foul-mouthed banter about sweet bugger all

Well, as usual, I am so tired, because it was a busy weekend. We were at a wedding yesterday and didn't get home until 12:30 in the morning, with all 3 kids still awake, and then today was the gift opening, and tired kids, a dad who wasn't drunk last night but nevertheless felt hungover from lack of sleep, and humid weather makes for one tired family.
Anyway, I just needed to debrief after Big Brother 8 tonight - not debrief as in taking off my drawers, because that would make things weird, blogging with my "privacies" (as daughter #2 calls them) flapping in the wind, but to give my take on the whole thing since my post last week.
OK, so, much has changed. Remember how I hated the guys? The alpha males? Well, I guess I lied, because I like them now, even the stupid one with the ugly tattoo who is the football drop-out - I gotta admit I like how he just stuck it to that Jen bitch when she lied. Anyway, I don't mind them. I like Dustin too. I still hate Joe. Vote his sorry ass out people. Really get a kick out of the America's choice dude. Starting to like Evil as well. I still can't stand Kail. I still like Daniele, even though her obvious eating disorder freaks me out. I get glimpses of Karen Carpenter when I see her. Eat a fucking slop sandwich dearie. The sister is still a dud, and that gross blonde girl, not Carole but her enemy - she's got to go.
But that fucking Jen - I would love to throw a hairdryer into her bathtub. Or just take some ugly pictures of her and post them all over the house and drive her insane. I hope Evil and his baby girl get off the block somehow.
So anyway, that's my thoughts. I wish you people watched Canadian Idol too, so I could dis all that bullshit, but no, you all must have lives. And no Rock Star? Fuck me gently man, I really wanted to see it this year, although that fucking Brooke was a mega bitch. Stupid networks for not renewing that show, but yet still torturing us with Carolyn Rhea or however the fuck you spell her name, doing the Biggest Loser over and over. I think that show is wrong on so many levels. Good on the fat people for wanting to lose weight. I can say that because I've got a belly that would give a chubby chaser nasty dreams for a month of Sundays, but fuck me Dorothy, nobody can lose 27 lbs a week, so they must be pumping these poor fatties with large doses of Ex-Lax and water pills. Make them lose the weight in a good way and go from there. And who the hell does Carolyn think she is? She's no fucking Nicole Eating Disorder Ritchie, that's for damn sure. Bitch likes her pies and cakes if you ask me, just by looking at her. Why shouldn't she be standing there in a tank top, making us all uncomfortable by looking at her, standing on the scale, being judged? It's a crock of shit. Suck my ass, NBC.
And speaking of Nicole Ritchie, I saw on some mag in the check-out at Shopper's, whilst I was buying chips to take to the beach, that the bitch says she's knocked up. Well, fuck me again Dorothy, but can you imagine a more piss-poor mother than she will be, besides Tori Spelling? Ok, low blow on the Tori thing, because I actually liked the big eyed, fake titted fawn until she stole Mary-Jo Eustace's husband - I'm a big Mary-Jo fan, and I caught the Tori garage sale show and he's just a sleezy cocksucker - you hear that Tori Spelling? Your husband is a sleezy cocksucker who deserves some skanky bitch like Mitsou or something. But anyway, if you were too dumb for a prenup, well, I pity the fool.....
And yes, I hope he googles his sorry, narcissistic self and sees his ugly ass isn't welcome back into Canada. Vive la Mary-Jo! And if you never have, catch the reruns of her on What's for Dinner. Bitch is funny.
So anyway, Nicole will be a mother - but then again, how good can we expect her to be, when her own upbringing is so sketchy. I bet you all dollars to donuts she's Lionel's biological daughter, who he raised after being "stuck on you" with some white trailer trash chambermaid from Des Moines who left the kid on his doorstep after he paid for her new dentures. We all know that she kept you up all night long Lionel, running with the night, doing things that made you feel like you were dancing on the ceiling..... and of course, who WOULDN'T want to do you, especially after that Oscar worthy performance in the "Hello" video, with the blind chick sculpting that big-ass ugly bust of a ceramic head for you? Youch, I am a bitch tonight, aren't I?
OH! Funny story about the wedding - I will have to keep this vague in case this blog ever gets discovered - LOL, I hate the degree of censure I always have to apply. But anyway. Rachel's uncle "Peter" and his husband "Goliath" were given the job of taking pictures and videoing the wedding. WELL. I don't even know the whole sodid story of the bride's family, but there is discord with her mother I think, and the woman had this dress that just wasn't..... not flattering..... but... well... it was sort of... .revealing... like lingerie-like.... So anyway, good old Peter, who is known for his sharp tongue, especially when under the influence of the drink, was saying things about this woman's dress, AND about her ex's personality, whom he knew back in the day: "he was an asshole then, and he's still one now!" was one of the nuggets, and about the dress - "it looks like fucking lingerie and she's gonna fall out of it". Ok, so anyway, Gol was videotaping all the time and suddenly Pete comes and is all "that thing picks up sound all over the room and we have to figure out how to edit because I said this and that" and it was so hillarious, so he was running to his bro in law, the groom's dad saying this... LOL, it was so funny. But THEN, they he tries to make ammends by being nicey-nice, so Golie is taping the first dance or something and I hear him say "OH! The bride... SO BEAUTIFUL!" really loud, and of course I almost piss myself at him being so smarmy, and then I hear him say "The Bride's mother's dress.... LOVE it!" in this sing song voice and we just fucking howled..... good times. I miss that funny bastard (he doesn't live here).
What else... oh, MARGO, you know who was there? Do you remember..... what can I call her.... in grade 10 she was a friend of Russel's and Wendy's, and she was pregnant and didn't tell anyody until she had the baby almost, and her first name is the same as your friend from Leduc who was chubby and slutty? And her last name had something to do with a rental car business? Anyway, she was there, because she is Rachel's uncle's half-sister. She lives in the lower mainland, and apparently is a nurse, so she must have got it together somewhat, but she still looks scary. I made a comment saying she looks good and all night Rachel was all "you think that looks good?" because she had a tattoo on her arm and shoulder the size of Carolyn Rhea's gut, and one on her leg and was wearing these red satin looking 3 inch heels that were too trashy for a hooker. But anyway, she was there with her hubby and little girl, but she still sort of scared me a bit. The looking good comment really just meant that she looks good because I thought she would be on crack instead of a member of society. You know, sometimes I think i am way too judgemental, because I am even though I say I'm not. Really, I am. I need to work on it. Because the moment I saw that big fucking tattoo, I thought "carnie" instead of "nurse".
Anyway, it was a good wedding.
We have fuck all in our house for food. Baby kept asking for 'apple' today, which means juice, and we are out of juice. We've never been out of juice. Just realized we have no catfood either. The bitch is following me, meowing, trying to suck up so I'll feed her, and I got nothing. We have no tuna either. I took tomorrow off because my sister is on holidays so we have no sitter, so maybe I'll take the kids shopping. It's so hot and humid, I can't believe it. The humidity is fucking crazy. It was only like 26 or so today, but the humidy? Bitch, you could grow rice on my body....
Oh man, I have nothing to say. I read so many blogs of substance, and here I am, rambling with nothing to say.
Oh, it was a terrible couple of days on Thursday and Friday, but they worked out so I didn't have to blog about them. Long story short, my aunt was mad at me because I didn't call her back like I said I was going to because they wanted one of us kids to drive my parents to Cowtown. My aunt from BC is in Cowtown until next week and she wanted them to see her since my dad is losing it, and since their other brother is there and he's 79 and none of us could drive them there but long story short, daddy flew there on Saturday and is having the time of his life and comes home on Wednesday. Mom is here and whatever, that's fine ,they need to be apart. Anyway, my sister helped dad board the plane which was good, and even though he forgot to pick up his luggage, it was still there when they went back, and he's jsut having so much fun I guess. So I am so happy for him and them, and it all worked out. But the other night, it was fucking drama because I didn't find a way for him to get there. Well, fuck it all, I say. What else.... I don't think he'll remember that little lord fauntleroy is living there (that is a private reference about my nephew that only me, Chunks, and Margo know about, so ignore this everyone else), so that's good, because I don't want him hitting my dad up for money - I would tear him a new arsehole from my yelling if I found out he hit them up for $$ again..... but I refuse to talk about him because he's none of my business. But anyway.... what else.... I can't remember what else made last week so shitty, but it fucking was hellish. Rachel, my sexy wife with the new bathing suit, and I took Friday afternoon off and went to Christopher Lake, which is only 20 minutes from our house, and we spent the afternoon baking and swimming with the kids. We ran into our friends and neighbors, Sebastian and Lisa, who are house-sitting there for a few weeks, so we spent the day at the beach with them and then went to their place for dinner and then to the best frigging restaurant ever, the Yellow Fender, for ice cream, where i had bood orange sorbet that made me want to yell in orgasmic glee, it was so good.
So anyway, that's the week that was.
xo