Hugs and Goodbye to

Well, it's certainly been an up week. That statement is laced in sarcasm, if you didn't pick it up from the stink lines saturating my every word. Seriously, it's just been a peach. A fucking peach, I say!

Oh, in a lot of ways it wasn't that bad, but it's culminated in death. Rachel's aunt Colleen passed away this week, after a long battle with the cancer. The funeral was today, and I wasn't going to go, since my inlaws are our primary babysitters, or my sister in law, and they were all of course going to the funeral. But then this morning I called my niece to see if she was free, expecting her to say no because it was my sister's 53rd birthday, as well as her 28th wedding anniversary. Anyway, to my surprise, my niece was free. So, I found some nicer looking shorts and went to the funeral - nobody will ever accuse me of overdressing for anything.

I was actually really freaked out about the funeral once I realized I was going, because you know how I wig out at them, and so I took a couple Ativan about an hour before (they didn't kick in until about half-way through the funeral, and so I've been literally nodding out since then), but anyway, I survived.

I guess what I am so traumatized over is how young "Colleen" was. Colleen was 55. FIFTY FUCKING FIVE. She got the cancer about 5 years ago and did all of this alternative treatment stuff in Mexico and such, but I about 2 or 3 months ago, I guess we realized that it wasn't going to work. However, she died on her own terms, at home. Anyway, I wasn't especially close to her - I can think of maybe a half dozen conversations we would have had throughout the years, but I always liked her. She was real. And nice. And not a bone of phoniness in her body, which is what I always try to detect in people. And she was cute as a button. And she was the catalyst that made me quite smoking, If she could give up her Medallion King Size so easily, so could I give up Craven M. 9 years this summer, Colleen. Thanks.

Anyway, I couldn't stop crying at the funeral, because I just kept thinking of her husband, who adored her more than anything, and how lonely he will be now. And she had 6 grandchildren who are now without their grandma. And as I said, I was shocked that she was so young. My sister turned 53 today. This whole aging thing sucks.

You see, I just kept thinking that even though I lost my mom and I am still so completely fucked up and dysfunctional about it, and how I still sometimes lock myself in the shitter to cry, I was almost 40 when she passed, and she was in her early 70s, and even when people say "she was so young!" I compare it to my nephews who lost their dad at 13 and 15, and, well... no comparison. I ultimately think "Man up, JT, you had a mom for almost 40 years, so be happy." And I am, even though I still have the wherewithal to realize I am not "healthy" yet. I still search for escape. and am not completely balanced. True, I do think that, this past year, I've sort of seen the light, but grieving isn't easy, especially for the person who gave you life.

And I think of Coleen's kids, who are in their late 20s and early 30s. It's not fair, especially when she did everything right. So I've been completely bothered by all of this. It's like it isn't happening. I really like this side of my wife's family, and Coleen was always one who was nice to me from the get-go. A couple of her relatives, who will remain nameless, were, forgive my language, cunts. Don't ask - I've blocked it out, almost.

And her own life was so full of tragedy. Her brother died in a car wreck on her wedding night, and it all went downhill from there. You know how when you lose a parent and suddenly you realize what all the others who have lost parents have felt all this time? Like you've joined some awful club? I wanted to say that to them, Coleen's kids, but I don't really know them well enough.

So let me say this. I promise to continue to love my wife and my family fiercely. You know how people go through the, to quote Rosanne Cash, "the 7 year ache?" Well, that isn't my experience. I have to declare here, and hope she doesn't read it, that I love my wife more now that I ever could have 21 years ago when we hooked up. Really, she's it for me. She's the one. I know I always state she could have done better, and ramble on about how jealous I am about one of her exes, the one who I hated so much, but you know, even though we are completely different in so many ways, we are quite frankly made for each other. I think we were made for each other in the same ways that Coleen and her husband were made for each other. And when that partnership gets broken up prematurely, well, the universe isn't fair. I was almost half-hoping for the Rapture tonight, just to put all of us out of our misery.

It's sort of been a shitty spring here. Coleen gets sicker and dies. My cat dies. I yell so much at my kids I become Ralph Cramden. Work is stressful and I feel like I can't keep up with anything, even simple stuff confuses me. At home I've been yelling at my kids, giving them guilt trips, and just being a dick. In terms of Rachel, who is really shaken up at her aunt's death, I've probably been curt and overtly matter-of-fact. But let me say this here: When Rachel is hurting, I am hurting. So bad so that I cry more than I should. And when someone says, like my wife said this morning to me that it's hard to believe in this stuff about "God having a plan", I do agree that it's true that someone dying at 55 is sinful and horrible and unjust, but yet there is always a tinge of miracle in how we met - in a math class. God obviously wanted us together. And there is no way I'd blaspheme about that. Rachel and I, no matter how different, fit into each other like an old sock and an old shoe.

So above it all, I also see the miracle. I am not an open book. I don't open up. I don't like to show feelings or weakness or emotion or anything. And the fact that I can be swept up in rachel's arms while I cry for what was lost and what will never be? I couldn't ask for a better gift. I am blessed and loved. So for those of you who are the praying type, please say a prayer for "Coleen" (God will know who you mean) and wish her an eternity of peace and pray for he family of Coleen, and help us stay connected to them.

Thanks for listening. Sorry there was no laughter here. Sometimes, words and wishes are all we need.