Barry Manilow, Liza Minelli, and one Hung Grandfather!

Yes, my friends, China Lily Soya Sauce is back on the market in Canada. It was quite the crisis in my family. Rachel has sworn by China Lily since I've known her. Myself, well, I didn't know jack shit about soya sauce. Let me tell you, though, my girl was right. China Lily is da man! So anyway, last fall we kept noticing that it was always gone when we went to buy some, and then one day I mentioned it to my mother, who said "oh yes, it's off the market for a while, there was a death in the maker's family and people are selling it on ebay." Now, I didn't know what was freakier - that China Lily was off the market, or the very fact that my mother used the term ebay where it actually made sense and sounded like she knew what she was talking about, because I know for a fact that she really has no idea what ebay is and probably doesn't really understand the internet still - at least she didn't say "they are selling it on the ebay". Anyhoo, she had heard this whole thing on the radio (we all listen to talk radio all day, and I guess I missed the day that the China Lily thing was on the phone in). So, I panicked and spread the word, and there was a definite void in our lives for a while there. We tried Kikkoman, because Rachel had it somewhere and liked it, but I thought it was revolting. It was like malt liquor or something. As Simon Cowell would say, utterly revolting. So we got a big fucking jug of the shit sitting in my fridge if you want it. Well anyhoo, everyone knew we were hurting for a fix because in January my brother in law called and said "I'm in the store and there is China Lily" and I screamed "GET US ONE!" Then, of course, I realized shortly after it is out all over again, so all is well. I must admit, I also like the kind that comes with Chinese food, Wings or whatever it is. My wife is the expert though, and says there is no comparison.
So, Cutie, I know what you went through with the missing China Lily. I always get panicky when I can't find something I like because as you all read, everything I like gets taken off the market (I forgot to mention Lipton's Turkey noodle soup - the round noodle one, and Excel dish soap), and every time I am in Liquidation World, I scan the shelves for products taken off the market. Yes, I am mental.
So you know what commerical completely freaks the living hell out of me? It's the one with the grandpa and the teenage boy in the kitchen - it's some sort of ClubHouse product, a spice or something, I don't remember. Anyway, the grandfather is rambling on and tells the kid to pay attention to his cooking because girls like guys who cook, and the kid says "is that why grandma fell in love with you?" and the old man looks at him and says "no" and the kid goes "well, why did....OH" and they share this knowing smirk, and that's it. Well, I thought it was just me, so last year I quizzed Rachel, Sharon, and someone else at work what they thought the commerical meant, and we all thought the same thing: the old guy is implying he is hung like a horse, which is why grandma married him. Well, could this be any more disturbing? This kid is finding out a) his grandfather has a cock like a stallion b) his grandmother digs said big cock c) the kid obviously would have gotten a mental picture of the grandparents getting it on, and does not appear the slightest bit traumatized. Is it just me, or is this commerical morally wrong? It just grosses me out to no end - I'm as hip as the next guy, but if my grandparents, God rest their souls, were talking about such things to me, I would have had to turn asexual. Hell, my dad used to say "brasierre" and the only time I heard him mention private parts was when they were having this party and they were talking about some woman they knew who had some operation, and my dad said "Louise (that's the pseudonym I'll give my mom), what operation did Stella have? Was it on her hole?" and I was hiding in the kitchen thinking "HOLE"?? If he ever would have implied "Well, you know, your grandfather was quite endowed, and you know your Baba (his parents were Ukrainian) quite liked that thing", I would have had to leave home then and there. So, I dunno, maybe the commerical doesn't imply that, but if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, honey, I think it's a damn duck.....
It's funny, because my father was always so clammy talking about sex. I of course, knew everything, or thought I knew everything as a kid, and I remember we got this letter from the school about this father/son night. It was the sex talk night. I am having deja vu telling this story, so maybe I blogged this once before? Anyway, I didn't want to go, but I think my sister guilted me into going and so we had to sit in the gym while the dads watched the movie, and then we all watched it together. It was so stupid, from like 1965 or something, with these guys with big afros playing basketball and somehow it segued into this puberty thing and about the only thing they really said was that you'd get hairy and have wet dreams, but they didn't elaborate what that exactly was. I rolled my eyes in my typical fashion (if you know me, you know the look) and they also had a little booklet called "what every boy should know" and on the walk home I kept trying to grab it from him, but he wouldn't give it to me. So, a couple weeks later I found it stashed in my desk drawer. And that, my friends, was my sex talk. So, the thought of discussing the size of my grandfather's penis in the kitchen just doesn't ring true for this boy. Anyway, enough of that.
So I was at Shoppers tonight (or "HOOPERS" as my cute little 2 year old pronounces it because she can't say her "s'es") and I bought some more Method floor cleaner. Shoppers (or Hoopers) carries Method products, which are the cat's ass. But anyway, it got me thinking of the song "Method of Modern Love" by Hall and Oates and I realized something - I have no fucking idea what the hell the song is about or what it is saying. I owned the album back in 85, and I have their greatest hits (did I ever blog that I am a HUGE Hall and Oates fan? Well, I am - and I ain't ashamed, neither!). Anyway, that song - what the hell does it mean? What IS the method of modern love? and why must you spell the word "method" in the song? And I always liked the end of the song when Daryl would sing "I got a way with words, I got a way with rhyme...." but now that I sit here, I have no idea what comes after that - I always have made up the words, but when you think of them, you can't make it out - it is something like "I got the way with words, I got the way with rhyme, but you believe that I am blind, the method the fethod, the not behind, I got the message baby and it's right on time" - it's something insane like that. What the hell does that all mean? And you know, I get so damn defensive of Oates all the time, but really, what does he do besides play guitar or bass or whatever? He's no Andrew Ridgely - he's more like a Garfunkel without the voice. What the hell am I talking about, you ask? Well, I don't rightly know anymore.....
So let's just say Method of Modern Love was the square kid's version of "New Moon on Monday" - you will remember my post months ago about reading the REAL lyrics to that song, and the whole "Lizard Mixture" lyric.
So today my daughter had her first filling, and it was such a good experience, I could have cried. She has cavities, probably because she had a bottle until she was 3, and also probably because my teeth are so week - my dentist called them "Chalky" when I was a kid - gave me a complex. Anyway, her front top tooth had a huge cavity and it freaked us out so much because we were so scared she would be teased when school started. So, she went for the filling, and it was nothing. I swear, it was like 2 minutes total, no freezing. Just this strange blue light laser looking thing and voila! Needless to say we were so happy we hit Walmart right after and bought the kids a new Barbie. Oh man, I feel so relieved and she is so proud of herself, and shows off her tooth now - all evening. I will stop talking about it, or I will get weepy.
So Barry Manilow is on Idol tonight as some sort of coach. He's like Liza Minelli with a penis and without all the drugs and eyelashes, really he is. I have this feeling Doug Wilson from Trading Spaces could be his love child.
Well, it's midnight, so I better get my sorry self to bed. Tomorrow is going to be one of those days at work, I have this feeling.
Chunks wanted to know the drama, but I don't wanna get into the whole thing right now, lol, so maybe this weekend... LOL, yeah, the weekend!
xo
JT