To Pineapple, on her 37th Birthday

Well, I have nothing to say tonight, but I wanted to pop in here and try to cheer a friend up. My friend, Pineapple, is going through a hellish time right now, if she wants to admit it or not. So, I thought, let's just be silly tonight. But of course, since I have no funny story to tell, it may be difficult, so I am just going to talk about things that are near and dear to her heart.
My friend, she loves herself some little people. Not like in a "gee, I wish I was one" sense, because she's sort of borderline zverg in some aspects - barely 5 feet tall - but in the "I am fascinated in how they function sexually" aspect. Like, once she admitted that when she thought of zvergs doing it, she sort of pictured the zverg being "spun around" and then said "I am a horrible person." Of course, now every time I see Fantasy Island or whatever (not the Roloffs, though, because that fiesty mama Roloff ain't letting anyone spin her around), I just picture someone spinning the top zverg around like a top. So, dear friend, thanks for the debachery. And now every time i hear Flo-Rida's You spin me round remake, I'll be thinking of the spinning top zverg move. It's so wrong, but baby, it's so right.
Pineapple also shared on her blog once about this riddiculous thing she blurted out during orgasm. Trust me, it was almost as weird as that Seinfeld episode where Jerry tries to talk dirty in bed and asks if his partner's mother picked out her panties. ANYWAY, I had to admit to Pineapple once that I blurted out something that made my wife stop and start laughing and said "that reminds me of Pineapple" because it was equally stupid. So anyway, I've got another one that would make her laugh - but I did it intentionally. We have these friends, who have a daughter who is 3, and since the father is bilingual, he has taught his daughter French as well, so he's always speaking to her in a mixture of languages. That's great, but it's always funny, because he'll go "attention, Nora!" (pronounced ah-ten-see-own). So anyway, we always say that as a joke, so one night, whilst Rachel and I are having relations, I yell out "Ah-ten-see-own, Rachel!) and then, of course, we had to stop and laugh. Yeah, good times. I thought she'd appreciate that.
What else is funny that will make her happy.... oh, well, Pineapple has this relation who supposedly has the second sight. Well, if that's so, why the fuck can't she tell Pineapple things in advance so she is prepared for them? Like, Pineapple had a little car wreck in the winter - wouldn't she have picked that up and called her to tell her to stop driving? I don't get it - UNLESS..... Unless she WANTED Pineapple to fly off the bridge, into the raging waters of the Chatahootchie. Hmmmm....... that's very interesting... Hmmmmmmm.....
Another interesting thing about Pineapple is that she used to use real names on her own blog... that is, until she made a comment about this fat fuck she went to high school with, and he turned out to google his name, and found out. So, now this fat ass made her feel bad and she's had to apologize to him - much the same way I had to apologize to an entire discussion list with a readership in the hundreds, after I mistakenly sent a mocking email to the entire list, instead of to the person I meant to send it to privately. But you know, the bitch was pretentous as fucking hell, so really, I should have just said "yeah, that's right, you have a stick up your ass". Ah, well.
Anyway, I can't think of anything else to say right now, so I'll call it a night. So, I hope this took your mind off of things, Pineapple - take my advice from the other day, and tomorrow, go on a shopping spree at Fields. You deserve it!
Seacrest out.