Leaving Las Vegas

Ok, so after the awesome beauty of Utah, and seeing the extremes of snow to desert in a 2 hour time frame, we were approaching Vegas. My research, and the advice of other people, all said that there was so much to do with kids in Vegas. Well, sure there is - if you are a crackhead and your kids are used to your crackhead lifestyle. After the freaky Salt Lake City traffic, I was getting nervous about Vegas. We drove through 2 hours of desert, which I've always been fascinated with, so I kept saying "more cactuses, take pictures!" Then we suddenly approached Vegas and I steadied myself for traffic. Weirdly, it was pretty easy - a few turns and we were on the Strip, thanks to the Garmin. Seriously, she would say "in 2 km, keep left, so you knew the lane was ending. Anyway, we originally going to stay at Circus Circus but instead opted for the Excalibur because it was right on the strip, was supposedly the largest hotel in the world, and was cheap. Had I booked online the night before, the room would have been 30 dollars, but since we just walked in, it cost 50. But anyway, we pull into the parking lot and it took forever to figure out how to go inside, and the kids are freaking because the hotel looks like a castle. So I go in to get a room, and immediately get freaked out, because you walk right into this huge casino, with bars on each side, including the one where this chick was dancing on the bar and undoing her bikini top. So, I get freaked out, and can't find where to check in, and all I can find are slot machines and moving sidewalks to other hotels and anyway, I finally ask one of those time share dudes where the hell I find the check in. So I go get a room and the chick is beyond rude, kind of like I was getting a room and was going to stock it full of dirty hookers and wipe my penis off on the curtains or something. Anyway, I get the room and try to figure out how to get the kids through there. So, we wandered around on the strip after a very expensive and gross meal at the hotel food court. So, I am pure hillbilly as we are walking the strip, because at first I was all "hey, that guy has a beer! There's the cops! They are waving to the cops.... what the?" I didn't realize you could pretty much shoot up heroin on the streets there and it would probably be legal. Suddenly I realize EVERYONE is drinking. And the streets are crazy and you can't move, and it's a frigging SUNDAY night. It's hotter than Star Jones' bra out there, and humid and I am tired, and everyone seems to be drinking and the newspaper boxes all have posters of naked hookers, so I am making the kids shield their eyes, and then the Mexicans all stand there and flip those cards advertising the hookers and I was totally freaked out. I wanted to scream "CAN'T YOU SEE WE HAVE KIDS! I AM NOT GOING TO FUCK HOOKERS! LEAVE ME ALONE!" I felt old.
Then we went back to the room and after everyone went to bed, I went down to gamble and came back 20 minutes later 200 dollars up. My wife was reluctant to have me go gamble, because she said "I know you and you'll take off and have some drinks and then take a cab to some hotel somewhere and will end up at some strip show and who the hell knows where you'll be." She seems to remember my impulsive behaviors, like crossing the border without telling her when she was 8 months pregnant. Anyway, after all I saw that night, I wasn't going to cross the street to piss on the Blue Man Group if they were on fire, so she had nothing to worry about. Of course, I was drinking 2 dollar supercans of beer, so why I didn't blow my money, I don't know, but I was so tight, I got out of there in 20 minutes. Then next morning, the poor kids sat in the window looking down at the 6 pools at our hotel - we couldn't swim the night before because the pools closed at 6 pm.... yeah. Anyway, Rachel went to gamble in the morning and came back 90 dollars ahead. So then we drove a mile or two to the outlet mall, which was so cool we almost orgasmed at the sight of it. It had everything, from my faves Timberland and Hillfiger and Jockey outlets, to Carters and Disney, and a whole shitload of other outlets. We spent a few hours there, and then stopped at the gas station and left town. It was so hot and humid. OH, and we discovered Krispy Kreme donuts. Fuck me Dorothy, they were worth the clogged arteries.... Margo, you are so lucky to live in a town that has them. Go have a few for me.
We left Vegas at about 4 pm and headed to Anaheim. Of course, we got to drive through desert most of the way and I was loving it. We stopped in Barstow for gas, and it was a scary shithole. We were gonna eat at McDonalds, but after Rachel and the kids went pee there (I don't remember why I was in the car waiting for them) I said "let's just go because I've seen so many creepy hillbillies and thugs in this parkinglot". So we stop for gas, and I go in to prepay because my credit card wouldn't work in the pump there, and this freaky hispanic homeboy was there trying to buy a bottle of booze, and Rachel cleaned out the van and threw garbage out, and I guess homeboy ran to the can as soon as she dumped it and he took our cans before she was in the van and ran back inside to put a down payment on his bottle. I was freaked out and thought "we ain' t in Kansas anymore."
So then we got the fuck out of there, although I kept singing Sheryl Crow's "Leaving Los Vegas" and the line "maybe stop in Barstow for the night" from the song, and thought "you got more balls than I do, Sheryl, to stay here". Of course, later I found out we were on the wrong side of the tracks, but at the same time, I also found out that Barstow was the home of TWO McDonalds masacres (that's spelled wrong, I think), so it creeped me out.
Anyway, soon we were in the urban sprawl of the greater LA area, and after driving through two hours of it, and suddenly being stuck in the freeway of 6 lanes going one way of cars going 120 km an hour, I began to freak out. Seriously. A good old panic attack. I just thought "If I needed to pull over, I couldn't" because I was stuck in the middle, because Garmin told me to stay left. Lovely Rachel talked me down, and we made it to our hotel, the Disneyland Hotel, at 9 or so. Our room was nice, although it was equipped with 2 doubles beds and a pullout instead of queens.
Anyway, I will stop here, and write about Disneyland, Huntington Beach, and shopping amongst the hostile Mexicans next time. Oh I have so much to say!
Later gators.