AMA post-mortem

My few thoughts on the AMAs last night, as I only saw like 45 minutes of them. First off, I know these ones are based on sales, so tell me, why do the know losers still show up and look disgruntled in the audience? Are they being paid to look sad and shocked that they lost? Rascal Flatts lost to Carrie Underwood and they looked sort of bummed and I mean, she's sold 14 trillion albums, so really, what was the shock? And her speeches, well, they annoyed me. She's way more hardened and bitch-like than she seemed at the beginning. She's no country bumpkin like Kellie Pickler, spending her time sewing mushroom patches on her torn jeans. No, Carrie is all about Louis Vuitton bags and intimidating her Central American illegial alien housekeeper and making notches on her liquor bottles to make sure Lupe isn't drinking on the job. It's all a farce, really.
And then there's Daughtry, the other cog in the Idol machinery. I give both him and Underwood props, I really do, and my wife is this huge Daughtry fan, but I take one look at that ridiculous beard thing that is shaped like a fucking uvula in the middle of his big, bald head, and I just can't take him seriously. I cheered for him at first on Idol because he was a regular Joe, who married his former stripper and raised up her babies and whatever, but as the weeks went on and that hairy uvula popped out, well, it was like looking at a white, bald, Prince without and funk or soul. So, his clownish looks just sort of distract from whatever the hell it is he is singing.
Oh, but back up to Underwood - glad she also beat McGraw, because him and Faith are just too cocky. Sacred love my ass.
And then, I was ready to change the channel to the frigging stock reports because I was scared I was going to have to see Beyonce, because, bitch, that bitch has always irritated me from day one. From Day fucking One. I have never been able to stomach her. She thinks she some sort of Diana Ross. Bitch, you ain't no Diana Ross. I ain't calling you Miss Ross. I'll call Diana Miss Ross, because she's earned her horrific reputation through a combination or hard work and raw talent. Now I'm not a big Supreme's fan, because frankly all that shit sounds alike to me, but what she's done solo is fantabulous - take a look: Ain't No Mountain High Enough, which still sends me into ecstatic fits of nostalgia of childhood, and Theme From Mahogany (Do You Know), which is one of the most poignant mass-marketed loves songs in my opinion. And then bitch discovered her disco shoes, and motherfucker, I feel like a coke whore writhing in disco bliss at Studio 54 when I hear some of that shit - Love Hangover - Damn, Miss Ross sounds like she's having some lovin' that makes her purr like a Motown kitten. Upside Down, I'm Coming Out, Pieces of Ice, Swept Away, Eaten Alive, all pure dance goodness. And then she does that poignant tribute to the late, great Marvin Gaye which makes a nice companion piece to the Commodore's Nightshift - Missing You. So, Beyonce, your roll in Dreamgirls may have been based on Miss Ross, but remember, Jennifer Hudson got the Oscar, not you. And honey, Destiny's Child ain't the Supremes and you ain't no Miss Ross, and while Stevie may indeed have let you sample "Edge of Seventeen" and appear in the very beginning of that video for Bootylicious, but she was just being nice.
But anyway, I was pleasantly suprised to see Sugarland doing that country version of "Irreplacable" with Miss Beyonce, even though the Sugarland woman was doing these annoying things with her hands and looked like she was old enough to be Beyonce's mother. Definitely not the tortured young woman who resembled Lisa Hartman Black in the "Stay" video I linked here the other night.
Finally, Duran Duran. Let me be short and sweet with this - the new song sounds great and I am glad that my homeboy Justin Timberlake is involved with them, because that shit is bananas. However, I couldn't look at them all that much because they are so old and puffy. Like, Simon indeed looks like someone's Dad. Nik sure has been eating well through the years, hasn't he? He just screams "PASTRIES!", doesn't he? I was screaming ""put the fucking make up back on!". Then they launched into Hungry Like the Wolf, which is my favorite of theirs, but then I got to thinking that it was indeed 25 years ago that the song was out and fresh and they were probably on these awards 25 years ago, and I felt so very old, and so very uncool and Simon looked like he was huffing and puffing and I wondered what Princess Diana would have thought of all of this.
Then Mary J. Blige came on and I watched a nano-second and went to bed, told the Mrs. that MJB was on and I thought she was lip-synching and she replied "I dont' get the big deal about her" and I had to echo it - what the fuck is the big deal with her anyway? I don't get it, I really don't.
And on a totally unrelated note, as much as it pains me to say it, I frigging love Kanye West's "Stronger". He just completely irks the living fuck out of me, but mofo, that song is classic, dawg.
Anyway, I gotta get to bed because I am pooped out and I am reading an 800 page bio of Virginia Woolf, so that should have me sleeping in no time.
May all your ups and downs be in bed,
xo
JT