Final Trip Post

Ok, so we left the LA area a day early and headed towards the desert. We stopped at this ghost town, called Calico Ghost town, near Barstow, and it was in the desert and was a real ghost town and fucking hot. After hanging out there for a few hours in the desert heat and getting pit stains the size of plates, we finally got back in the van. The kids were all "it's soooo hot" and all whiny and I was just like a fucking walking rice patty, but they kept saying "this isn't even hot!" The staff at this place were hillbilly and scary and I was sort of scared to go to the bathroom because these hostile workers were standing in the doorway. We saw a pomegranite tree. Anyway, we left the ghost town and then stopped for gas and were on our way. There was this freaky town right by there called "Dagget" or something which was full of burned out buildings and we stopped to let these boys carrying big sticks cross the road. I just said "sweet Jesus, don't let us break down around here" and I felt sort of panicky. Luckily, every mile I think had an emegency phone, throughout the entire desert. Anyway, we drove and drove and finally at suppertime got to Needles. Remember Needles, where Snoopy's brother Spike was from? We stopped to eat at a Jack in the Box, and it was ok, but the fucking town looked like Methville, USA. Seriously. I wanted to get the fuck out of there. The guy who served us was named Jesus. God love the Mexicans who name their kids after the Lord. Anyway, there was this family in there who just came back from canoeing and the dad was in a wheelchair and he was talking to baby, but then I went to the can to poop and the bathroom was like some sort of feces factory, and the only toilet was sort of plugged and he came in after me, and I wanted to say I didn't do it, but couldn't, so he probably thought I did. Anyway, we got out of Needles, which was as creepy as Barstow, and next thing we knew we were in Arizona, and suddenly, it wasn't scary anymore and it was nice and deserty, and then we hit this town called Kingman and since it was on route 66 (which we had been following all along) there were hotels everywhere. We stayed at a Best Western which was beautiful and had the strongest air conditioning we ever saw, and we went swimming in the twilight and had the pool to ourselves, and then I went next door to the Sonic and got a diet cherry limeade. Sonic, fuck me Dorothy, is the coolest fast food ever. Oh God, it was great.
SO then the next morning we went down for the free breakfast and I stole a Route 66 mug from the breaky room, which baby broke when we got home, so karma....
Anyway, we then stopped at another Ross, which was spotless. Rachel kept saying "I wonder if they are all so messy or if the one in Anaheim was because of the clientelle." Well, in Kingman, the Ross was spotless, they had a security guard at the door who was super friendly and welcomed everyone to Ross, and so we realized it was the Mexicans who made the Anaheim store so messy - LOLOLOLOL, I don't mean that to sound racist. Mea Culpa, Rosie Perez.
ANyway, we shopped for cheap there, and I listened to the middle aged woman who was the change room attendent tell the security guy about how her two switchblades she used to have are now against the law, and then baby was freaking out and so I took him next door to Big! Save! or Save Lots! or Big Lots! or something, but it was just a Giant Tiger type place. Then I ran into the Walmart Supercentre to buy a movie and beef jerky for the kids and off we went to the grand canyon. We stopped at a Denny's, where the waitress looked just like Janis Joplin, and she was "all y'all" and southern, and she would place each order and yell "thanks guys, you're awesome". It was annoying and endearing all at once. Daughter one kept copying her. The one cook was named "Tomorrow" and she was all "Tomorrow, can you get me the mac and cheese? You're awesome!" It was cool. I tipped her way too much. Oh, and the Denny's had a sign saying you couldn't bring your gun into the lounge. The bathrooms there were interesting, because i had to take daughter #3 to the toilet, but the toilet had these gaps between the stall wall, which looked out onto the urinals in front of it, so as she is peeing, I look up and see this old man cock wagging in the urninal, peeing in the gap between us, so I jump in front of her like some sort of witch doctor in a Scooby Doo skit so as not to traumatize her. LOLOLOL, you had to be there.
So then we go to Grand Canyon, and while it took your breath away, it wasn't as cool as Bryce Canyon. Maybe if we could hike down, but since we had kids, other than walking the rim, there wasn't much. Lizards were everywhere, so that was cool. The food was expensive, the hotels crammed, and I dunno, go to Bryce. Next morning, we left, and headed out, and suddenly on the road we see "INDIAN JEWELRY AND POTTERY" so I slam on the breaks and we make this Dukes of Hazzard turn and stop. There's these big stand of Indians selling stuff, like turquoise and jade jewels and silver and pottery and whatever. We buy all this shit and we leave and say "wow, we sure are lucky we stopped in time!" Then we drive 1/2 mile down the road and see another stand. And 1/2 mile after that, another.. and so on. LOLOLOL they were everywhere. We didn't realize we were on the Navaho Res. And the Hopi. Every mile, for a few hours, was another stand. We then stopped at this big place which had a trading post and gallery. WELL.
Fuck me, Diana Ross, it freaked me out a bit. We pulled into the parking lot and entered the art gallery. Well, it was nice art and baskets and shit, but it was expensive - like 4000 dollars for baskets and shit. So I want to get out of there, and the Indian man there starts playing some sort of wooden flute and Rachel is whispering under her breath "do we wait until he's done? DO we clap??" and I say "just wave and go." It creeped me out. SO then we go into the trading post where all the tourists are, and the kids are picking out rings and I am looking at books and suddenly daughter #1 comes up to me and says "daughter #2 was feeling sick, mom took her outside" and I guess she puked on the sidewalk. So then I suddenly feel all weak and shaky, like i have no blood sugar, so I run to the grocery part and buy some crackers and 2 Hershey bars, and we leave and I am all "what if that flute was throwing bad medicine on us (remember i used to work with Indians who were terrified of bad medicine) and I am all freaked out but Rachel, always the voice of reason, says "#2 was car sick and you aren't eating right and are hungry." LOLOLOL, drama fucking queen I am.
LOLOLOL, but funny thing, we get miles away and realize, in the puke drama, Rachel accidently walked out with a couple of rings in her purse. Take that, bad medicine man!
So then we drive and we come across the Colorado River so we stopped and took pics and then stopped at this weird place where people lived in rocks - i got the pics - and then we entered Utah, where they had cop cars parked at the side of the road with wooden dummies in the driver's seats. LOL, it was funny. We went to McDonalds in St. George, where they fucked up our orders. We then stopped for gas in Hatch, Utah, where there was no toilet paper in the bathroom which made kid #2 cry, so we wiped her hootch with kleenex and threw it in the gas station parking lot as punishment. We stopped, finally, after dark, in Nephi, Utah, at this motel for 50 bucks, and Margo, the owner looked EXACTLY like the whore's mom, along with the smoke voice. It was quite barebones, but clean. Then next morning, I watched the lady, wearing man's PJ pants, sit in front of the pool, smoking her big-ass CIGAR.
Yeah.
So then we hit the Salt Lake area, and stopped in Orrem, where I saw the "Missionary Mall", with this big blow-up Mormon Missionary on the roof, decked out in a suit. The funny thing was, we stopped in Orrem so we could go to Ross, and then went to Fuddruckers. Well, this is funny. Keep in mind, with 4 kids, we never get out to restaurants. So we go there and I order and am surprised they asked how I wanted my burger done - it's illegal in Canada to NOT cook a burger well-done. Anyway, Saskatoon has the only Fuddruckers left in Canada, so I thought i knew what to do. But after I order, the chick is all "oh, you'll need this." Now, we know now that it was one of those coaster things that tell you when your order is done, but then, I didn't know what she was handing me. Indeed, I thought that it was the children's meal toy, but Rachel was all "it's some sort of coaster, so maybe you put your drink on it when you want a refill?" So anyway, I go to pee, and the bathroom had these urinals shaped like bidets, so I came back to see if Rachel had the camera on her, and she said "I asked those people if they knew what this was, and they looked at me funny and said it will light up and vibrate when your order is ready and they looked at me funny". So then, we stare at this thing like it's the second coming, and when it vibrates, we are all "oh, yeah, the food is ready." Then I go to get drinks, and since Mormons don't drink caffeine, they have pepsi and diet caffeine free pepsi on tap. So then I watch what everyone is pouring, trying to figure out which of these clean cut Mormons are being baaaaaaad. Then, while waiting for Rachel and the kids to pee, I go get some iced tea, to be a rebel, and I am waiving this tea all over the place. I was all "look at me, I'm so bad and need to be tamed." I felt like Fonzie.
So then we leave there and are trying to turn out of there, and I see Mormons everywhere and we are in front of missionary mall and the light WILL NOT TURN. I got all freaked out, a la Stepford Wifes, and was sort of scared we would never be able to leave.
But luckily we were able to leave and we stopped at IKEA and then left in this huge storm and then went to Lava Hot Springs Idaho. The water was so fucking hot, and the place was so fucking cool, and we spent hours here, boiling ourselves, and then we went to Idaho Falls for the night. The next morning, we discovered the Idaho Falls Museum had a Titanic exhibition there - it had over 150 artifacts from the Titanic and it was so cool, it was worth the price of the entire trip alone. Then we went back to Yellowstone, saw old faithful, went to Livingston, Mt, for the night, and the next day went shopping at Ross and Walmart in Bozeman. Again, gave $$ to the homeless, and in Walmart, got groceries and beer and wine. There is this blush wine I love - it's 26 dollars for 3 liter box here. In Walmart, it was FIVE LITERS for 12 DOLLARS. I almost orgasmed in my drawers. We bought our groceries we can't get in Canada and headed for Canada. We stopped for gas at this creepy town, Harlowtown, where they were rude and my kids all pooped and plugged the toilet and I cheered. Then we crossed the border with no trouble and stopped in Swift Current, SK. It was my mom's birthday the next day, and I thought I was going to sob forever, and then I realized how close I was to her hometown, "Tarlick". It was 20 miles out of Swift Current. So we stayed in SC for the night, in a hotel that was literally almost across the street from the house I lived in until I was 2, and the one we visited a few times a year until I was 15 - it was a duplex and we were close friends with the owners of the other side, who are now dead. So that was exciting for me. Then we went the next morning to "Tarlick", which I have been to twice since my grandma died in 1975. My mom couldn't handle talking about her family after they died, her way of coping, so I wasn't sure what to expect. I wanted to find my grandma's house, which I hadn't been to since I was 4 years old, but which I remembered so well, and I wanted to find my grandparents' graves. So we go to town and I pull into the museum and went to ask these seniors if they knew where the graveyard was. I also asked if they knew my Grandma and the woman there said she didn't but the man who ran the place was in his 80s and lived there all his life, she she told me to go the graveyard and come back and hopefully she'd get him there. So we went and after much searching, we found these beat-up graves that we could hardly make out the writing on, but it was them! I don't know why it made me feel so comforted, but it did, knowing they were under there. I bit my cheeks and didn't cry because I was too scared I wouldn't stop, as I kept thinking "74 years ago, in this town, my mommy was born." Then I went back to the museum and the guy was there and he was all "I could take you to your grandparents' farm blindfolded, but I dont know where they lived in town. Shirley, call Lois so and so, she might know" and so Shirley called Lois, and Lois remembered! SO the man, who was mayor there for 20 years, took me in his van and took me to my grandma's house and told me he remembers my grandpa, who died 39 years ago, so well, and how good natured he was - "a true Scandinavian" he said. It was so cathartic for me to be there. I couldn't call my mom and tell her about our trip, but being where she came from on her birthday, my first without her, made me feel some connection to her.
Mom, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunty Lois.....i love you all and miss you all and you live on
It was the best way to end the best family trip. I am grateful and blessed. Peace.