Dis and Dat and Back Again

I have nothing to say. Really, I don't. I am so scattered this week. Thus, I might as well make this a free-flowing point form post:

-- I took my first venture into the backyard today. I kept saying all winter that gee, it sure will be nice this spring, because the snow was so deep, the dogs didn't venture onto the lawn at all to do their business, and thus the lawn won't be dead until July like usual. It really DID look like they were doing their business at the sides of the house. However, this might have been the case from like February on, when the snow got ridiculous, but I guess I must have forgotten that the snow WASN'T surmountable from November to February. Holy sheepshit, Batman, the whole frigging yard is a shit pile. It looks like an outhouse threw up all over the place. There are wet turds everywhere, and while I would say about 75% of the yard is melted, it's still supersaturated (I remember something from grade 11 Chemistry). Thus, I used a hoe to gather up piles of wet turds and then used a shovel to throw them into an empty Tide box. I was out there an hour and it looks like i maybe did 4 square inches. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Last year? We had no snow really, so by this time, it was dry as dust and I used a rake and my lawnmower. I swear, until we get a few good rains, we are all in danger of catching cholera from the backyard. St. Jude, pray for us.

-- I've diagnosed myself with about 27 different illnesses this week, all due to a sore spot on my stomach. i have this tender spot on my abdomen, so I did my usual googling, and then all hell broke loose. You see, last weekend, I had some wine and ate some spicy food. So I woke up Sunday morning and had this tender belly spot, and thought "great, my liver is failing" from the wine. However, as I haven't turned yellow, as a failing liver is want to do, I then figured it was pancreatitis, but my poop isn't discoloured, nor is my urine dark, so then it became about 400 different things. I am guessing it's a pulled muscle or a place that the kids are susceptible to kick, but if it's not better in a few days, I'll get it checked out. However, even I am picking up my 6th sense vibes telling me to shut up and live. But gotta love Google.

-- In honour of poop scooping today, I ended up singing a tune about poop to the tune of "Seasons of Love" from RENT. It went "525,600 turds, 525600 poops...." I share too much, don't I?

-- My fucking cat is running around like a fucking crazy person: she is doing the same frigging circuit. We have what I believe are called "pony walls" (not Sugar Walls, like Sheena Easton has, sadly, but this shelf thing around the perimeter of our rumpus room -I much prefer sugar walls) and she runs to one window, where she's wrecked the blinds, then darts out, runs down the pony wall, jumps onto the end table, makes the lamp shake, jumps to the floor, turns around and does the hokey pokey, and repeats the same thing. I am really to throw her outside to the possum/weasel/cat/goose/boogieman she thinks she sees and calling it a night.

-- Tonight we went to our friends Liza and Sebastian's for pizza. I ate 4 pieces and had 2 glasses of wine. I only ate a bowl of really fibre-filled cereal and a spoon of peanut butter today, but I still feel guilty, even though I ran for 32 minutes on the treadmill and went for a 4 KM walk. So I might as well have another glass of wine, right? RIGHT. LOL, we have wine from last weekend just sitting there. I have no sense of moderation. If I lived in a place where I could pick up the phone and order a roasted turkey right now, this bitch would be eating out every last breadcrumb out of that bird's hootch in some nasty 9 1/2 Weeks fashion. Yes, I am vulgar tonight. It's my blog, so goonie-goo-goo, bitch. If I wanna eat out a turkey, it's none of your beeswax!

-- What in the hell is WRONG with these Survivor contestants?!? GET RID OF ROB. I am not just saying that because I think he's evil. Really, let the one who's been there 14 times before get the upper hand? Bitches, you deserve to go home. And then that poor bastard who got put back on the island - Matt. Yes, I know you love the Lord. And I know you think you are doing the Lord's work on the island, although I haven't figured out quite what that might be. However, as someone who has read a whole bunch of the Old Testament, the Lord isn't asking you to be loyal to the people who voted your sorry ass out the first chance they got. Really - He lead the Jews out of Egypt!! He parted the Red Sea! He SMOTE their enemies!!!! So, brotha, SMOTE those enemies!!

-- And I know I've complained about how Rob always gets to come back until he wins. Same goes for these NFL people. That grey haired bastard (Steve?) and Grant. Your claim to fame is that you played football for millions of dollars. First off, football players are usually of a sub-par IQ, are usually assholes, have probably been involved in a drunken, post-game gang-bang or four with their team mates and a dumb-ass girl they got drunk, and then have the audacity to bitch when they hit 40 and have to retire because they didn't spend their millions in a smart manner. So when they throw these losers on Survivor instead of some fat-ass greeter from Walmart who lives for the show, well, I get angry. I don't want any more NFL players. I want REAL people. And white dudes with dreadlocks?!? Bob Marley is rolling over in his ganj-filled grave, MON.

-- It's election time again in Canada. I am so not happy with this. Really, I never thought I would say this, but I WANTED things to stay the same. You see, I am NOT a Stephen Harper fan. I distrust all Conservatives. I was fine with them having a minority government, because they couldn't do most things they wanted to do. Thus, they immediately gave up on repealing gay marriage - it's been a non-issue (I know people who got married hastily when the Cons came in power just in case it was repealed). They hesitantly gave up the abortion fight (although, as Robo-Dad, abortion makes me sadder and sadder the older I get), and I take great glee in the fact that they can't repeal the long-gun registry (I know some of you are gun folks, but in my perfect world, NOBODY but the cops or the military need a gun. Sorry. Even you, LRF ;) ). And, there are some Conservative things that I *get*. I was really in love with their "give every family $100 a month per child for childcare instead of a national daycare strategy" (even though it turned out to be TAXABLE INCOME), instead of the Liberal's National Day Care Strategy. Until I had kids, I was all "oh sure, let's get a cheap or free national day care thing going!" Then I had kids. And realized that kids are only young once, and what shapes you as an adult is what you experience as a child, and thought that if the govt wants to throw all kids into a national program, rather than giving us choice for caregivers, well, that shit doesn't fly. Especially when you have SHY kids like all 4 of mine, who want to be with us every second of the day. So yeah, I don't want some uniform system. Give me some $$ to off-set daycare costs, and I will be the one who decides who should care for my kids.

Anyway, those kooks aren't all bad. But, you see, I can't stand Michael Ignatieff. He will NEVER be Prime Minister, just because of the fact that he obviously is fighting a unibrow problem. That shit is tweezed. It makes him look shifty. Anyway, the good people of the Heartland won't vote for him. Until they get rid of him, the west will be a conservative sweep. So, I am worried those conservatives will finally get their majority. It scares me, though, of how wishy-washy I get as I get older. 20 years ago I would have told you without hesitation that my vote is completely NDP. For you Americans, NDP would be, for you guys, pretty much a declaration that the communists are beautiful. They are the ones who founded Medicare. My province has the biggest NDP history, since medicare was founded here. Our people vote Conservative federally, but NDP provincially, at least until a few years ago. Anyway, i DO see some of the Conservative rhetoric making sense - if they were open to different religions, different sexualities, equality for gender, etc., I would be with them. We are light-years above our American neighbours, who still seem t have trouble with many things, but yet I am hesitant for the Cons to get in power with a Majority. Sigh. I remember back in grade 8, when the only politics I had to deal with were Reflex's "The Politics of Dancing".

-- Anyhooo, I suppose I should get to bed. Suzanne Wang is talking about some retreat on House Hunters International, and I always feel like some guilty loser when I can't quite figure out how these people can find a way to buy a 1/2 million dollar house in Central America, but yet they just get this big frigging house with high ceilings and can sit on the beach and work for 12 minutes a day with their laptops, while their mistresses are BBQing shrimp on the Barbie...

Peace out, you sexy MFs.