On Pineapple Juice, Mormons, and Haiti: Or, What Happened to Connie Chung to make her stay married to Maury?

-- I don't get something - what is the deal with pineapple juice? I just went to pour myself some, and realized yet again that when the carton is full and unopened, the "shake well" warning means nothing - it might as well say "bend over and shove your tongue up your ass until you taste liver" because it's something you just can't do. Seriously, the carton is always so full that nothing will "shake" and you go to pour it, and it's clear like urine, instead of cloudy and juicy. So then that means that the next person who shakes and pours will get a double dose of the pineapple. Why don't they put pineapple juice in 1.5 litre cartons, and just put a litre of juice in? That way, it may there will be room for the juice to move. So now I am drinking pineapple flavored water, really. It's making the fattening wine in my fridge sound all the more tempting. And believe me, with the past few weeks I've had, fattening wine really should be on the menu.

-- First, you know how horrible it ALWAYS is for me to get back into work after Xmas. I bitch about it every year. However, it was so NICE to have downtime for one in my life. Seriously, we NEVER, EVER just BE like we did this year. I didn't get changed out of my Xmas sleep pants for days, I grew a beard, I read books, I played Mario, I watched tv. I didn't spend much time cleaning or planning or doing constructive stuff. So after getting a taste of the life, it was a pain to go back to real life. And work is always horrid this time of year. And so I was running ragged, and I still feel like I can't keep up and in some cases I don't know what the hell I am doing, and so that's been crazy. THEN, daughter #2 has been having the same school anxiety that daughter one had in the same grade, and it began at the same time as her's did. So each morning, it's tears to get her to school. She's fine once she gets in the door, but getting there is, well... hell. So that's been tough. However, we kept thinking that if she found some real friends in her grade 1 class, she'd feel better, so this little boy in her class moved in 2 doors down. It's exciting, because we don't have that many kids on our street. SO we said to her "one day, we'll have him over" and then said "if we clean the playroom this week, you can ask him over" and then last night they cleaned the playroom and today she said "can we have him over?" so I said "go see if he wants to come" and he came over and they had their little play date and he said when he walked in "I'm sorta nervous!" and by the end he said "you're my best friend!" And as soon as I saw them walking to our house, I got so excited I went and baked 6 dozen cookies so they could have a good snack. LOL, I'm such a softie.

On top of all of that, my MIL finally got out of the hospital on New Year's Eve, and wasn't getting any better and Rachel was so stressed and she finally went back in the other night and last night had semi-emergency surgery and NOW she's recovering, but it was a MONTH today she had surgery originally which they sent her home after 6 hours. I can't believe it. Anyway, it's been a week of stress and worry and tears for my wife, and the kids have picked up on it, and so it's just been tough. And the original crackpot surgeon she had that fucked her up used to be a WOMAN! We almost fell over, but he's a voluptuous fellow, so it all makes sense why he's all curves and ass. But fuck, she/he is a dickhead.

And one of the kids got a virus on our computer - it looks like the same virus that we had to wipe out our other one because of (holy poor grammar in that sentence). So, I tried to be He-man tonight and tried to fix it, and at one point I thought I may have, and it's sort of fixed in a way, but it's still there - but the computer seems to be working (I'm on the laptop). I just don't want to lose my picture or my itunes. No, I back nothing up. I'm a loser. But this thing is serious.

I feel like a scmuck even complaining because I look at Haiti and I can't comprehend. You know, I go on and on about being orphaned at 38 and about poor me having trouble dealing with it, and all this other shit, and look at Haiti. And then I think "so why am I where i am? Shouldn't I be doing something to make a difference in the world?" I just don't know. It just boggles the mind about what's happening there.

What else..... hmmmm. I gotta tell you, I wish they would have hired Victoria Beckham instead of Ellen on Idol - I really, really liked that Spice Girl. I don't know if she was Sporty or Posh or Dirty or Dopey or Sneezy, but I like her on Idol. Mary J Blige though? Yet again, wtf is so great about her? I don't get it. And that fucking arm tattoo makes her look like some kind of woman convict. And I am sad to say, but I don't even realize Paula isn't there.

OH! And remember 4.5 years ago, when I got my new job? Well, it is FINALLY PERMANENT! It's been term since 2005, and they finally made it permanent, and I signed the letter and sent it back yesterday. So there is good news in 2010.

I had a nice visit with the Mormons last Saturday. I am scared they are coming back soon. You see, they came one day and Rachel said she didn't have time to talk. So last Saturday, I saw them across the street and said "there's some Mormons" and she was all "I didn't do my hair, you get it" and sure enough, they came to the door. So we got to talking and I asked them about their mission and how they ended up here and where they were from and of course, since I loved Utah so much, I wanted to talk about that, so we had a nice visit and then I asked how many Mormons there were here in Stinktown because they were sort of shocked about how indifferent people here were to religion and I talked about my own Catholic and Pentecostal experiences and they want to come back and show us some book and they will just pop in sometime, I know it, but I can't be rude to Mormons like I can to Jehovahs because they are here to serve. They were like "we're on a mission and do you have anything you want us to do?" and if I had leaves to rake, I would have got them out there, so I told them my neighbor had a stroke so if it snowed ever to shovel his walk and then we talked about a coworker of mine who is a Mormon. I FORGOT TO TELL YOU!!!! I found out right before Xmas my neighbor and coworker, let's call her Beatrice, is a MORMON. AND I'VE TALKED ABOUT MORMONS IN FRONT OF HER MANY TIMES! I JOKED ABOUT HER BEING A MORMON TO HER FACE! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!
Beatrice is really nice and always go to our staff room at the same time I do. Well, she doesn't drink coffee. And doesn't drink Coke. And one day I said "Gee Bea, when'd you become a Mormon!" and we had this awkward laugh and I thought "she can't be one.... right?" WELL, SHE FUCKING IS......... So, I ask the Mormons about her, saying "Bea down the road is one, but I don't know how active she is" thinking maybe she isn't really into it, and Elder Whatever goes "Oh, Bea, she's REALLY active. Sweet woman!" and I throw up a little in my mouth because I feel so horrible for making the Mormon joke and for talking about all the Mormons in Utah, and whatever, and for saying my big line "THOSE MORMONS ARE ONTO SOMETHING BECAUSE UTAH IS PARADISE!" It could only happen to me.

-- Anyway, I am sure I'll see the Mormons again this weekend because I couldn't just say "don't come back." And then Rachel had me panicked because the entire time I was talking to them, I am standing in the doorway, wearing my slovenly Xmas sleep pants THAT HAVE NO FUCKING BUTTON IN THEM and she said "you were probably hanging out the entire time" and so now God only knows... if that was the case.... oh man, I can't even think about it.

-- Oh, and OK, but Leno - obviously, you shoudl retire. You have 400 TRILLION DOLLARS. GO HOME AND FUCK MAVIS ON A MOTORCYCLE. Nobody is crying to have you on TV. Conan, well, I like Conan, but he's an aquired taste. But you gave him the gig fair and square, and it ain't like you are in the typing pool union and have to bump him because of seniority rights. YOU ARE LOADED. GO HOME. I think Letterman and Kimmel rule late night anyway.
OH, Conan had Rosanne Cash on the other night! It was FUCKING HEAVEN! Rachel got all mad at me because she was stressed and doing some stuff for work, so I taped it and then rewound the performance 5 times until she yelled "for fuck's sake, we've heard that shit 4 times!" But man, it was an AWESOME performance. Rosanne Cash really is the best thing since Joni. The more I think of it, the more my dream evening would be to have dinner with Rosanne and her husband John Levanthal. But yeah, that ain't gonna happen.


And that is my sad existence. I guess I should get to bed and read or something. I just wanted to say I am still here and tell you about the month of January. If all y'all can't sleep, you should google Belinda Metz's "Take me as I am" - I saw that video the other day and completely forgot about it. And then tonight I saw Luba's "Innocent (With and Explanation)" and rewound it 4 times. I love Luba too, although she ain't no Rosanne Cash.

Anyway, have a good weekend all y'all. I'll try to post tomorrow - I really want to write a review of the Giffels book, because it's so damn good.

Peace out.