I AM SO IN LOVE WITH MY BROTHER RIGHT NOW - WELL, AND CREOLE LADY MARMALADE TOO

Well, I'm sitting at home watching Arsenio Hall, picked up my black book for a freak to call.... wait, ok, no, I am actually lying in bed right now. Those with a keen ear will recognize the first sentence of this post is from 2 Live Crew's "Me So Horny" circa 1990 or so. I have had that stupid song in my head today and I don't even really care for it - too 90s, and unlike the 80s that I worship, the 90s suck. So anyway, the mention of Arsenio made me think of something Howard Stern said once that made me laugh my everloving ass off. He was talking about how horrible Arsenio was and he called him Asskissio, and honestly, wasn't that the truth. He had his nose so far up his guests' asses, he could see what they ate for lunch. I just couldn't stand him - I'd have rather watched Meshack Taylor or however you spell it - the dude from Designing Women who looked like Asskissio - and I couldn't stand him either. Of course, I also couldn't stand Dixie Carter from Designing Women either - well, now that I think about it, they were all damn annoying, and you just want to scream "It's pronunced SHAR-lene, not CHAR-Lene...." Oh, I am on a rant, nevermind. Sorry, I am overtired and I had an extra large Tm Horton's coffee late this afternoon and then a Biggie Diet Coke from Wendy's, so I am hepped up. I just took 2 Gravol to help me sleep, so it should kick in soon, and I will drop this post like a hot potato. So anyway, now that I expressed my disdain for Asskissio and those Sugarbaker ladies, I have nothing to say. I had to go to Saskatoon for training today and I was a total complete fucking moron. We had this huge freezing rain storm on the weekend all throughout the province and the roads still aren't stellar, and even though I have travelled in really shitty weather, and in my other job would think nothing of driving to Regina and back 3.5 to 4 hours each way) in a day during the dead of 40 below winter, I was having a mini anxiety attack all the way to Saskatoon, and that's only 70 miles. The roads were slippery in spots and frosty, and I was driving 90 km and had old ladies passing me and I wanted to turn around and go home but couldn't find a turn off.... it was so stupid. But alas, I made it, and going home wasn't bad at all really. So after my meeting, I stopped at Old Navy as usual and thank Sweet Jesus we don't have one here because I would be extra broke. Seriously, I am like some nut job when I get in there. I got there at 4:00 and I wanted to be on the road and home before it got completely dark, so I was running around in there like those people on the Price is Right who have to put the prices on the prizes and pull the lever - you know the game. Anyway, good sales on men's stuff, and I love their clothes. I used restraint though since I am broke as a motherfucker and just bought a vest on clearance and an outfit for Brianne. So anyway, that was my day.
Hey, remember way back when when I posted that I have always thought in "Hotel California" that they were singing "on a dark desert highway/combing my hair", even though I have owned that album since I was 8 years old? Well, another one for you - On American Idol, they had all these rejects singing Lady Marmalade, and even though I have never known the words, I didn't know it went "Creole Lady Marmalade" - I thought it was something like "see old lady Marmalade" or something like that. Maybe I am like Homer Simpson and have a crayon lodged in my brain making me dumb or something.....
It's good to have Idol back, but funny to watch Paula, because these dudes will be singing to her and I kept saying "she's into it, she's getting wet" and I know that's crass and vulgar, but I mean, she was all squirmy and she knows she can't dip into the contestant pool anymore after that ugly guy ratted them out, so it's sad in a way, really..... And Randy, you know, I can't even really notice he had the stomach surgery - something is wrong there. And while I am being petty and stoned on Gravol (it's kicking in now like you wouldn't believe), I am sorry, but Starr Jones lost too much weight and I just can't wrap my head around her looks - froglike. It's a shame really. Did you ever see the Simpsons where they spoof the View? They did Starr really good.
So anyway, I ain't no prince charming, so I shouldn't talk. I am still dieting, but I just ate like 400 calories before bed. I had like a 1/4 of a container of the Superstore chocolate gelato. No fat, but lots of calories. It is so good, it tastes like liquid cocoa, but you have to be a fan of dark chocolate I think to really get into it. Anyway, I profess to lose these last 26 lbs this year, and damnit, I will do it. I want to start working out with weights but have nobody to do it with nor do I want to go to the gym and look like a fucking mental person because I don't know what to do. But anyway, that's neither here nor there.
So anyway some more - Keryn and I did the swimming lesson on Saturday and it was cool. She got scared at one point and cried but she recovered. It's cancelled this week, but we go for 10 Saturdays. The pool is really freaking cold though so she was almost blue and shivering. It's fun though, and mostly all dads with their kids so that's a nice change from dealing with all the bitchy Wisteria Lane moms I encountered when we did library story time. Our kids are into everything. Tuesday, Keryn has her hip hop dance class, then in the evening Kim has Time for Twos at the library story time, Thursday Kim's got gymnastics, then both girls go to ballet together, and then Keryn has library storytime, and then Keryn has gymnastics and Saturday is our swimming. It's freakin' busy!
Well, what else can I say? My dog is still eating cat shit. It is so horrible to even admit..... but otherwise, she's settling down.
So, I suppose I better get my flat ass to sleep. It's midnight now. I will talk to y'all later.
I am really stoned now - I feel like Liz Taylor again - hell, maybe even Courtney Love too.
Oh, and one more thing since I am feeling snarky - good old K-Fed - Britney Spears' hubby - have you ever seen a bigger arsehole? Those two prove you can have a fortune, but the trailer remains in your blood forever - or as Angelina Jolie would say, FOREVER!
Oh, and speaking of the weird one, remember the whole "I am so in love with my brother right now" speech at the Golden Globes a couple years ago? It got my thinking that maybe her relationship and upcoming child might just parallel Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' relationship - perhaps Angelina is really shacked up with her brother and is using Brad as a beard, and he is going along with it because he wants Cambodian kids and voila, there is Maddox. Because we all know Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes aren't real. I ain't no Rona Barrett, but I am pretty sure the boy is strictly into boys who like L. Ron Hubbard, and Katie needs to get her star power going. I bet all those fucking Scientologists are gay or something, because look at them - Parker Stevenson, Kirstie, Travolta... all have a deep down creepy vibe that makes their marriages themselves feel creepy and not quite right. And face it, they are loonier than the Moonies.... Ron Thomas responded to a rumour that he and Tom Cruise were in love and he said "I am more offended that they thought I was a Scientologist" - that made me laugh.
Oh, and Lisa Marie Presley is one too I think - and I mean, she claims she consumated her marriage to Michael Jackson, which, I mean, makes me want to vomit even thinking about - she coulda accidently knocked his frigging nose off if it got wild.
Ok, really going to bed - The Golden Globes are over y'all y'all y'all!
xo
JT