Saturday, May 23, 2009

I'm not exactly in a good mood right now. In fact, I shouldn't be blogging because I am so not in a good mood, and I am listening to a children's choir sing "Landslide" and it's all too much. Maybe I'm overtired, maybe I'm just down, but I just feel.... well, I'd say weepy without being weepy. And crabby. It's just a culmination of things, I guess. It's the constant mourning that never seems to abate and that seems to gnaw at me with more gusto than before, and that both annoys me and freaks me out and what the fuck ever. And we are leaving next week for our trip to Disneyland and that sort of freaks me out because it's a long frigging way and so part of me worries about that undertaking, and the whole what if something happens to the van/the kids get sick/we get robbed/ you name it, I've thought about it. It's just stupid, but I think it. And then I freak out because it's a lot of frigging money we are spending when there are things that need doing around here, and Rachel is taking the summer off of work, and blah blah blah.... that weighs on me. And I am fat as a fucking flabby manbitch. Remember at Xmas when I lost all that weight? Well, I've gained 20 lbs back and everything is tight or doesn't fit me, and I am so not comfortable in my own skin right now and I don't feel good physically when I am overweight, and boo fucking hoo. And I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that this is all because i eat compulsively at night, or drink wine, because I am grieving and it's what I do to comfort myself. So that is freaking me out because I just feel out of control. Then Chunks is dealing with mother stuff too, and so now I feel like I am all pushy trying to get her to make this relationship with her, when if it was me, I'd hate the advice because I have come to realize that I can dish it out but I can't take it. I love to tell people what to do, but say something to me, and I'll resent you forever. Anyway, I don't even know her mother, Saffron, but the thought that she might be going through this, well, it's all freaking me out too. So I don't know, it's just a bleak night. I am still trying to plan this trip and all the obsessive compulsice routes I planned are going out the window but I am freaked out not to have stuff booked, and I don't know. I can' t make a decision to save my life. Little stupid things like "should we stay at this national park or not" are turning into grand obsessions that I can't wrap my head around. It's all part of my control freak nature, I know.
And this will reveal how weird I am - the dishwasher smelled like, well, smoked meat, tonight, and I realized that it was because there was a wooden spoon that fell on the drying element thing. And it was all burned. And then I didn't want to throw it away because I realized it was one of my mom's wooden spoons. How fucked up is that? LOL, seriously, that exemplifies why I hoarde things and have connections to songs and old stuff and whatever. I swear, when I die, I will come back and haunt every damn thing I ever touched. LOL, look out Sally-Ann people who get my old gitch - I'll be kicking you in the nuts, imporing you to get the fuck out of my drawers.
Holy moly, am I whining.
On an amusing note, I met a woman today named Belinda, and her middle name was Belle. I thought that was sort of funny.
Seriously, Huey Lewis? Why was he ever famous? I remember my sister bought me "Sports" for my 14th birthday and I was all "wtf?" Kinda like when my friend bought me Quiet Riot for Xmas that year. I was all "wtf will I do with this shit?" LOL I bought myself Lionel Ritchie's "Can't Slow Down" that same xmas, and I was all "WTF" right after. It was like I was high or something.
Holy, some fat fuck is on George Stambolopoulopolopoloupolis tonight. I pray to sweet Jesus that I am not as fat as him. John Pinette. Whoever the hell that is. He's not funny, that's for damn sure.
Odd thing - as I get older, the hair in my nose is getting freakishly longer, and it's turning gray. How fucking creepy is that? Too much info? Well, go read somebody else, sunshine.
You fucking people have to buy the new Stevie Nicks concert DVD. Seriously, don't be so motherfucking cheap - just go buy it. My kids are addicted. They LOVE Stand BACK and If Anyone Falls.
I wish all y'all knew the people I knew in real life, because I have such interesting, stupid stories, but you have to know these people to appreciate it all.
My neighbor and old school friend, let's call her Bardot, has this cat that had kittens last night. Gray ones, like mine. If someone would take my dogs, I'd get one. Anyone want two awesome dogs? They need homes where they will be appreciated more. Here, well, they are more pains in the arse. Sad but true. I have never seen dogs who shit so much. Seriously, if I don't scoop poop every two days, it looks like our lawn was just aerated. And most of it is dead because of their acidic piss. Of course, it doesn't kill dandelions. Hell no.
What do you think of George Stobolopoloupolis? I mostly like him, but sometimes he's just too fucking wink wink precious, you know what I mean?
Well, one child, I dunno who, is up in the bathroom, so i better check it out.
whew, i feel so much better. everyone needs to be a pathetic whiner once in a while. whine away - it'll do you good.


At 9:35 AM, Blogger Roxrocks said...

I never hate the advice. It's so rare that I ever solicit it from people (in my real life too) that when I get it, I absorb it and take what I want from it and wipe my ass with the rest of it. HAHA! Yours was truly the voice of reason though, this week. I listened to Vanilla yesterday when she told me to stop with the worrying. I just let it go. I really did. I can't control what happens so I'm just wasting energy. Bing bing aha moment alert!

Now, this whole thing about your trip?! Don't ruin this for yourself by being a spaz about it. Seriously, just let it roll big daddy! When you feel yourself obsessing, start singing "Memories...light the corner of my mind..." and try to keep that as your focus. And for hell's sake, take tons of pictures and video because you will never get this time back!

And don't talk to me about fat. I tried the pants on that I wore to Em's grad last year? Um, the buttons are two inches from touching the button holes!!! Holy fat ass! I think you and I need to challenge each other to a slim'd probably win though because you seem like the competitive type. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chin up little buckeroo. Oh and I watched that fucking Children's choir sing that song too the other day and was going to send you the link but I thought it would put you over the edge too. I was bawling like a mofo. Something about kids singing just devastates me.

At 7:32 AM, Blogger Margo said...

I agree with Rox, don't get yourself in a tizzy about the trip, roll with it.
It will be so fun, your kids will remember it forever, especially all the side trips you planned. I wish I had parents like you guys when I was a kid.


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