to my knowledge, the cool kids from school never broke into our house, riffled through our cupboards, and saw that we bought Splendor Macaroni instead of the estetically pleasing box of Creamettes I just had to have. But, alas, I was always ashamed. First off, we shopped at this store called "Prairie Market" which was a bare-bones warehouse looking place where you not only bagged your own stuff, but you PRICED it as well. You wrote the price with a grease pen on the products, so instead of the nice type-written tag, you got a gross, greasy scrawl on all your canned vegetables. As I said, I wanted to shop at Super Valu, with their bread-smelling bakery and automatic rotating counters at the check out.
But we filled our house with things such as 4 quart bottles of watery Egg Shampoo and Creme Rinse, Freshie (not Kool Aid like everyone else, but FRESHIE, for shit sake), strange brands of canned veggies (never green giant), and the whole gamut of "Western Family" products. True, some things we bought name brand, and never budged on, but I wanted it all.
Now, to make me seem even more strange, I had this huge laundry obsession, and always wanted to buy Oxydol, because the shit smelled dope. But no, we always bought ABC or worse, Surf, and the shit was so gross it wouldn't disolve and cake on your clothes. Never Downy, either, just Bounce. Sometimes I would buy my own Oxydol - but I don't want to admit this, because that just makes me seem crazier than Augusten as a child, God love you my homeboy.
So, I will comment more on that shit later, when I write this post completely, and I will tell you all of the products I had to have back then. But for now, let's get back to Chunks, and what she lamented about Superstore not having the products you need. They NEVER do, and half the time they really DO have it, but don't put it out. My nephew used to work there, and he said they'd sit on piles of stuff in the back and would be ordered not to put it out, and why, I don't know, probably to get people to buy their store brand shit. And it is true, their selection sucks. I am glad that people like Chunks didn't give in and buy their brand of detergent but instead went for the Cheer. But one trend that is happening down the laundry aisle that is symptomatic of all products is what I call the Tidization of the marketplace. What I mean is, one brand dominates, and all other selection goes down the toilet. Again, I am using laundry detergent to illustrate my point. Think back 30 years, or even 20: You went to the market to buy some detergent for your clothes, and you had these to choose from: Tide, Cheer, Oxydol, Bold, ABC, Surf, Whisk, Era, Sunlight, Arctic Power, Ivory Snow, Dreft, plus a whole lot more I am forgetting at the moment. Then came along Tide with Bleach, which really was Oxydol with less scent, but still, competition is good. Then, suddenly, the other brands disappear, and Tide just makes a bunch of different scents and formulas. Tide with Bleach, Lemon Tide, Mountain Spring Tide, Clean Breeze Tide, Tide Free, All of these available in ultra or original, and Tide with Febreze, and Tide with a Touch of Downy.... on and on. And then all the liquid Tides. And the U.S. has even MORE kinds of Tide. Well, whoopdee doo you are saying. But then look at the shelves. It's all Tide products, with a little Cheer thrown in, and just a little bit of other shit. All the old brands are gone. Same thing with Fabric Softeners. There used to be Downy, Fleecy, Fluff, the pink shit, Rain Barrel... now it's a bunch of different Downy products. I know that Proctor and Gamble owned most of the brands anyway, but it bothers me that there is no choices left. And this TIDIZATION is all over places like Superstore. Look at canned veggies. It used to be lots of choices. Now it's generic or Green Giant. Or soup. I have to have Aylmer's Tomato Soup, but because most places just have Campbells or the store brand, it's hard to find. It's crazy. It's bigger stores, more shelf space, but no fucking choices. True, in the states, there is a lot of choice, and I almost get something akin to sexual pleasure being in an American supermarket or Walmart, just becauee of the product choices. But here, we don't have any of that. It's just generic, the main brand, and nothing else. And it's just not right.
Blame free trade, blame the market economy, blame your parents.... the truth is, Tidazation has ruined shopping for whores like us. So when you reject President's Choice detergent, or wax beans, or dental floss, you are flipping the bird to the man. God love ya.
Long may you run, you rebels, you.
Seacrest out.
