Ok, so how do I make this interesting and clear.... well, let me just mention something I don't think I ever blogged about. I think I mentioned "the stalker" a few years ago, but never told the story - well, long story short, there used to be this Durango that would come into the 'hood a couple times a day and would pull up at the house next to my sisters, and this dude would run out, ran half-way on my sister's sidewalk, peek around her house, turn back, get in his car, back into her neighbor's drive way and speed off. So, we finally figured out he was looking at a house behind her, in the back alley. He would do this at 11 am and 11 pm. Long story short, we FINALLY staked him out, got his plates, and called the cops. I literally staked him out at 11 one night, chased him all over hell's half acre, lost him, and then my brother in law, who happened to be driving by on the way to get milk at midnight, and who called me to make fun of me for doing the stake out, suddenly came face to face with this dude, and chased him in the car and got his plates, and he never came back. We figured out he was humping this married woman who lived behind my sister - long story how we figured that out - and the woman and her hubby both work at the casino and work 12 hour shifts - 11 to 11 - and so this dude was seeing if hubby was home. Anyway, everyone laughs at us for cracking the case and being "busybodies".

Fast forward to this year. So, I think this was all going down before the snow fell, actually. One Saturday, I was in the backyard and saw this blue truck drive down my alley, and then back up and disappear. For some reason, I thought this person was pulling into this house's yard two down from us - it's been empty and for sale for like a year and a half, and it's a fucking dump. The owner's inherited a house and so this one is already paid for and empty, so he is asking an arm and a leg and it is a veritable dump. Anyway. I thought someone bought it, because this person was backing up with such purpose, and since I am always worried about places in my hood becoming rentals, as I live in an older 'hood with the only new house on my block, I pay attention because I am a freak. Anyway. A few days later, I see this blue truck again doing the same thing. I think it's this middle aged sorta bald or blond guy driving a GMC truck. So, again I keep thinking someone is backing into the back yard there for some reason- I assume they are parking back there to haul old panelling out or something - the house is full of panelling and apparently there is an odor of dog piss, according to my next door neighbor, who says all the time "Gary isn't going to get $________ for that frigging house, it's got odor from his damned dogs!"
So, all winter, I keep seeing this frigging truck, and what it would do is this: It would drive east past my house, and would go as far as the house next door - it's like his front bumper would stop at the eastern-most part of the next door neighbor's property line, and then they would back up. Now, if someone was driving down my alley, there is no street access for a few blocks, EXCEPT for two doors down from me, when an eastbound car could just turn right and hit my street. HOWEVER, instead of doing that, this truck would stop one house from the path and back up for about 7 houses, THEN turn around in this open spot, and go the other way. VERY FUCKING STRANGE.
So, I immediately think back to Mr. Durrango and every time I see this truck backing up, I start pointing and running on the deck and pointing and shit. Being winter, however, I never have shoes at the back door, so I can't get outside until they are gone. It sucks. My wife and I get obsessed with this. We make a mental note to ask Sebastian and Lisa, our close friends who live behind us - actually, they live right behind my next door neighbors where the stopping and backing up begins. Let me preface this by saying that the back alley IS NEVER PLOWED in the winter. I have had to push Sebastian out of the alley many times (their garage is in the back alley, and they drive a Focus wagon with no weight in the back, as they are hippies who don't believe in having two vehicles), and so I know that there is absolutely no freaking plowing going on, so why someone would back up instead of turning out is immediately suspect).
Ok, so, Rachel and I get out usual high out of trying to figure this out (not like in the movie Crash or anything - you know, where the people get all horny watching car crashes - we don't get off on this shit, but we spend lots of time trying to figure out what is happening - we have a huge front window, and a big kitchen window, so we aren't sitting there looking for shit - keep that in mind).
Anyway, this shit starts to intensify. So, one day Rachel calls me at work and said she was watching the woman in the gray truck in the alley. I am like "it's a man in a blue truck" and she's all "whatever" and we both think the other one is full of lizzard mixture. Well, then later that week we have an "AHA" moment, just like the kind my favorite sex goddess Oprah has (I jest - just trying to humor this up, relax Stedman or Gail or whoever is playing touch the button with Opie). We realize that THERE ARE TWO VEHICLES - a blue GMC driven by a man, and a blue/grey truck driven by a blond woman! They do the same thing- drive past our house, go to the end of the property line of the house next door to us, and then back the fuck up for 4000 fucking miles down our snow-filled, un-paved, un-plowed back alley, INSTEAD of driving past one more house and turning right and entering our always-plowed (bus route! whoo hoo) street. I can't even remember now how we figured this out, but it was funny, because blonde crazy bitch almost got stuck one day and I am sure she pooped a little in her panties - bitch has streak marks, mark my words!
Anyway, this was happening multiple times a day. OH! BUT LET ME PREFACE THIS WITH SOMETHING - Ok, my sister "Leslie", who lives on Avenue B, told me at XMAS that they too now have a stalker - she said that this blonde woman in a truck would pull up to the path, and she'd run down the path, halfway, going north (remember my geography lesson about the path) and then she'd run back and get into the truck again. She said the bitch would come so often, her dogs recognized her and wouldn't bark - my sister has three fucking dogs - a mutt that we gave her, and two boxers, so believe me, they bark. Well, at Xmas, I chalk it up to "people sure are crazy and sure fuck other people lots" because, well, I find it so frigging weird, but I don't put two and two together.
Until the beginning of March. This one particular Friday, Rachel calls me at work and tells me she's seen the vehicles a couple times that day and she's literally camped out in the girl's room watching and she's got the first 3 #s of the plates of this woman, and thinks she's got the rest. Well, I come home that night from work and I am starting supper or something and see this neighborhood old man, Mr. Ragey, walking from his house on Lakeshore to Sebastian's and Lisa's house, 4 doors down. So I am saying "MR. RAGEY IS WALKING ON LAKESHORE - WHAT'S THAT ABOUT!" because you never see him walking on the street, especially with a shirt on and teeth in. Anyway, then the phone rings and it's Lisa, and she is all freaked out (because she's fucking excitable and a worry wort, like me) and she says "Abraham Ragey was just here - have you seen a truck....." and I was all "OMG, ALL THE TIME, I MEANT TO CALL YOU" and she had noticed for months too and was all nervous, and then I guess Mr. Ragey came over and said "I think someone is watching you" because they are teachers, so she was pooing in her pants too, so I told her not to worry, that they aren't watching them, they are obivously watching someone on Avenue A. Are all y'all with me still? Ok, I am leaving this for now - if you don't get it, ask now. Tomorrow, I finish the story. It all ties together.
I have to get to bed - Jon and KATE'S re-wedding is on again, and it is angering me. She's such a harpie - that poor Korean fool.
xo