Celebs for Haiti: The REAL Story

-- First off, let me vent that on my Blackberry, I cannot comment on certain blogs (*ahem* Chunks). I write these long-winded things, hit send, and get an error. So, Chunks, I had a whole bunch of constructive things to say yesterday about the parent'hood, but fuck if I remember what the hell they were now when I'm NOT on the BB. Anyway, I tried.

-- So, the "Celebrities look serious for Haiti" special is on now - on pretty much every channel. I missed the first hour and then some, but am catching some now that it's ending. Now, let me say this: I am nauseated and sort of panicked about Haiti, more so than I even am about most natural disasters. It makes so much of what I bitch about seem so trivial and I feel like I am horrible for these "problems" I whine about. Every time I sigh about something this week, I think "gee, you sure are downtrodden, being a 40 year old orphan with a wife and 4 healthy kids and a well-paying job with a roof over your head and food in the fridge". So, believe me, I am not living in a bubble.

-- However, I just a a few things to say about this telethon. Yes, George Clooney is a wonderful man - I mean, that's what they all they tell us. And I applaud him for throwing this together, because i don't think I could even pull off a chili lunch for Haiti at this point. No, it's a great idea. But I just am wondering a few things. You know how i always come down hard on my celebs because they think they are so special. In particular, the Brangelinas, Julia Roberts, etc. Well, Julia Roberts still annoys the everloving fuck out of me, and tonight was no different. She was sitting there, in some vaguely odd-looking drab sweater thing, talking to Mabel from Mobile on the phone, and it was all too much. But of course, I also was thinking "gee JT, maybe you are jaded because it's Julia." But, then everyone started singing. And it was just so.... weird. It was like that 9/11 telethon. Really serious. And yes, Haiti is serious. But I keep thinking of the telethons when I was a kid, where it was 20 hours of celebs and local yokels performing and having to talk to the audience and answer phones and ad-lib and entertain. I really believe the entertaining part is key. Tonight, it was so serious. No smiles, no applause, no nothing. Just celebs wearing black or dark colors, and trying to be serious. No banter - just sing your song and you are gone. The first telethon I ever gave to was this one I used to watch at New Years when I was a kid. Celebs were on it of all kinds, and it would be full of mis-cues, and flubs and banters, and entertaining. I can't remember what the telethon was for, but me and my next door neighbor called in and pledged a dollar each. Tonight, my kids would have been bored stiff and wouldn't have offered a dime because it was so scripted and had no audience or life of any kind. I would have loved to see it go on for 24 hours. In Saskatchewan, one of the coolest things is Telemiracle, the Kinsmen telethon each year. It's 20 hours long, it's hokey as all fucking hell, but the 4th rate celebs are there and give it their all, and every club in the province shows up giving a donation, and you know, it's unique and special and it makes a HELL of a lot of money. SO if they would have let their hair down, rocked out, spent the night, entertained a crowd, well.....
But whatever. I'm just saying a big Jerry Lewis telethon might have been cool.
So now that it's over and the money is in, let me critique a few celebs. First, Madonna. Rocky, you were right - she did have a facelift. I was sad to see that. I think she'd have been cool to watch grow old. Anyway, she was singing "Like a Prayer" but it had no umph. She sounded sort of odd, and she didn't have a fucking clue what to do with her arms. She was trying to be all gangsta-stance, but it wasn't working, and when the choir was singing, she was clapping with the mic and it was strange. It sort of worked, but was sort of weird.
And then there was Justin Timberlake. Well fuck, you know I hate to admit it, but I fucking own his two albums. Yes, I know, I know. But I do. I'd never blurt that out at a car show or anything, but FUCK, that damn bastard can sing, and that high voiced dance shit he does on the first album is good. And "Sexyback" - well, I admit, I know every word - go ahead, be gone with it. ANYWAY. I wasn't in the room at the time, but I heard strains of "Hallelujah". I have this love/hate relationship with that song. A love relationship because, simply put, I really LOVE that fucking song. A hate relationship because every damn singer trying to be serious or "deep" sings the song. Or people who try to be pretentious and pretend they are so deep will talk about how that is their favorite song. I am secure enough in my intellect to proclaim that I don't get the big deal about Leonard Cohen. We have friends who pretty much orgasm at the mention of his name, but, if I am keeping the sexual analogy, I can't even get hard with that shit. I don't know what the hell he's singing about, nor do I care. Joni Mitchell's "Rainy Night House" is supposedly written for him, as they were playing hide the sausage back in the day, and I love that frigging song, but anything of his, well... meh. But I love Hallelujah. And Timberlake did it really well. But holy shit Batman, that dude was taking himself so seriously I wanted to burst out laughing. It was just too much. And then Jennifer Hudson came on singing "Let It Be", but I can't say anything about that, because whatever she sings, she commands complete respect. She has no pretention at all.

-- Ok, and what in the FUCK is on Brad Pitt's face? Seriously?? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I don't know what he's trying to state with that fucking thing, but it's like a fucking Armenian armpit hanging off his chin. Those ZZ Top dudes would be rolling over in their graves if they were dead. What does that mean? I should google it - does a long goatee mean he's Rastafarian or something? It must have some "SYMBOLIC" meaning. I think I saw Aniston on the phones next to Stevie Wonder. Honey, you dodged a fucking bullet with that one. Thank your lucky stars you are single and 40. Hell, even Sandra Bullock's trailer trash/jailbird looking husband looks better than that shit. Let him have his blood-wearing/brother-fucking 'ho - your daddy is on Days of Our Lives, and ain't nobody can take that shit away from you.

-- Lady Gaga is on 20/20 right now. Seriously, they call her the next Madonna?? Honey, your 5 minutes are almost up - bask in the flaming piano glow now. Rah-rah-ga-ga-ga indeed, bitch.

-- Did you notice that it looked like Jay-Z had his finger up his nose tonight? And what's the big deal with him anyway?? This will sound racist or something, but I can't tell any of this rap shit apart, unless it's Eminem bitching about his trailer-trashy mother- my favorite line of his is "I just settled all my lawsuits/fuck you Debby!" in regards to his ever-suing mother in the trailer. Anyway, I love that Jay-Z/Alicia Keys song, "Empire State of Mind" or whatever it's called, but it's really for her chorus and not his rapping. Anyone could rap, and I wouldn't know the difference. Is my almost 40 years showing?

-- Ok, I will say one nice thing - you know how I always complain about Beyonce? Well, as time goes on, the more I realize I sort of enjoy her. My kids love that "Single Ladies" shit, and I still think "If I were a Boy" is shocking. It just hits you in the gut. So.... maybe I sort of will cut her some slack.

-- Oh, and as for Idol last night - I loved the "heartfelt" stories - the daddy with the autistic kid (although I might have cheered for him because he was fat like me) and that jailbird dude, but that girl with the droopy face? Not so much. I found her sort of annoying.

-- Oh man, I am so glad it's the weekend. It's been one HELL of a fucking week (hence the liberal use of the "f" word). My mother in law is still in the hospital, and she is slowly recovering from her surgery. She's been laid up since Dec. 15th, and has been back in the hospital for almost 2 weeks now. Anyway, she was in horrible, horrible pain on Tuesday and Wednesday and its a long story, but it was quite frightening, so Rachel has been at the hospital a lot, and was there until 2:30 am on Wednesday, so we are REALLY tired and such. Good news is that we think she's on the mend now. But let me say this - I would, in a second, vote for two-tiered health care, because from what I've seen here the past month, the Canadian system isn't working. Bullshit is what it is.

-- So, my wife has been really worried and preoccupied with her mom this month, and we've missed so many of the kids' activities, and have had no sleep and have just been so stressed. THEN, to make matters worse, on Monday, baby boy fell down our tile stairs, got a huge bump on the head, a bleeding nose, and broke his front tooth on the top. He chipped half of it off. So, that has been stressful. We took him to the Dr. and dentist and are just sort of waiting to see what will happen. I hate to think he may lose the tooth or have a black, dead tooth, or a half-missing tooth, but she said to wait a few weeks until it gets stronger and we'll see. So, that's stressful. Then, he ended up fevered yesterday and today, really high, and we took him to the doc today and he said his throat is red but didn't seem infected, but tonight he got all pale and pooped a lot, so I wonder if he's got the flu. I've had the shits myself tonight, if you care. So, that's icing on the cake. Anyway, life has been beyond stessful this month. Seriously - you have no idea how stessful it's been. The poor kids. Anyway, I could be in Haiti, so I'll shut up.

-- I keep dreaming my cat is dying. I dunno what that means, but it disturbs me.

-- We are getting our first winter storm of the year. We have had hardly any snow - in fact, I have been able to see the leaves on my lawn all winter, and my kids didn't have enough snow to make a snowman this winter, but that will change this weekend. Supposed to get 10-15 cms in this big storm. OH, but I am pissed at the Weather Channel, because I turned it on today to see the forecast, since it's been freezing rain for 24 fucking hours, and people are talking of this storm. Well, their "Top Story" is "Storm Watch", and they are talking of the same storm, but only about WHEN IT HITS ONTARIO. I am not making this up. It's all "on Monday, Northern Ontario will get wind and rain, and then......" and I am thinking "excuse me, but WE are getting a foot of snow in parts of the prairie (WInnipeg will get it especially bad) but no mention of that. Well, fuck you and your Eastern focus. Maybe we SHOULD separate from all y'all.
I might be a little defensive right now because the other night, when Rachel was at the hospital until 2:30, I watched fucking C-PAC waiting for her, and it was some McLean's magazine special about "The West is In: Now What" or something - about the growing west. And it was so condescending. And today in the Dr.'s office, there was an article in McLeans about the West and this dude was refuting western growth, and I just want to punch all those smug Ontarians in the nose, since they think they are the center of the universe. I was ready to say that the four western provinces and the territories should just tell the East to take the Queen and fuck themselves. Sorry, I am especially cantakerous this week.

-- On a totally different note, I completely feel for Elizabeth Edwards. Note to politicians - if you let your dick lead you around, get that shit clipped first.

-- And I will leave you with that. I hope all y'all have a good weekend, and I'll blab at y'all later.