Meet me in Montana

It's Britney, bitch!
Back at home, finally! The week has been crazy - work is nuts, home is nuts, the heat has made everyone crazy... it's just one of those weeks. We hit the ground running since we got back. Anyway, I am going to try to tell you all about the trip as much as I can before bed beckons for the night.
So, as I may or may not have said here, I suddenly got a little apprehensive before we left because of the enormity of the whole thing. Everyone was saying "you are DRIVING to California? With 4 kids!?" When you hear that enough, it starts to rattle you. Then, we were super busy trying to get ready for the girls' dance year-end performances. So, they danced on Wednesday evening, and we left Thursday morning. Thursday morning got off to a later start. We packed the van full of our new luggage and our stroller and our cooler. I can't remember if I told all y'all that we bought a Thule car top carrier at a garage sale? We kept saying we needed to get one for our trip, but I was dragging my heels because they were 400 dollars. Well, we went to this garage sale one day and there was one, hardly used, for 200, and we got it for 180. ANYWAY, we were packed to the nuts, but it was all good. Then we had to stop at the bank, and then I needed coffee before I died, and then we left town at about 10:30 in the morning. We didn't make any reservations anywhere for that night, just hoping to get into Montana, although in my perfect world, I silently thought that Billings would be the ideal place to make it to, even though it is a good 10 or 11 hours away from here.
Well, we weren't sure how baby boy would travel, either. However, it was his first day with his new car seat, and he was enamored with it. So, we got away and everyone was just happy as pie. I, of course, was almost vomiting at the thought of crossing the border. I don't know if I told the story of the time I almost got stripped searched at the border - the time I unwittingly had NARCOTICS in a perscription bottle with SOMEONE ELSE'S name in my pocket - Anyway, I always get almost panicked at the border, and I was dreading this. So, I was full of doom and gloom and doubt. The kids traveled great, and we made it to Rosetown, where we got the kids to take a quick pee at the A&W (which has the cleanest bathrooms I have ever seen - I had to take a nerves-induced poop there). Indeed, I came out and said "that was the cleanest bathroom" and apparently, Kelly said the same thing to Rachel.
So then I grabbed some food for us to eat on the way, got gas, and off we went. Soon we were in Swift Current, where i lived as a toddler, and where we'd visit a few times each year until I was 15, and so I got all sentimental, but as we were on a mission to cross the border before the dinky crossing closed at 6, we pushed on without stopping. We got about 45 minutes south of Swift Current, after I commented on the wonderful road, when we hit Cadillac, Sask. Well, suddenly, the road went to shitsville. I have never seen such a freaky ass road. It was full of pot holes, was narrower than Drew Carey's hardened arteries, and had no shoulder - it was the first time I've seen the edge of the road level with the fields next to it. Anyway, that was a trying time, having to pass trailers hauling horses. Then we hit Val Marie "Prairie Dog capital of the world" the sign says, and let me tell you, dead prairie dogs were smooshed everywhere. It was a really creepy town, with this huge monestary that was advertising itself as a bed and breakfast. We then somehow found the border, and I was just trying to keep my bowels from opening all over the place. Luckily, fate intervened, and when we approached the border, the border dude came to the PASSENGER side of the van, so Rachel worked her wonders on him, and after making me open the hood and the trunk, and checking our passports, he waved us through and off we were. WELL, this is where I got all fucking giddy, because we were across, and life was good. That is when the vacation started.
So I was suddenly all filled with glee, because we were on our way. So we drive for an hour or so and are marvelling at the landscape, because neither of us had been to Montana before. We hit Malta, this town, and I see a gas station and we decide to keep going and get gas at the next town. So we keep driving and I am speeding like crazy, and making awesome time, and I notice that I have less than a 1/4 tank of gas. I then realize there are no signs for towns. We checked the Garmin (the GPS) and it says the nearest gas was 91 miles away. So, after much painful debate, we turn around and go back to Malta, which means backtracking for 1/2 an hour. So we get to Malta and the kids are hungry so I find a grocery store and go buy buns and meat and cheese and a whole shitload of American stuff we can't get at home. I am all giddy by that and it makes up for my anger at turning back. We then stop at a convenience store, named, I am not shitting you, Packy's. Seriously. I gas up and we all go pee there. The bathroom was in the back of the store. It consisted of a toilet and an industrial sink, next to the water heater, furnace, and slush machine supplies. It felt weird pissing in the utility room/slush storage room, but when in Rome......
So, we got the hell out of Packy's and its freaky vibe and hit the highway. There were these weird little mountains, which we found out were called the Little Rocky Mountains, and all of these strange rock hill things, which we found out were rimrock. We also crossed the Missouri and it was all really beautiful. After making one stop to nurse baby boy and for me to pee on the road, we made it to Billings after all, at almost 11 at night.
We stayed at a Country Inn, and they had the best frigging breakfast I've seen.
The plan for day two was to drive 2.5 hours to Yellowstone, and then drive through the park and reach Idaho Falls, which was another 3 hours. Well, we decide to find a Walmart Super Center first, for something or other. Well, fuck me Dorothy, it was almost better than sex. The grocery selection and prices were out of this world. We were walking around like slack-jawed yokels. So, we spent like an hour there, just going nuts looking at stuff and buying a whole bunch of stuff. Of course, I discover Cherry Coke Zero now exists there, and I swear, I think I came in my pants a little bit. So after buying my cherry coke and my hershey bars and funky flavored tic tacs and aerosol cheese, off we went for Yellowstone. I also have to say that Billings was a cool city, built around all these mountains and rocks. It freaked me out though that there were panhandlers EVERYWHERE. On every corner at the mall there would be a clean cut middle aged white guy with a sign. I am proud to say we gave money to everyone we saw. It broke your heart. These weren't crackheads. Broke my fucking heart.
Anyway, off we went on the interstate, and you know I love me some speed, so off we were. I wasn't thinking Yellowstone would be anything. Remember, I am from Canada, where we have Banff, Jasper, and all of fucking phenomenal B.C. to brag about.
WELL.
Yellowstone was absolutely amazing. Unreal. We spent the day there, and didn't see 3/4 of it. It was fantastic. We crossed the Rosevelt Arch, and then saw cactuses, and so like true hillbillies, took 100 pictures. We then went into the park and saw a huge snake, rabbits, these weird hot springs things, and then discovered these geysers and paint pots and these huge pools of boiling water. It was like nothing I had seen before.
AND THEN, if that wasn't enough - again, I think I had an accident in my pants at the wonders of nature after seeing those - we realized that the ladies in the car next to us that smiled and waved and such, WAS ALSO CARRYING GEORGETTE FROM THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW!!!!!
So we waved to her and she gave us that magic smile, and life was all good. We were struck dumb, let me tell you.
Then we decided to leave Old Faithful, because it was getting really late. We then had to drive through, I shit you not, 200 plus buffalo blocking the road, and off we went. We left the park and entered West Yellowstone, a Banff-like town, and then entered Idaho. We drove for about an hour and it got dark out. We stopped in a town and tried to get a room and couldnt so we kept on and stopped in Rigby, Idaho, where I got a room at the Southfork in for 54 dollars. It was perfect, as the kids were crabby and tired and it was dark, and this place was cheap. However, the bathroom had no tub and the bathroom was crawling with ants, which creeped daughter #3 out, and the mattresses were covered in these plastic or rubber mattress covers, so you squeaked like Grace Jones in leather pants every time you moved. And farts kind of riccocheted off the thing too.
Then the next morning, I gassed up at the gas station, and I started talking southern. Everyone had an accent, and I suddenly was all "all y'all" and twanging eveything, and I couldn't stop it. So I bought this Pepsi for my Pepsi-loving wife, called "Pepsi Throwback." Apparently, it's Pepsi made with REAL sugar, as opposed to glucose or something. Well, the woman at the till is taking to me about it and how people like it, but not the Mountain Dew throwback. I get all twangy with her and her daughter, and I felt like I was fucking Kid Rock. I was ready to break into God Bless America. I was one of them. It was great.
I am going to stop here for now - the next day is Utah, which is the frigging most beautiful place on earth, and I have so much to report there, that I'll leave it until tomorrow. This was the boring first two days thing. OMG, I have so much to report, and the good stuff is starting now.
And I love America now.
And I begrudgingly now have to say we have some things to learn from them.
Anyway, I'll tell more tomorrow - be patient, Grasshopper......